Sugar and Pepper (56)
FIFTY-FIVE
* FIFTY-SIX *
01.
Jun waited for a fortnight. Satoshi still had not tried to contact him. He stared at his phone every night before he went to sleep, but in vain. He decided that his brother had not yet settled in and despite his fears, he told himself to wait.
02.
He graduated from junior high school and then started his freshman year in senior high school. Even though he mentioned his brother and asked his mother and father about him, he noticed that they were elusive and tried to not talk about him.
Sometimes when he asked, his mother's expression would contort and she would be on the verge of tears. His father's face would harden and he would turn aside as if he had not heard Jun's question.
Before long, Jun decided to keep the thoughts and worries about his brother to himself.
Days and weeks had turned into months. No one else understood his desperation. He wondered why his brother had yet to contact him.
03.
When the sakura trees started blooming, Jun visited the riverside where he'd once screamed his bottled fears before he'd realized what they were. He wished his older brother was here with him. They had never had the chance to view the sakura trees together.
"Satoshi, why aren't you calling me?" he asked.
The quiet trickle of the river greeted in answer as he'd expected.
04.
Summer came and went. He spent time with his friends and every once in a while he met with Miyuki and her friends where Masaki too were invited. Sometimes, Kazunari joined them. At first they asked about Satoshi and his state of being, but when Jun showed awkwardness and an inability to answer, they stopped asking. Eventually, Jun stopped hearing about his older brother from anyone that they'd known. It was as if his older brother had not existed at all.
But the pictures and paintings hung around his room said otherwise. And even though Satoshi had not contacted him, he refused to believe that they had not been together.
The next day, or the day after that, Satoshi would remember about him and miss him and try to call him. He was certain of it.
05.
At the end of summer, Jun received an international mail on his birthday. It was from Sakurai Sho and puzzled him. He'd never been friends with the older boy and the fact that Sho even knew his address astonished him. He took the small parcel into his room that night and opened it anyway.
Inside was a single letter and a crumpled piece of folded paper. He opened the letter and recognized Satoshi's handwriting. Jun's heart leaped into his throat and he took deep breaths. He couldn't be calm no matter what. It had taken half a year before his brother had contacted him finally. He forced himself to read slowly.
[ Jun,
You always told me as much as you could and I never told you everything, that's why I have to change.
I was told that we are not old enough to understand. But they are wrong because feelings do not need understanding to begin. Feelings happen.
So were we wrong? To me you gave everything. I had a reason to care.
Do we not know the boundaries between family? Tomorrow, it may be different for us. But what if I still feel the same? After years some things will change, but some things do not. You said it. But we do not know.
When we are older, if we meet again I will ask you again, Do you still love me?
Today, right now, it seems we do not know enough.
But if you try to forget me, then maybe I can forget you.
Satoshi ]
With trembling fingers Jun set the letter down and unfolded the crumpled sheet of paper that had been included in the envelope. It was their contract penned so many months ago when they had been full of confidence and their feelings had been straightforward, when it had only been them in their moment.
Satoshi had promised Jun any favor and next to their thumbprints Jun had written his naive request. Next to it, Satoshi had also written his own answer. [ We can not go back to those days. ]
Jun doubled over and cried into his hands and the crumpled piece of paper. His despair and sobs took away his breath. Once again, it has happened. Always, always he'd been chasing his older brother.
Until the very end, Satoshi continued to elude him.
06.
Jun laid on the icy veranda lazing about and watching the equally lazy clouds move across the blue sky. Although he wasn't an early riser, the chilly weather woke him up and sharpened his senses.
From the garden wrestling with the frozen ground, his mother called out to him, "Jun-kun, you're graduating today. You can't be late for school today of all days. You have to get ready."
He unfolded his lanky arms and sat up with a sigh.
His mother hummed while she worked. She broke into song. "Ah, what is this feeling?," she sang. "That's it! This is love. That's why it's sweet and...and..."
Jun shook off the cold and went inside the house.
"What is this?" his mother's surprised voice wafted from the outside, no longer lyrical.
He ducked his head out again and saw that she was holding and examining a glass bottle with what looked like two New Years envelopes and charms inside.
"That's a time capsule," he told his mother.
She looked up from the bottle in surprise. "Who put it here?"
"Me," he said.
"Should I put it back?" she asked.
Jun smiled at her as if she'd said something silly. "It's only been there three years, mom. It has to stay in there for much longer. I can't open it yet."
She huffed and returned the time capsule to where she'd dug it from.
Jun went back inside as she went back to work and cheerfully sang her song again.
"That's it! This is love. That's why it's sweet and painful."
