Switch-Hitting Part 3

[bluebirdsongs]

9. Blink-182--First Date
It only takes a week for Jin to get back to Kazuya on when he has free time to go do karaoke--he's kept his schedule open especially for it, in fact. “Have to prove to you that I do too have talent, after all!” he says. He's willing to swallow down the butterflies if it means he can show Kazuya that he's going to school for a reason, and that he's not just another face in the crowd of talentless wanna-bes.

Before going to karaoke, they go to the same restaurant as before for the sake of familiarity, and they're considerably more relaxed with each other compared to the previous time they'd eaten there.

As they work their way through another order of beef, Jin gets going on telling Kazuya some of the antics that went down at his high school, suggesting pranks that Kazuya and his baseball buddies can pull when they graduate. It takes quite a long time, not only because Jin doesn't know quite enough Japanese for a lot of what he wants to say, but also because every so often something he says reminds him of his best friend Pi, and he gets caught up in long-winded stories of some of the funnier things that happened to the two of them growing up. Kazuya doesn't mind-each one of Jin's stories is as funny or funnier than the last, and he can't help but lean across the table in eager anticipation of the next part of each tale, only to pull back and do a hop-step-clap laugh under the table when none of them turn out how he expects.

At some point, though, he becomes aware of just how open he's being with his body language, realizing exactly what that, coupled with the warm, fuzzy feeling in his stomach, means. From that point on, he tries to keep himself in check, drawing back whenever he feels himself start to get sucked into one of Jin's stories. Unfortunately, his sudden fidgeting doesn't go unnoticed.

Jin pauses in the middle of a story about himself, Pi, and Reio at a petting zoo to give him an odd look. “You know there are bathrooms by the front door, right?”

Kazuya freezes and blinks owlishly at him. “Huh?”

“You look like you have to pee.”

The bluntness of Jin's statement sends blood rushing to Kazuya's cheeks, and he starts nudging the last few grains of rice left in his bowl around with the tips of his chopsticks. “Oh... It's not that. We should probably get going, though,” he says, pointing out that they've long since finished eating.

“Ah, right.”

When they go to the register to pay, Jin catches sight of the total while Kazuya waits for his change, letting out a low, impressed whistle when it's much lower than he had expected. “Wow, I'm a pretty cheap date!”

Kazuya freezes again and nearly drops his coins when the cashier hands them to him, embarrassment spreading to the back of his neck and the tips of his ears.

Jin quickly tries to explain that it's just an expression, but that doesn't make the walk to the nearest karaoke establishment any less awkward.

They both quickly forget about it, though, when they enter their assigned room and Jin's eyes go wide at the sight of the microphones, the speakers, and the rotating colored lights overhead. “Okay, this is officially my new favorite thing to do in Japan,” he announces, picking up a mic to play with it while Kazuya taps at the screen on the song selector with the stylus to get it set up.

“You haven't even sung anything yet!” he replies, his voice tinged with laughter. He picks a random song on the machine to show Jin how to browse through the digital catalog, turning the machine towards him when the title of the song he'd chosen appears on the big screen. The fact that Jin appears engrossed in picking out songs helps calm Kazuya's nerves as he sings along with the backtrack of a cheesy idol song that everyone knew the lyrics to when he was in middle school.

He's more than happy to pass off the mic, though, when the song ends. Jin comments that he has a nice voice, and Kazuya blushes hard at the compliment, extremely grateful for the dim lighting in the room as he makes himself comfortable in the booth. “All right, Jin, you're up-show me what you've got!” he shouts, clapping and fist-pumping in Jin's direction, which makes the other whine at him to shut up.

Kazuya does, but only because the song is starting. It's an English oldie but goodie, and when Jin starts singing, it's clear that he's nervous, but Kazuya thinks that he has absolutely no reason to be, because his voice is incredible-even better than he could have imagined as he works his way through the melody, occasionally ending a note with a flourish of his own creativity that takes the song to a completely different level. When the song ends, Kazuya claps enthusiastically, encouraging him to hurry and add more songs to the list, because they've only booked the room for an hour, and he would really like to hear a lot more.

At the end of that hour, Kazuya's completely floored, and he has no idea why Jin doesn't consider becoming a performer, because there's no doubt in his mind that he'd be good enough. Jin had wowed him with every song he'd sung, whether he'd been crooning a rock song and screaming into the mic about his broken heart, rapping and thumping along to a reggae beat, using a high falsetto to match the pitch of a pop song originally recorded by a female vocalist and having the range to actually pull it off, or singing a heartfelt ballad in his own soft, sweet voice that had been so beautiful that Kazuya had gotten goosebumps.

Jin had obviously found it fun as well, because he'd laughed through the whole thing, and at one point, when an upbeat song he'd been singing along to had gone into an intermission, he'd gotten up and done some freestyle dance moves.

Kazuya has no doubt that Jin has both the singing and the dancing talent to make it as a performer.

When they're back outside, walking in the direction of the station, Kazuya asks Jin why he wants to be a lyricist when he clearly could be so much more than that.

