Fic: This Time | Part II
Title: THIS TIME - Part II
Type: AU, Angst/Romance
Rating: NC-17
Characters/Pairings: Kris Allen/Adam Lambert
PART II
10 years later (present day)
Santa Monica, CA
The two-way radio earpiece was looped around Kris’s right earlobe loosely and buzzed with activity from around the ballroom. Several members of the security team joked about the paparazzi out front while the caterer was giving last-minute instructions to the wait staff.
The rooftop ballroom glowed with soft white lights that were strung up around the windows and trees. Strategically placed lamps ensured guests wouldn't bump into tables, chairs or each other.
The audio and video equipment were secured close to the podium and positioned around the room so everyone could see and hear the presentation and speeches later.
Kris looked around and smiled slightly. The annual “Full Court Press Black & White Ball” for Devon Brown was all set. Tonight, the ballroom would be full of corporate sponsors, team colleagues, family, friends and a dozen college-bound students from local Los Angeles area high schools awaiting news of their scholarships. Devon and his wife would be the toast of the town again. They always were. Kris made sure of it.
It was a cool March evening in Santa Monica. The floor-to-ceiling windows would be opened when the room started getting stuffy. The ocean breeze off the Pacific adding a nice touch, as long as it stayed mildly breezy as it did now.
Kris placed the earpiece back into his ear and picked up the wire to page his event manager.
“Hey Joanie, things are all good in the room, so I'm going to head to my room to change. Do you need time to change?”
“Sure thing. And, no, I just got back. All gussied up and ready to roll,” Joanie laughed into the transmitter. “I'm in the back with catering, so let me know when you're back.”
Kris replied, “Okay, okay. Shouldn't take me more than 15 minutes.”
Joan sighed, “Honey, you have to look amazing, so take your time. I got things here so don't worry about it.”
“Yeah, yeah,” Kris replied back. “Page or call me if you need anything. Daniel and his team should be up in about an hour. Can you check on the hallway and make sure the banners and signage are up where they should be? Make sure that the carpet is clear and all that, oh, and make sure the paps are reined in. We’re supposed to have some surprise celebs here tonight. Other than that, I'll check in when I’m done and on my way back.”
“Ten-four, boss,” came the quick reply.
Kris took the earpiece out and quickly yanked the radio headset and pack from waistband of his jeans. He headed to the elevator to the room to freshen up and put on his suit. He sighed; he hated surprises.
The party was in full swing as Kris walked around the ballroom for another check. Utensils clinked, while laughter and murmurs filled the room. He secured his earpiece and adjusted radio pack that was hooked in the waistband of his slacks. The various wires and electronic monitoring items weighed him down as he walked carefully along the edges of the outer tables. The heels of his shoes clicking lightly on the hardwood floors.
“Kris,” a voice buzzed in. “Can you come to the blue room?”
“Be there in two minutes,” Kris paged back. He smiled as he passed a table of guests.
Kris made his way to the “blue” room. He and his staff named it because of the striking but uncomfortable blue plastic furniture that filled the small back room…Ikea meets The Munsters goth at its worst.
“Kris, sweetie,” came the coo from around the door.
Sheila Brown approached Kris with her arms open for a hug. Kris fell into them with a matching large hug. “How’s Hollywood’s most amazing event planner tonight?” Sheila stood back to assess Kris. “And just gorgeous as always. How you manage to look amazing and work these events is beyond me.”
Kris blushed and laughed, “Sheila, stop. Anyway, how come you’re back here instead of at your table?” Kris looked around for a clock. “You and Devon are supposed to be up at the podium in 15 minutes.”
Sheila sat gracefully on the blue plastic couch. Dressed in a deep red Grecian style dress with a train that extended the length of the couch, her light brown skin glowed amidst the delicate sequins of the designer gown. She patted her chignon and jokingly pouted. “I know, I know. But Devon was talking about the stock market again, so I figured I could get away for a minute or two. Besides, at least here I can pretend to be a part of the event.”
Smiling, Kris sat down next to Sheila. The hardness of the plastic smacked into his backside with a thwack. “Ugh,” Kris groaned, “I hate the furniture in this room.”
“Yes,” Sheila laughed. “Just to make the chairs out there…” she pointed out, “feel actually comfortable in comparison.”
“So, I was wondering,” Sheila said slyly. “I need to know your type.”
Kris looked up shocked. “Wha-,” cleared his throat, “What?”
Sheila leaned in and started to whisper. “There might be a certain gentleman outside that I might want to introduce you to. But before I do, I want to make sure that A, you’re available and B, what your type is. Otherwise, I won’t bother wasting everyone’s time darling.”
Kris blushed again, shook his head. “Sheila,” he stammered. “I appreciate it, but really, you don’t…”
“Of course I don’t,” she interrupted. “But he’s just SO fabulous and sweet. And you, honey, are just as amazing and adorable. Plus, he’s a singer, and I know you still dabble in music…”
Joanie popped her head into the room, “Boss, mini-crisis in the kitchen.”
Relieved, Kris jumped up off the seat. “Sheila, you need to head to your table and get ready for the presentation.”
Kris stepped outside onto the balcony of the ballroom. The ocean air stirred the tall potted plants lightly. He looked around to find the secluded area pre-planned as his hideaway and pulled the cell phone out of one jacket pocket and a cigarette and lighter from the other. As he dialed, Kris lit the cigarette and inhaled, waiting for the call to go through.
He leaned against the railing of the balcony, feeling the coolness of the iron seep into the sleeves of his jacket and shirt.
“Answer, ya bitch,” he muttered.
Finally, “Bitch, this better be important,” growled the response on the other end. “Why do you need to call me on a date night? Are you really that bored at the ball?”
Kris exhaled, “Yeah, yeah…and it’s not a date night. You two are sprawled on the couch watching a bad movie.”
A deep-seated sigh, “Yeah, true. You okay there sweetie? You hardly ever call when you’ve got an event.”
“I’m okay,” Kris replied. “Just a weird feeling tonight for some reason.”
“Weird how? Like something about to go wrong weird? Earthquake weird?”
Kris laughed, “Megan, always so dramatic. No, nothing like that. Just weird weird. Like someone is watching me, but I know that’s not right because it’s a party and everyone is looking at everyone else. I don’t know. Just something feels funny, like something is going to happen, but I can’t prevent it, you know?”
Megan groaned, “I think you’re just antsy because this little bitty event has grown so big in the last couple of years. And you, mister, are the one who did it.”
“Hardly,” Kris denied, shaking his head. “I just figured I’d call you and you’d put me in my place, call me crazy and I’ll be fine.”
Giggles filled the line, “You’re crazy, and you’ll be fine Kris. Go back to the party and try to enjoy yourself.”
At first Adam thought he was seeing a ghost from his past, a vision speeding by him with efficiency. This annual gala thing wasn’t something he would normally be seen at, but he decided to attend at the last minute. He was trying to make a good impression with his new boyfriend’s father. The man was a huge basketball fan. It was easy, of course, to get tickets to this now high-profile event, as his father’s company was a main sponsor and bought five tables every year. Sports weren’t Adam’s thing, but hey, if one was trying to suck up, might as well do it with flair.
The ballroom was decorated in all black and white, hence the gala’s not-so-subtle theme and name. The two shades of fabrics tented the walls and ceiling, white lights were strung up along the railings of the balcony outside, and chandeliers endowed with black ribbons were lit low giving the room an intimate feel. Even the women were wearing varying shades of black and white gowns, while the mix of generally corporate-looking men and larger-than-life athletes tried to look comfortable in their tuxedos, drinking and talking game and finances.
His dad and stepmother had been giving Adam the cold shoulder most of the night, which he didn’t understand. They had bugged Adam every year to attend, and when he finally did, they were upset with him. It wasn’t his fault he caused a ruckus with the paparazzi. They arrived late hoping to avoid it, but apparently the leeches had nothing better to do tonight.
The boyfriend and the father had been ecstatic, of course, being able to walk down the red carpet with flashes popping in their faces. Making an entrance and having the chance to show off with Adam on his arm in a high-profile setting. Adam was a little annoyed, but it shouldn’t have bothered his dad and stepmother. Adam and his group didn’t really disrupt the festivities. If anything, this event would get more press. It should have been a successful evening, but because of the reaction from his dad, Adam was in a foul mood. So, he decided to reclaim his good mood with the open bar and Johnny Walker Black Label. At least this shindig had incredible alcoholic beverage choices.
Adam had been at the back bar waiting for his next drink when he’d caught sight of the could-be-cute man out of the corner of his eye. He’d raced past the small line at the bar in sharp suit of light gray, a walkie-talkie in his hand and head-set around his neck. The man’s dark brown hair was stylishly mussed and spiked in all the right places, shoulders sturdy and just broad enough to catch his eye.
Adam had grabbed his drink, dropped a few dollars in the tip bowl and stepped away from the bar. The mystery man reminded him of someone, but Adam strained to think of who it would be. He shouldn’t be thinking of other men when he was here with a steady boyfriend. He had changed; he was no longer the guy who chased after every cute stranger that reminded him of Kris. He had moved on…hadn’t he? Pausing with his drink in his hand, he tried to figure out why he wanted to follow this man, why he wanted to see his face.
Adam shook his head, hoping to clear it. Why would he want to follow some member of the event staff? He didn’t even get a clear look at the guy to know if he was attractive or not, much less think it was him. But why had this stranger make him go to that part of his past? He hadn’t thought of Kris at all in the last 10 years, well the last two or three months if he was being honest with himself. Adam put down the drink on the table behind him, still full of amber liquid. He’d obviously had too much to drink, thinking that it would be Kris of all people, here of all places.
Then, suddenly deciding that he hadn’t had enough to drink, he grabbed his glass and walked outside to the balcony. He managed to avoid his father, his boyfriend and several other folks he had gotten chatty with throughout the evening. More lights were strung up on the railings, outlining the length of the open space. Several potted trees created high shadows where people were concealing meetings, conversations and possibly illicit activities.
He found an empty back corner that was slightly darker than the rest of the balcony. Leaning against the granite railing, he slowly sipped the drink. From where he stood, he could make out the Saturday night traffic and the bright lights of the Santa Monica Pier. If he turned to the right, he would be looking towards another stretch of beach. The memories were flooding his head now. Instead of fighting it, he embraced it. He took a large swig of his scotch and let them take over.
Adam turned the now empty glass in his hands, rolling it from the tip of his fingertips on one hand to the base of his palms on the other. He forlornly smiled as the memories assaulted him, keeping him outside for who knows how long. He didn’t know what it was about this stranger who brought up these recollections, but Adam kind of hated him for it. In his half-inebriated state, these nostalgic feelings were alternating between being amazing and painful.
