Lj Idol Week 17: The Caged Bird
All of my life I’ve struggled. Struggled to be myself. To be free. To truly fly.
I’ve felt trapped for a long time. Trapped by my religious upbringing. Trapped by hurtful words that people use as weapons. Trapped by my own fear.
I don’t have many fears, so when I am afraid of something I’m afraid of it big time! I’m a perfectionist, so I’m afraid of failure. And I’m afraid of heights. After experiencing the worst year of my life, I’ve learned to let go a bit. To get messy, in a good way.
I did a show last year for Mondohomo (an indie-queer festival in downtown Atlanta during memorial day weekend at the Eyedrum gallery) and that got the ball rolling in my fear fight. I opened the show on a swing. It was a friends idea that I thought wouldn’t actually happen. That’s probably why I asked them if they could get the swing for me, I figured they wouldn’t be able to… They did!
The swing was only 3 or 4 feet in the air, but it also entailed me swinging out into the audience with a much higher drop. I practiced with that swing for the longest time. So scared. So excited. I have gotten better over the years. In the past I would just freeze and refuse to go on. But this time I knew it was important not to cheese out on my performance. It was about the art! This was bigger than me right?!?
When I opened the show I was shaking (apparently you couldn’t tell from the audience). After a bit I just let go and soared through the audience. Hearing the oohs and the aahs from the crowd was amazing. That is really what I need to do more of. To just let go.
I was watching the grammy awards this year, and P!nk was performing. She was suspended in the air extremely high and singing. Part of me was excited and the other part was afraid. I pictured myself up there and wanted to puke. I just said “Never in a million years!” Now I say "why not?" Why not try it? What the hell do I have to lose? (Well, other than falling to my death. Just that!)
Once, after hearing me singing at my old job, someone hold told me that I should be on "American Idol". I just said thank you. This is my failure fear. It goes back to growing up, when I was told that I couldn’t sing and I needed to give up on that. I sing all the time. I do karaoke. Sing in the shower. The car. Sing on the street and in the stores. I've had lots of praise, but I still hear those voices. I still,deep inside, believe those voices.
It’s amazing, however, what happens to you when your entire life is turned upside-down. Your whole way of thinking is forever changed. I’m not really as scared anymore.
One of the worst things is realizing that you’re in this cage not only cause of others, but because of yourself as well. Letting everything get to me, and letting the fear take over, it only hinders you.
Because I let it get to me, I really haven’t tried as much as I could. I became the king of half finished everything. I will be the first to admit it, I don’t finish what I start. That frustrates me a lot.
I have the worst case of creative ADD! When you write, sing, paint, make music, take pictures, etc., it’s hard to focus on just one thing. I start a painting and go “Wait! I have this song I have to write!” Then I start that song and get an idea for a story, or a book, or another song, or a painting. There is this part inside my brain that lets all the negativity get to me. It’s that “why bother” portion. The naughty little voice that tries to stop you from realizing your dreams.
It seems like no matter how many times someone likes anything creative that I do, I am in a state of disbelief. It’s not that I think they are lying to me, it’s more about me being my worst critic. Thinking everything I do isn’t good enough, and wondering why they like it.
I put myself in this cage. Afraid to really live. Afraid to step out of my comfort zone. Afraid to fly. I have decided that this year is the year where I step outside of myself. The year where I leave my fears behind. Forget sticking my toe over the line, I'm going to jump over it! I have no interest in playing it safe anymore. I want to be high in the air... literally! With a harness though. If I’m confronting a fear I at least want to know I’m not going to die in combat! I want to look fear in the eyes and laugh. Then perhaps do a jaunty little jig!
I’ve always been one who is fascinated with masks. Wear this mask for this person. This one for that person. Stay safe. Stay in my own prison. What is safe anyway? A tool used to hold people back. Something to help destroy the human spirit. When they say “safe” I think they just mean “normal”. I never intend on being normal. It’s only been recently that I’ve decided to take off the masks and show myself to the world, for better or for worse.
There has always been someone trying to keep me down. Whether it’s someone telling me that all my hopes are pipe dreams. That I have no talent. I cannot sing. I need to go to school and get a “real” job. Give up on your dreams and become grounded. What’s wrong with flying?
The one sure way to get me to do anything is to either say “no” or “can’t”, guarantied I’ll do it… and blow everyone away in the process.
I’m still afraid of doing a lot of these things, but I have to do them. I suppose that’s what separates me from the rest of them. I may have fear but I use it to motivate me. I use it as fuel to my fire. I intend to go as far as I possibly can. Use my voice. Stand up. Be original. To leave this cage and fly as high as I can.
and here is the link to vote for my entry...
community.livejournal.com/therealljidol/314554.html
-N
I’ve felt trapped for a long time. Trapped by my religious upbringing. Trapped by hurtful words that people use as weapons. Trapped by my own fear.