Hands stuffed in his pockets, Jin shrugs. “It's not that I don't think I'm good enough. It'd be great to be rich and famous and get to make music all the time, but...I'd rather do my work somewhere I can't be seen than have everyone know my face. I need freedom, and celebrities don't get that. At least, not as much as songwriters do.”

“Oh, I see.” Kazuya falls silent for a while after that, thinking about what Jin said. He finds his answer wise in a way that he wouldn't have expected. Knowing that Jin thinks deeply and thoughtfully about such things makes him realize just how badly he had misjudged him when they first met, and the only thing that stops him from apologizing again is the thought that it might not be smart to keep bringing up what happened before when they're trying to move on from it.

They keep walking in silence until something dawns on Kazuya. “So, if you're so interested in music, what made you want to study Japanese? Don't tell me you're trying to make a name for yourself in the visual kei scene...”

His smile falters when, instead of laughing at his joke, Jin stops walking suddenly and a somber, faraway look comes to his eyes. “It's nothing to do with that.” He takes a deep breath and anxiously looks around. “Maybe we should sit down. It's a long story.”

Something inside Kazuya lurches unpleasantly at the thought that perhaps he's stumbled upon a subject too personal for Jin to share with him. “It's all right. You don't have to--”

“No, I don't mind. It's just...a long story.”

There's a small park nearby, just off the main street, and Jin leads them to a bench, where they sit down side-by-side. Taking a deep breath, he turns to Kazuya and says, “I'm studying Japanese because...I'm here because...I want to find my family.”

In response to Kazuya's confused look, he clarifies, “I mean my...my ancestors. I have my parents and my brother at home, and they're great, but...I want to know about...farther back. I've always been interested in my...ah, what's the word? 'Heritage'? Yeah, that one. I've always been interested in my heritage and where my family comes from, but my parents brought me up American, and even though I asked about Japanese culture all the time, I never really got to experience it the way I wanted to.”

He goes on to explain why that is, telling Kazuya the story of how his great-grandparents in Japan hadn't wanted his grandparents on his father's side to get married because his grandmother was Italian, so they ran away to start a new life together in America. Unfortunately, that had been a few years after the end of the war, and they'd had a really rough time of it. If they hadn't naturalized and become American citizens as soon as possible, they'd have risked getting sent back to Japan. So they'd had no choice but to raise their son as an American, and he'd ended up marrying a woman who'd not necessarily experienced the same circumstances, but ultimately had been raised the same way.

“Because of that, there was a...disconnect between my parents and their Japanese heritage, and they passed that to me and Reio. Reio doesn't really care. He's happy calling himself an American, but...I want to know more. I don't know where I would start looking, but even if there's no one left, before I leave here, I want to visit the place my family's from.”

At some point during Jin's story, one of Kazuya's hands finds his, and he gives it a supportive squeeze. Jin jumps when he feels callused fingers against his own, and Kazuya quickly pulls back, seemingly not realizing what he's done until he sees Jin's reaction. “Ah...sorry. I tend to do that when someone's talking and I feel strongly about what they're saying. In a good way, that is. Like I agree with them.” Quickly running out of words to try and explain what he means, he shrugs and laments that it's a bad habit. “I'll help you, though. If you want it or feel you need it, that is. I hope you can find what you're looking for.”

“No, it's okay. Just surprised me is all.” Kazuya has no idea that his so-called 'bad habit' makes Jin's heart rocket around in his chest like it's on speed. “But that'd be great. Like I said, I don't know where to start. I just know that it's something that I have to do while I'm here. Oh, and apart from that, since I've been here, I've found that there are a lot of things in Japanese daily life that I don't understand. If you could maybe help me out with that...that'd be great, too.”

Kazuya nods. “Don't worry. About your family, you'll be on vacation from school soon, right? You'll have plenty of time to think about it then. And...I'll help you with the other stuff, too.”

Jin can't help but chuckle a little. “If you can consider February 'soon,' then yeah. It's not even Thanksgiving yet, though...”

“What's Thanksgiving?”

“...Tell you what: you teach me all the weird things about Japan, and in return, I'll teach you all the weird things about America. Deal?”

Jin grins and holds out his hand for Kazuya to shake.

Kazuya takes it. “Deal.”

On the way out of the park, Kazuya stuffs his hand deep into the front pocket of his hoodie to fight the tingling sensation that's been coursing through it since it briefly held Jin's. His pace slows a little as he weighs his feelings in his mind and takes into consideration everything that had happened in the last few weeks. He stops walking completely when he reaches a conclusion. “Ne, Jin?”

Gravel crunches under the other's shoes as he stops and turns to look at him. “Yeah?”

Kazuya's pesky habit of running his tongue over his lips makes itself known again. “We're friends, right?”

He asks the question rhetorically, but it's still reassuring to see Jin nod his answer, even if he raises the tip of a long finger to scratch awkwardly at the bridge of his nose and thinks about it for a second before he does so. “Yeah, I'd say so. Why?”

