Comments | brunnlinde: Yammering on control issues.

brunnlinde

Yammering on control issues.

Jul 23, 2004 15:53

Apologies if this is incoherent. I've had all of 12 hours of sleep over the past three days, and should probably not be considering such weighty (har har) issues. But my hard-copy journal is currently under my mattress, and I'm stuck at work, so this entry shall set sail across digital seas! Arr. Avast ( Read more... )

Comments 5

myscreams July 23 2004, 13:24:40 UTC

I do not revel in my worth being defined by caloric intake. I do not gloat and pay homage to "ana" or "mia", carrying them with me as if they were a prized show poodle destined to become Alpo Grand Champion.

I wish all the time that I could wake up w/o this.

decayedorbit July 23 2004, 20:02:25 UTC

I agree with you 100%. there is one book i read and reread that raises those points, both about eating disorders and about self-injury. skin game. and i find myself underlining those passages because they say so much. at best, all i can ever hope for is a draw. an uneasy truce between myself and my weight. there will never be a win. and yet, i don't lay down my sword.

brunnlinde July 24 2004, 11:08:31 UTC

I've heard of Skin Game through Amazon, but I dismissed it because it seemed to be primarily about cutting, and external physical self-injury wasn't something I'd wanted to explore, for fear of finding another outlet. How graphic is it?

There's a huge part of me, when it looks to the future, wants nothing more than to crumple back into the past. I can't remember ever actually having any issues with my weight before I began my COE behaviour in early high school.. and I want to return to that pre-ED life SO BADLY. What is it that psychologists call it? Regression? Something like that. But, as you said, the best that can now be established is an uneasy truce between mind & body.

I just wish I could get over the idea that I've somehow been "cheated" out of perfection. That this fleshy shell is the worst kind of traitor.

decayedorbit July 25 2004, 18:36:05 UTC

some of the cutting stuff is graphic. and sometimes it bugs me that she is 12 years old when this is happening to her. but she writes the book years and years later, so the writing itself is mature and insightful. this is what grabbed me the most about the book ( ... )

subbes August 18 2004, 12:40:18 UTC

Coming back through your posts on a whim... I have a copy of skin game if you want it. I bought it and, to be honest, hated it.