"Pimping post coming in. Patching it through."
In the year 2148, explorers on Mars discovered the remains of an ancient spacefaring civilization. In the decades that followed, these mysterious artifacts revealed startling new technologies, enabling travel to the furthest stars. The basis for this incredible technology was a force that controlled the very fabric of space and time. They called it the greatest discovery in human history.
The civilizations of the galaxy call it...
MASS EFFECT
SO. Are you a fan of Babylon 5, Battlestar Galactica, Firefly, or Farscape? Or hell, just about any piece of Sci-Fi that's come out in the last thirty years? You'll probably like Mass Effect. This sci-fi pastiche is Bioware's love letter to the space opera genre, with touches of everything from Douglas Adams to H.P. Lovecraft thrown in for good measure. It's a game where you can shoot deadly robots with big, overpowered guns, or skip out on guns altogether and use your space magic to throw minature black holes at them. If the idea of throwing minature black holes at robots doesn't appeal to you, I just don't know what to say. Maybe that the game features a richly detailed world with lots of intriguing backstory. Like the fact that the largest contribution that humanity makes to the galactic economy comes in the form of porn and cigarettes. Now that's a future I can believe in! The fact of the matter is that nearly every single character in these games is counselor-aged, but the holidays are upon us SO I figure I better pimp before the game goes on sale for cheap dollars on Steam. Or maybe you'll find them on sale on Black Friday, who knows.
Alrighty, let's effect some mass.
Mass Effect
trailer:
Click to viewThe year is 2183. It's been 26 years since the brief First Contact War which introduced humanity to the rest of the galaxy. Angling to get more political clout in the Citadel Council (the League of Nations ... IN SPACE!), the Earth Systems Alliance's ambassador pushes for Commander Shepard to be inducted as a member of the Special Tactics and Reconnaissance branch (SPECTRE). But everything goes horribly wrong when Shepard's evaluatory mission to recover ancient technology from Eden Prime is crashed by Saren Arterius, a turian Spectre with a grudge against humanity and an army of sentient AIs (the geth) by his side. Shepard has to expose Saren as a traitor, track him down through the most dangerous parts of the galaxy, and possibly worst of all: deal with politicians. Along the way the Commander will discover the horrifying secret behind the cycle of extinction in the galaxy, and the clock is ticking.
Characters:
"Humanity needs to do this."
Jane or John Shepard
Age: 29
Weirdly, Bioware went out of their way to render the default player character after a male model, while the default female character is quite average looking, which is unusual in a videogame. Or any form of media, really. I think it's a welcome change of pace. Plus, she has far superior voice work. And I've managed to scrounge up a stupid amount of default Jane Shep screencaps. So what I'm saying here is that I'm advocating FemShep supremacy (even if default maleshep is ~so dreamy~).
ANYHOW. Anyway you play Shepard, she's a military hardass who gets the job done. The Commander is somewhat bumbling when it comes to interacting with the other races, and will usually wind up shoving her foot down her mouth eventually, even if she means well. Shepard's most lethal weapons are her terrible dancing and inhuman tolerance to alchohol. Is incapable of keeping fish alive.
“We finally get out here and the 'final frontier' was already settled. And the residents don't even seem impressed by the view. Or the dangers.”
Kaiden Alenko
Age: 38 (as of 2185)
Kaiden is a biotic (read: space wizard) whose neural implant gives him extreme migranes. He's a pretty nice guy who endorses more cooperation between humans and alien species, because as he sees it humans and aliens are more alike than they are different ("they're jerks and saints, just like us"). He's probably the most level-headed member of Shepard's crew. Love interest for a female Shepard.
"I can't tell the aliens from the animals."
Ashley Williams (yes, like that Ashley Williams)
Age: 27 (as of 2185)
Ashley is a hardened soldier who is really, really good at shooting bad things with big guns. She comes from a military family, and loves daddy and Jesus. She's pretty badass and loves poetry. There's only the small issue about her being kinda really racist about aliens ("It's not racism! Not really!"). She draws the line at the xenophobic views of the Terra Firma party, however. And she shows some compassion for Liara and Tali. So, Ashely's cool, she's just problematic. Love interest for a male Shepard.
"It's good for you. A nice explosion every now and then keeps the mind sharp."
Urdnot Wrex
Age: Over 1,000.
