[Short Story] How Can I Ever Tell You That I Love You? - Flower for Your Thoughts?
Title: How Can I Ever Tell You That I Love You? - Flower for Your Thoughts? [Short Story]
Pairing: Onew / Key, Onew / Minho, Key / Minho
Rating: NC-17
Genre: Angst, Romance
Disclaimer: I don’t own anything except for the storyline. Enjoy.
A/N: For the readers of this series, I’m sorry that I’m back so late with the threequel. I really hope you enjoy this - it would make the research worth it! But seriously, do tell me if this is lacking. :) I have spotted you mostly based on the time you commented for the previous parts of this fic. Thank you for your support and I promise to be quicker with the ending; one last part left! XD
Goodbye | Such a Fool
Two weeks had passed since Key was hospitalised before he was finally allowed to go home albeit with the doctor and nurses reminding him not to do anything stupid again. He hated the lonely hospital room. Onew barely came back after that night Key threw him out and even if he did come to visit, it would only be for a short while. Key regretted his actions but there was nothing much he could do to salvage the friendship. ‘Jinki must really hate me now,’ Key thought solemnly.
The only thing that cheered Key up for that couple of weeks was the gifts that appeared on his bedside table by the time he woke up every morning. They always came with a note, each time in a different handwriting which resulted in Key having no idea who sent the items despite asking the nurses and trying to stay up to catch this mystery person. Key sighed. He would miss the love he felt even if they were only flowers, simply inanimate things. He even ended up leaving his replies to this mystery person so that he could read them - Key only guessed it was a guy since it was known throughout the school that Key was gay. It was the one of the few links Key had to another human being other than that of the hospital staff for the whole of his stay.
He could recall each note and his own replies; they were embedded in his mind and he could do nothing but think of them every single day.
The first note came with a green rose the morning after Key threw Onew out. ‘A green rose as a wish for your recovery. Get well soon.’ Key was very curious as to where this gift had come from. He asked every single staff who came into his room that day - he wasn’t allowed out yet - if they knew who had given him the flower but no one knew. Despite Key’s innate curiosity, he tried to ignore it. ‘It could have been random; the note wasn’t even addressed to me,’ Key thought.
The next day, he opened his eyes to see a beautiful deep pink rose with the words, ‘I should punish you for misbehaving. You weren’t supposed to ask around if anyone knows me. But I guess that’s okay. I will show my appreciation for your determination with this deep pink rose.’ Key gasped, worried, scared and excited all at the same time. ‘How did this person know?’Key thought to himself. ‘Should I simply leave a note? Would it be a good idea to start communicating with this person?’ Thinking for a moment, he decided to write one after all. Key’s note read, ‘I’m sorry if I’ve upset you but I was just curious. Forgive me? Let’s be friends?’
The reply was, ‘Okay, friends, we shall be. Let our friendship bloom like this periwinkle. I purposely found a pink one since your favourite colour is pink.’ This pink periwinkle was one of Key’s prized possessions and Key dried it so he could preserve them. Well, technically, everything from this mystery guy was precious to Key - he dried all the flowers - but he treasured the periwinkle the most as it signalled the first of many memories to come. The fact that it was in his favourite colour helped too. Key did not know what to reply so he ended up with a generic ‘Thank you. I didn’t expect that you would know my favourite colour.’
After the periwinkle, Key received a lavender rose. That wasn’t the problem. The note wrote, ‘Lavender roses signify love at first sight. By the way, I’m pretty sure that I know almost everything about you.’ Key was starting to freak out. After all, this guy could be a stalker. Key had no idea who he was yet he was implying that he loved Key the moment he set eyes on Key? And he even had the cheek to mention that he knew everything about Key? It would have been extremely sweet if it wasn’t so creepy. Being the straightforward person he was, Key wrote back, ‘I don’t know you so you can’t like me.’
Key was even too upset to fall asleep. He also had to admit, he wanted to know who his stalker was. So he tried to stay up but by five in the morning, his eyelids were frequently drifting shut. The next thing he knew, it was already bright outside and the vase on his table was filled with a whole bunch of something red instead of the usual single stalk.
The mystery person had replied, ‘You do know me. We have always chatted often. I’m baring my feelings for you. Twelve red roses indicate that I love you. Would you be mine?’ Sure enough, the vase on the bedside table was filled with twelve flowers when Key counted them. ‘I’m sorry. I’m broken as it is. I don’t need to get hurt again,’ was the reply Key wrote down before tears started to flow down his cheeks in despair, some dropping onto his note and slightly smudging the words he wrote. He really wanted someone to be there with him but going through the pain of losing the one he loved was not something Key planned to go through again.
However, Key knew, even if he did not want to admit it, he was falling for this romantic mysterious guy. Despite all the gifts he received, he kept trying to ignore that he was enjoying the presence of a friend, despite that someone wishing they could be more than just that.
It was already the sixth morning. Key woke up to find a gorgeous bunch of purple flowers that he did not recognise. He counted them to be fifteen. ‘Fifteen flowers mean ‘I’m sorry’, doesn’t it?’ Key thought. He immediately picked up the note to read it. ‘Key… Can I call you Kibum? I’m really sorry. Please forgive me. These fifteen purple hyacinths are a testament to my feelings. I really didn’t mean to upset you.’
After a long thought, weighing the pros and cons, Key decided that he would forgive his friend or stalker - Key still had not decided which category this mysterious person fell under. In a matter of minutes, Key had his note prepared. It read, ‘I’m not really comfortable with you calling me Kibum but I won’t stop you from using it. I will forgive you. Just don’t stalk me anymore, all right? I also want to meet you in person. It’s only fair.’ Key wanted to add ‘After all, how can I like someone I don’t even know?’ but decided against it at the end - he didn’t want to give the other false hope.
