It Was Supposed to be Me
Title: It Was Supposed to be Me [2/?]
Author: cake_tree
Rating: PG
Pairing: SeKaiHo (Sehun/Kai/Suho)
Genre: au, angst
Word Count:4,908
Summary: How can I stand by and watch him slip away?
Part 1
-Kai, fifteen years old, sophomore year -
High school came as a sort of blessing, but also as a curse. I was so used to spending every free moment with Suho and Sehun that I didn’t realize that I was slowly losing myself. Eighth grade was very difficult on me because it wasn’t only my last year in middle school but also Sehun’s first.
Suho had made it very clear; take care of Sehun.
Like I not going to do that anyway.
As I was staring out across the cafeteria waiting for my friends to get out of their classes, my phone, which was lying on the table by my lunch tray, vibrated.
Hey Jongin, I was wondering if you knew if Suho was at school today? He hasn’t answered my texts… T^T
~Sehun
As I stared at that text I remembered when things had gotten out of hand for me.
Even when Sehun had met his best friend, Chen, he still stuck to my side all the time. There was a part of me that found sick satisfaction in rubbing it in Suho’s face, to watch the look of longing when I had told him of the times when Sehun, Chen, and I had gone out. But he couldn’t do anything about it, he was in his first year of high school and that’s when things started to matter. If he wanted to get into a good college he needed to study and get good grades now.
I felt like I was on top of the world, I was so high off this sick feeling of possession that I had for Sehun that I was almost glad Suho couldn’t be around.
But who was I kidding?
If Sehun said he missed Suho and wanted to see him, he did. It was easy for Suho to reject his invite to come out when it was over the phone, but Sehun soon learned that if he showed up at his house unannounced, demanding that he come along, he came.
Luckily, this only happened once in a while because Sehun understood that Suho needed to study, so I got Sehun to myself for the most part, with the exception of Chen. Over time I realized that this wasn’t right.
The realization occurred on one of the days that Chen had tried talking Sehun into chatting up one of the girls in their class, one of the girls that showed interest in him. When this happened, Sehun would always turn to me and ask me what I thought, and I would always tell him he could do better. Chen wasted no time in telling those said girls that Sehun’s dad did not approve of them, and I had the pleasure of over hearing some of their thoughts on the matter.
“It’s just not normal!” I heard a quiet hiss of a voice as I walked down the hallway, after school. As I reached the end of the hallway I realized that it was two girls that always hung around Sehun and Chen during the school day. “Sounds to me like someone has a bit of an obsession with Sehun.”
Once Sehun’s name left one of the girls’ lips I stopped to listen, because if this involved him I had to make sure he is okay.
“Sehun always talks so highly of him, so he can’t be that bad,” the other girl replied while shaking her head.
“You really are blind, aren’t you?” The first one said it as more of a statement than a question. “You had a chance to be with Sehun but since the “almighty Jongin” said no, it’s not going to happen.” The sarcastic emphasis on my name plucked my nerves, but I kept quiet all the same. I really wanted to hear what she had to say.
I heard a sigh. I suspected that the girl that had a crush on Sehun let it out, and then she mumbled so softly that I almost didn’t catch it, “He probably didn’t even like me anyway.”
“Bull crap, you two get along so well. I’m telling you, it’s Jongin’s fault, it’s like he’s trying to control who Sehun talks to,” the other girl huffed and then continued, “To me, the way I see Jongin looking at Sehun, it seems like he wants to lock him away so he can have him all to himself.”
Hearing that, I stood there shocked; the scary thing was that a part of me thought that what she said it didn’t really seem like such a bad idea. Sehun liked spending time with me, so why not keep him just for myself? I’d make sure he never got tired of me, and I’d make sure to take care of him forever. He wouldn’t need anyone else.
But, another part of me fought back, telling my mind how sick that really would be. Sehun loved people, and people loved him. It wouldn’t be fair to take him away from everything. He wouldn’t be happy, even if it was with me. And this part of me honestly believed that he would fight against me with everything he had to be free.
Because Sehun loved freedom.
As I was contemplating this, the nicer of the two girls, spoke up, “You’re freaking me out. Can we just not talk about this?” And with a sigh from the other they agreed to drop it and they left from their spot in the hallway, leaving me at the mercy of the war raging in my own head.
The sad thing was that even though I knew that those were disturbing threads of thoughts, they always came back to the forefront of my mind. It was even worst when Suho was around because Sehun looked like he wanted nothing more in the world than to be right next to him.
I felt like I would never get over the jealousy I had for Suho. What does he have that I don’t? Why was it always Suho when it comes to Sehun? Every time Sehun rabbled on about how he was on the phone all night with him, all I could think was, “Why the hell didn’t you call me?” But I held my tongue because I knew it wouldn’t change anything, it’s been this way from the beginning. I knew it, but I wanted to change it so bad.
But forcing him to stay by me wouldn’t help anything, and I needed to get myself in order before I tried. And in order to do that I needed to distance myself from him; I wasn’t in the right state of mind to compete with his bond with Suho. Luckily for me he started to pull away some towards the ending of my eighth grade; it’s not that things had gotten awkward, just that he was spending more time with Chen.
I liked Chen, and Chen loved girls, so he was fine with me.
Besides, time didn’t really worry me as I started my first year of high school because it meant that Suho and I were equally separated from Sehun. While Suho and I hung out during school hours, we both had our very own times with Sehun.
