Sugar and Pepper (45)
FORTY-FOUR
* FORTY-FIVE *
01.
They spent an interminable amount of time outside watching the snowfall so that by the time they noticed, the sky had lightened considerably. Jun was frozen in his light clothes and he knew his brother was faring worse.
When only a few hours remained until their parents' imminent return, he finally ushered them inside. In the warm interior, drowsiness and weariness seeped into their bodies. Satoshi barely made it up the stairs.
Although Jun knew a warm bath would do his chilled brother much good, he knew Satoshi would never make it. He helpfully pulled off his brother's shoes and coat and without even setting the futon he assisted Satoshi to his bed. Within moments of laying down, the older boy was fast asleep. He'd been up the entire night and Jun didn't expect any less. He was as tired himself, but he spent another moment on his knees watching the peaceful face of the older boy.
Thoughts he couldn't stop thinking muddled his head once again. He didn't want to let his brother go. If he was to regret and keep regretting, then rather than live with the pain he'd be much happier if he was a hypocrite.
Jun leaned close to his brother's ear and murmured, "But will you forgive me?"
02.
Mr. and Mrs. Matsumoto returned at noon. In the kitchen, they called for their boys, but received no response. They wondered if both their sons had gone out early in the morning. It was Christmas day, after all.
"Or maybe they're both still asleep," Mrs. Matsumoto guessed. "I wonder how late they stayed out last night."
To assure her, Mr. Matsumoto crept up to their room and stood outside their door. He didn't know why, but he took a deep breath before he reached for the knob and turned it. He peeked in and saw, to his immediate relief, that Jun was asleep on the floor on the futon while Satoshi took the bed.
He closed the door behind him and berated himself for even worrying. For a while, the nagging inside him eased a bit and he returned downstairs to his wife.
03.
In the late afternoon, Jun was finally woken by a knock on their door. He opened his eyes to find his mother's upper body leaning into their room.
"Jun-kun, Satoshi-kun, wake up," she said. "You're going to sleep the whole day away."
Jun sat up unhappily. His eyes were still heavy, but he looked at the clock and saw that it was five minutes until four. From the corner of his half-lidded eyes, he saw his brother stir also.
"It snowed a bit last night and your father's shoveling snow off the sidewalk," his mother continued although she had moved back into the hall. "You two could help him and then the grandmother next door. I'll have dinner ready by the time you're done."
She left and Jun sighed heavily into the silence. He wished he could sleep some more, but knew it was impossible and when Satoshi got off the bed and almost fell over he finally moved. On his knees, he steadied his brother with a hand. Satoshi quietly pulled away. Jun stood and went ahead to the bathroom to wash up.
04.
Minutes later, his white breath swirled before him as he plowed his shovel into the soft snow. After just five minutes outside, the cold air had woken him up completely, but with consciousness came a clearer mind and he didn't want that. He had been spending too much time inside his head. It made him more anxious than he already was.
"Merry Christmas," a feeble voice said and Jun turned to see his neighbor, the kindly old woman who lived next door that he'd known most of his life.
He smiled at her. "It's cold, grandma. You should head back inside."
"You're always helping me out every winter," she went on, ignoring him. "I'm so grateful. This year your older brother is here helping also. It warms my heart."
Jun turned to watch Satoshi further along the path easily dumping snow from his shovel onto the side.
"But he won't be here for long," Jun murmured. Satoshi wouldn't be there next Christmas. A small ache swelled in his chest. He remembered watching the snowfall with Satoshi early in the morning and he knew such a thing wouldn't happen again. Not unless he did something about it.
"Where will he be?" his neighbor asked, surprised.
Jun came out of his head and returned his attention to her. "He'll be studying abroad next year."
"How lovely!" she exclaimed.
Jun didn't think so, but he kept his opinion to himself.
As if she could read his thoughts, the old woman continued more solemnly, "It would be nice for your mother if he stays in touch. For the whole family too, of course. Leaving Japan for a different country would be hard on your brother. I hope you'll support him, Jun-kun."