“Then...” The streetlights give off just enough light to illuminate the faint blush spreading across Kazuya's cheeks as he steps forward. “You can call me 'Kazuya' if you want. I won't have a problem with it.” In addition to the use of his first name, Kazuya offers Jin a shy, hopeful smile, and he feels a not altogether unpleasant lurch inside of him when Jin looks at him as though he's been given a rare gift.

“Thanks,” he says, after a brief moment's pause. “I'll have to get used to it, but...thanks.”

Smiling just a little wider, Kazuya has to clench his fists in his hoodie pocket to resist the urge to take Jin's hand again as they head back towards the station.

They have the misfortune of catching the rush hour train out of the city, meaning that by the time they depart the third station on the route, they're crammed in so tightly that there's barely enough room left in the car for chests to expand and lungs to fill. Kazuya also personally marvels at the fact that, for as many attractive young men and women as Tokyo boasts, it's always an old, fat salaryman who forgoes the use of deodorant he gets stuck pressed against. While he grips the handle above his head for dear life and tries to devise a method for breathing that doesn't involve gagging, he's completely unaware that just behind him, Jin is also having proximity issues, but of the opposite nature.

Jin's never really thought about what Kazuya smells like before, but with his hair and the lines of his body pressed within centimeters of his own on the crowded train, it's the first thing he notices. Laundry soap, shampoo, a hint of something that might be leather, and something else that's just Kazuya assaults his senses, making his heart pound in his chest and his eyes want to drop to half-mast. At his sides, his hands itch with the urge to touch. He sees Kazuya fidgeting, trying to find some way to escape the salaryman's pungent odor even though it's clearly a hopeless effort. If Jin were to reach out with a hand, turn Kazuya around, and pull him into his arms, in this circumstance, it would be considered an act of kindness instead of a shameless romantic advance, right?

Because the truth is, Jin's felt something for Kazuya since the first week he was in Japan. Not the first day, since he'd been jet-lagged and he'd seen Kazuya for what felt like all of two seconds, but shortly after that, when the family had been gathered around the table for a meal, he'd found himself staring at Kazuya without meaning to. At first he thought he'd had a really weird face, but soon after that, he'd realized that Kazuya had a really attractive weird face. And since then, he hasn't been able to stop looking at him. He knows Kazuya's noticed, too, because at some point he'd stopped making eye contact with him, and at the time, that had been fine. With Kazuya ignoring him, it'd been easy to deal with his little crush, but after he'd called Kazuya in his moment of weakness and they'd decided to start over, well...

Jin thinks it's still too soon to make any guesses as to how this is all going to turn out, but at the very least, based on the time they'd been spending together lately, his and Kazuya's getting along is probably going to make it much more difficult for him to hide his feelings.

Case in point, the situation on the train. He's so tempted to do it-to pull Kazuya into his arms and let him bury his face in his shoulder-just to see what it would feel like, but just as he's gearing himself up to reach for Kazuya's sleeve, the train doors open and the salaryman gets off, giving Kazuya room to breathe again. Jin's missed his chance. Yeah, he thinks, reflecting a little guiltily on what he'd almost done for the rest of the journey home. From here on out, it was going to be very hard to conceal from Kazuya how he feels about him.

Unbeknownst to Jin, Kazuya reaches a similar conclusion when he's laying in bed that night, staring at the glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling and thinking about the day. He'd known by the time they'd left the restaurant that his attraction for Jin was obvious, and it'd been a struggle for him to hide it for the rest of the day (briefly holding his hand in the park had been another slip-up). He'd learned a lot of really interesting things about Jin in the time they'd spent together, and if they were going to continue on this way (which, he assumed they were), it would be extremely hard, if not impossible, for him and Jin to just be friends. What he was feeling for him was just too strong. So, at some point he was going to have to face the facts and tell Jin how he feels. It's just a matter of determining when and how. At this point, though, it might be worth it to bide his time, just to see what happens. It was still early, after all. Perhaps his “feelings” would fade on their own. Kazuya's always thought that it's better to see how things look in the context of a brand new day. So that's what he does.

~*~*~*~
Although he thinks about it all the time, Kazuya doesn't decide what he wants to do about his newfound feelings for Jin until Christmas Eve. The month before that is agonizing, though. The reason he thinks about his situation with Jin isn't just that they room together--that just serves to complicate the matter. The real problem is in the way he reacts every time he and Jin catch each other's eyes.

Kazuya's had crushes on people before-Naito-kun, the cute relief pitcher on his team who always smiles and claps a hand on his shoulder to tell him Good job when he bows out gracefully after he's given his all or You did your best when the opposing batters find their way around his curve ball instead of it finding its way around them and he finds himself in a jam. And then there's the girl in middle school who packed him homemade bento boxes every day for a week leading up to Valentine's Day and had followed it up with the most delicious homemade chocolates he'd ever tasted. He knows what attraction feels like.