The reply came with thirteen white flowers, ‘White heather: Protection; wishes will come true. Thirteen: Forever friends. My giving you thirteen white heathers is a promise that I will always be your friend. So that I can protect you and make your wishes come true forever. However, it is not the right time for us to meet yet.’ After reading it, Key felt a pang that he could not explain. He realised that he felt upset that the guy he was falling in love with, the one that could probably help him forget Onew, only accepted him as a friend. Even though that was exactly what Key had wanted in the first place, the thought of it depressed Key. He was so preoccupied that he forgot to leave a note like he usually would.
The next morning, Key opened his eyes to one of the most beautiful flowers that he had ever seen. There were three stalks of tulips in variegated shades of pink. Key smiled faintly, his depression temporarily forgotten. Picking up the note, he read it, not expecting the words written on it. ‘Key, you have such beautiful eyes. I’ve always loved them. However, you didn’t reply me yesterday. Whenever you lose interest, you would ignore whoever or forget whatever it was. You could have told me if you’re not interested in me, you know? I guess you don’t need me after all. Who was I kidding? You’ve been ignoring me all this time no matter how much I try; I expect nothing less from the Ice Queen. You’re such a diva, Key. I give up.’
Key lost it; he couldn’t take the pain that kept flinging itself at him - it was torturous. He threw the flowers along with the vase onto the floor. He held his breath as he waited for someone, anyone to rush in, demanding to know what he was thinking or what he was trying to do but no one came. Eyeing the broken glass, he hoped he would do a better job this time. Key had started with a few semi-deep cuts when his favourite nurse came in for the daily check. She was the closest to Key and knew everything that had been going on with the troubled boy.
“Key, stop it! You promised you wouldn’t do this again!” Eunju exclaimed.
“He doesn’t love me! No one ever cares for me! I have nothing to live for anymore. Leave me alone!” Key screamed. Eunju held the boy down as she pressed the call button. Key thrashed around, trying to get out of the strong grip but more staff came in just then and managed to sedate him.
After the whole ordeal, Eunju looked down at the sleeping boy; her heart went out to him. Then she picked up the flowers, hanging them to dry like how Key had shown her that first time he received that green rose. “He was so happy with the flowers. What could have happened?” she thought to herself. As she cleared the glass, she noticed a piece of paper partially under the bed. Curious, she picked it up and read it. It was the note from the mystery person. Seething, she silently kept the blood-spotted note with the rest of them and stormed out, looking for that one person who could end this ongoing misery.
When Key woke up, it was already getting dark outside. He noticed a figure huddled by his bedside and tried to stretch out to touch it. Unfortunately, he moved his left hand which was the side that Key had cut himself, causing him to cry out in pain and wake the sleeping figure.
“Kibum… You’re awake?” Onew blurrily asked. “Are you in pain? I’ll call the doctor,” Onew continued and moved to get up.
“No, it’s okay. I’m fine. Why are you here, Jinki?” Key whispered, afraid that if he made too much noise, Onew might disappear. He can’t believe that his love was back; he missed Onew so much.
Onew scooted his chair closer to Key and reached out to brush the other’s hair. “Kibum, promise me you won’t attempt suicide again. It’s already tiring for me to worry about you while I’m studying for my exams. If you make me worry even more, won’t you feel guilty?” Onew teased Key, a cheeky but tired grin on his face.
Key vehemently shook his head. “No, I won’t do it again. I promise! I’m so sorry,” Key cried, tears escaping the corners of his eyes.
Onew stood up to sit beside Key, cradling the sobbing boy into a warm hug. “Just relax and go back to sleep. You need rest,” he whispered. He felt Key nod against his chest and Key’s sobs soon slowed down to even breathing. Onew softly laid Key’s head onto the pillow before packing up and leaving the room.
In the morning, Key noticed that Onew had left and there were new flowers at his bedside table when he woke up. He sighed when he realised that the staff had used a plastic vase. Key decided to count the yellow flowers before he read the note like he commonly did. There were twenty-four of them. Reading the note, it said, ‘I’m really disappointed. You’ve let me down by trying to end your life again. I care for you so never say that no one cares for you anymore, okay? You’re always on my mind. Please take care of yourself while I’m not there to do that for you. I’m also really sorry that I took out my anger on you before.’
A guilty feeling settled itself uncomfortably in Key’s chest. It caused tears to fall, dotting the note Key still held loosely between his fingers. He hated himself for constantly hurting the people who cared for him, not that there were many. He used to have a lot of friends, most of whom he pushed away because he was afraid to trust them.
Key finally decided that he would learn to let people into his life and he would start with those whom he knew loved him. He took in a deep breath and wrote down his reply, ‘It’s alright. It’s my fault as much as yours. Anyway, thank you for the carnations. I promise you that I will not disappoint you again. I’ll take care of myself and I’ll be waiting for you. I admit, you’re always on my mind as well and I care for you too. However, I still have feelings for Onew so I can only treat you as a friend.’
Key also spoke to Eunju, apologising for being so rash and also told her about his resolutions and she promised to help and support him. After planning to surprise Onew and Key’s mystery friend with thank-you gifts, Eunju went out to buy the materials needed to make those gifts. She was extremely happy that Key was not as depressed as he was before and she told herself that she would make sure that he stayed that way.
The next day marked the tenth day of his hospital stay. Key dreaded waking up; worried that history would repeat itself - the guy might blow up at his reply. He began regretting that he rejected the mystery guy, whose name started with the letter ‘J’, according to Eunju. Key didn’t want to ask how she knew.
Forcing himself to get up, he looked over in the direction on his bedside table and noticed five yellow roses. ‘I care for you and love you so much. I’ll wait for you until you’re ready,’ Key read. He suddenly felt very bad for this ‘J’ - whom Key named Jay for easy reference - considering he had no idea when he would be able to get over Onew, if he ever could in the first place.
