Always have, always will (Part 1)
Every night, Jin remembers.
No matter how late, he remembers.
He remembers struggling for years, trying to mould himself to fit the puzzle, only to find that the more he tried, the less malleable he got. When he was younger, he was like a piece of wet clay, easily manipulated to take any shape or form. Now, it seems like the clay has hardened into this person that nobody recognizes. But, Jin knows himself, he knows there has got to be more than this, he needs for there to be much more than this.
He remembers the elation he felt when the agency decided finally to see him for who is and agreed to give him his solo concert. At long last, a platform to show everyone that he is his own person, rather than part of an acronym that has been his identity for so many years. There were so many things he wanted to include, it was like he was overflowing with inspiration, and he felt fulfilled, he was whole again.
When he lies on the strange bed, too big for one person, in the unfamiliar mid-range serviced apartment, he remembers.
He remembers experiencing relief when the offer to perform in Los Angeles came. It was like a door, previously locked, was miraculously opened. Let me try, he had begged, and even though he was to give up the world tour with the group, he remembers how passionately he felt that he had to take that offer. He truly felt that he would come back a better person, a better member to the group. Just let me do this, he had told Johnny. I will be satisfied, he had said.
He remembers the old man’s harsh words. They had tried different permutations and compromises to make things work with minimal change. It did not work. It is hard to forget Johnny’s tone when he issued the ultimatum, hard to forget the thumping of his heart when he told Johnny his decision. He wanted to be fair to himself, and fair to the group. It was a very difficult decision to make. He knew that no one would truly understand, everyone would blame him, look at him with despair and disappointment in their eyes, but there was this chance, the chance he has been waiting for, and he owed it to himself to take it.
When his head touches the cold pillow, he remembers.
He remembers the kindness his parents showed him, telling him that they will be alright and how they will never forgive him if he does not chase his dreams.
He remembers Reio’s firm pat on his shoulder, showing him unconditional support even though Jin knows it is going to be hard on Reio. Reio will be the target of ruthless reporters and paparazzi, and Reio will have to handle it. But then, Reio is strong. Reio never once resented it even though he knows everyone thinks of him as nothing but Jin’s shadow. Jin is proud of Reio, and never fails to tell him that whenever he talks to him.
When all the adrenalin and buzz of the day’s work and revelry seep out from his pores, he remembers.
He remembers Yamapi’s and Ryo’s strained smiles. They had exhausted all means of persuasion, until they finally gave in and nodded, saying they will always be by his side, but Jin knows that they couldn’t comprehend why he would do something like that. He wonders why he was not contented with his lot like his friends, after all, their lot was bigger than most people their age.
He remembers managing his other friends. Many had said that it was about time, that he was too talented to remain in sugar pop candy cane. They had said that it was a shame that he was stuck in a group that was manufactured, rather than true to themselves. Jin refuted every single one of those comments. Those are not the reasons for his decision, and he never thought of the group like that.
Just before he gives in to the comfort of sleep, he remembers.
He remembers the robotic motions he had to go through prior to leaving for USA. He was not to show his face, he was to let the other 5 take all the shit, to apologize on his behalf, agency decision, not his. He had watched everything on TV, hiding out in Ryo’s empty apartment in Osaka, thinking that the timing sucked, it really sucked. And even though everyone presumed otherwise, he was not blind to the trembling, to the hurt, and to the sense of loss in each of their expressions. His heart had clenched, and he almost changed his mind, but he knew that he would not forgive himself if he did, and it would be even worse for the group.
He remembers each of their faces when he broke the news to them in that tiny meeting room they often used to have their discussions. Koki’s face had hardened, and he had punched the table so hard that there was a crack before storming out of the door. Ueda had followed after Koki, his expression unreadable even as he muttered that he did not care what Jin did anymore. Taguchi had been polite to excuse himself and had wished Jin all the best. Nakamaru’s eyes had brimmed with tears, and he had given Jin a firm hug. They had all expected it, Maru had whispered, but it did not make it any easier, even if it is the second time. Jin too had shed tears in that room. Not once did Jin think that it was going to be easy.
The reason Jin remembers so much is because he wants to avoid remembering the one thing that never escapes his mind - Kame’s silence, Kame’s chilly, bitter laugh, Kame’s words that drew blood, “Just go, Jin. Just go. You don’t owe us anything.”
Jin and Kame have been playing tug-of-war for years, fuelled by ambiguity, never to be defined. Jin’s feelings toward Kame are unexplainable, indescribable, even up till now. Sometimes, the rivalry between them is so strong that Jin reels from it, knocked out, winded. It is those times that he hates Kame with every fibre of his being. There are other times however, that he believes that he will not be able to live without Kame’s presence in his life, the way he can never breathe properly whenever he is in Kame’s arms, the way his heart soars with pure elation when they come together, the way he feels suffocated when Kame leaves in the morning. He wishes that Kame would scream at him, would pummel him to the bone, at least it was an emotion he could see. But, Kame was cold to the very end, never speaking, never looking his way, and Jin did not know what to think.
Which is why, when he tumbles into his apartment one night about a month after his departure from both KAT-TUN and Japan, drunk off his ass, he thinks he is dreaming when he sees Kame sitting on the leather couch that he himself had not sat on since he moved into the serviced apartment. He wants to ask Kame so many things, but his mind does not let him. Instead, he stumbles to hold Kame in a tight hug, and for the first time in weeks, he only remembers one thing - Kame’s sweet, sweet scent that engulfs him - before he blacks out.
*
He must still be dreaming, Jin thinks in a haze, as he opens his eyes to the feel of gentle fingers stroking his face. Before him, haloed by the morning sun streaming through the clear window panes, is Kame looking more angelic than Jin has ever seen him, golden streaks in his hair, face flawlessly beautiful, and a soft smile that could melt stone.
“Hey,” the Kame figure says affectionately.
“Kame?” Jin croaks, blinking as the light hurt his eyes.
“That is my name, or part of it anyway,” Kame teases.
Jin sits up and stares hard, “I’m not dreaming, am I?”
“Does it feel like a dream to you?” Kame likes to answer Jin’s questions with more questions.
“Why are you here?” Jin reaches out and strokes Kame’s face, watching as Kame relaxes into his touch.
“Do you not want me to be here?” Another question.
Jin shakes his head, dazed by the ethereal nature of the man before him. Jin does not know if it is because of the residual alcohol in his system, or the fact that Kame is in front of him, not angry, smiling, looking at him in a way that makes his chest hurt, but Jin cannot take his eyes off him.
“Show me how much you miss me,” Kame whispers, wrapping this arms around Jin’s neck, bringing them closer. Jin leans in and kisses him, and they make love, on this strange bed just right for 2 persons, as the sunrays warm up the room.
*
A while later, after the heat of passion, after the amber glow of post-coital cuddles, Jin gets up and moves around the kitchen. Kame sits at the dining table in front of Jin’s laptop.