I don’t have many fears, so when I am afraid of something I’m afraid of it big time! I’m a perfectionist, so I’m afraid of failure. And I’m afraid of heights. After experiencing the worst year of my life, I’ve learned to let go a bit. To get messy, in a good way.
I did a show last year for Mondohomo (an indie-queer festival in downtown Atlanta during memorial day weekend at the Eyedrum gallery) and that got the ball rolling in my fear fight. I opened the show on a swing. It was a friends idea that I thought wouldn’t actually happen. That’s probably why I asked them if they could get the swing for me, I figured they wouldn’t be able to… They did!
The swing was only 3 or 4 feet in the air, but it also entailed me swinging out into the audience with a much higher drop. I practiced with that swing for the longest time. So scared. So excited. I have gotten better over the years. In the past I would just freeze and refuse to go on. But this time I knew it was important not to cheese out on my performance. It was about the art! This was bigger than me right?!?
When I opened the show I was shaking (apparently you couldn’t tell from the audience). After a bit I just let go and soared through the audience. Hearing the oohs and the aahs from the crowd was amazing. That is really what I need to do more of. To just let go.
I was watching the grammy awards this year, and P!nk was performing. She was suspended in the air extremely high and singing. Part of me was excited and the other part was afraid. I pictured myself up there and wanted to puke. I just said “Never in a million years!” Now I say "why not?" Why not try it? What the hell do I have to lose? (Well, other than falling to my death. Just that!)
Once, after hearing me singing at my old job, someone hold told me that I should be on "American Idol". I just said thank you. This is my failure fear. It goes back to growing up, when I was told that I couldn’t sing and I needed to give up on that. I sing all the time. I do karaoke. Sing in the shower. The car. Sing on the street and in the stores. I've had lots of praise, but I still hear those voices. I still,deep inside, believe those voices.
It’s amazing, however, what happens to you when your entire life is turned upside-down. Your whole way of thinking is forever changed. I’m not really as scared anymore.
One of the worst things is realizing that you’re in this cage not only cause of others, but because of yourself as well. Letting everything get to me, and letting the fear take over, it only hinders you.
Because I let it get to me, I really haven’t tried as much as I could. I became the king of half finished everything. I will be the first to admit it, I don’t finish what I start. That frustrates me a lot.
I have the worst case of creative ADD! When you write, sing, paint, make music, take pictures, etc., it’s hard to focus on just one thing. I start a painting and go “Wait! I have this song I have to write!” Then I start that song and get an idea for a story, or a book, or another song, or a painting. There is this part inside my brain that lets all the negativity get to me. It’s that “why bother” portion. The naughty little voice that tries to stop you from realizing your dreams.
It seems like no matter how many times someone likes anything creative that I do, I am in a state of disbelief. It’s not that I think they are lying to me, it’s more about me being my worst critic. Thinking everything I do isn’t good enough, and wondering why they like it.
I put myself in this cage. Afraid to really live. Afraid to step out of my comfort zone. Afraid to fly. I have decided that this year is the year where I step outside of myself. The year where I leave my fears behind. Forget sticking my toe over the line, I'm going to jump over it! I have no interest in playing it safe anymore. I want to be high in the air... literally! With a harness though. If I’m confronting a fear I at least want to know I’m not going to die in combat! I want to look fear in the eyes and laugh. Then perhaps do a jaunty little jig!
I’ve always been one who is fascinated with masks. Wear this mask for this person. This one for that person. Stay safe. Stay in my own prison. What is safe anyway? A tool used to hold people back. Something to help destroy the human spirit. When they say “safe” I think they just mean “normal”. I never intend on being normal. It’s only been recently that I’ve decided to take off the masks and show myself to the world, for better or for worse.
There has always been someone trying to keep me down. Whether it’s someone telling me that all my hopes are pipe dreams. That I have no talent. I cannot sing. I need to go to school and get a “real” job. Give up on your dreams and become grounded. What’s wrong with flying?
The one sure way to get me to do anything is to either say “no” or “can’t”, guarantied I’ll do it… and blow everyone away in the process.
I’m still afraid of doing a lot of these things, but I have to do them. I suppose that’s what separates me from the rest of them. I may have fear but I use it to motivate me. I use it as fuel to my fire. I intend to go as far as I possibly can. Use my voice. Stand up. Be original. To leave this cage and fly as high as I can.
and here is the link to vote for my entry...
community.livejournal.com/therealljidol/314554.html
-N