It Was Supposed to be Me
Title: It Was Supposed to be Me [1/?]
Author: cake_tree
Rating: PG
Pairing: SeKaiHo (Sehun/Kai/Suho)
Genre: au, angst
Word Count: 5,683
Summary: How can I stand by and watch him slip away?
--Kai, eight years old--
How long was he going to keep me waiting? I asked myself as I stared across the empty playground. Sehun said he'd be here right after he got out of school, and now it had been an hour.
Sehun never kept me waiting...
So what was keeping him?
I scanned the empty playground one more time, and then turned my gaze back to the ground. Kicking the tiny pebbles that littered the swing set's ground, I sighed.
What is keeping you? If I was honest with myself I would've admitted that I was worried he forgot about me. But he wouldn't do that...
Would he?
Sitting down on an abandon swing, I let my feet drag through the dirt and watched the rivets they made as the sun started to descend in the sky. I was always too big for my age; my limbs were just too long and lanky; that made me clumsy and awkward.
But Sehun never minded. In fact, he said he liked how different I was.
There were times I was glad for it too, like when I could help Sehun out. By no means was he short, but he did happen to only be six, two years younger than myself, so I was glad my height could be in some way useful.
A few more minutes rock by and I'm left watching the clouds pass by. I could wait forever, it's not like I had much of a home to go home to anyway. Sehun was all I had, so I could wait.
Soon the dusk started to creep its way over the world, but that didn't mean anything. In this time of the year it always got dark early.
He'll still come, I told myself as I gripped the necklace he had made me in class tighter. I know he will.
Still sitting on the swing motionless, I gazed at the ground, cursing the sun. It really shouldn't set so early, Sehun would get lost in the dark all by himself.
Just as I finished that thought, I heard a faint "hyung,” and smiled. I knew he would come, Sehun never broke his promises.
As I looked up, the smile dropped from my face, and I glared.
Just as Sehun made his way through the gate, I was able to see that he was hand-in-hand with someone. This person looked to be closer to my age, so why was he holding Sehun's hand? I was going to have to have a talk with Sehun about strangers.
"Hyung, I hope I didn't keep you waiting long," he said with a smile, and just seeing the way his eyes curved up I could already feel all the bitterness melting from my body.
"I only just got here anyway so I don't mind," I lied as I watched him race across the field, dragging the new guy behind him.
"What?! Are you serious, Hyung? That means I would've been waiting here all by myself!" He yelled at me and stomped his foot. I rolled my eyes but when I looked back I saw the guy -- still holding his hand -- he had brought with him laugh a little at his reaction, and I frowned.
"Not like it would've mattered, I still got here before you," I pointed out, trying not to make eye contact with the newcomer.
"Oh, well that's because I got lost and Su Su helped me find my way here," he said with a wide smile and patted the guy's stomach.
"I told you not to call me that," he said, blushing while trying to brush off Sehun's hand. "My name is Suho."
"Shush, Su Su," Sehun told him as he rubbed his arm. "No need to get so upset. This is Jongin," he said while sweeping his hand out towards me.
"Hello, I'm Suho. It's nice to meet you; I hope we can be friends."
The boy, Suho, smiled, and I couldn't help but notice how kind his face looked. With the way his smile stretched across his face that brought out his plump round cheeks, and how it caused his eyes to crinkle at the corners.
In short, he looked completely harmless. I couldn't, for the life of me, find a reason to hate him… And the longer I sat there looking at his kind face, the less I wanted too.
Sighing, I gave up and stretched out my hand towards him.
"Jongin. I hope we can become friends too."
Shaking hands, I shot him a slight grin and he smiled back, then Sehun yelled. Shocked, we both turned to look at him just to see him start jumping around while letting out high pitched shrieks.
I finally couldn't take anymore of it. Grabbing his arm, I pulled him to a stop and pushed his head down. "What is your problem?" I asked still holding his head down, but he just kept that silly grin face on his face.
"I'm just really excited, we can all be the best of friends forever and ever. We're gonna have the coolest times in the whole world!" he shouted while pushing my hands off of him, and pulled us both into a tight hug.
Suho and I looked at each other over Sehun's head and grinned.
Because if Sehun was happy then it was okay. I could handle anything as long as he kept smiling.
-Kai, nine years old-
The sun began its slow descent in the pale blue, bathing the sky and empty streets in pinks and violets as we walked in the direction of our little neighborhood. It was oddly warmer than it normally was this time of year but that was okay, I just took off my button up shirt and had it slung over my left shoulder, leaving me in my wife beater. As usual, we filled our walk with idle chat.
“I want to spend the night at your house.” Sehun stated once Suho had finished talking about the dinner his mom had made him the night before. The way he said it made it clear that he wasn’t asking permission, he was going to go and that was final.
“Ahhh, I don’t really think…” Suho started to say, but caught sight of me shaking my head and mouthing just go with it at him from behind Sehun’s head, and he quickly covered himself. “That… that we will have the same thing as last night again.” He finished with an awkward chuckle.
Sehun grinned, and he nodded as he walked forward saying that was fine, while Suho fell back in step with me. Once Sehun was out of ear shot, Suho leaned in so that he could whisper in my ear.
“I really don’t know if he can; I have to talk to my parents first.”
I nodded and leaned towards him and whispered back, “Don’t worry, I will distract him while you run home and ask.” Pulling back, I saw him nod and throw me a thankful smile.
“Hey! What are the two of you whispering about back there!?” Sehun yelled back at us as he turned around, throwing his hands on his hips and glaring.
The way the sun was setting and how he was standing with his back facing it created a dark solute with a very sassy appearance. All I could think at that moment while trying not to laugh was…
What have we created?
I glanced over at Suho and saw that he had the same problem; we were both trying so hard not to laugh at him because we both knew that only made him angrier. And no one in the right mind wanted to deal with a Sehun throwing a temper tantrum; it wasn’t a pretty sight.
“Oh nothing,” I said, waving him off, which caused him to raise an eyebrow at me then turn his gaze to Suho who just shrugged.
“Fine, you two can be all buddy-buddy. I’ll just go travel downtown by myself. You know, that bad place with all the shady adults, that you two are always telling me to stay away from,” he said as he turned with a little wave and started heading off to the bus station.