With a sigh, I brought my phone in front of me to text my reply.
Sorry, I haven’t seen him. Maybe he’s sick?
Just as I pressed the send button I heard my name being yelled.
“Yo Jongin, get your ass over here!” My friend Luhan shouted from beside the glass doors that led outside with the other guys standing right behind him. “We wanna skate.” Looking up at them, I smiled while got up and headed over to them.
I had time to get my head in order. Sehun wouldn’t get here for another year, so I got time.
I’ll always have the time for him.
-Suho, sixteen, junior year -
Finally, between the killer headaches and the unbearable stomach pains, I was able to drift off to sleep only to be woken up by the buzzing of my phone. Rolling over, I pulled my covers over my head in hopes that it would block out the noise. After some minutes it stopped vibrating, and I let out a sigh of relief.
Maybe now I can finally get some rest.
Just as I started to drift off again, my phone blared once more.
Sick and tired of it all, I threw the blankets off my head and yanked my phone off its changer and glared at the screen with tired eyes.
Incoming Call: Sehun
Wait, what? Why is he calling me? Shouldn’t he be in school?
While I rubbed the sleep from my eyes, I slid my thumb across the screen to answer the call.
“Hello?”
“Suho! Now you finally pick up,” he said with a sigh. “I’ve been texting you all morning and calling for the last ten minutes. Why didn’t you answer?”
Glancing at the clock, I replied, “Because I’m sick, and what are you even doing calling me? Shouldn’t you be in school? Its only twelve.” Settling back into my bed, I closed my eyes as I listened to his answers.
“Because I need to talk to you today, and it’s my lunch break.” After he said that I could hear Chen on the other side of the line trying to get Sehun to tell me something. “Shut up, I’ll do it later.”
“Tell me what?” I listened as I heard him go quiet; I was curious what he could possibly be keeping from me. He always told me everything.
There was some shuffling on the other end of the line before I heard Sehun’s muffled threat, “I will hit you if you don’t stop, Chen,” but Chen just laughed and Sehun came back on the line. “So you’re sick? Do you want me to come over and take care of you?”
“No, no. I don’t want you to get sick.” I told him as I tried to force myself to stay awake.
“Uh huh,” he said and I could almost imagine him rolling his eyes at me. “Okay, I’ll be there right after school.”
“But I sa-” I started to say, but he cut me off.
“Hey, I got to go, a teacher is coming.” I heard him whisper into the phone, “I’ll be there later, bye Suho.” And then all I could hear was a dead dial tone.
After putting my phone back on the changer, I rolled back over on my side and closed my eyes.
Better try and get some sleep while I can; heaven knows I won’t get any while that boy is here.
There are nights when Sehun would throw tiny rocks at my window, trying to not to alert my parents to his presence as he asks me to sneak out with him. I’ve asked him why he didn’t just text or call me, but his only reply was that calling would make too much noise, and I tended to ignore my texts. But really I thought he just liked doing these cheesy little things.
Then there are other days that he just walked in through my front door, without knocking, but being sure to throw a little wave to my mom as he drug me up the steps to my room.
And it just happens to be one of those days.
As he pulled me up the stairs my mother just smiled and offered him a mask, which he denied. He said something along the lines of, “Don’t worry, I’m strong enough to take care of your son.”
The way he stated that, it sounded like he was planning to take me away to go get married. Shaking that thought from my head, I was hit by a coughing fit and decided that if Sehun wouldn’t take the mask, then I would.
When he gave me a questioning look, I just rolled my eyes and said, “If you aren’t going to take care of your own health, then I’m going have to try my best to keep this sickness contained.”
And now here we were, sitting on my bed while we watched a movie of his choice. Which happened to be something that had to do with zombies and the group of survivors trying to find a cure; just like every other zombie movie out there.
Sehun was pressed so close to me that his thigh was practically on top of mine. He was so close that I could feel each and every one of his jumps, but I didn’t mind. This was Sehun, and he would always be my little buddy.
Once the movie finished, I stood up and stretched. I’d been so tired all day that this had been, by far, the longest I had been awake. Walking over to my TV stand that the little DVD player sat on, I took the movie out and put it back in its case and turned back to Sehun, who was still on my bed but now he was laying on his back and grinning at me.
“What?” I asked but he just kept smiling as he patted the spot on the bed next to him. Giving up on trying to keep my distance from him, I walked over and sat down; personal space never meant much to him anyway. As soon as I sat down he turned his body so his legs were laying up against the wall and his head was by my thighs.
Looking up as me he answered, “I was just remembering when I had watched that movie for the first time with Chen and he screamed like a little girl. I find it funny that you didn’t react at all.”
Shrugging, I told him, “It seemed kind of stupid to me. Every zombie movie is like that.”
“Oooh, such a man.” He cooed at me while patting my leg. I rolled my eyes in response and looked at the now blank TV; I was just staring until something came to my mind.
“What is it that you wanted to tell me earlier?” I asked and noticed how he stiffened next to me. When I turned to look at him, I saw that he had his eyes closed.
Just as I was about to ask again when he said, with his eyes still closed, “It’s not really important, Suho.”
“Chen seems to think it is,” I pointed out, while he opened his eyes to stare at the white ceiling.
