Happy Holidays, doctorv!
Title: Just Beachy
For: doctorv
Author: demon_faith
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Max is the remaining speck of sanity in a crazy, mixed-up world.
Notes: Super Buddies era with added Ice. For DocV - I hope this is what you're looking for.
"Life is good," Max said, leaning back in the lounger and taking the proffered cocktail, surveying his territory. He could get used to this.
"Indeed, Your Lecherousness."
Max shot him a look. "What? She's just playing with those adorable little puppy dogs for the nice photographer man. What's wrong with that?"
L-Ron sighed, and moved aside for the rampage that was Bea. Another fine specimen in the latest (budget) beachwear.
"She's allowed to roll around the beach in a bikini, but I can't make money from my website! Where's the justice in that?"
"Bea, honey, relax. It's some harmless publicity - look at the little dogs!"
However, Bea was not a woman to be mollified by dogs.
"Right, that's it, Max - suck on that!"
She threw a magazine in his lap and stormed off. He squinted at it through his sunglasses.
"What the…?"
L-Ron peered over his shoulder. "'Double Page Insert - Too Hot To Handle!!!'"
He scrabbled for the right page and stared. "No, no, she can't do this to me…"
"Max, oh Max! Thank you for letting me play with the puppies! Aren't they the cutest?"
And suddenly there was a Labrador puppy in his arms, licking his face. And a flash went off.
"Seize that camera!" he shouted, but the damage was done. The puppy leapt back into Mary's arms and the photographer took another picture of his enraged face before sauntering off for more Superbuddies beach shots.
"Tell me Booster's oiled up," he said miserably. "Please."
"Last seen frolicking in the sea, Your Homoeroticness."
Max glared again and cautiously raised his eyes to where Mary was waiting. "Yes?"
"Can I keep him?"
"Oh no…"
"I'll feed him and take him for walks, and Bea said he could sleep in your office!"
"I bet she did," he muttered darkly, but Mary had already taken that for a 'yes' and was hugging him, her cleavage pressed against his cheek. The puppy licked him.
"Thank you, thank you!" she said, before running off to see Tora, leaving Max feeling particularly dazed.
"Did I just agree to a puppy?" he said, looking at L-Ron in confusion.
"A pet is always a good addition to a team, Your Caninophilianess."
Abruptly, there was loud noise from across the beach, followed by shouting and a groan of pain.
"Guy! Are you all right?"
Max stood bolt upright. "What is Guy Gardner doing here?"
"I believe Ice brought him, O Irate Leader."
They ventured across the sand to where Guy was lying on the ground, clutching his head and moaning as Tora fussed over him.
"I didn't hit him that hard," Captain Atom said awkwardly, turning the Frisbee over in his hands.
"Where am I? Oh, Tora, it's lovely to see you." Guy blushed and shyly accepted Tora's help to stand.
Max looked at L-Ron in horror. "Guy? How are you feeling?"
He grinned. "Never better! Except for this little bump on my head, courtesy of my buddy here." He clapped a hand on the shoulder of a bemused Atom, before jumping away and pointing. "You're it!"
Grabbing Tora's hand, he pelted down the beach, Atom staring after him.
"You're meant to chase him," Mary said helpfully, and Atom nodded dumbly, before jogging off down the beach.
"L-Ron, keep them out of trouble," Max said weakly, heading back to his lounger for a rest. Couldn’t they act like normal people for five minutes?
Sue entered his eyeline and he turned on a megawatt smile. "Sue, my blossoming flower, how are you today?"
"Parents magazine! If you have an explanation, Max, it had better be good!"
"It's just a little interview, Sue. You'll be fine."
"And why would I need to give them an interview, Max?" she said, giving him the Glare of Death. He ignored it like the smooth operator he was.
"Think of Ralph - he'll be so proud! And little Ralphina, well, there's no better-"
Later, he couldn't exactly say how he'd ended up on the ground, but his jaw stung and he couldn't quite see straight. He put it down to a freak jellyfish attack.
"Max? Are you all right?"
"I meant Ralphetta…" he said, woozily. "Booster? You're meant to be frolicking."
