Switch-Hitting Part 5
Yuichirō makes the journey to Tokyo to see his little brother graduate from high school in the first week of March, at first complaining loudly about having to sleep on the couch in his parents' house, but later admitting it's worth it for the chance to see Kazuya file into the school auditorium with his classmates. It's the first time Yuichirō and Jin have met, and Kazuya's eldest brother engages him in conversation for hours after dinner the night before the ceremony, curious about everything to do with Jin's experience growing up in America. He only lays off when they notice the clock striking eleven, and after they bid each other goodnight, Jin all but flops into bed beside Kazuya, exhausted from being interviewed in Japanese for so long.
The next day dawns with a hint of chill lingering in the air, enough to turn their breath into fog when they exhale, but the uncooperative weather does little to dampen the smiles of Kazuya's family and Jin as they gather in the courtyard after the ceremony to take pictures. Kazuya beams for every flash of the camera, making his eyes crinkle up as he clutches his yearbook tightly to his chest. Later, Jin'll steal it to write an English message on the inside cover, but for now he just stands back and appreciates how handsome his boyfriend looks in the uniform that, after today, he'll never have to wear again. If Kazuya gets his wish, it'll be nothing but baseball uniforms from here on out. It's a wish that shines brightly in his eyes as he poses for pictures with his parents on either side of him.
Jin offers to take a picture of the whole Kamenashi family together, and after the shutter clicks, he sees Kazuya's mother start to fiddle with her son's uniform jacket through the viewfinder.
“Kazuya, your second button is missing,” she says, surprised, and then more than a hint of teasing enters her voice when she follows up with, “Is there something you're not telling us?”
Jin gets the feeling he doesn't fully understand what's happening when, in response to the question, Kazuya blushes bright red and starts to stutter, squirming away from his brothers' physical and verbal jabs. So he lost a button--big deal. Is not knowing how to do laundry properly so embarrassing?
Suddenly, Kazuya breaks free of his family to wrap his arm around Jin's shoulder, and Jin feels Kazuya's cheek move against his as he all but demands someone take a picture of them. The rest of the family goes along with the distraction instead of falling for it, but Jin promptly forgets about the previous topic of conversation, because having Kazuya's deceptively strong arm around him and the sharp point of his hipbone digging into his own feels too good to think about anything else. He snakes his own arm around the backs of Kazuya's shoulders and remembers to smile for the camera.
~*~*~*~
Jin wakes on the morning of March 14th to a plate of homemade cookies next to his futon. He has no idea where they came from or what they're doing there, and some of them look more like blobs than any recognizable shape, but that doesn't have any effect on how they taste, which is pretty delicious. Without realizing it, he's munched his way through three of them.
Kazuya is unusually quiet when Jin slips into his regular seat next to him for breakfast, focusing very intently on his miso soup and rice. Jin has half a mind to ask him if he knows of any cookie fairies that might deliver treats in the middle of the night to sleeping exchange students, but something about the atmosphere at the table and Kazuya's silence tells him that raising a question about the mystery plate of deliciousness he woke up to wouldn't be the best idea. After breakfast, then. The only problem is that he's not sure what to talk about in the meantime that won't lead back to the surprise cookies, so he keeps quiet and hopes that Kazuya will contribute something to ease the awkwardness settling over the table. He doesn't, and it doesn't take Kazuya's mother long to pick up on their uncharacteristic behavior.
“You boys are awfully quiet this morning,” she comments, taking a sip of tea.
“Tired,” they answer, almost in unison, to which Kazuya's mother clicks her tongue and rolls her eyes a little.
“Teenagers. That's what you always say. Would it kill you to approach life with a bit of enthusiasm? Or...Oh, I know. You're both down in the dumps because today you have to give presents to girls.”
A smug little smile comes over her face, but neither Kazuya nor Jin notices, because Jin's eyes go wide at the reminder of the holiday, and Kazuya has to kick him under the table before he does something embarrassing and/or revealing, like turn in his seat to point dramatically at him and say, “So that's why I got cookies this morning!”
Instead of doing that, Jin flinches and lets out a pained sound, assuring his host mother when she asks if he's okay that he's fine-just hit his knee on the table leg. When Kazuya clears his throat, Jin looks over at him and notices that he's fiddling nervously with his hands in his lap, his breakfast dishes long since empty. In response to this, Jin announces that maybe he should walk off his injury after all and makes a show of hobbling up the stairs to give Kazuya time to clear the table and follow at a regular pace.
When they're both safely back in their room, Kazuya turns to close and lock the door. Whirling around again, he says quietly, “ You forgot, didn't you?”
Jin's voice rises in pitch like it always does when he finds himself on the defensive. “No! I...okay, so maybe I did, but you can't blame me for that because we don't have that tradition in America, and technically I still have the rest of the day to get you a present, so don't think all hope is lost, and...” He trails off for a moment, brows furrowing as he tries to work out what else he can say in his own defense until his gaze falls upon the plate still beside his pillow. “The cookies were really good, by the way. The hearts, stars, and um...”
“Bunnies.”
“Bunnies, right...” He sees it, then, of course: the one perfect bunny-shaped cookie in the whole batch, both of its long ears and cotton ball tail still intact. He picks it off the top of the pile and absentmindedly bites its head off. “Anyway, they're really tasty. You must have spent a long time making them.”
The flattery works, shifting the hunched, irritated lines of Kazuya's shoulders into something akin to modesty. “Mayumi-chan helped me. That's probably the only reason why they aren't burnt or taste bad enough to make you want to spit them out.”
He sits cross-legged on Jin's futon, reaching for the pile, and Jin would say something about not wanting crumbs in his bed if not for the adorable surprised expression that comes over Kazuya's face when he takes a bite, his eyebrows shooting towards his hairline as though he'd forgotten what they tasted like and couldn't believe he'd made something so delicious.
Jin smiles and wraps an arm around Kazuya's shoulders instead of reaching for another cookie, his stomach stretching uncomfortably to accommodate the four he's had already on top of breakfast. “You know, I'm kind of surprised you didn't make me baseball-shaped cookies.”
Kazuya licks crumbs from his lips and hastily brushes his hand across Jin's pillow when some of them fall. “Sorry...I wanted to, but there wasn't any icing, and Mayumi-chan insisted her cutesy-shaped cookie cutters would be more interesting than plain circles.”
Jin looks disapprovingly down at his pillow, still littered with miniscule specks of cookie despite Kazuya's best attempts to get rid of them. “I hope you're apologizing for getting crumbs in my futon and not because you think I'm disappointed I didn't get baseball cookies.”
Kazuya gives Jin's scowl a sideways look, one corner of his mouth quirking upwards in a grin. “If it bothers you that much, we can share mine.”
Jin's tone turns playful, and the pressure he puts on Kazuya's shoulder with his own increases as he leans against him. “I think I'd want that even if it didn't bother me.”
Kazuya laughs then, but Jin quickly cuts the sound off by covering Kazuya's lips with his own, making him groan, instead, when he runs his long fingers through the other's hair.
Kazuya gives as good as he gets, nipping at Jin's lips and flicking his tongue out until Jin makes a similar sound, and then he trails his lips up the line of Jin's square jaw just to tease, pulling away once he reaches his ear to whisper, “I'll only share my futon with you on the condition that you get me an acceptable White Day present. And by 'acceptable,' I mean 'really damn good.'" He leaves the, “Because I busted my ass, burnt my fingers, and endured a whole afternoon of Mayumi-chan teasing me about you to make you those cookies,” implied, but it's easy enough for Jin to read in the look he gives him.
Nodding as though accepting Kazuya's declaration as a challenge, Jin drops one more firm kiss to his lips and takes his hand to pull him up. “Come on, I've got an idea.”
13. Michael Bublé & Ivan Lins--Wonderful Tonight
There are a number of parks closer to the house than Yoyogi, but they're much less likely to stand out amongst the droves of quirky performers and other interesting characters who flock there than they would among the legions of housewives and schoolboys who frequent the ones in the neighborhood. Jin plops himself down at the base of a sturdy tree in a woody area near the park center and sets his acoustic guitar in his lap, fiddling with the tuning pegs while Kazuya takes a seat across from him.
“I hope you didn't drag me all the way out here just to sing to me in a language I don't understand,” Kazuya quips, but his tongue-in-cheek expression fades into something softer when Jin just looks at him and starts strumming the opening bars of Eric Clapton's 'Tears in Heaven.' He doesn't know if Jin sneaked a peek at his iPod to find out what kind of music he likes or if he just got lucky in his song choice, but it doesn't matter. The gentle rise and fall of the notes evokes tender feelings within him, both for the song and the man singing it for him, and by the time the final chord is but a ghost living inside Jin's guitar, Kazuya has his eyes closed and his cheek pressed to Jin's shoulder.
“Do you know any others?”
Jin doesn't answer, instead transitioning straight into 'Wonderful Tonight,' which makes Kazuya's small hands grip tightly at his sweatshirt in pleasure. When that one ends, Kazuya requests 'Change the World,' and they end up going through songs one by one until Kazuya's exhausted all the ones by guitar players he likes that Jin knows, at which point Jin starts playing some of the songs he's written himself. Kazuya doesn't understand more than a word or two in any of them, but he doesn't mind, because the gentle crooning of Jin's voice and the melody his fingers create as they caress the strings and the frets of the guitar are beautiful enough on their own.
Jin finally runs out of material as twilight starts to settle over the park, but when he moves to stand up, Kazuya tightens his grip on his shoulder and pulls him back down again. “I thought you didn't sing for other people.”
Setting his guitar aside, Jin turns his head towards Kazuya and pulls him a bit closer, rubbing his thumb over the outline of his bony shoulder through his sweater. “Maybe you're the exception.”
It's clear from how brightly Kazuya's eyes shine upon hearing Jin's response that he very much likes the idea of being special to Jin in that way. Even though it's not exactly what Jin said, Kazuya answers with, “You're special to me, too.”
Jin's eyes go wide with surprise when Kazuya shifts a little in his arms to produce something on a thin gold chain from his pocket-maybe a pendant of some sort. Closer inspection reveals it to be a single brass button. “Isn't that off your uniform? I thought you said you lost it.”