Jun felt ashamed and foolish. He'd always thought about himself, but his neighbor was right. This wasn't all about him. It was about Satoshi. And his brother would be far away without their support for the next few years. Satoshi depended on him and Jun knew he had let his brother down. Even if Satoshi would go far away, it didn't mean he had to let go. His decision that night weeks ago had been selfish and thoughtless and he knew it with every moment he and Satoshi remained separated.
It wasn't going to be simple, and he'd made a mistake that couldn't be forgiven, but he wished with all his heart that his kind and gentle brother would forgive him anyway.
05.
That night, they wound up in their original sleeping places. Jun laid in bed while Satoshi laid on his side on the futon, his back to the younger boy. They had both slept away most of the morning and so they remained alert in the darkness.
Restless, Jun stirred and also turned on his side to make out his brother's form, to trace with his eyes the older boy's slender shoulders under the blanket and his smooth nape that was uncovered. Longing and sorrow filled him as the silence and distance between them gnawed at him inside.
He could make wishes, but if he did nothing at all then nothing would change.
What he wanted, what he needed, he had to grab with his own hands. He should have already known it.
Even so, Jun nervously held his breath as he pulled back his covers and slid to the floor. On his hands and knees, he crawled over to his brother. Satoshi had heard his approach and turned to watch as he stopped just before him. Quickly, the older boy sat up to meet him with a look of bewilderment on his face.
Jun sat on his knees before his brother, his position formal and his body tense. He looked at his brother's hands because he couldn't look into his eyes. He was afraid of seeing the answer even before he heard the older boy's reply.
"Satoshi," Jun murmured under his breath. "Can I ask for a gift?"
Satoshi was unused to the humble and abashed side of the younger boy. Instead of answering he drew in a deep breath.
Jun wanted to look up, to see what expression his brother wore, but instead he continued to focus on Satoshi's hands. They captured his attention. These beautiful, slender fingers had drawn all of those beautiful pictures in the sketchbook he had been given. These fingers were magical. He had held them in the past and taken it for granted.
Unconsciously, he couldn't help but reach forward and hook his index through his brother's, locking their fingers together. He flushed at his own forward behavior, but did not take his hand away and to his surprise, Satoshi's index curved and tightened around his own, as if not wanting them to be separated.
At last Jun looked up to meet his brother's eyes. Satoshi stared back at him and the older boy's face showed hesitation that belied his grip on Jun's finger. His bottom lip pursed in a sad frown, but he finally spoke. Tentatively, he answered Jun's question with a question of his own.
"Will Jun give me a gift too? Whatever I ask for?" he mumbled under his breath.
Jun smiled softly, everything about his brother at that particular moment endearing to him. "I'll give you anything," he replied. "You can tell me first."
Satoshi's eyes moved down to the floor between them. He was still hesitant, but he pushed himself to tell Jun the only thing he wanted from the younger boy.
"Maybe I'm being selfish," he started quietly, "I want Jun to care. If so...if...if maybe you can, I want Jun to still love me. Even though it was my fault."
His request was straightforward and honest. Jun soaked it all in and understood what he needed and what his brother still wanted, as he did. All the emotions that he had tried to suppress overwhelmed him. He doubled over until his forehead were mere centimeters away from their hands and entwined fingers.
If he didn't love his brother, then he wouldn't be here trying to ask for forgiveness. Satoshi didn't even have to ask. Because it had been him in the wrong, for being unfair and impatient and anxious enough to hurt his brother. But not once had Jun ever stopped loving him.
"Jun," Satoshi murmured, afraid of his sudden movement and his other hand hovered above Jun's head, but he was afraid to touch him.
Jun turned his head and saw it and he grabbed the hand with his own. He brought it to his cheek and looked up into his brother's worried face.