“No, no, no.” Suho said as he ran up to him and dragged him back. He put his hand on either side of Sehun’s face to keep him from looking in the direction of the station so that he had to face me; he probably thought that would stop our little monster from doing what he wanted. “We were just talking about…” he started and then nodded towards me, telling me to think of something as he kept Sehun gazing forward.
“Ummm, well…” I paused and then a thought came to me. “Well dang, you caught me. I was going to keep it a secret until later, but how would you like it if I took you to go get some ice cream?” As soon as that word was out of my mouth Sehun was grinning. Twisting out of Suho’s hold, he reached back and grabbed onto his sleeve and started dragging him in the general direction of the ice cream shop we normally went to.
“Come on Su, we can share a chocolate sundae and…” I didn’t pay attention to the rest of it as I glanced down at the ground. The sinking feeling in my gut felt like a ton of bricks pulling me down. It wasn’t too long ago that it was me that Sehun would’ve been dragging down the street. As much as I wanted to pull him back and keep him by me, I didn’t.
Sehun wasn't mine and Suho was our friend; he has every right to take care of him too.
Even if I don’t like it.
As I raised my eyes back up to them ahead of me I saw Suho throw me a pleading look. Sighing, I squared my shoulders and sped up my pace until I came up right behind them. I grabbed ahold of Sehun’s shaggy hair and stopped in my tracks, causing him to backpedal in order to escape the pain.
“Hey, what are you doing!?” he cried, which only caused me to pull harder. Then, with tears in his eyes, he begged, “Stop, please, just stop.”
“Stop dragging Suho around, he has to go do something before you can come over,” I told him and watched his already narrow eyes get smaller, as they leveled me with his glare.
“You mean ‘before we can come over.’” Shocked by him just assuming this, I glanced over at Suho and he shrugged.
“If he can come I see no reason why you can’t.” Before I could answer Sehun already did.
“Good, it’s settled. We will be at your house later,” he told Suho while waving and pulling me down the sidewalk along with him.
With a serious face Sehun said, as he pointed to the glass case, “Chocolate syrup, on chocolate ice cream with chocolate sprinkles.”
Rolling my eyes, I nodded to the older woman behind the counter. “Yeah, yeah. Get him that, I’ll just get plain vanilla.” I don’t think my allowance could handle much more than that, plus Sehun’s chocolate craving. Sighing, I headed over to checkout. After, I handed over what little money I had earned and walked Sehun over to a booth that over looked the whole diner.
Sitting down on the bench, Sehun took the one opposite of me. Watching him jump on the booth bench and trying to sit tall made me smile. This kid was always trying to grow up so fast. But now that I thought about it, it might just be because of the fact that he spent all his time with Suho and I. Suho being a good three years older than him and me being two. He might have felt like he needed to grow up just to be with us.
What a stupid kid.
“Jongin, why did you only get vanilla?” Sehun asked, staring up at me with those dreamy eyes of his.
Looking back into his eyes, I saw the pure curiosity that fueled his question. I debated not telling him, but then I thought, why not tell him? The world doesn’t sugar coat things, and neither would I.
“Because I wouldn’t have had enough money for yours and mine if I had gotten something complicated,” I told him shrugging. That's how things were, and I didn't try to baby him like Suho did.
“Oh,” he said while keeping his eyes on the table. We sat like that for a few moments, eating in silence, before Sehun stuck his hand out towards me.
“What?” I asked, looking at his out-stretched hand then back up at his face.
“Give me your bowl, you dummy.” If I wasn’t confused I probably would’ve laughed. I was being called dumb by a seven-year-old. Without a second thought, I handed my ice cream over to him and watched as he scooped some of his chocolate into my own bowl.
“Sehun, no, stop. I bought that for you,” I told him as I tried to stop his hands, but he just refused and smacked me away.
“Shut up, I’m sharing,” he grunted. After a minute of staring at the bowls, he finally looked satisfied with the balance of flavors. He pushed it back over to me. “Gosh, you and Suho are so hard to please. One moment you two are complaining that I never think of other people, but when I try to you both freak out on me.” Frowning, he crossed his arms over his chest and leveled me with a glare.
There it is again. It's always Suho. Can’t I just have a few minute alone with Sehun without him popping into the conversation?
As that stream of thought snaked its way around my mind, I turned my head to overlook the street just outside the diner. The thoughts poisoned everything it touched, and I wanted nothing more than to shake Sehun and ask him what was so great about Suho, but I didn’t.
Slowly taking a bite of my now mixed ice cream, I asked Sehun, “So you really like Suho, huh?”
A part of me wondered if I’m just masochistic by nature.
“Suho?” he said with a mouthful of ice cream, “Yeah, he’s so cool, and he takes care of me.”
I looked back at him to see him smiling from ear to ear, and I couldn't stop the hurt that stabbed into my heart. “I take care of you too…” I said, letting my sentence trail off.
“Yeah but you are more like a big brother. Suho on the other hand, is…” He paused and used his little seven-year-old fingers to tap his chin as he looked thoughtfully into the distance. Just when I thought he wasn’t going to answer, he finally said, “I guess the closest thing to compare him to would be a mom, but I wouldn’t know how they were,” he finished sadly.
That’s right, Sehun had never met his mom. She died in child birth, trying to bring her only son into the world. All he had was his dad, and his dad was working every hour he could in order to give Sehun a comfortable childhood.
The only thing that he didn’t realize was that he was leaving Sehun all by himself; a little seven-year-old by himself in a cold, dark empty house.
Sometimes we try to do the right thing, but we still end up hurting someone along the way.
Before I could think any deeper about that thought, Sehun cut in. “But I think that Suho makes a good mom. I mean from what I see of the ones that pick up the other kids in my class, Suho acts just like them. Always patting me on the head when I do something cute…” Then he turned to me with a grin. “Hmmm, I think that’s why I do them so much now.”
Hearing that, my heart softened; Sehun deserved to have a mom, and if Suho was that for him then so be it. Besides, it’s Suho. He's a nice guy, and he just wanted to take care of Sehun because he’s the oldest. Plus, one did not simply hate Suho; he’s too nice of a guy.
“But I like you too Jongin,” Sehun said, patting my hand from across the table. “Where Suho takes care of me, you make me stronger. One day I’m going to be able to protect the both of you just like you’re always taking care of me.”
Hearing him say that with such a sincere look in his dreamy eyes made me blush a little. Trying to cover it up, I rubbed my cheek and looked towards the clock on the wall. The little hands were telling me that we had been sitting here for almost forty minutes, and now it was time to go.