Kazuya's tongue slips out to run across his lower lip, and he fidgets a little at Jin's side. “Well, I didn't. I'm giving it to you.”
“Well, that's great and all, but...” Jin stops when he notices the surprisingly serious look Kazuya's giving him, at once feeling as though he's missing something.
“It's a tradition,” Kazuya tries again, confidence quickly fading from his voice facing Jin's confusion. The other suddenly cutting in with, “If only someone would write a Cliff's Notes of all the Japanese traditions!” doesn't help, either, but still he tries to carry on. “It's a tradition at Japanese high schools for the boy to give the second button off his uniform jacket to his sweetheart at graduation. I couldn't give you mine right away because my family was there, but...I want you to have it.”
Proof that he finally understands the seriousness of the moment starts to seep into Jin's eyes, and as he gingerly takes the chain to fasten the clasp around his neck, he says, in a surprisingly shaky voice, “Oh...thank you.” He falls silent for a moment, a strange, but still soft look coming to his eyes, and Kazuya's sorely tempted to ask him what he's thinking about until he comes out with, “I'll write you a song. I'll write you a song, record myself singing it, and then I'll translate it into Japanese so you can have something special from me, too.”
Kazuya's eyes widen in surprise at the promise that even Jin doesn't seem aware he was going to make. He takes a moment to think about it, though, imagining Jin's body curled around his guitar for hours as he thinks about their relationship and how to put it into words that rise and fall with a melody. Impulsive though it might have been, Kazuya quickly finds that he very much likes the idea, and he conveys that to Jin with a tender look, tracing his fingers over the ridges of the button around Jin's neck as he kisses him-warm, gentle, and full of feelings he doesn't think he knows how to put into words. He smiles against Jin's cheek when the other whispers, “Please look forward to it,” into his ear.
He will.
As they're walking back through the park to the station, fingers tangled loosely between them, Jin suddenly squeezes Kazuya's hand and asks, “Ne, was that good enough for you to share your futon with me tonight?”
Kazuya just smiles and bumps Jin's hip with his own, which Jin takes as a yes.
What Kazuya doesn't say is that spending the afternoon like that with Jin is the best White Day present he's ever gotten.
~*~*~*~
14. The Arcade Fire--Keep the Car Running
As the date for their departure for Kyushu approaches, the feeling that they're about to embark on an adventure together intensifies, and both Jin and Kazuya start to feel anxious. Kazuya can't speak for Jin, but what he feels is actually a swirl of different emotions at the thought of the trip. There's anxiousness and excitement, of course, when he thinks about getting the chance to help Jin fulfill his wish, but the nervousness that comes when he realizes this is the first time he'll be traveling outside Tokyo without his parents, and that he's going so far away with his boyfriend threatens to overwhelm all of that. As he continues to think about it, it starts to feel as though, instead of the gentle butterflies fluttering around inside him whenever he thinks of Jin, Mosura himself is rocketing around in their place, his enormous wings laying waste to the walls of his stomach.
The only thing he can find that sufficiently distracts from the uncomfortable sensation is baseball. Since making the arrangements for the trip, he's tried out for and made the roster of an elite club team, so in the final weeks leading up to the season opener in the first week of April, there's plenty for him to do. The exhaustion and faint feeling of nausea after grueling practices and the roller coaster ride of tension, nerves, and excitement he feels during every game (even exhibition ones) don't necessarily make him feel any better, but at least those are physical and emotional reactions he knows how to handle, whereas this thing he has with Jin is fresh and new, and for that reason just a little bit petrifying.
Having both baseball and the trip to worry about raises a problem of its own: scheduling. Looking at the calendar the team's pitching coach made for him, it doesn't take Kazuya long to realize his and Jin's being in Kyushu means he'll have to miss an important practice session and a meeting with his coaches. It's unfortunate, but at this point there's not much that can be done about it, so he arranges for his mother to call him in sick that day and promise the team manager he'll make up the missed time however he needs to once he's well again. It's the first time Kazuya is willingly giving up baseball for anything, but he realizes exactly what he's gaining for losing training time when, one night after he gets home from practice, three days before he and Jin are set to leave, he enters the bedroom to find Jin sitting in the swivel desk chair with his packed bag at his feet, looking up at him like he's waiting for him to get his act together and get ready so they can leave for the train station as soon as possible.
Kazuya hates to disappoint him, but he can't change his schedule or the dates of their tickets, so he wordlessly crosses the room and straddles Jin's thighs to settle comfortably in his lap, pulling Jin's hands away from picking at his cuticles on his long fingers. When he feels those strong arms wrap around him to hold him steady, Kazuya leans forward to drape his own arms around Jin's shoulders.
Jin automatically lowers his head to nuzzle Kazuya's neck, but he cringes and pulls away a moment later. “You stink.”
The other bristles a little. “Sorry. You looked like you needed a hug, though.”
There's a brief press of lips to the salty skin of Kazuya's cheek, which lets him know that despite what he says, Jin's grateful for the comfort, and his boyfriend's post-workout, pre-shower state doesn't bother him nearly as much as he lets on. And yet that doesn't stop him from saying, “Not as badly as you need a bath!”
Kazuya swats at his shoulder and squirms to stand again, dropping a kiss to the corner of Jin's mouth and a vague, “Hang in there,” before grabbing a towel and heading for the bathroom.
15. Belle and Sebastian--Piazza, New York Catcher
When the awaited day finally dawns, neither Kazuya nor Jin is particularly enthused, but only because catching the shinkansen to Fukuoka means they have to get up at 5 AM, and neither of them can say they're fond of early mornings. After blearily shuffling along and stifling wide yawns between the various local lines that take them to the nearest station with a shinkansen track, their excitement returns full-force at the sight of the sleek-nosed Nozomi slowing to a stop in front of the platform. Jin hastily snaps a few pictures of the speed machine on his phone before clambering after Kazuya.
Once they've found their seats and the train departs the station, Jin keeps his face pressed to the window, watching the scenery rush by outside until they're going fast enough that it all starts to blur together. It's a long ride to Fukuoka, and Kazuya intends to spend as much of it sleeping as possible, unknowingly inviting Jin to do the same when he drops his head to his shoulder. Their heads bump gently together with the movement of the train once they both slip into subconscious.
It's over the course of the ride that Kazuya finds out Jin isn't one to sit still very long. He hasn't been asleep for more than a couple hours when the sensation that his pillow is fidgeting takes hold in his brain and slowly draws him out of his slumber. “Mm...Jin?”
More fidgeting. “Sorry for waking you. We're not there yet, but I need to go to the bathroom.”
In his half-asleep state, Kazuya almost presses a kiss to Jin's cheek when he moves to stand up, pulling back at the last second when he remembers they're in a train car full of people. “Watch your aim,” he says instead, to fend off the blush threatening to paint his cheeks.
“Oi, Kazuya, shut up.”
“No, I mean it,” he says earnestly. “The train moves around a lot.”
The elderly couple seated behind them smiles knowingly at their conversation, which makes Jin go red to the top of his ears when he notices. “Ass.”
Neither the old lady nor Kazuya can hold back a chuckle.
Jin doesn't appear to hold a grudge about the teasing when he comes back, but he is unusually quiet, and he still can't seem to sit still. Kazuya watches him solemnly, no idea what might be wrong until he notices Jin's lower lip disappear into his mouth once in a while, at which point he shifts a little in his seat so no one can see between them and reaches for Jin's hand. “There's probably no point in telling you not to be nervous, huh?” he says, gently squeezing and running his thumb over Jin's knuckles.
Jin looks at him, and his insecure expression lets Kazuya know that he'd very much like to get closer, but unfortunately there's no way to make that possible at the moment. “You couldn't tell me you wouldn't be the same if you were in my shoes.”
Kazuya squeezes a bit tighter, and he's quick to respond with, “I'm not saying that. But whatever the outcome, you'll have accomplished what you set out to do. There's something to be said for that, don't you think?”
“Yeah, but...” Jin trails off and purses his lips, retreating back into his own thoughts in a way that suggests he's spent more time than he cares to think about considering the various options for what could happen after they get to Kyushu. Looking at it from that perspective, Kazuya feels like he understands Jin's apprehension at the thought of years of wondering and thinking about it potentially being realized in just a few short hours.
Kazuya pulls Jin as close as he feels he can get away with and murmurs, “Knowing is still better than not. Even if you don't find everything you're looking for, it'll be okay.” Mentally, he adds on, I'll make it okay, all of a sudden feeling fiercely protective of the troubled man he's grown to care so much about. He's not sure where that particular urge comes from, but he swallows it down for the time being when it tells him he should reach across the armrest and pull Jin into his arms. He does raise the barrier between them, but only to fit his head more comfortably in the crook of Jin's shoulder. “Let's take this one step at a time, yeah? First step: pass the time until we can get off this train.” He makes a show of stretching his legs as much as he can in the small amount of space between his seat and the one in front of him to signal that he's starting to get uncomfortable.
Jin nods in empathy and then adds, “My butt is going numb.”
Kazuya stifles a laugh against his shoulder. “Sorry to hear that. Nap with me again, and then maybe when we wake up, we'll be there.”
“You know that's not going to work.”
Except that it does, and they engage in a few well-deserved cat-like stretches when their feet leave the train for the concrete of the station platform.
The next part of their journey involves a long bus trip deep into Kumamoto prefecture, but they take some time before that to stretch their legs, find something to eat, and mentally prepare themselves for another three hours of sitting. They can only dawdle so long, though, if they're going to make it into Hitoyoshi in enough time to figure out where they need to go before night falls. Thanks to some clever sleuthing on the Internet, they've been able to narrow down the location of Akanishi Hitoshi's homestead to a specific ward, but they'll have no idea where to go from there once they arrive unless they can dig up more specific records at that ward's government office.