Adam didn’t need to be reminded of how he lost Kris. He didn’t need to remember his feeling of bewilderment when Kris first turned Adam down for an actual date. He didn’t need to relive how he’d let Kris down by essentially running away from their relationship. Adam definitely didn’t need to feel the return of the hollowness of his heart that had yet to be filled since he jumped onto the first flight out of the country.
He was just about to go inside when he spied the stranger slipping through the doors. His face was hidden by the lights and shadows, but Adam unquestionably remembered the tuft of hair and the fit of the suit. While everyone else was wearing black or white, this man wore gray. The walkie-talkie buzzed with static and murmured voices as he made his way into the opposite corner from where Adam stood. It was the corner Adam almost hid away in, but had chosen not to.
Adam watched as the man made his way to the corner with ease, unconcerned about the darkness. He continued to stare at him even as the man disappeared from view, the flip the gray coattails vanishing behind the tall plant.
He moved as if in a trance, unaware of his feet propelling him forward. He didn’t know what compelled him to the stranger, what made him start walking towards the darkened corner. He ignored the clatter of the staff cleaning up around him. He was oblivious that people had started to leave. He was focused on nothing else except making sure he went to the man in the corner.
He regained his senses when a flare disappeared as quickly as it came up, lighting up the dim space. It was a flare from a lighter. Adam smelled cigarette smoke and saw the wisps of smoke floating up in the air above this man. He paused. The Kris he remembered didn’t smoke, so it couldn’t be him. But then again, it had been at least ten years since he’d seen Kris, talked to him, touched him. Adam couldn’t claim to know Kris anymore.
Adam halted a few feet away, looking at the man through the darkness, taking his image in. He was leaning on his elbows, legs crossed at the ankle, and cigarette hand moving up to his mouth. Adam stopped breathing as he stared.
Kris closed his eyes, enjoying the cigarette and the light ocean breeze drifting over the balcony. He heard the shuffle of the staff as they started the dismantling and clean-up process. That meant the party was just about over and that more than half the guests had already left. Kris needed to head back inside, but he hadn’t heard a page for him, so he lingered, enjoying the quiet corner and his nicotine.
The sensation at the back of his neck started up again, stronger than before. Kris yanked at the edge of his hair by his neck. Maybe it was the light wind playing with his hair. He finished the cigarette and grabbed the plastic cup-turned-ashtray to put it out. As he turned, the cup in one hand and the other fumbling with putting the headset back on, he gasped and nearly stumbled.
A tall man stood a few feet from him, face hidden by the lights behind him. He didn’t move, but Kris could tell this man was watching him intently. Kris looked behind the stranger and was slightly comforted that people were still moving around between the main ballroom and the balcony.
Adam had scared him. It hadn’t been his intention. The man kept looking behind his shoulder, whether to find an escape route or for help, he didn’t know. Adam knew he probably seemed intimidating with the long shadow he cast. But, he didn’t want this man to be nervous. Adam didn’t know what to do, so he held his hands up, indicating that he meant no harm.
Adam continued to stare, trying to see into the shadows. That’s when the flashes went off from the cameras of the official event photographers, taking outside photos of guests. The flashes lit up the back corner of where they stood.
Holy shit. It was Kris. It was him. Oh fuck me, Adam thought.
He couldn’t believe his eyes. Adam stepped back to ease Kris’s obvious anxiety. He moved to let the lights from the balcony reveal him to Kris, hands still held high. Kris stopped looking past him and directed his gaze to Adam. Kris took one step forward for each one Adam took backwards. The headset sat askew on Kris’s ear and neck, hand still tightly gripping the cup. They moved together this way until the lights bathed over them both, in full view of the doors and the people inside.
Kris stopped when Adam stopped. Adam saw Kris take a subtle breath, hitch his shoulders back and plaster on a fake smile before looking directly up at him. Adam scowled seeing that smile on Kris. He had seen Kris’s amazing smiles, smiles that lit up his whole face and the world around them. Hell Adam had been on the receiving end of them. This phony, forced smile was not acceptable.
He saw Kris’s breath hitch, and eyes widen as his smile faltered.
Kris felt a little better when this stranger held up his hands. Then the man started moving backwards, as if knowing that if Kris saw his face, Kris might not be as freaked out. Kris kept looking over the man’s shoulder wondering if causing a scene would bring out unnecessary people. As the man stepped back, Kris took a step forward. It was a strange dance, but they moved together seamlessly.
The clean-up crew was still bustling about folding tables and dumping glasses and napkins into carted trays. People were still around, so Kris needed to be careful about causing a commotion. Kris took his eyes away from the activity and noticed the man stopped when they were both in sight of the people inside.
Thinking of him as one of the guests that Kris would have to engage in conversation with, Kris pasted on his fake smile and finally looked up at the man.
His smile faltered, and time stopped. Kris felt his breath stick to his lungs. The hand holding the cup fell, making it fall loudly to the ground. Nicotine-stained brown water and cigarette butts splashed around him.
Adam lowered his arms, but he stayed where he was. The shock rooted them both in place, unable to move, incapable of talking. Kris recovered first, body still trembling. He bent down to grab the cup that had been dropped and wiped the spatter of water from the cuff of his trousers.
Straightening his posture, he walked towards the now-open doors, giving Adam a wide berth of space. He felt a hand clutch his upper arm, stopping him. A streak of heat flared up his arm, causing him dread.
No, no, no, Kris thought. It’s not him, it’s not Adam. It can’t be him. Not here, not now, not ever.
Kris glared up at Adam, then looked down to where he was gripping Kris’s arm. Adam’s grip loosened, but the warmth of Adam’s hand was still branding him. Kris felt Adam move closer. He tried to fight off his own body’s reaction to the familiarity of Adam’s touch.
Dammit, Kris thought. He shouldn’t be able to do this to him. Not after all this time. Not after he worked so hard to forget.
Kris yanked on his arm, getting Adam’s hand off of him then turned to walk away.
Adam ran in front of him, blocking his path. “Wait,” Adam said. “Please.”
Kris shook his head and said angrily, “What?”
Adam stood there shocked. The venom in Kris’s voice was like nothing he’d ever heard before. He opened his mouth to say something-anything-but instead remained frozen.
Kris shot Adam an irritated look then started walking away again. As Adam tried to think of something to say, Kris stopped. Adam’s heart stuttered, thinking maybe…
“I don’t know how the fuck you got in here or what you think you’re doing,” Kris said to Adam, back still turned to him. “But I suggest you get out. I have nothing to say to you, nor do you have anything I want to hear.”
Kris went through the doors and didn’t turn back.
Adam dropped his head, lifting both hands to his neck and hair. He turned where he stood and faced nothing. The blackness of the outdoors enveloped him, not allowing him to move.
Fuck, fuck, FUCK! Adam screamed silently in his head.
Adam continued to lie on the hardwood floor. The beige linen drapes rippled softly as the open windows blew in the cold early morning air. Adam ignored the cold seeping into and over his body and stared up at the ceiling, reviewing the evening in his head.
After dropping off the boyfriend’s father at the hotel, the cold shoulder that greeted Adam as they left the party followed him into the car. Adam knew he had to end whatever this was with the new boy, no point in dragging it on when Adam realized it wasn’t right-again. They had a quiet argument in the car, then a louder one in front of the boy’s apartment complex. Adam was sure it would be in the tabloids by morning. He couldn’t bring himself to care.
Why? Because he saw Kris. Kris, in flesh and blood, had been right there in front of him.
Adam extended and splayed his arm around the floor, patting around until he clasped the corner of his cell phone. He scrambled his fingertips to pull the phone fully into his hand, scrolled through the address book and waited as the call went through.
“Adam!” a sleepy whisper answered. “Are you okay? What’s wrong? It’s almost four in the morning.”
“Did you know he was going to be there dad?”
Adam heard his father’s deep-sated sigh and shuffling. Adam could picture his father run his hand through his hair and struggle to climb out of bed to take the call in the hall.
“Yeah, honey, I did.”
“Why didn’t you warn me?” Adam asked plaintively.
“Why are you calling me now about this son? It couldn’t wait until a decent hour?”
Adam turned on his side, cradling the phone between his ears and a bent arm. He closed his eyes, “I couldn’t sleep.”
Another sigh, “Yes, I knew he’d be there. It’s been his event for the last five years. I- I, uh, actually helped him get the contract. So, every year Qualcomm now sponsors it and has five tables. It’s a great fundraiser and it’s getting bigger every year. You know I’ve asked you to attend every year, but you never did.”
They remained silent for a few heartbeats as Adam thought about what his father just told him. Kris and Eber were in touch. Did that mean Leila and Kris were in contact too? How come Kris was still talking to them? How often? His parents loved Kris, but Adam didn’t expect this.
“You still talk to him? Does mom? Why? How?” Adam sounded lost.
“Don’t do this right now,” Eber murmured softly. “It’s…” he paused. “It’s random and complicated, and a long story. It’s not what you’re thinking.”
Adam felt numb. As he stared ahead, he saw nothing. The room tilted, the ceiling was falling up; his world was collapsing, crushing him, making it hard to think or to breathe.
“Adam,” Eber said. “What do you need? What do you want me to do to help?”
“I don’t know dad,” Adam said, voice cracking. “I don’t know.”
After hanging up, Adam was motionless and cold, but he couldn’t move from his position. He cracked open an eye to check the time. 4:19AM. He hadn’t moved since coming home and collapsing on the floor two hours ago.
Adam finally stretched his arms out, bracing himself against the floor into an awkward half-pushed up, half-sitting position. His head hung down low to his chest, shoulder blades sticking up towards the ceiling. Adam worked his way up off the floor slowly, his body protesting from being motionless and surrounded by cold air for hours. He got up, body working automatically, shedding his clothes as his feet led him into the bathroom to the shower.
After changing into old jeans and a t-shirt, Adam grabbed a jacket and left the house. He wasn’t sure what he was doing, where he was going. He just knew he had to get out.
Kris tossed and turned in the hotel bed. He reached over to the nightstand see the time. 5:32AM. His brain was racing at 100 miles an hour, his body was still shaking. He got up, put on some gym clothes, washed the tired off his face and left the room. If nothing else, Kris would sweat his jitters out and then get ready for the long day ahead of him. The workout and the post-event activities would keep him from re-living the nightmare of last night over and over.
Kris attacked the treadmill first. Adam fucking Lambert. Of course that’s who showed up and caused the ruckus with the paparazzi. That’s why Eber and Jenna were avoiding him all night. That’s who Sheila had been thinking of setting Kris up with. The entire night, Kris knew something was going on and yet he had been too dumb and blind to see it. After all these years, Adam decided to show up and turn his world upside down-again.