“Look kid, we gotta go. Suho is going to go crazy on me for keeping you away from him too long,” I told him with a wink and he let out a little giggle.
“Yeah, we have to get back to mama,” he said as the grabbed my hand and led the way out the door.
-Suho, ten years old-
Pacing around the coffee table in living room, I stopped right in front of the window for what felt like the tenth time in the last five minutes.
Where are they? Shouldn’t they have gotten here by now? No, stop Suho, Kai is responsible and he’s perfectly capable of taking care of Sehun.
Still, that didn’t stop my pacing. I know I was being ridiculous, but I just couldn’t help it. Just as I sat down on my couch, the doorbell rang. Jumping up I rushed to the door and took a deep breath before opening the it.
Don’t want to seem like a crazy person.
As soon as I had the door open, Sehun ran in and hugged me.
“Mama, I’m home! No need to worry anymore,” he yelled as he rubbed his face into my stomach.
“What…?” I started to ask until I looked up into Kai’s dark eyes. He just smiled and rolled his eyes. Letting out a sigh, I pulled Sehun off me and held him at arm’s length. Looking deeply into his eyes, I asked, “Why are you so weird?”
He glared at me with a pout stamped on his face and said, “I’m not weird. It’s called individuality, get it right.”
I stared at him for a moment more until I sighed and turned away. “Uh huh, sure.” As I made my way through my house I waved and pointed out which room was which. Bathroom, kitchen, living room and etcetera.
“Where is your mom?” Sehun piped up from behind me.
This kid always seemed to have such a fascination in my parents, it was pretty cute to be honest and my parents adored him. Sometimes I felt like he came over just for them.
I’m being used so that he can get closer to my parents; what a sad thought.
“She left to go pick something up to cook for you two. She’ll be back later,” I told him as we arrived at the stairs. “Well my room is up-”
“Upstairs, I know,” Sehun interjected.
“I know you know,” I told him with a sigh. “I was telling Kai, who must I remind you, has never been here.” Narrowing my eyes at him, I continued, “Now stop interrupting.”
Raising his hands in defense he smiled and gestures for me to go on.
“As I was saying,” I started as I turned to Kai. “My room is upstairs and that’s where we’ll be sleeping. I have a little pull-out mattress, and I’ll just sleep in a sleeping bag so there’s enough room.”
Kai just nodded and glanced up the steps. “Sounds like a plan, but I could just take the floor.”
Shaking my head, I patted him on the shoulder, “No, no. I will. I sleep on that bed every night so one of you can have it.” Even as I said that, I knew Sehun would be the one to get it.
We really have to learn how to say no to that kid.
“So,” I stared and looked around. “What did you guys want to do?” I said and looked at Kai who just shrugged.
“Don’t look at me, this was his idea,” he said hooking his thumb at Sehun.
“Well, what did you what to do?” I asked looking down at Sehun to see him staring up at me with big eyes.
“I’m fine with just watch you play on your computer like we do all the time,” he said with a huge smile spread across his face while he blinked up at me. A blush heated up my face as I stole a glance at Kai. I didn’t want him to think I sat in front of a computer all the time.
“No,” I said without hesitation. “You need to go outside and play like a normal kid your age. It’s unhealthy to be coped up inside all the time.”
Sehun grunted and mumbled, “You never had a problem with that before,” before stomping off out my back door to where my parents had a little blacktop court in hopes that it would encourage me to play outdoors. Kai laughed when Sehun slammed the door on his way out before turning to me with a smile still left on his face.
“So what do you have to play?”
“I hate this game.” Sehun informed us while sitting down on his basketball for the tenth time since we started.
“We know,” Kai groaned. “In fact, the only way we wouldn’t know is if we were both deaf and blind.” Sehun’s only response was a glare which Kai ignored.
“Just try and have fun Sehun, it’s pretty fun once you get the hang of it,” I told him as I took my shot for the basket. I was happy to see it made it in but it wasn’t a big surprise, I was winning this game with Kai in second and poor little Sehun in last.
“Who names a basketball game Horse anyway?” he grumbled as Kai stood up and came to take my place.
I found this very fun because Kai did put up a bit of a challenge. I already had two letters while Kai was right behind me with his three, but Sehun was on his last letter. If Kai made this shot than Sehun would have to also in order to stay in the game. I guessed I could kind of see why he was grumpy, Sehun hated losing and here he was, losing.
Kai took his position and with a flick of his wrist the ball made a quiet whoosh into the basket. We both turned to look at Sehun just to see him frown. After a few moments, he stood up and threw his ball at the ground as hard as he could and stomped off.
“I’m done with this game!” he yelled as he made his way back inside.
“Sehun, get back here so we can finish the game!” I yelled in the direction of the house right after he shut the door.
He’s probably on his way to talk my mom into giving him a cookie.
I was about to turn back to Kai and ask him if he just wanted to finish without him, but then Sehun pulled the door back open.
Sticking his tongue out at me he said, “I’m going to watch a movie, with or without you two.” And the he closed the door again.
I sighed and shook my head; he was such a baby at times. Looking over at Kai I saw him smile and nod his head.
And there we go, giving into him again.
Giving up, we started to walk back towards my house. Once we made our way into my kitchen, we saw bags of food thrown on the floor along with different sized bowls. I just stood there looking at the mess in complete shock until Kai started laughing.
“Shut up, it’s not funny!” I growled and pushed him out of my way as I stormed into the living room. As soon as I walked into the room I saw him sitting on the couch with a bowl of chips settled in between his legs. Looking up from the movie cases he had spread out around him he met my furious eyes with a smile.
“I’m so glad you could make it. Now, Lion King or Beauty and the Beast?” he asked still smiling as he lifted up both movies, but I only glared.
“What is that?” I demanded, pointing towards the kitchen but his attention was focused back on the movies.
“I just told you, Lion King or Beauty and the Beast,” He repeated glancing back up at me.
“No. That.” I said again, still pointing towards the kitchen.
“Ummm.” Looking towards the door of the kitchen his brows drew together in confusion. “The kitchen?”
Exhaling deeply, I raised my hand to cover my face. “The mess, Sehun. The mess.”
“Oh,” he said as he seemed to ponder what to say. “Well, I wanted chips.”
I just stared at him for a few moments before sighing, and then I told him, “It needs to be cleaned.”
“Oh, I can help you if you want,” he told me as he hopped off the couch and wiped the chip crumbs onto the floor, and I groaned.
