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Unsent letter to Joseph
Work is work. There are small challenges and judgment calls that keep things from becoming too repetitive, but nothing too dramatic. Looking out for an opportunity to advance in a way I know I wouldn't hate. I would be more flexible about trying other career paths, but the benefits, ah, the benefits. Plus I get to be largely antisocial ( Read more... ) -
Wow.
Writing that Unsent post was a good idea, because reading it back allowed me to realize how harsh and extreme my thoughts were that moment in time. John has been great with the opposite schedules, as a matter of fact. It so happens he also has a neat family with a mother who will prompt him to work for what he wants. This all sounds strangely ( Read more... ) -
I seriously don't know
Which thoughts are the polluted ones. The ones that tell me the sexual issues will worsen with time breeding resentment in me... Or the ones telling me this relationship's important and to give it some faith and commitment. Blech. -
That answers that.
It seems my struggles in July were in fact a different phase I needed to get through to rise to the next level. All of a sudden I'm going long periods of time without thinking of him, and it's all starting to seem like a whole other lifetime.
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Ok, here's what must be happening.
[New relationship becoming more familiar and less brand spanking new/shiny/distracting] + [Former relationship drifting further away so that Jeremy's healing and dating again becoming increasingly likely] = New Insanity (apparently)
Also: I should never, ever stay up past 12:30 cos that's usually when things get extra funky.
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All over the map, a million times a day
I really need to get to a point where it doesn't cross my mind so often. But it's hard because sometimes I push myself there on purpose to desensitize myself to it - seems better than forgetting for awhile and then abruptly remembering. Though the purposeful conjuring doesn't seen to be working that well, either.
Frustrated because now and then I ( Read more... ) -
(Untitled)
Also. I feel myself drifting away from John. It's suddenly not what it was. I fear it will be revealed as a substitute. He still wins me over. But there's a reluctance and an impatience in me that verges on cruelty. Hoping it's just today...this particular funk. Ugh.
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Belated mourning
I've had three beers, and I've allowed John E. and performing to cheer me up, and we have kind of a Restaurant Week double date this weekend with his karaoke parents...
And I'm suddenly mourning it all. The old loft. The reading by lamplight. The coming home late from E&C's and having MORE beer and MORE media. That stupid living room and the firm ( Read more... ) -
I'll keep kicking the crap till it's gone
Maybe I'm struggling because my new thing's rumbling along out of its full fledged honeymoon period (hard to be sad when you're horny). Maybe I'm entering some unforeseen new phase. Whatever it is, I've been reading the sentiments of other five-monthers (ones who are really trying) and their states if mind really run the gamut.
Reminding myself ( Read more... ) -
Bloody brain chemicals.
I feel like shit. For the past couple days I've either dwelled on old age and death, or lost total interest in anything fun or passionate, or felt completely disengaged from other people. I'm exhausted after work for no reason and just feel like curling up in a quiet ball. The thought of stretching myself outside my comfort zone at all, which is ( Read more... )