Ten years. Kris got off the treadmill, taped up his knuckles and attacked the punching bag in the corner. Ten fucking years and Adam decided to waltz back into his life. He became the huge superstar he’d always wanted to be, the superstar Kris always knew Adam could be.
He punched the bag hard and fast. The sweat that dotted his body was now flowing in rivulets from all of his pores, drenching his face and body, but Kris couldn’t stop. He pounded harder and faster, kicked the bag callously, hoping to exorcise the demons that came crawling out of his head.
Too tired to move his arms or legs any more, Kris moved to the corner of the room and collapsed onto the floor. Wrapping the towel around his head, he released the tears that had threatened to spill out for the last six hours. As the last of his tears subsided, Kris leaned his head back against the wall. He grabbed a new towel to wipe off the excess tears and sweat. He sat for a few more minutes as he got himself together. He finally stood up to rinse his face from the faucet. Kris yanked at his sweat-drenched shirt as he exited the doors of the gym when he bumped into a hard body.
Instead of falling back, strong hands grabbed Kris by the shoulders to steady him. Kris looked into Adam’s concerned face before he scowled and wrangled out of his grip. Kris took a step back to maneuver around Adam to get to the elevator banks.
Adam reached out again, but Kris managed to avoid him.
“Kris,” Adam said softly. “I really want to talk to you.”
Kris repeatedly pressed the up button to the elevator, ignoring him. Adam walked up behind him and covered Kris’s fingers that continued to push the lit button on the panel.
“I know you don’t want to see me or talk to me,” Adam whispered. “But I-, I-…I’m sorry.”
Kris pulled his hand away. The contact made his body recall Adam’s touches again. The workout was now for naught. The elevator wouldn’t open quickly enough, and Kris didn’t want to walk up eight flights of stairs back to his room. He turned to Adam. Adam was dressed down in faded black jeans, a well-worn Culture Club t-shirt, one of his standard leather jackets and had sunglasses hanging off the collar. He was staring alternately between Kris’s face and his chest where the damp shirt was still sticking.
Kris took a deep breath and tried not to glare at him, “I have nothing to say to you. You’re sorry, fine. Now get the hell out of my life. You did it once before, it shouldn’t be that hard to walk away again.”
Adam sighed and leaned against the space between the two elevator banks. He put his hands in his back pockets and looked down at his feet.
“I just need to talk to you,” he said, finally looking at Kris. “I-, I didn’t mean. Shit. Kris, can we go somewhere to talk? I don’t want to do this here.” Adam waved one hand around to indicate the public space. “Please?”
It was a quiet plea. One that Kris couldn’t ignore.
The elevator door finally opened. Kris grunted, “Fine.”
Adam moved in behind Kris into the elevator car and promptly stood in the corner. He watched Kris angrily push the button for the 11th floor. They waited in silence as the tiny dings marked their way to the upper levels.
Kris walked down the hallway, knowing Adam was at his back, following silently. Apparently Adam still knew that when he was in this mood and anything resembling trite small talk ensued, Kris would just punch him, whether or not the man was now famous.
He slipped in the key card and opened the door. He pointed to the living room of the suite, “Order some coffee and sit. I’ll be right out.” Kris closed the adjoining door between the living room and bedroom, not looking back to see if Adam listened.
Adam sighed. He was sighing a lot. This was not going as he thought it would. After leaving his house, he drove up PCH and debated stopping at his regular coffee shop. But instead he found himself turning the car around and driving back down PCH towards Santa Monica. It was useless. He made his way back to the hotel where the event was, where Kris was staying.
He didn’t know if Kris would see him or even talk to him. He had hoped, but hadn’t been counting on it. Adam had sat in the car until the sun started rising. Through some discreet inquiries at the front desk and a few bribes, Adam knew what room Kris was in, but thought it would be a bad idea to just show up to the room and surprise him. But he didn’t know what else to do. He wanted to catch Kris before he left the hotel. He was on the way up when the elevator stopped on the third floor for another guest and Adam saw Kris through the windows of the hotel gym. Adam had scrambled out and decided to wait.
Having Kris run into him-literally-nearly did Adam in. Touching Kris’s body, even for those few precious moments, the way Kris’s wet shirt molded his arms and chest, the excess water still dropping from his hair. It took everything in Adam to stop himself from grabbing Kris again, dragging him back into a corner of the hotel gym and licking his way down Kris’s body. Adam held in a groan and tried to get the image out of his head. Having an erection while trying to talk to Kris would not be a good idea.
Instead he focused on pacing nervously in the small suite. He had ordered coffee and a few pastries, knowing Kris’s penchant for sweets after working out. Adam smiled as his fingers ghosted over the various items Kris left haphazardly around the room-reading glasses, his laptop, the suit jacket from last night’s event.
He paused when he heard the shower go on, and instead of almost touching the jacket, he flopped onto the couch. It would be a good 20 minutes before Kris appeared. Plenty of time to mull over what to say and how to say it.
Kris hadn’t changed much over the years. Yes, he was older, but the years actually made him better looking. And seeing his body beneath the damp shirt only proved to Adam that Kris was in better shape than he had been before. But it was Kris’s eyes that had Adam gnaw at his lips between his teeth. He couldn’t tell last night, but this morning, the deep brown eyes that glowed and glimmered with life and mischief weren’t there. Kris’s eyes looked lifeless, blank. There were flashes of anger, but those were the only signs of emotion Adam saw. His face seemed almost static, as if he didn’t know how to smile anymore. That, too, would be Adam’s fault.
Adam ran his hands through his hair, yanking on it. The Fates were being either overly cruel bitches or thought it was time for Adam to get his shit together. Naturally, he would run into Kris after meeting the new boy’s parents. Of course, Kris had to look hotter than he ever had, having added muscle to his already amazing body, hair slightly longer and messy, the way Adam always loved, and he seemed to know how to dress to maximum effect. And as expected, Kris was still feeling the hurt; Adam just hadn’t realized how deep the anger ran. He leaned back into the couch, spreading his arms against the back. He wanted to make this right. He had to.
In the end, though, all Adam knew was that it would take everything he had in him not to pull Kris into his arms and hold him and not let go. Adam quirked his mouth, like Kris would even let him close enough to hold. It was what Adam deserved. He sunk back into the cushions, closed his eyes and waited.
Kris let the hot water spray down on him, easing the muscles he had overtaxed from the punching bag earlier. Though, if he was honest with himself, he was trying to relax from seeing Adam again so soon. He hadn’t expected Adam to come around or if he did, Kris thought it would be later after partying all night. And by then, Kris would be free and clear and away from the hotel. Kris sighed; Adam still managed to surprise him.
He walked out of the bathroom, a trail of steam following him out, towel wrapped around his waist. He scrubbed his hair with a smaller towel and looked at the clock on the bedside table. 7:02AM. He palmed his face and debated whether or not to shave. Fuck it, he thought. Better Adam not think he was trying too hard. Putting on a pair of boxers, jeans and a t-shirt, Kris heard the knock of room-service. Just in time, he was going to need the caffeine to get through the next few minutes.
The smell of coffee greeted him as Kris opened the door leading to the living room of the suite. Seeing Adam pouring the coffee and setting the cream and sugar aside made Kris smile in spite of himself.
Adam looked up. Their eyes met, heating the room around them. Adam straightened and looked like he was debating moving towards Kris. Kris eradicated the moment by moving to the windows and drawing the curtains open. He stood there looking out at the ocean. The same ocean that brought them together all those years ago. He heard the clinking of a spoon, Adam was stirring in the sugar. Kris had to laugh.
“I really hate you, you know,” Kris said. He kept looking out of the windows, not turning to face Adam. It was easier this way.
“I know,” Adam replied back. “I actually hate myself too.”
Kris nodded to himself. “Why are you here?”
Adam sat back down and stared at Kris’s back. Taking a big gulp of the lukewarm coffee, he paused. “I told you Kris, I wanted to talk to you. I needed…” Adam’s voice trailed off.
Kris finally turned around. “You needed what?” He leaned against the windows and crossed his arms. He watched as Adam put the coffee mug down and play with the rim with his fingers.
“I needed to see you,” Adam started. He saw Kris open his mouth to talk, but held up a hand. “Please…Kris, let me finish.”
Kris nodded, but didn’t relax. He stared at Adam and waited.
Adam sighed deeply and ran his fingers through his hair, making the ends stand up higher, defying gravity even more. As much as it pained Kris to think it, he wanted to run his hands through Adam’s hair again, feel the softness of it as Adam’s body covered his. Kris felt his hands twitch and fisted them tightly against his body.
“This is something I should have done years ago,” Adam started. “I fucked up and didn’t know how to fix it. Every time I picked up the phone or started to write you a note, an email, I just…” Adam stopped, his body betraying the confusion of what he was trying to say. “I didn’t know how to unfuck my fuck up. I shouldn’t have run away like that. I shouldn’t have stayed away. I should have called or something. I-, I…” Adam paused and took another deep breath. The silence in the room filling up space as Kris waited for him to continue.
Adam suddenly stood up and started pacing the small room. He looked over at Kris, who remained unmoving. Adam saw the closed off look on Kris’s face. His expression betrayed nothing, Adam’s stuttering apology not affecting him in any way. Adam’s level of patience with both himself and Kris was treading thin. He stalked over to where Kris stood, planting himself in front of him, arms encircling his head, looming over him.
Kris looked into Adam’s ice blue eyes. They were tortured, in pain. He felt himself melt, but berated himself as he thought back on the pain and tears he’d spent over Adam. The hurt and betrayal and absence of all those years. Adam had gone off to be the superstar, while Kris had spent the first few months in pain and crying; and the last few years putting the pieces of his life and broken heart back together again.
Dammit, he was in a good and happy place now, so naturally the tsunami that was Adam Lambert would come roaring back into his life without warning.
He stood stoically between Adam’s outstretched arms and just stared at the man who was his everything for nearly three years. It took everything Kris had to stand still and not launch himself at Adam. Memories of their bodies touching, skin on skin, flooded Kris’s brain. The not-so-innocent touches on backs, waists and shoulders; fingertips stroking behind the ears; lying in bed next to each other on weekends; holding each other.
Adam had consumed him from the moment they met at the beachside party until the night he disappeared. Now he was back and Kris was trying hard to tamp down his emotions. One part of him wanted to beat the living shit out of Adam, to show Adam the physical pain he had put him through. The other part wanted to devour Adam from head to toe because Kris missed the physicality and connection they had.
Breaking the silence, Kris deadpanned, “Is that all?”
Kris knew he was being an asshole, but he couldn’t help it. All the hurt came bubbling back up, and it was a cauldron he couldn’t turn down. He decided to embrace it and unleash his fury on the man who caused it.
