Fic: This Time | Part I
Title: THIS TIME - Part I
Type: AU, Angst/Romance
Rating: NC-17
Characters/Pairings: Kris Allen/Adam Lambert
PART I
The beach house party was still in full swing despite the lateness of the hour. Bodies were packed in tightly, arms moved upwards to hold drinks above heads, legs shifted to create makeshift paths for people wandering around. The various rooms and hallways were brightly lit; and despite all the open windows, they did nothing to ease the stifling air inside the house. Music thumped through the in-wall speakers while snatches of conversation and laughter filled the spaces in between the pulses of bass and drumbeats.
Between the bodies and the lights, it became almost unbearable. The random conversations and lack of respect for personal space amplified Kris’s tension level to a major high, so he decided to slip outside. Maybe the cool air and the sound of waves crashing onto the beach would have the calming effect he desired. Kris couldn’t alleviate the anxiety and tension he felt; he couldn’t pinpoint the source of it and nothing he did was helping.
Kris maneuvered his way down the packed hallway until he saw the glint of the glass doors. Stepping outside, he inhaled deeply at the scent of jasmine and ocean air and made his way to the edge of the large patio overlooking the calm Pacific Ocean.
Festive holiday lights were strung on iron rails, softly illuminating the wood deck. It separated the house from the boardwalk and beach in Venice. Away from the house, Kris felt like he could breathe again. He leaned against the railing, goose bumps covering his arms as the coolness of the metal ran through his body.
Kris closed his eyes and took another deep breath. How he let his friends talk him into going to this party, he would never figure out. He had come out to Los Angeles to visit them and play tourist for a few days, to get away from the pressures of his daily life. He hadn’t been keen on going to a party that was hosted by a friend of a friend of a friend’s cousin’s girlfriend. It wasn’t that Kris minded, but he had hoped this trip would give him something else-something more. Kris was restless and thought this trip would ease the itch in him that had been agitating him for months. Kris had lost his friends somewhere inside the throng of people in the house, but, honestly, right now, Kris wanted and was grateful for some space.
The loosened cuffs of Kris’s shirt flitted around his wrists fluttering softly with the breeze against his skin. Reaching back to brush off the strands of hair sticking to his neck; he lifted his arms up and out towards the ocean to stretch and relax muscles he didn’t realize had tensed up.
“That looked like it felt really good.”
Startled, Kris turned in the direction of the unexpected voice to his left. He frowned slightly at the stranger, a little upset that someone had been able to sneak up on him like that.
“Sorry,” the stranger said softly. “I didn’t mean to scare you.”
Kris shook his head, “No, it’s okay. You-, you um, just caught me off guard.”
The tall stranger cocked his head to look at Kris, shifting his weight so his hip propped against the rail as he turned to face him. Kris mirrored his pose, but crossed his arms, giving off the warning to stay back. The stranger smirked.
God, he’s beautiful, Kris thought.
He was tall and lean. Kris watched as the man lifted his drink with one hand, placing the other on the rail. He followed his movements, watching his throat shift with every swallow. His hair was jet-black, cut and styled in sharp angles that complimented the almost soft and small angles of his face. He lowered his head and looked past Kris, nodding to people who walked behind them. Kris continued to stare at the man. Kris tried to stop, but every time this man smiled to acknowledge people, he could see the hint of gloss on his lips, making them look fuller and delightfully kissable.
Startling himself, he jerked back self-consciously, shocked that his thoughts had led in that direction.
As if knowing what Kris had been thinking, the stranger quirked an eyebrow and smirked. Kris blushed.
“Hi, I’m Adam,” he said, holding out a well-manicured, ring-laden hand.
“Oh, um, hi,” Kris fumbled, suddenly nervous. “Kris.”
As their hands met, Kris felt the peculiar texture of warm, soft fingertips and the solid coolness of his rings. A warm tremor rode up Kris’s arm and through his body as they held the handshake. Kris looked down at their hands, then back up to Adam’s face. Kris was surprised when he saw Adam’s grin falter as the same current seemed to run through him, too.
Adam noticed him weaving his way through the crowd. He followed Cute Boy’s progress as he appeared from the kitchen and through the open hall into the living room. His dark hair was sloppy and loose, a little too long along the neck. He had his hands and arms out and away from his body, trying not to touch people as he tried to get to his destination. Adam stood against the wall, slowly nursing his drink, barely listening to the two women in front of him chattering away about something.
One of the women Adam had been chatting with noticed his eyes wander to the cutie making his way through the crowd. She cocked her carefully manicured eyebrow and looked back at Adam.
“Really, Adam?” she asked.
“What?” Adam didn’t stop tracking Cute Boy that had caught his eye. His steps were stuttered as he stopped and jerked back his steps as he made his way forward. Cute Boy stood out from the crowd in his casual outfit and low-maintenance look. He wasn’t decked out with the latest designer jacket or a bunch of product in his hair. Cute Boy had on a plain white button-down shirt and jeans that accentuated his slim body. And from what Adam could tell from a distance, Cute Boy didn’t really have to try to look cute; he probably didn’t even know how hot he was. Plus, he wore cute little glasses. Adam’s smile widened. Local boys didn’t wear glasses except to be ironic. Somehow, Adam doubted that was why Cute Boy wore his. Even though Adam couldn’t see what color Cute Boy’s eyes were from this distance, he guessed they were a lovely shade of chocolate brown.
“Well,” the woman paused. She half turned to follow Cute Boy’s progress. “He is cute, in that scholarly way. Seems like he’s uncomfortable here. Are you so bored with all the boys in town that you’re looking for the exotically bookish, non-LA type now?”
Adam chuckled, “Yeah, kitten. Exactly.”
“Adam sweetie, I don’t think you’re his type,” she stated. “Plus, you don’t know that he’s gay.”
Adam was done with the conversation and pushed himself away from the wall. “I’m going to freshen up my drink.”
The woman laughed back, “Sure. When you’re done stalking the innocents, Tammy and I will be here waiting to hook you up with some pretty boys you’ll love.”
Adam didn’t respond as he made his way towards the bar. He kept his eye on this delightful new find while refilling his glass. The party was full of overly made-up, plastic people, typical LA wannabes. Adam was tired of the fakeness of it all-everyone looking to either schmooze their way to fame or be close enough that something might rub off on them. Adam looked around for a second and smirked, yeah, he was pretty much here for that too. He was getting sick of this scene, but it was the only way to get his music out there. Any assistance from any bigwig or friend of a bigwig would help. He scowled. Adam quickly launched himself from the bar as he was starting to lose sight of this mysterious cutie.
Adam saw the cute boy squeeze out the back door, shutting it quickly as if he didn’t want anyone to notice or follow him out. Too late for that, Adam thought and smiled to himself. His progress to the door was stopped by various friends and strangers, preventing him from quickly following. At least Cute Boy didn’t look like he was leaving, just escaping. Adam paused at the thought, and realized escaping did equal leaving. Cute boy could have walked there to flee from this party and not use the front door.
Adam excused himself as quickly as possible and headed to the back door. He opened it and looked around, searching for Cute Boy. The patio was well-lit, ensuring guests didn’t drunkenly stumble over the railings onto the boardwalk or bump into the various pieces of randomly placed furniture.
Ah, there he is.
Adam spotted him leaning against the rails, in a far corner, staring out into the ocean. Cute Boy’s small body was moving like he couldn’t stand still and enjoy the sight. Adam watched as his boy-and yes, he was Adam’s-stood and fidgeted. Adam walked up to him as he was stretching his arms out.
He was beautiful in that non-Hollywood type way. Clean-cut, no frills. Simple shirt and jeans. Hair not overly styled. Lights from the house outlined a nice body. And when he stretched his arms? Yeah, Adam smiled, I think I like what I see. He approached Cute Boy, walking right up to him.
Adam was transfixed. He couldn’t move. He didn’t want to move. He met Kris’s eyes as they felt the jolt of heat run through them both. They both jerked their hands back at the same time and blinked hard.
“So, um,” Adam said breaking the silence. “Where are you from Kris?”