So they decide that'll be their first stop when they get there. The rise and fall of Kyushu's mountain peaks and valleys, the details on their faces carved out by fast-flowing rivers, provides breathtaking scenery for most of the trip, and it doesn't feel like it's been three hours at all when the bus pulls up at the depot in Hitoyoshi. Careful navigator that he is, and intent on not losing any time, Kazuya leads them in the direction of the specific ward and government building they need while Jin takes in the sights. Kazuya would say something about his boyfriend's lack of attention, just in case they do accidentally step off their route and get lost, but he gets the feeling that the whole day, and especially being where they are right now, feels really surreal to him, so he leaves him to his thoughts, briefly trailing his fingers along the inside of Jin's wrist to silently remind him that he's there for him.
Distractions and a few wrong turns aside, they reach the ward office in good time. A quick inquiry at the reception desk has them following the click-clack of the receptionist's high heels past the service counters for dealing with everyday administrative matters and down a long hallway to a small, stuffy room in the back of the building.
“This is the records room,” she says, her extremely polite Japanese tinged with the local accent. “An employee will be along shortly to assist you. Please wait just a moment.”
The employee turns out to be a hunched-over old man who looks as though he has one foot in the grave and a strong gust of wind could push him the rest of the way in, but then he turns his sharp gaze on them, and Kazuya gets the feeling that while physically he might appear wizened, intellectually, he could probably run circles around the both of them. He introduces himself as 'Ko,' which he explains is short for 'Kobayashi,' and there isn't anyone still alive who he would trust with his first name, so just 'Ko' is fine.
Kazuya tries and fails to bite back a grin as he and Jin both bow and introduce themselves.
Ko returns the gesture and then gingerly lowers his body into a chair. “Good, strong, interesting names. Names are important, boys-remember that. Now, what can I do for you?”
They take that as an invitation to join him at the small table in the center of the room that just fits among the rows of filing cabinets surrounding them, taking the two seats opposite him.
“We're looking for some information about a family that might live around here,” Kazuya says politely, his hands neatly folded on the surface of the table.
Ko's eyes seem to spark with interest. “Ah, what kind of information? Wait, first things first: what's the name?”
Jin clears his throat to kill the frog that seems to be living in it before quietly saying, “Akanishi Hitoshi.”
It doesn't surprise Kazuya to see Jin's eyes focused on the edge of the table instead of Ko when the old man's eyes widen at the reiteration of 'Akanishi' following Jin's self-introduction.
“I see,” he says, drawing the characters one by one on his wrinkled palm with the tip of his index finger on the opposite hand. “I think I can help you boys out. It might take a minute, though. I'm old, and there are a lot of people with 'nishi' somewhere in their names in this town!”
It's then that they realize the name of the ward they're in is West Hitoyoshi. “So much for my name referring to the sunset,” Jin mourns.
Kazuya's hand finds Jin's knee under the table. “That's not uncommon, though. I'd say most Japanese last names in some way refer to where that family was originally from.”
Jin's pouty lips quickly curl upwards in a smirk. “So what does that say about you?”
“Oi, shut up!”
“What's going on over there? My ears aren't very good anymore, so if you want me to hear anything, you'll have to speak up!” Both Jin and Kazuya hush as Ko shuffles back over, a small stack of documents held in the hand not pushing against his cane.
Kazuya removes his hand from Jin's knee to fold both of them together on the table again. “Jin was just saying that he thought his name might have referred to the sunset, but apparently that's not the case,” he explains, looking in any way to get revenge for the jab implying he potentially has reptilian or fruity ancestry.
Ko chuckles as though he has a secret, and Jin's cheeks turn the color of his name. “Well, let's see what the documents say, shall we?”
He offers the pile to Jin, but the records are so old that even Kazuya can't decipher the meanings of most of the kanji. Reading them proves unnecessary, though, because Ko starts telling them the full history of Jin's family as though he was there to witness it, detailing not just genealogy, but achievements made by Jin's relatives, disappointments, downright embarrassments, and plenty of happy occasions, like holidays, weddings, and births. They quickly get the impression that Ko has more knowledge stashed away in his mind than all of the contents of the file cabinets that surround them. He's one of a dying breed, and they soon come to realize, a rather remarkable man.
They both listen, enraptured by the antics of Jin's rather rowdy second cousins and the intense pride throughout the family resulting from one of his great-uncles coming home from the war a decorated sergeant until Ko's face suddenly turns grim. “Not long after that, disaster struck. It happened quickly. There was a fire in the middle of the night. No one knows for sure how it started, but it wasn't believed to be anything other than an accident. Well...the whole house went up in a matter of minutes. No one survived.”
They all sit in silence for a few moments, Kazuya and Jin both stunned and shaken by the revelation. Jin rests his elbows on the table and tangles his fingers on both hands in his hair, his expression blank and his face ashen as he stares unseeing at the documents before him. Ko's hand finds his forearm, and, in a quiet voice, he says, “I'm sorry for your loss,” as though it happened yesterday instead of more than fifty years prior. When Jin fails to respond, he turns to Kazuya. “The property's still there if you'd like to take a look at it. It's part of a shrine now, so it hasn't been touched. Just follow the highway west out of town and make a right when you come to the canal. You'll run right into it.”
In a shaky voice, Kazuya bows his head and answers, “We-We'll do that. Thank you.” He runs a hand across Jin's shoulderblades as he stands up, and, as though prompted by the touch, Jin rises as well.
Kazuya intends to bow low at the waist when they go to thank Ko for his time and assistance, but the sight of Jin dropping to his knees and lowering both his head and his hands to the floor makes him do the same. “Thank you,” he says again on Jin's behalf, because he's not entirely sure the other can speak at the moment. “Your time has been invaluable. You've been of such great help to us, I don't know if I can put it into words.”
Ko says nothing in response to Kazuya's expression of gratitude, just shows them the lowest bow his crippled back will allow him to perform. “You boys take care of each other.”
Kazuya feels no shame in wrapping his arm around Jin's waist when they pick themselves up off the floor and turn to leave.
They follow Ko's directions exactly, and they're lucky enough to stumble across a small onsen ryokan nestled away between the buildings on the outskirts of town. Jin says little the whole time they check in and go up to their room to drop off their bags, only answering when prompted (“Can you sign for the room so they know one of us is of age?” “Sure.” “Which futon do you want?” “Doesn't matter.” “Do you have your key?” “Yes, mother.” “Want to go spy on the girls in the bath?” “What? Kazuya!” “Just making sure you were paying attention.”) and when they set off again, Kazuya stops trying to force him, understanding he's distraught from how he keeps his head bowed the entire time they go along. When he reaches for and squeezes his hand, Jin squeezes back even tighter.
They walk silently along the side of the road, watching houses give way to rice paddies that run all the way up to the bases of the mountains off in the distance on either side of them. Not used to the warmer climate after an unusually cold winter, sweat starts to prickle at the backs of their necks, and Kazuya wishes they'd brought their bags with them when he remembers he'd stashed a bottle of water in the side pocket, but then they come to a narrow, man-made canal with an even narrower concrete footpath running alongside it, and he's glad to be free of the excess weight after all.
They both pause to look at it, somehow doubting it's the way to a shrine, but in the end they descend the ladder from the bridge to the canal, anyway, thinking they haven't got anything to lose and Ko doesn't seem like the kind of person who would steer them wrong. It's extremely slow-going, as the footpath isn't perfectly level, and one wrong step could send them arms flailing into either a paddy or the canal itself.
Eventually they reach a point where the canal gives way to a river that seems to run straight out of the mountains. Helping each other to shore, they walk up the bank, looking for any sign that this is where they're supposed to be. It takes them a while to find it, but it's there-a patch of bright red amongst the green trees high up on the slope above them denotes a shrine gate.
Pressing the heels of his palms to his forehead, Jin all but shrieks, “We need to go all the way up there? How?!”
Kazuya doesn't answer, already looking for a sign or a staircase-something, anything to point out a way. After a while, Jin joins in, but even after they scour every inch of the bank, they come up with nothing. Jin slumps to the grass in defeat, and a moment later, after taking one good, hard look around, Kazuya joins him. “You don't think he'd actually give us the wrong information, do you?” he asks, worry lines starting to appear around his forehead and mouth.
Jin shrugs. “It's hard to say. He seemed like a really nice guy, though. Maybe he made a mistake?”
“Could be.” Kazuya lays down to stare up at the blue sky and listen to the sound of the river as it rushes past them. “Or we're the ones who made the mistake. Assuming his directions were right, we're exactly where we're supposed to be. We must be missing something.” It's when he tilts his head a little to look at Jin that he notices something peculiar about the clearing they're laying in. “Wait a second.”
He can feel Jin's curious stare on him as he hurries to sit up and starts clawing at some of the tall grass growing around them. “Jin, c'mere and look at this.”
Jin gives him a look that clearly asks what he's supposed to be looking at besides Kazuya hating on nature until he sees it. “Oh.”
“'Oh' is right.” A few more sweeps of Kazuya's hands through the brush reveal a gentle slope of the earth into a perfectly shaped basin that clearly wasn't made by nature. Rather, it looks as though nature's spent the last sixty or so years turning the rice paddy they're sitting in wild, to the point where they hadn't even noticed it until Kazuya had laid down and seen the clearing from a different angle. “You don't think...?”
He looks at Jin, hope wide in his eyes, and Jin suddenly understands what he's getting at. “Ko did say it had burnt to the ground...”
They both get up and take another look. Walking around the area, they map out the perimeter of a single large rice paddy that may have at one point been four, and to their surprise, it takes up less than half of the clearing. Kazuya regards the other half thoughtfully. “Could that have been...?”
“The house.” Jin runs over to it, and Kazuya quickly follows. Now that they know what they're looking for, it's easy to spot the faint outline of stone that marks the foundation hidden beneath a thin layer of grass, dirt, and moss that had grown over it.
Kazuya's hand on Jin's shoulder, they walk the perimeter together, and then the interior, guessing where doors, rooms, and windows might have been. When they're in what Jin declares to be the kitchen (“And on the floor above it, the master suite,” he adds), Kazuya wraps his arms tightly around his waist and pulls him into a deep kiss. When they separate, he says, “You found it, Jin.”