Adam dropped his head, forehead precariously close to Kris’s. He sighed deeply and gathered his strength. His hand went to touch Kris’s face, but Kris turned away. Undeterred, Adam placed his hand gently on Kris’s cheek. He felt Kris go still. But he brushed his thumb back and forth, reveling in the contradictory softness of the skin and the coarseness of the stubble. His thumb traced the corner of Kris’s lips, feeling Kris’s body start to tremble. Adam repeated the motion, cheek to lips, lips to cheek, feeling Kris’s body soften.
It had been too long since Adam felt like this. Too long since the simple touch of someone’s face could make him feel warm and happy. Too long since he had touched Kris. Adam lowered himself to get closer, to inhale Kris again. He felt alive again.
Kris felt his resolve waver as his breathing got choppy. The warmth of Adam’s hand caressing his face, the unique scent he carried in him. Memories were flooding into Kris’s head. Adam’s smiles, his laughter, his touch. Shaking Adam’s hand off, Kris ducked beneath the outstretched arm.
He scrambled across the room and breathed hard. “What. Do. You Want.” Kris demanded. “You wanted to talk, so fucking talk. You want to apologize, fine. You apologized a few times now if I’m remembering correctly. Guess what? Apology accepted. Is that what you want? Fine. Done and done…But you can’t do this. You can’t just burst back into my life and do this to me. You can’t…I can’t…” Kris broke off his rant with a hitched sob.
Adam leaned in against the window where Kris had stood and listened to Kris’s voice crack as he gritted out the words. Then the door to the bedroom slammed shut. Adam wanted to punch the window, the wall. He would give anything at this moment to have Kris in his arms one more time, to feel Kris’s lips against his own. Adam cursed and screamed silently to himself, banging his head against the wall in front of him.
Inhaling deeply, Adam turned and staggered to the door. The slam of it echoed in his head. The door was now a physical and emotional barrier that separated them. The chasm was wider than ever. Adam pressed his forehead and right hand to the door. He wasn’t sure how long he stood like that.
“Kris,” Adam whispered. “I don’t know how to tell you how much I’ve missed you…how much I…how sorry I am…about everything. I’ve never stopped…” Adam pulled a thumb drive from the jacket pocket and slipped it under the door. He hoped Kris would see it.
Adam left the hotel quickly, sunglasses on. A thick fog rolled in as he drove out of the parking lot and headed home. He wanted to just curl up in his bed, throw the covers over his head and nurse this heartache. He didn’t think it was possible, but it hurt more now than it did all those years ago.
His eyes blurred as he pulled into the garage. Pulling out the keys, Adam struggled to get the door open, tears distorting the key hole. Finally pushing through, he dropped the keys and jacket onto the floor, toed off his boots and left a trail as he tottered through the kitchen. Pulling his shirt up to wipe off the tears, Adam didn’t notice his mom sitting in the living room.
“Adam,” she said as she stood up, startling him.
Adam lowered his shirt from his face and didn’t move. Tears were spilling down his cheeks faster than before. Leila ran over to him and enveloped him in a hug, pulling him back to the couch. Leila sat and put Adam’s head on her lap. His body curled into her, taking comfort. He started to shake, the hurt extending from his heart to his entire body.
“Mom, it hurts…” he whimpered. “Why does it hurt so much? Make it go away…”
Kris sat on the couch in his living room and played with the thumb drive, twirling it between his fingers. He leaned back on the cushions and raised it to the ceiling. He wasn’t sure what was on it and didn’t know if he wanted to open it and see. His laptop was open and ready to receive whatever was on it, but Kris had yet to take the leap. He had heard it being slid under the door, but didn’t get up to retrieve it. Kris waited until he heard the suite door close.
In the two weeks since he had seen Adam, hand-written notes and invitations for another meeting came daily. When Kris didn’t respond, the small gifts arrived: a necklace made with a vintage guitar pick, a signed copy of sheet music from Bruce Springsteen, a limited edition Pez dispenser with a Bugs Bunny head, a miniature limited edition stuffed cow from Chik-Fil-A. Of course Adam had found out where he lived. He had people now. At least these things weren’t being delivered to his office. It was bad enough that his staff was still talking about that evening and how amazing Adam was. Kris was also pretty sure Adam had his cell number too, but was grateful the calls didn’t come.
Kris dropped the thumb drive next to his laptop and got up. He grabbed his cell phone, jacket and keys and left the house. He had a standing brunch date with Megan and her partner Stacy. He hadn’t told Megan about his encounter with Adam and wasn’t sure he was going to even bring it up. As soon as he entered the diner, Stacy jumped on his back.
“You little shit,” she shrieked into his ear. Kris cringed and tried to hang onto Stacy’s legs so they wouldn’t topple to the ground. “That hot piece of ass was at your event and you didn’t tell us?”
Megan laughed and grabbed Kris’s hand and led them to their corner booth, Kris carrying Stacy on his back. He nodded his greetings to the diner’s manager and waitresses, who silently raised their chins back in acknowledgement. At least this display wasn’t out of the norm for them, while the other patrons looked on in curiosity.
Kris eased into his side of the booth when Stacy finally slid off his back. Megan pushed Stacy into their seat.
“Let him talk,” Megan scolded. “I’m sure he’s got a reason he didn’t tell us immediately, and we had to find out through the tabloids, right Kris?” Megan gave him knowing look. She had been there when Kris’s world fell apart, but Stacy didn’t know his and Adam’s sordid history.
Kris made a face. “It kind of slipped my mind,” he said.
“Kind of ‘slipped your mind’?” Stacy squawked. “He’s the epitome of fabulous Kris! His voice! His confidence! Oh my god…his face! If I were a boy, shit, I’d have been ALL over him as soon as he walked through that door!”
Kris made a face and said snidely, “Well, I didn’t see him until the end of the night. I was kind of busy, you know, running the event and all.”
Megan interrupted, “Hey let’s order our food. I’m starving.”
They ate and talked enthusiastically, as if they hadn’t seen each other for months instead of weeks. Megan steering clear the conversation each time it ventured towards Adam Lambert. She noticed Kris’s veiled grimace each time Stacy unknowingly brought up Adam’s name. Megan couldn’t blame Stacy, she was a huge fan and now knowing that someone in their circle had the chance to meet Adam? Yeah, she was over the moon. But, Megan also knew the sordid saga and flinched every time Kris’s smile faltered.
“Aw shit,” Stacy cried out. “I’m going to be late. Promised I’d do the afternoon shift today. Kris, I didn’t mean to give you shit, you know that, right?”
Kris smiled and nodded, “It’s okay.”
Stacy playfully shoved Megan out of the booth and stood at the end of the table, “Kisses and all that.” She leaned over to Megan and kissed her cheek. “I’ll see you later at home, babe.” With that Stacy skipped out of the restaurant, her black and red hair flying behind her.
As they watched Stacy leave, Kris threw a napkin onto his still full plate and slumped down into the seat.
Megan carefully spooned more sugar into her coffee and waited. She looked over at Kris as he played with the buttons of his plaid shirt, then fiddled with the utensils, then grabbed a clean napkin and started tearing the edges.
“That bad, huh?” Megan finally stated. She reached out and grabbed Kris’s hands to stop him from tearing the napkins into tinier pieces.
“If I was prepared, I think I would have handled it better,” Kris admitted. “He just showed up to the event, and how the hell I didn’t know he was going to be there is still beyond me. Then I ran into him at the end of the event, and I was too shocked to say anything. He wanted to talk, but really? There of all places, you know? Then he showed up at the hotel the next morning…”
“Wait, what?”
“He came back to the hotel. I’m guessing he went wherever because he had changed, had no make-up on. And, me…I-…I couldn’t sleep. I pretty much tossed and turned all night, so eventually I figure I hit the gym, right? Wear myself down and maybe get a couple of hours of sleep before I check out. But then, I ran into him by the elevators…um, literally,” Kris shrugged.
This time Megan leaned back and slumped into her seat. She stared hard at Kris.
He cringed under her glare, “What?”
“Wow. And what time was this?”
Kris lifted a shoulder, “Dunno, like six in the morning or something? What ‘wow?’”
“He’s a rock star, should have been up all night partying or whatever. But instead comes looking for you at six in the morning? That ‘wow.’ How’d he…? Never mind.”
They sat in silence again, sipping coffee as the waitresses called out orders around them. Megan sat up, “So, what are you going to do now?”
Kris sighed, “Dunno. I- I thought I was over it…him. But him being there, here…I. Fuck, Megan, I don’t know. Part of me wanted to punch that perfect nose of his while the other part of me almost threw myself at him. I hate him.”
“But you’re still in love with him.”
Kris’s crestfallen face look down into his lap, “Yeah, I think I am.”
“This is a problem then, isn’t it?” Megan said softly. “I mean, I know...” She cleared her throat. “I’m going to play devil’s advocate here, okay? So just listen and don’t get mad.” She waited for his nod. “It’s been ten years sweetie. You haven’t heard shit from him. No note, no call, no nothing. I was there. I saw you two together, and I saw how it just broke you. You don’t play music anymore. You don’t teach anymore. Hell, you don’t do anything that has to do with music. Yeah, you remade yourself into a hell of an event planner, but he sucked the joy out of you when you left. Are you sure you want to step back into what you left behind?”
“I don’t know if there’s anything to step back into, to tell you the truth.”
“Honey, he showed up at six in the morning to find you at the hotel,” Megan exhaled. “He’s been single all these years, with a different boy toy on his arm and never settled down. Have you noticed how all of them look like you? I don’t think he’s over you.”
“I thought you were playing devil’s advocate and trying to keep me from going back,” Kris pouted.
“I’m just pointing out all the angles,” she explained. “Remember, I’ve seen you two together, and I’ve seen you without him. You two together actually gave me hope about finding love, and I did with Stacy. But then seeing you after…I actually don’t know what I’m trying to say. But, it’s essentially this.” Megan straightened up and grabbed Kris’s hands. She forced him to meet her eyes. “If you still have feelings for him, and if I’m not mistaken, he is just as much still in love with you, think about taking that chance again. Nope, let me finish,” she said gripping his hands tighter.
“What you guys had-or even still have-is amazing. Not just to me, but ask any of us. After he disappeared, you never talked about it. I know your folks hate him. Shit, from what I can tell even his parents hate him.” Megan paused. “Essentially, what I’m trying to say, I guess, is this. If there are still feelings…are you going to regret-well, everything?”
Kris studied her hands gripping his. This was too much. It had been two weeks, but he couldn’t put it out of his mind. He kept seeing Adam in every stranger, heard his songs on the radio, saw his face on magazine covers. He didn’t know what he was going to do. Over the last five years, Kris made serious changes to his life. He changed his career, he let go of music, he started dating casually, but still there was something missing. There was always something missing.
“I don’t know,” he finally whispered.