Kris shook out his hand a little, fisting then extending his fingers out. They still tingled from the sensation of touching this man, like when he had fallen asleep on his hand, but much nicer. He played with the nape of his hair, not knowing what else to do with it, and tucked his left hand into the pocket of his jeans. He looked up at Adam, but Adam had already turned back to face to water, leaning over the railing on his forearms, glass extended out over the rail. Both hands gripped the glass, twirling it, making the ice shift, the glass quietly clinking from the rings.
“How do you know I’m not from LA?” Kris replied.
They stood there, Adam facing the ocean, Kris facing the brightly lit house.
Adam chuckled softly, “Oh, honey, you’re not from LA. Believe me, I can tell.”
“Is it that obvious?” Kris sighed.
Adam gave Kris the once-over. Kris fidgeted nervously, knowing Adam was eyeing him up and down. His right hand was tightly gripping the rail, his left dangerously close to Adam’s right arm.
Adam was tempted close the little space between them to see what Kris would do, how he would react. He was just about to move when Kris pulled his hand out of his pocket to raise the wire-rim glasses up his nose. Kris’s wrist and forearm were pale and glowed in the luster of the houselights and the half moon.
Adam quirked his lips. Yeah, he wasn’t a jaded member of the Hollywood scene. Kris wasn’t even trying, yet he exuded more charm and sex appeal than the men and women trying to grab Adam’s attention inside the house.
“Nothing to be ashamed about,” Adam said, turning back to stare at the small waves breaking onto the sand. “You just don’t have that worn-out and bored look that a lot of the folks here do. You’re a breath of fresh air, actually.”
Kris replied blandly, “Thanks, I think.”
Adam turned to face Kris again. “It’s a compliment, so please take it as one. And, I’m being sincere about it. It’s actually what I noticed about you. I figured I’d try to get to know you, so decided to find you. And here you are.”
Kris twisted his body, then stuttered, “Wha-, what?”
They stood facing each other again, this time an arm’s length apart. Adam had to be messing with him, right? Why would he follow Kris out here? When did Adam notice him? How would Adam notice him? There were gorgeous people everywhere tonight. Kris felt completely unsophisticated, dowdy and out of place tonight compared to everyone else.
Besides, where had Adam been all night? Kris hadn’t even seen him, and he would have definitely noticed. Adam was a cross between angelic and devilish looking with shock of dark hair and thick eyeliner.
Kris watched as Adam bent over to place the glass down behind his feet. As he straightened, Adam’s small hoop earrings swung faintly with the movement. Kris also noticed the edges of tattoos peeking up from the back of his shirt. He felt a thrill of excitement run through him. He closed his eyes to keep from embarrassing himself. Why was he feeling this way? A strange guy he just met?
Adam crossed his legs and leaned his side against the rail, making them just about eye-to-eye. “I noticed you heading out here earlier. You intrigued me, so I followed you out to see what you’re about,” he said frankly.
“Oh, uh,” Kris fumbled. “Ah…”
Adam laughed. Kris was already more stimulating compared to the other people at the party tonight. Kris’s stumbling and nerves were cute and adorable. He wasn’t trying to be sophisticated, just normal. Definitely worth the investigation.
As a slight breeze came through, Kris’s hair flew up and settled back. Adam reached out to pat a stray hair down. Kris froze as he felt Adam’s hand reach the top of his head then move softly down to caress the tip of his ear. Kris waited for Adam to take his hand away, but instead he felt the palm of Adam’s hand get heavier on the side of his face.
Kris closed his eyes, and felt Adam stand straight and move closer. Kris felt the heat of Adam’s body start to surround him. A different chill ran through his body, a heated chill, if there was such a thing. Kris inhaled the scent and moved his head into Adam’s hand. Adam’s free hand went to Kris’s waist, resting there softly yet firmly, as if making sure he didn’t get a chance to move away. Adam’s other hand continued to move lightly from Kris’s earlobe to hair and back, fingers feathering down from the top to bottom of his ear.
Kris lifted his gaze to meet Adam’s. Adam’s bright blue eyes were studying his face from the tip of his head to jaw line, as if trying to memorize the features.
Adam finally met Kris’s eyes and smiled. A small smile, but seductive, almost erotic. Kris lowered his head again, blushing. He felt Adam move his head closer, his fingers moving again from Kris’s ear to cheek, along the line of his jaw, warm and gently mapping a trail that was quickly affecting the rest of his body.
Kris felt as if Adam’s fingers were making imprints from his face to his shoulder, arm, hip and down his legs. His body felt flushed with the intensity of heat flowing through him; his pulse leaping irregularly at the actual path Adam’s fingers were paving. Kris’s breathing went jagged, his stomach trembling.
Adam rested his fingers at the edge of Kris’s shirt, tracing the line of buttons from the neck down to the center of Kris’s chest. He moved his hand from Kris’s waist to grasp the small of his back, pulling Kris in closer until the front of their bodies barely touched. Adam’s right hand, lying still on Kris’s chest, was all that separated them from being flush against each other.
As clouds moved and covered the half-moon hanging over the Pacific Ocean, long shadows stirred around the two of them. They stood together body-to-body, time standing still, the noise around them diminishing to an ambient white noise.
Adam moved his hand up to grasp Kris’s chin, raising his head to search his face. He wanted to make sure there was no fear in Kris’s eyes.
“I’ve never kissed anyone with glasses before,” he said quietly. Lifting his hand up, Adam removed Kris’s glasses, forcing Kris’s chocolate eyes to meet his.
“What are you doing?” Kris asked in a whisper.
A small chuckle escaped Adam’s lips, “Just making sure nothing happens to them.”
Adam eased the glasses off Kris, and placed them onto the rail behind him. Both hands moved to lightly grip the sides of Kris’s head, lifting his face, allowing their lips to meet.
Kris breathed in Adam’s sweet breath as he felt the delicate touch of Adam’s lips.
Kris’s mind was racing when Adam started to take off his glasses. He thought-and might have possibly wished-that a kiss would happen, but as it actually did, everything in his world stopped. The time. His breathing. His mind.
The kiss was tentative at first, as if Adam didn’t know if Kris would turn and run. Hell, Kris didn’t know if he’d turn and run.
Adam held Kris’s head delicately, thumbs tenderly running over his temples, soothing him. When Kris didn’t freeze or move away, he added pressure to the kiss, angling his head to capture Kris’s lips more completely. He felt Kris’s hands move hesitantly to grasp the chains on his belt. He withheld a groan at the thought of Kris’s hands on him.
Their mouths worked in a hot, slow motion. As the kiss progressed, Adam grabbed Kris’s hair and pulled. He smiled when he heard Kris moan and continued to kiss him. Loosening his grip on Kris’s hair, he started to massage his scalp, taking pleasure in the feel of the soft hair against his fingers.
Adam lightly bit Kris’s lower lip, making Kris gasp. He took advantage and thrust his tongue in, changing the dynamic of the kiss from soft and sexy to dangerous and needy. The kiss was bordering on lewd, lips and tongues clashing. Hands started wandering up arms, around waists and backs, searching out heated skin. Adam’s grunt turned into a moan as he felt Kris’s hands moved to under the back of his shirt, hands moving in slow circles around his lower spine and back.
Kris trembled as his hands made contact with Adam’s skin. This time, he smiled as he felt Adam have the same reaction to his touch. Emboldened, Kris reached lower into Adam’s waistband and stroked his lower back, his hips, the curve of his ass.
Adam burrowed his face into Kris’s neck. He felt Kris’s breath hitch as he turned to kiss the soft spot beneath the ear. Kris leaned his head back to grant Adam more access to his neck, Adam’s right hand again traveled along the path his mouth made. The tip of Adam’s tongue skimmed along Kris’s vein that suddenly popped out as if conceding to the staggering assault of hot breath and gentle lips.
Kris shuddered at the sensation of callused palms and fingertips with the solidity and heat from Adam’s hands. He felt Adam’s hands roam his body, from his thighs to his arms to the small of his back. He flicked Kris’s collarbone with his tongue, followed by long languid licks that made Kris squirm, warmth pooling down various parts of his body he had no idea could get so heated. Kris moved his body closer to Adam’s, positioning them flush against each other. Kris sighed as he heard Adam almost whimper from the back of his throat. Adam started to slowly rub his erection on Kris’s hip, the roughness of their jeans causing friction.
