Well, my dear readers (all of you!), this will be my last post for a few weeks. Early morning Sunday I'm going on a three-week backpacking adventure in the Trinity Alps of California. If I don't come back on the 24th, please send out a search party. Chances are a bear will have eaten me, or at least kidnapped me.

Love,

Bret

"Will you be bigger, Bret?" Nadyezhda the Host Mom asked. I caught the two words: "Bolshe budyesh?”, managed to separate them in my head, and define them individually as I knew them. Bolshe = bigger, budyesh = you will be. "Bigger will you be?"

It made sense, in a strange way, that a Russian woman would be asking me this.

I had just ( Read more... )

This year, I wrote a book - co-wrote, I should say - with my good friend Andy Eberle. It's called The Four Fortunes, and it's totally awesome. Lulu is a great website that will print basically any crap you send them as long as it's properly formatted - in return for a few bucks, they'll send you a brand-spanking-new copy of your very own ( Read more... )

   By happenstance, this morning as I Munied to work, three consecutive songs played in my iPod in which the last verse is totally sad and devastating.

The first was Two-Headed Boy Part II by Neutral Milk Hotel, and it goes:

Two headed boy she is all you could need
She will feed you tomatoes and radio wires
And retire to sheets safe and clean
But ( Read more... )

   Once again, I've found myself obsessed with trying to make a McSweeney's list. This is all Drew's fault. Drew, you're a bastard.

I have four things published on McSweeney's, yet only ONE ( Read more... )

   Inspired by The Master of all Things Blog, I decided to do a little investigation into what Google thinks I'm all about. I have summarized some of the highlights, and, yes - some of the lowlights.

- First result - Six of Bret Turner's songs are on some dude's playlist, including: People on TV are so much better than me, Raised by a teti, and The ( Read more... )

   My dad's log of a family vacation from summer 1984:

June 13 - Mary in bed with flu, sore throat. Bret home with pink eye. I take him to Kaiser, Katie to school.

June 14 - Mary sick in bed; Jenny babysits all day.

June 15 - Friday: last day of work for papa. Kids both in school all day. Mary still sick in bed.

June 16 - Katie gets pink eye. ( Read more... )

When I order pizza with Andy, which is sometimes, we team up to make the ordering experience a little more fun. I've come to realize now that the pizza itself is almost secondary to the ordering process. Don't get me wrong - I'm a guy who loves his pizza, especially under certain circumstances. But I find myself lookin forwarded to calling more ( Read more... )

   So, I'm wondering.

Runner on third, less* than two outs. The batter hits a fly ball to center, which is caught, after which the runner on third darts home for a run. The batter has thus sacrificed himself (what a guy) for the good of the team and the city for which he plays, and is accordingly rewarded by 1) being credited with a Run Batted ( Read more... )

   Something to mull, like hot cider:

(From the esteemed San Francisco Examiner) - Time magazine reported this week that the interrogation of at least one prisoner in Guantanamo Bay included heavy doses of Christina Aguilera. The prisoner, Mohammed al Quatani, is widely believed to be the 20th hijacker involved in the Sept. 11 attacks. According ( Read more... )