“Yeah well, Chen thinks a lot of things and half of them are stupid,” he mumbled and rolled on to his side, facing away from me.
I paused for a moment before I questioned further, “Is it a bad thing?”
I heard him sigh then let out a muffled, “No.”
“Then why can’t you tell me?”
“It’s not that I can’t, I just don’t want to.”
I didn’t want to admit it, but that hurt, a lot. Sehun would tell me everything, and now he didn’t want to?
“Oh,” I paused and looked away. “Okay.”
“It’s just not important and I want to spend time with you. Just you, no distractions,” he told me as he turned back to face me and smiled, but I just frowned in return.
“You know Chen will just tell me if you don’t, and I can tell you right now I would rather hear it from you instead of finding it out from a second hand source,” I told him sternly.
“Fine!” he shouted as he rolled off the bed and threw up his hands while he started to pace my small room. “You want to know, I’ll tell you. A friend of mine had confessed to me, and I didn’t have the heart to turn her down. Chen has been making fun of me all day, so I was hoping I could just forget about the whole thing and come here to be with you.” As he finished his little speech, he sat himself down in my computer chair and put his hand over his face.
A girl confessed to Sehun? But he’s just a kid!
That was what my head was yelling at me, but as I took the chance to really look at him I noticed how much he had grown.
He’s not a little kid anymore… he’s not that little six year old kid anymore.
I don’t know why it came as such a shock to me that someone may have liked Sehun, but I wrote it off as me not coming to terms with him growing up. I mean it seemed like just yesterday that he would grab my hand and hold it as we walked down the street, but, in reality he hadn’t done that for years.
Where did all that time go?
Looking down at my hands I was seized with panic; am I losing him? I didn’t know why but he seemed so far away, and I blamed school; if it wasn’t for school we could be spending so much more time together. Before the panic could take over completely, he spoke up.
“Please say something, Suho,” he pleaded.
After a moment, I finally looked up at him to see him begging me with his eyes to say something, anything. Whether it was to congratulate him for it, or that I thought he was stupid for agreeing, I didn’t know. I just looked at him for a while before finally speaking up.
“Do you like her?”
“I don’t know, maybe?” he said and then he sighed, “Even if I don’t now I think I could later, she’s a nice girl. I think you’d like her,” he finished with a slight smile. “Her name is Soojin.”
It was such a pretty name and I hated it.
I knew from then on that whenever Sehun called me to hangout, if I heard that name that I would find a way to avoid him. As for the reason why, I didn’t really want to think too deeply into it at the moment.
-Kai, fifteen years old, sophomore year -
“So he’s got himself a girlfriend? Good for him,” I said to Suho like I was uninterested in the topic as I gazed across the student filled cafeteria.
“It didn’t seem to be good; he looked upset when he told me,” he told me as he handed me a bottle of water.
Now why in the world would someone be upset to be in a relationship?
Still trying to seem like this topic bored me, in a monotone voice, I asked, “Did he now? Did he say why?”
With a heavy sigh, Suho dropped his head to the table, “No, and he didn’t stay much longer after he told me either.”
Interesting, very interesting.
The possibility that Sehun had begun to pull away from his, oh so, tight knit bond with Suho excited me. Though, where it excited me, it also had me worried.
Could he do the same to me?
Looking back to Suho, I saw that he looked so down; I didn’t like to see him that way. He was a nice guy and a good friend, so I reached out and patted his shoulder.
“Don’t worry too much, this is his first relationship. He’s probably just scared.” The look Suho shot me was filled with such worry, but at the same time it looked like a type of grateful gaze.
“I’m just so confused…” he said and paused as he looked out the glass doors, “With everything really.”
I gave him a questioning look, “You’re confused?”
I watched as a light pink dusting made his way over Suho’s face until his whole face was covered, and that all too familiar sinking feeling returned.
“Yeah, last night I was forced to see Sehun in a different light and, now that’s changed everything.”
Well damn…
It was about a week later before I had gotten the text from Sehun that asked me to meet him at our usual place. I honestly didn’t know why we both insisted to keep meeting there, maybe it was because this was a place of our childhood. It was where we could go and forget, for just a moment, that we were growing up and just be.
In the text he told me that he didn’t know when he would be able to come, but he would be there because he really needed to talk to me. The amount of happiness I felt at that moment was indescribable; he needed me, not anyone else, just me.
So I brought my skateboard to keep my mind off the time. I hadn’t told Suho that I was meeting Sehun later that night because I was scared. Suho had started to realize that what he felt for Sehun wasn’t just brotherly love. No, this was the real deal, and I didn’t like it.
I also noticed that he was more subdued in these past few weeks. Whether it was because he thought it was hopeless or something else, I didn’t know.
It was getting late, and the sun had already begun its decent in the sky embracing the world in grey. This scene reminded me of the day Sehun had brought Suho here for the first time, and here I was, seven years later still trying to figure out if it was a good thing.
It’s a little nostalgic sitting here waiting for Sehun again, isn’t it?
Just as that thought was finished, across the field I saw Sehun running towards me with a smile stamped right in the middle of his face. Seeing him so excited to see me, I couldn’t help the smile that made its home on my very own face.
“Jongin!” he yelled as he threw himself into my arms. Tightening my hold on him, I pulled him closer as I heard him whisper, “I missed you.”