Key decided to write a proper letter in hopes that it might relieve a little of the guilt that was festering in him. He wrote about almost everything, starting from how he ended up in hospital to his plans for the future. He even wrote about how he hoped Onew would simply love him instead of falling for someone else.
Onew really was the most important person in Key’s life, the latter having lost his parents in an accident. He was the only other person whom Key knew since both of them were kids. Key couldn’t pinpoint when he began to fall for the other but he noticed he was always getting jealous at the attention others received from Onew, always worried for his safety and constantly craved to be near Onew.
The blow came when Key found Onew hugging Minho and saw them speaking to each other in intimate whispers. He felt cheated as he remembered all those nights Onew promised that he would take care of Key when the latter cried for his parents at night.
“You broke your promise...”
Suddenly, the door burst open and Onew stormed in, eying the flowers before turning to Key and saying, “So, it’s true. All this while I’ve been studying, you’ve been flirting with someone else.”
“No! That’s not true!” Key exclaimed.
“All right then. Prove it.”
Key hesitated. Could he tell Onew all his feelings? He took a deep breath and held out the letter he wanted to give Jay. “This was what I wrote to him. I told him I only loved you,” Key said. He was curious as to why Onew seemed jealous but didn’t wish to ask in case Onew might get angry and leave.
Key could see the emotions flitting across Onew’s face - sadness, guilt, hope and happiness - as Onew went through the letter. Key had a basic idea as to which part of the letter each emotion connected to.
After a few tense minutes, Onew finally set down the letter, a huge grin on his face. He walked up to Key and promptly gave a peck on Key’s lips before hugging him tightly. “I love you too, Kibummie,” Onew breathed, way too close to Key’s ear. It elicited shivers from Key and it was obvious that Onew had gotten Key turned on.
“Jinki...” was all Key said before he pulled Onew down for a bruising kiss.
Later that day, Key woke up from his nap all smiles. Despite the intense make-out session, they didn’t have sex, reasoning that their first time should be somewhere more special than a hospital bed. They had settled for giving each other blowjobs instead.
He lost his smile when he realised Onew was already up and getting dressed. “You’re... You’re leaving already?” Key asked, tears threatening to spill.
Onew nodded. “I have a few more exams before I’m done. I’ll come over then, if that’s okay with you?” Onew replied.
Key would prefer his boyfriend - it still seemed like a dream - to stay but he knew his exams were important to him. Key nodded, adding, “You take care of yourself. I love you... Jinki-oppa~”
He broke into a grin. “I love you too,” Onew replied before leaning in for a last kiss.
After Onew left, Key got the letter ready for Jay and also went to dry the flowers, having been distracted the whole day. He was all smiles for the staff he met when they came in to check up on him before bedtime.
***
Key gasped as he felt the cold air hit his heated member before being engulfed into the other’s mouth. “Jinki...” Key moaned. He could feel the other’s skilled tongue rolling around and pressing against his tip as fingers frantically brushed against his prostate, causing him to arch his back painfully. The vein on the underside of his cock was licked and Key grunted, desperately holding his orgasm in. He could feel himself reaching his peak and tried to keep himself from coming but failed. Key finally released into the other’s waiting mouth, his own body convulsing from the pleasure.
Opening his eyes having woken up from his dream, Key saw someone sucking him in the darkness. He tried to move and panicked when he realised that he was tied and gagged. He began to cry and the last thing he knew was that the man covered his face with a cloth that had a strong sweet smell which rendered him unconscious.
When Key woke up, he immediately looked around but everything seemed normal. “Did I dream it?” Key wondered aloud to himself. His body also felt and looked normal; there weren’t any bruises or marks to indicate anything out of the ordinary.
Key made a decision to keep it to himself. Having tackled that, he eyed the forget-me-nots on his bedside table. Counting them, he exclaimed, “He got me thirty-six of them? What would I need so many for?! Is he crazy?!”
Key would have continued if it wasn’t for Eunju walking in and asking, “Who’s crazy?”
“Jay! He got me thirty-six flowers!” Key replied, his voice going higher with each word.
Eunju laughed at Key. “Well, obviously it’s due to the meaning. So what does the note say?” Eunju asked, effectively cutting Key off from getting into a full-blown tirade.
Key picked up the note and read it out loud. “It says here, ‘I sincerely hope you’ll find true love but I will always belong to you no matter what.’ Oh no, Jinki would be so jealous! What do I do?” Key was freaking out, recalling Onew’s actions the day before. “Eunju-nuna, you won’t tell Jinki about this, would you?”
Eunju had a confused look on her face. “Why? He’s your boyfriend. He has a right to know,” Eunju countered.
“Since he’s my boyfriend, I have to think of him and take care of his feelings. Eunju-nuna, you know this would only upset him. Plus he’s having his exams. I want him to be concentrating on them so he’ll do well. Please don’t tell him,” Key reasoned. Eunju agreed after a moment, having carefully thought it through.
Pleased, Key clapped his hands childishly, earning a laugh and a ruffle of his hair from Eunju. She then left to continue on her rounds, leaving Key to his daily morning routine - writing a reply, drying the flowers and continuing with the preparation of the thank-you gifts.
The next day, Key woke up to seven white tulips arranged in his vase. He had written to Jay, expressing his wish for Jay to be more restrictive with his feelings and words since Key was already taken. It seemed that Jay was actually as stubborn as Key himself.
His note read, ‘Even so, that doesn’t change the fact that I’m crazy about you and will constantly work towards being worthy enough for you to accept me. You being attached to Onew don’t affect me at all.’
Key sighed inwardly, a grim look on his face. Knowing that arguing would get them nowhere, Key decided to let it go but set aside the replying for later since he was still kind of upset at Jay’s stubbornness.