He's just never felt it as strongly as he does with Jin. One look or smile from the other is enough to make his heart do double-time in his chest, and he's lucky he hasn't felt the urge to take Jin's hand again like he did that evening in the park, or Jin would feel how sweaty his palms sometimes get when they're together. He used to dread feeling Jin's eyes on him when he entered or left a room, but now he savors his attention and feels decidedly less happy when he doesn't have it.

He would think himself pretty pathetic for developing feelings so strong and so quickly for someone two years his senior who's so radically different from him in almost every way, but what gives him hope and keeps him from actively trying to dismiss his feelings is the fact that, sometimes when he and Jin look at each other, it's almost as though everything around them has stopped, and he sees hints of what he swears is reciprocation in Jin's eyes when that happens-like he has the exact same problem and also has no idea how to go about dealing with it.

Even if Jin does feel the same way, Kazuya knows there are a lot of reasons why he can't simply act upon his feelings. For one thing, the fact that Jin is living with him and his family as an exchange student makes the situation extremely complicated. If they were to get involved with each other, they'd be carrying out a romantic relationship while living in the same household, which he imagines they would have to keep secret from his parents, as he can't see them being particularly thrilled about him dating someone he shares a room with. They'd surprised him with how accepting of him they'd been after he'd accidentally blurted out once that he thought Naito-kun was pretty cute (and not in a brotherly way), but they'd been less than supportive after his mother had walked into his bedroom to find the two of them engaged in a rather heated match of tonsil-hockey one day after practice.

Furthermore, there's the perhaps bigger but less pressing problem that Jin's program puts a limit on how long they could be together. At this point, he has no idea if this crush he has could turn into something long-term, but he's not about to eliminate the possibility. If they stayed a couple until the end of July, they'd either have to break up or try to maintain their relationship over a distance that spans 7000 miles and sixteen hours. It's possible they could do it, but that's not to say it wouldn't be extremely difficult. The other possibility is that they could break up long before Jin has to go home, which could potentially put them on even worse terms than they had been on to start with and make things more awkward than Kazuya cares to think about.

There are a number of practical reasons why they shouldn't be together, but on Christmas Eve, Kazuya's heart makes up his mind for him.

It doesn't dawn on him that if he doesn't have a date for the evening, it might be in his best interest to find one-someone of either gender (Kazuya's known since middle school that he bats from both sides of the plate in more ways than one) who doesn't share his room, sing American rap music in the shower, or occasionally still leave his shoes out for Kazuya to trip over. It'd be good for him. If he did find someone to go out with, it might just help him keep his mind off of things, which would come as a huge relief right now considering how often the attractive, quirky person he lives with has been entering his thoughts lately.

But he doesn't think of any of that. Instead, when Christmas Eve dawns, he spends most of the day fretting over whether or not Jin's thought to find himself a date. He knows that Jin is quite fond of girls, and even though he doesn't go out clubbing with his friends as often as he used to, he still goes out. Even given the challenges Jin's faced regarding his heritage and his status as an “outsider,” Kazuya doesn't doubt for a second that there are girls out there who would take one look at Jin's face and disregard all of that. Even though his instincts tell him there's more to Jin than meets the eye in regards to sexual preference (or perhaps it's not his instincts so much as the look he sometimes sees in Jin's eyes reflected in the bathroom mirror that he thinks borders on smoldering), given how much more complicated it would be for Jin to date him as opposed to a girl, he doesn't think the situation bodes too well for himself.

That evening, Kazuya's mother insists upon having everyone present for dinner after a conversation with Jin reveals that Christmas in America is considered a family holiday. In an attempt to find a balance between the Japanese and American traditions, she serves a light meal well ahead of the dinner rush, leaving the boys plenty of time to go out if they choose to do so. What her meal lacks in portion size, though, it makes up for with what someone like Jin might call Japanese quirkiness.

“I don't get it, though. Why does everyone eat KFC on Christmas?”

Kazuya's gaze flickers upwards from his coleslaw to see Jin waving a drumstick around, no doubt forgotten he's holding it as he marvels at the idea of eating fast food on what he considers to be the biggest, most important holiday of the year.

Kazuya's mother shrugs in response. “I don't know if I can say for sure--it's just what we do. Why? What do you eat on Christmas in America?”

Jin's face lights up at the question and he recounts with enthusiasm all of the delicious foods he grew up eating-golden-brown turkey roasted in its own juices for hours, crammed full of breadcrumbs and different seasonings; flaky dinner rolls baked fresh in the oven; sweet potato and pumpkin pies piled high with whipped cream... His descriptions put their meal served in bright red buckets to shame, and Kazuya wonders how much of what Jin's told them of America Kōji's gotten to experience. All of a sudden he feels like he understands, at least a little bit, his brother's desire to go abroad, and he'll have tons of questions for him about his time over there by the time he gets back. He's a bit quieter than usual as he sips his tea, but thankfully the conversation between Jin and his mother allows his uncharacteristic thoughtfulness to go unnoticed.

“Mou, but that's the same as what you said you eat on Thanksgiving!”

“So? It's tasty.”

“A bit unimaginative, don't you think?”