"I love you," he whispered and saw Satoshi's expression become blank. Jun straightened and smoothed his thumb over his brother's hand that was still pressed gently against his cheek. "I'm sorry I pushed you away," he spilled out quickly. "I was the selfish one. All I want is your forgiveness. I don't care where you go in the world, Satoshi, but wherever it is I'll be okay. I want Satoshi to always be my most important person."
Slowly, Satoshi came out of his stupor and his eyes filled with tears.
Watching him, Jun's own vision blurred, but he controlled himself and when his brother's tears leaked and streaked down his cheeks, Jun was able to reach out and wipe them away with trembling fingers. He sniffed and leaned in until he was staring directly into his brother's eyes, until they saw only each other.
"We'll be okay, right Satoshi? Is it okay that I still want you?"
With great emphasis Satoshi nodded even as he broke into harder sobs. Jun clenched his teeth together to reign in tightly the happiness that had burst within him similarly. He wrapped his arms around his brother's shoulders and pulled him in until they were pressed together in a warm embrace, until Satoshi who was crying into his fist and trying to muffle his sobs could rest his wet cheek on Jun's shoulder.
"I'm sorry," Satoshi mumbled underneath his sobs. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you. But I'm coming back. You'll still care about me, Jun?"
Jun couldn't even force himself to speak, the love and happiness that filled him from his core to the very tips of his body and mind stunting his ability. He only nodded and through their embrace Satoshi felt his answer.
In the darkness where their innocent truths were finally laid open, Satoshi continued to weep against his shoulder and Jun held him snugly, content. After a few moments when he had tight control of himself once more, Jun began to rock them both gently, trying to sooth both their hearts that was bottled with happiness and fear.
"We're going to be okay," Jun whispered, this time the one giving assurance. And he repeated that one promise that he had taken away long ago and that which he promised to himself to never break again. "We'll be together forever and always."
06.
Before morning, they were both deeply asleep wrapped in each other's arms. It was how it should be. Their heads craned together in their peaceful, undisturbed slumber.
That was how Mr. Matsumoto saw them when he stole a peek inside their room later that morning before they rose and noticed.
* *
FORTY-SIX
* FORTY-FIVE *
01.
They spent an interminable amount of time outside watching the snowfall so that by the time they noticed, the sky had lightened considerably. Jun was frozen in his light clothes and he knew his brother was faring worse.
When only a few hours remained until their parents' imminent return, he finally ushered them inside. In the warm interior, drowsiness and weariness seeped into their bodies. Satoshi barely made it up the stairs.
Although Jun knew a warm bath would do his chilled brother much good, he knew Satoshi would never make it. He helpfully pulled off his brother's shoes and coat and without even setting the futon he assisted Satoshi to his bed. Within moments of laying down, the older boy was fast asleep. He'd been up the entire night and Jun didn't expect any less. He was as tired himself, but he spent another moment on his knees watching the peaceful face of the older boy.
Thoughts he couldn't stop thinking muddled his head once again. He didn't want to let his brother go. If he was to regret and keep regretting, then rather than live with the pain he'd be much happier if he was a hypocrite.
Jun leaned close to his brother's ear and murmured, "But will you forgive me?"
02.
Mr. and Mrs. Matsumoto returned at noon. In the kitchen, they called for their boys, but received no response. They wondered if both their sons had gone out early in the morning. It was Christmas day, after all.
"Or maybe they're both still asleep," Mrs. Matsumoto guessed. "I wonder how late they stayed out last night."
To assure her, Mr. Matsumoto crept up to their room and stood outside their door. He didn't know why, but he took a deep breath before he reached for the knob and turned it. He peeked in and saw, to his immediate relief, that Jun was asleep on the floor on the futon while Satoshi took the bed.
He closed the door behind him and berated himself for even worrying. For a while, the nagging inside him eased a bit and he returned downstairs to his wife.
03.
In the late afternoon, Jun was finally woken by a knock on their door. He opened his eyes to find his mother's upper body leaning into their room.
"Jun-kun, Satoshi-kun, wake up," she said. "You're going to sleep the whole day away."