Adam grabbed Kris’s head again and took his mouth in a single all-consuming movement. His tongue delved into Kris’s mouth, pulling back, only to thrust in deeper, sweeping in and out. Kris matched him move for move. Adam continued the onslaught of his mouth, all the while imitating the motion with his erection against his jeans. Their tongues battled each other, sucking and licking the depths of each other’s mouths.
Suddenly their mouths parted, both continuing to breathe hard. Adam dipped his head and nipped at Kris’s chin. Kris’s fingers reached up to softly touch Adam’s swollen lips. They both stared at each other, looking at one another as if seeing the other for the first time.
Adam wrapped his long arms around Kris, when he tried to move away to take in deep breaths. They continued to stare at each other for a few heartbeats, before Kris lowered his head onto Adam’s shoulder. Adam cradled Kris’s head to him, wrapping him in even tighter to his body.
Adam slowly let him go, almost unwillingly, and took a small step back to give Kris room. Kris straightened up awkwardly and pulled away from Adam’s arms.
The world around them came back to life in a burst of music, chatter and light.
Though their bodies still faced each other, they looked in every other direction afforded to them, almost afraid to make eye contact, evading conversation. Adam reached over and handed Kris his glasses. Kris took them silently, putting them back on. He couldn’t believe he just did that. That that just happened. His body was still heated and shaking.
“That was,” Adam started.
“I, uh…” Kris muttered at the same time.
They laughed nervously. Adam realized he was hearing Kris laugh for the first time. It was a beautiful sound coming from those lips he’d battered just moments ago. “Sorry, go ahead,” Adam said.
Kris shook his head, “No, it’s okay. I really don’t know what to say anyway.”
Adam reached out again, but lowered his hand immediately. “I’d like it if you came to see me play tomorrow night.”
Kris stared up at Adam, eyes still heavy with passion. Kris shook her head, “I’m sorry, but I can’t.”
Adam felt a slight panic. Was he blowing him off after that?
“You can bring your friends,” Adam said in a rush. “You guys will be comped, and I can get you free drinks.”
Kris smiled, but it was bittersweet. “It’s not that,” he said. “I actually have a flight out tomorrow afternoon. But…thank you.”
Adam frowned. He wanted to see Kris again. Even if it meant dealing with any annoying friends; he’d be able to spend more time with him, find out if what just happened-all this-was a fluke. This was not working out as he envisioned at all.
“It’s been,” Kris started to say and hesitated. “I wanted to say…” He stopped. He wasn’t sure what he wanted to say. He saw Adam’s frown and felt a little better, considering he thought he’d provided Adam with an easy brush off. But Kris was leaving. Heading back to Berkeley, back to his student teaching, back to life, his normal life. For some reason, Kris wanted to thank Adam for one of the most delirious and exquisite experiences of his life. But it seemed so corny and trite after what they just went through and what they just did. What do you say to a man who had just about made him come in his pants with a kiss?
Adam was not happy about this. He finally found someone that intrigued him, someone he wanted to actually get to know, and now he was leaving. Karma was a major bitch, wasn’t she? After all the love’em and leave’em encounters, the one guy he was finally interested in was going to disappear. How to make this stop? How to get Kris to stay?
“So, where’s home?” Adam asked. He wanted to make it casual and not hint at any desperation on his side.
Kris adjusted his glasses as he answered, “Home is in Arkansas, but school’s in Berkeley.”
“School?”
Kris nodded, “Yeah, I’m working on my-graduate degree.” He shrugged, “I also teach and run a music lab.”
Adam nodded along with Kris, completely shocked and not knowing what to say or do. Holy crap, he thought. Yeah, Kris definitely wasn’t what Adam normally went for. “Graduate huh?” he inquired.
Kris’s smile was bashful, “My Masters…”
“In?” he interrupted.
“Music theory and musicology.”
HO. LEE. SHIT. Adam barely graduated high school, too anxious to be free of school, his parents, a normal life. He wanted to follow his passion in music, so charged forward as soon as he got the chance.
“I guess I’m kind of a nerd,” Kris continued self-consciously.
“You’re a cute nerd,” Adam responded.
Kris blushed again. He blushed even harder knowing that he was blushing. How Adam got him to blush so often was just ridiculous.
“Um,” Adam started to say, patting down his pockets. He looked up and shouted to a person that just walked out the patio doors.
Adam grabbed Kris’s upper arms. “Don’t move, okay? Don’t go anywhere…please. I’ll be right back.”
Kris watched Adam run to the person he had called out to. He saw Adam turn to look at him, almost as if to make sure he didn’t walk away. Adam talked animatedly to the other man, before he snatched something from him. Adam darted back over to where he stood. Adam turned to the railing, using it as support as he wrote on the piece of paper with the pen. He folded it and looked at Kris.
“This is my cell number and email,” Adam said in a rush, placing the paper in Kris’s hand and folding it over the paper. “Give me your information, and I’ll hold onto that.”
Kris wasn’t sure what was going on. Adam wanted them to keep in touch? Kris was sure that Adam would say “okay, and thanks for the distraction tonight,” but instead they were exchanging cell numbers and emails? Excited but confused, Kris listed off his information.
“I think I need to convince the boys to play a gig in Berkeley sometime soon,” Adam said with a smile.
Kris smiled back. “That’d be nice.”
Two years later
Flight 227
LAX (Los Angeles) to JFK (New York City)
He staggered from the jet way and plopped into his seat like the drunk bastard he was. He smirked to himself and thought, a rich drunk bastard at least, and tipped his imaginary drink as a toast to the low ceiling of the plane. Thank the non-existent gods he was in first class and didn’t have to go through the belly of the plane to reach his seat. He didn’t know if he would have been able to make it down the jet way as it was.
With his hair tangled and oily, random cuts on his face from a haphazard shave and sunglasses askew, he knew he was a mess. His clothes were disheveled and wrinkled, and he probably smelled like a peach too. At least he tried to shave. Whatever, he just didn’t care. He offered another prayer of thanks that he was alone in his row.
As the plane steadied to cruising altitude, Adam slouched even lower into his seat. He palmed his roughened face with his left hand, knocking the sunglasses off completely and looked out the window into the cloudy dense sky. Sighing, he closed his eyes and leaned against the cool plastic wall of the plane.
What was he thinking? He didn’t mean to lose his temper like that. Adam couldn’t remember losing it like that before if ever. His head ached like pen-sized needles were poking directly into the soft matter of his brain. Why did Kris always seem to bring out the alpha male in him? It’s not like he’s weak, Adam thought.
Maybe it was because Kris was so tiny and fragile-looking compared to Adam; so the caveman side of him came out more than it should. But that was part of what drew him to Kris in the first place.
Adam laughed to himself. The last thing Kris could be called was defenseless or naive. He’s a tough little thing, his Kris. Well, not his anymore, Adam thought morosely, not after this. Kris was everything that Adam had never been attracted to before; completely the opposite of what Adam normally went after. Hell, Kris wasn’t even close to the type of guy he had dated before. Well, except the smart-ass part, Adam smiled wryly.
His right hand throbbed from where he had slammed it into the door frame. He cracked the weak wood around the upper hinge of the door. Even though his hand was bandaged and he was pumped full of pain killers, the ache didn’t diminish, but rather pulsated with the rhythm of his heartbeat. It was mocking him with its slow thuds. The worst part was not being able to get the image of Kris’s face and body hunched over in fear under where he was standing. Every time Adam closed his eyes, he saw it. He couldn’t get the replay out of his head.
Adam pushed further back into the corner of his seat, shifting to find more coolness on the plastic frame around the small window. He knew he wouldn’t be able to face Kris anytime soon. He had to escape. Yeah, he was worse than chicken shit running away like this. But, he needed to get away for a bit. Needed to get away from Kris before their worlds exploded around them.