“Do you want any breakfast?” Jin shakes a box of cereal to check the quantity, “Or just coffee?” Jin knows Kame well.
“Coffee,” Kame barely answers, typing furiously on the laptop, and staring at the screen so forcefully that if Kame had superpowers, the screen would explode.
“Whoa! What did my laptop ever do to you?” Jin walks up and places the mug next to Kame.
“Sorry,” Kame stops and watches Jin sit opposite him with a bowl heaped with cereal, “just some frustrating work stuff.” Kame shuts the laptop, and takes a sip of his coffee.
Jin studies Kame. There is something different about him, but Jin cannot put a finger on it. Kame was simply the same, yet different.
After crunching and swallowing a mouthful of cereal, Jin asks again, “Why are you here, Kame?”
Kame shrugs and fiddles with his coffee mug, “The World Tour is over, and I have some free time before my next project….” His voice trails off and he falls deep into thought.
“Kame? Earth to Kamenashi Kazuya!” Jin calls, and Kame snaps out of it.
“Hmmm?” Kame grins and takes another small sip from his cup.
“How did you get here?”
“By plane, what else?” Kame looks at Jin as though he’s a retard.
“I know that! I meant, how did you get into my apartment? Who told you my address anyway?” Jin says between bites.
“You should know me enough by now that I have my ways, and no one can say no to me, not even Johnny,” Kame smirks suggestively and Jin drops his spoon with a clang into his empty bowl. Kame stands and makes his way to Jin’s side of the table.
Jin gulps. “Where is your luggage? Did you get a hotel? What are you going to do while you’re here?” Jin rattles off a list.
“Shhh….” Kame puts his finger to Jin’s lips to silence him. “So many questions,” Kame says as he settles onto Jin’s lap. “I’m a big boy, you don’t have to worry about me.”
“But, Kame, how…..hnn…”
Kame’s lips graze Jin’s once, twice, three times, until Jin swallows his words. “Seems like you’re a big boy too,” Kame’s voice drips with desire as his hand finds Jin’s length through his boxers. Questions can wait, Jin thinks, as he empties his mind to everything accept Kame’s hand stroking, Kame’s body warmth, just Kame.
*
“Jin?”
“Yeah?” Jin is about to hop into the shower. He has to be at the studio in an hour.
Kame smiles up at Jin from the couch where they had adjourned for their love making, obviously pleased at the sight of naked Jin walking towards the bathroom.
“Where’s your mobile phone? For some reason, my phone can’t dial Japan. I need to sort out some work stuff.”
“It’s the middle of the night in Japan, you know that right?”
“The email manager sent said to call him as soon as I read it, I already delayed it by 40 minutes, with the sex and all,” Kame raises his eyebrow.
“Brat,” Jin laughs, “I think it’s still in the pocket of the jeans I wore last night.”
Kame, equally naked, walks up to give Jin a hug and a kiss. Jin deepens it and Kame reciprocates. Jin groans as he feels the stir again. Kame breaks away, chuckling.
“Now now, we don’t want you to be late for work.”
“What if I skip it today? You’re here after all, and I should show you around,” Jin attempts but Kame is having none of that.
“You did not sacrifice everything to come here to skip out on work,” Kame’s tone is suddenly harsh, and Jin recoils slightly.
“I’m sorry….” Jin begins.
“No, it’s ok,” Kame soothes, “I’m just jetlagged. Is it ok if I crash here until you get back?” Kame smiles reassuringly.
“Sure,” Jin gives a small smile, “Crash for as long as you want.”
Kame gets Jin’s double meaning, and his smile widens, but Jin notices a flicker of sadness in Kame’s eyes.
“Till the last concert of your tour, Jin, I’ll leave after the last concert of your tour,” Kame says as he disappears into the bedroom to look for Jin’s jeans.
“Huh? How? Why?” Jin stands in between the bedroom and the bath, completely forgetting that he does not have any clothes on.
“I have my ways, remember? And you had better haul ass into that shower! I’ll never forgive you if you are late!” Kame shouts from the bedroom, and Jin, even though baffled, does as he is told.
*
Jin arrives at the studio to be told that all the Japanese JE executives have gone back to Japan for an urgent meeting. He tries asking the American producers and crew if they know what it was about, but they don’t. All they could catch was a rapid string of Japanese words before the executives packed up and dashed out of the studio.
Jin does not think much of it. After all, Japanese companies tended to make mountains out of molehills. He reckons that it is probably one of the kids in Hey Say Jump that did some stupid stunt and broke his leg or something. The thought brings Jin’s mind back to the time Kame did a back flip and fell off the stage during a concert all those years ago. Kame has always been brave, and he was brave then, never uttering a sound even as he took that huge shot of painkillers and limped back onto the stage. “The show must go on,” he had said as he leaned hard on Jin’s shoulder, betraying the fact that he was indeed in pain. All Jin could do then was place a hand on the small of Kame’s back, and support his friend the best he could.
*
There has always been something mysterious about Kamenashi Kazuya. There is a part of Kame that Jin cannot even begin to understand. It throws him into loops, and Jin can only wait for Kame to settle down again, and become the Kame that he feels he knows. Appearing suddenly like that, with no explanation whatsoever, is something that Kame does, and Jin is willing to hop onto this ride, for however long Kame allows him to be on it.
Kame is in the apartment when Jin returns, seated at the dining table, in the same seat he had taken during breakfast. From the looks of it, the cleaning staff has come to straighten the place up as well. Jin wonders if Kame gave the staff a shock. He begins to ask the moment he faces Kame, but stops when he sees that Kame’s mind was somewhere else. Jin sits in the chair opposite and looks at Kame, waiting for the younger man's mind to come back. Jin sees things that disturb him swirling in Kame’s eyes, tears stubbornly held back, a sense of immense sorrow. Jin is frightened by it. He reaches to take Kame’s hand. Kame starts, and realizes that Jin is seated opposite him. The dark clouds part as Kame smiles, and it is sunshine once again.
“Are you hungry?” Kame asks, and is answered by the growling of Jin’s stomach.
“I guess so?” Jin says as they share a laugh. Kame walks up to the fridge and surveys its contents.
“Nothing much to work with in here,” Kame frowns, and Jin wants nothing more than to kiss it away, and so he does.
“You don’t have to cook. Let’s go out,” Jin urges, nuzzling his nose to Kame’s.
“Hamburgers, pizzas and fries do not a nutritious meal make,” Kame chides.
“You’re not my mother, you don’t have to look after me,” Jin looks at Kame earnestly.
Kame looks back, equally earnestly, but with a tinge of shyness, “I want to look after you for as long as I can.”
As he tries to reel in the overwhelming feeling that courses through him, Jin jokes, “Which means for eternity right? ‘Cause you’re stuck with me till then.”
Kame tries to hide his expression behind the refrigerator door but Jin catches a glimpse of it. It was dark, and not at all pleasant. Jin winces, and wants to say something about it, but he doesn’t want to chase Kame away. Kame being here with him is more than he can ever hope for.