He hung the flowers to dry and took out the materials for the gifts that he had hidden in an attempt to avoid both Jay and Onew from noticing when they come over. He was so engrossed with it that he didn’t even notice when someone came into his room until his name was called.
“Key... Kibum... Annyeong, are you feeling better?”
“Oh! Minho, why are you here? How did you know?” Key asked; astonished to see Minho, of all people.
“Onew-hyung told me that you were here so I came to visit you. I’m sure you’re bored since he barely comes. I swear, sometimes I think he cares more about his studies than his own boyfriend,” Minho chuckled.
“He told you?!” Key gasped. He was embarrassed.
“Yeah, he shares everything with me. He talks about you all the time. Even now, he... Hey, why are you crying?” Minho asked.
Key mumbled something to himself, trying to avoid eye contact but Minho would not accept being brushed off. Finally, Key spoke up, “I feel like I’m not important. Jinki always talks to you and shares his secrets and feelings with you. Even when we were kids, he often preferred chatting with others as compared to me. I’m jealous that you get to spend all his free time with him while he barely gives me the time of the day. Am I not good enough for him? Sometimes, I think he accepted me only because he pitied me.” His tears were freely flowing down his cheeks as he poured his heart out.
“Of course not; you have no idea how much he talks about you. All those times that he chatted with me were about you; how attracted he was with you, how he wished your attention was on him, how he hoped to constantly be by your side, how he wanted to spend time with you doing things together but he had no idea how. Believe me, his world revolves around you. Even if he fusses about his studies a lot, I don’t think he can function without you in his life. He was so unfocused last week,” here Minho nodded to Key’s left wrist, “So I hope you don’t worry him anymore,” he finished.
Key smiled faintly. “You know, I used to think that you stole Jinki away from me. I hated you but now, I guess you’re pretty okay.”
Minho smiled back, acknowledging Key’s words. “So, is that for Onew-hyung?” he said, pointing at the stuff Key had been busily putting together when Minho walked in on him. Earning a shy nod, he continued, “I’m free and willing if you need an extra pair of hands.”
“Sure, thanks,” Key said brightly and scooted a little to make space for Minho on his bed. They sat in companionable silence as Minho helped Key with his gifts.
Minho accompanied Key well beyond dinnertime. After he left, the loneliness that enveloped Key was more pronounced but Key still had a warm feeling from the time he spent with Minho. His previous impression of the tall guy turned out to only be a product of his overactive imagination because Minho wasn’t all those mean stuff Key thought he was.
With a huge smile, he pottered around the room, getting ready for bedtime. He had switched off the lights when he remembered that he had not written his reply for Jay.
Hastily, he scribbled out a short paragraph, ‘Seriously, I don’t want to make a big fuss but if you’re going to be stubborn, I’m not going to reply you anymore. I’ve already told you that I’m attached to Onew so please respect that. I don’t care if you tell me that you‘ll be able to spend more time with me or you’ll buy me more stuffs than Onew would. I love and trust him more than you can ever imagine and nothing you say or do can change that.’
However, Key’s words about his love and trust were tested the very next day. The reply, which came with a single daffodil, made his blood run cold. ‘Is that so? I asked Onew if he was attached to you but guess what? He said he’s single and straight. The rumour of both of you being together was most probably started by you - his words. Admit it, Key Kim Kibum. Your love is unrequited.’
Key read the note multiple times, unwilling to believe the words written on that godforsaken piece of paper. Furious, he sent a text to Minho, trying to find out if Jay was lying. A musical tone rang out; signalling a reply but it wasn’t from Minho. “Trust me?! How dare you say that when you question my love based on Jay’s words? And if that’s not distrusting enough, you asked Minho instead of your own boyfriend. Why? In case I’d tell you a lie? I don’t want a boyfriend whom doesn’t trust me. It’s over between us, Kibum,” Onew replied.
Onew’s words caught Key by surprise. He had no idea his hasty actions could be taken to mean distrust. “Argh, this is all Jay’s fault!” Key shrieked.
Suddenly, the words Onew mentioned on the first night came back to him. “You’re such a pabo. I don’t love Minho. He’s my best friend. That’s all there is to it,” Onew had explained but then added, “However, there is someone that I do have feelings for.”
“Maybe I’ve been kidding myself all this while. Maybe Jinki never loved me. Maybe the one he said he had feelings for wasn’t me and I’m just being stupid. Jinki did say I’m a pabo after all... Wait! Then, what about Minho’s words?” Key reasoned with himself. “I’m sure it has to have some truth, right? Anyway, how could Jinki simply get angry like that? What about the friendship we’ve had since young? Doesn’t it mean anything to Jinki? Argh! This is so infuriating! I should have just stuck to Jay! That would have been so much better!”
As Key ranted to himself, he was oblivious to the quiet footsteps moving away from his door that was ajar. The eavesdropper missed the last words Key sadly uttered, “But I love Jinki too much to do that. Why did he chuck me aside like this? Am I that worthless?”
A single tear trickled down his cheek and he angrily brushed it away, furious with himself for he had already promised himself to stop being such a cry-baby. Feeling distressed, Key was fairly sure that it was his fault Jinki now hated him. Everything was always his fault.
Sadly, he wrote a reply to Jay, ‘Fine. He hates me now. Are you happy? You just want me for yourself anyway, right?’ He lay down on his bed the whole day, contemplating. He wanted to diffuse the tension between Onew and himself but he had to admit, he was scared. The ever-confident Key Kim Kibum was scared! How did things ended up this way?
Key knew he had to talk to Onew sometime. Dialling Onew’s number, Key took a deep breath before he pressed the ‘call’ button. Sadly, the former didn’t pick up Key’s call nor was his second call answered, causing the younger to fret for the rest of the day. When night came, Key found himself falling into a fitful slumber.