It's Jin's turn to shrug. “It's just what we do.”

A chuckle goes around the table. “Point taken.”

Although Kazuya's managed to escape attention for most of the meal, when the conversation around him dies down, his mother notices that he's spending more time pushing his food around on his plate than eating it. “Ah, Kazuya, how come you're not eating? Saving room for a romantic dinner later?”

He's looking somewhere in the vicinity of Jin's hands when she asks, watching him fill the mashed potato volcano he's made on his plate with a ladleful of gravy. She interprets his lack of attention as embarrassment, and a teasing, motherly glint comes to her eyes as she slowly says, “Ah, I see. Ne, Jin, what about you? Are you planning on meeting someone special later?”

The contents of Kazuya's stomach give a sudden, violent lurch, and he can't help but meet Jin's eyes in that moment, searching for the answer to the question that kept him tossing and turning in his futon the night before and distracted all day long.

“N-No, I...” To Kazuya's surprise, he finds Jin looking back at him, understanding warm and liquid in his gaze, like he's trying to tell Kazuya a secret using only his eyes. Or maybe it's a secret Kazuya already knows. But then he looks away again. “To be honest, I'm not really looking.”

In response to Jin's words, all of a sudden it feels as though Kazuya's heart is sloshing around with the gravy and chicken grease in his stomach. He feels so devastated knowing that even if Jin is harboring special feelings for someone, for some reason or another he's making a conscious decision not to acknowledge them, he doesn't even want to think about what would have happened had Jin revealed that he did in fact have a date. Thankfully he doesn't have to think about it, but that doesn't make the situation much better.

He fakes a look at his watch to distract from the fact that his hands are shaking around his chopsticks, and feigning surprise at the time gives him an excuse to leave the table. “Christ, I've got to go!”

“Language, Kazuya!”

Kazuya ignores her as he bolts upstairs for his duffel bag. He has no intention of going out on a date, but he still feels like he needs to get out of the house for a while.

He tries to be as inconspicuous as possible when he leaves, but Yuya still manages to catch him on the stairs. “Where are you going?” he asks, one of his bushy eyebrows rising with suspicion.

“I've got a date.” The words feel thick and heavy leaving his mouth, a side effect of the fact that it's one of the most painful lies he's ever told.

Also one of the most obvious ones. “Then why are you taking your baseball stuff?”

“Shut up, Yuya.”

Back in the living room, Jin flinches when he hears the front door slam closed.

Kazuya takes his baseball gear, and he goes where he always does when he's upset-the batting cages. Over and over, he rotates his shoulders, twists his hips, and brings his hands forward to meet the ball, swinging for imaginary fences every time. With every rhythmic swing and resulting strike of hollow aluminum against hard leather, he feels his frustrations and his sorrows start to ebb away. Eventually, his muscles loosen and every hard step on his front foot feels effortless, as though he can feel the seamless movement of energy through his body until it transfers to the ball, sending it flying up and away from him. He loses himself in drills he's long since memorized, working on timing his swing to pull the ball to the right or left or letting it fly into straightaway center. He bats first from the right and then from the left, switching back and forth until soreness shoots up his back and he starts to grunt with the effort of rotating his body. He doesn't stop, though, until the coldness in the air seeps through the protective fabric of his gloves to his fingers, almost sending the bat flying instead of the ball when his hands seize up suddenly.

After shutting off the machine, he makes his way gingerly to a nearby bench and unscrews the cap on a bottle of Pocari Sweat he bought from a vending machine on the way, taking a moment to catch his breath and gather himself. His thoughts choose that moment to gather themselves, too, and the endorphins produced during his workout help him see the situation with Jin in a much more positive light.

Just because Jin said he isn't looking for someone doesn't mean that someone can't find him, and if or when that happens, he'll probably be surprised; he might even say yes to an invitation out of flattery and suddenly find himself in a budding, promising relationship.

So hope isn't yet lost, as Kazuya had originally feared. He just needs to step up his game a little and make sure he's the first of Jin's secret admirers (because someone like that must have many, he thinks) to approach him with his feelings.

The idea that he has to start thinking seriously about making a confession both thrills and terrifies him.

~*~*~*~

10. Micro--4 Seasons
He thinks about nothing else for the rest of the week. Having it weighing in the back of his mind makes him wish he had baseball or even school to distract him, but it's both the off-season and winter vacation, so he either has to find his own means of distraction or concede that he's trapped with his thoughts. He goes to the batting cages nearly every day, and pretending to be Ichirō, not allowing himself to go home until he's seen at least a thousand pitches, helps, at least until the next time Jin smiles at him, and then all of his hard work comes undone, leaving him stuck thinking about how incredible it would be if Jin smiled at him like that after he tells him how he feels about him.