Because he was shorter than me by quite a bit, I was able to lie my cheek on the top of his head as I said, “I know the feeling,” but just like that our moment was over.
He pulled out of my arms and punched me in the shoulder as he laughed, “Then why do you ignore me when I text you?”
As his fist made contact with my arm I let it give a little, and then grinned at him, “Hey, I didn’t ignore you this time, did I?”
“Well…” he paused and pretended to look off into the distance before turning back to me with a sly grin. “I guess you didn’t.”
I flicked him on the nose before rolling my eyes while he rubbed it, sitting down on my skateboard. I then asked, “So, what is it that you want to talk to me about?”
“Nothing really,” he said as he let his gaze drift off to the side. “I just haven’t seen you in a long time.”
I sat there and watched his nervous shifting from one foot to the other before I replied, “Hey, you said there was something that you needed to talk to me about in that text. So get talking, boy.”
When he made no move to answer, I sighed. So I was going to have to force it out of him.
“Suho told me you have a girlfriend.” I started off slowly, and watched as I saw him turn towards me with slow careful movements.
“He did?” he asked me like it’s the hardest thing in the world to believe.
I would’ve laughed at his shock if I didn’t see the pain in his eyes; looking into them, I could see a crack in the mask he used to hide his feelings.
“Yeah, is it that hard to believe we talk about you?” I asked cautiously.
“Not you, it’s just…” he paused and looked away from me again to the other side of the park. “I think-no, I know that he’s been ignoring me. I just don’t know why…” he trailed off with such a hopeless note in his voice that it made me want to punch Suho.
But at the same time I wanted him to keep it up.
“It just makes me so mad!” he shouted causing me to flinch. “I didn’t do anything; I just asked if he wanted to meet Soojin and next thing I know he goes a week with ignoring my texts! Or when he does answer them, it’s always one worded replies.” After he was done, he was breathing in little angry huffs. He looked so ridiculous that I just had to laugh.
Oh Soojin? That girl that Chen tried to hook him up with in sixth grade? Now this really was interesting…
“You must really like this chick,” I said, still chuckling at his anger.
“That’s not it,” he told me with a sigh. “I’m not sure how I feel about her.”
“You’re dating a girl that you don’t know how you feel about?” I asked as I cut my eyes over to look at him still standing and I patted the ground next to my board telling him to take a seat. “That’s sounds like a load of shit.”
Still refusing to sit down, he crossed his arms over his chest. “It’s complicated.”
I grinned up at him and pulled his sleeve down to make him sit. “’Complicated’ sounds like ‘story time’ to me.”
He sighed as he finally took a seat and pulled his knee up to meet his chin. “I think I just feel guilty about the whole situation, in all honesty.”
“It’s not good to go into a relationship with those feelings, Sehun,” I told him gravely.
“It’s just that when she confessed I think I finally realized that all the affection she showed me since sixth grade had so much more meaning, and I just wanted to disappear. But I saw the more I waited the more it crushed her, so I couldn’t tell her no. I just couldn’t.” He whispered the last part as he buried his face in his knees. “I like her; I really do, but just as a friend. I mean there’s nothing wrong with her, she’s very pretty actually, but I’m just not attracted to her.” With his face still hidden he mumbled out the last part, “I think there’s something wrong with me.”
Hearing him sound so broken and hopeless, I couldn’t help it; I patted his head and pulled him over so that he could lean on my shoulder when I heard the soft sobs escape his mouth. We just sat there for a while as I let him cry it out; he truly was a kid that tried to make everyone else happy.
“I know you think what you’re doing is for the best, but you really should break up with her,” I told him as I ran my hand through his soft hair.
“I can’t. She will be so hurt.” He explained as he lifted his head up to look me in the eyes. There were no words to explain how much it broke my heart to see Sehun with fresh tear tracks running down his face and his eyes begging me to fix everything.
You don’t know how much I want to, you honestly have no clue.
“Just imagine how much it would hurt later on when she finds out that you never loved her like she did you. She’ll be devastated.” After finding whatever answers he was looking for in my eyes, he turned back to watching the empty field, and when I followed his gaze I noticed how dark it had gotten.
By now it was night. There was no sun to shine its light and warm up our cold bodies, but we had our coats to keep us comfortable. So we sat there and watched how the wind blew the leaves in the dark and made them look more ominous than they really were. It was so quiet that I could hear each and every breath that Sehun took and I loved it so much. I felt like it was just us; it was like going back in time, back to when we were kids and we would stay out all night because it wasn’t like anyone was missing us at home.
But just like that, Sehun spoke and broke the illusion.
“Why is Suho ignoring me?” he asked and when I turned to look at him, I saw how tightly his jaw was clenched.
Opting to turn back to the trees, I let out a sigh, “Just because he’s older doesn’t mean he’s smarter.”
Turning his whole body to face me, he grabbed my shoulders, gripping them a little tighter than necessary, and asked, “But what does that mean? Why would he ignore me in the first place? Please Jongin, I know you know something.” His pleas broke me. Sometimes I hated the hold he had on me.
“Sehun,” I started and grabbed his hands and pulled them from my shoulders, “He’s just confused and stressed. You know how he is, that makes him stupid, but just don’t give up. You’re bound to get through to him eventually.”
As much as I hated to admit it, I knew Suho made him happier. And a happy Sehun made me happy, so I really had no choice. I had to help out.
