Comments | calliopeoracle: hands are reaching up to touch my thigh

calliopeoracle

hands are reaching up to touch my thigh

Nov 06, 2012 15:47

I got up early and voted. Came home and have been relaxing. I've been getting a lot of love! my mom sent flowers and my brother sent me a box of fun geekery from thinkgeek.

I'm not feeling the greatest physically, but I'm starting to feel better emotionally.

( Introspection under the cut: thoughts of grief/nostalgia/personal growth )

cari

Comments 4

mianne November 8 2012, 01:39:58 UTC

I know this post is a personal remembrance and I feel like an ugly interloping exhibitionist reading such lovely words. But I'm so very truly sorry for your loss. This broke my heart. I've had both of you in my thoughts ever since I saw your facebook post. I know it's not possible to heal completely, but my thoughts and wishes are still with you on the long road following her untimely death. I hope you can keep writing.

calliopeoracle November 8 2012, 02:10:07 UTC

Oh no, please don't feel that way at all! I appreciate your thoughts, it means a lot. <3

There's a few things that have been weighing on me. Reading my old journal reminded me how much I enjoyed putting my thoughts and feelings down, even if they were often vague and disjointed, and how nice it is to be able to look back, even at the bad times. I had been holding a lot in, it's nice to get things down. This post was really cathartic, as that's a secret I'd been holding in since 2007. (although I suspect anyone who ever saw us together would have guessed XD)

I may write more as things go on. I've never lost someone I was close to before. This is definitely... something.

lackingfeck November 11 2012, 08:35:18 UTC

I loved her so much, but I was far too shy to tell. I really really did. she was incredible in everything she ever created or brought to light or even spoke. I miss her so much. I miss her more than anyone. I wish so badly that I could've messaged her something more meaningful than "could you give me any good Korean pop?" before her death. I feel so hateful and miserable. I've been watching her youtube videos over and over and imagining the weekend that we had planned, when she was going to give me that drawing I had as my fb profile picture before, but of course that was the weekend that my mom found out my dad was cheating on her and all my sister's stories of rape were true. I hate so much that day I found out, I was going to hand over my tablet to her and we had talked about my strap-on (even if it weren't going to be used) and we talked about art and her voice was so tiny and so sweet over the phone and even if I wasn't in love with her then, I was at the moment I heard her speaking to me. I miss her. I miss her. I miss her. she ( ... )

calliopeoracle November 11 2012, 15:54:13 UTC

*HUGS* I know you loved her. I'm pretty sure she knew too. I know she wanted to meet you a ton. I wish I could remember more.

That sounds like the worst day ever.

I wish you two could have gotten to spend time together. I wish the three of us had, also. That would have been amazing times.

Cari was (and is!) such an inspiration. Every day I find new ways she influenced my life, little pieces of herself that she left with me. I miss her so desperately. Every day I wake up and my heart breaks all over again.

If you want to talk more, poke me on G. I pretty much always want to talk about Cari. *HUGS*