Take a breather and get his head back together-that was the plan. Kris consumed him like nothing else, so Adam needed this time to step away from the flame, not add fuel to the fire. Then, when he had his head back to where he needed it to be, he’d apologize to Kris. Not just apologize, but grovel and ask for forgiveness that might never come. And if it did, things would go back to normal.
But for now, it was better for both of them to get some much needed space. The way Kris had cowered and shook in fear had nearly destroyed him. Adam had to walk away just for a little bit. Take this unknown monster Kris had seen and give him time to forgive and hopefully forget. At least forget about the monster part. Adam didn’t want Kris forgetting about him, about them.
Adam cringed to himself thinking about it again. Fisting his smashed hand, Adam flinched at the pain. But it was necessary. He needed to feel this physical pain to tamp down his emotional one. Did Kris really think he would hurt him?
Adam had never been more content with his life. Everything seemed to be falling into place. Of course it was going too well. He should have seen the signs and prepared himself for a loss. He just didn’t think the loss would come in the form of one Kris Allen. Adam Lambert was actually satisfied with his life. Dare he even say happy?
With new gigs lining up regularly, Adam was finally building a name for himself in the music industry. He had legitimate shows in front of people who paid to see him sing. The showcase at Luna last year had gotten him signed to a label, and a big agent who was hustling to sign deals and launching a major publicity campaign to promote his music. He was on the way up. The single he’d just released was gaining traction with corporate music directors at radio stations around the country.
Because of this, Adam was making a full-length album in a real studio, working with professional producers and songwriters. Adam was ready to hit it big. He had worked hard for this, hitting every club and bar and coffee shop from Barstow to Santa Monica, from Calexico to Fresno. No one would be able to accuse Adam of having this fall into his lap. No, he had earned it.
And then Adam had found an amazing man two years ago. One that made him laugh, made him feel good about everything. One that stuck by him every night he had a gig, through every rejection letter, and finally when he got signed. Kris was there when they first heard his song on the radio. But in one night, one stupid night, it all went to shit.
Adam had known it was too good to be true. Why would even finding something as wonderful as love be easy?
The evening had started out so incredibly. The limo stopped in front of Kris’s apartment, Adam had been about to open the door when Kris walked out of his apartment building, a typical Los Angeles, stucco-faux-Mediterranean two-story structure, dressed in a sharp, monochrome dark gray. Kris was beautiful, the setting sun creating dusky glow behind his dark brown hair, spiked and messed up just so. Adam had scrambled to open the door for him before the driver could get around the car.
Kris had smiled his crooked smile and Adam melted a little. Adam knew he was in love. He was in love with Kris Allen. Adam laughed out loud at the revelation.
Kris stopped moving as his smile fell. “Am I dressed wrong?”
Adam closed the distance between them and took Kris’s face in his hands. “No,” he shook his head. “I was just laughing because it’s ridiculous how beautiful you are.”
Adam had leaned down and softly kissed Kris’s lips as the slight blush crawled up Kris’s face. With that small kiss, Adam pulled back and smiled. “Let’s go.” He grabbed Kris’s hands, which ended up on Adam’s waist.
They headed to the party. Mingling, drinking and laughing, they were enjoying the evening. While Adam worked the room, networking with potential producers, magazine editors and photographers, Kris wandered around with the other plus-ones.
No, Adam had never exploded like that before. Never even realized he had that kind of temper to begin with. Okay, yes, he hit that door frame. But, it was out of frustration, not anger. And it definitely wasn’t directed at Kris. Well, it kind of was, but that wasn’t the point. A man could only be pushed so far. But Adam would never have hurt him.
Adam just remembered seeing red at the sight of Kris laughing and enjoying himself at the piano. Kris had been surrounded by a small group of men and women, clearly having fun and laughing. He had almost seemed oblivious to the fact that he was being hit on by several of the men hanging out with him. The slight touches to the arm, the waist. Kris hadn’t even noticed Adam staring at him from across the room, seething at the sight.
Yeah, Adam thought derisively, note to self, being drunk and horny and jealous do not make good combo. Adam lowered his plane seat until it wouldn’t go back any further and smothered his face into a different part of the cool plastic wall. Smothering himself to prevent himself think anymore.
A flight attendant with a plastic smile walked to him, leaned over, “Sir, would you…”
He ignored her, but he could sense her still standing there. Adam turned away from the wall and scowled. Her smile wavered, but she continued, “Would you like something to drink?”
Adam growled at her. She backed off, her smile a little less enthusiastic and more wobbly, but moved onto the passengers behind him without missing a beat. One of the perks of being in first class, they had seen all kinds of strange and off-putting behavior.
Two years. They were together for two years, and in one night, Adam blew it. He closed his eyes, holding in the unshed tears.
Same evening
Los Angeles, CA
“Where the fuck is he? I’ll kill him!” Daniel shouted. “That asshole just leaves you at the party and disappears? Who the hell does he think he is? What kind of piece of shit person does that?”
Kris curled even further into the couch as his brother paced and ranted in front of the fireplace to the edge of the living room and back. He closed his eyes and tried to shut himself off from the anger and fury that emanated in the room. This had been going on for at least two hours. Kris was too tired to try to calm Daniel down. Closing his eyes felt good. He couldn’t believe Daniel still had the energy to continue like this.
His mom and dad were in town for a conference and decided it would be a good time to make a family vacation out of it. Daniel had moved in a few months ago to go to UCLA. This is not how Kris wanted his parents to see him.
He was so tired he couldn’t think. Kris didn’t know if he should be angry or sad or upset or happy. He just knew Adam was gone. He left. Left Kris behind. He replayed the scene of Adam storming out of the house, a deep red haze following him out the door. Kris knew Adam wasn’t coming back anytime soon, if at all, and a part of him didn’t want him to. Instead of calling a taxi or having one of the strangers realize what had happened, Kris slipped outside and called Daniel for a ride home.
Tears spilled out from the corners of his eyes as he clenched them tight. He knew if opened them, he wouldn’t be able to control the torrent that would flow out. Shuddering, Kris curled into a tighter ball on the couch.
“Daniel, calm down,” a voice said quietly.
Kimberly Allen sat in an armchair between the couch and fireplace. She watched as her younger son Daniel walked back and forth from the fireplace of the couch where Kris was lying down to the end of the room and back again. Kim leaned forward, resting her elbows onto her knees, and bowed her head. Sighing, she said “Let’s figure out what’s going on later after we’ve all gotten some sleep. It’s nearly 3:00AM for Pete’s sake.”
Daniel stopped his pacing and turned to face his mother, then turned slowly toward his older brother curled-up on the couch. Daniel’s face was mottled in red blotches, hands running over his head in frustration. He dispelled a couple of deep breaths. “Fine,” he grumbled.
Softening his features, he walked over to sit gingerly on the end of the couch by Kris’s feet. Daniel reached over with one hand to fix the fleece thrown over Kris’s body and patted Kris’s upper arm in an effort to comfort.
“Hey,” Daniel said softly.
Kris turned his head to look up at Daniel and offered him a crooked smile.
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have gone off like that.” Daniel continued, looking down at the floor.
Kris twisted back and settled into the cushions. He said softly, “I’m okay. I’m just tired and getting sleepy. But I’ll be okay.”
“I know you’ll be okay,” Daniel laughed sullenly. “I just don’t want you to be hurting, that’s all.”
A choked laugh came up, “I know.” Then Kris sighed with a shudder as sleep irrevocably caught up with him. His eyes closed heavily and the voices around him floated away into the background.
Kim looked at the two of them on the couch and smiled gently. “He’s worn out. Let him sleep, and he can tell us what happened later.”
She looked over to the silent figure standing by the fireplace, arms folded, body ready to explode at the slightest touch. Her husband Neil was the picture of cool and collected, but Kim knew better. He was too silent to be okay with what happened tonight. His face was grim, but his eyes betrayed his anger. He looked at her when he sensed her staring at him.
Neil looked to Kim then back to Kris. He met his wife’s face with a glare. “Doesn’t really matter what happened does it? Adam Lambert’s a dead man when I find his sorry ass.”
