Go With The Flow (Or Make Your Own) Part 1 for ravenflight21
Title: Go With The Flow (Or Make Your Own)
Author: vicky_v
Rating: R
Word count: 12.5k
Warnings: Character death at the beginning, slight sexual content
Disclaimer: I own nothing in connection with BBC's Merlin and receive absolutely no money through this fanwork which is for entertainment purposes only.
Summary/prompt: It is inevitable that things will change. But some changes aren't as easy as others, as Merlin finds.
Notes: For ravenflight21. Includes Arthur's coronation but sadly I fail at UST. Hope you at least enjoy it a little bit. ♥ References a quote from 3x06.
It was during the weeks after the passing of Uther when it happened.
In a way, it was like nature's cruel joke. As the days began to shorten and the air grew colder and whispers began to go around of the veil between life and death thinning, King Uther Pendragon drew his last breath, just as the leaves began to become tinged with brown around the edges. The illness had been long and stretched over most of the summer but his passing hadn't been entirely cruel, as far as Gaius could tell. The King had gone in his sleep.
The kingdom mourned, but life had to go on. Though he wouldn't be officially crowned for a few weeks, Arthur took over his father's duties in ordering the various guard patrols and overseeing the preparations for the Samhain celebration. The time seemed to pass in a blur where Arthur was always on his feet, going from one end of the castle to the other, searching for knights to take charge of a guard patrol or a training session, and sometimes he went down into the lower towns himself to settle a dispute. Arthur went to bed late and rose again early in the morning and Merlin wasn't sure if he slept very much at all during those few hours he had to himself. Because whenever he saw Arthur his face was pale and the shadows under his eyes were dark and sometimes his eyes seemed somewhat swollen, like he'd been rubbing at them.
Arthur's temper shortened drastically. When he spoke, Merlin could often hear the strain of irritation in his voice as he tried to remain calm and collected enough to make sensible decisions. Then when night fell and Arthur retired to his chambers he would finally unleash all the pent-up frustration which had been gathering during the day, shouting in a rage and pacing the floor like a caged animal while Merlin saw to a few duties around the room. Sometimes Arthur ripped his sword away from its sheath and struck at the wall with it and sometimes he would grab whatever first came to hand, often a cup or a dish, to hurl it across the room. But still Merlin remained there while Arthur raged and ranted at him until he was snapped at to leave.
"I don't know what to do," Merlin told Gaius one night as he sat with his head in his hands. "Arthur talks about everything else except Uther and I know that's what's really upsetting him. But I'm not sure if I dare bring it up."
"Give it time," Gaius advised him with a heavy voice and a pat to Merlin's back. "Just stay with him. He'll thank you for being there one day."
As far as Merlin was concerned, that went without saying. Day after day he rose early, often before dawn now that the days were growing shorter, in order to go to the kitchens and fetch Arthur his breakfast before going to him. Sometimes Arthur didn't eat any of it, claiming he wasn't hungry and had things which needed to be done. But recently he had at least been taking a bit of fruit out with him after seeing the looks of worry Merlin gave when the food was rejected. Through the day Merlin remained at Arthur's side as often as he was able to, watching how he did things and the organisation which was going into both the Samhain festival and Arthur's coronation, which was to follow soon afterwards. Sometimes Merlin tried to slip in his own advice which Arthur would occasionally consider. Then he would follow Arthur back to his chambers and listen to the soft sighs of relief as he eased his jacket from his shoulders and slumped down in his chair to pick at the dinner Merlin brought him. As usual, Merlin would remain and listen to Arthur grumble about all the things which had gone wrong, how everything seemed to be a mess and that with the way things were going they wouldn't even have things done by the time the next Beltane come, never mind for Samhain itself. While he listened, Merlin polished Arthur's boots and made sure his armour was ready and that his bed was made before Arthur finally retreated to it, often in just a pair of slacks and a thin shirt. Summer was ending but the nights were still warm enough.
As Arthur dismissed Merlin for the night, he turned away so Merlin could only see his back and not know whether he was falling asleep or lying there with his eyes wide open. But Merlin never asked. He just blew out the last candles, always with his gaze upon Arthur's back and the hair upon the nape of his neck and the way his shoulders ever so slightly moved along with his breathing.
When Merlin closed Arthur's door behind him, his throat would be dry.
Then suddenly it all came together and the day of the Samhain festival was upon them. In the lower town decorations had been crafted and hung with pride on doors, walls and archways. A large bonfire stood ready for the evening in the middle of town and until then wooden instruments were played, warming up for the celebration which would occur at night, and the aroma of baking goods wafted from many windows. Banners were being hung up by many of the town's women while the men made their final decisions in which of the livestock would be spared for another year and which ones would be slaughtered to see Camelot through another winter. Some children ran around in wooden masks and old capes, pretending to be the spirits of the dead, while others carved funny faces into turnips, which, their mothers told them, would ward off any harmful spirits who might break through that night.
The castle itself was to have the usual celebration of its own bonfire festival in the courtyard, where it was custom to wear cloaks and a mask. By the time it was dark, the flames of two large bonfires were blazing tall and merry in the courtyard and the air was filled with chatter and pleasantries and soft music playing. The heavy cloud of gloom which had hung over Camelot since the announcement of Uther's passing seemed to have lifted and people were finally beginning to enjoy themselves again. Even Arthur, Merlin observed, seemed much more relaxed. Arthur even took part in passing between both bonfires, though Merlin watched carefully, focusing his magic and reaching out with it to keep the flames from licking too close against Arthur's body.
Merlin continued to keep a watchful eye on Arthur throughout the evening, for he knew Arthur had barely slept at all the previous night and had been running around for most of the day. He'd been seeing to the last minute preparations and trying to sort out all the things which had suddenly gone wrong and then panicking because he suddenly realised he had forgotten to organise any guard patrols in the lower town, only to be assured that Leon had already seen to it.
To Arthur's credit, he was doing well in taking on the duties which had so suddenly been thrust upon his shoulders and Merlin couldn't help but feel proud of him for that. But amongst all the stress the work created Arthur seemed to have started pushing Merlin away, giving him extra duties, some of which appeared to be just to keep him working, and beginning to ignore more and more of his suggestions. While Merlin understood that the situation Arthur had suddenly found him in wasn't easy, the realisation that he was starting to be pushed away still hurt.
Then he heard a quiet voice speak his name from just behind his right shoulder. He turned to see a woman wearing a red cloak with the hood pulled up over her head. Her face was covered by a simple crimson mask which had no decoration. As Merlin met her green eyes they briefly flashed with gold, leaving him with no doubt of who he was talking to.
"Morgana." He spoke her name quietly and felt his words almost catch in his throat. His shoulders tensed and he glanced nervously around but nobody seemed to be paying any attention to them.
That was because they couldn't, Merlin realised. There was magic in the air, hanging thick and heavy around them, like a curtain. It was magic which didn't make them invisible but made sure nobody really noticed them, pushing the pair of magic-users to the very corners of their vision where they would go unnoticed.
"Don't worry, I'm not here to cause trouble this time," Morgana said as she noticed Merlin's nervous looks. "I don't wish Arthur any trouble. My argument was never with him. Who would have thought," she went on, casting a brief glance over towards the celebrations, "all those years and plans and it turns out I could have just let nature take care of Uther for me."
