Such a weird day. I don't know what to do with myself. Jenny's still sound asleep and I don't want to wake her up. I've tried to go back to bed a million times, I'm so tired I'm shaking, but when I get into bed she's right there and I can't relax, can't stop shaking, can't go to sleep. So I get up, and find I can't eat, can't read, can't watch tv, ( Read more... )

Scary night.  For both of us, although for different reasons.  Her because she woke up sick, scared, seeing and hearing things that weren't there.  The ultimate bad powertrip ( Read more... )

As long as I can remember it's been me leaning on other people. It's been me depending on everyone else to make sure everything's ok. It's been me who needs, me who takes, me who loses the thread of what's real and falls off the edge of the world. Me who relys on everyone else to reel me back in, pull me back into the actual, tell me the voices ( Read more... )

Things have been so good over the past year I'd forgotten what things can get like inside of me. I guess maybe it's no bad thing to get a reminder that this balance I've established is fragile, easily upset, maybe just as easily destroyed. I need to be careful.   I've been sick for  a month, alarming enough, but I wasn't really paying much ( Read more... )

it takes a very long time to rewire a house.   i'm not sure why i waited for the rewire to be finished, since my laptop is wireless and i'm not staying anyway.

but wait i did, and here i am and all is well. 

I think I'm sick.  Everything should have worn off from the surgical event, and we've weened off a bunch of the meds already. But I still keep just passing out randomly.  Sleeping and vomiting, welcome to my life.   I don't know what's going on.  I feel like I did when I was taking Trizivir.  Trying not to be paranoid and suspicious that the meds I ( Read more... )

I can't stay awake today.  I sleep for hours, wake up, five minutes later I'm asleep again.  I feel like I've been awake for days. I don't quite understand this, it's weird.  I got up to try to regain actual consciousness, did the dishes. Or tried to. I fell asleep standing up with my hands in the water.  I fell asleep in the shower. I've had to ( Read more... )

It's boring as hell to have to stay lying down all day long.  It's a good thing I did it anyway.  Sick all night and now I'm up because I have to go have the new unit programmed.  Then back home where they're telling me to just repeat yesterday. Too much stress, too many seizures, too many meds, all that sedation yesterday,  too many more seizures ( Read more... )

That idea being thinking of the people I know online as my friends. Yeah there are a few I think really are, and even fewer I actually have met, visit, etc, who undeniably are. But for the most part my buddy lists, email, and memories are clogged up with the names of people who have spent hours telling me they love me, they care, it's all so ( Read more... )

If this keeps going I don't know what I'm gonna do. It's almost back to pre surgery conditions. Wasted on seizure meds that aren't working. My doctor's helping but how do you argue with data? CBO swears their software can't be wrong. Going today to download the logs and see what they say. If they show the thing's not working they're prepared to ( Read more... )