“I could call the concierge to get us some fresh ingredients. What would you like to cook?”
“What would you like to eat?” There was that smile again, and Jin is instantaneously relieved.
“Fried rice!” Jin replies immediately, and delights in the blush that rises on Kame’s cheeks. Jin knows Kame remembers, it is the first dish Kame cooked for Jin.
*
As expected, Kame’s fried rice is top notch. Kame had requested other ingredients as well, and a whole spread of Japanese home-cooked fair presented itself on the dining table. The concierge had been very efficient in their service, delivering the groceries within the hour. Jin and Kame had spent a good part of that hour otherwise employed in carnal activities, so to speak.
The serviced apartment staff had been discreet in their delivery, even to the extent of ignoring Kame. They simply came in, greeted Jin, placed the food on the counter, and left. Jin had thought it was rude, but Kame had not seemed to mind.
Now, with a belly full of Kame’s cooking and after doing the dishes, Jin is comfortably falling into a food coma on the couch. Kame sprawls himself on top of Jin, and Jin welcomes him, marveling that Kame is hardly any weight at all.
Jin kisses the top of Kame’s head, “Are you not eating again? You barely touched your dinner.”
“My body clock is still kinda screwed up. I went out and managed to gesture and use my limited English to get myself a hamburger this afternoon when I got up. I ordered a small burger, and I did not expect a giant-sized one! I finished it and I was so stuffed!” Kame pushes himself up to pat his stomach for dramatic effect.
“Mmmz,” Jin acknowledges and closes his eyes. Kame rests his head on Jin’s chest.
“Jin?” Kame is drawing circles on Jin’s t-shirt.
“Hmm…?”
“Did you tell anyone I was here?”
“No, not yet, but I have some friends here I want to introduce you to, and…”
“I think it’s best no one knows I’m here,” Kame says calmly, lifting his head to meet Jin’s eyes, “I didn’t tell anyone I was coming, everyone thinks I’m at my brother’s in Okinawa, and it’s just easier for them to think that.”
Paparazzi and all that, Jin knows all about it.
“Ok,” Jin agrees, “but what are you going to do all day when I go to rehearsals?”
“I’ll find ways to occupy my time, and I’ll be here waiting for you when you get back,” Kame kisses Jin lightly and snuggles into Jin more comfortably. Jin tightens his hold around Kame.
“Jin?”
“Yes, Kazuya?” Jin saves using “Kazuya” for special occasions, and he feels that this time was one of those occasions. He is rewarded with another kiss, which he relishes and returns.
“Could you tell me about your day?” Kame asks as the kiss comes to a natural end. Jin obliges and tells Kame about the choreographers and dancers he meets, the tunes that seem to just spill out of his mind onto paper, how he’s having trouble finding a rhyme for “wet pussy”, although it takes a while for him to explain what wet pussy is to Kame, after which Kame suggests “hot hussy” and Jin thinks it’s genius. It is nice, to have someone who really knows him listening to him, holding him, kissing him, loving him, believing in him.
*
One week passes really quickly. Jin goes for studio sessions and rehearsals, leaving Kame in the apartment. Jin does not know what Kame does during the day, but Kame is always in the apartment, waiting with dinner prepared from the groceries Jin orders with the concierge every morning, when he gets back. They eat, they hang out, they make love, and most of all, they talk. Jin talks about his work, and plans, his dreams, and Kame speaks words of support, of encouragement.
Something nags at Jin, but he can’t pinpoint what. He notices that Kame wears his clothes. Jin wonders why. When he asks Kame, Kame says that the airline lost his luggage, and he would rather wear Jin’s clothes than buy new ones. Jin accepts Kame’s explanation. Truthfully, the problem completely disappears from his mind after a hot, passionate round of sex.
One night, he goes out for drinks with the studio executives. He leaves word with the front desk of the apartment that he would be home late. He asks that the message be conveyed to the man that was living with him for a couple of weeks. Jin is slightly thrown when the front desk is a little puzzled at his request. Have they not seen Kame come in and out, Jin wonders. Maybe Kame just happens to leave and return when they change shifts.
As he drinks, he sees Kame’s cold cold eyes from that day, and is suddenly gripped with an unfathomable fear that he is going to lose Kame forever. He stands up abruptly and excuses himself, swaying clumsily. He rushes back to the apartment in blind panic. Once he got the door open, he trips and falls into pitch darkness. He sees through his haze, dinner prepared on the table, but Kame is nowhere in sight. Jin screams for him, screams until his hoarse, tears rolling down from his eyes, and all of a sudden, Kame is there, next to him, holding him, rocking him.
“I thought I was going to lose you,” Jin sobs drunkenly. Kame shushes him, and Jin does not see the tears streaming down Kame’s cheeks.
*
Jin tries several times to access Japanese Internet sites. He wants to keep abreast with what his friends are doing. Contrary to what everyone thinks, Jin still cares. Somehow, Japanese Internet sites take ages to load, must be the American server. He attempts to call Yamapi, but can’t seem to get through.
Maybe it’s the connection in the serviced apartment, he thinks, and mentally notes to try again at work. But, he leaves his laptop for Kame in the afternoons, and it is a little inconvenient to get to a computer in the studios.
Kame shrugs at the problem, saying that he can get online fine during the day, and before Jin can bitch about it too much, Kame distracts Jin in ways only Kame can. When they lie naked next to each other, body spent but mind still active, Jin makes Kame tell him everything that he had missed out.
“I was keeping up with you guys for the World Tour you know,” Jin says into Kame’s hair one night.
“I know you were. You wouldn’t be you if you didn’t,” Kame smiles and moves so that he faces Jin.
“You guys did well, the gap was barely noticeable,” Jin chokes.
“But it was still there, wasn’t it?” It is more of a sentence than a question.
Jin wants to say that he saw Kame’s tears in the videos, that he heard the crack in Kame’s voice, but doesn’t know how. So, he stays quiet, trying to convey what he can’t say by tightening his embrace around Kame.
“Jin,” Kame brushes strands of damp hair away from Jin’s forehead, “you’ll always be part of KAT-TUN. Your presence will always be there. No matter how hard we try to close that gap, it is a gap left by you, and you’re not that easily replaceable.”
It amazes Jin that there is no bitterness in Kame’s voice. It makes him feel even guiltier.
“I’m sorry,” Jin apologizes, “everyone must hate me.”
“All we want to do is to understand you, Jin. You don’t let us sometimes. You put up this wall, and forget that we are your friends. We might not be your best friends, we might not be those friends that you party with and carry you home when you are dead drunk, but, for Koki, Taguchi, Uepi and Nakamaru, the 10 years together mean something. You’ve disappointed them, Jin, it’s right that they feel this way.”
“I didn’t mean it,” Jin’s voice is muffled in Kame’s neck. Kame strokes Jin’s arms lightly.