~~continued~~
PART II
Type: AU, Angst/Romance
Rating: NC-17
Characters/Pairings: Kris Allen/Adam Lambert
PART I
The beach house party was still in full swing despite the lateness of the hour. Bodies were packed in tightly, arms moved upwards to hold drinks above heads, legs shifted to create makeshift paths for people wandering around. The various rooms and hallways were brightly lit; and despite all the open windows, they did nothing to ease the stifling air inside the house. Music thumped through the in-wall speakers while snatches of conversation and laughter filled the spaces in between the pulses of bass and drumbeats.
Between the bodies and the lights, it became almost unbearable. The random conversations and lack of respect for personal space amplified Kris’s tension level to a major high, so he decided to slip outside. Maybe the cool air and the sound of waves crashing onto the beach would have the calming effect he desired. Kris couldn’t alleviate the anxiety and tension he felt; he couldn’t pinpoint the source of it and nothing he did was helping.
Kris maneuvered his way down the packed hallway until he saw the glint of the glass doors. Stepping outside, he inhaled deeply at the scent of jasmine and ocean air and made his way to the edge of the large patio overlooking the calm Pacific Ocean.
Festive holiday lights were strung on iron rails, softly illuminating the wood deck. It separated the house from the boardwalk and beach in Venice. Away from the house, Kris felt like he could breathe again. He leaned against the railing, goose bumps covering his arms as the coolness of the metal ran through his body.
Kris closed his eyes and took another deep breath. How he let his friends talk him into going to this party, he would never figure out. He had come out to Los Angeles to visit them and play tourist for a few days, to get away from the pressures of his daily life. He hadn’t been keen on going to a party that was hosted by a friend of a friend of a friend’s cousin’s girlfriend. It wasn’t that Kris minded, but he had hoped this trip would give him something else-something more. Kris was restless and thought this trip would ease the itch in him that had been agitating him for months. Kris had lost his friends somewhere inside the throng of people in the house, but, honestly, right now, Kris wanted and was grateful for some space.
The loosened cuffs of Kris’s shirt flitted around his wrists fluttering softly with the breeze against his skin. Reaching back to brush off the strands of hair sticking to his neck; he lifted his arms up and out towards the ocean to stretch and relax muscles he didn’t realize had tensed up.
“That looked like it felt really good.”
Startled, Kris turned in the direction of the unexpected voice to his left. He frowned slightly at the stranger, a little upset that someone had been able to sneak up on him like that.
“Sorry,” the stranger said softly. “I didn’t mean to scare you.”
Kris shook his head, “No, it’s okay. You-, you um, just caught me off guard.”
The tall stranger cocked his head to look at Kris, shifting his weight so his hip propped against the rail as he turned to face him. Kris mirrored his pose, but crossed his arms, giving off the warning to stay back. The stranger smirked.
God, he’s beautiful, Kris thought.
He was tall and lean. Kris watched as the man lifted his drink with one hand, placing the other on the rail. He followed his movements, watching his throat shift with every swallow. His hair was jet-black, cut and styled in sharp angles that complimented the almost soft and small angles of his face. He lowered his head and looked past Kris, nodding to people who walked behind them. Kris continued to stare at the man. Kris tried to stop, but every time this man smiled to acknowledge people, he could see the hint of gloss on his lips, making them look fuller and delightfully kissable.
Startling himself, he jerked back self-consciously, shocked that his thoughts had led in that direction.
As if knowing what Kris had been thinking, the stranger quirked an eyebrow and smirked. Kris blushed.
“Hi, I’m Adam,” he said, holding out a well-manicured, ring-laden hand.
“Oh, um, hi,” Kris fumbled, suddenly nervous. “Kris.”
As their hands met, Kris felt the peculiar texture of warm, soft fingertips and the solid coolness of his rings. A warm tremor rode up Kris’s arm and through his body as they held the handshake. Kris looked down at their hands, then back up to Adam’s face. Kris was surprised when he saw Adam’s grin falter as the same current seemed to run through him, too.
Adam noticed him weaving his way through the crowd. He followed Cute Boy’s progress as he appeared from the kitchen and through the open hall into the living room. His dark hair was sloppy and loose, a little too long along the neck. He had his hands and arms out and away from his body, trying not to touch people as he tried to get to his destination. Adam stood against the wall, slowly nursing his drink, barely listening to the two women in front of him chattering away about something.
One of the women Adam had been chatting with noticed his eyes wander to the cutie making his way through the crowd. She cocked her carefully manicured eyebrow and looked back at Adam.
“Really, Adam?” she asked.
“What?” Adam didn’t stop tracking Cute Boy that had caught his eye. His steps were stuttered as he stopped and jerked back his steps as he made his way forward. Cute Boy stood out from the crowd in his casual outfit and low-maintenance look. He wasn’t decked out with the latest designer jacket or a bunch of product in his hair. Cute Boy had on a plain white button-down shirt and jeans that accentuated his slim body. And from what Adam could tell from a distance, Cute Boy didn’t really have to try to look cute; he probably didn’t even know how hot he was. Plus, he wore cute little glasses. Adam’s smile widened. Local boys didn’t wear glasses except to be ironic. Somehow, Adam doubted that was why Cute Boy wore his. Even though Adam couldn’t see what color Cute Boy’s eyes were from this distance, he guessed they were a lovely shade of chocolate brown.
“Well,” the woman paused. She half turned to follow Cute Boy’s progress. “He is cute, in that scholarly way. Seems like he’s uncomfortable here. Are you so bored with all the boys in town that you’re looking for the exotically bookish, non-LA type now?”
Adam chuckled, “Yeah, kitten. Exactly.”
“Adam sweetie, I don’t think you’re his type,” she stated. “Plus, you don’t know that he’s gay.”
Adam was done with the conversation and pushed himself away from the wall. “I’m going to freshen up my drink.”
The woman laughed back, “Sure. When you’re done stalking the innocents, Tammy and I will be here waiting to hook you up with some pretty boys you’ll love.”
Adam didn’t respond as he made his way towards the bar. He kept his eye on this delightful new find while refilling his glass. The party was full of overly made-up, plastic people, typical LA wannabes. Adam was tired of the fakeness of it all-everyone looking to either schmooze their way to fame or be close enough that something might rub off on them. Adam looked around for a second and smirked, yeah, he was pretty much here for that too. He was getting sick of this scene, but it was the only way to get his music out there. Any assistance from any bigwig or friend of a bigwig would help. He scowled. Adam quickly launched himself from the bar as he was starting to lose sight of this mysterious cutie.
Adam saw the cute boy squeeze out the back door, shutting it quickly as if he didn’t want anyone to notice or follow him out. Too late for that, Adam thought and smiled to himself. His progress to the door was stopped by various friends and strangers, preventing him from quickly following. At least Cute Boy didn’t look like he was leaving, just escaping. Adam paused at the thought, and realized escaping did equal leaving. Cute boy could have walked there to flee from this party and not use the front door.
Adam excused himself as quickly as possible and headed to the back door. He opened it and looked around, searching for Cute Boy. The patio was well-lit, ensuring guests didn’t drunkenly stumble over the railings onto the boardwalk or bump into the various pieces of randomly placed furniture.
Ah, there he is.
Adam spotted him leaning against the rails, in a far corner, staring out into the ocean. Cute Boy’s small body was moving like he couldn’t stand still and enjoy the sight. Adam watched as his boy-and yes, he was Adam’s-stood and fidgeted. Adam walked up to him as he was stretching his arms out.
He was beautiful in that non-Hollywood type way. Clean-cut, no frills. Simple shirt and jeans. Hair not overly styled. Lights from the house outlined a nice body. And when he stretched his arms? Yeah, Adam smiled, I think I like what I see. He approached Cute Boy, walking right up to him.
Adam was transfixed. He couldn’t move. He didn’t want to move. He met Kris’s eyes as they felt the jolt of heat run through them both. They both jerked their hands back at the same time and blinked hard.
“So, um,” Adam said breaking the silence. “Where are you from Kris?”