"I still don't think you completely mean that," Merlin said softly, shaking his head. "Not after all he did for you."
Morgana seemed to consider this but gave no response. Instead she simply told him; "I'm leaving for a while."
Merlin felt something cold and heavy plunge into his stomach. "Again?"
"Of my own accord this time," Morgana said, looking back to him. "Some of Algain's druid group have come back together, so I'm going with them for a while. They'll actually be able to help me, I'm sure of that."
"When will you come back?" Merlin asked. He would miss her, he suddenly realised, and terribly so. His chest clenched and once again he wished more than anything that magic existed which would allow him to turn back time and do some things differently.
"I don't know," Morgana sadly shook his head as she cast another look over towards Arthur, just as he bit into a last bit of meat and cast the bone into one of the bonfires. "Lots of things are going to change in Camelot, but I don't know exactly how. But I'll know when it's the right time to come back."
"We'll miss you," was all Merlin could think of to say.
"Look out for Gwen for me," Morgana said with a small smile. "And take care of Arthur as well. He can't even put on his socks without you there to help him, so I dread to think what would happen if he tried to run a kingdom all by himself."
Merlin laughed, Morgana's eyes lit up as she chuckled and for a moment it was just like old times again. Then she stood up on her toes to kiss him on the chin, for below the nose was the only part of Merlin's face which wasn't covered by his mask.
Then Merlin found his gaze going back out to the Samhain celebration in the courtyard, towards the small group of men to the side who were playing wind instruments and the servants who were hurrying around with plates of meat and trays of mead. He saw a few of the unlucky guards who needed to be on duty that night dotted around, though most of them would be keeping order in the lower town. Merlin saw the long cloaks and elaborate masks which people wore, though people were often able to guess who everybody was once they got talking. Gwen was serving that night and was wearing late summer flowers in her hair. Merlin caught her eye and she smiled as she carried away a tray of empty tankards towards the kitchens. But looking over to her felt somehow forced. As though his vision were being pushed that way. Merlin could feel the vibrations of magic moving in the air all around him.
When he looked back round, Morgana was gone.
After a little while of trying to enjoy the festivities and trying to ignore the cold lump forming in the pit of his stomach (and failing at both), Merlin suddenly realised that Gwen hadn't come back yet. Each time Merlin glanced around he realised once again that he couldn't see her and his worry grew.
Looking to Arthur, Merlin saw that he was playfully punching somebody on the arm. From what he could see from a distance and in the light of the blazing bonfires, Arthur's eyes were lit up. But Merlin wasn't sure just how much of that was owed to the ale and mead which had been passed around since sunset.
Under the cover of darkness he slipped away, looking back over his shoulder at Arthur one more time. Arthur's head was thrown back and he was laughing. Over the sound of music and general chatter, Merlin could only just hear it. And he could also pick up the sad edge it held which made him want to turn on his heels, go to Arthur's side, reach out and brush his fingers against the back of his hand or squeeze lightly at his wrist, letting him know someone was still there for him. Arthur was grinning and laughing and making out that things were fine. But Merlin looked at his eyes once more and knew they weren't. Arthur was in pain and Merlin ached knowing he would do anything to soothe that.
But he turned around instead and went in the direction of the kitchens, hoping he might find Gwen there. Perhaps she was just taking a break, he tried to reassure himself.
She wasn't in the kitchens, or anywhere between them and the courtyard. Merlin asked a few kitchen girls but they just shook their heads and told him they didn't know where she was.
After a little while of frantic searching and running around anywhere he could think of, Merlin rounded a corner and there she suddenly was. Gwen was stood on the battlements which looked out at Camelot's gate. Her face was gently lit by the faint glow of bonfire flames from other celebrations taking place around Camelot and the light breeze made the tendrils of her hair sway ever so slightly around her face.
"Gwen," Merlin gasped her name in exhausted relief. When she turned, Merlin could see her red puffy eyes and the tear streaks which ran down her face.
"Oh, Merlin," she sniffed softly, wiping her nose on her sleeve. "Sorry, I must have made you worry if you came to find me."
"It's okay," Merlin said, stepping close to her. When Gwen looked towards Camelot's gates he did too. But, aside from the guards standing on duty there, nobody was coming in and nobody was going out. "What happened?"
Gwen shook her head, but Merlin saw how she bit her bottom lip and how her eyes began to fill with tears.
"Morgana came," Gwen said, her voice small and strained. A pained whine came from somewhere in the back of her throat and she screwed her eyes up tightly, hunched her shoulders up and pushed her sleeves against her face.
"She said she was leaving again," Gwen managed to continue, peering back over her hands towards Camelot's gates. Hoping to catch a glance of Morgana, Merlin suddenly realised. "She doesn't know when she'll be back."
"But she will be back," Merlin tried to comfort her, reaching out and squeezing her shoulder. "She cares for you so much, Gwen. If there's one reason to for her to come back to Camelot, it will be because you're here."
"I wish I could go with her," Gwen sniffed. "But what use would I be?"
"Oh, Gwen." Pain spiked through Merlin's heart as he pulled her into a hug, somewhat awkwardly and her elbow ended up digging into his stomach at first. But she managed to turn in his hold, bury her head into his shoulder and grip tightly at his arms. Merlin held her for a while as she sobbed with loss. He bit his bottom lip hard himself and felt guilt slowly crushing down upon him.
"What's that?" Gwen suddenly asked, her voice soft but puzzled.
Merlin looked over his shoulder. "What?"
"Up there," Gwen eased out of his arms to point towards the castle. "Look, in the window."
Merlin followed her gesture and, sure enough, there in a window was the soft glow of what appeared to be candlelight. Usually it wouldn't be an odd sight. But it was Samhain night, so the only flames lit should be those of the bonfires.
"That's Uther's window, isn't it?" Merlin asked, frowning up at the small light.
"Yes," Gwen nodded. "Who do you think it is?"
"I don't know," Merlin shook his head but felt something uncomfortable and heavy start to settle in his stomach. "But I think I have an idea. Come on, come with me."
He took Gwen's hand before she had any chance to argue. And Gwen went with him without any resistance, though she did take one last long glance over her shoulder at Camelot's gates before they rounded a corner and lost sight of it.
As the celebrations were in full swing, the castle was eerily empty, with only a guard or two passing every now and again. And when Merlin and Gwen heard their heavy footsteps coming they slowed their pace, appearing to only be in passing, which must have worked because nobody stopped them.
When they reached the doors to the king's chambers, which hadn't been opened since Uther's body had been carried from it, there was a lump in Merlin's throat, a squeeze in his stomach and he was nervous. He was breathing heavily, partly through nerves but mostly, he hoped, from the hurry in coming to the door. Gwen stood close at his side, also breathing heavily and looking at where Merlin had one hand on the door with nervousness and a bit of impatience.
Merlin's eyebrows dipped down and he opened the door slowly. The heavy wood creaked lightly on its old hinges and the noise seemed to echo loudly down the hallways. As he pulled the door further and further open, he found himself holding his breath and his shoulders tensed. He felt Gwen grip tightly at his jacket. They had no idea what was on the other side of that door and in the dead king's chambers.