My mom is going to kill me.
“No, Sehun, you go clean it by yourself,” I told him while I put my hands on my hips, hoping to pull off an authoritative appearance, but he just mirrored me.
“No, I don’t want to,” he said as he used his right hand to push his chestnut hair out of his eyes to give me a more effective glare.
We both stood like that for a few moments just glaring at each other before Kai coughed to grab our attention. We both turned our glares on him, but he just smiled.
“How about we all clean it together? It would get done faster,” he suggested with a shrug.
Without looking at either of them, I let out a sharp “fine,” and pushed my way through the door.
-Kai-
It’s rare for Suho to get mad, especially at Sehun, but here it was. An awkward silence fell over the kitchen as we picked up the food that had been scattered across the floor. More often than not, I caught Sehun shoot Suho a worried look, like he was afraid that Suho was seriously upset this time.
Trust me kid, he is.
Suho refused to even look in Sehun’s general direction, let alone be anywhere near him. When we first walked in Suho instantly went to the far side of the room, but when Sehun had sat down beside him, he had just gotten up, without a word, and moved to the complete opposite side of the kitchen.
That’s when I noticed Sehun’s lip starting to tremble; as much as it hurt me to see it I still couldn’t comfort him. He’s the one who upset Suho, and he had to understand what he did wrong. I glanced over and saw Suho shoving boxes and bags of food back into his pantry with so much force that he probably crushed half of them. I let out a deep breath as I listened to Suho grumbling about how things weren’t fitting right, and just as he pulled a box out of the shelf to readjust it everything on it came tumbling down.
I sat there and watched Suho take deep breaths as he tried to calm himself down. If he hadn’t been as angry as he was I would’ve laughed at how comical this whole scene looked. Just then I noticed that Sehun had gotten up, and before I could stop him he made his way over to Suho.
“Suho, are you okay?” Sehun asked while patting his shoulders, trying to make sure he was all in one piece.
“Sehun,” he said as a warning with his eyes closed. “Just leave me alone, I don’t want to deal with you right now,” he told him still not looking at him. Since he didn’t open his eyes he couldn’t see the heart-broken look that settled on Sehun’s face.
“But why?” Sehun asked in a small voice.
Upon hearing him, Suho’s eyes flew open. “Why? WHY?” he shouted, causing Sehun flinch. “Because you completely disregard what others are feeling! You didn’t think for one moment how much trouble I would’ve gotten in if my mom had come home to see this!” he yelled as he waved at the mess before them. “Have you ever thought of anyone else before yourself? I mean, dang, sometimes I wonder why I even bother with you,” he said, finishing in a huff.
“Suho!” I snapped, but it was too late.
“What?” he demanded as he turned to face me and that’s when he got a face full of a teary-eyed Sehun. Before Suho could say anything tears sprang forth from Sehun’s eyes as he tried to hide them with his little hands.
Sehun always tried so hard to be strong, so crying wasn’t something he could do in front of anyone, not even us. But here he was, on the kitchen floor right in front of Suho, crying his eyes out.
Suho looked at a loss for what to do, but slowly he pulled him into his lap while wrapping his arms around the crying child and rocked him back and forth until his sobs quieted. As I watched the two I was left with this horrible feeling that I was an outsider, and as much as I wanted to leave I couldn’t.
“Shhhh, Sehun.” Suho hushed him as he ran his thin hand through Sehun soft hair. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean what I said, I swear. I was just angry, I’m better now. I’m so sorry.”
After the sobs stopped, Sehun rubbed his face in Suho’s chest and raised his face so that he could look Suho in the eyes. “No Suho, you were right. I’m just a bratty kid that doesn’t treat anyone nice…” putting his small hand on Suho’s cheek, he continued, “Not even you, and you’re the nicest to me.” After he said that he bowed his head in shame.
“No Sehun, its fine; I’m fine.” Suho tried to interject, but Sehun cut him off.
“I’m so sorry.” And when Suho started to protest again Sehun put his small hand over his mouth. “I promise you that I will take better care of you, now and forever. Okay?” And when Suho smiled, so did Sehun.
If that little sappy speech wasn’t bad enough, the next thing sure threw me for a loop.
Still sitting in Suho’s lap, Sehun put his hands on either side of Suho’s face and leaned in and pressed his pink, thin lips to his forehead. And, to put the topping on the cake, Suho blushed. He freaking blushed.
I needed to stop this; it’s just sickening. Before I knew it, I had stood up and they both looked at me with confusion written all over their faces.
“We’re done in here, let’s go watch that movie.”
We ended up watching both of the movies, and Suho’s mom had come home at the beginning of the first with take-out for dinner. We paused the Lion King and decided to go eat before we continued the movie.
After dinner, we sat on the couch with Suho on the far left, me on the right, and Sehun right in the middle. Before we even unpaused the movie, Sehun kept going on and on about how he was going to stay up for the both of them. We weren’t even half way into the first one and he was already sprawled out across us both. His head was in Suho’s lap and his tiny feet were in mine.
As quietly as we could, Suho and I agreed to finish watching the movie then we would head up. But I was so tired that I decided to go up early. When I told him he just nodded as he kept his eyes trained to the scene and his hand continuously running through Sehun’s hair.
“Do you want me to take him up with me.” I asked him as I rubbed the sleep from my eyes.
“Nah, its fine. I’ll just take him when I go up after this.” Nodding, I headed up the steps.
I couldn’t get to that little pull-out mattress fast enough; I all but collapsed on it as soon as I was in reach. Today had been a long day and I just wanted to sleep. Too bad my mind had other plans. As I tried to get comfortable my mind seemed like it tried to think everything at once. Sometimes I wished I had a switch that I could just turn it off, so it would shut the hell up and I could get some sleep.
Just as I started to drift into semi-unconsciousness, the bedroom door at my back, opened and I heard Suho trying to carry Sehun in silently. I heard him put Sehun on the bed and tuck him in, but, just as it sounded like he was going to leave, I heard Sehun’s sleepy voice.
“Suho?” he asked and I could just imagine Sehun’s hands stretching out for his.
“I’m here.” Suho answered in a hushed voice, probably worried about waking me up.
“Stay with me.” Sehun whispered and my heart clenched.
It was quiet for a few seconds before I heard Suho’s soft “okay” and the rustling of blankets along with Sehun’s small sigh of satisfaction.