Jin beams and returns the embrace, resting his forehead against Kazuya's. “I have land. Out in the middle of nowhere, sure, but still...I have land.”
Following a peck to Jin's lips, Kazuya raises his arms to Jin's shoulders so he can give him a proper hug. “I'm just sorry there isn't more for you to see. A full, standing house, or...” A living relative, he means to say.
Jin hums and presses a kiss to Kazuya's hair. “It's sad, but... Wait.”
“Hm?” Kazuya blinks in confusion when Jin seems to trail off. “Something wrong?”
“No, I...” But whatever it is Jin wants to say, he can't get it out, and instead of trying, he takes Kazuya by the hand and starts leading him towards the trees.
It's not until he sees where Jin's taking him that he understands why. Perfectly even with where they decided the back door would have been, there's a gentle, but definitely unnatural indentation to the slope of the ground that seems to lead straight up into the mountains. There's no marker pointing it out or any construction to denote that it's a path, but that's exactly what it is. As they climb, Kazuya can just make out among the plant life threatening to erase it where Jin's family members had at one time trodden on the earth to make this little walkway. For what purpose, though?
The answer draws a gasp from his throat, and he hurries to stand at Jin's side. A cemetery. And not only that, but above them, flowering tree branches weave a canopy of pale pink sakura and some scarlet blossom that Kazuya's never seen the likes of before. “So that's where the 'red' in 'Akanishi' comes from,” he says weakly, completely in awe of their surroundings.
Jin, though, is much more interested in the monuments. Kazuya doesn't notice he's moved from his side until he sees him trace his fingers over the inscription on one of them, and then he hurries to join him again. Silently, he regards the grave Jin's looking at, realizing it bears the same birth date and kanji as the birth certificate Jin had shown him. The document hadn't listed a death date, but the monument does. “Akanishi Hitoshi,” he reads, “born January 27th in the 38th year of Meiji, died June 16th, 26th year of Showa.”
“Great-Grandpa Hitoshi,” Jin chokes.
A brief glance at the surrounding graves reveals the same death date on all of them. “The day of the fire,” Kazuya murmurs.
Jin sniffs, drawing his forearm to his eyes to hide his tears. “I-I should pray,” he says. “I should pray, but...I don't really...I-I'm not sure how.”
Kazuya grips his arm tightly and pulls him down with him as he gets to his knees, demonstrating how to fold his hands and bow his head in prayer. With trembling hands, Jin tries to copy his movements, but after a few moments, his shoulders shake with sobs, and he can't hold the position. Kazuya straightens to hold him, pulling him as close to his own body as he can to try and comfort him as he mourns for his family. He drops kisses to the crown of Jin's head and rubs his back, but it seems rather pointless as he can't hold back his own tears at the thought of Jin grieving for relatives who entered his life for only this one, brief moment-a time seemingly even more fleeting than when the sakura above their heads will soon fall from the trees to cover the graves like a blanket.
It's in that moment, sitting there holding Jin, letting his tears soak the shoulder of his shirt, that Kazuya realizes what he feels for Jin are the pangs of first love. It's not just sympathy, though there's certainly plenty of that, too. It's more a jumble of feelings-care, affection, happiness, longing, and a few others he doesn't think he can give names to. Together, they make him feel like he can't say he's ever felt before, where seeing Jin hurting like this makes him himself ache, too. It makes him wish he had the power to take away all of his sorrow so he'd never have to suffer again. He wants to keep Jin in Japan with him as long as possible, far longer than the one-year term that's been allocated, to show him every aspect of the cultural experience he's desired but been denied of his whole life. With a silent vow to protect Jin from whatever hardship comes their way, he sits there with him for as long as the other feels he needs, conveying as much wordless feeling and comfort as he can until Jin starts to calm down.
Even after Jin's tears finally cease, neither of them say anything for a long time, content to sit together in this tragic, but still special and certainly beautiful place, Kazuya's fingers trailing through Jin's hair where his head rests on his shoulder. Although he has an admission of his feelings on the tip of his tongue, after a long while, Kazuya manages to swallow it down so he can say instead, “I'm sure your ancestors are really happy you're here.”
Jin shifts a little against him, and when he speaks, his voice gets muffled in part by the skin at Kazuya's neck. “And to think my relatives at home probably don't know about any of this.”
“That's their loss,” Kazuya says sternly, not at all pleased that circumstances beyond Jin's control within his own family made it that he had to find out about his extended relatives this way. “You did a really good thing, Jin. You're making things right by you, which I think is really admirable.”
A soft smile curls at Jin's lips then, and Kazuya swears he can feel some of the tension leave Jin's body as he lets out a deep sigh. Turning in his arms, Jin says, “Thank you so much, Kazuya, for making all of this possible. I really couldn't have done it without you.”
“Anything for you,” Kazuya says, a bit more tenderly than he means for it to come out, before cupping Jin's jaw and pulling him into a kiss.
When they get back to the ryokan, they go for a long, hot soak in the onsen to unwind from their trying day before changing into yukata and getting ready for bed. They don't say much as they go through the motions, but it's not a situation where much needs to be said. A lot has happened over the course of the day, and because they went through all of it together, it feels as though they've reached a new, unspoken level of understanding with each other when, without prompting, they climb into the same futon and hold each other close as they fall asleep.
16. The Beatles--I'm So Tired
After such a long, exhausting day, the last thing Kazuya expects is to find himself awake in the middle of the night, but that's exactly what happens when a dream drags him back into consciousness uncomfortably warm, panting, and hard in his boxers. Unclenching one of his hands from the covers, he wipes it across his sweaty forehead in a vain attempt to calm down. He's of course dreamt vividly, intensely, passionately like that before, but somehow he knows this is different. He thought he knew what sexual desire felt like, but never has his want or, dare he say it, need to touch and be touched felt so strong or been so focused on a specific person before. Rolling on his side to look at the broad lines of Jin's shoulders in the dark, Kazuya knows that he wants for them to share that experience together, more than he's ever thought he's wanted it with anyone else (which would make sense, considering he still has yet to take that step with anyone). But this he's sure of. He feels ready. He doesn't even care if it's particularly good so long as he gets to feel Jin and see the same feelings reflected in Jin's eyes looking down at him.
The setting is certainly encouraging. Knowing that by just moving over a few inches, he could kiss Jin awake, press himself against him, and ask for it like he had in his dream makes him shiver and only adds to the discomfort he feels down below, but it also spurs him on. Hidden away together hundreds of miles from his parents and his younger brother, they could have complete privacy and let their cries of passion for each other spill freely from their lips.
He has half a mind to do it--to let his hormones guide him and take that first step, and he's trying to work up enough courage to take the plunge when Jin suddenly rolls onto his back. At first Kazuya looks at Jin from this new angle with desire, taking in the exposed parts of his shoulder and collarbone where the collar of his shirt falls away from his neck, as well as the teasing trail of dark hair disappearing beneath the waistband of his briefs, but he stops abruptly when he catches a glimpse of his sleeping face. While the tear tracks have long since faded from Jin's cheeks, and he looks more at peace now than he has in a long time, Kazuya remembers what he'd looked like in the cemetery earlier that day, his eyes red and puffy and the rest of his face a mess as he'd cried his heart out, and suddenly he feels sick with himself for even considering what he was going to try and do.
Yes, he knows now that he wants Jin to be his first, and now had seemed like the perfect opportunity to tell him that, but...it would be unfair and downright cruel to drop that on Jin after he's had such an emotionally charged day. Suddenly, at the same time that he's hard and desperate for Jin's touch, he wants nothing more than to hold him in his arms, keeping him safe and comfortable until morning comes and they can take on whatever the next day has in store for them together. His feelings are at war.
It's amazing how two such powerful emotions, distinct and yet interwoven with each other, can play such a vicious game of tug-of-war on his psyche. The longer Kazuya lays there in the darkness looking at Jin, the more he feels the push and pull of his conflicting desires. With every inhale, he wants to draw closer, curling around Jin's body the best he can to hold them tightly together, but then he exhales and feels the raw physical attraction again, which yanks at his conscience and makes him draw back.
The battle is decisive, if hard-won.
It's easier to curl up to Jin after sneaking out of bed and hobbling into the bathroom to find relief in his own hand, but even as his heart thunders happily in his chest when Jin turns towards his embrace and murmurs his name in his sleep, Kazuya remains aware of the low thrum of desire still present within him. He's placated it for now, but he's sure it's never been so insistent before. Even with Jin's head tucked comfortably beneath his chin and their fingers entwined, it's hard for Kazuya to fall back asleep when he's forced to consider how much this trip has changed him already, and there's still another day to go.
They're due back in Tokyo by the following evening, but the skinkansen they need to catch doesn't leave Fukuoka until 2:00, so there's time for Jin and Kazuya to pay one more visit to Jin's family before they have to check out of the ryokan and start making their way back.
The dilemma that had woken Kazuya up in the middle of the night haunts him for a while in the morning, but it's easy to forget about when Jin pulls him into a stationery shop on the way out of town, announcing he'd like to write a letter to his ancestors in Japanese. While Jin browses the wide selection of traditional paper and envelopes, Kazuya purchases a blank pocket diary.
As Jin settles himself in the middle of the dry rice paddy to write his letter, Kazuya walks up and down the riverbank picking every wildflower he can find, either to make a bouquet to lay at the graves of those who lost their lives in the fire or to press them into the pages of the diary.
Their last trip to the cemetery is solemn, but they don't shed any more tears. They've gotten their sadness out, and now they're here to pay their respects one last time, remember, and move on. Kazuya collects the first blossoms starting to fall and preserves them in the diary while Jin slips the envelope, addressed to his great-grandfather with just the kanji their first names share, beneath the black marble base of the grave, and then they both kneel to pray.
As they take one last look at the property before they have to follow the canal back to civilization, Kazuya tries to casually slip the diary full of flowers into Jin's pocket, except that there's no real way to give a gift like that casually, so he gets a watery smile and a hug from Jin when he opens it and sees what it is.
