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[caligeekgrrl]

I hate the world and the world hates me.

Maybe it's time to push everyone away. The fewer people I know, the less people I'll hurt, and the fewer who can hurt me.

I wish I were never born. It would have been best for everyone.

I'm fucked up in the head. The meds don't help. I'm just not a happy person. I should just be shot and put out of my

Comments

[satyrlovesong]

My life would be diminished by not having known you.

And yes, you do have some emotional issues and your meds aren't helping as much as you like. But honestly love, I really think that a lot of this *IS* is your control but as long as you claim it's NOT in your control you can let yourself behave in unjustifiable ways and say "It's not my fault".

You don't need to be shot and you certainly don't need to be put out of your misery. You need to grow up. You're capable of such great focus when you want to be (look at your love life - it borders on obsession) but you choose to focus on the wrong things. It really all comes down to choice. If you want something badly enough, you'll make those hard choices. If you just THINK you want something, then you'll drift along in your life like you have been and nothing will change.

[caligeekgrrl]

Every day I wake up crying. And I cry all day. Because my brain won't let me let go. My brain chooses to torture me. If I really had a choice, I wouldn't pull out my hair, I wouldn't be in all this pain, I wouldn't keep thinking of all these things that hurt me. Even while I sleep, my mind torments me with what I have lost. So the first thing on my mind the moment I wake up is her. I think back to all the tell tail signs. She never loved me. She never wanted to be with me. I was just a ride until she found something better. I even mentioned that to her once or twice when we were still together. And you know what... they will always find someone better than me. I'm too fucked up. Trust me, I've tried to change the things I don't like about myself. But I always fail. And when no one wants to stick around long enough to try and help me, I lose hope. And I've lost it. All of it

[satyrlovesong]

*shrugs*

I don't give up lightly, though I must admit with the spectre of cancer hanging over me at the moment I'm a little less emotionally flexible than normal.