I'm alive, still. Still going. Still trying ( Read more... )

6 months. An eighth of the entire time I had him. A lifetime gone in a single second but six months later nothing has changed. Or everything has. My world will never be the same but it certainly doesn't feel much better than it did six months ago. I'm trying to understand. Trying to be brave and strong and a real human with a real life in the real ( Read more... )

I try to remember happy things. I set aside time everey day to smile for him ( Read more... )

Curious phenomenon coinciding with my recent increase in both social anxiety and binge drinking: EVERY NEIL DIAMOND SONG EVER MAKES ME CRY!

I am ashamed to call myself an adult. A sad, sad adult.

I'm not ok, I don't think. I'm completely broke, alone, and just sad all the time. I can't afford to fill my prescriptions so I am having a hard time even faking it. My team leader keeps asking me why I've gotten so quiet. What am I supposed to say? "If I try to talk to you people right now, I will either scream or cry and neither is '@rofessional ( Read more... )

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I had a dream, finally. I dreamt he came back. Simple as that, I didn't ask any questions, he just found his way back ( Read more... )

Oh, Adam. I miss you so much. I keep looking at the sky and I can't tell what's a star, what's a planet, what's just a slow plane. You'd always know. I am sorry. I wish every goddamn day that I'd been enough, even just better for you. You deserve so much better than anything you got. I'm so sorry for anything at all ( Read more... )

I have finally arrived at my first project. My first 'spike,' in Amerispeak. I'll be working in the Oregon Garden for the next 6 weeks, and staying at the garden's resort. There are teams living in yurts in the middle of the California desert, and here I am resting on down pillows, in front of a fireplace, and surrounded by some of the most ( Read more... )

today was a little rough. Guilt, mostly. Did I not do enough? Was I not enough to save him? Did I just make everything worse? Not healthy thoughts, but real nonetheless ( Read more... )