Kris shook out his hand a little, fisting then extending his fingers out. They still tingled from the sensation of touching this man, like when he had fallen asleep on his hand, but much nicer. He played with the nape of his hair, not knowing what else to do with it, and tucked his left hand into the pocket of his jeans. He looked up at Adam, but Adam had already turned back to face to water, leaning over the railing on his forearms, glass extended out over the rail. Both hands gripped the glass, twirling it, making the ice shift, the glass quietly clinking from the rings.
“How do you know I’m not from LA?” Kris replied.
They stood there, Adam facing the ocean, Kris facing the brightly lit house.
Adam chuckled softly, “Oh, honey, you’re not from LA. Believe me, I can tell.”
“Is it that obvious?” Kris sighed.
Adam gave Kris the once-over. Kris fidgeted nervously, knowing Adam was eyeing him up and down. His right hand was tightly gripping the rail, his left dangerously close to Adam’s right arm.
Adam was tempted close the little space between them to see what Kris would do, how he would react. He was just about to move when Kris pulled his hand out of his pocket to raise the wire-rim glasses up his nose. Kris’s wrist and forearm were pale and glowed in the luster of the houselights and the half moon.
Adam quirked his lips. Yeah, he wasn’t a jaded member of the Hollywood scene. Kris wasn’t even trying, yet he exuded more charm and sex appeal than the men and women trying to grab Adam’s attention inside the house.
“Nothing to be ashamed about,” Adam said, turning back to stare at the small waves breaking onto the sand. “You just don’t have that worn-out and bored look that a lot of the folks here do. You’re a breath of fresh air, actually.”
Kris replied blandly, “Thanks, I think.”
Adam turned to face Kris again. “It’s a compliment, so please take it as one. And, I’m being sincere about it. It’s actually what I noticed about you. I figured I’d try to get to know you, so decided to find you. And here you are.”
Kris twisted his body, then stuttered, “Wha-, what?”
They stood facing each other again, this time an arm’s length apart. Adam had to be messing with him, right? Why would he follow Kris out here? When did Adam notice him? How would Adam notice him? There were gorgeous people everywhere tonight. Kris felt completely unsophisticated, dowdy and out of place tonight compared to everyone else.
Besides, where had Adam been all night? Kris hadn’t even seen him, and he would have definitely noticed. Adam was a cross between angelic and devilish looking with shock of dark hair and thick eyeliner.
Kris watched as Adam bent over to place the glass down behind his feet. As he straightened, Adam’s small hoop earrings swung faintly with the movement. Kris also noticed the edges of tattoos peeking up from the back of his shirt. He felt a thrill of excitement run through him. He closed his eyes to keep from embarrassing himself. Why was he feeling this way? A strange guy he just met?
Adam crossed his legs and leaned his side against the rail, making them just about eye-to-eye. “I noticed you heading out here earlier. You intrigued me, so I followed you out to see what you’re about,” he said frankly.
“Oh, uh,” Kris fumbled. “Ah…”
Adam laughed. Kris was already more stimulating compared to the other people at the party tonight. Kris’s stumbling and nerves were cute and adorable. He wasn’t trying to be sophisticated, just normal. Definitely worth the investigation.
As a slight breeze came through, Kris’s hair flew up and settled back. Adam reached out to pat a stray hair down. Kris froze as he felt Adam’s hand reach the top of his head then move softly down to caress the tip of his ear. Kris waited for Adam to take his hand away, but instead he felt the palm of Adam’s hand get heavier on the side of his face.
Kris closed his eyes, and felt Adam stand straight and move closer. Kris felt the heat of Adam’s body start to surround him. A different chill ran through his body, a heated chill, if there was such a thing. Kris inhaled the scent and moved his head into Adam’s hand. Adam’s free hand went to Kris’s waist, resting there softly yet firmly, as if making sure he didn’t get a chance to move away. Adam’s other hand continued to move lightly from Kris’s earlobe to hair and back, fingers feathering down from the top to bottom of his ear.
Kris lifted his gaze to meet Adam’s. Adam’s bright blue eyes were studying his face from the tip of his head to jaw line, as if trying to memorize the features.
Adam finally met Kris’s eyes and smiled. A small smile, but seductive, almost erotic. Kris lowered his head again, blushing. He felt Adam move his head closer, his fingers moving again from Kris’s ear to cheek, along the line of his jaw, warm and gently mapping a trail that was quickly affecting the rest of his body.
Kris felt as if Adam’s fingers were making imprints from his face to his shoulder, arm, hip and down his legs. His body felt flushed with the intensity of heat flowing through him; his pulse leaping irregularly at the actual path Adam’s fingers were paving. Kris’s breathing went jagged, his stomach trembling.
Adam rested his fingers at the edge of Kris’s shirt, tracing the line of buttons from the neck down to the center of Kris’s chest. He moved his hand from Kris’s waist to grasp the small of his back, pulling Kris in closer until the front of their bodies barely touched. Adam’s right hand, lying still on Kris’s chest, was all that separated them from being flush against each other.
As clouds moved and covered the half-moon hanging over the Pacific Ocean, long shadows stirred around the two of them. They stood together body-to-body, time standing still, the noise around them diminishing to an ambient white noise.
Adam moved his hand up to grasp Kris’s chin, raising his head to search his face. He wanted to make sure there was no fear in Kris’s eyes.
“I’ve never kissed anyone with glasses before,” he said quietly. Lifting his hand up, Adam removed Kris’s glasses, forcing Kris’s chocolate eyes to meet his.
“What are you doing?” Kris asked in a whisper.
A small chuckle escaped Adam’s lips, “Just making sure nothing happens to them.”
Adam eased the glasses off Kris, and placed them onto the rail behind him. Both hands moved to lightly grip the sides of Kris’s head, lifting his face, allowing their lips to meet.
Kris breathed in Adam’s sweet breath as he felt the delicate touch of Adam’s lips.
Kris’s mind was racing when Adam started to take off his glasses. He thought-and might have possibly wished-that a kiss would happen, but as it actually did, everything in his world stopped. The time. His breathing. His mind.
The kiss was tentative at first, as if Adam didn’t know if Kris would turn and run. Hell, Kris didn’t know if he’d turn and run.
Adam held Kris’s head delicately, thumbs tenderly running over his temples, soothing him. When Kris didn’t freeze or move away, he added pressure to the kiss, angling his head to capture Kris’s lips more completely. He felt Kris’s hands move hesitantly to grasp the chains on his belt. He withheld a groan at the thought of Kris’s hands on him.
Their mouths worked in a hot, slow motion. As the kiss progressed, Adam grabbed Kris’s hair and pulled. He smiled when he heard Kris moan and continued to kiss him. Loosening his grip on Kris’s hair, he started to massage his scalp, taking pleasure in the feel of the soft hair against his fingers.
Adam lightly bit Kris’s lower lip, making Kris gasp. He took advantage and thrust his tongue in, changing the dynamic of the kiss from soft and sexy to dangerous and needy. The kiss was bordering on lewd, lips and tongues clashing. Hands started wandering up arms, around waists and backs, searching out heated skin. Adam’s grunt turned into a moan as he felt Kris’s hands moved to under the back of his shirt, hands moving in slow circles around his lower spine and back.
Kris trembled as his hands made contact with Adam’s skin. This time, he smiled as he felt Adam have the same reaction to his touch. Emboldened, Kris reached lower into Adam’s waistband and stroked his lower back, his hips, the curve of his ass.
Adam burrowed his face into Kris’s neck. He felt Kris’s breath hitch as he turned to kiss the soft spot beneath the ear. Kris leaned his head back to grant Adam more access to his neck, Adam’s right hand again traveled along the path his mouth made. The tip of Adam’s tongue skimmed along Kris’s vein that suddenly popped out as if conceding to the staggering assault of hot breath and gentle lips.
Kris shuddered at the sensation of callused palms and fingertips with the solidity and heat from Adam’s hands. He felt Adam’s hands roam his body, from his thighs to his arms to the small of his back. He flicked Kris’s collarbone with his tongue, followed by long languid licks that made Kris squirm, warmth pooling down various parts of his body he had no idea could get so heated. Kris moved his body closer to Adam’s, positioning them flush against each other. Kris sighed as he heard Adam almost whimper from the back of his throat. Adam started to slowly rub his erection on Kris’s hip, the roughness of their jeans causing friction.