It’s never me, is it?
Part 1
Author: cake_tree
Rating: PG
Pairing: SeKaiHo (Sehun/Kai/Suho)
Genre: au, angst
Word Count: 5,683
Summary: How can I stand by and watch him slip away?
--Kai, eight years old--
How long was he going to keep me waiting? I asked myself as I stared across the empty playground. Sehun said he'd be here right after he got out of school, and now it had been an hour.
Sehun never kept me waiting...
So what was keeping him?
I scanned the empty playground one more time, and then turned my gaze back to the ground. Kicking the tiny pebbles that littered the swing set's ground, I sighed.
What is keeping you? If I was honest with myself I would've admitted that I was worried he forgot about me. But he wouldn't do that...
Would he?
Sitting down on an abandon swing, I let my feet drag through the dirt and watched the rivets they made as the sun started to descend in the sky. I was always too big for my age; my limbs were just too long and lanky; that made me clumsy and awkward.
But Sehun never minded. In fact, he said he liked how different I was.
There were times I was glad for it too, like when I could help Sehun out. By no means was he short, but he did happen to only be six, two years younger than myself, so I was glad my height could be in some way useful.
A few more minutes rock by and I'm left watching the clouds pass by. I could wait forever, it's not like I had much of a home to go home to anyway. Sehun was all I had, so I could wait.
Soon the dusk started to creep its way over the world, but that didn't mean anything. In this time of the year it always got dark early.
He'll still come, I told myself as I gripped the necklace he had made me in class tighter. I know he will.
Still sitting on the swing motionless, I gazed at the ground, cursing the sun. It really shouldn't set so early, Sehun would get lost in the dark all by himself.
Just as I finished that thought, I heard a faint "hyung,” and smiled. I knew he would come, Sehun never broke his promises.
As I looked up, the smile dropped from my face, and I glared.
Just as Sehun made his way through the gate, I was able to see that he was hand-in-hand with someone. This person looked to be closer to my age, so why was he holding Sehun's hand? I was going to have to have a talk with Sehun about strangers.
"Hyung, I hope I didn't keep you waiting long," he said with a smile, and just seeing the way his eyes curved up I could already feel all the bitterness melting from my body.
"I only just got here anyway so I don't mind," I lied as I watched him race across the field, dragging the new guy behind him.
"What?! Are you serious, Hyung? That means I would've been waiting here all by myself!" He yelled at me and stomped his foot. I rolled my eyes but when I looked back I saw the guy -- still holding his hand -- he had brought with him laugh a little at his reaction, and I frowned.
"Not like it would've mattered, I still got here before you," I pointed out, trying not to make eye contact with the newcomer.
"Oh, well that's because I got lost and Su Su helped me find my way here," he said with a wide smile and patted the guy's stomach.
"I told you not to call me that," he said, blushing while trying to brush off Sehun's hand. "My name is Suho."
"Shush, Su Su," Sehun told him as he rubbed his arm. "No need to get so upset. This is Jongin," he said while sweeping his hand out towards me.
"Hello, I'm Suho. It's nice to meet you; I hope we can be friends."
The boy, Suho, smiled, and I couldn't help but notice how kind his face looked. With the way his smile stretched across his face that brought out his plump round cheeks, and how it caused his eyes to crinkle at the corners.
In short, he looked completely harmless. I couldn't, for the life of me, find a reason to hate him… And the longer I sat there looking at his kind face, the less I wanted too.
Sighing, I gave up and stretched out my hand towards him.
"Jongin. I hope we can become friends too."
Shaking hands, I shot him a slight grin and he smiled back, then Sehun yelled. Shocked, we both turned to look at him just to see him start jumping around while letting out high pitched shrieks.
I finally couldn't take anymore of it. Grabbing his arm, I pulled him to a stop and pushed his head down. "What is your problem?" I asked still holding his head down, but he just kept that silly grin face on his face.
"I'm just really excited, we can all be the best of friends forever and ever. We're gonna have the coolest times in the whole world!" he shouted while pushing my hands off of him, and pulled us both into a tight hug.
Suho and I looked at each other over Sehun's head and grinned.
Because if Sehun was happy then it was okay. I could handle anything as long as he kept smiling.
-Kai, nine years old-
The sun began its slow descent in the pale blue, bathing the sky and empty streets in pinks and violets as we walked in the direction of our little neighborhood. It was oddly warmer than it normally was this time of year but that was okay, I just took off my button up shirt and had it slung over my left shoulder, leaving me in my wife beater. As usual, we filled our walk with idle chat.
“I want to spend the night at your house.” Sehun stated once Suho had finished talking about the dinner his mom had made him the night before. The way he said it made it clear that he wasn’t asking permission, he was going to go and that was final.
“Ahhh, I don’t really think…” Suho started to say, but caught sight of me shaking my head and mouthing just go with it at him from behind Sehun’s head, and he quickly covered himself. “That… that we will have the same thing as last night again.” He finished with an awkward chuckle.
Sehun grinned, and he nodded as he walked forward saying that was fine, while Suho fell back in step with me. Once Sehun was out of ear shot, Suho leaned in so that he could whisper in my ear.
“I really don’t know if he can; I have to talk to my parents first.”
I nodded and leaned towards him and whispered back, “Don’t worry, I will distract him while you run home and ask.” Pulling back, I saw him nod and throw me a thankful smile.
“Hey! What are the two of you whispering about back there!?” Sehun yelled back at us as he turned around, throwing his hands on his hips and glaring.
The way the sun was setting and how he was standing with his back facing it created a dark solute with a very sassy appearance. All I could think at that moment while trying not to laugh was…
What have we created?
I glanced over at Suho and saw that he had the same problem; we were both trying so hard not to laugh at him because we both knew that only made him angrier. And no one in the right mind wanted to deal with a Sehun throwing a temper tantrum; it wasn’t a pretty sight.
“Oh nothing,” I said, waving him off, which caused him to raise an eyebrow at me then turn his gaze to Suho who just shrugged.
“Fine, you two can be all buddy-buddy. I’ll just go travel downtown by myself. You know, that bad place with all the shady adults, that you two are always telling me to stay away from,” he said as he turned with a little wave and started heading off to the bus station.
“No, no, no.” Suho said as he ran up to him and dragged him back. He put his hand on either side of Sehun’s face to keep him from looking in the direction of the station so that he had to face me; he probably thought that would stop our little monster from doing what he wanted. “We were just talking about…” he started and then nodded towards me, telling me to think of something as he kept Sehun gazing forward.