“Kazuya, thank you, I...” Not knowing exactly what he wants to say, he just gives Kazuya a look, and the emotion conveyed in his eyes is enough to make Kazuya want to melt on the spot.
When he takes Jin's hand and squeezes it, it feels like his heart already is. “Ready to go back?”
Jin lets out a long, deep breath. “Yeah. Let's go.”
Part 6
The next day dawns with a hint of chill lingering in the air, enough to turn their breath into fog when they exhale, but the uncooperative weather does little to dampen the smiles of Kazuya's family and Jin as they gather in the courtyard after the ceremony to take pictures. Kazuya beams for every flash of the camera, making his eyes crinkle up as he clutches his yearbook tightly to his chest. Later, Jin'll steal it to write an English message on the inside cover, but for now he just stands back and appreciates how handsome his boyfriend looks in the uniform that, after today, he'll never have to wear again. If Kazuya gets his wish, it'll be nothing but baseball uniforms from here on out. It's a wish that shines brightly in his eyes as he poses for pictures with his parents on either side of him.
Jin offers to take a picture of the whole Kamenashi family together, and after the shutter clicks, he sees Kazuya's mother start to fiddle with her son's uniform jacket through the viewfinder.
“Kazuya, your second button is missing,” she says, surprised, and then more than a hint of teasing enters her voice when she follows up with, “Is there something you're not telling us?”
Jin gets the feeling he doesn't fully understand what's happening when, in response to the question, Kazuya blushes bright red and starts to stutter, squirming away from his brothers' physical and verbal jabs. So he lost a button--big deal. Is not knowing how to do laundry properly so embarrassing?
Suddenly, Kazuya breaks free of his family to wrap his arm around Jin's shoulder, and Jin feels Kazuya's cheek move against his as he all but demands someone take a picture of them. The rest of the family goes along with the distraction instead of falling for it, but Jin promptly forgets about the previous topic of conversation, because having Kazuya's deceptively strong arm around him and the sharp point of his hipbone digging into his own feels too good to think about anything else. He snakes his own arm around the backs of Kazuya's shoulders and remembers to smile for the camera.
~*~*~*~
Jin wakes on the morning of March 14th to a plate of homemade cookies next to his futon. He has no idea where they came from or what they're doing there, and some of them look more like blobs than any recognizable shape, but that doesn't have any effect on how they taste, which is pretty delicious. Without realizing it, he's munched his way through three of them.
Kazuya is unusually quiet when Jin slips into his regular seat next to him for breakfast, focusing very intently on his miso soup and rice. Jin has half a mind to ask him if he knows of any cookie fairies that might deliver treats in the middle of the night to sleeping exchange students, but something about the atmosphere at the table and Kazuya's silence tells him that raising a question about the mystery plate of deliciousness he woke up to wouldn't be the best idea. After breakfast, then. The only problem is that he's not sure what to talk about in the meantime that won't lead back to the surprise cookies, so he keeps quiet and hopes that Kazuya will contribute something to ease the awkwardness settling over the table. He doesn't, and it doesn't take Kazuya's mother long to pick up on their uncharacteristic behavior.
“You boys are awfully quiet this morning,” she comments, taking a sip of tea.
“Tired,” they answer, almost in unison, to which Kazuya's mother clicks her tongue and rolls her eyes a little.
“Teenagers. That's what you always say. Would it kill you to approach life with a bit of enthusiasm? Or...Oh, I know. You're both down in the dumps because today you have to give presents to girls.”
A smug little smile comes over her face, but neither Kazuya nor Jin notices, because Jin's eyes go wide at the reminder of the holiday, and Kazuya has to kick him under the table before he does something embarrassing and/or revealing, like turn in his seat to point dramatically at him and say, “So that's why I got cookies this morning!”
Instead of doing that, Jin flinches and lets out a pained sound, assuring his host mother when she asks if he's okay that he's fine-just hit his knee on the table leg. When Kazuya clears his throat, Jin looks over at him and notices that he's fiddling nervously with his hands in his lap, his breakfast dishes long since empty. In response to this, Jin announces that maybe he should walk off his injury after all and makes a show of hobbling up the stairs to give Kazuya time to clear the table and follow at a regular pace.
When they're both safely back in their room, Kazuya turns to close and lock the door. Whirling around again, he says quietly, “ You forgot, didn't you?”
Jin's voice rises in pitch like it always does when he finds himself on the defensive. “No! I...okay, so maybe I did, but you can't blame me for that because we don't have that tradition in America, and technically I still have the rest of the day to get you a present, so don't think all hope is lost, and...” He trails off for a moment, brows furrowing as he tries to work out what else he can say in his own defense until his gaze falls upon the plate still beside his pillow. “The cookies were really good, by the way. The hearts, stars, and um...”
“Bunnies.”
“Bunnies, right...” He sees it, then, of course: the one perfect bunny-shaped cookie in the whole batch, both of its long ears and cotton ball tail still intact. He picks it off the top of the pile and absentmindedly bites its head off. “Anyway, they're really tasty. You must have spent a long time making them.”
The flattery works, shifting the hunched, irritated lines of Kazuya's shoulders into something akin to modesty. “Mayumi-chan helped me. That's probably the only reason why they aren't burnt or taste bad enough to make you want to spit them out.”
He sits cross-legged on Jin's futon, reaching for the pile, and Jin would say something about not wanting crumbs in his bed if not for the adorable surprised expression that comes over Kazuya's face when he takes a bite, his eyebrows shooting towards his hairline as though he'd forgotten what they tasted like and couldn't believe he'd made something so delicious.
Jin smiles and wraps an arm around Kazuya's shoulders instead of reaching for another cookie, his stomach stretching uncomfortably to accommodate the four he's had already on top of breakfast. “You know, I'm kind of surprised you didn't make me baseball-shaped cookies.”
Kazuya licks crumbs from his lips and hastily brushes his hand across Jin's pillow when some of them fall. “Sorry...I wanted to, but there wasn't any icing, and Mayumi-chan insisted her cutesy-shaped cookie cutters would be more interesting than plain circles.”
Jin looks disapprovingly down at his pillow, still littered with miniscule specks of cookie despite Kazuya's best attempts to get rid of them. “I hope you're apologizing for getting crumbs in my futon and not because you think I'm disappointed I didn't get baseball cookies.”
Kazuya gives Jin's scowl a sideways look, one corner of his mouth quirking upwards in a grin. “If it bothers you that much, we can share mine.”
Jin's tone turns playful, and the pressure he puts on Kazuya's shoulder with his own increases as he leans against him. “I think I'd want that even if it didn't bother me.”
Kazuya laughs then, but Jin quickly cuts the sound off by covering Kazuya's lips with his own, making him groan, instead, when he runs his long fingers through the other's hair.
Kazuya gives as good as he gets, nipping at Jin's lips and flicking his tongue out until Jin makes a similar sound, and then he trails his lips up the line of Jin's square jaw just to tease, pulling away once he reaches his ear to whisper, “I'll only share my futon with you on the condition that you get me an acceptable White Day present. And by 'acceptable,' I mean 'really damn good.'" He leaves the, “Because I busted my ass, burnt my fingers, and endured a whole afternoon of Mayumi-chan teasing me about you to make you those cookies,” implied, but it's easy enough for Jin to read in the look he gives him.
Nodding as though accepting Kazuya's declaration as a challenge, Jin drops one more firm kiss to his lips and takes his hand to pull him up. “Come on, I've got an idea.”
13. Michael Bublé & Ivan Lins--Wonderful Tonight
There are a number of parks closer to the house than Yoyogi, but they're much less likely to stand out amongst the droves of quirky performers and other interesting characters who flock there than they would among the legions of housewives and schoolboys who frequent the ones in the neighborhood. Jin plops himself down at the base of a sturdy tree in a woody area near the park center and sets his acoustic guitar in his lap, fiddling with the tuning pegs while Kazuya takes a seat across from him.
“I hope you didn't drag me all the way out here just to sing to me in a language I don't understand,” Kazuya quips, but his tongue-in-cheek expression fades into something softer when Jin just looks at him and starts strumming the opening bars of Eric Clapton's 'Tears in Heaven.' He doesn't know if Jin sneaked a peek at his iPod to find out what kind of music he likes or if he just got lucky in his song choice, but it doesn't matter. The gentle rise and fall of the notes evokes tender feelings within him, both for the song and the man singing it for him, and by the time the final chord is but a ghost living inside Jin's guitar, Kazuya has his eyes closed and his cheek pressed to Jin's shoulder.
“Do you know any others?”
Jin doesn't answer, instead transitioning straight into 'Wonderful Tonight,' which makes Kazuya's small hands grip tightly at his sweatshirt in pleasure. When that one ends, Kazuya requests 'Change the World,' and they end up going through songs one by one until Kazuya's exhausted all the ones by guitar players he likes that Jin knows, at which point Jin starts playing some of the songs he's written himself. Kazuya doesn't understand more than a word or two in any of them, but he doesn't mind, because the gentle crooning of Jin's voice and the melody his fingers create as they caress the strings and the frets of the guitar are beautiful enough on their own.
Jin finally runs out of material as twilight starts to settle over the park, but when he moves to stand up, Kazuya tightens his grip on his shoulder and pulls him back down again. “I thought you didn't sing for other people.”
Setting his guitar aside, Jin turns his head towards Kazuya and pulls him a bit closer, rubbing his thumb over the outline of his bony shoulder through his sweater. “Maybe you're the exception.”
It's clear from how brightly Kazuya's eyes shine upon hearing Jin's response that he very much likes the idea of being special to Jin in that way. Even though it's not exactly what Jin said, Kazuya answers with, “You're special to me, too.”
Jin's eyes go wide with surprise when Kazuya shifts a little in his arms to produce something on a thin gold chain from his pocket-maybe a pendant of some sort. Closer inspection reveals it to be a single brass button. “Isn't that off your uniform? I thought you said you lost it.”
Kazuya's tongue slips out to run across his lower lip, and he fidgets a little at Jin's side. “Well, I didn't. I'm giving it to you.”