“You don’t ever mean the things you do, Jin, but you do them anyway. That’s you. Even though it’s not easy, we just have to learn to accept that. The timing could have been better, the way it was done could have been better, but we know that there’s no holding you back once you set your heart on something. You’re stubborn, and even though it irritates the hell out of me, it’s one of the things that makes you so attractive,” Kame reasons.
“Why didn’t you say all these to me then? You were so cold, I didn’t know what to do, and I just left…I wanted to do it better,” Jin searches Kame’s eyes for answers.
Kame averts his gaze. After a couple of seconds, he says gently, “I’m sorry, I couldn’t cope then, but I’m doing better,” Kame faces Jin again and smiles, “I’m here now aren’t I? Supporting you?”
“KAT-TUN as 5 members, tell me you guys are going to make it, I need to know that you guys are going to make it,” Jin is serious in his request.
“We’ll try our best. We’ll try our very best.”
It is a response that leaves more to be desired, but it seems like it is all Kame can promise right now, and Jin lets it be.
*
The first stop of Jin’s concert tour is New York. The Japanese executives return just before the entire crew is scheduled to leave. They have grim expressions on their faces. Jin feels like he should ask, but really, he doesn’t care much. There is drama in the jimusho everyday, it is nothing new. The executives look at him worriedly from time to time, but lets him focus on his preparation. They tell him emphatically that this tour has to be successful and Jin feels the pressure.
“Come backstage, watch me perform,” Jin begs Kame in his hotel room. Jin had already been in New York for 2 days for rehearsals, and Kame had just joined him a couple of hours ago. Jin has no idea how Kame had managed to book his flights to all the destinations of the tour, but Jin had given Kame the schedule anyway, and Jin reckons that Kame must have arranged everything in the afternoons when Jin was at work.
“I’ll be there, don't worry,” Kame assures.
“I’m so nervous,” Jin admits.
“You’re never nervous on stage in Japan,” Kame is amused.
“Doing things alone is always frightening,” Jin fiddles with the fedora on his head.
Kame walks up and slaps Jin’s hands away. He adjusts the fedora perfectly, and says, “You’re never alone, remember that.”
“What would I do without you?”
“You’ll manage,” Kame replies, turning his back to Jin to go to the bathroom. It isn’t a reply Jin wants to hear.
*
High from a good concert that kick started the tour, Jin bursts into the hotel room, wanting to share his joy with Kame. He had expected Kame to be sitting in the room waiting for him, and so he is taken aback when the room is empty. He checks the bathroom to make sure that the room is indeed empty.
Kame is in the room when Jin steps out from the shower. Jin pauses a minute, thinking how he did not hear Kame come in, but then, the shower was a little loud. Jin smiles at Kame seated in the middle of the bed, and Kame smiles back.
“It was a good concert,” Jin tells him.
“I know! I saw the whole thing. You were amazing!” Kame’s eyes sparkle with pride, and Jin cannot help but puff his chest.
“How are you going to reward me?” Jin, still in just a towel, advances towards Kame with a cheeky expression on his face. Kame giggles, and Jin thinks that it is the cutest sound in the entire world.
Cupping Jin’s cheeks with both hands, Kame breathes into the first of many kisses, “Jin, you are amazing.” Shuddering, Jin pulls Kame tighter in and smooshes his nose into the soft skin at the back of Kame’s ears.
“Kame…I…..”
“Jin….” Kame stops him and lowers him onto the bed. Kame notices a very visible tent, and removes the towel around Jin’s waist.
“Kame…” Jin calls out again, but his words get lost as Kame takes him in his mouth. As Kame bobs up and down, Jin pushes everything aside, and just concentrates on how right everything is with Kame beside him.
*
It is the middle of the tour. They are in Chicago, with 3 cities down and 4 more to go. Jin returns after his performance to a dark hotel room. At first, he thinks that Kame must be wandering about the city. He jumps in surprise when he flicks on the light switch to see Kame sitting by the window, staring at nothing in particular.
Jin walks up and kneels in front of Kame. He places his hand over Kame’s and waits, as he always does, until Kame comes back from his wanderings.
“You’re back,” Kame says finally, eyes never leaving that same spot he had been staring at.
“Yes,” Jin moves up to place a kiss on Kame’s cheek.
Kame smiles his soft smile as he turns his eyes to Jin. There is something unreadable in those eyes, and Jin is scared. He hugs Kame around the waist, and places his ear to Kame’s chest, hearing the steady beat of Kame’s heart.
“You space out a lot lately. What do you think about?” Jin whispers his question, feeling Kame’s fingers through his hair.
There was no response for a long time, and Jin thinks that maybe Kame doesn’t want to answer. Jin is about to stand up and take a shower when he is stopped by Kame’s wispy voice.
“I imagine our lives if we have never met, if we did not know each other existed. How different our lives would be. I wonder if we would have felt all the emotions - the pain, the joy - if we had chosen different paths, the paths that we wanted so much to go on before we where thrown unwittingly into this insane world of ours.”
“Kazuya…..”
“What would I be without you in my life? What would you be without me? Would we be who we are now? Or maybe we could have been spared all the hurt. Maybe if we didn’t have each other, we would smile more…..” Kame’s mind drifts off again.
“Kazuya, look at me……please?” Jin adds when Kame doesn’t.
Once those brown warm eyes are on his, Jin kisses Kame good and hard.
“I never want to imagine that. Without you, I wouldn’t be this person I am today. I would have been aimless, soulless. Sure, I could have been trying my best at soccer, but I know now that that would have been a pipe dream. I wasn’t as good at soccer as you were at baseball. You gave that up, and many times, I look at you, and I see your sacrifice, and I know you regret it sometimes, but I don’t want you to regret, because what we had, what we have, it’s something, really something.”
“Jin….” those beautiful brown eyes are brimming with tears.
“You ground me, Kame. Through all the fights, the uncertainty, every time you’re beside me, you ground me. Even though I’m not always there, even though I seem to go wherever the wind takes me, you’re the one calling me home, Kame. You’re home to me.”
The tears that flow down Kame’s cheeks were tears that Jin doesn’t recognize. They are tears that have never graced the perfect features of Kamenashi Kazuya before, and Jin is at a loss of what to do. He does the only thing that he can, to hold his friend, his lover, his one and only, and hopes that what he does is enough.
*
It is countdown to the last concert. Kame is very selfish with Jin’s time. Kame expects Jin to run back to him the minute the concert ends, and Jin does, because Kame has never been so passionate, so on fire for him. Things are great between them. Even though there are dark moments where Kame seems lost, the good times and the laughter make up for it. Jin has never seen Kame like this, and his heart palpitates with joy. He is the one responsible for putting that smile on Kame’s face, and Jin could not be happier. His career is on the rise, and he has Kame by his side.
At least once a day, Kame reminds him, “I’ll only be here until the day of your last concert.” Jin doesn’t know why Kame feels the need to, they will just meet up again in Japan.