* *
EPILOGUE
* FIFTY-SIX *
01.
Jun waited for a fortnight. Satoshi still had not tried to contact him. He stared at his phone every night before he went to sleep, but in vain. He decided that his brother had not yet settled in and despite his fears, he told himself to wait.
02.
He graduated from junior high school and then started his freshman year in senior high school. Even though he mentioned his brother and asked his mother and father about him, he noticed that they were elusive and tried to not talk about him.
Sometimes when he asked, his mother's expression would contort and she would be on the verge of tears. His father's face would harden and he would turn aside as if he had not heard Jun's question.
Before long, Jun decided to keep the thoughts and worries about his brother to himself.
Days and weeks had turned into months. No one else understood his desperation. He wondered why his brother had yet to contact him.
03.
When the sakura trees started blooming, Jun visited the riverside where he'd once screamed his bottled fears before he'd realized what they were. He wished his older brother was here with him. They had never had the chance to view the sakura trees together.
"Satoshi, why aren't you calling me?" he asked.
The quiet trickle of the river greeted in answer as he'd expected.
04.
Summer came and went. He spent time with his friends and every once in a while he met with Miyuki and her friends where Masaki too were invited. Sometimes, Kazunari joined them. At first they asked about Satoshi and his state of being, but when Jun showed awkwardness and an inability to answer, they stopped asking. Eventually, Jun stopped hearing about his older brother from anyone that they'd known. It was as if his older brother had not existed at all.
But the pictures and paintings hung around his room said otherwise. And even though Satoshi had not contacted him, he refused to believe that they had not been together.
The next day, or the day after that, Satoshi would remember about him and miss him and try to call him. He was certain of it.
05.
At the end of summer, Jun received an international mail on his birthday. It was from Sakurai Sho and puzzled him. He'd never been friends with the older boy and the fact that Sho even knew his address astonished him. He took the small parcel into his room that night and opened it anyway.
Inside was a single letter and a crumpled piece of folded paper. He opened the letter and recognized Satoshi's handwriting. Jun's heart leaped into his throat and he took deep breaths. He couldn't be calm no matter what. It had taken half a year before his brother had contacted him finally. He forced himself to read slowly.
[ Jun,
You always told me as much as you could and I never told you everything, that's why I have to change.
I was told that we are not old enough to understand. But they are wrong because feelings do not need understanding to begin. Feelings happen.
So were we wrong? To me you gave everything. I had a reason to care.
Do we not know the boundaries between family? Tomorrow, it may be different for us. But what if I still feel the same? After years some things will change, but some things do not. You said it. But we do not know.
When we are older, if we meet again I will ask you again, Do you still love me?
Today, right now, it seems we do not know enough.
But if you try to forget me, then maybe I can forget you.
Satoshi ]
With trembling fingers Jun set the letter down and unfolded the crumpled sheet of paper that had been included in the envelope. It was their contract penned so many months ago when they had been full of confidence and their feelings had been straightforward, when it had only been them in their moment.
Satoshi had promised Jun any favor and next to their thumbprints Jun had written his naive request. Next to it, Satoshi had also written his own answer. [ We can not go back to those days. ]
Jun doubled over and cried into his hands and the crumpled piece of paper. His despair and sobs took away his breath. Once again, it has happened. Always, always he'd been chasing his older brother.
Until the very end, Satoshi continued to elude him.
06.
Jun laid on the icy veranda lazing about and watching the equally lazy clouds move across the blue sky. Although he wasn't an early riser, the chilly weather woke him up and sharpened his senses.
From the garden wrestling with the frozen ground, his mother called out to him, "Jun-kun, you're graduating today. You can't be late for school today of all days. You have to get ready."
He unfolded his lanky arms and sat up with a sigh.
His mother hummed while she worked. She broke into song. "Ah, what is this feeling?," she sang. "That's it! This is love. That's why it's sweet and...and..."
Jun shook off the cold and went inside the house.
"What is this?" his mother's surprised voice wafted from the outside, no longer lyrical.
He ducked his head out again and saw that she was holding and examining a glass bottle with what looked like two New Years envelopes and charms inside.
"That's a time capsule," he told his mother.
She looked up from the bottle in surprise. "Who put it here?"
"Me," he said.
"Should I put it back?" she asked.
Jun smiled at her as if she'd said something silly. "It's only been there three years, mom. It has to stay in there for much longer. I can't open it yet."
She huffed and returned the time capsule to where she'd dug it from.
Jun went back inside as she went back to work and cheerfully sang her song again.
"That's it! This is love. That's why it's sweet and painful."
* *
EPILOGUE