The room was completely dark apart from the soft light of a single lit candle, so it took a moment for Merlin's eyes to adjust to the dim view. But once it did he felt his shoulders slump as he realised there was no danger. But the knot in his stomach tightened.
"Arthur."
At the sound of his name being spoken, Arthur looked up from where he was slumped in a chair by the windowsill and the candle which sat upon it. His eyes were bleary and he frowned and blinked before squinting through the darkness.
Still with Gwen close, Merlin stepped into the room so Arthur might see them a little better. Which he appeared to.
"Ah, Merlin," Arthur said with a lop-sided smile. His voice was heavy and slurred and when Merlin glanced down he saw a skin of ale dangling from Arthur's fingers. "Where'd you go? You always disappear."
"Oh, you know, just around," Merlin said, glancing quickly over to Gwen, who looked just as concerned as he felt. Then he looked back to Arthur. "What are you doing here?"
"Got tired of their talking," Arthur sighed heavily and slumped down even further in his chair, looking miserably back to the candle. "Always ‘bout the same old thing."
"Shall I get you some water?" Gwen asked, stepping forward a little bit and fiddling with the cuffs of her sleeves. She was eyeing Arthur, the drink in his hand and the candle on the windowsill warily. And also with some pity.
"Got this," Arthur said simply, holding up the skin and shaking it. Liquid was heard sloshing about inside, but it didn't sound like very much. "Don' worry."
"I'll get some," Gwen said quietly to Merlin before she turned with a swish of her skirts to hurry out of the room and towards the kitchens. Squinting through the darkness again, Arthur watched her go, frowning slightly and then went back to gazing the tiny flickering candlelight.
The air in the king's chambers hung thickly around Merlin. He knew why people might light candles on the night of Samhain. The night where the veil between the world of the living and the world of the dead became thinner.
"Come on," Merlin said, crossing the room to take Arthur by the arm and tug lightly, trying to get him to move by himself. "Look, you're tired. You should retire to bed."
"'m not tired," Arthur grumbled, very much like a small child might and Merlin almost found himself smiling at that. Had he not known why Arthur lit the candle in the first place. "Jus…"
Arthur trailed off, gazing out of the window through the candlelight once more.
"Just?" Merlin promoted, knowing what Arthur was going to say but hoping he wouldn't.
"Jus' waiting," Arthur finished, his voice heavy. His eyelids started to droop, but he groaned and shifted, trying to force himself into an uncomfortable position so he might stay awake.
"Come on," Merlin sighed heavily and began to pull at Arthur's shoulders, hauling him up into a sitting position. There was a soft thud as the skin of ale slipped from Arthur's fingers and onto the floor. Arthur grunted lightly and flexed his fingers, but his eyes were unfocused, having drunk most of the alcohol within the skin already, so Merlin guessed he might forget about it in a moment or so. "You need to sleep now, Arthur."
"Nah, suppose I better go back ou'side," Arthur frowned, looking displeased at the thought as he tried to push himself up off the chair. "Entertain."
"The celebration will run its course and burn out in its own time," Merlin said, managing to help haul Arthur to his feet and pulling his arm around his shoulders. "You should rest. Besides, they've probably all decided that you've gone off for the night," he tried to add in with a forced smile. "Especially if they realise that Gwen has gone as well."
"Oh, Merlin, shut up!" Arthur snapped and Merlin smelt the alcohol on his breath while he was glared at. "I've jus' had this all evening from that lot! I don' want it from you as well."
"Sorry," Merlin said, trying to start them moving along. Which they did, very slowly. "I wasn't… it's just, well, you and Gwen-"
"Are you deaf or just an idiot?" Arthur interrupted again. "I've just spent a whole evening with everyone telling me about what a great man my father was. Like they're expecting me to jus' pick up where he left off. But how am I supposed to do that? I can't even fall in love with the people I'm meant to."
"Once you are king," Merlin started trying to reassure him, "the barriers that keep you apart needn't be anymore."
"Stop talking, Merlin," Arthur sighed heavily, hanging his head so low his entire body started to slump down. "Don't speak of things you don't understand."
They had managed to stumble only as far as Uther's bed and, with a sigh, that was where Merlin decided they should stop. Arthur was beginning to slowly flop down, like he would fall asleep at any second, and Merlin was starting to struggle to keep him up. So he managed to haul Arthur over to the bed and awkwardly toppled him onto it. As soon as Arthur hit the covers, he screwed his eyes up and curled into a ball while Merlin tried to arrange some of the covers around him. In the end he had to settle for Arthur lying on one half of the covers and draping the other half over him to keep him warm for the night.
But Arthur seemed to have settled as soon as he was down and was practically curled up underneath the covers. The top of his head from the bride of his nose poked out, exposing eyes which were tired even when closed. And red, Merlin suddenly realised, like Arthur had been rubbing them a lot. There was still the ghost of a frown upon his face and his hair was messy across his forehead.
He would have a monster of a hangover come morning, Merlin realised with some dread.
He looked over to the windowsill where the candle still sat with thin trails of wax falling down its sides. He really should blow it out, Merlin thought. But at that very moment came Arthur's quiet mutter.
"Leave it, Merlin."
Merlin looked to Arthur and his heart sank. Arthur had pulled some of the covers back to expose his face, which was crumpled and looked absolutely miserable, even as he fought to keep his eyes open. He gazed past Merlin at the candle with an expression which looked a little bit hopeful and hugely desperate.
A painful lump formed in Merlin's throat as he shook his head. "He's not coming back."
"Leave it," Arthur repeated, his voice lowered and Merlin barely heard it.
At that moment there was a soft knock on the door before it opened just enough for Gwen to slip inside the room.
"I wondered if you might still be in here," she said gently as she brought over a tray which carried a cup and a jug of water. Her eyes went to Arthur, curled up upon Uther's bed. "Are you going to stay here?"
"Might as well," Merlin said, looking over to Arthur as well. He was refusing to look at either of them, just gazing beyond Merlin at the candle still alight on the windowsill, his eyelids slowly drooping down. Merlin looked back at Gwen and tried to give her a reassuring smile. "It can't hurt just for tonight."
"No, I suppose not," Gwen nodded and settled the tray down upon the chair beside the bed, which Arthur had spent hours sat upon to be at the side of his dying father. "Is there anything else you think you'll need?"
"Should be fine," Merlin said. "Do you want me to come back with you?"
"Oh, no, I'll be okay," Gwen smiled. "The girls will be wondering where I am. They'll be watching me like a hawk once I get back. Thank you, though."
"Any time," Merlin returned her warm smile and Gwen slipped back out of the room, closing the door behind her as quietly as she was able to.
Merlin looked back down to Arthur to find that his eyes were closed and his breathing seemed to be heavier. So he must have fallen asleep, with his fringe still mussed over his forehead and his mouth open. His boots and jacket were still on but Merlin just didn't have the heart to try removing them and risk waking him. Whenever Arthur woke up now he would have a monstrous headache and mood to match, which Merlin wanted to delay as much as possible.
Looking behind him at the candle, Merlin also found that he didn't have the heart to blow it out. Even after all the alcohol Arthur had consumed over the evening, Merlin wasn't sure what had made him think that such a tradition might bare such a result as to bring Uther back.
