Rough Draft: University of Chicago essay (Please comment/criticize)

[brndnwnvmbr]

Growing up as the oldest son of an Air Force serviceman was certainly not the least complicated upbringing. So far to date, I’ve lived in six different states: Colorado, North Dakota, South Dakota, California, Kentucky, and finally here in Illinois. Over the years, learning has helped me to habituate myself to new places. A quick adjustment for

Comments

[emo_munchkin]

the beginning is very strong, and you keep it strong the whole way through.

the roller coaster reference is good and realistic, i likey.

i know the last paragraph brings the whole paper full circle, but the last sentence is a little confusing, and not as strong as teh rest. i dont know what to suggest, though.

i love it, and i would accept you. :D

[dyng2bealive]

i also "likey" :).

the only real suggestion i have is perhaps play around with your paragraph order. the paragraph starting with "i recently moved to the Chicagoland..." seems kinda out of place. i suppose more of a connection within those few ending paragraphs between the two ideas of father and moving would help... it just got a bit choppy.

but i definitely like the focus. i like it a lot. i never would have thought of roller coasters... but maybe that's because i don't like them that much lol

[maiaizhot]

I really liked the introduction. You set up the proceeding story very effectively and concisely.

The essay as a whole is very mature and very personal, and I think it really shows something about you that others would want to know in order to get a full sense of where you're coming from.

The conclusion is really strong, and I like how it continues into the future and does not end abruptly.

Because we dont know each other all that well, reading this essay allowed me (as it will allow colleges) to get a sense of your feelings-- then and now.

[anonymous]

So far to date---redundant

[anonymous]

yo g
well, i'm just gonna start off by saying that i do really like it because it seems genuine, knowing this is really how you feel and all. umm yea basically i think you can tell it's heartfelt, which is good. the only thing i would say is that the paragraph after the one about moving to chicago kinda doesn't have a transition back to the real subject matter, which is your dad. other than that, it's solid.
love,
minsky