*
Part 2
No matter how late, he remembers.
He remembers struggling for years, trying to mould himself to fit the puzzle, only to find that the more he tried, the less malleable he got. When he was younger, he was like a piece of wet clay, easily manipulated to take any shape or form. Now, it seems like the clay has hardened into this person that nobody recognizes. But, Jin knows himself, he knows there has got to be more than this, he needs for there to be much more than this.
He remembers the elation he felt when the agency decided finally to see him for who is and agreed to give him his solo concert. At long last, a platform to show everyone that he is his own person, rather than part of an acronym that has been his identity for so many years. There were so many things he wanted to include, it was like he was overflowing with inspiration, and he felt fulfilled, he was whole again.
When he lies on the strange bed, too big for one person, in the unfamiliar mid-range serviced apartment, he remembers.
He remembers experiencing relief when the offer to perform in Los Angeles came. It was like a door, previously locked, was miraculously opened. Let me try, he had begged, and even though he was to give up the world tour with the group, he remembers how passionately he felt that he had to take that offer. He truly felt that he would come back a better person, a better member to the group. Just let me do this, he had told Johnny. I will be satisfied, he had said.
He remembers the old man’s harsh words. They had tried different permutations and compromises to make things work with minimal change. It did not work. It is hard to forget Johnny’s tone when he issued the ultimatum, hard to forget the thumping of his heart when he told Johnny his decision. He wanted to be fair to himself, and fair to the group. It was a very difficult decision to make. He knew that no one would truly understand, everyone would blame him, look at him with despair and disappointment in their eyes, but there was this chance, the chance he has been waiting for, and he owed it to himself to take it.
When his head touches the cold pillow, he remembers.
He remembers the kindness his parents showed him, telling him that they will be alright and how they will never forgive him if he does not chase his dreams.
He remembers Reio’s firm pat on his shoulder, showing him unconditional support even though Jin knows it is going to be hard on Reio. Reio will be the target of ruthless reporters and paparazzi, and Reio will have to handle it. But then, Reio is strong. Reio never once resented it even though he knows everyone thinks of him as nothing but Jin’s shadow. Jin is proud of Reio, and never fails to tell him that whenever he talks to him.
When all the adrenalin and buzz of the day’s work and revelry seep out from his pores, he remembers.
He remembers Yamapi’s and Ryo’s strained smiles. They had exhausted all means of persuasion, until they finally gave in and nodded, saying they will always be by his side, but Jin knows that they couldn’t comprehend why he would do something like that. He wonders why he was not contented with his lot like his friends, after all, their lot was bigger than most people their age.
He remembers managing his other friends. Many had said that it was about time, that he was too talented to remain in sugar pop candy cane. They had said that it was a shame that he was stuck in a group that was manufactured, rather than true to themselves. Jin refuted every single one of those comments. Those are not the reasons for his decision, and he never thought of the group like that.
Just before he gives in to the comfort of sleep, he remembers.
He remembers the robotic motions he had to go through prior to leaving for USA. He was not to show his face, he was to let the other 5 take all the shit, to apologize on his behalf, agency decision, not his. He had watched everything on TV, hiding out in Ryo’s empty apartment in Osaka, thinking that the timing sucked, it really sucked. And even though everyone presumed otherwise, he was not blind to the trembling, to the hurt, and to the sense of loss in each of their expressions. His heart had clenched, and he almost changed his mind, but he knew that he would not forgive himself if he did, and it would be even worse for the group.
He remembers each of their faces when he broke the news to them in that tiny meeting room they often used to have their discussions. Koki’s face had hardened, and he had punched the table so hard that there was a crack before storming out of the door. Ueda had followed after Koki, his expression unreadable even as he muttered that he did not care what Jin did anymore. Taguchi had been polite to excuse himself and had wished Jin all the best. Nakamaru’s eyes had brimmed with tears, and he had given Jin a firm hug. They had all expected it, Maru had whispered, but it did not make it any easier, even if it is the second time. Jin too had shed tears in that room. Not once did Jin think that it was going to be easy.
The reason Jin remembers so much is because he wants to avoid remembering the one thing that never escapes his mind - Kame’s silence, Kame’s chilly, bitter laugh, Kame’s words that drew blood, “Just go, Jin. Just go. You don’t owe us anything.”
Jin and Kame have been playing tug-of-war for years, fuelled by ambiguity, never to be defined. Jin’s feelings toward Kame are unexplainable, indescribable, even up till now. Sometimes, the rivalry between them is so strong that Jin reels from it, knocked out, winded. It is those times that he hates Kame with every fibre of his being. There are other times however, that he believes that he will not be able to live without Kame’s presence in his life, the way he can never breathe properly whenever he is in Kame’s arms, the way his heart soars with pure elation when they come together, the way he feels suffocated when Kame leaves in the morning. He wishes that Kame would scream at him, would pummel him to the bone, at least it was an emotion he could see. But, Kame was cold to the very end, never speaking, never looking his way, and Jin did not know what to think.
Which is why, when he tumbles into his apartment one night about a month after his departure from both KAT-TUN and Japan, drunk off his ass, he thinks he is dreaming when he sees Kame sitting on the leather couch that he himself had not sat on since he moved into the serviced apartment. He wants to ask Kame so many things, but his mind does not let him. Instead, he stumbles to hold Kame in a tight hug, and for the first time in weeks, he only remembers one thing - Kame’s sweet, sweet scent that engulfs him - before he blacks out.
*
He must still be dreaming, Jin thinks in a haze, as he opens his eyes to the feel of gentle fingers stroking his face. Before him, haloed by the morning sun streaming through the clear window panes, is Kame looking more angelic than Jin has ever seen him, golden streaks in his hair, face flawlessly beautiful, and a soft smile that could melt stone.
“Hey,” the Kame figure says affectionately.
“Kame?” Jin croaks, blinking as the light hurt his eyes.
“That is my name, or part of it anyway,” Kame teases.
Jin sits up and stares hard, “I’m not dreaming, am I?”
“Does it feel like a dream to you?” Kame likes to answer Jin’s questions with more questions.
“Why are you here?” Jin reaches out and strokes Kame’s face, watching as Kame relaxes into his touch.
“Do you not want me to be here?” Another question.
Jin shakes his head, dazed by the ethereal nature of the man before him. Jin does not know if it is because of the residual alcohol in his system, or the fact that Kame is in front of him, not angry, smiling, looking at him in a way that makes his chest hurt, but Jin cannot take his eyes off him.
“Show me how much you miss me,” Kame whispers, wrapping this arms around Jin’s neck, bringing them closer. Jin leans in and kisses him, and they make love, on this strange bed just right for 2 persons, as the sunrays warm up the room.
*
A while later, after the heat of passion, after the amber glow of post-coital cuddles, Jin gets up and moves around the kitchen. Kame sits at the dining table in front of Jin’s laptop.