Race: Krogan
Wrex is the best goddamn thing about the first game. His droll humor keeps things interesting, as do his stories about working as a merc. He's deeply concerned about the fate of his people, who are slowly dying from a genetic disease that prevents nearly all of them from breeding. After being betrayed by his father, he gave up hope for the future of the krogan, and fled his homeworld. However, if you spare his life in Mass Effect, he'll show up in Mass Effect 2, having gone home and deciding to make some changes in the krogan way of life, wether they like it or not.
“Our Pilgrimage proves we are willing to give of ourselves for the greater good. What does it say about me if I turn my back on this?”
Tali'Zorah nar Rayya / Tali'Zorah vas Neema / Tali'Zorah vas Normandy
Age: 24 debatable! The source for this is questionable
Race Quarian.
Tali discovered the evidence that proved Saren was a traitor. She then joined Shepard's team out of the desire to save all organic life from the geth. Her people created them, but they turned on them and were exiled from their home planet in the ensuing war. Now the quarians eke out their lives as wanderers in the Migrant Fleet. Tali is determined to educate people about the quarians, and perhaps someday take back her homeworld. Due to her experience in maintaining starships, she's a profoundly talented engineer. She's generally a sweet person, but don't get on her bad side. Potential love interest for a maleShep, but only in ME2.
App Tali and we can be the bestest of friends :V
"You were touched by working Prothean technology. That is why I find you so fascinating."
Dr. Liara T'Soni
Age: 108 ("barely more than a child")
Race: Asari
... I'm going to be brutally honest here. Mass Effect is made of pulpy sci-fi, and as such the writing isn't expected to be stellar. But when it comes to Liara, it's like she's less of a character and more of a singularity into which all the horrible, awkard, stilted, nonsensical writing collapses on itself. She's awkwardly inserted into the story, and she exists to give uneccessary exposition and serves only to tell you exactly one piece of information that apparently nobody else in the galaxy can look up on space JSTOR. She goes on to appear in a comic (Mass Effect: Redemption), Mass Effect 2, and the latest DLC, "The Lair of the Shadow Broker" and her character is horribly inconsistent aside from the singular trait of being really, really obsessed with Shepard.
Now! If you are clenching your fist and getting ready to write me a "FUCK YOU SHE'S AWESOME" essay, I encourage you to do just that. Except where the essay is an app for her. It's reverse psychology, you see.
Mass Effect 2
trailer:
The trailer sums it up nicely: collect party members, fight space bugs, try not to kill everyone in the process (it is possible to fuck up so badly that even Shepard dies (again). Decisions you made in Mass Effect carry over to Mass Effect 2. If you saved a character's life, they'll return or at least send you an e-mail. Political ramifications of your decisions also come into play (will the Council reinstate your Spectre status? Or will they even talk to you? Are the turians paying humans restitution for the First Contact War, or ignoring armament treaties to bulk up their fleet? Does the guy at Rodam Expeditions want to name his firstborn after you? Etc). Playing a non-import game assumes that you killed off everyone who could be killed off in Mass Effect 1. This includes Wrex, which is why I think that decision isn't so much what Bioware considers "canon" but rather something of a punishment.
Characters:
"I'm never wrong."
Miranda Lawson
Age: 35
Miranda is one of Cerberus' top agents. Having been genetically modified and given the best education money can buy, she considers herself quite impressive, but also as a tool to be used to advance the human cause. Think of her as a Bond Girl ... IN SPACE! She's, uh, strongly opinionated and can be difficult to get along with, but she's not out to make friends. She's out to complete the mission. Love her or hate her, Miranda's a very deadly, very capable woman. Well, mostly capable. In addition to ME2, she appears in Mass Effect Galaxy and Mass Effect: Redemption, as well. Potential love interest for a maleShep.
Jacob Taylor
Age: 28
Jacob is the main character of Mass Effect Galaxy, a spin-off iPhone game that takes place between ME 1&2. He's a former Alliance marine who got fed up with the red tape and decided to join Cerberus "so long as they're fighting the bad guys." Jacob is level-headed and intensely private, meaning that he comes off as rather bland. Used to have a relationship with Miranda. Potential love interest for a femShep.
"Never experiment on species with members capable of calculus. Simple rule. Never broke it."