But, Merlin realised with a pang to his heart, he knew what it was like to lose a father. He'd probably do the same thing.
It began to hit Merlin just how tired he was as well. With all the festival celebrations, the brief visit from Morgana and now this, he was exhausted. So he toed off his boots and lay down on the bed beside Arthur. As long as he was up and off the bed by the time Arthur awoke, nothing would come of it, Merlin reasoned with himself.
And he was far too tired to torture himself with thoughts of falling asleep next to Arthur and all the things it really meant to him. Because as soon as his head touched the pillows his eyes had closed and he too was fast asleep.
-------
When Merlin began to wake it was reluctantly. As he slowly slipped back into consciousness his head thudded and his eyelids felt heavy. While he would be more than happy to just keep his eyes closed and fall asleep again, Merlin also realised that he was waking now and so more sleep probably wasn't going to happen. Though he felt like he had barely slept at all.
He opened his eyes slowly and sunlight streaming in through the window began to give him a headache. Then, with a sudden kick to his senses, Merlin realised that he was not in his own small bedroom at the back of Gaius' quarters. The amount of floor space between himself and the window was far too large. And those were not his curtains which were not drawn, letting in the daylight of what appeared to be mid-morning.
Merlin shifted himself up just enough to raise himself a little and lean most of his weight upon his elbow. Between trying to rub the sleep from his eyes, he looked around at the unfamiliar room. The cupboard on the far side, the large door, the drapes around the bed. It certainly wasn't his room and it didn't look like Arthur's either.
Then Merlin woke up a little more and realised that he was lying on the bed of the king's chambers.
It all started to come back to Merlin at that moment. The Samhain celebrations, Morgana and finding Arthur with a lit candle in his father's bedroom, desperate in his fear of the crushing responsibility which was suddenly piled upon his shoulders.
Just as his thoughts turned to Arthur, Merlin heard a light groan from beside him. During the night Arthur had curled into a ball and gone almost completely under the covers, so Merlin hadn't noticed him at first while his mind was still hazy and confused. But now Arthur groaned lightly in his sleep and shifted, a little closer to Merlin until his nose was pressing against his chest, then he seemed to settle again.
In his sleep Arthur looked peaceful, Merlin realised. The weight of his burden couldn't follow him into his dreams, so his eyebrows were raised and his lips were parted ever so slightly as he slept. But the amount of ale he had consumed the previous night had also taken its toll. Arthur's eyes were red and swollen and there were dark shadows underneath. His hair was still messy and Merlin thought Arthur looked a little paler than he usually did.
Arthur would have a killer hangover when he finally woke up, Merlin remembered as he spotted the jug of water Gwen had left still sitting ready on the chair beside the bed.
The coronation was in a week.
Almost as though he could read Merlin's sudden thoughts, Arthur groaned again and his eyebrows briefly dropped down into a frown. He pushed himself as close as he could against Merlin, curling himself up against his chest and Merlin felt Arthur trying to reach out for him through the covers.
"Arthur."
Merlin found himself drawing closer to Arthur as he softly spoke his name. Not loud enough to wake him but perhaps, Merlin hoped, it might seep down into his dreams and soothe him. With that thought in mind, Merlin reached out and drew Arthur up right against him and settled one hand in his hair, because it seemed the best way to settle him. His mother had often done so.
It would be fine, Merlin told himself as he felt Arthur's warm breath against his neck, still with a slight whiff of ale to it. Somehow Arthur managed to get one arm out from underneath the covers and clutched lightly at Merlin's jacket. As long as Merlin moved away before Arthur woke up, it would probably be fine. Arthur need never know. Merlin just wanted that one moment.
And then spend the rest of his life watching Arthur grow into a great king which he had spent one stolen moment with and never could again.
It hurt to even begin thinking about it, so much Merlin knew he wouldn't be able to bear it if he pondered on it for too long.
So, still tired, he closed his eyes and tried to settle back down to sleep for a few more moments.
But what time was it? There would be people searching for Arthur sooner or later.
Merlin focused his thoughts and felt the warm rush of magic in his body, like a burst of fire which didn't hurt. He heard the soft click of the doors locking.
Merlin glanced back to the window and noticed that during the night the candle had burnt down and gone out.
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Merlin only slept for a little while longer, lightly dozing at best, before he realised that he'd feel horrible for the rest of the day anyway and decided he really should get up. And practically as soon as he got up from the bed, Arthur groaned and shifted. He cracked open his eyes and then winced.
"Oh god," he groaned, curling into a ball and clutching at his head. "What was in that ale?"
"The usual," Merlin said, taking the cup and pouring into it some of the water which Gwen had brought up. "You just drank too much of it."
"Well it is a festival," Arthur grumbled. "That is sort of the idea."
"Doesn't sound like much of a party to me," Merlin shook his head, handing Arthur the cup of water. Arthur took a tentative sip. "Especially if you wake up like that."
"I feel like something small and hairy crawled out of the sewage and died in my mouth," Arthur said, then cast a suspicious look at Merlin. "You didn't drink too much as well, did you?"
"Me? Oh no, I… wait, are you accusing me of getting a rat from the sewer and placing it in your mouth while you were asleep?"
"Wouldn't put it past you."
"Well I didn't!" Merlin cried without thinking.
"Okay, okay," Arthur flinched at Merlin's raised voice, clutching at his fringe once again. "Just having a joke."
Merlin felt himself smile as Arthur took another sip of water and for a moment things felt like they might be okay again.
But then Arthur caught sight of the burnt down candle on the windowsill and told Merlin that he wanted to get back to his own chambers. Leaving the cloak and mask from the previous night behind, Merlin assisted Arthur back to his own room, where he then remained for the rest of the day, trying to sleep more and grumbling a lot about how large his headache was.
-------
There was now a week until Arthur would be crowned the official king of Camelot and that was what the castle began to focus on. Planning and preparations started right away, deciding on who should be present, what food and drink should be served during the celebration afterwards, who would have the duty of guard patrol, dusting off banners and fixing every bit of cloth and wall and jewel and throne which needed it and so much more.
After a day of being curled up in bed and groaning, Arthur once again threw himself into his work. And Merlin tried to remain at his side, support him and give advice where he felt he could.
He tried but found that he couldn't.
It seemed that, somehow, Arthur had suddenly changed, come to a decision that he didn't need Merlin and his support or even his presence. Instead he had started pushing him away. When Merlin tried to tell Arthur things he either found a way to disagree or flat-out ignored him. In fact, it suddenly dawned upon Merlin that Arthur was only speaking to him to give him orders. Arthur didn't talk to him when he arrived in the morning with breakfast or vent his frustrations with him in the evening. He didn't even make fun of Merlin for anything or pick at something wrong he might have done in his work. He just sent himself off on another task, some of which, Merlin felt, were only to keep him out of the way.
And Arthur seemed to be working harder than usual. From dawn until long after dusk, Merlin never saw him without sheets of paper in his hands or giving instructions to a knight or seeking council from various members of the court on a variety of subjects. He never let Merlin accompany him and just brushed past him in the hallways, as though he were suddenly nothing at all.
He didn't even look at Merlin anymore. He seemed to be making an effort to look anywhere except at Merlin.
Even while they were in the same room together, Merlin was starting to miss Arthur. Although Arthur was still there, Merlin found himself feeling so painfully lonely.