Pairing: Onew / Key, Onew / Minho, Key / Minho
Rating: NC-17
Genre: Angst, Romance
Disclaimer: I don’t own anything except for the storyline. Enjoy.
A/N: For the readers of this series, I’m sorry that I’m back so late with the threequel. I really hope you enjoy this - it would make the research worth it! But seriously, do tell me if this is lacking. :) I have spotted you mostly based on the time you commented for the previous parts of this fic. Thank you for your support and I promise to be quicker with the ending; one last part left! XD
Goodbye | Such a Fool
Two weeks had passed since Key was hospitalised before he was finally allowed to go home albeit with the doctor and nurses reminding him not to do anything stupid again. He hated the lonely hospital room. Onew barely came back after that night Key threw him out and even if he did come to visit, it would only be for a short while. Key regretted his actions but there was nothing much he could do to salvage the friendship. ‘Jinki must really hate me now,’ Key thought solemnly.
The only thing that cheered Key up for that couple of weeks was the gifts that appeared on his bedside table by the time he woke up every morning. They always came with a note, each time in a different handwriting which resulted in Key having no idea who sent the items despite asking the nurses and trying to stay up to catch this mystery person. Key sighed. He would miss the love he felt even if they were only flowers, simply inanimate things. He even ended up leaving his replies to this mystery person so that he could read them - Key only guessed it was a guy since it was known throughout the school that Key was gay. It was the one of the few links Key had to another human being other than that of the hospital staff for the whole of his stay.
He could recall each note and his own replies; they were embedded in his mind and he could do nothing but think of them every single day.
The first note came with a green rose the morning after Key threw Onew out. ‘A green rose as a wish for your recovery. Get well soon.’ Key was very curious as to where this gift had come from. He asked every single staff who came into his room that day - he wasn’t allowed out yet - if they knew who had given him the flower but no one knew. Despite Key’s innate curiosity, he tried to ignore it. ‘It could have been random; the note wasn’t even addressed to me,’ Key thought.
The next day, he opened his eyes to see a beautiful deep pink rose with the words, ‘I should punish you for misbehaving. You weren’t supposed to ask around if anyone knows me. But I guess that’s okay. I will show my appreciation for your determination with this deep pink rose.’ Key gasped, worried, scared and excited all at the same time. ‘How did this person know?’Key thought to himself. ‘Should I simply leave a note? Would it be a good idea to start communicating with this person?’ Thinking for a moment, he decided to write one after all. Key’s note read, ‘I’m sorry if I’ve upset you but I was just curious. Forgive me? Let’s be friends?’
The reply was, ‘Okay, friends, we shall be. Let our friendship bloom like this periwinkle. I purposely found a pink one since your favourite colour is pink.’ This pink periwinkle was one of Key’s prized possessions and Key dried it so he could preserve them. Well, technically, everything from this mystery guy was precious to Key - he dried all the flowers - but he treasured the periwinkle the most as it signalled the first of many memories to come. The fact that it was in his favourite colour helped too. Key did not know what to reply so he ended up with a generic ‘Thank you. I didn’t expect that you would know my favourite colour.’
After the periwinkle, Key received a lavender rose. That wasn’t the problem. The note wrote, ‘Lavender roses signify love at first sight. By the way, I’m pretty sure that I know almost everything about you.’ Key was starting to freak out. After all, this guy could be a stalker. Key had no idea who he was yet he was implying that he loved Key the moment he set eyes on Key? And he even had the cheek to mention that he knew everything about Key? It would have been extremely sweet if it wasn’t so creepy. Being the straightforward person he was, Key wrote back, ‘I don’t know you so you can’t like me.’
Key was even too upset to fall asleep. He also had to admit, he wanted to know who his stalker was. So he tried to stay up but by five in the morning, his eyelids were frequently drifting shut. The next thing he knew, it was already bright outside and the vase on his table was filled with a whole bunch of something red instead of the usual single stalk.
The mystery person had replied, ‘You do know me. We have always chatted often. I’m baring my feelings for you. Twelve red roses indicate that I love you. Would you be mine?’ Sure enough, the vase on the bedside table was filled with twelve flowers when Key counted them. ‘I’m sorry. I’m broken as it is. I don’t need to get hurt again,’ was the reply Key wrote down before tears started to flow down his cheeks in despair, some dropping onto his note and slightly smudging the words he wrote. He really wanted someone to be there with him but going through the pain of losing the one he loved was not something Key planned to go through again.
However, Key knew, even if he did not want to admit it, he was falling for this romantic mysterious guy. Despite all the gifts he received, he kept trying to ignore that he was enjoying the presence of a friend, despite that someone wishing they could be more than just that.
It was already the sixth morning. Key woke up to find a gorgeous bunch of purple flowers that he did not recognise. He counted them to be fifteen. ‘Fifteen flowers mean ‘I’m sorry’, doesn’t it?’ Key thought. He immediately picked up the note to read it. ‘Key… Can I call you Kibum? I’m really sorry. Please forgive me. These fifteen purple hyacinths are a testament to my feelings. I really didn’t mean to upset you.’
After a long thought, weighing the pros and cons, Key decided that he would forgive his friend or stalker - Key still had not decided which category this mysterious person fell under. In a matter of minutes, Key had his note prepared. It read, ‘I’m not really comfortable with you calling me Kibum but I won’t stop you from using it. I will forgive you. Just don’t stalk me anymore, all right? I also want to meet you in person. It’s only fair.’ Key wanted to add ‘After all, how can I like someone I don’t even know?’ but decided against it at the end - he didn’t want to give the other false hope.