Professor Mordin Solus
Age: late 30's
Race: Salarian
So remember what I said about Liara being a singularity of terrible writing? Mordin is the opposite of that. Nearing the end of his 40 year lifespan, Mordin Solus is a doctor with a past in the Salarian Special Task group (newt spies ... IN SPACE!). While he believes what he did in the past was the best thing for the galaxy, he has issues with the work that had to be done. In addition to being a spectacular doctor and geneticist, he's explored interests in the arts and various religions as well. He's an extremely well-developed character and I'd say Mordin alone justifies any purchase of Mass Effect 2. If mere gushing doesn't convince you, know that he gives you The Talk about whomever you're romancin', and it is awkward and hilarious. Also this:
Mordin is the best.
"I'm not going to stab you in the back, Shepard. Warriors like you and me... straight to the face."
Grunt
Age: technically a few weeks, but physically adolescent.
Race: Krogan
Grunt was grown in a tank by Warlord Okeer, a mad krogan who sacrificed thousands of krogan to the Collectors in exchange for their technology. Grunt is intended to be "pure krogan," whatever that means. It involves a lot of headbutting, to be sure. Grunt fights at Shepard's side so that he can fight "big things." His way of fighting mostly involves charging into things and blasting them in the face with a shotgun. Likes dinosaurs, sharks, and Hemingway.
"Turns out, mess with someone's head enough, you can turn a scared little kid into an all powerful bitch."
Jack
Age: 24
Also known as Subject Zero, Jack was raised in a Cerberus facility. They experimented on her and other kids to maximize biotic potential. "Experimentation" involved torture and exposure to narcotics. Eventually she, y'know, got tired of that shit and busted out, killing everyone in her way. She's spent her life on the run, killing people and on occasion doing something fun, like ramming a space station into a moon. Secretly writes poetry. Potential love interest for a maleShep.
"Amonkira. Lord of Hunters. Grant that my hands be steady, my aim be true, and my feet swift. And should the worst come to pass, grant me forgiveness."
Thane Krios
Age: 39
Race: Drell
Thane is a deeply religious assassin who has been trained by the hanar (intelligent space jellyfish) since he was six years old. He has an eidetic memory and will have intense flashbacks to past events when triggered. The poor guy is slowly dying from space emphyzema, and is attempting to make amends with his estranged son. Mourns his wife, who was murdered in retaliation for his work as an assassin. Potential love interest for a femShep. Making out with him can cause hallucinations, which paints the final suicide mission in a new light.
"If I survive your mission, I may return here and instruct the krogan on compassion. I'll need many bullets."
Samara
Age: between 600-700
Race: Asari
Samara is an asari Justicar-a sort of warrior monk who has given up worldly possessions and taken on a strict code of honor in order to promote justice. She's chasing an extremely deadly space sex vampire, Morinth, who tragically is her own daughter. At first Samara comes off as somewhat blank and aloof, but if you're not a space douche she'll warm up to you and tell you about her adventures and be your justice BFF. She's optimistically curious about humanity, saying "if you put three humans in a room, you'll have six opinions." It is my professional opinion that Samara is rad as hell.
"There is a high statistical probability of death by gunshot. A punch to the face is also likely."
Legion
Age: 2 or 300, depending on how you look at it. I honestly have no idea if they qualify as a counselor or as a camper. The mods must form a consensus.
Race: Geth
So remember how the geth were badguys in the first game, killinating the countryside and sticking humans on spikes? Turns out they were part of a group of religious heretics. The 'true' geth decided that Shepard is pretty rad, so they constructed a specialized mobile platform to seek out and make contact with the Commander. The geth are sentient by way of swarm intelligence, so Legion is a single consciousness formed out of the 1,183 geth programs running within it. You can learn all kinds of cool things about the geth from Legion, including the fact that they troll the internet as a social experiment. As it turns out, Legion is an avid gamer and racks up playtime in Mass Effect's equivalent of World of Warcraft, Call of Duty, Grand Theft Auto, ... and dating sims (they're bad at that one). They have by far the best idle animation. Legion's dialogue is peppered with extremely geeky references to movies and computer programming. So yeah, Legion is completely awesome and you should app them.
I had to leave out NPCs and DLC characters due to the fact that this was getting just too damn long. But I highly encourage you to check out the games on X-Box 360, PC, or PS3 (coming in January).