~~continued~~
PART III
Type: AU, Angst/Romance
Rating: NC-17
Characters/Pairings: Kris Allen/Adam Lambert
PART II
10 years later (present day)
Santa Monica, CA
The two-way radio earpiece was looped around Kris’s right earlobe loosely and buzzed with activity from around the ballroom. Several members of the security team joked about the paparazzi out front while the caterer was giving last-minute instructions to the wait staff.
The rooftop ballroom glowed with soft white lights that were strung up around the windows and trees. Strategically placed lamps ensured guests wouldn't bump into tables, chairs or each other.
The audio and video equipment were secured close to the podium and positioned around the room so everyone could see and hear the presentation and speeches later.
Kris looked around and smiled slightly. The annual “Full Court Press Black & White Ball” for Devon Brown was all set. Tonight, the ballroom would be full of corporate sponsors, team colleagues, family, friends and a dozen college-bound students from local Los Angeles area high schools awaiting news of their scholarships. Devon and his wife would be the toast of the town again. They always were. Kris made sure of it.
It was a cool March evening in Santa Monica. The floor-to-ceiling windows would be opened when the room started getting stuffy. The ocean breeze off the Pacific adding a nice touch, as long as it stayed mildly breezy as it did now.
Kris placed the earpiece back into his ear and picked up the wire to page his event manager.
“Hey Joanie, things are all good in the room, so I'm going to head to my room to change. Do you need time to change?”
“Sure thing. And, no, I just got back. All gussied up and ready to roll,” Joanie laughed into the transmitter. “I'm in the back with catering, so let me know when you're back.”
Kris replied, “Okay, okay. Shouldn't take me more than 15 minutes.”
Joan sighed, “Honey, you have to look amazing, so take your time. I got things here so don't worry about it.”
“Yeah, yeah,” Kris replied back. “Page or call me if you need anything. Daniel and his team should be up in about an hour. Can you check on the hallway and make sure the banners and signage are up where they should be? Make sure that the carpet is clear and all that, oh, and make sure the paps are reined in. We’re supposed to have some surprise celebs here tonight. Other than that, I'll check in when I’m done and on my way back.”
“Ten-four, boss,” came the quick reply.
Kris took the earpiece out and quickly yanked the radio headset and pack from waistband of his jeans. He headed to the elevator to the room to freshen up and put on his suit. He sighed; he hated surprises.
The party was in full swing as Kris walked around the ballroom for another check. Utensils clinked, while laughter and murmurs filled the room. He secured his earpiece and adjusted radio pack that was hooked in the waistband of his slacks. The various wires and electronic monitoring items weighed him down as he walked carefully along the edges of the outer tables. The heels of his shoes clicking lightly on the hardwood floors.
“Kris,” a voice buzzed in. “Can you come to the blue room?”
“Be there in two minutes,” Kris paged back. He smiled as he passed a table of guests.
Kris made his way to the “blue” room. He and his staff named it because of the striking but uncomfortable blue plastic furniture that filled the small back room…Ikea meets The Munsters goth at its worst.
“Kris, sweetie,” came the coo from around the door.
Sheila Brown approached Kris with her arms open for a hug. Kris fell into them with a matching large hug. “How’s Hollywood’s most amazing event planner tonight?” Sheila stood back to assess Kris. “And just gorgeous as always. How you manage to look amazing and work these events is beyond me.”
Kris blushed and laughed, “Sheila, stop. Anyway, how come you’re back here instead of at your table?” Kris looked around for a clock. “You and Devon are supposed to be up at the podium in 15 minutes.”
Sheila sat gracefully on the blue plastic couch. Dressed in a deep red Grecian style dress with a train that extended the length of the couch, her light brown skin glowed amidst the delicate sequins of the designer gown. She patted her chignon and jokingly pouted. “I know, I know. But Devon was talking about the stock market again, so I figured I could get away for a minute or two. Besides, at least here I can pretend to be a part of the event.”
Smiling, Kris sat down next to Sheila. The hardness of the plastic smacked into his backside with a thwack. “Ugh,” Kris groaned, “I hate the furniture in this room.”
“Yes,” Sheila laughed. “Just to make the chairs out there…” she pointed out, “feel actually comfortable in comparison.”
“So, I was wondering,” Sheila said slyly. “I need to know your type.”
Kris looked up shocked. “Wha-,” cleared his throat, “What?”
Sheila leaned in and started to whisper. “There might be a certain gentleman outside that I might want to introduce you to. But before I do, I want to make sure that A, you’re available and B, what your type is. Otherwise, I won’t bother wasting everyone’s time darling.”
Kris blushed again, shook his head. “Sheila,” he stammered. “I appreciate it, but really, you don’t…”
“Of course I don’t,” she interrupted. “But he’s just SO fabulous and sweet. And you, honey, are just as amazing and adorable. Plus, he’s a singer, and I know you still dabble in music…”
Joanie popped her head into the room, “Boss, mini-crisis in the kitchen.”
Relieved, Kris jumped up off the seat. “Sheila, you need to head to your table and get ready for the presentation.”
Kris stepped outside onto the balcony of the ballroom. The ocean air stirred the tall potted plants lightly. He looked around to find the secluded area pre-planned as his hideaway and pulled the cell phone out of one jacket pocket and a cigarette and lighter from the other. As he dialed, Kris lit the cigarette and inhaled, waiting for the call to go through.
He leaned against the railing of the balcony, feeling the coolness of the iron seep into the sleeves of his jacket and shirt.
“Answer, ya bitch,” he muttered.
Finally, “Bitch, this better be important,” growled the response on the other end. “Why do you need to call me on a date night? Are you really that bored at the ball?”
Kris exhaled, “Yeah, yeah…and it’s not a date night. You two are sprawled on the couch watching a bad movie.”
A deep-seated sigh, “Yeah, true. You okay there sweetie? You hardly ever call when you’ve got an event.”
“I’m okay,” Kris replied. “Just a weird feeling tonight for some reason.”
“Weird how? Like something about to go wrong weird? Earthquake weird?”
Kris laughed, “Megan, always so dramatic. No, nothing like that. Just weird weird. Like someone is watching me, but I know that’s not right because it’s a party and everyone is looking at everyone else. I don’t know. Just something feels funny, like something is going to happen, but I can’t prevent it, you know?”
Megan groaned, “I think you’re just antsy because this little bitty event has grown so big in the last couple of years. And you, mister, are the one who did it.”
“Hardly,” Kris denied, shaking his head. “I just figured I’d call you and you’d put me in my place, call me crazy and I’ll be fine.”
Giggles filled the line, “You’re crazy, and you’ll be fine Kris. Go back to the party and try to enjoy yourself.”
At first Adam thought he was seeing a ghost from his past, a vision speeding by him with efficiency. This annual gala thing wasn’t something he would normally be seen at, but he decided to attend at the last minute. He was trying to make a good impression with his new boyfriend’s father. The man was a huge basketball fan. It was easy, of course, to get tickets to this now high-profile event, as his father’s company was a main sponsor and bought five tables every year. Sports weren’t Adam’s thing, but hey, if one was trying to suck up, might as well do it with flair.
The ballroom was decorated in all black and white, hence the gala’s not-so-subtle theme and name. The two shades of fabrics tented the walls and ceiling, white lights were strung up along the railings of the balcony outside, and chandeliers endowed with black ribbons were lit low giving the room an intimate feel. Even the women were wearing varying shades of black and white gowns, while the mix of generally corporate-looking men and larger-than-life athletes tried to look comfortable in their tuxedos, drinking and talking game and finances.
His dad and stepmother had been giving Adam the cold shoulder most of the night, which he didn’t understand. They had bugged Adam every year to attend, and when he finally did, they were upset with him. It wasn’t his fault he caused a ruckus with the paparazzi. They arrived late hoping to avoid it, but apparently the leeches had nothing better to do tonight.
The boyfriend and the father had been ecstatic, of course, being able to walk down the red carpet with flashes popping in their faces. Making an entrance and having the chance to show off with Adam on his arm in a high-profile setting. Adam was a little annoyed, but it shouldn’t have bothered his dad and stepmother. Adam and his group didn’t really disrupt the festivities. If anything, this event would get more press. It should have been a successful evening, but because of the reaction from his dad, Adam was in a foul mood. So, he decided to reclaim his good mood with the open bar and Johnny Walker Black Label. At least this shindig had incredible alcoholic beverage choices.
Adam had been at the back bar waiting for his next drink when he’d caught sight of the could-be-cute man out of the corner of his eye. He’d raced past the small line at the bar in sharp suit of light gray, a walkie-talkie in his hand and head-set around his neck. The man’s dark brown hair was stylishly mussed and spiked in all the right places, shoulders sturdy and just broad enough to catch his eye.
Adam had grabbed his drink, dropped a few dollars in the tip bowl and stepped away from the bar. The mystery man reminded him of someone, but Adam strained to think of who it would be. He shouldn’t be thinking of other men when he was here with a steady boyfriend. He had changed; he was no longer the guy who chased after every cute stranger that reminded him of Kris. He had moved on…hadn’t he? Pausing with his drink in his hand, he tried to figure out why he wanted to follow this man, why he wanted to see his face.
Adam shook his head, hoping to clear it. Why would he want to follow some member of the event staff? He didn’t even get a clear look at the guy to know if he was attractive or not, much less think it was him. But why had this stranger make him go to that part of his past? He hadn’t thought of Kris at all in the last 10 years, well the last two or three months if he was being honest with himself. Adam put down the drink on the table behind him, still full of amber liquid. He’d obviously had too much to drink, thinking that it would be Kris of all people, here of all places.
Then, suddenly deciding that he hadn’t had enough to drink, he grabbed his glass and walked outside to the balcony. He managed to avoid his father, his boyfriend and several other folks he had gotten chatty with throughout the evening. More lights were strung up on the railings, outlining the length of the open space. Several potted trees created high shadows where people were concealing meetings, conversations and possibly illicit activities.
He found an empty back corner that was slightly darker than the rest of the balcony. Leaning against the granite railing, he slowly sipped the drink. From where he stood, he could make out the Saturday night traffic and the bright lights of the Santa Monica Pier. If he turned to the right, he would be looking towards another stretch of beach. The memories were flooding his head now. Instead of fighting it, he embraced it. He took a large swig of his scotch and let them take over.
Adam turned the now empty glass in his hands, rolling it from the tip of his fingertips on one hand to the base of his palms on the other. He forlornly smiled as the memories assaulted him, keeping him outside for who knows how long. He didn’t know what it was about this stranger who brought up these recollections, but Adam kind of hated him for it. In his half-inebriated state, these nostalgic feelings were alternating between being amazing and painful.