The reply came with thirteen white flowers, ‘White heather: Protection; wishes will come true. Thirteen: Forever friends. My giving you thirteen white heathers is a promise that I will always be your friend. So that I can protect you and make your wishes come true forever. However, it is not the right time for us to meet yet.’ After reading it, Key felt a pang that he could not explain. He realised that he felt upset that the guy he was falling in love with, the one that could probably help him forget Onew, only accepted him as a friend. Even though that was exactly what Key had wanted in the first place, the thought of it depressed Key. He was so preoccupied that he forgot to leave a note like he usually would.
The next morning, Key opened his eyes to one of the most beautiful flowers that he had ever seen. There were three stalks of tulips in variegated shades of pink. Key smiled faintly, his depression temporarily forgotten. Picking up the note, he read it, not expecting the words written on it. ‘Key, you have such beautiful eyes. I’ve always loved them. However, you didn’t reply me yesterday. Whenever you lose interest, you would ignore whoever or forget whatever it was. You could have told me if you’re not interested in me, you know? I guess you don’t need me after all. Who was I kidding? You’ve been ignoring me all this time no matter how much I try; I expect nothing less from the Ice Queen. You’re such a diva, Key. I give up.’
Key lost it; he couldn’t take the pain that kept flinging itself at him - it was torturous. He threw the flowers along with the vase onto the floor. He held his breath as he waited for someone, anyone to rush in, demanding to know what he was thinking or what he was trying to do but no one came. Eyeing the broken glass, he hoped he would do a better job this time. Key had started with a few semi-deep cuts when his favourite nurse came in for the daily check. She was the closest to Key and knew everything that had been going on with the troubled boy.
“Key, stop it! You promised you wouldn’t do this again!” Eunju exclaimed.
“He doesn’t love me! No one ever cares for me! I have nothing to live for anymore. Leave me alone!” Key screamed. Eunju held the boy down as she pressed the call button. Key thrashed around, trying to get out of the strong grip but more staff came in just then and managed to sedate him.
After the whole ordeal, Eunju looked down at the sleeping boy; her heart went out to him. Then she picked up the flowers, hanging them to dry like how Key had shown her that first time he received that green rose. “He was so happy with the flowers. What could have happened?” she thought to herself. As she cleared the glass, she noticed a piece of paper partially under the bed. Curious, she picked it up and read it. It was the note from the mystery person. Seething, she silently kept the blood-spotted note with the rest of them and stormed out, looking for that one person who could end this ongoing misery.
When Key woke up, it was already getting dark outside. He noticed a figure huddled by his bedside and tried to stretch out to touch it. Unfortunately, he moved his left hand which was the side that Key had cut himself, causing him to cry out in pain and wake the sleeping figure.
“Kibum… You’re awake?” Onew blurrily asked. “Are you in pain? I’ll call the doctor,” Onew continued and moved to get up.
“No, it’s okay. I’m fine. Why are you here, Jinki?” Key whispered, afraid that if he made too much noise, Onew might disappear. He can’t believe that his love was back; he missed Onew so much.
Onew scooted his chair closer to Key and reached out to brush the other’s hair. “Kibum, promise me you won’t attempt suicide again. It’s already tiring for me to worry about you while I’m studying for my exams. If you make me worry even more, won’t you feel guilty?” Onew teased Key, a cheeky but tired grin on his face.
Key vehemently shook his head. “No, I won’t do it again. I promise! I’m so sorry,” Key cried, tears escaping the corners of his eyes.
Onew stood up to sit beside Key, cradling the sobbing boy into a warm hug. “Just relax and go back to sleep. You need rest,” he whispered. He felt Key nod against his chest and Key’s sobs soon slowed down to even breathing. Onew softly laid Key’s head onto the pillow before packing up and leaving the room.
In the morning, Key noticed that Onew had left and there were new flowers at his bedside table when he woke up. He sighed when he realised that the staff had used a plastic vase. Key decided to count the yellow flowers before he read the note like he commonly did. There were twenty-four of them. Reading the note, it said, ‘I’m really disappointed. You’ve let me down by trying to end your life again. I care for you so never say that no one cares for you anymore, okay? You’re always on my mind. Please take care of yourself while I’m not there to do that for you. I’m also really sorry that I took out my anger on you before.’
A guilty feeling settled itself uncomfortably in Key’s chest. It caused tears to fall, dotting the note Key still held loosely between his fingers. He hated himself for constantly hurting the people who cared for him, not that there were many. He used to have a lot of friends, most of whom he pushed away because he was afraid to trust them.
Key finally decided that he would learn to let people into his life and he would start with those whom he knew loved him. He took in a deep breath and wrote down his reply, ‘It’s alright. It’s my fault as much as yours. Anyway, thank you for the carnations. I promise you that I will not disappoint you again. I’ll take care of myself and I’ll be waiting for you. I admit, you’re always on my mind as well and I care for you too. However, I still have feelings for Onew so I can only treat you as a friend.’
Key also spoke to Eunju, apologising for being so rash and also told her about his resolutions and she promised to help and support him. After planning to surprise Onew and Key’s mystery friend with thank-you gifts, Eunju went out to buy the materials needed to make those gifts. She was extremely happy that Key was not as depressed as he was before and she told herself that she would make sure that he stayed that way.
The next day marked the tenth day of his hospital stay. Key dreaded waking up; worried that history would repeat itself - the guy might blow up at his reply. He began regretting that he rejected the mystery guy, whose name started with the letter ‘J’, according to Eunju. Key didn’t want to ask how she knew.
Forcing himself to get up, he looked over in the direction on his bedside table and noticed five yellow roses. ‘I care for you and love you so much. I’ll wait for you until you’re ready,’ Key read. He suddenly felt very bad for this ‘J’ - whom Key named Jay for easy reference - considering he had no idea when he would be able to get over Onew, if he ever could in the first place.