He spends so much time practicing, working on every element of his game he can think of, that he thinks he could easily be in the best shape of his life at the start of next season, and although he'd love to come back strong and ready to dominate the other teams with his wicked curveball, part of him realizes how sad it would be if he spent the whole winter doing nothing but training. He'd think himself a coward for trying to avoid confessing his feelings to Jin for that long, and even if he threw a perfect game in his first outing of the new season, for that reason it would still feel bittersweet. In an odd turn of events, his relationship with baseball and his relationship with Jin become a vicious cycle of sorts-the more he thinks about confessing, the more he wants to play baseball, but the more he plays baseball, the more he wants to confess. So, in the end, it's his love for the game that forces him to sit down and give serious thought to what he realizes he's going to have to do sooner rather than later.

Laying on his bed and tossing a baseball at the ceiling continues to be the best method of self-prescribed therapy-the repetitive motion of his arm distracts him from his thoughts leading him in circles. He stays motionless (excepting his right arm, of course) for hours, going through first all of the potential places at which he could choose to confess, followed by all of the things he could think of to say to Jin at those times, and then of course all of the possible ways Jin could react. The best scenarios make him want to curl up and giggle like a schoolgirl, whereas the worst make him feel like he'd rather pitch for the Hanshin Tigers and be forced to strike out all of his beloved Giants players than go through with his confession. At this critical point, though, he doesn't have a choice. He can't bear the hurt anymore at the thought that Jin might find his special someone in someone else, so he has to try, even if Jin doesn't return his feelings and he ends up miserable for the rest of the time Jin is with them. At least, amidst the hurt, he'll be able to hold his head high and say he didn't hide.

Although that sort of thought is a realistic possibility, he tries to be more optimistic than that. His romantic side helps, conjuring up elaborate fantasies for how it could go, which spurs him on and gives him ideas for the perfect scene. After great internal deliberation, he decides New Year's would be the best time. He doesn't think there could be anything more appropriate for a confession than the time meant for celebrating moving past old mistakes and starting fresh. Tradition would dictate that he time his admission with the opening of the first spring flowers, but he's not looking for anyone to write an epic tale of his love story. Modern tales require modern conventions, and he doesn't think there's anything more fitting than comparing his desire to move past the first few rocky months he and Jin had spent together into something new and unexplored with the freshly fallen snow that marks the season. Even if it rarely snows in Tokyo.

Once he has the setting in mind, he goes over just what he'll say. Instead of writing anything down, for fear Jin will find it, he speaks the words quietly to himself, stopping whenever he finds himself getting off-track and starting over until he has a good idea of what he wants to tell Jin before his final, momentous admission of I like you. He can't even try to guess what either of them will say after that, but at least he has a solid lead-up, which in some ways is the most important part. He turns on his side and mutters the words a few more times under his breath, both for reassurance and the pleasant, flippy feeling he gets in his stomach that draws a happy smile to his face.

That's exactly how Jin finds him. Yanked forcibly out of his dream world, which involves his heartbeat thrumming along in direct contrast to the slow, rhythmic ringing of temple bells at midnight as he and Jin kiss, Kazuya sits up with a start and stares bewildered at Jin standing in the doorway, his hand still on the doorknob.

There's a bite to Jin's voice when he takes in Kazuya's rumpled appearance and sneers, “Thinking about your girlfriend?” that Kazuya doesn't think can be blamed on his California accent.

He doesn't have time to question it, though, because the butterflies fluttering in his stomach become enraged at the suggestion that he's spent all this time thinking about how to confess to someone other than the person standing in front of him, and he responds as such. “What girlfriend?”

His less than friendly tone doesn't go unnoticed, either. “The secret one you've spent every day since Christmas with!” Jin shouts back, and Kazuya rolls his eyes. Clearly it's obvious to everyone except Jin that when he goes somewhere with his baseball stuff, it means he's going to play baseball, not change into a suit in a train station bathroom, put on some cheap cologne, and have a secret rendezvous with some girl at the nearest sleazy love hotel.

“You're stupid,” is the only thing he can think of to say in response, and when Jin turns to leave, closing the door behind him with more force than necessary, Kazuya's grip on his trusty baseball tightens as he resists the urge to throw it after him.

It doesn't dawn on him until long after he and Jin have both turned in for the night (having avoided speaking to each other for the rest of the day) that Jin might have reacted that way out of jealousy. The mere thought that Jin could like him enough to get jealous over a non-existent girlfriend makes his heart and his stomach do competitive gymnastics routines, and suddenly, he can't wait for New Year's Eve to come. Soon, he thinks, turning to glance at Jin sleeping soundly beside him. Soon you'll know that you're the one I've been thinking of.

For how confident he feels that night that everything will go according to plan, his doubts come roaring back when Jin unknowingly threatens to ruin everything long before the fateful moment by revealing that he and his friends plan to ring in the new year by bar-hopping and hitting every New Year's Eve party Roppongi has to offer.

Kazuya goes into a panic, and he blurts out (in what he'll later realize is a rare moment of genius), “But you could do that in America, no? Why don't you spend New Year's Eve with us? We're going to stay in to watch Kōhaku, and then afterward, we're going to put on kimono and go to the shrine at midnight.” He glances over at his parents for confirmation, as there hadn't been any mention of kimono prior, but they quickly echo that it's a fantastic idea, citing traditional kimono as one of those things that they don't typically do, but since Jin is with them, this year it's absolutely necessary.

