Regardless, I am resurrecting this bitch for the 37th time. Gird your loins.

I have to come clean about something. I am a failure. My existence serves no purpose to any one, I've lost the ability to affect anyone, at all, for better or for worse. I have no value. How did I get here? Where did I go so wrong? I've lost the ability to feel. I am utterly and completely numb. Worthless ( Read more... )

It's true, PCL, I was not meant for human consumption. My ego is so fragile, nay, devastated that I have no place in life that I have once again become a horror. I truly, truly can never be happy in life. I destroy everything I touch, and I know that I am beyond fixing. I am the worst person that ever walked the earth, and I am made tenfold worse ( Read more... )

It will no longer be necessary ( Read more... )

Two of you will notice nothing different. Good on yas. I find it heartening that at least a couple of us are pressing on with these journals after, for me, fifteen years. Sometimes, when I'm writing here, I flash back into memory, and I wonder if those times would have been lost forever without this venue as a reminder… That said, most of this ( Read more... )

It's a gloomy morning in Boston. Arrived yesterday afternoon, flight was uneventful. Did not get an upgrade, nor did I fall in love with the man sitting next to me. Though yesterday was the Holiday, Nina and I stayed in with Chinese delivery and a few bottles of wine. There is always so much to discuss, when we meet. I wish things in Nina's life ( Read more... )

I'm getting over myself a bit today. Over my illness, over my daydreaming, and over thinking that every relationship is going to be the same. I've put all my trust, faith and love in MHB and he has given me everything in return. I have to stop worrying so much, stop fearing that he has not invested himself with me as I have, because I know better. ( Read more... )

Let's talk about terror, because right now I am full of it. The most wonderful man I have ever met has entered my life, a better man than I could ever hope for or let alone deserve, and I am terrified he is going to leave me. I am afraid that I am not smart enough, strong enough, successful enough, beautiful enough for him and one day he is going ( Read more... )

I went to Abu Dhabi and returned. Well, semi-returned, as I am writing this post from Amsterdam, so I'm out of the Emirates, at least. The trip did not go as I had planned, but as I had daren't not hope for. It was....fun. It was not a big deal. I felt a twinge for a moment when we drove by the apartments where PCL lived, but then I recalled how ( Read more... )

Things are not going the way I had planned. This much is evident, as I was broadsided just, well, little more than a month ago by the man I thought was the love of my life. I tried to fight for the relationship, but he had, apparently, made up his mind (secretly. is there someone else?) and left me no room for reason or appeal. But, I digress. What ( Read more... )