I have to just let her figure all this out on her own don't I? I can't try to get her to see what I do, I can't make plans or hope for anything other than being friends. I can't keep doing this to myself. I owe at least that much to her, to just trust that she'll do what's right for her and hope that her version lines up with mine at some point ( Read more... )

So, if it's possible that this self-destructive funk is totally self imposed is it then also possible to assume that everything positive that I think she does for me/to me is also self-induced? The rational part of me says absolutley yes, everything came from me, maybe she turned it on but why can't I do the same thing? The other part of me, the ( Read more... )

I just got back from a really rough night. Imagine that. Tristan is right, I am very clearly aware that I am heading into a really hard time because I know I'm going to have to either stay the fuck away from or pursue someone who doesn't want me in the same way. Leslie and I got dinner and drinks, just as friends, but I don't know the difference ( Read more... )

Heather asked me if I wanted to get some drinks lastnight after I told her that Leslie and I had broken up. It was really weird to go do something with her when I didn't have some ridiculous crush on her but I had a good time all the same. So good to get my mind off what happened with Leslie for a bit, even if I know it was only a short respite ( Read more... )

I have had a really really hard week, likely the single most emotionally draining period of time in quite a while. I feel like I'm just spinning my wheels, unable to move forward but hopelessly spinning in circles. I'm just stuck with fucked up dreams running in my head and I've been unable to clear my head. Even while I'm shooting it's just ( Read more... )

I'm so stoked for monkey burger. It's going to be a great shoot I hope.

So apparently you've found my livejournal lovely.

Just ordered my studio strobe and a 48 inch brolly box. I'm so so so excited. The brolly box is supposed to look pretty similar to medium softbox. I hope so! It should get here in about a week, I CAN"T WAIT!

so, the bubble is burst. Damn. Leslie is super nervous about anyone finding out we're dating. What the fuck does that mean? She doesn't feel comfortable with any pda, holding hands, nothing. at least while we're in Eugene. like she's fucking ashamed of me, that's what it feels like.

Things were going perfectly, hell they are going perfectly. I'm just not ready for this weird semblance of reality to be finished. I'm staying in a beautiful house, with a badass brand new car to drive, I am not broke and I don't have a job to go to right now. On top of it all I've got a lovely girl who is crazy about me. But what happens next ( Read more... )