“Well, that's great and all, but...” Jin stops when he notices the surprisingly serious look Kazuya's giving him, at once feeling as though he's missing something.
“It's a tradition,” Kazuya tries again, confidence quickly fading from his voice facing Jin's confusion. The other suddenly cutting in with, “If only someone would write a Cliff's Notes of all the Japanese traditions!” doesn't help, either, but still he tries to carry on. “It's a tradition at Japanese high schools for the boy to give the second button off his uniform jacket to his sweetheart at graduation. I couldn't give you mine right away because my family was there, but...I want you to have it.”
Proof that he finally understands the seriousness of the moment starts to seep into Jin's eyes, and as he gingerly takes the chain to fasten the clasp around his neck, he says, in a surprisingly shaky voice, “Oh...thank you.” He falls silent for a moment, a strange, but still soft look coming to his eyes, and Kazuya's sorely tempted to ask him what he's thinking about until he comes out with, “I'll write you a song. I'll write you a song, record myself singing it, and then I'll translate it into Japanese so you can have something special from me, too.”
Kazuya's eyes widen in surprise at the promise that even Jin doesn't seem aware he was going to make. He takes a moment to think about it, though, imagining Jin's body curled around his guitar for hours as he thinks about their relationship and how to put it into words that rise and fall with a melody. Impulsive though it might have been, Kazuya quickly finds that he very much likes the idea, and he conveys that to Jin with a tender look, tracing his fingers over the ridges of the button around Jin's neck as he kisses him-warm, gentle, and full of feelings he doesn't think he knows how to put into words. He smiles against Jin's cheek when the other whispers, “Please look forward to it,” into his ear.
He will.
As they're walking back through the park to the station, fingers tangled loosely between them, Jin suddenly squeezes Kazuya's hand and asks, “Ne, was that good enough for you to share your futon with me tonight?”
Kazuya just smiles and bumps Jin's hip with his own, which Jin takes as a yes.
What Kazuya doesn't say is that spending the afternoon like that with Jin is the best White Day present he's ever gotten.
~*~*~*~
14. The Arcade Fire--Keep the Car Running
As the date for their departure for Kyushu approaches, the feeling that they're about to embark on an adventure together intensifies, and both Jin and Kazuya start to feel anxious. Kazuya can't speak for Jin, but what he feels is actually a swirl of different emotions at the thought of the trip. There's anxiousness and excitement, of course, when he thinks about getting the chance to help Jin fulfill his wish, but the nervousness that comes when he realizes this is the first time he'll be traveling outside Tokyo without his parents, and that he's going so far away with his boyfriend threatens to overwhelm all of that. As he continues to think about it, it starts to feel as though, instead of the gentle butterflies fluttering around inside him whenever he thinks of Jin, Mosura himself is rocketing around in their place, his enormous wings laying waste to the walls of his stomach.
The only thing he can find that sufficiently distracts from the uncomfortable sensation is baseball. Since making the arrangements for the trip, he's tried out for and made the roster of an elite club team, so in the final weeks leading up to the season opener in the first week of April, there's plenty for him to do. The exhaustion and faint feeling of nausea after grueling practices and the roller coaster ride of tension, nerves, and excitement he feels during every game (even exhibition ones) don't necessarily make him feel any better, but at least those are physical and emotional reactions he knows how to handle, whereas this thing he has with Jin is fresh and new, and for that reason just a little bit petrifying.
Having both baseball and the trip to worry about raises a problem of its own: scheduling. Looking at the calendar the team's pitching coach made for him, it doesn't take Kazuya long to realize his and Jin's being in Kyushu means he'll have to miss an important practice session and a meeting with his coaches. It's unfortunate, but at this point there's not much that can be done about it, so he arranges for his mother to call him in sick that day and promise the team manager he'll make up the missed time however he needs to once he's well again. It's the first time Kazuya is willingly giving up baseball for anything, but he realizes exactly what he's gaining for losing training time when, one night after he gets home from practice, three days before he and Jin are set to leave, he enters the bedroom to find Jin sitting in the swivel desk chair with his packed bag at his feet, looking up at him like he's waiting for him to get his act together and get ready so they can leave for the train station as soon as possible.
Kazuya hates to disappoint him, but he can't change his schedule or the dates of their tickets, so he wordlessly crosses the room and straddles Jin's thighs to settle comfortably in his lap, pulling Jin's hands away from picking at his cuticles on his long fingers. When he feels those strong arms wrap around him to hold him steady, Kazuya leans forward to drape his own arms around Jin's shoulders.
Jin automatically lowers his head to nuzzle Kazuya's neck, but he cringes and pulls away a moment later. “You stink.”
The other bristles a little. “Sorry. You looked like you needed a hug, though.”
There's a brief press of lips to the salty skin of Kazuya's cheek, which lets him know that despite what he says, Jin's grateful for the comfort, and his boyfriend's post-workout, pre-shower state doesn't bother him nearly as much as he lets on. And yet that doesn't stop him from saying, “Not as badly as you need a bath!”
Kazuya swats at his shoulder and squirms to stand again, dropping a kiss to the corner of Jin's mouth and a vague, “Hang in there,” before grabbing a towel and heading for the bathroom.
15. Belle and Sebastian--Piazza, New York Catcher
When the awaited day finally dawns, neither Kazuya nor Jin is particularly enthused, but only because catching the shinkansen to Fukuoka means they have to get up at 5 AM, and neither of them can say they're fond of early mornings. After blearily shuffling along and stifling wide yawns between the various local lines that take them to the nearest station with a shinkansen track, their excitement returns full-force at the sight of the sleek-nosed Nozomi slowing to a stop in front of the platform. Jin hastily snaps a few pictures of the speed machine on his phone before clambering after Kazuya.
Once they've found their seats and the train departs the station, Jin keeps his face pressed to the window, watching the scenery rush by outside until they're going fast enough that it all starts to blur together. It's a long ride to Fukuoka, and Kazuya intends to spend as much of it sleeping as possible, unknowingly inviting Jin to do the same when he drops his head to his shoulder. Their heads bump gently together with the movement of the train once they both slip into subconscious.
It's over the course of the ride that Kazuya finds out Jin isn't one to sit still very long. He hasn't been asleep for more than a couple hours when the sensation that his pillow is fidgeting takes hold in his brain and slowly draws him out of his slumber. “Mm...Jin?”
More fidgeting. “Sorry for waking you. We're not there yet, but I need to go to the bathroom.”
In his half-asleep state, Kazuya almost presses a kiss to Jin's cheek when he moves to stand up, pulling back at the last second when he remembers they're in a train car full of people. “Watch your aim,” he says instead, to fend off the blush threatening to paint his cheeks.
“Oi, Kazuya, shut up.”
“No, I mean it,” he says earnestly. “The train moves around a lot.”
The elderly couple seated behind them smiles knowingly at their conversation, which makes Jin go red to the top of his ears when he notices. “Ass.”
Neither the old lady nor Kazuya can hold back a chuckle.
Jin doesn't appear to hold a grudge about the teasing when he comes back, but he is unusually quiet, and he still can't seem to sit still. Kazuya watches him solemnly, no idea what might be wrong until he notices Jin's lower lip disappear into his mouth once in a while, at which point he shifts a little in his seat so no one can see between them and reaches for Jin's hand. “There's probably no point in telling you not to be nervous, huh?” he says, gently squeezing and running his thumb over Jin's knuckles.
Jin looks at him, and his insecure expression lets Kazuya know that he'd very much like to get closer, but unfortunately there's no way to make that possible at the moment. “You couldn't tell me you wouldn't be the same if you were in my shoes.”
Kazuya squeezes a bit tighter, and he's quick to respond with, “I'm not saying that. But whatever the outcome, you'll have accomplished what you set out to do. There's something to be said for that, don't you think?”
“Yeah, but...” Jin trails off and purses his lips, retreating back into his own thoughts in a way that suggests he's spent more time than he cares to think about considering the various options for what could happen after they get to Kyushu. Looking at it from that perspective, Kazuya feels like he understands Jin's apprehension at the thought of years of wondering and thinking about it potentially being realized in just a few short hours.
Kazuya pulls Jin as close as he feels he can get away with and murmurs, “Knowing is still better than not. Even if you don't find everything you're looking for, it'll be okay.” Mentally, he adds on, I'll make it okay, all of a sudden feeling fiercely protective of the troubled man he's grown to care so much about. He's not sure where that particular urge comes from, but he swallows it down for the time being when it tells him he should reach across the armrest and pull Jin into his arms. He does raise the barrier between them, but only to fit his head more comfortably in the crook of Jin's shoulder. “Let's take this one step at a time, yeah? First step: pass the time until we can get off this train.” He makes a show of stretching his legs as much as he can in the small amount of space between his seat and the one in front of him to signal that he's starting to get uncomfortable.
Jin nods in empathy and then adds, “My butt is going numb.”
Kazuya stifles a laugh against his shoulder. “Sorry to hear that. Nap with me again, and then maybe when we wake up, we'll be there.”
“You know that's not going to work.”
Except that it does, and they engage in a few well-deserved cat-like stretches when their feet leave the train for the concrete of the station platform.
The next part of their journey involves a long bus trip deep into Kumamoto prefecture, but they take some time before that to stretch their legs, find something to eat, and mentally prepare themselves for another three hours of sitting. They can only dawdle so long, though, if they're going to make it into Hitoyoshi in enough time to figure out where they need to go before night falls. Thanks to some clever sleuthing on the Internet, they've been able to narrow down the location of Akanishi Hitoshi's homestead to a specific ward, but they'll have no idea where to go from there once they arrive unless they can dig up more specific records at that ward's government office.
So they decide that'll be their first stop when they get there. The rise and fall of Kyushu's mountain peaks and valleys, the details on their faces carved out by fast-flowing rivers, provides breathtaking scenery for most of the trip, and it doesn't feel like it's been three hours at all when the bus pulls up at the depot in Hitoyoshi. Careful navigator that he is, and intent on not losing any time, Kazuya leads them in the direction of the specific ward and government building they need while Jin takes in the sights. Kazuya would say something about his boyfriend's lack of attention, just in case they do accidentally step off their route and get lost, but he gets the feeling that the whole day, and especially being where they are right now, feels really surreal to him, so he leaves him to his thoughts, briefly trailing his fingers along the inside of Jin's wrist to silently remind him that he's there for him.