“Do you want any breakfast?” Jin shakes a box of cereal to check the quantity, “Or just coffee?” Jin knows Kame well.
“Coffee,” Kame barely answers, typing furiously on the laptop, and staring at the screen so forcefully that if Kame had superpowers, the screen would explode.
“Whoa! What did my laptop ever do to you?” Jin walks up and places the mug next to Kame.
“Sorry,” Kame stops and watches Jin sit opposite him with a bowl heaped with cereal, “just some frustrating work stuff.” Kame shuts the laptop, and takes a sip of his coffee.
Jin studies Kame. There is something different about him, but Jin cannot put a finger on it. Kame was simply the same, yet different.
After crunching and swallowing a mouthful of cereal, Jin asks again, “Why are you here, Kame?”
Kame shrugs and fiddles with his coffee mug, “The World Tour is over, and I have some free time before my next project….” His voice trails off and he falls deep into thought.
“Kame? Earth to Kamenashi Kazuya!” Jin calls, and Kame snaps out of it.
“Hmmm?” Kame grins and takes another small sip from his cup.
“How did you get here?”
“By plane, what else?” Kame looks at Jin as though he’s a retard.
“I know that! I meant, how did you get into my apartment? Who told you my address anyway?” Jin says between bites.
“You should know me enough by now that I have my ways, and no one can say no to me, not even Johnny,” Kame smirks suggestively and Jin drops his spoon with a clang into his empty bowl. Kame stands and makes his way to Jin’s side of the table.
Jin gulps. “Where is your luggage? Did you get a hotel? What are you going to do while you’re here?” Jin rattles off a list.
“Shhh….” Kame puts his finger to Jin’s lips to silence him. “So many questions,” Kame says as he settles onto Jin’s lap. “I’m a big boy, you don’t have to worry about me.”
“But, Kame, how…..hnn…”
Kame’s lips graze Jin’s once, twice, three times, until Jin swallows his words. “Seems like you’re a big boy too,” Kame’s voice drips with desire as his hand finds Jin’s length through his boxers. Questions can wait, Jin thinks, as he empties his mind to everything accept Kame’s hand stroking, Kame’s body warmth, just Kame.
*
“Jin?”
“Yeah?” Jin is about to hop into the shower. He has to be at the studio in an hour.
Kame smiles up at Jin from the couch where they had adjourned for their love making, obviously pleased at the sight of naked Jin walking towards the bathroom.
“Where’s your mobile phone? For some reason, my phone can’t dial Japan. I need to sort out some work stuff.”
“It’s the middle of the night in Japan, you know that right?”
“The email manager sent said to call him as soon as I read it, I already delayed it by 40 minutes, with the sex and all,” Kame raises his eyebrow.
“Brat,” Jin laughs, “I think it’s still in the pocket of the jeans I wore last night.”
Kame, equally naked, walks up to give Jin a hug and a kiss. Jin deepens it and Kame reciprocates. Jin groans as he feels the stir again. Kame breaks away, chuckling.
“Now now, we don’t want you to be late for work.”
“What if I skip it today? You’re here after all, and I should show you around,” Jin attempts but Kame is having none of that.
“You did not sacrifice everything to come here to skip out on work,” Kame’s tone is suddenly harsh, and Jin recoils slightly.
“I’m sorry….” Jin begins.
“No, it’s ok,” Kame soothes, “I’m just jetlagged. Is it ok if I crash here until you get back?” Kame smiles reassuringly.
“Sure,” Jin gives a small smile, “Crash for as long as you want.”
Kame gets Jin’s double meaning, and his smile widens, but Jin notices a flicker of sadness in Kame’s eyes.
“Till the last concert of your tour, Jin, I’ll leave after the last concert of your tour,” Kame says as he disappears into the bedroom to look for Jin’s jeans.
“Huh? How? Why?” Jin stands in between the bedroom and the bath, completely forgetting that he does not have any clothes on.
“I have my ways, remember? And you had better haul ass into that shower! I’ll never forgive you if you are late!” Kame shouts from the bedroom, and Jin, even though baffled, does as he is told.
*
Jin arrives at the studio to be told that all the Japanese JE executives have gone back to Japan for an urgent meeting. He tries asking the American producers and crew if they know what it was about, but they don’t. All they could catch was a rapid string of Japanese words before the executives packed up and dashed out of the studio.
Jin does not think much of it. After all, Japanese companies tended to make mountains out of molehills. He reckons that it is probably one of the kids in Hey Say Jump that did some stupid stunt and broke his leg or something. The thought brings Jin’s mind back to the time Kame did a back flip and fell off the stage during a concert all those years ago. Kame has always been brave, and he was brave then, never uttering a sound even as he took that huge shot of painkillers and limped back onto the stage. “The show must go on,” he had said as he leaned hard on Jin’s shoulder, betraying the fact that he was indeed in pain. All Jin could do then was place a hand on the small of Kame’s back, and support his friend the best he could.
*
There has always been something mysterious about Kamenashi Kazuya. There is a part of Kame that Jin cannot even begin to understand. It throws him into loops, and Jin can only wait for Kame to settle down again, and become the Kame that he feels he knows. Appearing suddenly like that, with no explanation whatsoever, is something that Kame does, and Jin is willing to hop onto this ride, for however long Kame allows him to be on it.
Kame is in the apartment when Jin returns, seated at the dining table, in the same seat he had taken during breakfast. From the looks of it, the cleaning staff has come to straighten the place up as well. Jin wonders if Kame gave the staff a shock. He begins to ask the moment he faces Kame, but stops when he sees that Kame’s mind was somewhere else. Jin sits in the chair opposite and looks at Kame, waiting for the younger man's mind to come back. Jin sees things that disturb him swirling in Kame’s eyes, tears stubbornly held back, a sense of immense sorrow. Jin is frightened by it. He reaches to take Kame’s hand. Kame starts, and realizes that Jin is seated opposite him. The dark clouds part as Kame smiles, and it is sunshine once again.
“Are you hungry?” Kame asks, and is answered by the growling of Jin’s stomach.
“I guess so?” Jin says as they share a laugh. Kame walks up to the fridge and surveys its contents.
“Nothing much to work with in here,” Kame frowns, and Jin wants nothing more than to kiss it away, and so he does.
“You don’t have to cook. Let’s go out,” Jin urges, nuzzling his nose to Kame’s.
“Hamburgers, pizzas and fries do not a nutritious meal make,” Kame chides.
“You’re not my mother, you don’t have to look after me,” Jin looks at Kame earnestly.
Kame looks back, equally earnestly, but with a tinge of shyness, “I want to look after you for as long as I can.”
As he tries to reel in the overwhelming feeling that courses through him, Jin jokes, “Which means for eternity right? ‘Cause you’re stuck with me till then.”
Kame tries to hide his expression behind the refrigerator door but Jin catches a glimpse of it. It was dark, and not at all pleasant. Jin winces, and wants to say something about it, but he doesn’t want to chase Kame away. Kame being here with him is more than he can ever hope for.