Jun sat up unhappily. His eyes were still heavy, but he looked at the clock and saw that it was five minutes until four. From the corner of his half-lidded eyes, he saw his brother stir also.
"It snowed a bit last night and your father's shoveling snow off the sidewalk," his mother continued although she had moved back into the hall. "You two could help him and then the grandmother next door. I'll have dinner ready by the time you're done."
She left and Jun sighed heavily into the silence. He wished he could sleep some more, but knew it was impossible and when Satoshi got off the bed and almost fell over he finally moved. On his knees, he steadied his brother with a hand. Satoshi quietly pulled away. Jun stood and went ahead to the bathroom to wash up.
04.
Minutes later, his white breath swirled before him as he plowed his shovel into the soft snow. After just five minutes outside, the cold air had woken him up completely, but with consciousness came a clearer mind and he didn't want that. He had been spending too much time inside his head. It made him more anxious than he already was.
"Merry Christmas," a feeble voice said and Jun turned to see his neighbor, the kindly old woman who lived next door that he'd known most of his life.
He smiled at her. "It's cold, grandma. You should head back inside."
"You're always helping me out every winter," she went on, ignoring him. "I'm so grateful. This year your older brother is here helping also. It warms my heart."
Jun turned to watch Satoshi further along the path easily dumping snow from his shovel onto the side.
"But he won't be here for long," Jun murmured. Satoshi wouldn't be there next Christmas. A small ache swelled in his chest. He remembered watching the snowfall with Satoshi early in the morning and he knew such a thing wouldn't happen again. Not unless he did something about it.
"Where will he be?" his neighbor asked, surprised.
Jun came out of his head and returned his attention to her. "He'll be studying abroad next year."
"How lovely!" she exclaimed.
Jun didn't think so, but he kept his opinion to himself.
As if she could read his thoughts, the old woman continued more solemnly, "It would be nice for your mother if he stays in touch. For the whole family too, of course. Leaving Japan for a different country would be hard on your brother. I hope you'll support him, Jun-kun."
Jun felt ashamed and foolish. He'd always thought about himself, but his neighbor was right. This wasn't all about him. It was about Satoshi. And his brother would be far away without their support for the next few years. Satoshi depended on him and Jun knew he had let his brother down. Even if Satoshi would go far away, it didn't mean he had to let go. His decision that night weeks ago had been selfish and thoughtless and he knew it with every moment he and Satoshi remained separated.
It wasn't going to be simple, and he'd made a mistake that couldn't be forgiven, but he wished with all his heart that his kind and gentle brother would forgive him anyway.
05.
That night, they wound up in their original sleeping places. Jun laid in bed while Satoshi laid on his side on the futon, his back to the younger boy. They had both slept away most of the morning and so they remained alert in the darkness.
Restless, Jun stirred and also turned on his side to make out his brother's form, to trace with his eyes the older boy's slender shoulders under the blanket and his smooth nape that was uncovered. Longing and sorrow filled him as the silence and distance between them gnawed at him inside.
He could make wishes, but if he did nothing at all then nothing would change.
What he wanted, what he needed, he had to grab with his own hands. He should have already known it.
Even so, Jun nervously held his breath as he pulled back his covers and slid to the floor. On his hands and knees, he crawled over to his brother. Satoshi had heard his approach and turned to watch as he stopped just before him. Quickly, the older boy sat up to meet him with a look of bewilderment on his face.
Jun sat on his knees before his brother, his position formal and his body tense. He looked at his brother's hands because he couldn't look into his eyes. He was afraid of seeing the answer even before he heard the older boy's reply.
"Satoshi," Jun murmured under his breath. "Can I ask for a gift?"
Satoshi was unused to the humble and abashed side of the younger boy. Instead of answering he drew in a deep breath.
Jun wanted to look up, to see what expression his brother wore, but instead he continued to focus on Satoshi's hands. They captured his attention. These beautiful, slender fingers had drawn all of those beautiful pictures in the sketchbook he had been given. These fingers were magical. He had held them in the past and taken it for granted.