Distractions and a few wrong turns aside, they reach the ward office in good time. A quick inquiry at the reception desk has them following the click-clack of the receptionist's high heels past the service counters for dealing with everyday administrative matters and down a long hallway to a small, stuffy room in the back of the building.
“This is the records room,” she says, her extremely polite Japanese tinged with the local accent. “An employee will be along shortly to assist you. Please wait just a moment.”
The employee turns out to be a hunched-over old man who looks as though he has one foot in the grave and a strong gust of wind could push him the rest of the way in, but then he turns his sharp gaze on them, and Kazuya gets the feeling that while physically he might appear wizened, intellectually, he could probably run circles around the both of them. He introduces himself as 'Ko,' which he explains is short for 'Kobayashi,' and there isn't anyone still alive who he would trust with his first name, so just 'Ko' is fine.
Kazuya tries and fails to bite back a grin as he and Jin both bow and introduce themselves.
Ko returns the gesture and then gingerly lowers his body into a chair. “Good, strong, interesting names. Names are important, boys-remember that. Now, what can I do for you?”
They take that as an invitation to join him at the small table in the center of the room that just fits among the rows of filing cabinets surrounding them, taking the two seats opposite him.
“We're looking for some information about a family that might live around here,” Kazuya says politely, his hands neatly folded on the surface of the table.
Ko's eyes seem to spark with interest. “Ah, what kind of information? Wait, first things first: what's the name?”
Jin clears his throat to kill the frog that seems to be living in it before quietly saying, “Akanishi Hitoshi.”
It doesn't surprise Kazuya to see Jin's eyes focused on the edge of the table instead of Ko when the old man's eyes widen at the reiteration of 'Akanishi' following Jin's self-introduction.
“I see,” he says, drawing the characters one by one on his wrinkled palm with the tip of his index finger on the opposite hand. “I think I can help you boys out. It might take a minute, though. I'm old, and there are a lot of people with 'nishi' somewhere in their names in this town!”
It's then that they realize the name of the ward they're in is West Hitoyoshi. “So much for my name referring to the sunset,” Jin mourns.
Kazuya's hand finds Jin's knee under the table. “That's not uncommon, though. I'd say most Japanese last names in some way refer to where that family was originally from.”
Jin's pouty lips quickly curl upwards in a smirk. “So what does that say about you?”
“Oi, shut up!”
“What's going on over there? My ears aren't very good anymore, so if you want me to hear anything, you'll have to speak up!” Both Jin and Kazuya hush as Ko shuffles back over, a small stack of documents held in the hand not pushing against his cane.
Kazuya removes his hand from Jin's knee to fold both of them together on the table again. “Jin was just saying that he thought his name might have referred to the sunset, but apparently that's not the case,” he explains, looking in any way to get revenge for the jab implying he potentially has reptilian or fruity ancestry.
Ko chuckles as though he has a secret, and Jin's cheeks turn the color of his name. “Well, let's see what the documents say, shall we?”
He offers the pile to Jin, but the records are so old that even Kazuya can't decipher the meanings of most of the kanji. Reading them proves unnecessary, though, because Ko starts telling them the full history of Jin's family as though he was there to witness it, detailing not just genealogy, but achievements made by Jin's relatives, disappointments, downright embarrassments, and plenty of happy occasions, like holidays, weddings, and births. They quickly get the impression that Ko has more knowledge stashed away in his mind than all of the contents of the file cabinets that surround them. He's one of a dying breed, and they soon come to realize, a rather remarkable man.
They both listen, enraptured by the antics of Jin's rather rowdy second cousins and the intense pride throughout the family resulting from one of his great-uncles coming home from the war a decorated sergeant until Ko's face suddenly turns grim. “Not long after that, disaster struck. It happened quickly. There was a fire in the middle of the night. No one knows for sure how it started, but it wasn't believed to be anything other than an accident. Well...the whole house went up in a matter of minutes. No one survived.”
They all sit in silence for a few moments, Kazuya and Jin both stunned and shaken by the revelation. Jin rests his elbows on the table and tangles his fingers on both hands in his hair, his expression blank and his face ashen as he stares unseeing at the documents before him. Ko's hand finds his forearm, and, in a quiet voice, he says, “I'm sorry for your loss,” as though it happened yesterday instead of more than fifty years prior. When Jin fails to respond, he turns to Kazuya. “The property's still there if you'd like to take a look at it. It's part of a shrine now, so it hasn't been touched. Just follow the highway west out of town and make a right when you come to the canal. You'll run right into it.”
In a shaky voice, Kazuya bows his head and answers, “We-We'll do that. Thank you.” He runs a hand across Jin's shoulderblades as he stands up, and, as though prompted by the touch, Jin rises as well.
Kazuya intends to bow low at the waist when they go to thank Ko for his time and assistance, but the sight of Jin dropping to his knees and lowering both his head and his hands to the floor makes him do the same. “Thank you,” he says again on Jin's behalf, because he's not entirely sure the other can speak at the moment. “Your time has been invaluable. You've been of such great help to us, I don't know if I can put it into words.”
Ko says nothing in response to Kazuya's expression of gratitude, just shows them the lowest bow his crippled back will allow him to perform. “You boys take care of each other.”
Kazuya feels no shame in wrapping his arm around Jin's waist when they pick themselves up off the floor and turn to leave.
They follow Ko's directions exactly, and they're lucky enough to stumble across a small onsen ryokan nestled away between the buildings on the outskirts of town. Jin says little the whole time they check in and go up to their room to drop off their bags, only answering when prompted (“Can you sign for the room so they know one of us is of age?” “Sure.” “Which futon do you want?” “Doesn't matter.” “Do you have your key?” “Yes, mother.” “Want to go spy on the girls in the bath?” “What? Kazuya!” “Just making sure you were paying attention.”) and when they set off again, Kazuya stops trying to force him, understanding he's distraught from how he keeps his head bowed the entire time they go along. When he reaches for and squeezes his hand, Jin squeezes back even tighter.
They walk silently along the side of the road, watching houses give way to rice paddies that run all the way up to the bases of the mountains off in the distance on either side of them. Not used to the warmer climate after an unusually cold winter, sweat starts to prickle at the backs of their necks, and Kazuya wishes they'd brought their bags with them when he remembers he'd stashed a bottle of water in the side pocket, but then they come to a narrow, man-made canal with an even narrower concrete footpath running alongside it, and he's glad to be free of the excess weight after all.
They both pause to look at it, somehow doubting it's the way to a shrine, but in the end they descend the ladder from the bridge to the canal, anyway, thinking they haven't got anything to lose and Ko doesn't seem like the kind of person who would steer them wrong. It's extremely slow-going, as the footpath isn't perfectly level, and one wrong step could send them arms flailing into either a paddy or the canal itself.
Eventually they reach a point where the canal gives way to a river that seems to run straight out of the mountains. Helping each other to shore, they walk up the bank, looking for any sign that this is where they're supposed to be. It takes them a while to find it, but it's there-a patch of bright red amongst the green trees high up on the slope above them denotes a shrine gate.
Pressing the heels of his palms to his forehead, Jin all but shrieks, “We need to go all the way up there? How?!”
Kazuya doesn't answer, already looking for a sign or a staircase-something, anything to point out a way. After a while, Jin joins in, but even after they scour every inch of the bank, they come up with nothing. Jin slumps to the grass in defeat, and a moment later, after taking one good, hard look around, Kazuya joins him. “You don't think he'd actually give us the wrong information, do you?” he asks, worry lines starting to appear around his forehead and mouth.
Jin shrugs. “It's hard to say. He seemed like a really nice guy, though. Maybe he made a mistake?”
“Could be.” Kazuya lays down to stare up at the blue sky and listen to the sound of the river as it rushes past them. “Or we're the ones who made the mistake. Assuming his directions were right, we're exactly where we're supposed to be. We must be missing something.” It's when he tilts his head a little to look at Jin that he notices something peculiar about the clearing they're laying in. “Wait a second.”
He can feel Jin's curious stare on him as he hurries to sit up and starts clawing at some of the tall grass growing around them. “Jin, c'mere and look at this.”
Jin gives him a look that clearly asks what he's supposed to be looking at besides Kazuya hating on nature until he sees it. “Oh.”
“'Oh' is right.” A few more sweeps of Kazuya's hands through the brush reveal a gentle slope of the earth into a perfectly shaped basin that clearly wasn't made by nature. Rather, it looks as though nature's spent the last sixty or so years turning the rice paddy they're sitting in wild, to the point where they hadn't even noticed it until Kazuya had laid down and seen the clearing from a different angle. “You don't think...?”
He looks at Jin, hope wide in his eyes, and Jin suddenly understands what he's getting at. “Ko did say it had burnt to the ground...”
They both get up and take another look. Walking around the area, they map out the perimeter of a single large rice paddy that may have at one point been four, and to their surprise, it takes up less than half of the clearing. Kazuya regards the other half thoughtfully. “Could that have been...?”
“The house.” Jin runs over to it, and Kazuya quickly follows. Now that they know what they're looking for, it's easy to spot the faint outline of stone that marks the foundation hidden beneath a thin layer of grass, dirt, and moss that had grown over it.
Kazuya's hand on Jin's shoulder, they walk the perimeter together, and then the interior, guessing where doors, rooms, and windows might have been. When they're in what Jin declares to be the kitchen (“And on the floor above it, the master suite,” he adds), Kazuya wraps his arms tightly around his waist and pulls him into a deep kiss. When they separate, he says, “You found it, Jin.”
Jin beams and returns the embrace, resting his forehead against Kazuya's. “I have land. Out in the middle of nowhere, sure, but still...I have land.”
Following a peck to Jin's lips, Kazuya raises his arms to Jin's shoulders so he can give him a proper hug. “I'm just sorry there isn't more for you to see. A full, standing house, or...” A living relative, he means to say.