Adam didn’t need to be reminded of how he lost Kris. He didn’t need to remember his feeling of bewilderment when Kris first turned Adam down for an actual date. He didn’t need to relive how he’d let Kris down by essentially running away from their relationship. Adam definitely didn’t need to feel the return of the hollowness of his heart that had yet to be filled since he jumped onto the first flight out of the country.
He was just about to go inside when he spied the stranger slipping through the doors. His face was hidden by the lights and shadows, but Adam unquestionably remembered the tuft of hair and the fit of the suit. While everyone else was wearing black or white, this man wore gray. The walkie-talkie buzzed with static and murmured voices as he made his way into the opposite corner from where Adam stood. It was the corner Adam almost hid away in, but had chosen not to.
Adam watched as the man made his way to the corner with ease, unconcerned about the darkness. He continued to stare at him even as the man disappeared from view, the flip the gray coattails vanishing behind the tall plant.
He moved as if in a trance, unaware of his feet propelling him forward. He didn’t know what compelled him to the stranger, what made him start walking towards the darkened corner. He ignored the clatter of the staff cleaning up around him. He was oblivious that people had started to leave. He was focused on nothing else except making sure he went to the man in the corner.
He regained his senses when a flare disappeared as quickly as it came up, lighting up the dim space. It was a flare from a lighter. Adam smelled cigarette smoke and saw the wisps of smoke floating up in the air above this man. He paused. The Kris he remembered didn’t smoke, so it couldn’t be him. But then again, it had been at least ten years since he’d seen Kris, talked to him, touched him. Adam couldn’t claim to know Kris anymore.
Adam halted a few feet away, looking at the man through the darkness, taking his image in. He was leaning on his elbows, legs crossed at the ankle, and cigarette hand moving up to his mouth. Adam stopped breathing as he stared.
Kris closed his eyes, enjoying the cigarette and the light ocean breeze drifting over the balcony. He heard the shuffle of the staff as they started the dismantling and clean-up process. That meant the party was just about over and that more than half the guests had already left. Kris needed to head back inside, but he hadn’t heard a page for him, so he lingered, enjoying the quiet corner and his nicotine.
The sensation at the back of his neck started up again, stronger than before. Kris yanked at the edge of his hair by his neck. Maybe it was the light wind playing with his hair. He finished the cigarette and grabbed the plastic cup-turned-ashtray to put it out. As he turned, the cup in one hand and the other fumbling with putting the headset back on, he gasped and nearly stumbled.
A tall man stood a few feet from him, face hidden by the lights behind him. He didn’t move, but Kris could tell this man was watching him intently. Kris looked behind the stranger and was slightly comforted that people were still moving around between the main ballroom and the balcony.
Adam had scared him. It hadn’t been his intention. The man kept looking behind his shoulder, whether to find an escape route or for help, he didn’t know. Adam knew he probably seemed intimidating with the long shadow he cast. But, he didn’t want this man to be nervous. Adam didn’t know what to do, so he held his hands up, indicating that he meant no harm.
Adam continued to stare, trying to see into the shadows. That’s when the flashes went off from the cameras of the official event photographers, taking outside photos of guests. The flashes lit up the back corner of where they stood.
Holy shit. It was Kris. It was him. Oh fuck me, Adam thought.
He couldn’t believe his eyes. Adam stepped back to ease Kris’s obvious anxiety. He moved to let the lights from the balcony reveal him to Kris, hands still held high. Kris stopped looking past him and directed his gaze to Adam. Kris took one step forward for each one Adam took backwards. The headset sat askew on Kris’s ear and neck, hand still tightly gripping the cup. They moved together this way until the lights bathed over them both, in full view of the doors and the people inside.
Kris stopped when Adam stopped. Adam saw Kris take a subtle breath, hitch his shoulders back and plaster on a fake smile before looking directly up at him. Adam scowled seeing that smile on Kris. He had seen Kris’s amazing smiles, smiles that lit up his whole face and the world around them. Hell Adam had been on the receiving end of them. This phony, forced smile was not acceptable.
He saw Kris’s breath hitch, and eyes widen as his smile faltered.
Kris felt a little better when this stranger held up his hands. Then the man started moving backwards, as if knowing that if Kris saw his face, Kris might not be as freaked out. Kris kept looking over the man’s shoulder wondering if causing a scene would bring out unnecessary people. As the man stepped back, Kris took a step forward. It was a strange dance, but they moved together seamlessly.
The clean-up crew was still bustling about folding tables and dumping glasses and napkins into carted trays. People were still around, so Kris needed to be careful about causing a commotion. Kris took his eyes away from the activity and noticed the man stopped when they were both in sight of the people inside.
Thinking of him as one of the guests that Kris would have to engage in conversation with, Kris pasted on his fake smile and finally looked up at the man.
His smile faltered, and time stopped. Kris felt his breath stick to his lungs. The hand holding the cup fell, making it fall loudly to the ground. Nicotine-stained brown water and cigarette butts splashed around him.
Adam lowered his arms, but he stayed where he was. The shock rooted them both in place, unable to move, incapable of talking. Kris recovered first, body still trembling. He bent down to grab the cup that had been dropped and wiped the spatter of water from the cuff of his trousers.
Straightening his posture, he walked towards the now-open doors, giving Adam a wide berth of space. He felt a hand clutch his upper arm, stopping him. A streak of heat flared up his arm, causing him dread.
No, no, no, Kris thought. It’s not him, it’s not Adam. It can’t be him. Not here, not now, not ever.
Kris glared up at Adam, then looked down to where he was gripping Kris’s arm. Adam’s grip loosened, but the warmth of Adam’s hand was still branding him. Kris felt Adam move closer. He tried to fight off his own body’s reaction to the familiarity of Adam’s touch.
Dammit, Kris thought. He shouldn’t be able to do this to him. Not after all this time. Not after he worked so hard to forget.
Kris yanked on his arm, getting Adam’s hand off of him then turned to walk away.
Adam ran in front of him, blocking his path. “Wait,” Adam said. “Please.”
Kris shook his head and said angrily, “What?”
Adam stood there shocked. The venom in Kris’s voice was like nothing he’d ever heard before. He opened his mouth to say something-anything-but instead remained frozen.
Kris shot Adam an irritated look then started walking away again. As Adam tried to think of something to say, Kris stopped. Adam’s heart stuttered, thinking maybe…
“I don’t know how the fuck you got in here or what you think you’re doing,” Kris said to Adam, back still turned to him. “But I suggest you get out. I have nothing to say to you, nor do you have anything I want to hear.”
Kris went through the doors and didn’t turn back.
Adam dropped his head, lifting both hands to his neck and hair. He turned where he stood and faced nothing. The blackness of the outdoors enveloped him, not allowing him to move.
Fuck, fuck, FUCK! Adam screamed silently in his head.
Adam continued to lie on the hardwood floor. The beige linen drapes rippled softly as the open windows blew in the cold early morning air. Adam ignored the cold seeping into and over his body and stared up at the ceiling, reviewing the evening in his head.
After dropping off the boyfriend’s father at the hotel, the cold shoulder that greeted Adam as they left the party followed him into the car. Adam knew he had to end whatever this was with the new boy, no point in dragging it on when Adam realized it wasn’t right-again. They had a quiet argument in the car, then a louder one in front of the boy’s apartment complex. Adam was sure it would be in the tabloids by morning. He couldn’t bring himself to care.
Why? Because he saw Kris. Kris, in flesh and blood, had been right there in front of him.
Adam extended and splayed his arm around the floor, patting around until he clasped the corner of his cell phone. He scrambled his fingertips to pull the phone fully into his hand, scrolled through the address book and waited as the call went through.
“Adam!” a sleepy whisper answered. “Are you okay? What’s wrong? It’s almost four in the morning.”
“Did you know he was going to be there dad?”
Adam heard his father’s deep-sated sigh and shuffling. Adam could picture his father run his hand through his hair and struggle to climb out of bed to take the call in the hall.
“Yeah, honey, I did.”
“Why didn’t you warn me?” Adam asked plaintively.
“Why are you calling me now about this son? It couldn’t wait until a decent hour?”
Adam turned on his side, cradling the phone between his ears and a bent arm. He closed his eyes, “I couldn’t sleep.”
Another sigh, “Yes, I knew he’d be there. It’s been his event for the last five years. I- I, uh, actually helped him get the contract. So, every year Qualcomm now sponsors it and has five tables. It’s a great fundraiser and it’s getting bigger every year. You know I’ve asked you to attend every year, but you never did.”
They remained silent for a few heartbeats as Adam thought about what his father just told him. Kris and Eber were in touch. Did that mean Leila and Kris were in contact too? How come Kris was still talking to them? How often? His parents loved Kris, but Adam didn’t expect this.
“You still talk to him? Does mom? Why? How?” Adam sounded lost.
“Don’t do this right now,” Eber murmured softly. “It’s…” he paused. “It’s random and complicated, and a long story. It’s not what you’re thinking.”
Adam felt numb. As he stared ahead, he saw nothing. The room tilted, the ceiling was falling up; his world was collapsing, crushing him, making it hard to think or to breathe.
“Adam,” Eber said. “What do you need? What do you want me to do to help?”
“I don’t know dad,” Adam said, voice cracking. “I don’t know.”
After hanging up, Adam was motionless and cold, but he couldn’t move from his position. He cracked open an eye to check the time. 4:19AM. He hadn’t moved since coming home and collapsing on the floor two hours ago.
Adam finally stretched his arms out, bracing himself against the floor into an awkward half-pushed up, half-sitting position. His head hung down low to his chest, shoulder blades sticking up towards the ceiling. Adam worked his way up off the floor slowly, his body protesting from being motionless and surrounded by cold air for hours. He got up, body working automatically, shedding his clothes as his feet led him into the bathroom to the shower.
After changing into old jeans and a t-shirt, Adam grabbed a jacket and left the house. He wasn’t sure what he was doing, where he was going. He just knew he had to get out.
Kris tossed and turned in the hotel bed. He reached over to the nightstand see the time. 5:32AM. His brain was racing at 100 miles an hour, his body was still shaking. He got up, put on some gym clothes, washed the tired off his face and left the room. If nothing else, Kris would sweat his jitters out and then get ready for the long day ahead of him. The workout and the post-event activities would keep him from re-living the nightmare of last night over and over.
Kris attacked the treadmill first. Adam fucking Lambert. Of course that’s who showed up and caused the ruckus with the paparazzi. That’s why Eber and Jenna were avoiding him all night. That’s who Sheila had been thinking of setting Kris up with. The entire night, Kris knew something was going on and yet he had been too dumb and blind to see it. After all these years, Adam decided to show up and turn his world upside down-again.