Part Two
Author: vicky_v
Rating: R
Word count: 12.5k
Warnings: Character death at the beginning, slight sexual content
Disclaimer: I own nothing in connection with BBC's Merlin and receive absolutely no money through this fanwork which is for entertainment purposes only.
Summary/prompt: It is inevitable that things will change. But some changes aren't as easy as others, as Merlin finds.
Notes: For ravenflight21. Includes Arthur's coronation but sadly I fail at UST. Hope you at least enjoy it a little bit. ♥ References a quote from 3x06.
It was during the weeks after the passing of Uther when it happened.
In a way, it was like nature's cruel joke. As the days began to shorten and the air grew colder and whispers began to go around of the veil between life and death thinning, King Uther Pendragon drew his last breath, just as the leaves began to become tinged with brown around the edges. The illness had been long and stretched over most of the summer but his passing hadn't been entirely cruel, as far as Gaius could tell. The King had gone in his sleep.
The kingdom mourned, but life had to go on. Though he wouldn't be officially crowned for a few weeks, Arthur took over his father's duties in ordering the various guard patrols and overseeing the preparations for the Samhain celebration. The time seemed to pass in a blur where Arthur was always on his feet, going from one end of the castle to the other, searching for knights to take charge of a guard patrol or a training session, and sometimes he went down into the lower towns himself to settle a dispute. Arthur went to bed late and rose again early in the morning and Merlin wasn't sure if he slept very much at all during those few hours he had to himself. Because whenever he saw Arthur his face was pale and the shadows under his eyes were dark and sometimes his eyes seemed somewhat swollen, like he'd been rubbing at them.
Arthur's temper shortened drastically. When he spoke, Merlin could often hear the strain of irritation in his voice as he tried to remain calm and collected enough to make sensible decisions. Then when night fell and Arthur retired to his chambers he would finally unleash all the pent-up frustration which had been gathering during the day, shouting in a rage and pacing the floor like a caged animal while Merlin saw to a few duties around the room. Sometimes Arthur ripped his sword away from its sheath and struck at the wall with it and sometimes he would grab whatever first came to hand, often a cup or a dish, to hurl it across the room. But still Merlin remained there while Arthur raged and ranted at him until he was snapped at to leave.
"I don't know what to do," Merlin told Gaius one night as he sat with his head in his hands. "Arthur talks about everything else except Uther and I know that's what's really upsetting him. But I'm not sure if I dare bring it up."
"Give it time," Gaius advised him with a heavy voice and a pat to Merlin's back. "Just stay with him. He'll thank you for being there one day."
As far as Merlin was concerned, that went without saying. Day after day he rose early, often before dawn now that the days were growing shorter, in order to go to the kitchens and fetch Arthur his breakfast before going to him. Sometimes Arthur didn't eat any of it, claiming he wasn't hungry and had things which needed to be done. But recently he had at least been taking a bit of fruit out with him after seeing the looks of worry Merlin gave when the food was rejected. Through the day Merlin remained at Arthur's side as often as he was able to, watching how he did things and the organisation which was going into both the Samhain festival and Arthur's coronation, which was to follow soon afterwards. Sometimes Merlin tried to slip in his own advice which Arthur would occasionally consider. Then he would follow Arthur back to his chambers and listen to the soft sighs of relief as he eased his jacket from his shoulders and slumped down in his chair to pick at the dinner Merlin brought him. As usual, Merlin would remain and listen to Arthur grumble about all the things which had gone wrong, how everything seemed to be a mess and that with the way things were going they wouldn't even have things done by the time the next Beltane come, never mind for Samhain itself. While he listened, Merlin polished Arthur's boots and made sure his armour was ready and that his bed was made before Arthur finally retreated to it, often in just a pair of slacks and a thin shirt. Summer was ending but the nights were still warm enough.
As Arthur dismissed Merlin for the night, he turned away so Merlin could only see his back and not know whether he was falling asleep or lying there with his eyes wide open. But Merlin never asked. He just blew out the last candles, always with his gaze upon Arthur's back and the hair upon the nape of his neck and the way his shoulders ever so slightly moved along with his breathing.
When Merlin closed Arthur's door behind him, his throat would be dry.
Then suddenly it all came together and the day of the Samhain festival was upon them. In the lower town decorations had been crafted and hung with pride on doors, walls and archways. A large bonfire stood ready for the evening in the middle of town and until then wooden instruments were played, warming up for the celebration which would occur at night, and the aroma of baking goods wafted from many windows. Banners were being hung up by many of the town's women while the men made their final decisions in which of the livestock would be spared for another year and which ones would be slaughtered to see Camelot through another winter. Some children ran around in wooden masks and old capes, pretending to be the spirits of the dead, while others carved funny faces into turnips, which, their mothers told them, would ward off any harmful spirits who might break through that night.
The castle itself was to have the usual celebration of its own bonfire festival in the courtyard, where it was custom to wear cloaks and a mask. By the time it was dark, the flames of two large bonfires were blazing tall and merry in the courtyard and the air was filled with chatter and pleasantries and soft music playing. The heavy cloud of gloom which had hung over Camelot since the announcement of Uther's passing seemed to have lifted and people were finally beginning to enjoy themselves again. Even Arthur, Merlin observed, seemed much more relaxed. Arthur even took part in passing between both bonfires, though Merlin watched carefully, focusing his magic and reaching out with it to keep the flames from licking too close against Arthur's body.
Merlin continued to keep a watchful eye on Arthur throughout the evening, for he knew Arthur had barely slept at all the previous night and had been running around for most of the day. He'd been seeing to the last minute preparations and trying to sort out all the things which had suddenly gone wrong and then panicking because he suddenly realised he had forgotten to organise any guard patrols in the lower town, only to be assured that Leon had already seen to it.
To Arthur's credit, he was doing well in taking on the duties which had so suddenly been thrust upon his shoulders and Merlin couldn't help but feel proud of him for that. But amongst all the stress the work created Arthur seemed to have started pushing Merlin away, giving him extra duties, some of which appeared to be just to keep him working, and beginning to ignore more and more of his suggestions. While Merlin understood that the situation Arthur had suddenly found him in wasn't easy, the realisation that he was starting to be pushed away still hurt.
Then he heard a quiet voice speak his name from just behind his right shoulder. He turned to see a woman wearing a red cloak with the hood pulled up over her head. Her face was covered by a simple crimson mask which had no decoration. As Merlin met her green eyes they briefly flashed with gold, leaving him with no doubt of who he was talking to.
"Morgana." He spoke her name quietly and felt his words almost catch in his throat. His shoulders tensed and he glanced nervously around but nobody seemed to be paying any attention to them.
That was because they couldn't, Merlin realised. There was magic in the air, hanging thick and heavy around them, like a curtain. It was magic which didn't make them invisible but made sure nobody really noticed them, pushing the pair of magic-users to the very corners of their vision where they would go unnoticed.
"Don't worry, I'm not here to cause trouble this time," Morgana said as she noticed Merlin's nervous looks. "I don't wish Arthur any trouble. My argument was never with him. Who would have thought," she went on, casting a brief glance over towards the celebrations, "all those years and plans and it turns out I could have just let nature take care of Uther for me."