“I could call the concierge to get us some fresh ingredients. What would you like to cook?”
“What would you like to eat?” There was that smile again, and Jin is instantaneously relieved.
“Fried rice!” Jin replies immediately, and delights in the blush that rises on Kame’s cheeks. Jin knows Kame remembers, it is the first dish Kame cooked for Jin.
*
As expected, Kame’s fried rice is top notch. Kame had requested other ingredients as well, and a whole spread of Japanese home-cooked fair presented itself on the dining table. The concierge had been very efficient in their service, delivering the groceries within the hour. Jin and Kame had spent a good part of that hour otherwise employed in carnal activities, so to speak.
The serviced apartment staff had been discreet in their delivery, even to the extent of ignoring Kame. They simply came in, greeted Jin, placed the food on the counter, and left. Jin had thought it was rude, but Kame had not seemed to mind.
Now, with a belly full of Kame’s cooking and after doing the dishes, Jin is comfortably falling into a food coma on the couch. Kame sprawls himself on top of Jin, and Jin welcomes him, marveling that Kame is hardly any weight at all.
Jin kisses the top of Kame’s head, “Are you not eating again? You barely touched your dinner.”
“My body clock is still kinda screwed up. I went out and managed to gesture and use my limited English to get myself a hamburger this afternoon when I got up. I ordered a small burger, and I did not expect a giant-sized one! I finished it and I was so stuffed!” Kame pushes himself up to pat his stomach for dramatic effect.
“Mmmz,” Jin acknowledges and closes his eyes. Kame rests his head on Jin’s chest.
“Jin?” Kame is drawing circles on Jin’s t-shirt.
“Hmm…?”
“Did you tell anyone I was here?”
“No, not yet, but I have some friends here I want to introduce you to, and…”
“I think it’s best no one knows I’m here,” Kame says calmly, lifting his head to meet Jin’s eyes, “I didn’t tell anyone I was coming, everyone thinks I’m at my brother’s in Okinawa, and it’s just easier for them to think that.”
Paparazzi and all that, Jin knows all about it.
“Ok,” Jin agrees, “but what are you going to do all day when I go to rehearsals?”
“I’ll find ways to occupy my time, and I’ll be here waiting for you when you get back,” Kame kisses Jin lightly and snuggles into Jin more comfortably. Jin tightens his hold around Kame.
“Jin?”
“Yes, Kazuya?” Jin saves using “Kazuya” for special occasions, and he feels that this time was one of those occasions. He is rewarded with another kiss, which he relishes and returns.
“Could you tell me about your day?” Kame asks as the kiss comes to a natural end. Jin obliges and tells Kame about the choreographers and dancers he meets, the tunes that seem to just spill out of his mind onto paper, how he’s having trouble finding a rhyme for “wet pussy”, although it takes a while for him to explain what wet pussy is to Kame, after which Kame suggests “hot hussy” and Jin thinks it’s genius. It is nice, to have someone who really knows him listening to him, holding him, kissing him, loving him, believing in him.
*
One week passes really quickly. Jin goes for studio sessions and rehearsals, leaving Kame in the apartment. Jin does not know what Kame does during the day, but Kame is always in the apartment, waiting with dinner prepared from the groceries Jin orders with the concierge every morning, when he gets back. They eat, they hang out, they make love, and most of all, they talk. Jin talks about his work, and plans, his dreams, and Kame speaks words of support, of encouragement.
Something nags at Jin, but he can’t pinpoint what. He notices that Kame wears his clothes. Jin wonders why. When he asks Kame, Kame says that the airline lost his luggage, and he would rather wear Jin’s clothes than buy new ones. Jin accepts Kame’s explanation. Truthfully, the problem completely disappears from his mind after a hot, passionate round of sex.
One night, he goes out for drinks with the studio executives. He leaves word with the front desk of the apartment that he would be home late. He asks that the message be conveyed to the man that was living with him for a couple of weeks. Jin is slightly thrown when the front desk is a little puzzled at his request. Have they not seen Kame come in and out, Jin wonders. Maybe Kame just happens to leave and return when they change shifts.
As he drinks, he sees Kame’s cold cold eyes from that day, and is suddenly gripped with an unfathomable fear that he is going to lose Kame forever. He stands up abruptly and excuses himself, swaying clumsily. He rushes back to the apartment in blind panic. Once he got the door open, he trips and falls into pitch darkness. He sees through his haze, dinner prepared on the table, but Kame is nowhere in sight. Jin screams for him, screams until his hoarse, tears rolling down from his eyes, and all of a sudden, Kame is there, next to him, holding him, rocking him.
“I thought I was going to lose you,” Jin sobs drunkenly. Kame shushes him, and Jin does not see the tears streaming down Kame’s cheeks.
*
Jin tries several times to access Japanese Internet sites. He wants to keep abreast with what his friends are doing. Contrary to what everyone thinks, Jin still cares. Somehow, Japanese Internet sites take ages to load, must be the American server. He attempts to call Yamapi, but can’t seem to get through.
Maybe it’s the connection in the serviced apartment, he thinks, and mentally notes to try again at work. But, he leaves his laptop for Kame in the afternoons, and it is a little inconvenient to get to a computer in the studios.
Kame shrugs at the problem, saying that he can get online fine during the day, and before Jin can bitch about it too much, Kame distracts Jin in ways only Kame can. When they lie naked next to each other, body spent but mind still active, Jin makes Kame tell him everything that he had missed out.
“I was keeping up with you guys for the World Tour you know,” Jin says into Kame’s hair one night.
“I know you were. You wouldn’t be you if you didn’t,” Kame smiles and moves so that he faces Jin.
“You guys did well, the gap was barely noticeable,” Jin chokes.
“But it was still there, wasn’t it?” It is more of a sentence than a question.
Jin wants to say that he saw Kame’s tears in the videos, that he heard the crack in Kame’s voice, but doesn’t know how. So, he stays quiet, trying to convey what he can’t say by tightening his embrace around Kame.
“Jin,” Kame brushes strands of damp hair away from Jin’s forehead, “you’ll always be part of KAT-TUN. Your presence will always be there. No matter how hard we try to close that gap, it is a gap left by you, and you’re not that easily replaceable.”
It amazes Jin that there is no bitterness in Kame’s voice. It makes him feel even guiltier.
“I’m sorry,” Jin apologizes, “everyone must hate me.”
“All we want to do is to understand you, Jin. You don’t let us sometimes. You put up this wall, and forget that we are your friends. We might not be your best friends, we might not be those friends that you party with and carry you home when you are dead drunk, but, for Koki, Taguchi, Uepi and Nakamaru, the 10 years together mean something. You’ve disappointed them, Jin, it’s right that they feel this way.”
“I didn’t mean it,” Jin’s voice is muffled in Kame’s neck. Kame strokes Jin’s arms lightly.