Besides, Suho’s depression is getting on my nerves as well.
Author: cake_tree
Rating: PG
Pairing: SeKaiHo (Sehun/Kai/Suho)
Genre: au, angst
Word Count:4,908
Summary: How can I stand by and watch him slip away?
Part 1
-Kai, fifteen years old, sophomore year -
High school came as a sort of blessing, but also as a curse. I was so used to spending every free moment with Suho and Sehun that I didn’t realize that I was slowly losing myself. Eighth grade was very difficult on me because it wasn’t only my last year in middle school but also Sehun’s first.
Suho had made it very clear; take care of Sehun.
Like I not going to do that anyway.
As I was staring out across the cafeteria waiting for my friends to get out of their classes, my phone, which was lying on the table by my lunch tray, vibrated.
Hey Jongin, I was wondering if you knew if Suho was at school today? He hasn’t answered my texts… T^T
~Sehun
As I stared at that text I remembered when things had gotten out of hand for me.
Even when Sehun had met his best friend, Chen, he still stuck to my side all the time. There was a part of me that found sick satisfaction in rubbing it in Suho’s face, to watch the look of longing when I had told him of the times when Sehun, Chen, and I had gone out. But he couldn’t do anything about it, he was in his first year of high school and that’s when things started to matter. If he wanted to get into a good college he needed to study and get good grades now.
I felt like I was on top of the world, I was so high off this sick feeling of possession that I had for Sehun that I was almost glad Suho couldn’t be around.
But who was I kidding?
If Sehun said he missed Suho and wanted to see him, he did. It was easy for Suho to reject his invite to come out when it was over the phone, but Sehun soon learned that if he showed up at his house unannounced, demanding that he come along, he came.
Luckily, this only happened once in a while because Sehun understood that Suho needed to study, so I got Sehun to myself for the most part, with the exception of Chen. Over time I realized that this wasn’t right.
The realization occurred on one of the days that Chen had tried talking Sehun into chatting up one of the girls in their class, one of the girls that showed interest in him. When this happened, Sehun would always turn to me and ask me what I thought, and I would always tell him he could do better. Chen wasted no time in telling those said girls that Sehun’s dad did not approve of them, and I had the pleasure of over hearing some of their thoughts on the matter.
“It’s just not normal!” I heard a quiet hiss of a voice as I walked down the hallway, after school. As I reached the end of the hallway I realized that it was two girls that always hung around Sehun and Chen during the school day. “Sounds to me like someone has a bit of an obsession with Sehun.”
Once Sehun’s name left one of the girls’ lips I stopped to listen, because if this involved him I had to make sure he is okay.
“Sehun always talks so highly of him, so he can’t be that bad,” the other girl replied while shaking her head.
“You really are blind, aren’t you?” The first one said it as more of a statement than a question. “You had a chance to be with Sehun but since the “almighty Jongin” said no, it’s not going to happen.” The sarcastic emphasis on my name plucked my nerves, but I kept quiet all the same. I really wanted to hear what she had to say.
I heard a sigh. I suspected that the girl that had a crush on Sehun let it out, and then she mumbled so softly that I almost didn’t catch it, “He probably didn’t even like me anyway.”
“Bull crap, you two get along so well. I’m telling you, it’s Jongin’s fault, it’s like he’s trying to control who Sehun talks to,” the other girl huffed and then continued, “To me, the way I see Jongin looking at Sehun, it seems like he wants to lock him away so he can have him all to himself.”
Hearing that, I stood there shocked; the scary thing was that a part of me thought that what she said it didn’t really seem like such a bad idea. Sehun liked spending time with me, so why not keep him just for myself? I’d make sure he never got tired of me, and I’d make sure to take care of him forever. He wouldn’t need anyone else.
But, another part of me fought back, telling my mind how sick that really would be. Sehun loved people, and people loved him. It wouldn’t be fair to take him away from everything. He wouldn’t be happy, even if it was with me. And this part of me honestly believed that he would fight against me with everything he had to be free.
Because Sehun loved freedom.
As I was contemplating this, the nicer of the two girls, spoke up, “You’re freaking me out. Can we just not talk about this?” And with a sigh from the other they agreed to drop it and they left from their spot in the hallway, leaving me at the mercy of the war raging in my own head.
The sad thing was that even though I knew that those were disturbing threads of thoughts, they always came back to the forefront of my mind. It was even worst when Suho was around because Sehun looked like he wanted nothing more in the world than to be right next to him.
I felt like I would never get over the jealousy I had for Suho. What does he have that I don’t? Why was it always Suho when it comes to Sehun? Every time Sehun rabbled on about how he was on the phone all night with him, all I could think was, “Why the hell didn’t you call me?” But I held my tongue because I knew it wouldn’t change anything, it’s been this way from the beginning. I knew it, but I wanted to change it so bad.
But forcing him to stay by me wouldn’t help anything, and I needed to get myself in order before I tried. And in order to do that I needed to distance myself from him; I wasn’t in the right state of mind to compete with his bond with Suho. Luckily for me he started to pull away some towards the ending of my eighth grade; it’s not that things had gotten awkward, just that he was spending more time with Chen.
I liked Chen, and Chen loved girls, so he was fine with me.
Besides, time didn’t really worry me as I started my first year of high school because it meant that Suho and I were equally separated from Sehun. While Suho and I hung out during school hours, we both had our very own times with Sehun.