Kazuya eagerly watches Jin's face as he considers, wondering if playing on his desire to experience everything traditional Japanese is underhanded, but he quickly decides he doesn't care when he sees Jin smile and nod.

“You're right.” Glancing shyly at his host parents, he adds, “You're sure it won't be too much trouble?”

They assure him it's no trouble at all, and Kazuya's so relieved he's gotten Jin to change his mind that he'll probably offer to handle the kimono rental himself. Seeing as it's so last minute, acquiring them probably will be a bit of a hassle, but he doesn't care. There's the added bonus that he'll have control over one more aspect of the evening; he can't help but feel like the more control he has, the better the evening will go. It's wishful thinking at best, but it does make him feel better about it.

It's no coincidence that when the kimono get delivered around noon on New Year's Eve Day, Kazuya and Jin's are of a similar (not identical-that would just be weird) pattern and a complementing color scheme.

True to Kazuya's word, that evening they tune in to Kōhaku the moment it starts, and Jin watches as though transfixed as he shovels mouthful after mouthful of soba into his mouth with his chopsticks. The rest of the family doesn't pay as close attention, flitting about taking care of last minute New Year's preparations or making adjustments on kimono sleeves and belts. Jin's more than happy, though, to share his analysis of each performance with Kazuya. It's the only reason Kazuya has any idea what's happening on the screen, actually, because he keeps getting distracted by his plans and how the cut of Jin's kimono reveals the sharp outline of his collarbones. He'd very much like to reach out and touch, but he knows better after Yuya learned the hard way during a wrestling match with Jin that his collarbones are Dangerous Territory.

At some point, he finds Jin looking at him expectantly. “Kazuya, are you listening to me?” He fidgets a little as he asks, and his collarbone disappears again behind his clothing.

“Hm? Oh, yeah...”

If Jin notices Kazuya remains distracted, he doesn't say anything about it, instead launching into a rant about how Crystal Kay is and always will be better than both Koda Kumi and Ayumi Hamasaki. Kazuya guesses he should have expected it based on what he knows of Jin's background, but he's still impressed by how well Jin can speak Japanese when he's talking about music. It's also a bit of a shock to see how much he can insult artists he doesn't like when he goes on about the injustice of the judging system after, at the very end of the show, a surprise collaboration medley between SMAP and Arashi unexpectedly tilts the scales in the white team's favor.

Kazuya consoles Jin the best he can, clapping a hand on his shoulder and telling him it can't be helped, but by that time, they're almost ready to leave for the shrine, and he finds he doesn't care much anymore about who in the Japanese music world more deserves to win the annual singing battle of the sexes.

As the night goes on, Kazuya's nerves get worse, to the point where he's barely aware of what's going on around him. On the way to the shrine, he misses his mother announcing that he, Jin, and Yuya will all receive otoshidama in the morning, despite Kamenashi family tradition being that getting money on New Year's stops at age 14. His father nudges his shoulder, joking that there really is no end to the benefits of having Jin with them, and Kazuya's so startled by the bump that he has to grip onto a nearby street pole to keep from toppling out of his geta. After he assures everyone that he's all right and thanks his parents for their generosity, he goes straight back to thinking about what excuse he can use to get Jin alone when they get to the shrine, but that proves unnecessary, as Jin (and his own clumsiness) take care of it for him.

Following his family's traditional prayer for another good year to follow the last, Kazuya folds his hands and bows his head again, hoping with all of his might that good things will come from what he plans to do. He doesn't have to wait long to find out; when he straightens again, he feels a large hand gently grip at his elbow.

He jumps a bit at how heat spreads outward from where Jin touches him, and his startled look only causes Jin's worried expression to deepen. “Hey...are you feeling all right? You seem...” He trails off in that cute way he does when he's searching for a word. “Not okay.”

Amazingly, it's the perfect lead-in. The moment Kazuya's been agonizing about for almost a week is finally here. “Actually, there's something I want to talk to you about.”

Kazuya's geta click on the cobblestones as they walk, escaping to the garden for a place to talk away from the crowd of people gathering at the shrine gate waiting in line for their turn to pray. Legs feeling weak from both nerves and his unsteady footwear, Kazuya holds onto Jin's forearms to keep his balance, and when he looks at him, he realizes the added height provided by the traditional sandals (attempts to teach Jin how to walk in geta had been disastrous, so he'd opted for regular shoes) make it so they're almost exactly eye-level with each other. That's something else Kazuya hadn't anticipated that makes what he has to do a bit easier.

That's not to say, though, that what he has to do is by any means easy. It's one rare instance in which he finds himself grateful for Jin's straightforwardness. Without him looking at him like that and asking again what he wanted to talk to him about, Kazuya doesn't know if he would have had the guts to go through with it.

“The truth is...”