"I still don't think you completely mean that," Merlin said softly, shaking his head. "Not after all he did for you."
Morgana seemed to consider this but gave no response. Instead she simply told him; "I'm leaving for a while."
Merlin felt something cold and heavy plunge into his stomach. "Again?"
"Of my own accord this time," Morgana said, looking back to him. "Some of Algain's druid group have come back together, so I'm going with them for a while. They'll actually be able to help me, I'm sure of that."
"When will you come back?" Merlin asked. He would miss her, he suddenly realised, and terribly so. His chest clenched and once again he wished more than anything that magic existed which would allow him to turn back time and do some things differently.
"I don't know," Morgana sadly shook his head as she cast another look over towards Arthur, just as he bit into a last bit of meat and cast the bone into one of the bonfires. "Lots of things are going to change in Camelot, but I don't know exactly how. But I'll know when it's the right time to come back."
"We'll miss you," was all Merlin could think of to say.
"Look out for Gwen for me," Morgana said with a small smile. "And take care of Arthur as well. He can't even put on his socks without you there to help him, so I dread to think what would happen if he tried to run a kingdom all by himself."
Merlin laughed, Morgana's eyes lit up as she chuckled and for a moment it was just like old times again. Then she stood up on her toes to kiss him on the chin, for below the nose was the only part of Merlin's face which wasn't covered by his mask.
Then Merlin found his gaze going back out to the Samhain celebration in the courtyard, towards the small group of men to the side who were playing wind instruments and the servants who were hurrying around with plates of meat and trays of mead. He saw a few of the unlucky guards who needed to be on duty that night dotted around, though most of them would be keeping order in the lower town. Merlin saw the long cloaks and elaborate masks which people wore, though people were often able to guess who everybody was once they got talking. Gwen was serving that night and was wearing late summer flowers in her hair. Merlin caught her eye and she smiled as she carried away a tray of empty tankards towards the kitchens. But looking over to her felt somehow forced. As though his vision were being pushed that way. Merlin could feel the vibrations of magic moving in the air all around him.
When he looked back round, Morgana was gone.
After a little while of trying to enjoy the festivities and trying to ignore the cold lump forming in the pit of his stomach (and failing at both), Merlin suddenly realised that Gwen hadn't come back yet. Each time Merlin glanced around he realised once again that he couldn't see her and his worry grew.
Looking to Arthur, Merlin saw that he was playfully punching somebody on the arm. From what he could see from a distance and in the light of the blazing bonfires, Arthur's eyes were lit up. But Merlin wasn't sure just how much of that was owed to the ale and mead which had been passed around since sunset.
Under the cover of darkness he slipped away, looking back over his shoulder at Arthur one more time. Arthur's head was thrown back and he was laughing. Over the sound of music and general chatter, Merlin could only just hear it. And he could also pick up the sad edge it held which made him want to turn on his heels, go to Arthur's side, reach out and brush his fingers against the back of his hand or squeeze lightly at his wrist, letting him know someone was still there for him. Arthur was grinning and laughing and making out that things were fine. But Merlin looked at his eyes once more and knew they weren't. Arthur was in pain and Merlin ached knowing he would do anything to soothe that.
But he turned around instead and went in the direction of the kitchens, hoping he might find Gwen there. Perhaps she was just taking a break, he tried to reassure himself.
She wasn't in the kitchens, or anywhere between them and the courtyard. Merlin asked a few kitchen girls but they just shook their heads and told him they didn't know where she was.
After a little while of frantic searching and running around anywhere he could think of, Merlin rounded a corner and there she suddenly was. Gwen was stood on the battlements which looked out at Camelot's gate. Her face was gently lit by the faint glow of bonfire flames from other celebrations taking place around Camelot and the light breeze made the tendrils of her hair sway ever so slightly around her face.
"Gwen," Merlin gasped her name in exhausted relief. When she turned, Merlin could see her red puffy eyes and the tear streaks which ran down her face.
"Oh, Merlin," she sniffed softly, wiping her nose on her sleeve. "Sorry, I must have made you worry if you came to find me."
"It's okay," Merlin said, stepping close to her. When Gwen looked towards Camelot's gates he did too. But, aside from the guards standing on duty there, nobody was coming in and nobody was going out. "What happened?"
Gwen shook her head, but Merlin saw how she bit her bottom lip and how her eyes began to fill with tears.
"Morgana came," Gwen said, her voice small and strained. A pained whine came from somewhere in the back of her throat and she screwed her eyes up tightly, hunched her shoulders up and pushed her sleeves against her face.
"She said she was leaving again," Gwen managed to continue, peering back over her hands towards Camelot's gates. Hoping to catch a glance of Morgana, Merlin suddenly realised. "She doesn't know when she'll be back."
"But she will be back," Merlin tried to comfort her, reaching out and squeezing her shoulder. "She cares for you so much, Gwen. If there's one reason to for her to come back to Camelot, it will be because you're here."
"I wish I could go with her," Gwen sniffed. "But what use would I be?"
"Oh, Gwen." Pain spiked through Merlin's heart as he pulled her into a hug, somewhat awkwardly and her elbow ended up digging into his stomach at first. But she managed to turn in his hold, bury her head into his shoulder and grip tightly at his arms. Merlin held her for a while as she sobbed with loss. He bit his bottom lip hard himself and felt guilt slowly crushing down upon him.
"What's that?" Gwen suddenly asked, her voice soft but puzzled.
Merlin looked over his shoulder. "What?"
"Up there," Gwen eased out of his arms to point towards the castle. "Look, in the window."
Merlin followed her gesture and, sure enough, there in a window was the soft glow of what appeared to be candlelight. Usually it wouldn't be an odd sight. But it was Samhain night, so the only flames lit should be those of the bonfires.
"That's Uther's window, isn't it?" Merlin asked, frowning up at the small light.
"Yes," Gwen nodded. "Who do you think it is?"
"I don't know," Merlin shook his head but felt something uncomfortable and heavy start to settle in his stomach. "But I think I have an idea. Come on, come with me."
He took Gwen's hand before she had any chance to argue. And Gwen went with him without any resistance, though she did take one last long glance over her shoulder at Camelot's gates before they rounded a corner and lost sight of it.
As the celebrations were in full swing, the castle was eerily empty, with only a guard or two passing every now and again. And when Merlin and Gwen heard their heavy footsteps coming they slowed their pace, appearing to only be in passing, which must have worked because nobody stopped them.
When they reached the doors to the king's chambers, which hadn't been opened since Uther's body had been carried from it, there was a lump in Merlin's throat, a squeeze in his stomach and he was nervous. He was breathing heavily, partly through nerves but mostly, he hoped, from the hurry in coming to the door. Gwen stood close at his side, also breathing heavily and looking at where Merlin had one hand on the door with nervousness and a bit of impatience.
Merlin's eyebrows dipped down and he opened the door slowly. The heavy wood creaked lightly on its old hinges and the noise seemed to echo loudly down the hallways. As he pulled the door further and further open, he found himself holding his breath and his shoulders tensed. He felt Gwen grip tightly at his jacket. They had no idea what was on the other side of that door and in the dead king's chambers.
