Who I was and am ...

[bonoboboy]

I've been thinking a lot lately about my struggles with depression. I recently looked back a few years in my journal and can see just how much I was struggling, even then. I think I've been having issues in this area for a very long time, long enough that I think my brain probably thinks that being depressed is something of a normal state of being

Comments

[bonoboboy]

nom nom nom nom ... you and me both, sistah! Gotta love how society (and fam?) taught us the only way to make ourselves feel better is to do something that could easily become destructive if that's the only way you can make yourself feel better.

Now I'm craving steak ...

I should look into meeting spite some day, though I'm worried we may become too friendly and just start spiting people before they deserve it. =oP

[bonoboboy]

Thanks ... it makes a lot of sense in this instance because I often feel like I'm barely treading water with all the negative events that seem to bombard me. It sometimes seems pointless to do anything positive; somehow, it always gets broken.

[joekickass]

Sure, someone might be generous, but as soon as you cross them the first thing they do is make you feel guilty for having done you any favours.

UGH, I know JUST what you mean. =\

[ozgryph]

I can sort of understand where you're coming from. I only know bits and pieces of your childhood, but I also remember you as being a vivacious and funny person...so something must have been good.

I DO think you're important, cut I think the trick here is for you to believe that yourself.

If there's anything I can do to help please let me know, even if it's just chatting on MSN or AIM. I count you as a lovely friend, and it makes me sad when you are feeling down.

[guardian1]

I'm with you, Clay. You've reminded me of the great song from
"Sound of Music":

Nothing comes from nothing
Nothing ever could
Somewhere in my youth and childhood
I must have done something good

Jeff is a bautiful human being. You know this from your net relationship with him. I know it from meeting him in person. Now
if only we could convince him of this. Hey, I know: You and Ad come to the USofA by way of Canada and you'll see what I'm talking
about :)
ed

[bonoboboy]

Thanks, Clay. And you're right, I'm not going to be 'important' unless I start thinking of myself as such. I think I flinch from it because in my mistaken mind, looking out for yourself is somehow selfish. I think that's a result of being caught in the wake of selfish people who were unfortunately a big part of my life.

[anarchomo]

Some stuff that might be helpful from a former clinical psych grad student:

As far as pushing people away goes, I think what I'm really doing is almost an unconscious test of sorts. It's like I push people away to get a feel for how much they really do like me, a test of whether or not they're going to eventually reject me for X, Y, or Z. Because it's a lot easier to push people away than to trust in people and end up getting hurt by them. A self defense mechanism of sorts, perhaps, though possibly a faulty one. I do that with a number of things, I think.If you're therapist-shopping, object relations therapists are all about this kind of trust vs. mistrust stuff and the patterns it gets us into. These patterns seem to start really young

[bonoboboy]

Thank you so much for all the info! It's hard to find resources that compare them as you did. I've been through a few years of psychotherapy, but it was relational psychotherapy and not exactly what I needed for the issues I have

[animator]

Birthday greetings. If you're having a drink the salutation is bottoms up.