Adam grabbed Kris’s head again and took his mouth in a single all-consuming movement. His tongue delved into Kris’s mouth, pulling back, only to thrust in deeper, sweeping in and out. Kris matched him move for move. Adam continued the onslaught of his mouth, all the while imitating the motion with his erection against his jeans. Their tongues battled each other, sucking and licking the depths of each other’s mouths.
Suddenly their mouths parted, both continuing to breathe hard. Adam dipped his head and nipped at Kris’s chin. Kris’s fingers reached up to softly touch Adam’s swollen lips. They both stared at each other, looking at one another as if seeing the other for the first time.
Adam wrapped his long arms around Kris, when he tried to move away to take in deep breaths. They continued to stare at each other for a few heartbeats, before Kris lowered his head onto Adam’s shoulder. Adam cradled Kris’s head to him, wrapping him in even tighter to his body.
Adam slowly let him go, almost unwillingly, and took a small step back to give Kris room. Kris straightened up awkwardly and pulled away from Adam’s arms.
The world around them came back to life in a burst of music, chatter and light.
Though their bodies still faced each other, they looked in every other direction afforded to them, almost afraid to make eye contact, evading conversation. Adam reached over and handed Kris his glasses. Kris took them silently, putting them back on. He couldn’t believe he just did that. That that just happened. His body was still heated and shaking.
“That was,” Adam started.
“I, uh…” Kris muttered at the same time.
They laughed nervously. Adam realized he was hearing Kris laugh for the first time. It was a beautiful sound coming from those lips he’d battered just moments ago. “Sorry, go ahead,” Adam said.
Kris shook his head, “No, it’s okay. I really don’t know what to say anyway.”
Adam reached out again, but lowered his hand immediately. “I’d like it if you came to see me play tomorrow night.”
Kris stared up at Adam, eyes still heavy with passion. Kris shook her head, “I’m sorry, but I can’t.”
Adam felt a slight panic. Was he blowing him off after that?
“You can bring your friends,” Adam said in a rush. “You guys will be comped, and I can get you free drinks.”
Kris smiled, but it was bittersweet. “It’s not that,” he said. “I actually have a flight out tomorrow afternoon. But…thank you.”
Adam frowned. He wanted to see Kris again. Even if it meant dealing with any annoying friends; he’d be able to spend more time with him, find out if what just happened-all this-was a fluke. This was not working out as he envisioned at all.
“It’s been,” Kris started to say and hesitated. “I wanted to say…” He stopped. He wasn’t sure what he wanted to say. He saw Adam’s frown and felt a little better, considering he thought he’d provided Adam with an easy brush off. But Kris was leaving. Heading back to Berkeley, back to his student teaching, back to life, his normal life. For some reason, Kris wanted to thank Adam for one of the most delirious and exquisite experiences of his life. But it seemed so corny and trite after what they just went through and what they just did. What do you say to a man who had just about made him come in his pants with a kiss?
Adam was not happy about this. He finally found someone that intrigued him, someone he wanted to actually get to know, and now he was leaving. Karma was a major bitch, wasn’t she? After all the love’em and leave’em encounters, the one guy he was finally interested in was going to disappear. How to make this stop? How to get Kris to stay?
“So, where’s home?” Adam asked. He wanted to make it casual and not hint at any desperation on his side.
Kris adjusted his glasses as he answered, “Home is in Arkansas, but school’s in Berkeley.”
“School?”
Kris nodded, “Yeah, I’m working on my-graduate degree.” He shrugged, “I also teach and run a music lab.”
Adam nodded along with Kris, completely shocked and not knowing what to say or do. Holy crap, he thought. Yeah, Kris definitely wasn’t what Adam normally went for. “Graduate huh?” he inquired.
Kris’s smile was bashful, “My Masters…”
“In?” he interrupted.
“Music theory and musicology.”
HO. LEE. SHIT. Adam barely graduated high school, too anxious to be free of school, his parents, a normal life. He wanted to follow his passion in music, so charged forward as soon as he got the chance.
“I guess I’m kind of a nerd,” Kris continued self-consciously.
“You’re a cute nerd,” Adam responded.
Kris blushed again. He blushed even harder knowing that he was blushing. How Adam got him to blush so often was just ridiculous.
“Um,” Adam started to say, patting down his pockets. He looked up and shouted to a person that just walked out the patio doors.
Adam grabbed Kris’s upper arms. “Don’t move, okay? Don’t go anywhere…please. I’ll be right back.”
Kris watched Adam run to the person he had called out to. He saw Adam turn to look at him, almost as if to make sure he didn’t walk away. Adam talked animatedly to the other man, before he snatched something from him. Adam darted back over to where he stood. Adam turned to the railing, using it as support as he wrote on the piece of paper with the pen. He folded it and looked at Kris.
“This is my cell number and email,” Adam said in a rush, placing the paper in Kris’s hand and folding it over the paper. “Give me your information, and I’ll hold onto that.”
Kris wasn’t sure what was going on. Adam wanted them to keep in touch? Kris was sure that Adam would say “okay, and thanks for the distraction tonight,” but instead they were exchanging cell numbers and emails? Excited but confused, Kris listed off his information.
“I think I need to convince the boys to play a gig in Berkeley sometime soon,” Adam said with a smile.
Kris smiled back. “That’d be nice.”
Two years later
Flight 227
LAX (Los Angeles) to JFK (New York City)
He staggered from the jet way and plopped into his seat like the drunk bastard he was. He smirked to himself and thought, a rich drunk bastard at least, and tipped his imaginary drink as a toast to the low ceiling of the plane. Thank the non-existent gods he was in first class and didn’t have to go through the belly of the plane to reach his seat. He didn’t know if he would have been able to make it down the jet way as it was.
With his hair tangled and oily, random cuts on his face from a haphazard shave and sunglasses askew, he knew he was a mess. His clothes were disheveled and wrinkled, and he probably smelled like a peach too. At least he tried to shave. Whatever, he just didn’t care. He offered another prayer of thanks that he was alone in his row.
As the plane steadied to cruising altitude, Adam slouched even lower into his seat. He palmed his roughened face with his left hand, knocking the sunglasses off completely and looked out the window into the cloudy dense sky. Sighing, he closed his eyes and leaned against the cool plastic wall of the plane.
What was he thinking? He didn’t mean to lose his temper like that. Adam couldn’t remember losing it like that before if ever. His head ached like pen-sized needles were poking directly into the soft matter of his brain. Why did Kris always seem to bring out the alpha male in him? It’s not like he’s weak, Adam thought.
Maybe it was because Kris was so tiny and fragile-looking compared to Adam; so the caveman side of him came out more than it should. But that was part of what drew him to Kris in the first place.
Adam laughed to himself. The last thing Kris could be called was defenseless or naive. He’s a tough little thing, his Kris. Well, not his anymore, Adam thought morosely, not after this. Kris was everything that Adam had never been attracted to before; completely the opposite of what Adam normally went after. Hell, Kris wasn’t even close to the type of guy he had dated before. Well, except the smart-ass part, Adam smiled wryly.
His right hand throbbed from where he had slammed it into the door frame. He cracked the weak wood around the upper hinge of the door. Even though his hand was bandaged and he was pumped full of pain killers, the ache didn’t diminish, but rather pulsated with the rhythm of his heartbeat. It was mocking him with its slow thuds. The worst part was not being able to get the image of Kris’s face and body hunched over in fear under where he was standing. Every time Adam closed his eyes, he saw it. He couldn’t get the replay out of his head.
Adam pushed further back into the corner of his seat, shifting to find more coolness on the plastic frame around the small window. He knew he wouldn’t be able to face Kris anytime soon. He had to escape. Yeah, he was worse than chicken shit running away like this. But, he needed to get away for a bit. Needed to get away from Kris before their worlds exploded around them.
