I'm an escapist.
Другие записи: завел себе жж.. | Censure of the situation. | подскажите люди добрые | Он привлек тетю к себе
After finishing highschool, I realized that I've escaped all the misfortunes that are suppose to happen in my life. I've skipped a lot of difficult times that could have molded me into someone better. I lived a life of shortcuts--passages that led into instant success. In terms of letting of things and moving on, I took advantage of me, having many other options, aside from the primary one. That's why everytime I experience rocky times, I usually go over my choices to make me feel better. Even so, I skipped the part of difficulty, because it is already filled up with other sort of emotions. Yes, I skipped that part, but the learning part--no. I always think that I should not experience things in order for me to learn them. Pure theory learning works for me. Apparently, it never worked for me. You can ask me a lot of questions about different sort of stuff--from general information, computer technology, facts and trivias and love life as well. I could have had a Masters degree in those areas because I know that my mind is very capable of learning a lot of things. However, these pure facts doesn't exclude me from experiencing those. I can prove to everyone that I could have explained all those stuff beforehand; but I am most likely to be the person with the least grade if I experience those scenario. My mind if very powerful--to assess, to manipulate, to project, to hide, and to boast. On the contrary, I do not have any poweful actions to match those. Indeed, words could be a good manifestation of a good mind--in answering assurance questions and such, but it does not guarantee a matching action for that.
I've been an escapist. I escape every tragic ending that could possibly come my way. I jump from one scene to another to skip the part of tragedy. I've been cutting and pasting these strips of films in order to create a melodramatic film of my life--a film that featured my struggles of life, merely because life per se has been harsh on me. In the end, I'll be successful, and I'm an instant inspiration to all. However, there is no full-length film strip in my movie. I cut all the parts that I was the one being harshed to everyone. In my film, I'm always the victim. I was never the villian. In my film, I could have done a lot of negative traits, but I'll make sure that it would be understandable for my viewers--they would understand why I did those acts. In real life, big mistakes does not have reasons. I am the only one who gives rational to every mistake that I make in order for me to be pitied or understood. In every situation that I get involved in, I see to it that I do not give my all; I make sure that I always have a loophole that could help me reverse that situation when I give up. I have a lot of reasons. But the truth is, what's behind those acts are not reasons but pure evil thoughts. Thoughts that do not need any reason at all. Right now, I am now dealing with the fact that whether or not I choose the past or the present, either way, I would end up getting hurt. Not merely because of losing the other one, but the fact that the two are dependent to each other ever since. The present would be the secondary option of the past; the past would be the secondary option of the present. Neither did I make the choice of preferring only one. Whichever path I take: past or present, it shall not contribute to my completeness. Neither would give me the sense of good direction because there will always be lacking--a pure heart and mind that's committed to one.
Not sure if I could make something out of nothing.