At that moment, temple bells start ringing in the distance, marking midnight exactly. Kazuya decides he's either going to finish what he has to say by the time the echo of the 108th ring fades or drown himself in the koi pond. It doesn't help that he's even more nervous right now than he was the first time he realized university and professional league scouts had come to one of his baseball games to observe him. Just like he did at that time, he swallows hard and steels his will.

“I-It's midnight, huh? Happy New Year,” he starts uncertainly, but he starts to calm down a little when the words he's been reciting in his head all week start to come back to him. “A lot's changed for me in the last year, especially in the last six months, and I didn't always respond to it in the best way. I've done a lot of things I regret, and...finally I feel like I can start to move on from that. The New Year represents a fresh start, and...that's something I'd really like for myself. I'd like to grow as a person and rise above all the petty things that made me such a bad roommate at first. Part of that includes being more honest, and hopefully by being honest with you, we'll be able to have a fresh start, too.”

He pauses for a moment to gauge Jin's reaction so far, and when he sees that look on his face that means he has about a million questions on the tip of his tongue, he launches back into his speech, fearing that allowing Jin to get a word in will take the conversation somewhere he doesn't want it to go. “I know we've already had one 'fresh start' so far, but at that time, there was still something I was keeping from you. I said I would tell you the other reason why I was so rude to you before when the time was right, and...I feel like I'm ready now.”

He knows he probably doesn't look at all like he feels ready, and the truth is he doesn't, even though he's thought about it so much that at one point he'd almost wished on his glow-in-the-dark stars to get it out of his head long enough to fall asleep. But he can't turn back now. “The truth is...I avoided you because I liked you-really liked you, and I had no idea how to handle it.”

Jin gasps quietly, and Kazuya feels him go tense where he's still hanging onto him, but he keeps going, intent on laying out everything he's thought and worried about before hearing his reaction. “I know that sounds weird, but it's the truth. I was scared when I realized how strongly I felt for you, and I thought maybe if I ignored you, I could make it go away. Then when that didn't work and we became friends anyway, I thought that if I kept ignoring how I felt, it'd fade away on its own and we could keep on being friends.”

He doesn't know if it's from nerves or the cold, but he finds himself trembling slightly, and he pauses for a moment to draw his kimono a bit more tightly around himself. “But...as I've gotten to know you better, I only like you more, and now it's gotten so bad that I thought I had to tell you, even if it means risking our friendship. I just couldn't go on any longer pretending I didn't feel anything more. So...there you have it. I...I like you, Jin.”

And now you're going to reject me, he adds mentally, waiting in the silence that follows his confession for the words he expects, but has been terrified of hearing.

For a moment they both silently count the ringing of the bells. They sound four times before Jin speaks.

“Kazuya, I...”

“...Don't feel the same way, right? I figured. I'm sorry, I just had to tell you. I--” He's about to tell Jin he understands if he says he doesn't want to share a room with him anymore, and he'll come up with some lie to tell his parents when they ask why they're suddenly not getting along anymore, because he's thought of all of that, but Jin's index finger pressed to his lips brings his words to an abrupt halt.

“That's not what I was going to say.”

Kazuya gasps around Jin's finger, and his heart races the same way it had in his daydreams when he sees a small smile come to the other's face.

“Everything you just said...I worried about all of that, too.”

There's a soft look in Jin's eyes that has Kazuya moving closer, to the point where he's more aware of the heat radiating from Jin's body than the chill in the air.

The pad of Jin's index finger lowers from Kazuya's lips as he moves a bit closer, too. He stops just short to murmur something else, but Kazuya never hears what it is. Instead, his body acting on instinct, he tilts his head up a little, and the last couple of centimeters between them disappear as their lips brush in a gentle kiss. There's no real technique in it, just the sensation of slightly chapped lips moving together, but it still feels incredible.

After a few moments of testing the waters, one of them pushes a bit harder, and the other responds in kind. Jin's hands find the cloth at the waist of Kazuya's kimono and Kazuya's rest on Jin's broad shoulders as they fall into a natural rhythm together. They'd both like this moment to go on for as long as possible, but a round of cheering and applause in the distance announces the last ring of the bells, and the sound draws them apart.

“We should go back,” Kazuya whispers against Jin's lips, but it's clear from the way his grip on Jin tightens that he'd much rather stay where he is.

“W-Wait, I...” Jin starts, his gaze lowering slightly as his grip on Kazuya's belt suddenly tightens. “Kazuya, I haven't told you yet... I like you, too."

Kazuya just laughs a little. “Yeah, I kind of got that.” And then he kisses him again, thinking that perhaps there won't be any harm in staying just a bit longer.

With Jin's mouth on his, it's easy to forget everything else, including that they came to the shrine with his family, but that danger becomes much more real when Yuya suddenly calls out to them. It's too dark and Yuya's too far away to see what they're up to, but the thrill of “getting caught” still rushes through them like a drug, making them oddly giddy when they separate, suddenly seeing each other in a different light.

As they make their way out of the garden, Kazuya doesn't need an excuse to take Jin's hand.




Part 4