The man helped him back to his lounger, coating his best shirt in baby oil and not even looking remotely apologetic about it. Max picked up his cocktail before turning to Booster once more. In fact, he looked like he was…afraid. Oh no…
"Break it to me gently," he said weakly.
Booster took a deep breath. "Max, I'm getting a divorce."
Max dropped the cocktail. "A divorce? Do you know what that will do to my- your approval ratings? We were just getting the Christian Right to stay on the line for twenty seconds, and you go and-"
"I'm moving in with Ted."
Max fainted.
~
"But he has a heart condition," he muttered and his hair stopped moving.
"Your Unconsciousness?"
Max cracked open one bleary eye. "Tell me it was all a dream."
The puppy yelped.
Max closed his eye and sighed.
"Will he be all right? Billy says that when someone bumps their head, you should kiss it better."
Max sat up. Bea snorted.
"Come on, Mary, I think our tycoon tyrant is fine."
Beetle was sitting opposite him under a large beach umbrella, sipping some lemonade. Booster was standing over him like a defiant lifeguard - there was definitely a publicity shot in that. Where had that photographer got to?
"I think you took it rather well," Booster said cheerfully.
"You do realise," Max began slowly, "that you're divorcing a multi-millionaire for a chubby, aging Z-list superhero with a heart condition?"
"He does not have a heart condition!"
"HEY!"
"Ted, lie down and rest. You're…delicate."
Beetle rolled his eyes, but did as he was told, closing his eyes. Booster gave him this ridiculously loving look, reminiscent of a Harlequin romance cover, before returning his attention to Max.
"I thought you two were fighting," Max said desperately and Booster blushed violently.
"Turns out that's just foreplay," he mumbled and Max covered his ears, singing at the top of his lungs.
"LA-LA-LA-CAN'T-HEAR-YOU-"
L-Ron tapped him on the head.
"Ow! What was that for?"
"You're scaring the children, Your Obnoxiousness."
Max blinked at him. "We have children?"
L-Ron looked hurt. "As you know, Your Bluntness, I cannot hope to bear your offspring. However, you, O Glorified Leader, brought the children from the orphanage for pictures with the team. Tora is with them now. There was a baby seal somewhere, but it appears to have disappeared."
Max looked at him strangely before turning back to Booster and Beetle.
"And what exactly do you see in him?" he asked Beetle incredulously. The man simply continued to smile, glancing up at Booster.
"He tries…he's always tried. And he wouldn't leave me. I couldn't ignore that anymore."
Max stared. "But he has the IQ of a slug!"
"HEY!"
Max held up a hand. "I apologise - that was unfair on the slug."
Booster put his hand on his hip and stabbed a finger into Max's chest. "Look, has it ever occurred to you that I might have a perfectly good reason for being an idiot? I don't know, maybe my future self told me to do it for the great good or something!"
Beetle rolled his eyes. "That's far-fetched even for you, Booster."
Booster sighed. "Yeah, I know. But it was worth a shot."
Something suddenly clicked in Max's head and a grin formed on his lips.
"Oh no," Beetle said quickly. "Whatever just entered your head is a very bad idea and must be quashed. Immediately."
"I'm thinking Out, or maybe Instinct-"
Beetle was off the lounger now. "Oh no, stop right there, Max. We are not for sale."
Max rolled his eyes. "Your boytoy married a millionaire. You did Kooey Kooey Kooey for the kicks? Please, boys, don't insult me. Everyone has a price."
"Booster, tell him we are not doing this. Booster!"
"How much are we talking?" he said thoughtfully and Beetle put his head in his hands.
Max grinned. "Oh, a grand here, a grand there. With a cut for your agent, naturally."
Beetle leaned very close to Booster and whispered something in his ear. Booster's jaw dropped and he turned to Beetle with a look of horror.
"You wouldn't!"
"Just try me, Booster."
Booster gulped and smiled at Max sheepishly. "Yeah, no, sorry. Ted and I have to…go somewhere now."
Then, with a hand on Beetle's back, he pushed him back towards the beach huts, muttering something about how sorry he was and how he'd put the costume on-
Max clutched at his ears but it was too late. He sank back on the lounger and threw a hand across his forehead.
"L-Ron, I need a drink."
"Sex on the Beach, O Beetroot Leader?"