“Ummm, well…” I paused and then a thought came to me. “Well dang, you caught me. I was going to keep it a secret until later, but how would you like it if I took you to go get some ice cream?” As soon as that word was out of my mouth Sehun was grinning. Twisting out of Suho’s hold, he reached back and grabbed onto his sleeve and started dragging him in the general direction of the ice cream shop we normally went to.
“Come on Su, we can share a chocolate sundae and…” I didn’t pay attention to the rest of it as I glanced down at the ground. The sinking feeling in my gut felt like a ton of bricks pulling me down. It wasn’t too long ago that it was me that Sehun would’ve been dragging down the street. As much as I wanted to pull him back and keep him by me, I didn’t.
Sehun wasn't mine and Suho was our friend; he has every right to take care of him too.
Even if I don’t like it.
As I raised my eyes back up to them ahead of me I saw Suho throw me a pleading look. Sighing, I squared my shoulders and sped up my pace until I came up right behind them. I grabbed ahold of Sehun’s shaggy hair and stopped in my tracks, causing him to backpedal in order to escape the pain.
“Hey, what are you doing!?” he cried, which only caused me to pull harder. Then, with tears in his eyes, he begged, “Stop, please, just stop.”
“Stop dragging Suho around, he has to go do something before you can come over,” I told him and watched his already narrow eyes get smaller, as they leveled me with his glare.
“You mean ‘before we can come over.’” Shocked by him just assuming this, I glanced over at Suho and he shrugged.
“If he can come I see no reason why you can’t.” Before I could answer Sehun already did.
“Good, it’s settled. We will be at your house later,” he told Suho while waving and pulling me down the sidewalk along with him.
With a serious face Sehun said, as he pointed to the glass case, “Chocolate syrup, on chocolate ice cream with chocolate sprinkles.”
Rolling my eyes, I nodded to the older woman behind the counter. “Yeah, yeah. Get him that, I’ll just get plain vanilla.” I don’t think my allowance could handle much more than that, plus Sehun’s chocolate craving. Sighing, I headed over to checkout. After, I handed over what little money I had earned and walked Sehun over to a booth that over looked the whole diner.
Sitting down on the bench, Sehun took the one opposite of me. Watching him jump on the booth bench and trying to sit tall made me smile. This kid was always trying to grow up so fast. But now that I thought about it, it might just be because of the fact that he spent all his time with Suho and I. Suho being a good three years older than him and me being two. He might have felt like he needed to grow up just to be with us.
What a stupid kid.
“Jongin, why did you only get vanilla?” Sehun asked, staring up at me with those dreamy eyes of his.
Looking back into his eyes, I saw the pure curiosity that fueled his question. I debated not telling him, but then I thought, why not tell him? The world doesn’t sugar coat things, and neither would I.
“Because I wouldn’t have had enough money for yours and mine if I had gotten something complicated,” I told him shrugging. That's how things were, and I didn't try to baby him like Suho did.
“Oh,” he said while keeping his eyes on the table. We sat like that for a few moments, eating in silence, before Sehun stuck his hand out towards me.
“What?” I asked, looking at his out-stretched hand then back up at his face.
“Give me your bowl, you dummy.” If I wasn’t confused I probably would’ve laughed. I was being called dumb by a seven-year-old. Without a second thought, I handed my ice cream over to him and watched as he scooped some of his chocolate into my own bowl.
“Sehun, no, stop. I bought that for you,” I told him as I tried to stop his hands, but he just refused and smacked me away.
“Shut up, I’m sharing,” he grunted. After a minute of staring at the bowls, he finally looked satisfied with the balance of flavors. He pushed it back over to me. “Gosh, you and Suho are so hard to please. One moment you two are complaining that I never think of other people, but when I try to you both freak out on me.” Frowning, he crossed his arms over his chest and leveled me with a glare.
There it is again. It's always Suho. Can’t I just have a few minute alone with Sehun without him popping into the conversation?
As that stream of thought snaked its way around my mind, I turned my head to overlook the street just outside the diner. The thoughts poisoned everything it touched, and I wanted nothing more than to shake Sehun and ask him what was so great about Suho, but I didn’t.
Slowly taking a bite of my now mixed ice cream, I asked Sehun, “So you really like Suho, huh?”
A part of me wondered if I’m just masochistic by nature.
“Suho?” he said with a mouthful of ice cream, “Yeah, he’s so cool, and he takes care of me.”
I looked back at him to see him smiling from ear to ear, and I couldn't stop the hurt that stabbed into my heart. “I take care of you too…” I said, letting my sentence trail off.
“Yeah but you are more like a big brother. Suho on the other hand, is…” He paused and used his little seven-year-old fingers to tap his chin as he looked thoughtfully into the distance. Just when I thought he wasn’t going to answer, he finally said, “I guess the closest thing to compare him to would be a mom, but I wouldn’t know how they were,” he finished sadly.
That’s right, Sehun had never met his mom. She died in child birth, trying to bring her only son into the world. All he had was his dad, and his dad was working every hour he could in order to give Sehun a comfortable childhood.
The only thing that he didn’t realize was that he was leaving Sehun all by himself; a little seven-year-old by himself in a cold, dark empty house.
Sometimes we try to do the right thing, but we still end up hurting someone along the way.
Before I could think any deeper about that thought, Sehun cut in. “But I think that Suho makes a good mom. I mean from what I see of the ones that pick up the other kids in my class, Suho acts just like them. Always patting me on the head when I do something cute…” Then he turned to me with a grin. “Hmmm, I think that’s why I do them so much now.”
Hearing that, my heart softened; Sehun deserved to have a mom, and if Suho was that for him then so be it. Besides, it’s Suho. He's a nice guy, and he just wanted to take care of Sehun because he’s the oldest. Plus, one did not simply hate Suho; he’s too nice of a guy.
“But I like you too Jongin,” Sehun said, patting my hand from across the table. “Where Suho takes care of me, you make me stronger. One day I’m going to be able to protect the both of you just like you’re always taking care of me.”
Hearing him say that with such a sincere look in his dreamy eyes made me blush a little. Trying to cover it up, I rubbed my cheek and looked towards the clock on the wall. The little hands were telling me that we had been sitting here for almost forty minutes, and now it was time to go.