The room was completely dark apart from the soft light of a single lit candle, so it took a moment for Merlin's eyes to adjust to the dim view. But once it did he felt his shoulders slump as he realised there was no danger. But the knot in his stomach tightened.
"Arthur."
At the sound of his name being spoken, Arthur looked up from where he was slumped in a chair by the windowsill and the candle which sat upon it. His eyes were bleary and he frowned and blinked before squinting through the darkness.
Still with Gwen close, Merlin stepped into the room so Arthur might see them a little better. Which he appeared to.
"Ah, Merlin," Arthur said with a lop-sided smile. His voice was heavy and slurred and when Merlin glanced down he saw a skin of ale dangling from Arthur's fingers. "Where'd you go? You always disappear."
"Oh, you know, just around," Merlin said, glancing quickly over to Gwen, who looked just as concerned as he felt. Then he looked back to Arthur. "What are you doing here?"
"Got tired of their talking," Arthur sighed heavily and slumped down even further in his chair, looking miserably back to the candle. "Always ‘bout the same old thing."
"Shall I get you some water?" Gwen asked, stepping forward a little bit and fiddling with the cuffs of her sleeves. She was eyeing Arthur, the drink in his hand and the candle on the windowsill warily. And also with some pity.
"Got this," Arthur said simply, holding up the skin and shaking it. Liquid was heard sloshing about inside, but it didn't sound like very much. "Don' worry."
"I'll get some," Gwen said quietly to Merlin before she turned with a swish of her skirts to hurry out of the room and towards the kitchens. Squinting through the darkness again, Arthur watched her go, frowning slightly and then went back to gazing the tiny flickering candlelight.
The air in the king's chambers hung thickly around Merlin. He knew why people might light candles on the night of Samhain. The night where the veil between the world of the living and the world of the dead became thinner.
"Come on," Merlin said, crossing the room to take Arthur by the arm and tug lightly, trying to get him to move by himself. "Look, you're tired. You should retire to bed."
"'m not tired," Arthur grumbled, very much like a small child might and Merlin almost found himself smiling at that. Had he not known why Arthur lit the candle in the first place. "Jus…"
Arthur trailed off, gazing out of the window through the candlelight once more.
"Just?" Merlin promoted, knowing what Arthur was going to say but hoping he wouldn't.
"Jus' waiting," Arthur finished, his voice heavy. His eyelids started to droop, but he groaned and shifted, trying to force himself into an uncomfortable position so he might stay awake.
"Come on," Merlin sighed heavily and began to pull at Arthur's shoulders, hauling him up into a sitting position. There was a soft thud as the skin of ale slipped from Arthur's fingers and onto the floor. Arthur grunted lightly and flexed his fingers, but his eyes were unfocused, having drunk most of the alcohol within the skin already, so Merlin guessed he might forget about it in a moment or so. "You need to sleep now, Arthur."
"Nah, suppose I better go back ou'side," Arthur frowned, looking displeased at the thought as he tried to push himself up off the chair. "Entertain."
"The celebration will run its course and burn out in its own time," Merlin said, managing to help haul Arthur to his feet and pulling his arm around his shoulders. "You should rest. Besides, they've probably all decided that you've gone off for the night," he tried to add in with a forced smile. "Especially if they realise that Gwen has gone as well."
"Oh, Merlin, shut up!" Arthur snapped and Merlin smelt the alcohol on his breath while he was glared at. "I've jus' had this all evening from that lot! I don' want it from you as well."
"Sorry," Merlin said, trying to start them moving along. Which they did, very slowly. "I wasn't… it's just, well, you and Gwen-"
"Are you deaf or just an idiot?" Arthur interrupted again. "I've just spent a whole evening with everyone telling me about what a great man my father was. Like they're expecting me to jus' pick up where he left off. But how am I supposed to do that? I can't even fall in love with the people I'm meant to."
"Once you are king," Merlin started trying to reassure him, "the barriers that keep you apart needn't be anymore."
"Stop talking, Merlin," Arthur sighed heavily, hanging his head so low his entire body started to slump down. "Don't speak of things you don't understand."
They had managed to stumble only as far as Uther's bed and, with a sigh, that was where Merlin decided they should stop. Arthur was beginning to slowly flop down, like he would fall asleep at any second, and Merlin was starting to struggle to keep him up. So he managed to haul Arthur over to the bed and awkwardly toppled him onto it. As soon as Arthur hit the covers, he screwed his eyes up and curled into a ball while Merlin tried to arrange some of the covers around him. In the end he had to settle for Arthur lying on one half of the covers and draping the other half over him to keep him warm for the night.
But Arthur seemed to have settled as soon as he was down and was practically curled up underneath the covers. The top of his head from the bride of his nose poked out, exposing eyes which were tired even when closed. And red, Merlin suddenly realised, like Arthur had been rubbing them a lot. There was still the ghost of a frown upon his face and his hair was messy across his forehead.
He would have a monster of a hangover come morning, Merlin realised with some dread.
He looked over to the windowsill where the candle still sat with thin trails of wax falling down its sides. He really should blow it out, Merlin thought. But at that very moment came Arthur's quiet mutter.
"Leave it, Merlin."
Merlin looked to Arthur and his heart sank. Arthur had pulled some of the covers back to expose his face, which was crumpled and looked absolutely miserable, even as he fought to keep his eyes open. He gazed past Merlin at the candle with an expression which looked a little bit hopeful and hugely desperate.
A painful lump formed in Merlin's throat as he shook his head. "He's not coming back."
"Leave it," Arthur repeated, his voice lowered and Merlin barely heard it.
At that moment there was a soft knock on the door before it opened just enough for Gwen to slip inside the room.
"I wondered if you might still be in here," she said gently as she brought over a tray which carried a cup and a jug of water. Her eyes went to Arthur, curled up upon Uther's bed. "Are you going to stay here?"
"Might as well," Merlin said, looking over to Arthur as well. He was refusing to look at either of them, just gazing beyond Merlin at the candle still alight on the windowsill, his eyelids slowly drooping down. Merlin looked back at Gwen and tried to give her a reassuring smile. "It can't hurt just for tonight."
"No, I suppose not," Gwen nodded and settled the tray down upon the chair beside the bed, which Arthur had spent hours sat upon to be at the side of his dying father. "Is there anything else you think you'll need?"
"Should be fine," Merlin said. "Do you want me to come back with you?"
"Oh, no, I'll be okay," Gwen smiled. "The girls will be wondering where I am. They'll be watching me like a hawk once I get back. Thank you, though."
"Any time," Merlin returned her warm smile and Gwen slipped back out of the room, closing the door behind her as quietly as she was able to.
Merlin looked back down to Arthur to find that his eyes were closed and his breathing seemed to be heavier. So he must have fallen asleep, with his fringe still mussed over his forehead and his mouth open. His boots and jacket were still on but Merlin just didn't have the heart to try removing them and risk waking him. Whenever Arthur woke up now he would have a monstrous headache and mood to match, which Merlin wanted to delay as much as possible.
Looking behind him at the candle, Merlin also found that he didn't have the heart to blow it out. Even after all the alcohol Arthur had consumed over the evening, Merlin wasn't sure what had made him think that such a tradition might bare such a result as to bring Uther back.
But, Merlin realised with a pang to his heart, he knew what it was like to lose a father. He'd probably do the same thing.