Take a breather and get his head back together-that was the plan. Kris consumed him like nothing else, so Adam needed this time to step away from the flame, not add fuel to the fire. Then, when he had his head back to where he needed it to be, he’d apologize to Kris. Not just apologize, but grovel and ask for forgiveness that might never come. And if it did, things would go back to normal.
But for now, it was better for both of them to get some much needed space. The way Kris had cowered and shook in fear had nearly destroyed him. Adam had to walk away just for a little bit. Take this unknown monster Kris had seen and give him time to forgive and hopefully forget. At least forget about the monster part. Adam didn’t want Kris forgetting about him, about them.
Adam cringed to himself thinking about it again. Fisting his smashed hand, Adam flinched at the pain. But it was necessary. He needed to feel this physical pain to tamp down his emotional one. Did Kris really think he would hurt him?
Adam had never been more content with his life. Everything seemed to be falling into place. Of course it was going too well. He should have seen the signs and prepared himself for a loss. He just didn’t think the loss would come in the form of one Kris Allen. Adam Lambert was actually satisfied with his life. Dare he even say happy?
With new gigs lining up regularly, Adam was finally building a name for himself in the music industry. He had legitimate shows in front of people who paid to see him sing. The showcase at Luna last year had gotten him signed to a label, and a big agent who was hustling to sign deals and launching a major publicity campaign to promote his music. He was on the way up. The single he’d just released was gaining traction with corporate music directors at radio stations around the country.
Because of this, Adam was making a full-length album in a real studio, working with professional producers and songwriters. Adam was ready to hit it big. He had worked hard for this, hitting every club and bar and coffee shop from Barstow to Santa Monica, from Calexico to Fresno. No one would be able to accuse Adam of having this fall into his lap. No, he had earned it.
And then Adam had found an amazing man two years ago. One that made him laugh, made him feel good about everything. One that stuck by him every night he had a gig, through every rejection letter, and finally when he got signed. Kris was there when they first heard his song on the radio. But in one night, one stupid night, it all went to shit.
Adam had known it was too good to be true. Why would even finding something as wonderful as love be easy?
The evening had started out so incredibly. The limo stopped in front of Kris’s apartment, Adam had been about to open the door when Kris walked out of his apartment building, a typical Los Angeles, stucco-faux-Mediterranean two-story structure, dressed in a sharp, monochrome dark gray. Kris was beautiful, the setting sun creating dusky glow behind his dark brown hair, spiked and messed up just so. Adam had scrambled to open the door for him before the driver could get around the car.
Kris had smiled his crooked smile and Adam melted a little. Adam knew he was in love. He was in love with Kris Allen. Adam laughed out loud at the revelation.
Kris stopped moving as his smile fell. “Am I dressed wrong?”
Adam closed the distance between them and took Kris’s face in his hands. “No,” he shook his head. “I was just laughing because it’s ridiculous how beautiful you are.”
Adam had leaned down and softly kissed Kris’s lips as the slight blush crawled up Kris’s face. With that small kiss, Adam pulled back and smiled. “Let’s go.” He grabbed Kris’s hands, which ended up on Adam’s waist.
They headed to the party. Mingling, drinking and laughing, they were enjoying the evening. While Adam worked the room, networking with potential producers, magazine editors and photographers, Kris wandered around with the other plus-ones.
No, Adam had never exploded like that before. Never even realized he had that kind of temper to begin with. Okay, yes, he hit that door frame. But, it was out of frustration, not anger. And it definitely wasn’t directed at Kris. Well, it kind of was, but that wasn’t the point. A man could only be pushed so far. But Adam would never have hurt him.
Adam just remembered seeing red at the sight of Kris laughing and enjoying himself at the piano. Kris had been surrounded by a small group of men and women, clearly having fun and laughing. He had almost seemed oblivious to the fact that he was being hit on by several of the men hanging out with him. The slight touches to the arm, the waist. Kris hadn’t even noticed Adam staring at him from across the room, seething at the sight.
Yeah, Adam thought derisively, note to self, being drunk and horny and jealous do not make good combo. Adam lowered his plane seat until it wouldn’t go back any further and smothered his face into a different part of the cool plastic wall. Smothering himself to prevent himself think anymore.
A flight attendant with a plastic smile walked to him, leaned over, “Sir, would you…”
He ignored her, but he could sense her still standing there. Adam turned away from the wall and scowled. Her smile wavered, but she continued, “Would you like something to drink?”
Adam growled at her. She backed off, her smile a little less enthusiastic and more wobbly, but moved onto the passengers behind him without missing a beat. One of the perks of being in first class, they had seen all kinds of strange and off-putting behavior.
Two years. They were together for two years, and in one night, Adam blew it. He closed his eyes, holding in the unshed tears.
Same evening
Los Angeles, CA
“Where the fuck is he? I’ll kill him!” Daniel shouted. “That asshole just leaves you at the party and disappears? Who the hell does he think he is? What kind of piece of shit person does that?”
Kris curled even further into the couch as his brother paced and ranted in front of the fireplace to the edge of the living room and back. He closed his eyes and tried to shut himself off from the anger and fury that emanated in the room. This had been going on for at least two hours. Kris was too tired to try to calm Daniel down. Closing his eyes felt good. He couldn’t believe Daniel still had the energy to continue like this.
His mom and dad were in town for a conference and decided it would be a good time to make a family vacation out of it. Daniel had moved in a few months ago to go to UCLA. This is not how Kris wanted his parents to see him.
He was so tired he couldn’t think. Kris didn’t know if he should be angry or sad or upset or happy. He just knew Adam was gone. He left. Left Kris behind. He replayed the scene of Adam storming out of the house, a deep red haze following him out the door. Kris knew Adam wasn’t coming back anytime soon, if at all, and a part of him didn’t want him to. Instead of calling a taxi or having one of the strangers realize what had happened, Kris slipped outside and called Daniel for a ride home.
Tears spilled out from the corners of his eyes as he clenched them tight. He knew if opened them, he wouldn’t be able to control the torrent that would flow out. Shuddering, Kris curled into a tighter ball on the couch.
“Daniel, calm down,” a voice said quietly.
Kimberly Allen sat in an armchair between the couch and fireplace. She watched as her younger son Daniel walked back and forth from the fireplace of the couch where Kris was lying down to the end of the room and back again. Kim leaned forward, resting her elbows onto her knees, and bowed her head. Sighing, she said “Let’s figure out what’s going on later after we’ve all gotten some sleep. It’s nearly 3:00AM for Pete’s sake.”
Daniel stopped his pacing and turned to face his mother, then turned slowly toward his older brother curled-up on the couch. Daniel’s face was mottled in red blotches, hands running over his head in frustration. He dispelled a couple of deep breaths. “Fine,” he grumbled.
Softening his features, he walked over to sit gingerly on the end of the couch by Kris’s feet. Daniel reached over with one hand to fix the fleece thrown over Kris’s body and patted Kris’s upper arm in an effort to comfort.
“Hey,” Daniel said softly.
Kris turned his head to look up at Daniel and offered him a crooked smile.
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have gone off like that.” Daniel continued, looking down at the floor.
Kris twisted back and settled into the cushions. He said softly, “I’m okay. I’m just tired and getting sleepy. But I’ll be okay.”
“I know you’ll be okay,” Daniel laughed sullenly. “I just don’t want you to be hurting, that’s all.”
A choked laugh came up, “I know.” Then Kris sighed with a shudder as sleep irrevocably caught up with him. His eyes closed heavily and the voices around him floated away into the background.
Kim looked at the two of them on the couch and smiled gently. “He’s worn out. Let him sleep, and he can tell us what happened later.”
She looked over to the silent figure standing by the fireplace, arms folded, body ready to explode at the slightest touch. Her husband Neil was the picture of cool and collected, but Kim knew better. He was too silent to be okay with what happened tonight. His face was grim, but his eyes betrayed his anger. He looked at her when he sensed her staring at him.
Neil looked to Kim then back to Kris. He met his wife’s face with a glare. “Doesn’t really matter what happened does it? Adam Lambert’s a dead man when I find his sorry ass.”
~~continued~~
PART II