Ten years. Kris got off the treadmill, taped up his knuckles and attacked the punching bag in the corner. Ten fucking years and Adam decided to waltz back into his life. He became the huge superstar he’d always wanted to be, the superstar Kris always knew Adam could be.
He punched the bag hard and fast. The sweat that dotted his body was now flowing in rivulets from all of his pores, drenching his face and body, but Kris couldn’t stop. He pounded harder and faster, kicked the bag callously, hoping to exorcise the demons that came crawling out of his head.
Too tired to move his arms or legs any more, Kris moved to the corner of the room and collapsed onto the floor. Wrapping the towel around his head, he released the tears that had threatened to spill out for the last six hours. As the last of his tears subsided, Kris leaned his head back against the wall. He grabbed a new towel to wipe off the excess tears and sweat. He sat for a few more minutes as he got himself together. He finally stood up to rinse his face from the faucet. Kris yanked at his sweat-drenched shirt as he exited the doors of the gym when he bumped into a hard body.
Instead of falling back, strong hands grabbed Kris by the shoulders to steady him. Kris looked into Adam’s concerned face before he scowled and wrangled out of his grip. Kris took a step back to maneuver around Adam to get to the elevator banks.
Adam reached out again, but Kris managed to avoid him.
“Kris,” Adam said softly. “I really want to talk to you.”
Kris repeatedly pressed the up button to the elevator, ignoring him. Adam walked up behind him and covered Kris’s fingers that continued to push the lit button on the panel.
“I know you don’t want to see me or talk to me,” Adam whispered. “But I-, I-…I’m sorry.”
Kris pulled his hand away. The contact made his body recall Adam’s touches again. The workout was now for naught. The elevator wouldn’t open quickly enough, and Kris didn’t want to walk up eight flights of stairs back to his room. He turned to Adam. Adam was dressed down in faded black jeans, a well-worn Culture Club t-shirt, one of his standard leather jackets and had sunglasses hanging off the collar. He was staring alternately between Kris’s face and his chest where the damp shirt was still sticking.
Kris took a deep breath and tried not to glare at him, “I have nothing to say to you. You’re sorry, fine. Now get the hell out of my life. You did it once before, it shouldn’t be that hard to walk away again.”
Adam sighed and leaned against the space between the two elevator banks. He put his hands in his back pockets and looked down at his feet.
“I just need to talk to you,” he said, finally looking at Kris. “I-, I didn’t mean. Shit. Kris, can we go somewhere to talk? I don’t want to do this here.” Adam waved one hand around to indicate the public space. “Please?”
It was a quiet plea. One that Kris couldn’t ignore.
The elevator door finally opened. Kris grunted, “Fine.”
Adam moved in behind Kris into the elevator car and promptly stood in the corner. He watched Kris angrily push the button for the 11th floor. They waited in silence as the tiny dings marked their way to the upper levels.
Kris walked down the hallway, knowing Adam was at his back, following silently. Apparently Adam still knew that when he was in this mood and anything resembling trite small talk ensued, Kris would just punch him, whether or not the man was now famous.
He slipped in the key card and opened the door. He pointed to the living room of the suite, “Order some coffee and sit. I’ll be right out.” Kris closed the adjoining door between the living room and bedroom, not looking back to see if Adam listened.
Adam sighed. He was sighing a lot. This was not going as he thought it would. After leaving his house, he drove up PCH and debated stopping at his regular coffee shop. But instead he found himself turning the car around and driving back down PCH towards Santa Monica. It was useless. He made his way back to the hotel where the event was, where Kris was staying.
He didn’t know if Kris would see him or even talk to him. He had hoped, but hadn’t been counting on it. Adam had sat in the car until the sun started rising. Through some discreet inquiries at the front desk and a few bribes, Adam knew what room Kris was in, but thought it would be a bad idea to just show up to the room and surprise him. But he didn’t know what else to do. He wanted to catch Kris before he left the hotel. He was on the way up when the elevator stopped on the third floor for another guest and Adam saw Kris through the windows of the hotel gym. Adam had scrambled out and decided to wait.
Having Kris run into him-literally-nearly did Adam in. Touching Kris’s body, even for those few precious moments, the way Kris’s wet shirt molded his arms and chest, the excess water still dropping from his hair. It took everything in Adam to stop himself from grabbing Kris again, dragging him back into a corner of the hotel gym and licking his way down Kris’s body. Adam held in a groan and tried to get the image out of his head. Having an erection while trying to talk to Kris would not be a good idea.
Instead he focused on pacing nervously in the small suite. He had ordered coffee and a few pastries, knowing Kris’s penchant for sweets after working out. Adam smiled as his fingers ghosted over the various items Kris left haphazardly around the room-reading glasses, his laptop, the suit jacket from last night’s event.
He paused when he heard the shower go on, and instead of almost touching the jacket, he flopped onto the couch. It would be a good 20 minutes before Kris appeared. Plenty of time to mull over what to say and how to say it.
Kris hadn’t changed much over the years. Yes, he was older, but the years actually made him better looking. And seeing his body beneath the damp shirt only proved to Adam that Kris was in better shape than he had been before. But it was Kris’s eyes that had Adam gnaw at his lips between his teeth. He couldn’t tell last night, but this morning, the deep brown eyes that glowed and glimmered with life and mischief weren’t there. Kris’s eyes looked lifeless, blank. There were flashes of anger, but those were the only signs of emotion Adam saw. His face seemed almost static, as if he didn’t know how to smile anymore. That, too, would be Adam’s fault.
Adam ran his hands through his hair, yanking on it. The Fates were being either overly cruel bitches or thought it was time for Adam to get his shit together. Naturally, he would run into Kris after meeting the new boy’s parents. Of course, Kris had to look hotter than he ever had, having added muscle to his already amazing body, hair slightly longer and messy, the way Adam always loved, and he seemed to know how to dress to maximum effect. And as expected, Kris was still feeling the hurt; Adam just hadn’t realized how deep the anger ran. He leaned back into the couch, spreading his arms against the back. He wanted to make this right. He had to.
In the end, though, all Adam knew was that it would take everything he had in him not to pull Kris into his arms and hold him and not let go. Adam quirked his mouth, like Kris would even let him close enough to hold. It was what Adam deserved. He sunk back into the cushions, closed his eyes and waited.
Kris let the hot water spray down on him, easing the muscles he had overtaxed from the punching bag earlier. Though, if he was honest with himself, he was trying to relax from seeing Adam again so soon. He hadn’t expected Adam to come around or if he did, Kris thought it would be later after partying all night. And by then, Kris would be free and clear and away from the hotel. Kris sighed; Adam still managed to surprise him.
He walked out of the bathroom, a trail of steam following him out, towel wrapped around his waist. He scrubbed his hair with a smaller towel and looked at the clock on the bedside table. 7:02AM. He palmed his face and debated whether or not to shave. Fuck it, he thought. Better Adam not think he was trying too hard. Putting on a pair of boxers, jeans and a t-shirt, Kris heard the knock of room-service. Just in time, he was going to need the caffeine to get through the next few minutes.
The smell of coffee greeted him as Kris opened the door leading to the living room of the suite. Seeing Adam pouring the coffee and setting the cream and sugar aside made Kris smile in spite of himself.
Adam looked up. Their eyes met, heating the room around them. Adam straightened and looked like he was debating moving towards Kris. Kris eradicated the moment by moving to the windows and drawing the curtains open. He stood there looking out at the ocean. The same ocean that brought them together all those years ago. He heard the clinking of a spoon, Adam was stirring in the sugar. Kris had to laugh.
“I really hate you, you know,” Kris said. He kept looking out of the windows, not turning to face Adam. It was easier this way.
“I know,” Adam replied back. “I actually hate myself too.”
Kris nodded to himself. “Why are you here?”
Adam sat back down and stared at Kris’s back. Taking a big gulp of the lukewarm coffee, he paused. “I told you Kris, I wanted to talk to you. I needed…” Adam’s voice trailed off.
Kris finally turned around. “You needed what?” He leaned against the windows and crossed his arms. He watched as Adam put the coffee mug down and play with the rim with his fingers.
“I needed to see you,” Adam started. He saw Kris open his mouth to talk, but held up a hand. “Please…Kris, let me finish.”
Kris nodded, but didn’t relax. He stared at Adam and waited.
Adam sighed deeply and ran his fingers through his hair, making the ends stand up higher, defying gravity even more. As much as it pained Kris to think it, he wanted to run his hands through Adam’s hair again, feel the softness of it as Adam’s body covered his. Kris felt his hands twitch and fisted them tightly against his body.
“This is something I should have done years ago,” Adam started. “I fucked up and didn’t know how to fix it. Every time I picked up the phone or started to write you a note, an email, I just…” Adam stopped, his body betraying the confusion of what he was trying to say. “I didn’t know how to unfuck my fuck up. I shouldn’t have run away like that. I shouldn’t have stayed away. I should have called or something. I-, I…” Adam paused and took another deep breath. The silence in the room filling up space as Kris waited for him to continue.
Adam suddenly stood up and started pacing the small room. He looked over at Kris, who remained unmoving. Adam saw the closed off look on Kris’s face. His expression betrayed nothing, Adam’s stuttering apology not affecting him in any way. Adam’s level of patience with both himself and Kris was treading thin. He stalked over to where Kris stood, planting himself in front of him, arms encircling his head, looming over him.
Kris looked into Adam’s ice blue eyes. They were tortured, in pain. He felt himself melt, but berated himself as he thought back on the pain and tears he’d spent over Adam. The hurt and betrayal and absence of all those years. Adam had gone off to be the superstar, while Kris had spent the first few months in pain and crying; and the last few years putting the pieces of his life and broken heart back together again.
Dammit, he was in a good and happy place now, so naturally the tsunami that was Adam Lambert would come roaring back into his life without warning.
He stood stoically between Adam’s outstretched arms and just stared at the man who was his everything for nearly three years. It took everything Kris had to stand still and not launch himself at Adam. Memories of their bodies touching, skin on skin, flooded Kris’s brain. The not-so-innocent touches on backs, waists and shoulders; fingertips stroking behind the ears; lying in bed next to each other on weekends; holding each other.
Adam had consumed him from the moment they met at the beachside party until the night he disappeared. Now he was back and Kris was trying hard to tamp down his emotions. One part of him wanted to beat the living shit out of Adam, to show Adam the physical pain he had put him through. The other part wanted to devour Adam from head to toe because Kris missed the physicality and connection they had.
Breaking the silence, Kris deadpanned, “Is that all?”
Kris knew he was being an asshole, but he couldn’t help it. All the hurt came bubbling back up, and it was a cauldron he couldn’t turn down. He decided to embrace it and unleash his fury on the man who caused it.