With a sigh, I brought my phone in front of me to text my reply.
Sorry, I haven’t seen him. Maybe he’s sick?
Just as I pressed the send button I heard my name being yelled.
“Yo Jongin, get your ass over here!” My friend Luhan shouted from beside the glass doors that led outside with the other guys standing right behind him. “We wanna skate.” Looking up at them, I smiled while got up and headed over to them.
I had time to get my head in order. Sehun wouldn’t get here for another year, so I got time.
I’ll always have the time for him.
-Suho, sixteen, junior year -
Finally, between the killer headaches and the unbearable stomach pains, I was able to drift off to sleep only to be woken up by the buzzing of my phone. Rolling over, I pulled my covers over my head in hopes that it would block out the noise. After some minutes it stopped vibrating, and I let out a sigh of relief.
Maybe now I can finally get some rest.
Just as I started to drift off again, my phone blared once more.
Sick and tired of it all, I threw the blankets off my head and yanked my phone off its changer and glared at the screen with tired eyes.
Incoming Call: Sehun
Wait, what? Why is he calling me? Shouldn’t he be in school?
While I rubbed the sleep from my eyes, I slid my thumb across the screen to answer the call.
“Hello?”
“Suho! Now you finally pick up,” he said with a sigh. “I’ve been texting you all morning and calling for the last ten minutes. Why didn’t you answer?”
Glancing at the clock, I replied, “Because I’m sick, and what are you even doing calling me? Shouldn’t you be in school? Its only twelve.” Settling back into my bed, I closed my eyes as I listened to his answers.
“Because I need to talk to you today, and it’s my lunch break.” After he said that I could hear Chen on the other side of the line trying to get Sehun to tell me something. “Shut up, I’ll do it later.”
“Tell me what?” I listened as I heard him go quiet; I was curious what he could possibly be keeping from me. He always told me everything.
There was some shuffling on the other end of the line before I heard Sehun’s muffled threat, “I will hit you if you don’t stop, Chen,” but Chen just laughed and Sehun came back on the line. “So you’re sick? Do you want me to come over and take care of you?”
“No, no. I don’t want you to get sick.” I told him as I tried to force myself to stay awake.
“Uh huh,” he said and I could almost imagine him rolling his eyes at me. “Okay, I’ll be there right after school.”
“But I sa-” I started to say, but he cut me off.
“Hey, I got to go, a teacher is coming.” I heard him whisper into the phone, “I’ll be there later, bye Suho.” And then all I could hear was a dead dial tone.
After putting my phone back on the changer, I rolled back over on my side and closed my eyes.
Better try and get some sleep while I can; heaven knows I won’t get any while that boy is here.
There are nights when Sehun would throw tiny rocks at my window, trying to not to alert my parents to his presence as he asks me to sneak out with him. I’ve asked him why he didn’t just text or call me, but his only reply was that calling would make too much noise, and I tended to ignore my texts. But really I thought he just liked doing these cheesy little things.
Then there are other days that he just walked in through my front door, without knocking, but being sure to throw a little wave to my mom as he drug me up the steps to my room.
And it just happens to be one of those days.
As he pulled me up the stairs my mother just smiled and offered him a mask, which he denied. He said something along the lines of, “Don’t worry, I’m strong enough to take care of your son.”
The way he stated that, it sounded like he was planning to take me away to go get married. Shaking that thought from my head, I was hit by a coughing fit and decided that if Sehun wouldn’t take the mask, then I would.
When he gave me a questioning look, I just rolled my eyes and said, “If you aren’t going to take care of your own health, then I’m going have to try my best to keep this sickness contained.”
And now here we were, sitting on my bed while we watched a movie of his choice. Which happened to be something that had to do with zombies and the group of survivors trying to find a cure; just like every other zombie movie out there.
Sehun was pressed so close to me that his thigh was practically on top of mine. He was so close that I could feel each and every one of his jumps, but I didn’t mind. This was Sehun, and he would always be my little buddy.
Once the movie finished, I stood up and stretched. I’d been so tired all day that this had been, by far, the longest I had been awake. Walking over to my TV stand that the little DVD player sat on, I took the movie out and put it back in its case and turned back to Sehun, who was still on my bed but now he was laying on his back and grinning at me.
“What?” I asked but he just kept smiling as he patted the spot on the bed next to him. Giving up on trying to keep my distance from him, I walked over and sat down; personal space never meant much to him anyway. As soon as I sat down he turned his body so his legs were laying up against the wall and his head was by my thighs.
Looking up as me he answered, “I was just remembering when I had watched that movie for the first time with Chen and he screamed like a little girl. I find it funny that you didn’t react at all.”
Shrugging, I told him, “It seemed kind of stupid to me. Every zombie movie is like that.”
“Oooh, such a man.” He cooed at me while patting my leg. I rolled my eyes in response and looked at the now blank TV; I was just staring until something came to my mind.
“What is it that you wanted to tell me earlier?” I asked and noticed how he stiffened next to me. When I turned to look at him, I saw that he had his eyes closed.
Just as I was about to ask again when he said, with his eyes still closed, “It’s not really important, Suho.”
“Chen seems to think it is,” I pointed out, while he opened his eyes to stare at the white ceiling.
“Yeah well, Chen thinks a lot of things and half of them are stupid,” he mumbled and rolled on to his side, facing away from me.