With a groan, Max buried himself under the beach towel. "I quit."
For: doctorv
Author: demon_faith
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Max is the remaining speck of sanity in a crazy, mixed-up world.
Notes: Super Buddies era with added Ice. For DocV - I hope this is what you're looking for.
"Life is good," Max said, leaning back in the lounger and taking the proffered cocktail, surveying his territory. He could get used to this.
"Indeed, Your Lecherousness."
Max shot him a look. "What? She's just playing with those adorable little puppy dogs for the nice photographer man. What's wrong with that?"
L-Ron sighed, and moved aside for the rampage that was Bea. Another fine specimen in the latest (budget) beachwear.
"She's allowed to roll around the beach in a bikini, but I can't make money from my website! Where's the justice in that?"
"Bea, honey, relax. It's some harmless publicity - look at the little dogs!"
However, Bea was not a woman to be mollified by dogs.
"Right, that's it, Max - suck on that!"
She threw a magazine in his lap and stormed off. He squinted at it through his sunglasses.
"What the…?"
L-Ron peered over his shoulder. "'Double Page Insert - Too Hot To Handle!!!'"
He scrabbled for the right page and stared. "No, no, she can't do this to me…"
"Max, oh Max! Thank you for letting me play with the puppies! Aren't they the cutest?"
And suddenly there was a Labrador puppy in his arms, licking his face. And a flash went off.
"Seize that camera!" he shouted, but the damage was done. The puppy leapt back into Mary's arms and the photographer took another picture of his enraged face before sauntering off for more Superbuddies beach shots.
"Tell me Booster's oiled up," he said miserably. "Please."
"Last seen frolicking in the sea, Your Homoeroticness."
Max glared again and cautiously raised his eyes to where Mary was waiting. "Yes?"
"Can I keep him?"
"Oh no…"
"I'll feed him and take him for walks, and Bea said he could sleep in your office!"
"I bet she did," he muttered darkly, but Mary had already taken that for a 'yes' and was hugging him, her cleavage pressed against his cheek. The puppy licked him.
"Thank you, thank you!" she said, before running off to see Tora, leaving Max feeling particularly dazed.
"Did I just agree to a puppy?" he said, looking at L-Ron in confusion.
"A pet is always a good addition to a team, Your Caninophilianess."
Abruptly, there was loud noise from across the beach, followed by shouting and a groan of pain.
"Guy! Are you all right?"
Max stood bolt upright. "What is Guy Gardner doing here?"
"I believe Ice brought him, O Irate Leader."
They ventured across the sand to where Guy was lying on the ground, clutching his head and moaning as Tora fussed over him.
"I didn't hit him that hard," Captain Atom said awkwardly, turning the Frisbee over in his hands.
"Where am I? Oh, Tora, it's lovely to see you." Guy blushed and shyly accepted Tora's help to stand.
Max looked at L-Ron in horror. "Guy? How are you feeling?"
He grinned. "Never better! Except for this little bump on my head, courtesy of my buddy here." He clapped a hand on the shoulder of a bemused Atom, before jumping away and pointing. "You're it!"
Grabbing Tora's hand, he pelted down the beach, Atom staring after him.
"You're meant to chase him," Mary said helpfully, and Atom nodded dumbly, before jogging off down the beach.
"L-Ron, keep them out of trouble," Max said weakly, heading back to his lounger for a rest. Couldn’t they act like normal people for five minutes?
Sue entered his eyeline and he turned on a megawatt smile. "Sue, my blossoming flower, how are you today?"
"Parents magazine! If you have an explanation, Max, it had better be good!"
"It's just a little interview, Sue. You'll be fine."
"And why would I need to give them an interview, Max?" she said, giving him the Glare of Death. He ignored it like the smooth operator he was.
"Think of Ralph - he'll be so proud! And little Ralphina, well, there's no better-"
Later, he couldn't exactly say how he'd ended up on the ground, but his jaw stung and he couldn't quite see straight. He put it down to a freak jellyfish attack.
"Max? Are you all right?"
"I meant Ralphetta…" he said, woozily. "Booster? You're meant to be frolicking."
The man helped him back to his lounger, coating his best shirt in baby oil and not even looking remotely apologetic about it. Max picked up his cocktail before turning to Booster once more. In fact, he looked like he was…afraid. Oh no…
"Break it to me gently," he said weakly.
