The time has come to finally move on from my first Journal. I have had this blog for over 7 years, randomly updating the status of my heart and state of my mind. It went with me throughout my late adolescence where everything was dark and tragic and fun. But as I re-read some of those entries, I realize that it is likely I will never experience ( Read more... )

I lost her all over again. No, I lost her even more this time. Now, it's harder to believe that it was God's idea to take my mother away from me... now that I know what really happened. Who would have thought that after 10 years of addiction, incarceration, and rehabilitation, it would have ended like this.

Did it hurt?
Were you afraid?
What were your ( Read more... )

Everybody needs a life word- a verb that symbolizes their worldview, purpose, and sense of self. Many people today have similar life words, like "achieve," "succeed," "gain," "go!" Always more. I think my life word is "seek." I am on a journey of self-reflection, insight, and discovery. And yes, I too want more. I found on accident that if you ( Read more... )

I'm lost. Without her, I am aimless and broken. She was the reason behind everything I did, and I wish I knew that at the time. Wish I was aware of how much I needed her just to make it to the next day. Wish I could tell her one more time that she was my everything. But it's too late now. When she died, I collapsed on the ground, shrieking and ( Read more... )

I knew she was calling me in tears. But this time, I didn't answer the phone. It would have been nice to have thought that maybe she was just calling to see how I was doing, and for once I could unload all MY pain, and come clean with the truth I'm masking with lies and bullshit. But I knew better. Instead, I let it ring, and made her tell her ( Read more... )

In no particular order...

1. Move in with Matthew
2. Get a decent raise at work
3. Talk and/or visit with Dad and grandparents at least once a month
4. Spend quality time with Mom and my brother at least once a month
5. Lose 25 pounds, do cardio 3 times a week, strength training 2 times a week, and flexibility exercises 2 times a week
6. Get a ( Read more... )

I just erased it all because it was too much. Instead I'll keep it light and superficial. I'll keep it as a game, a game that I'll either win or one that I will bow out gracefully. You won't see defeat until you go behind closed doors. And that's where I'll be. Drowning in my own tears for reasons unknown. I didn't like the game in the first place ( Read more... )

If things are so perfect, if I have everything I ever wanted, then why do I feel so utterly heartbroken? Like I miss something I never knew. Like I long for something I never had. I feel as though something huge in my life left me, slipped through my fingers because I wasn't strong enough to keep it close. And now I'm too lost or too afraid to get ( Read more... )

( Read more... )

And just like that... everything changes.

ELISE,
Needless to say I still think about you everyday. After that night in late April, I had a lot of guilt. You know why by now, I'm sure. So many things I should have told you. Would you have listened? You left the next day, and already the world seemed a little less bright. And I felt your absence ( Read more... )