Unconsciously, he couldn't help but reach forward and hook his index through his brother's, locking their fingers together. He flushed at his own forward behavior, but did not take his hand away and to his surprise, Satoshi's index curved and tightened around his own, as if not wanting them to be separated.
At last Jun looked up to meet his brother's eyes. Satoshi stared back at him and the older boy's face showed hesitation that belied his grip on Jun's finger. His bottom lip pursed in a sad frown, but he finally spoke. Tentatively, he answered Jun's question with a question of his own.
"Will Jun give me a gift too? Whatever I ask for?" he mumbled under his breath.
Jun smiled softly, everything about his brother at that particular moment endearing to him. "I'll give you anything," he replied. "You can tell me first."
Satoshi's eyes moved down to the floor between them. He was still hesitant, but he pushed himself to tell Jun the only thing he wanted from the younger boy.
"Maybe I'm being selfish," he started quietly, "I want Jun to care. If so...if...if maybe you can, I want Jun to still love me. Even though it was my fault."
His request was straightforward and honest. Jun soaked it all in and understood what he needed and what his brother still wanted, as he did. All the emotions that he had tried to suppress overwhelmed him. He doubled over until his forehead were mere centimeters away from their hands and entwined fingers.
If he didn't love his brother, then he wouldn't be here trying to ask for forgiveness. Satoshi didn't even have to ask. Because it had been him in the wrong, for being unfair and impatient and anxious enough to hurt his brother. But not once had Jun ever stopped loving him.
"Jun," Satoshi murmured, afraid of his sudden movement and his other hand hovered above Jun's head, but he was afraid to touch him.
Jun turned his head and saw it and he grabbed the hand with his own. He brought it to his cheek and looked up into his brother's worried face.
"I love you," he whispered and saw Satoshi's expression become blank. Jun straightened and smoothed his thumb over his brother's hand that was still pressed gently against his cheek. "I'm sorry I pushed you away," he spilled out quickly. "I was the selfish one. All I want is your forgiveness. I don't care where you go in the world, Satoshi, but wherever it is I'll be okay. I want Satoshi to always be my most important person."
Slowly, Satoshi came out of his stupor and his eyes filled with tears.
Watching him, Jun's own vision blurred, but he controlled himself and when his brother's tears leaked and streaked down his cheeks, Jun was able to reach out and wipe them away with trembling fingers. He sniffed and leaned in until he was staring directly into his brother's eyes, until they saw only each other.
"We'll be okay, right Satoshi? Is it okay that I still want you?"
With great emphasis Satoshi nodded even as he broke into harder sobs. Jun clenched his teeth together to reign in tightly the happiness that had burst within him similarly. He wrapped his arms around his brother's shoulders and pulled him in until they were pressed together in a warm embrace, until Satoshi who was crying into his fist and trying to muffle his sobs could rest his wet cheek on Jun's shoulder.
"I'm sorry," Satoshi mumbled underneath his sobs. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you. But I'm coming back. You'll still care about me, Jun?"
Jun couldn't even force himself to speak, the love and happiness that filled him from his core to the very tips of his body and mind stunting his ability. He only nodded and through their embrace Satoshi felt his answer.
In the darkness where their innocent truths were finally laid open, Satoshi continued to weep against his shoulder and Jun held him snugly, content. After a few moments when he had tight control of himself once more, Jun began to rock them both gently, trying to sooth both their hearts that was bottled with happiness and fear.
"We're going to be okay," Jun whispered, this time the one giving assurance. And he repeated that one promise that he had taken away long ago and that which he promised to himself to never break again. "We'll be together forever and always."
06.
Before morning, they were both deeply asleep wrapped in each other's arms. It was how it should be. Their heads craned together in their peaceful, undisturbed slumber.
That was how Mr. Matsumoto saw them when he stole a peek inside their room later that morning before they rose and noticed.
* *
FORTY-SIX