“Look kid, we gotta go. Suho is going to go crazy on me for keeping you away from him too long,” I told him with a wink and he let out a little giggle.
“Yeah, we have to get back to mama,” he said as the grabbed my hand and led the way out the door.
-Suho, ten years old-
Pacing around the coffee table in living room, I stopped right in front of the window for what felt like the tenth time in the last five minutes.
Where are they? Shouldn’t they have gotten here by now? No, stop Suho, Kai is responsible and he’s perfectly capable of taking care of Sehun.
Still, that didn’t stop my pacing. I know I was being ridiculous, but I just couldn’t help it. Just as I sat down on my couch, the doorbell rang. Jumping up I rushed to the door and took a deep breath before opening the it.
Don’t want to seem like a crazy person.
As soon as I had the door open, Sehun ran in and hugged me.
“Mama, I’m home! No need to worry anymore,” he yelled as he rubbed his face into my stomach.
“What…?” I started to ask until I looked up into Kai’s dark eyes. He just smiled and rolled his eyes. Letting out a sigh, I pulled Sehun off me and held him at arm’s length. Looking deeply into his eyes, I asked, “Why are you so weird?”
He glared at me with a pout stamped on his face and said, “I’m not weird. It’s called individuality, get it right.”
I stared at him for a moment more until I sighed and turned away. “Uh huh, sure.” As I made my way through my house I waved and pointed out which room was which. Bathroom, kitchen, living room and etcetera.
“Where is your mom?” Sehun piped up from behind me.
This kid always seemed to have such a fascination in my parents, it was pretty cute to be honest and my parents adored him. Sometimes I felt like he came over just for them.
I’m being used so that he can get closer to my parents; what a sad thought.
“She left to go pick something up to cook for you two. She’ll be back later,” I told him as we arrived at the stairs. “Well my room is up-”
“Upstairs, I know,” Sehun interjected.
“I know you know,” I told him with a sigh. “I was telling Kai, who must I remind you, has never been here.” Narrowing my eyes at him, I continued, “Now stop interrupting.”
Raising his hands in defense he smiled and gestures for me to go on.
“As I was saying,” I started as I turned to Kai. “My room is upstairs and that’s where we’ll be sleeping. I have a little pull-out mattress, and I’ll just sleep in a sleeping bag so there’s enough room.”
Kai just nodded and glanced up the steps. “Sounds like a plan, but I could just take the floor.”
Shaking my head, I patted him on the shoulder, “No, no. I will. I sleep on that bed every night so one of you can have it.” Even as I said that, I knew Sehun would be the one to get it.
We really have to learn how to say no to that kid.
“So,” I stared and looked around. “What did you guys want to do?” I said and looked at Kai who just shrugged.
“Don’t look at me, this was his idea,” he said hooking his thumb at Sehun.
“Well, what did you what to do?” I asked looking down at Sehun to see him staring up at me with big eyes.
“I’m fine with just watch you play on your computer like we do all the time,” he said with a huge smile spread across his face while he blinked up at me. A blush heated up my face as I stole a glance at Kai. I didn’t want him to think I sat in front of a computer all the time.
“No,” I said without hesitation. “You need to go outside and play like a normal kid your age. It’s unhealthy to be coped up inside all the time.”
Sehun grunted and mumbled, “You never had a problem with that before,” before stomping off out my back door to where my parents had a little blacktop court in hopes that it would encourage me to play outdoors. Kai laughed when Sehun slammed the door on his way out before turning to me with a smile still left on his face.
“So what do you have to play?”
“I hate this game.” Sehun informed us while sitting down on his basketball for the tenth time since we started.
“We know,” Kai groaned. “In fact, the only way we wouldn’t know is if we were both deaf and blind.” Sehun’s only response was a glare which Kai ignored.
“Just try and have fun Sehun, it’s pretty fun once you get the hang of it,” I told him as I took my shot for the basket. I was happy to see it made it in but it wasn’t a big surprise, I was winning this game with Kai in second and poor little Sehun in last.
“Who names a basketball game Horse anyway?” he grumbled as Kai stood up and came to take my place.
I found this very fun because Kai did put up a bit of a challenge. I already had two letters while Kai was right behind me with his three, but Sehun was on his last letter. If Kai made this shot than Sehun would have to also in order to stay in the game. I guessed I could kind of see why he was grumpy, Sehun hated losing and here he was, losing.
Kai took his position and with a flick of his wrist the ball made a quiet whoosh into the basket. We both turned to look at Sehun just to see him frown. After a few moments, he stood up and threw his ball at the ground as hard as he could and stomped off.
“I’m done with this game!” he yelled as he made his way back inside.
“Sehun, get back here so we can finish the game!” I yelled in the direction of the house right after he shut the door.
He’s probably on his way to talk my mom into giving him a cookie.
I was about to turn back to Kai and ask him if he just wanted to finish without him, but then Sehun pulled the door back open.
Sticking his tongue out at me he said, “I’m going to watch a movie, with or without you two.” And the he closed the door again.
I sighed and shook my head; he was such a baby at times. Looking over at Kai I saw him smile and nod his head.
And there we go, giving into him again.
Giving up, we started to walk back towards my house. Once we made our way into my kitchen, we saw bags of food thrown on the floor along with different sized bowls. I just stood there looking at the mess in complete shock until Kai started laughing.
“Shut up, it’s not funny!” I growled and pushed him out of my way as I stormed into the living room. As soon as I walked into the room I saw him sitting on the couch with a bowl of chips settled in between his legs. Looking up from the movie cases he had spread out around him he met my furious eyes with a smile.
“I’m so glad you could make it. Now, Lion King or Beauty and the Beast?” he asked still smiling as he lifted up both movies, but I only glared.
“What is that?” I demanded, pointing towards the kitchen but his attention was focused back on the movies.
“I just told you, Lion King or Beauty and the Beast,” He repeated glancing back up at me.
“No. That.” I said again, still pointing towards the kitchen.
“Ummm.” Looking towards the door of the kitchen his brows drew together in confusion. “The kitchen?”
Exhaling deeply, I raised my hand to cover my face. “The mess, Sehun. The mess.”
“Oh,” he said as he seemed to ponder what to say. “Well, I wanted chips.”
I just stared at him for a few moments before sighing, and then I told him, “It needs to be cleaned.”
“Oh, I can help you if you want,” he told me as he hopped off the couch and wiped the chip crumbs onto the floor, and I groaned.