I paused for a moment before I questioned further, “Is it a bad thing?”
I heard him sigh then let out a muffled, “No.”
“Then why can’t you tell me?”
“It’s not that I can’t, I just don’t want to.”
I didn’t want to admit it, but that hurt, a lot. Sehun would tell me everything, and now he didn’t want to?
“Oh,” I paused and looked away. “Okay.”
“It’s just not important and I want to spend time with you. Just you, no distractions,” he told me as he turned back to face me and smiled, but I just frowned in return.
“You know Chen will just tell me if you don’t, and I can tell you right now I would rather hear it from you instead of finding it out from a second hand source,” I told him sternly.
“Fine!” he shouted as he rolled off the bed and threw up his hands while he started to pace my small room. “You want to know, I’ll tell you. A friend of mine had confessed to me, and I didn’t have the heart to turn her down. Chen has been making fun of me all day, so I was hoping I could just forget about the whole thing and come here to be with you.” As he finished his little speech, he sat himself down in my computer chair and put his hand over his face.
A girl confessed to Sehun? But he’s just a kid!
That was what my head was yelling at me, but as I took the chance to really look at him I noticed how much he had grown.
He’s not a little kid anymore… he’s not that little six year old kid anymore.
I don’t know why it came as such a shock to me that someone may have liked Sehun, but I wrote it off as me not coming to terms with him growing up. I mean it seemed like just yesterday that he would grab my hand and hold it as we walked down the street, but, in reality he hadn’t done that for years.
Where did all that time go?
Looking down at my hands I was seized with panic; am I losing him? I didn’t know why but he seemed so far away, and I blamed school; if it wasn’t for school we could be spending so much more time together. Before the panic could take over completely, he spoke up.
“Please say something, Suho,” he pleaded.
After a moment, I finally looked up at him to see him begging me with his eyes to say something, anything. Whether it was to congratulate him for it, or that I thought he was stupid for agreeing, I didn’t know. I just looked at him for a while before finally speaking up.
“Do you like her?”
“I don’t know, maybe?” he said and then he sighed, “Even if I don’t now I think I could later, she’s a nice girl. I think you’d like her,” he finished with a slight smile. “Her name is Soojin.”
It was such a pretty name and I hated it.
I knew from then on that whenever Sehun called me to hangout, if I heard that name that I would find a way to avoid him. As for the reason why, I didn’t really want to think too deeply into it at the moment.
-Kai, fifteen years old, sophomore year -
“So he’s got himself a girlfriend? Good for him,” I said to Suho like I was uninterested in the topic as I gazed across the student filled cafeteria.
“It didn’t seem to be good; he looked upset when he told me,” he told me as he handed me a bottle of water.
Now why in the world would someone be upset to be in a relationship?
Still trying to seem like this topic bored me, in a monotone voice, I asked, “Did he now? Did he say why?”
With a heavy sigh, Suho dropped his head to the table, “No, and he didn’t stay much longer after he told me either.”
Interesting, very interesting.
The possibility that Sehun had begun to pull away from his, oh so, tight knit bond with Suho excited me. Though, where it excited me, it also had me worried.
Could he do the same to me?
Looking back to Suho, I saw that he looked so down; I didn’t like to see him that way. He was a nice guy and a good friend, so I reached out and patted his shoulder.
“Don’t worry too much, this is his first relationship. He’s probably just scared.” The look Suho shot me was filled with such worry, but at the same time it looked like a type of grateful gaze.
“I’m just so confused…” he said and paused as he looked out the glass doors, “With everything really.”
I gave him a questioning look, “You’re confused?”
I watched as a light pink dusting made his way over Suho’s face until his whole face was covered, and that all too familiar sinking feeling returned.
“Yeah, last night I was forced to see Sehun in a different light and, now that’s changed everything.”
Well damn…
It was about a week later before I had gotten the text from Sehun that asked me to meet him at our usual place. I honestly didn’t know why we both insisted to keep meeting there, maybe it was because this was a place of our childhood. It was where we could go and forget, for just a moment, that we were growing up and just be.
In the text he told me that he didn’t know when he would be able to come, but he would be there because he really needed to talk to me. The amount of happiness I felt at that moment was indescribable; he needed me, not anyone else, just me.
So I brought my skateboard to keep my mind off the time. I hadn’t told Suho that I was meeting Sehun later that night because I was scared. Suho had started to realize that what he felt for Sehun wasn’t just brotherly love. No, this was the real deal, and I didn’t like it.
I also noticed that he was more subdued in these past few weeks. Whether it was because he thought it was hopeless or something else, I didn’t know.
It was getting late, and the sun had already begun its decent in the sky embracing the world in grey. This scene reminded me of the day Sehun had brought Suho here for the first time, and here I was, seven years later still trying to figure out if it was a good thing.
It’s a little nostalgic sitting here waiting for Sehun again, isn’t it?
Just as that thought was finished, across the field I saw Sehun running towards me with a smile stamped right in the middle of his face. Seeing him so excited to see me, I couldn’t help the smile that made its home on my very own face.
“Jongin!” he yelled as he threw himself into my arms. Tightening my hold on him, I pulled him closer as I heard him whisper, “I missed you.”
Because he was shorter than me by quite a bit, I was able to lie my cheek on the top of his head as I said, “I know the feeling,” but just like that our moment was over.
