Comments | brunnlinde: Fragility.

brunnlinde

Fragility.

Jul 28, 2004 13:41

After the first restful night's sleep in nearly a week, I'm feeling pretty damned good. My thought processes are clearer and I finally managed to remain awake during the hour-long busride to work. Hurrah! But with all this positivity, I'm questioning why I'm musing on all things morbid, this morning ( Read more... )

Comments 7

selkiedancer July 28 2004, 11:25:24 UTC

You have an amazing way with words...I would say more, but this is an entry I need to re-read, over and over again, to absorb it all.

fmj3 July 28 2004, 13:25:40 UTC

Well good damn. I fricking posted at the exact same time on this. Had to delete it though. I guess I'll go back to my hole of work.

brunnlinde August 1 2004, 17:48:13 UTC

In the comment you deleted, you'd mentioned that you would like to be added to my friend's list. With all due respect, I'm curious as to your reasoning for the friending - not that I'm suspicious of your intentions, but simply because I'm very tentative about these things. Hopefully, you understand my motivations. :)

brunnlinde July 29 2004, 06:33:32 UTC

Maybe we're drawing inspiration from each other, or perhaps there's something in the air, but it seems as though a few of us crazies are waxing prosaic on the macabre, recently. It's odd how similar themes wind themselves through our community, from time to time - worries about success, failure, death, deception, impersonation, and (above all) the constant striving for perfection.. and the lack thereof.

ppplmgwiw July 28 2004, 15:35:31 UTC

My nutritionist told me this morning that over time, starvation really takes its toll, even if you have periods of recovery as I have. (And, amazingly, she counts what I'm doing now--averaging 1000-1200 cals a day--as starvation! LOL!) She said that 20 years in, I've likely done some pretty serious cumulative damage. And yet I continually deny this, even while I know that every single missed period means calcium is being leached from my over-30 bones, and that my low blood pressure isn't the sign of cardiovascular fitness that I like to claim...

brunnlinde July 29 2004, 06:23:16 UTC

Your comment really affected me, so much so that I put a forced end to my fast yesterday and ate a "full" dinner. I just kept repeating, "I ate it, I own it," in an effort to ride out the impulse to purge. Thankfully, I did. And even though I feel like a cow today, I'm happy that I managed to overcome the anorectic sensibilities, if only for an evening; today I'm back to restriction.

Please continue posting about your experiences with the nutritionist - I'm trying to benefit from her wisdom vicariously. :)

ppplmgwiw July 29 2004, 09:19:10 UTC

Her advice has been really good. I can't say I've followed all of it, but it's good to have her input and support. I'm glad you ended your fast--I've never been a fan of fasting, myself. And I'm finding that actually sitting down to a meal--even if it's just small--makes it easier to restrict the rest of the time since I don't feel like I'm constantly searching for just the tiniest bites of things... Sometimes I feel like this little animal, foraging around for crumbs, hording because who knows when I might get to eat next? I hate that--it makes me feel crazy. Even though I'm still fairly restrictive (aiming for around 1000-1200 cals, which despite my anorexic mind that tells me that's TONS is in fact in the real world not very much, and working out an hour and a half each day), eating a meal each day and not ALWAYS choosing the smallest portion of the lowest-calorie food I can find feels less obsessive, less crazy, and lets me have room in my brain for other concerns. I don't know about you, but I just CAN'T have my ED take up ( ... )