It began to hit Merlin just how tired he was as well. With all the festival celebrations, the brief visit from Morgana and now this, he was exhausted. So he toed off his boots and lay down on the bed beside Arthur. As long as he was up and off the bed by the time Arthur awoke, nothing would come of it, Merlin reasoned with himself.
And he was far too tired to torture himself with thoughts of falling asleep next to Arthur and all the things it really meant to him. Because as soon as his head touched the pillows his eyes had closed and he too was fast asleep.
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When Merlin began to wake it was reluctantly. As he slowly slipped back into consciousness his head thudded and his eyelids felt heavy. While he would be more than happy to just keep his eyes closed and fall asleep again, Merlin also realised that he was waking now and so more sleep probably wasn't going to happen. Though he felt like he had barely slept at all.
He opened his eyes slowly and sunlight streaming in through the window began to give him a headache. Then, with a sudden kick to his senses, Merlin realised that he was not in his own small bedroom at the back of Gaius' quarters. The amount of floor space between himself and the window was far too large. And those were not his curtains which were not drawn, letting in the daylight of what appeared to be mid-morning.
Merlin shifted himself up just enough to raise himself a little and lean most of his weight upon his elbow. Between trying to rub the sleep from his eyes, he looked around at the unfamiliar room. The cupboard on the far side, the large door, the drapes around the bed. It certainly wasn't his room and it didn't look like Arthur's either.
Then Merlin woke up a little more and realised that he was lying on the bed of the king's chambers.
It all started to come back to Merlin at that moment. The Samhain celebrations, Morgana and finding Arthur with a lit candle in his father's bedroom, desperate in his fear of the crushing responsibility which was suddenly piled upon his shoulders.
Just as his thoughts turned to Arthur, Merlin heard a light groan from beside him. During the night Arthur had curled into a ball and gone almost completely under the covers, so Merlin hadn't noticed him at first while his mind was still hazy and confused. But now Arthur groaned lightly in his sleep and shifted, a little closer to Merlin until his nose was pressing against his chest, then he seemed to settle again.
In his sleep Arthur looked peaceful, Merlin realised. The weight of his burden couldn't follow him into his dreams, so his eyebrows were raised and his lips were parted ever so slightly as he slept. But the amount of ale he had consumed the previous night had also taken its toll. Arthur's eyes were red and swollen and there were dark shadows underneath. His hair was still messy and Merlin thought Arthur looked a little paler than he usually did.
Arthur would have a killer hangover when he finally woke up, Merlin remembered as he spotted the jug of water Gwen had left still sitting ready on the chair beside the bed.
The coronation was in a week.
Almost as though he could read Merlin's sudden thoughts, Arthur groaned again and his eyebrows briefly dropped down into a frown. He pushed himself as close as he could against Merlin, curling himself up against his chest and Merlin felt Arthur trying to reach out for him through the covers.
"Arthur."
Merlin found himself drawing closer to Arthur as he softly spoke his name. Not loud enough to wake him but perhaps, Merlin hoped, it might seep down into his dreams and soothe him. With that thought in mind, Merlin reached out and drew Arthur up right against him and settled one hand in his hair, because it seemed the best way to settle him. His mother had often done so.
It would be fine, Merlin told himself as he felt Arthur's warm breath against his neck, still with a slight whiff of ale to it. Somehow Arthur managed to get one arm out from underneath the covers and clutched lightly at Merlin's jacket. As long as Merlin moved away before Arthur woke up, it would probably be fine. Arthur need never know. Merlin just wanted that one moment.
And then spend the rest of his life watching Arthur grow into a great king which he had spent one stolen moment with and never could again.
It hurt to even begin thinking about it, so much Merlin knew he wouldn't be able to bear it if he pondered on it for too long.
So, still tired, he closed his eyes and tried to settle back down to sleep for a few more moments.
But what time was it? There would be people searching for Arthur sooner or later.
Merlin focused his thoughts and felt the warm rush of magic in his body, like a burst of fire which didn't hurt. He heard the soft click of the doors locking.
Merlin glanced back to the window and noticed that during the night the candle had burnt down and gone out.
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Merlin only slept for a little while longer, lightly dozing at best, before he realised that he'd feel horrible for the rest of the day anyway and decided he really should get up. And practically as soon as he got up from the bed, Arthur groaned and shifted. He cracked open his eyes and then winced.
"Oh god," he groaned, curling into a ball and clutching at his head. "What was in that ale?"
"The usual," Merlin said, taking the cup and pouring into it some of the water which Gwen had brought up. "You just drank too much of it."
"Well it is a festival," Arthur grumbled. "That is sort of the idea."
"Doesn't sound like much of a party to me," Merlin shook his head, handing Arthur the cup of water. Arthur took a tentative sip. "Especially if you wake up like that."
"I feel like something small and hairy crawled out of the sewage and died in my mouth," Arthur said, then cast a suspicious look at Merlin. "You didn't drink too much as well, did you?"
"Me? Oh no, I… wait, are you accusing me of getting a rat from the sewer and placing it in your mouth while you were asleep?"
"Wouldn't put it past you."
"Well I didn't!" Merlin cried without thinking.
"Okay, okay," Arthur flinched at Merlin's raised voice, clutching at his fringe once again. "Just having a joke."
Merlin felt himself smile as Arthur took another sip of water and for a moment things felt like they might be okay again.
But then Arthur caught sight of the burnt down candle on the windowsill and told Merlin that he wanted to get back to his own chambers. Leaving the cloak and mask from the previous night behind, Merlin assisted Arthur back to his own room, where he then remained for the rest of the day, trying to sleep more and grumbling a lot about how large his headache was.
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There was now a week until Arthur would be crowned the official king of Camelot and that was what the castle began to focus on. Planning and preparations started right away, deciding on who should be present, what food and drink should be served during the celebration afterwards, who would have the duty of guard patrol, dusting off banners and fixing every bit of cloth and wall and jewel and throne which needed it and so much more.
After a day of being curled up in bed and groaning, Arthur once again threw himself into his work. And Merlin tried to remain at his side, support him and give advice where he felt he could.
He tried but found that he couldn't.
It seemed that, somehow, Arthur had suddenly changed, come to a decision that he didn't need Merlin and his support or even his presence. Instead he had started pushing him away. When Merlin tried to tell Arthur things he either found a way to disagree or flat-out ignored him. In fact, it suddenly dawned upon Merlin that Arthur was only speaking to him to give him orders. Arthur didn't talk to him when he arrived in the morning with breakfast or vent his frustrations with him in the evening. He didn't even make fun of Merlin for anything or pick at something wrong he might have done in his work. He just sent himself off on another task, some of which, Merlin felt, were only to keep him out of the way.
And Arthur seemed to be working harder than usual. From dawn until long after dusk, Merlin never saw him without sheets of paper in his hands or giving instructions to a knight or seeking council from various members of the court on a variety of subjects. He never let Merlin accompany him and just brushed past him in the hallways, as though he were suddenly nothing at all.
He didn't even look at Merlin anymore. He seemed to be making an effort to look anywhere except at Merlin.
Even while they were in the same room together, Merlin was starting to miss Arthur. Although Arthur was still there, Merlin found himself feeling so painfully lonely.
Part Two