He pulled out of my arms and punched me in the shoulder as he laughed, “Then why do you ignore me when I text you?”
As his fist made contact with my arm I let it give a little, and then grinned at him, “Hey, I didn’t ignore you this time, did I?”
“Well…” he paused and pretended to look off into the distance before turning back to me with a sly grin. “I guess you didn’t.”
I flicked him on the nose before rolling my eyes while he rubbed it, sitting down on my skateboard. I then asked, “So, what is it that you want to talk to me about?”
“Nothing really,” he said as he let his gaze drift off to the side. “I just haven’t seen you in a long time.”
I sat there and watched his nervous shifting from one foot to the other before I replied, “Hey, you said there was something that you needed to talk to me about in that text. So get talking, boy.”
When he made no move to answer, I sighed. So I was going to have to force it out of him.
“Suho told me you have a girlfriend.” I started off slowly, and watched as I saw him turn towards me with slow careful movements.
“He did?” he asked me like it’s the hardest thing in the world to believe.
I would’ve laughed at his shock if I didn’t see the pain in his eyes; looking into them, I could see a crack in the mask he used to hide his feelings.
“Yeah, is it that hard to believe we talk about you?” I asked cautiously.
“Not you, it’s just…” he paused and looked away from me again to the other side of the park. “I think-no, I know that he’s been ignoring me. I just don’t know why…” he trailed off with such a hopeless note in his voice that it made me want to punch Suho.
But at the same time I wanted him to keep it up.
“It just makes me so mad!” he shouted causing me to flinch. “I didn’t do anything; I just asked if he wanted to meet Soojin and next thing I know he goes a week with ignoring my texts! Or when he does answer them, it’s always one worded replies.” After he was done, he was breathing in little angry huffs. He looked so ridiculous that I just had to laugh.
Oh Soojin? That girl that Chen tried to hook him up with in sixth grade? Now this really was interesting…
“You must really like this chick,” I said, still chuckling at his anger.
“That’s not it,” he told me with a sigh. “I’m not sure how I feel about her.”
“You’re dating a girl that you don’t know how you feel about?” I asked as I cut my eyes over to look at him still standing and I patted the ground next to my board telling him to take a seat. “That’s sounds like a load of shit.”
Still refusing to sit down, he crossed his arms over his chest. “It’s complicated.”
I grinned up at him and pulled his sleeve down to make him sit. “’Complicated’ sounds like ‘story time’ to me.”
He sighed as he finally took a seat and pulled his knee up to meet his chin. “I think I just feel guilty about the whole situation, in all honesty.”
“It’s not good to go into a relationship with those feelings, Sehun,” I told him gravely.
“It’s just that when she confessed I think I finally realized that all the affection she showed me since sixth grade had so much more meaning, and I just wanted to disappear. But I saw the more I waited the more it crushed her, so I couldn’t tell her no. I just couldn’t.” He whispered the last part as he buried his face in his knees. “I like her; I really do, but just as a friend. I mean there’s nothing wrong with her, she’s very pretty actually, but I’m just not attracted to her.” With his face still hidden he mumbled out the last part, “I think there’s something wrong with me.”
Hearing him sound so broken and hopeless, I couldn’t help it; I patted his head and pulled him over so that he could lean on my shoulder when I heard the soft sobs escape his mouth. We just sat there for a while as I let him cry it out; he truly was a kid that tried to make everyone else happy.
“I know you think what you’re doing is for the best, but you really should break up with her,” I told him as I ran my hand through his soft hair.
“I can’t. She will be so hurt.” He explained as he lifted his head up to look me in the eyes. There were no words to explain how much it broke my heart to see Sehun with fresh tear tracks running down his face and his eyes begging me to fix everything.
You don’t know how much I want to, you honestly have no clue.
“Just imagine how much it would hurt later on when she finds out that you never loved her like she did you. She’ll be devastated.” After finding whatever answers he was looking for in my eyes, he turned back to watching the empty field, and when I followed his gaze I noticed how dark it had gotten.
By now it was night. There was no sun to shine its light and warm up our cold bodies, but we had our coats to keep us comfortable. So we sat there and watched how the wind blew the leaves in the dark and made them look more ominous than they really were. It was so quiet that I could hear each and every breath that Sehun took and I loved it so much. I felt like it was just us; it was like going back in time, back to when we were kids and we would stay out all night because it wasn’t like anyone was missing us at home.
But just like that, Sehun spoke and broke the illusion.
“Why is Suho ignoring me?” he asked and when I turned to look at him, I saw how tightly his jaw was clenched.
Opting to turn back to the trees, I let out a sigh, “Just because he’s older doesn’t mean he’s smarter.”
Turning his whole body to face me, he grabbed my shoulders, gripping them a little tighter than necessary, and asked, “But what does that mean? Why would he ignore me in the first place? Please Jongin, I know you know something.” His pleas broke me. Sometimes I hated the hold he had on me.
“Sehun,” I started and grabbed his hands and pulled them from my shoulders, “He’s just confused and stressed. You know how he is, that makes him stupid, but just don’t give up. You’re bound to get through to him eventually.”
As much as I hated to admit it, I knew Suho made him happier. And a happy Sehun made me happy, so I really had no choice. I had to help out.
Besides, Suho’s depression is getting on my nerves as well.