My mom is going to kill me.
“No, Sehun, you go clean it by yourself,” I told him while I put my hands on my hips, hoping to pull off an authoritative appearance, but he just mirrored me.
“No, I don’t want to,” he said as he used his right hand to push his chestnut hair out of his eyes to give me a more effective glare.
We both stood like that for a few moments just glaring at each other before Kai coughed to grab our attention. We both turned our glares on him, but he just smiled.
“How about we all clean it together? It would get done faster,” he suggested with a shrug.
Without looking at either of them, I let out a sharp “fine,” and pushed my way through the door.
-Kai-
It’s rare for Suho to get mad, especially at Sehun, but here it was. An awkward silence fell over the kitchen as we picked up the food that had been scattered across the floor. More often than not, I caught Sehun shoot Suho a worried look, like he was afraid that Suho was seriously upset this time.
Trust me kid, he is.
Suho refused to even look in Sehun’s general direction, let alone be anywhere near him. When we first walked in Suho instantly went to the far side of the room, but when Sehun had sat down beside him, he had just gotten up, without a word, and moved to the complete opposite side of the kitchen.
That’s when I noticed Sehun’s lip starting to tremble; as much as it hurt me to see it I still couldn’t comfort him. He’s the one who upset Suho, and he had to understand what he did wrong. I glanced over and saw Suho shoving boxes and bags of food back into his pantry with so much force that he probably crushed half of them. I let out a deep breath as I listened to Suho grumbling about how things weren’t fitting right, and just as he pulled a box out of the shelf to readjust it everything on it came tumbling down.
I sat there and watched Suho take deep breaths as he tried to calm himself down. If he hadn’t been as angry as he was I would’ve laughed at how comical this whole scene looked. Just then I noticed that Sehun had gotten up, and before I could stop him he made his way over to Suho.
“Suho, are you okay?” Sehun asked while patting his shoulders, trying to make sure he was all in one piece.
“Sehun,” he said as a warning with his eyes closed. “Just leave me alone, I don’t want to deal with you right now,” he told him still not looking at him. Since he didn’t open his eyes he couldn’t see the heart-broken look that settled on Sehun’s face.
“But why?” Sehun asked in a small voice.
Upon hearing him, Suho’s eyes flew open. “Why? WHY?” he shouted, causing Sehun flinch. “Because you completely disregard what others are feeling! You didn’t think for one moment how much trouble I would’ve gotten in if my mom had come home to see this!” he yelled as he waved at the mess before them. “Have you ever thought of anyone else before yourself? I mean, dang, sometimes I wonder why I even bother with you,” he said, finishing in a huff.
“Suho!” I snapped, but it was too late.
“What?” he demanded as he turned to face me and that’s when he got a face full of a teary-eyed Sehun. Before Suho could say anything tears sprang forth from Sehun’s eyes as he tried to hide them with his little hands.
Sehun always tried so hard to be strong, so crying wasn’t something he could do in front of anyone, not even us. But here he was, on the kitchen floor right in front of Suho, crying his eyes out.
Suho looked at a loss for what to do, but slowly he pulled him into his lap while wrapping his arms around the crying child and rocked him back and forth until his sobs quieted. As I watched the two I was left with this horrible feeling that I was an outsider, and as much as I wanted to leave I couldn’t.
“Shhhh, Sehun.” Suho hushed him as he ran his thin hand through Sehun soft hair. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean what I said, I swear. I was just angry, I’m better now. I’m so sorry.”
After the sobs stopped, Sehun rubbed his face in Suho’s chest and raised his face so that he could look Suho in the eyes. “No Suho, you were right. I’m just a bratty kid that doesn’t treat anyone nice…” putting his small hand on Suho’s cheek, he continued, “Not even you, and you’re the nicest to me.” After he said that he bowed his head in shame.
“No Sehun, its fine; I’m fine.” Suho tried to interject, but Sehun cut him off.
“I’m so sorry.” And when Suho started to protest again Sehun put his small hand over his mouth. “I promise you that I will take better care of you, now and forever. Okay?” And when Suho smiled, so did Sehun.
If that little sappy speech wasn’t bad enough, the next thing sure threw me for a loop.
Still sitting in Suho’s lap, Sehun put his hands on either side of Suho’s face and leaned in and pressed his pink, thin lips to his forehead. And, to put the topping on the cake, Suho blushed. He freaking blushed.
I needed to stop this; it’s just sickening. Before I knew it, I had stood up and they both looked at me with confusion written all over their faces.
“We’re done in here, let’s go watch that movie.”
We ended up watching both of the movies, and Suho’s mom had come home at the beginning of the first with take-out for dinner. We paused the Lion King and decided to go eat before we continued the movie.
After dinner, we sat on the couch with Suho on the far left, me on the right, and Sehun right in the middle. Before we even unpaused the movie, Sehun kept going on and on about how he was going to stay up for the both of them. We weren’t even half way into the first one and he was already sprawled out across us both. His head was in Suho’s lap and his tiny feet were in mine.
As quietly as we could, Suho and I agreed to finish watching the movie then we would head up. But I was so tired that I decided to go up early. When I told him he just nodded as he kept his eyes trained to the scene and his hand continuously running through Sehun’s hair.
“Do you want me to take him up with me.” I asked him as I rubbed the sleep from my eyes.
“Nah, its fine. I’ll just take him when I go up after this.” Nodding, I headed up the steps.
I couldn’t get to that little pull-out mattress fast enough; I all but collapsed on it as soon as I was in reach. Today had been a long day and I just wanted to sleep. Too bad my mind had other plans. As I tried to get comfortable my mind seemed like it tried to think everything at once. Sometimes I wished I had a switch that I could just turn it off, so it would shut the hell up and I could get some sleep.
Just as I started to drift into semi-unconsciousness, the bedroom door at my back, opened and I heard Suho trying to carry Sehun in silently. I heard him put Sehun on the bed and tuck him in, but, just as it sounded like he was going to leave, I heard Sehun’s sleepy voice.
“Suho?” he asked and I could just imagine Sehun’s hands stretching out for his.
“I’m here.” Suho answered in a hushed voice, probably worried about waking me up.
“Stay with me.” Sehun whispered and my heart clenched.
It was quiet for a few seconds before I heard Suho’s soft “okay” and the rustling of blankets along with Sehun’s small sigh of satisfaction.
It’s never me, is it?
Part 1