Adam dropped his head, forehead precariously close to Kris’s. He sighed deeply and gathered his strength. His hand went to touch Kris’s face, but Kris turned away. Undeterred, Adam placed his hand gently on Kris’s cheek. He felt Kris go still. But he brushed his thumb back and forth, reveling in the contradictory softness of the skin and the coarseness of the stubble. His thumb traced the corner of Kris’s lips, feeling Kris’s body start to tremble. Adam repeated the motion, cheek to lips, lips to cheek, feeling Kris’s body soften.
It had been too long since Adam felt like this. Too long since the simple touch of someone’s face could make him feel warm and happy. Too long since he had touched Kris. Adam lowered himself to get closer, to inhale Kris again. He felt alive again.
Kris felt his resolve waver as his breathing got choppy. The warmth of Adam’s hand caressing his face, the unique scent he carried in him. Memories were flooding into Kris’s head. Adam’s smiles, his laughter, his touch. Shaking Adam’s hand off, Kris ducked beneath the outstretched arm.
He scrambled across the room and breathed hard. “What. Do. You Want.” Kris demanded. “You wanted to talk, so fucking talk. You want to apologize, fine. You apologized a few times now if I’m remembering correctly. Guess what? Apology accepted. Is that what you want? Fine. Done and done…But you can’t do this. You can’t just burst back into my life and do this to me. You can’t…I can’t…” Kris broke off his rant with a hitched sob.
Adam leaned in against the window where Kris had stood and listened to Kris’s voice crack as he gritted out the words. Then the door to the bedroom slammed shut. Adam wanted to punch the window, the wall. He would give anything at this moment to have Kris in his arms one more time, to feel Kris’s lips against his own. Adam cursed and screamed silently to himself, banging his head against the wall in front of him.
Inhaling deeply, Adam turned and staggered to the door. The slam of it echoed in his head. The door was now a physical and emotional barrier that separated them. The chasm was wider than ever. Adam pressed his forehead and right hand to the door. He wasn’t sure how long he stood like that.
“Kris,” Adam whispered. “I don’t know how to tell you how much I’ve missed you…how much I…how sorry I am…about everything. I’ve never stopped…” Adam pulled a thumb drive from the jacket pocket and slipped it under the door. He hoped Kris would see it.
Adam left the hotel quickly, sunglasses on. A thick fog rolled in as he drove out of the parking lot and headed home. He wanted to just curl up in his bed, throw the covers over his head and nurse this heartache. He didn’t think it was possible, but it hurt more now than it did all those years ago.
His eyes blurred as he pulled into the garage. Pulling out the keys, Adam struggled to get the door open, tears distorting the key hole. Finally pushing through, he dropped the keys and jacket onto the floor, toed off his boots and left a trail as he tottered through the kitchen. Pulling his shirt up to wipe off the tears, Adam didn’t notice his mom sitting in the living room.
“Adam,” she said as she stood up, startling him.
Adam lowered his shirt from his face and didn’t move. Tears were spilling down his cheeks faster than before. Leila ran over to him and enveloped him in a hug, pulling him back to the couch. Leila sat and put Adam’s head on her lap. His body curled into her, taking comfort. He started to shake, the hurt extending from his heart to his entire body.
“Mom, it hurts…” he whimpered. “Why does it hurt so much? Make it go away…”
Kris sat on the couch in his living room and played with the thumb drive, twirling it between his fingers. He leaned back on the cushions and raised it to the ceiling. He wasn’t sure what was on it and didn’t know if he wanted to open it and see. His laptop was open and ready to receive whatever was on it, but Kris had yet to take the leap. He had heard it being slid under the door, but didn’t get up to retrieve it. Kris waited until he heard the suite door close.
In the two weeks since he had seen Adam, hand-written notes and invitations for another meeting came daily. When Kris didn’t respond, the small gifts arrived: a necklace made with a vintage guitar pick, a signed copy of sheet music from Bruce Springsteen, a limited edition Pez dispenser with a Bugs Bunny head, a miniature limited edition stuffed cow from Chik-Fil-A. Of course Adam had found out where he lived. He had people now. At least these things weren’t being delivered to his office. It was bad enough that his staff was still talking about that evening and how amazing Adam was. Kris was also pretty sure Adam had his cell number too, but was grateful the calls didn’t come.
Kris dropped the thumb drive next to his laptop and got up. He grabbed his cell phone, jacket and keys and left the house. He had a standing brunch date with Megan and her partner Stacy. He hadn’t told Megan about his encounter with Adam and wasn’t sure he was going to even bring it up. As soon as he entered the diner, Stacy jumped on his back.
“You little shit,” she shrieked into his ear. Kris cringed and tried to hang onto Stacy’s legs so they wouldn’t topple to the ground. “That hot piece of ass was at your event and you didn’t tell us?”
Megan laughed and grabbed Kris’s hand and led them to their corner booth, Kris carrying Stacy on his back. He nodded his greetings to the diner’s manager and waitresses, who silently raised their chins back in acknowledgement. At least this display wasn’t out of the norm for them, while the other patrons looked on in curiosity.
Kris eased into his side of the booth when Stacy finally slid off his back. Megan pushed Stacy into their seat.
“Let him talk,” Megan scolded. “I’m sure he’s got a reason he didn’t tell us immediately, and we had to find out through the tabloids, right Kris?” Megan gave him knowing look. She had been there when Kris’s world fell apart, but Stacy didn’t know his and Adam’s sordid history.
Kris made a face. “It kind of slipped my mind,” he said.
“Kind of ‘slipped your mind’?” Stacy squawked. “He’s the epitome of fabulous Kris! His voice! His confidence! Oh my god…his face! If I were a boy, shit, I’d have been ALL over him as soon as he walked through that door!”
Kris made a face and said snidely, “Well, I didn’t see him until the end of the night. I was kind of busy, you know, running the event and all.”
Megan interrupted, “Hey let’s order our food. I’m starving.”
They ate and talked enthusiastically, as if they hadn’t seen each other for months instead of weeks. Megan steering clear the conversation each time it ventured towards Adam Lambert. She noticed Kris’s veiled grimace each time Stacy unknowingly brought up Adam’s name. Megan couldn’t blame Stacy, she was a huge fan and now knowing that someone in their circle had the chance to meet Adam? Yeah, she was over the moon. But, Megan also knew the sordid saga and flinched every time Kris’s smile faltered.
“Aw shit,” Stacy cried out. “I’m going to be late. Promised I’d do the afternoon shift today. Kris, I didn’t mean to give you shit, you know that, right?”
Kris smiled and nodded, “It’s okay.”
Stacy playfully shoved Megan out of the booth and stood at the end of the table, “Kisses and all that.” She leaned over to Megan and kissed her cheek. “I’ll see you later at home, babe.” With that Stacy skipped out of the restaurant, her black and red hair flying behind her.
As they watched Stacy leave, Kris threw a napkin onto his still full plate and slumped down into the seat.
Megan carefully spooned more sugar into her coffee and waited. She looked over at Kris as he played with the buttons of his plaid shirt, then fiddled with the utensils, then grabbed a clean napkin and started tearing the edges.
“That bad, huh?” Megan finally stated. She reached out and grabbed Kris’s hands to stop him from tearing the napkins into tinier pieces.
“If I was prepared, I think I would have handled it better,” Kris admitted. “He just showed up to the event, and how the hell I didn’t know he was going to be there is still beyond me. Then I ran into him at the end of the event, and I was too shocked to say anything. He wanted to talk, but really? There of all places, you know? Then he showed up at the hotel the next morning…”
“Wait, what?”
“He came back to the hotel. I’m guessing he went wherever because he had changed, had no make-up on. And, me…I-…I couldn’t sleep. I pretty much tossed and turned all night, so eventually I figure I hit the gym, right? Wear myself down and maybe get a couple of hours of sleep before I check out. But then, I ran into him by the elevators…um, literally,” Kris shrugged.
This time Megan leaned back and slumped into her seat. She stared hard at Kris.
He cringed under her glare, “What?”
“Wow. And what time was this?”
Kris lifted a shoulder, “Dunno, like six in the morning or something? What ‘wow?’”
“He’s a rock star, should have been up all night partying or whatever. But instead comes looking for you at six in the morning? That ‘wow.’ How’d he…? Never mind.”
They sat in silence again, sipping coffee as the waitresses called out orders around them. Megan sat up, “So, what are you going to do now?”
Kris sighed, “Dunno. I- I thought I was over it…him. But him being there, here…I. Fuck, Megan, I don’t know. Part of me wanted to punch that perfect nose of his while the other part of me almost threw myself at him. I hate him.”
“But you’re still in love with him.”
Kris’s crestfallen face look down into his lap, “Yeah, I think I am.”
“This is a problem then, isn’t it?” Megan said softly. “I mean, I know...” She cleared her throat. “I’m going to play devil’s advocate here, okay? So just listen and don’t get mad.” She waited for his nod. “It’s been ten years sweetie. You haven’t heard shit from him. No note, no call, no nothing. I was there. I saw you two together, and I saw how it just broke you. You don’t play music anymore. You don’t teach anymore. Hell, you don’t do anything that has to do with music. Yeah, you remade yourself into a hell of an event planner, but he sucked the joy out of you when you left. Are you sure you want to step back into what you left behind?”
“I don’t know if there’s anything to step back into, to tell you the truth.”
“Honey, he showed up at six in the morning to find you at the hotel,” Megan exhaled. “He’s been single all these years, with a different boy toy on his arm and never settled down. Have you noticed how all of them look like you? I don’t think he’s over you.”
“I thought you were playing devil’s advocate and trying to keep me from going back,” Kris pouted.
“I’m just pointing out all the angles,” she explained. “Remember, I’ve seen you two together, and I’ve seen you without him. You two together actually gave me hope about finding love, and I did with Stacy. But then seeing you after…I actually don’t know what I’m trying to say. But, it’s essentially this.” Megan straightened up and grabbed Kris’s hands. She forced him to meet her eyes. “If you still have feelings for him, and if I’m not mistaken, he is just as much still in love with you, think about taking that chance again. Nope, let me finish,” she said gripping his hands tighter.
“What you guys had-or even still have-is amazing. Not just to me, but ask any of us. After he disappeared, you never talked about it. I know your folks hate him. Shit, from what I can tell even his parents hate him.” Megan paused. “Essentially, what I’m trying to say, I guess, is this. If there are still feelings…are you going to regret-well, everything?”
Kris studied her hands gripping his. This was too much. It had been two weeks, but he couldn’t put it out of his mind. He kept seeing Adam in every stranger, heard his songs on the radio, saw his face on magazine covers. He didn’t know what he was going to do. Over the last five years, Kris made serious changes to his life. He changed his career, he let go of music, he started dating casually, but still there was something missing. There was always something missing.
“I don’t know,” he finally whispered.
~~continued~~
PART III