Key decided to write a proper letter in hopes that it might relieve a little of the guilt that was festering in him. He wrote about almost everything, starting from how he ended up in hospital to his plans for the future. He even wrote about how he hoped Onew would simply love him instead of falling for someone else.
Onew really was the most important person in Key’s life, the latter having lost his parents in an accident. He was the only other person whom Key knew since both of them were kids. Key couldn’t pinpoint when he began to fall for the other but he noticed he was always getting jealous at the attention others received from Onew, always worried for his safety and constantly craved to be near Onew.
The blow came when Key found Onew hugging Minho and saw them speaking to each other in intimate whispers. He felt cheated as he remembered all those nights Onew promised that he would take care of Key when the latter cried for his parents at night.
“You broke your promise...”
Suddenly, the door burst open and Onew stormed in, eying the flowers before turning to Key and saying, “So, it’s true. All this while I’ve been studying, you’ve been flirting with someone else.”
“No! That’s not true!” Key exclaimed.
“All right then. Prove it.”
Key hesitated. Could he tell Onew all his feelings? He took a deep breath and held out the letter he wanted to give Jay. “This was what I wrote to him. I told him I only loved you,” Key said. He was curious as to why Onew seemed jealous but didn’t wish to ask in case Onew might get angry and leave.
Key could see the emotions flitting across Onew’s face - sadness, guilt, hope and happiness - as Onew went through the letter. Key had a basic idea as to which part of the letter each emotion connected to.
After a few tense minutes, Onew finally set down the letter, a huge grin on his face. He walked up to Key and promptly gave a peck on Key’s lips before hugging him tightly. “I love you too, Kibummie,” Onew breathed, way too close to Key’s ear. It elicited shivers from Key and it was obvious that Onew had gotten Key turned on.
“Jinki...” was all Key said before he pulled Onew down for a bruising kiss.
Later that day, Key woke up from his nap all smiles. Despite the intense make-out session, they didn’t have sex, reasoning that their first time should be somewhere more special than a hospital bed. They had settled for giving each other blowjobs instead.
He lost his smile when he realised Onew was already up and getting dressed. “You’re... You’re leaving already?” Key asked, tears threatening to spill.
Onew nodded. “I have a few more exams before I’m done. I’ll come over then, if that’s okay with you?” Onew replied.
Key would prefer his boyfriend - it still seemed like a dream - to stay but he knew his exams were important to him. Key nodded, adding, “You take care of yourself. I love you... Jinki-oppa~”
He broke into a grin. “I love you too,” Onew replied before leaning in for a last kiss.
After Onew left, Key got the letter ready for Jay and also went to dry the flowers, having been distracted the whole day. He was all smiles for the staff he met when they came in to check up on him before bedtime.
***
Key gasped as he felt the cold air hit his heated member before being engulfed into the other’s mouth. “Jinki...” Key moaned. He could feel the other’s skilled tongue rolling around and pressing against his tip as fingers frantically brushed against his prostate, causing him to arch his back painfully. The vein on the underside of his cock was licked and Key grunted, desperately holding his orgasm in. He could feel himself reaching his peak and tried to keep himself from coming but failed. Key finally released into the other’s waiting mouth, his own body convulsing from the pleasure.
Opening his eyes having woken up from his dream, Key saw someone sucking him in the darkness. He tried to move and panicked when he realised that he was tied and gagged. He began to cry and the last thing he knew was that the man covered his face with a cloth that had a strong sweet smell which rendered him unconscious.
When Key woke up, he immediately looked around but everything seemed normal. “Did I dream it?” Key wondered aloud to himself. His body also felt and looked normal; there weren’t any bruises or marks to indicate anything out of the ordinary.
Key made a decision to keep it to himself. Having tackled that, he eyed the forget-me-nots on his bedside table. Counting them, he exclaimed, “He got me thirty-six of them? What would I need so many for?! Is he crazy?!”
Key would have continued if it wasn’t for Eunju walking in and asking, “Who’s crazy?”
“Jay! He got me thirty-six flowers!” Key replied, his voice going higher with each word.
Eunju laughed at Key. “Well, obviously it’s due to the meaning. So what does the note say?” Eunju asked, effectively cutting Key off from getting into a full-blown tirade.
Key picked up the note and read it out loud. “It says here, ‘I sincerely hope you’ll find true love but I will always belong to you no matter what.’ Oh no, Jinki would be so jealous! What do I do?” Key was freaking out, recalling Onew’s actions the day before. “Eunju-nuna, you won’t tell Jinki about this, would you?”
Eunju had a confused look on her face. “Why? He’s your boyfriend. He has a right to know,” Eunju countered.
“Since he’s my boyfriend, I have to think of him and take care of his feelings. Eunju-nuna, you know this would only upset him. Plus he’s having his exams. I want him to be concentrating on them so he’ll do well. Please don’t tell him,” Key reasoned. Eunju agreed after a moment, having carefully thought it through.
Pleased, Key clapped his hands childishly, earning a laugh and a ruffle of his hair from Eunju. She then left to continue on her rounds, leaving Key to his daily morning routine - writing a reply, drying the flowers and continuing with the preparation of the thank-you gifts.
The next day, Key woke up to seven white tulips arranged in his vase. He had written to Jay, expressing his wish for Jay to be more restrictive with his feelings and words since Key was already taken. It seemed that Jay was actually as stubborn as Key himself.
His note read, ‘Even so, that doesn’t change the fact that I’m crazy about you and will constantly work towards being worthy enough for you to accept me. You being attached to Onew don’t affect me at all.’
Key sighed inwardly, a grim look on his face. Knowing that arguing would get them nowhere, Key decided to let it go but set aside the replying for later since he was still kind of upset at Jay’s stubbornness.