Booster took a deep breath. "Max, I'm getting a divorce."
Max dropped the cocktail. "A divorce? Do you know what that will do to my- your approval ratings? We were just getting the Christian Right to stay on the line for twenty seconds, and you go and-"
"I'm moving in with Ted."
Max fainted.
~
"But he has a heart condition," he muttered and his hair stopped moving.
"Your Unconsciousness?"
Max cracked open one bleary eye. "Tell me it was all a dream."
The puppy yelped.
Max closed his eye and sighed.
"Will he be all right? Billy says that when someone bumps their head, you should kiss it better."
Max sat up. Bea snorted.
"Come on, Mary, I think our tycoon tyrant is fine."
Beetle was sitting opposite him under a large beach umbrella, sipping some lemonade. Booster was standing over him like a defiant lifeguard - there was definitely a publicity shot in that. Where had that photographer got to?
"I think you took it rather well," Booster said cheerfully.
"You do realise," Max began slowly, "that you're divorcing a multi-millionaire for a chubby, aging Z-list superhero with a heart condition?"
"He does not have a heart condition!"
"HEY!"
"Ted, lie down and rest. You're…delicate."
Beetle rolled his eyes, but did as he was told, closing his eyes. Booster gave him this ridiculously loving look, reminiscent of a Harlequin romance cover, before returning his attention to Max.
"I thought you two were fighting," Max said desperately and Booster blushed violently.
"Turns out that's just foreplay," he mumbled and Max covered his ears, singing at the top of his lungs.
"LA-LA-LA-CAN'T-HEAR-YOU-"
L-Ron tapped him on the head.
"Ow! What was that for?"
"You're scaring the children, Your Obnoxiousness."
Max blinked at him. "We have children?"
L-Ron looked hurt. "As you know, Your Bluntness, I cannot hope to bear your offspring. However, you, O Glorified Leader, brought the children from the orphanage for pictures with the team. Tora is with them now. There was a baby seal somewhere, but it appears to have disappeared."
Max looked at him strangely before turning back to Booster and Beetle.
"And what exactly do you see in him?" he asked Beetle incredulously. The man simply continued to smile, glancing up at Booster.
"He tries…he's always tried. And he wouldn't leave me. I couldn't ignore that anymore."
Max stared. "But he has the IQ of a slug!"
"HEY!"
Max held up a hand. "I apologise - that was unfair on the slug."
Booster put his hand on his hip and stabbed a finger into Max's chest. "Look, has it ever occurred to you that I might have a perfectly good reason for being an idiot? I don't know, maybe my future self told me to do it for the great good or something!"
Beetle rolled his eyes. "That's far-fetched even for you, Booster."
Booster sighed. "Yeah, I know. But it was worth a shot."
Something suddenly clicked in Max's head and a grin formed on his lips.
"Oh no," Beetle said quickly. "Whatever just entered your head is a very bad idea and must be quashed. Immediately."
"I'm thinking Out, or maybe Instinct-"
Beetle was off the lounger now. "Oh no, stop right there, Max. We are not for sale."
Max rolled his eyes. "Your boytoy married a millionaire. You did Kooey Kooey Kooey for the kicks? Please, boys, don't insult me. Everyone has a price."
"Booster, tell him we are not doing this. Booster!"
"How much are we talking?" he said thoughtfully and Beetle put his head in his hands.
Max grinned. "Oh, a grand here, a grand there. With a cut for your agent, naturally."
Beetle leaned very close to Booster and whispered something in his ear. Booster's jaw dropped and he turned to Beetle with a look of horror.
"You wouldn't!"
"Just try me, Booster."
Booster gulped and smiled at Max sheepishly. "Yeah, no, sorry. Ted and I have to…go somewhere now."
Then, with a hand on Beetle's back, he pushed him back towards the beach huts, muttering something about how sorry he was and how he'd put the costume on-
Max clutched at his ears but it was too late. He sank back on the lounger and threw a hand across his forehead.
"L-Ron, I need a drink."
"Sex on the Beach, O Beetroot Leader?"
With a groan, Max buried himself under the beach towel. "I quit."