“You don’t ever mean the things you do, Jin, but you do them anyway. That’s you. Even though it’s not easy, we just have to learn to accept that. The timing could have been better, the way it was done could have been better, but we know that there’s no holding you back once you set your heart on something. You’re stubborn, and even though it irritates the hell out of me, it’s one of the things that makes you so attractive,” Kame reasons.
“Why didn’t you say all these to me then? You were so cold, I didn’t know what to do, and I just left…I wanted to do it better,” Jin searches Kame’s eyes for answers.
Kame averts his gaze. After a couple of seconds, he says gently, “I’m sorry, I couldn’t cope then, but I’m doing better,” Kame faces Jin again and smiles, “I’m here now aren’t I? Supporting you?”
“KAT-TUN as 5 members, tell me you guys are going to make it, I need to know that you guys are going to make it,” Jin is serious in his request.
“We’ll try our best. We’ll try our very best.”
It is a response that leaves more to be desired, but it seems like it is all Kame can promise right now, and Jin lets it be.
*
The first stop of Jin’s concert tour is New York. The Japanese executives return just before the entire crew is scheduled to leave. They have grim expressions on their faces. Jin feels like he should ask, but really, he doesn’t care much. There is drama in the jimusho everyday, it is nothing new. The executives look at him worriedly from time to time, but lets him focus on his preparation. They tell him emphatically that this tour has to be successful and Jin feels the pressure.
“Come backstage, watch me perform,” Jin begs Kame in his hotel room. Jin had already been in New York for 2 days for rehearsals, and Kame had just joined him a couple of hours ago. Jin has no idea how Kame had managed to book his flights to all the destinations of the tour, but Jin had given Kame the schedule anyway, and Jin reckons that Kame must have arranged everything in the afternoons when Jin was at work.
“I’ll be there, don't worry,” Kame assures.
“I’m so nervous,” Jin admits.
“You’re never nervous on stage in Japan,” Kame is amused.
“Doing things alone is always frightening,” Jin fiddles with the fedora on his head.
Kame walks up and slaps Jin’s hands away. He adjusts the fedora perfectly, and says, “You’re never alone, remember that.”
“What would I do without you?”
“You’ll manage,” Kame replies, turning his back to Jin to go to the bathroom. It isn’t a reply Jin wants to hear.
*
High from a good concert that kick started the tour, Jin bursts into the hotel room, wanting to share his joy with Kame. He had expected Kame to be sitting in the room waiting for him, and so he is taken aback when the room is empty. He checks the bathroom to make sure that the room is indeed empty.
Kame is in the room when Jin steps out from the shower. Jin pauses a minute, thinking how he did not hear Kame come in, but then, the shower was a little loud. Jin smiles at Kame seated in the middle of the bed, and Kame smiles back.
“It was a good concert,” Jin tells him.
“I know! I saw the whole thing. You were amazing!” Kame’s eyes sparkle with pride, and Jin cannot help but puff his chest.
“How are you going to reward me?” Jin, still in just a towel, advances towards Kame with a cheeky expression on his face. Kame giggles, and Jin thinks that it is the cutest sound in the entire world.
Cupping Jin’s cheeks with both hands, Kame breathes into the first of many kisses, “Jin, you are amazing.” Shuddering, Jin pulls Kame tighter in and smooshes his nose into the soft skin at the back of Kame’s ears.
“Kame…I…..”
“Jin….” Kame stops him and lowers him onto the bed. Kame notices a very visible tent, and removes the towel around Jin’s waist.
“Kame…” Jin calls out again, but his words get lost as Kame takes him in his mouth. As Kame bobs up and down, Jin pushes everything aside, and just concentrates on how right everything is with Kame beside him.
*
It is the middle of the tour. They are in Chicago, with 3 cities down and 4 more to go. Jin returns after his performance to a dark hotel room. At first, he thinks that Kame must be wandering about the city. He jumps in surprise when he flicks on the light switch to see Kame sitting by the window, staring at nothing in particular.
Jin walks up and kneels in front of Kame. He places his hand over Kame’s and waits, as he always does, until Kame comes back from his wanderings.
“You’re back,” Kame says finally, eyes never leaving that same spot he had been staring at.
“Yes,” Jin moves up to place a kiss on Kame’s cheek.
Kame smiles his soft smile as he turns his eyes to Jin. There is something unreadable in those eyes, and Jin is scared. He hugs Kame around the waist, and places his ear to Kame’s chest, hearing the steady beat of Kame’s heart.
“You space out a lot lately. What do you think about?” Jin whispers his question, feeling Kame’s fingers through his hair.
There was no response for a long time, and Jin thinks that maybe Kame doesn’t want to answer. Jin is about to stand up and take a shower when he is stopped by Kame’s wispy voice.
“I imagine our lives if we have never met, if we did not know each other existed. How different our lives would be. I wonder if we would have felt all the emotions - the pain, the joy - if we had chosen different paths, the paths that we wanted so much to go on before we where thrown unwittingly into this insane world of ours.”
“Kazuya…..”
“What would I be without you in my life? What would you be without me? Would we be who we are now? Or maybe we could have been spared all the hurt. Maybe if we didn’t have each other, we would smile more…..” Kame’s mind drifts off again.
“Kazuya, look at me……please?” Jin adds when Kame doesn’t.
Once those brown warm eyes are on his, Jin kisses Kame good and hard.
“I never want to imagine that. Without you, I wouldn’t be this person I am today. I would have been aimless, soulless. Sure, I could have been trying my best at soccer, but I know now that that would have been a pipe dream. I wasn’t as good at soccer as you were at baseball. You gave that up, and many times, I look at you, and I see your sacrifice, and I know you regret it sometimes, but I don’t want you to regret, because what we had, what we have, it’s something, really something.”
“Jin….” those beautiful brown eyes are brimming with tears.
“You ground me, Kame. Through all the fights, the uncertainty, every time you’re beside me, you ground me. Even though I’m not always there, even though I seem to go wherever the wind takes me, you’re the one calling me home, Kame. You’re home to me.”
The tears that flow down Kame’s cheeks were tears that Jin doesn’t recognize. They are tears that have never graced the perfect features of Kamenashi Kazuya before, and Jin is at a loss of what to do. He does the only thing that he can, to hold his friend, his lover, his one and only, and hopes that what he does is enough.
*
It is countdown to the last concert. Kame is very selfish with Jin’s time. Kame expects Jin to run back to him the minute the concert ends, and Jin does, because Kame has never been so passionate, so on fire for him. Things are great between them. Even though there are dark moments where Kame seems lost, the good times and the laughter make up for it. Jin has never seen Kame like this, and his heart palpitates with joy. He is the one responsible for putting that smile on Kame’s face, and Jin could not be happier. His career is on the rise, and he has Kame by his side.
At least once a day, Kame reminds him, “I’ll only be here until the day of your last concert.” Jin doesn’t know why Kame feels the need to, they will just meet up again in Japan.
*
Part 2