Jin hums and presses a kiss to Kazuya's hair. “It's sad, but... Wait.”
“Hm?” Kazuya blinks in confusion when Jin seems to trail off. “Something wrong?”
“No, I...” But whatever it is Jin wants to say, he can't get it out, and instead of trying, he takes Kazuya by the hand and starts leading him towards the trees.
It's not until he sees where Jin's taking him that he understands why. Perfectly even with where they decided the back door would have been, there's a gentle, but definitely unnatural indentation to the slope of the ground that seems to lead straight up into the mountains. There's no marker pointing it out or any construction to denote that it's a path, but that's exactly what it is. As they climb, Kazuya can just make out among the plant life threatening to erase it where Jin's family members had at one time trodden on the earth to make this little walkway. For what purpose, though?
The answer draws a gasp from his throat, and he hurries to stand at Jin's side. A cemetery. And not only that, but above them, flowering tree branches weave a canopy of pale pink sakura and some scarlet blossom that Kazuya's never seen the likes of before. “So that's where the 'red' in 'Akanishi' comes from,” he says weakly, completely in awe of their surroundings.
Jin, though, is much more interested in the monuments. Kazuya doesn't notice he's moved from his side until he sees him trace his fingers over the inscription on one of them, and then he hurries to join him again. Silently, he regards the grave Jin's looking at, realizing it bears the same birth date and kanji as the birth certificate Jin had shown him. The document hadn't listed a death date, but the monument does. “Akanishi Hitoshi,” he reads, “born January 27th in the 38th year of Meiji, died June 16th, 26th year of Showa.”
“Great-Grandpa Hitoshi,” Jin chokes.
A brief glance at the surrounding graves reveals the same death date on all of them. “The day of the fire,” Kazuya murmurs.
Jin sniffs, drawing his forearm to his eyes to hide his tears. “I-I should pray,” he says. “I should pray, but...I don't really...I-I'm not sure how.”
Kazuya grips his arm tightly and pulls him down with him as he gets to his knees, demonstrating how to fold his hands and bow his head in prayer. With trembling hands, Jin tries to copy his movements, but after a few moments, his shoulders shake with sobs, and he can't hold the position. Kazuya straightens to hold him, pulling him as close to his own body as he can to try and comfort him as he mourns for his family. He drops kisses to the crown of Jin's head and rubs his back, but it seems rather pointless as he can't hold back his own tears at the thought of Jin grieving for relatives who entered his life for only this one, brief moment-a time seemingly even more fleeting than when the sakura above their heads will soon fall from the trees to cover the graves like a blanket.
It's in that moment, sitting there holding Jin, letting his tears soak the shoulder of his shirt, that Kazuya realizes what he feels for Jin are the pangs of first love. It's not just sympathy, though there's certainly plenty of that, too. It's more a jumble of feelings-care, affection, happiness, longing, and a few others he doesn't think he can give names to. Together, they make him feel like he can't say he's ever felt before, where seeing Jin hurting like this makes him himself ache, too. It makes him wish he had the power to take away all of his sorrow so he'd never have to suffer again. He wants to keep Jin in Japan with him as long as possible, far longer than the one-year term that's been allocated, to show him every aspect of the cultural experience he's desired but been denied of his whole life. With a silent vow to protect Jin from whatever hardship comes their way, he sits there with him for as long as the other feels he needs, conveying as much wordless feeling and comfort as he can until Jin starts to calm down.
Even after Jin's tears finally cease, neither of them say anything for a long time, content to sit together in this tragic, but still special and certainly beautiful place, Kazuya's fingers trailing through Jin's hair where his head rests on his shoulder. Although he has an admission of his feelings on the tip of his tongue, after a long while, Kazuya manages to swallow it down so he can say instead, “I'm sure your ancestors are really happy you're here.”
Jin shifts a little against him, and when he speaks, his voice gets muffled in part by the skin at Kazuya's neck. “And to think my relatives at home probably don't know about any of this.”
“That's their loss,” Kazuya says sternly, not at all pleased that circumstances beyond Jin's control within his own family made it that he had to find out about his extended relatives this way. “You did a really good thing, Jin. You're making things right by you, which I think is really admirable.”
A soft smile curls at Jin's lips then, and Kazuya swears he can feel some of the tension leave Jin's body as he lets out a deep sigh. Turning in his arms, Jin says, “Thank you so much, Kazuya, for making all of this possible. I really couldn't have done it without you.”
“Anything for you,” Kazuya says, a bit more tenderly than he means for it to come out, before cupping Jin's jaw and pulling him into a kiss.
When they get back to the ryokan, they go for a long, hot soak in the onsen to unwind from their trying day before changing into yukata and getting ready for bed. They don't say much as they go through the motions, but it's not a situation where much needs to be said. A lot has happened over the course of the day, and because they went through all of it together, it feels as though they've reached a new, unspoken level of understanding with each other when, without prompting, they climb into the same futon and hold each other close as they fall asleep.
16. The Beatles--I'm So Tired
After such a long, exhausting day, the last thing Kazuya expects is to find himself awake in the middle of the night, but that's exactly what happens when a dream drags him back into consciousness uncomfortably warm, panting, and hard in his boxers. Unclenching one of his hands from the covers, he wipes it across his sweaty forehead in a vain attempt to calm down. He's of course dreamt vividly, intensely, passionately like that before, but somehow he knows this is different. He thought he knew what sexual desire felt like, but never has his want or, dare he say it, need to touch and be touched felt so strong or been so focused on a specific person before. Rolling on his side to look at the broad lines of Jin's shoulders in the dark, Kazuya knows that he wants for them to share that experience together, more than he's ever thought he's wanted it with anyone else (which would make sense, considering he still has yet to take that step with anyone). But this he's sure of. He feels ready. He doesn't even care if it's particularly good so long as he gets to feel Jin and see the same feelings reflected in Jin's eyes looking down at him.
The setting is certainly encouraging. Knowing that by just moving over a few inches, he could kiss Jin awake, press himself against him, and ask for it like he had in his dream makes him shiver and only adds to the discomfort he feels down below, but it also spurs him on. Hidden away together hundreds of miles from his parents and his younger brother, they could have complete privacy and let their cries of passion for each other spill freely from their lips.
He has half a mind to do it--to let his hormones guide him and take that first step, and he's trying to work up enough courage to take the plunge when Jin suddenly rolls onto his back. At first Kazuya looks at Jin from this new angle with desire, taking in the exposed parts of his shoulder and collarbone where the collar of his shirt falls away from his neck, as well as the teasing trail of dark hair disappearing beneath the waistband of his briefs, but he stops abruptly when he catches a glimpse of his sleeping face. While the tear tracks have long since faded from Jin's cheeks, and he looks more at peace now than he has in a long time, Kazuya remembers what he'd looked like in the cemetery earlier that day, his eyes red and puffy and the rest of his face a mess as he'd cried his heart out, and suddenly he feels sick with himself for even considering what he was going to try and do.
Yes, he knows now that he wants Jin to be his first, and now had seemed like the perfect opportunity to tell him that, but...it would be unfair and downright cruel to drop that on Jin after he's had such an emotionally charged day. Suddenly, at the same time that he's hard and desperate for Jin's touch, he wants nothing more than to hold him in his arms, keeping him safe and comfortable until morning comes and they can take on whatever the next day has in store for them together. His feelings are at war.
It's amazing how two such powerful emotions, distinct and yet interwoven with each other, can play such a vicious game of tug-of-war on his psyche. The longer Kazuya lays there in the darkness looking at Jin, the more he feels the push and pull of his conflicting desires. With every inhale, he wants to draw closer, curling around Jin's body the best he can to hold them tightly together, but then he exhales and feels the raw physical attraction again, which yanks at his conscience and makes him draw back.
The battle is decisive, if hard-won.
It's easier to curl up to Jin after sneaking out of bed and hobbling into the bathroom to find relief in his own hand, but even as his heart thunders happily in his chest when Jin turns towards his embrace and murmurs his name in his sleep, Kazuya remains aware of the low thrum of desire still present within him. He's placated it for now, but he's sure it's never been so insistent before. Even with Jin's head tucked comfortably beneath his chin and their fingers entwined, it's hard for Kazuya to fall back asleep when he's forced to consider how much this trip has changed him already, and there's still another day to go.
They're due back in Tokyo by the following evening, but the skinkansen they need to catch doesn't leave Fukuoka until 2:00, so there's time for Jin and Kazuya to pay one more visit to Jin's family before they have to check out of the ryokan and start making their way back.
The dilemma that had woken Kazuya up in the middle of the night haunts him for a while in the morning, but it's easy to forget about when Jin pulls him into a stationery shop on the way out of town, announcing he'd like to write a letter to his ancestors in Japanese. While Jin browses the wide selection of traditional paper and envelopes, Kazuya purchases a blank pocket diary.
As Jin settles himself in the middle of the dry rice paddy to write his letter, Kazuya walks up and down the riverbank picking every wildflower he can find, either to make a bouquet to lay at the graves of those who lost their lives in the fire or to press them into the pages of the diary.
Their last trip to the cemetery is solemn, but they don't shed any more tears. They've gotten their sadness out, and now they're here to pay their respects one last time, remember, and move on. Kazuya collects the first blossoms starting to fall and preserves them in the diary while Jin slips the envelope, addressed to his great-grandfather with just the kanji their first names share, beneath the black marble base of the grave, and then they both kneel to pray.
As they take one last look at the property before they have to follow the canal back to civilization, Kazuya tries to casually slip the diary full of flowers into Jin's pocket, except that there's no real way to give a gift like that casually, so he gets a watery smile and a hug from Jin when he opens it and sees what it is.
“Kazuya, thank you, I...” Not knowing exactly what he wants to say, he just gives Kazuya a look, and the emotion conveyed in his eyes is enough to make Kazuya want to melt on the spot.
When he takes Jin's hand and squeezes it, it feels like his heart already is. “Ready to go back?”
Jin lets out a long, deep breath. “Yeah. Let's go.”
Part 6