He hung the flowers to dry and took out the materials for the gifts that he had hidden in an attempt to avoid both Jay and Onew from noticing when they come over. He was so engrossed with it that he didn’t even notice when someone came into his room until his name was called.
“Key... Kibum... Annyeong, are you feeling better?”
“Oh! Minho, why are you here? How did you know?” Key asked; astonished to see Minho, of all people.
“Onew-hyung told me that you were here so I came to visit you. I’m sure you’re bored since he barely comes. I swear, sometimes I think he cares more about his studies than his own boyfriend,” Minho chuckled.
“He told you?!” Key gasped. He was embarrassed.
“Yeah, he shares everything with me. He talks about you all the time. Even now, he... Hey, why are you crying?” Minho asked.
Key mumbled something to himself, trying to avoid eye contact but Minho would not accept being brushed off. Finally, Key spoke up, “I feel like I’m not important. Jinki always talks to you and shares his secrets and feelings with you. Even when we were kids, he often preferred chatting with others as compared to me. I’m jealous that you get to spend all his free time with him while he barely gives me the time of the day. Am I not good enough for him? Sometimes, I think he accepted me only because he pitied me.” His tears were freely flowing down his cheeks as he poured his heart out.
“Of course not; you have no idea how much he talks about you. All those times that he chatted with me were about you; how attracted he was with you, how he wished your attention was on him, how he hoped to constantly be by your side, how he wanted to spend time with you doing things together but he had no idea how. Believe me, his world revolves around you. Even if he fusses about his studies a lot, I don’t think he can function without you in his life. He was so unfocused last week,” here Minho nodded to Key’s left wrist, “So I hope you don’t worry him anymore,” he finished.
Key smiled faintly. “You know, I used to think that you stole Jinki away from me. I hated you but now, I guess you’re pretty okay.”
Minho smiled back, acknowledging Key’s words. “So, is that for Onew-hyung?” he said, pointing at the stuff Key had been busily putting together when Minho walked in on him. Earning a shy nod, he continued, “I’m free and willing if you need an extra pair of hands.”
“Sure, thanks,” Key said brightly and scooted a little to make space for Minho on his bed. They sat in companionable silence as Minho helped Key with his gifts.
Minho accompanied Key well beyond dinnertime. After he left, the loneliness that enveloped Key was more pronounced but Key still had a warm feeling from the time he spent with Minho. His previous impression of the tall guy turned out to only be a product of his overactive imagination because Minho wasn’t all those mean stuff Key thought he was.
With a huge smile, he pottered around the room, getting ready for bedtime. He had switched off the lights when he remembered that he had not written his reply for Jay.
Hastily, he scribbled out a short paragraph, ‘Seriously, I don’t want to make a big fuss but if you’re going to be stubborn, I’m not going to reply you anymore. I’ve already told you that I’m attached to Onew so please respect that. I don’t care if you tell me that you‘ll be able to spend more time with me or you’ll buy me more stuffs than Onew would. I love and trust him more than you can ever imagine and nothing you say or do can change that.’
However, Key’s words about his love and trust were tested the very next day. The reply, which came with a single daffodil, made his blood run cold. ‘Is that so? I asked Onew if he was attached to you but guess what? He said he’s single and straight. The rumour of both of you being together was most probably started by you - his words. Admit it, Key Kim Kibum. Your love is unrequited.’
Key read the note multiple times, unwilling to believe the words written on that godforsaken piece of paper. Furious, he sent a text to Minho, trying to find out if Jay was lying. A musical tone rang out; signalling a reply but it wasn’t from Minho. “Trust me?! How dare you say that when you question my love based on Jay’s words? And if that’s not distrusting enough, you asked Minho instead of your own boyfriend. Why? In case I’d tell you a lie? I don’t want a boyfriend whom doesn’t trust me. It’s over between us, Kibum,” Onew replied.
Onew’s words caught Key by surprise. He had no idea his hasty actions could be taken to mean distrust. “Argh, this is all Jay’s fault!” Key shrieked.
Suddenly, the words Onew mentioned on the first night came back to him. “You’re such a pabo. I don’t love Minho. He’s my best friend. That’s all there is to it,” Onew had explained but then added, “However, there is someone that I do have feelings for.”
“Maybe I’ve been kidding myself all this while. Maybe Jinki never loved me. Maybe the one he said he had feelings for wasn’t me and I’m just being stupid. Jinki did say I’m a pabo after all... Wait! Then, what about Minho’s words?” Key reasoned with himself. “I’m sure it has to have some truth, right? Anyway, how could Jinki simply get angry like that? What about the friendship we’ve had since young? Doesn’t it mean anything to Jinki? Argh! This is so infuriating! I should have just stuck to Jay! That would have been so much better!”
As Key ranted to himself, he was oblivious to the quiet footsteps moving away from his door that was ajar. The eavesdropper missed the last words Key sadly uttered, “But I love Jinki too much to do that. Why did he chuck me aside like this? Am I that worthless?”
A single tear trickled down his cheek and he angrily brushed it away, furious with himself for he had already promised himself to stop being such a cry-baby. Feeling distressed, Key was fairly sure that it was his fault Jinki now hated him. Everything was always his fault.
Sadly, he wrote a reply to Jay, ‘Fine. He hates me now. Are you happy? You just want me for yourself anyway, right?’ He lay down on his bed the whole day, contemplating. He wanted to diffuse the tension between Onew and himself but he had to admit, he was scared. The ever-confident Key Kim Kibum was scared! How did things ended up this way?
Key knew he had to talk to Onew sometime. Dialling Onew’s number, Key took a deep breath before he pressed the ‘call’ button. Sadly, the former didn’t pick up Key’s call nor was his second call answered, causing the younger to fret for the rest of the day. When night came, Key found himself falling into a fitful slumber.