GIZZY'S AMAZON ACCOUNT
THIS IS A SPIN-OFF OF THIS http://community.livejournal.com/capslock_hood/78846.html, ALSO INSPIRED BY A SUGGESTION BY AOXELFRIEDA.
GUY’S BLOG IS STILL FRIENDS-LOCKED, AND HIS LATEST PUBLIC ENTRY STATES HIS LOCATION AS “TRIP INN TAVERN” AND HIS MOOD AS “FOULER THAN USUAL”, SO I HAVE NO IDEA WHEN HE WILL READ MY PM ASKING TO ADD ME AS A FRIEND. BUT I COULD NOT BE STOPPED FROM HACKING INTO HIS AMAZON USER ACCOUNT. AFTER ALL, I HAD TO KNOW WHAT TO SEND HIM FOR CHRISTMAS, AND DID NOT WANT TO GIVE HIM SOMETHING HE ALREADY HAS!
IT DID NOT TAKE LONG TO GET INTO: GUY HAS ONLY TWO KNOWN E-MAIL ADDRESSES, MASTER_AT_ARMS@NOTTINGHAM.CO.UK AND LONELY_HEART@LOCKSLEY.CO.UK, AND THE LATTER ONE COMBINED WITH THE PASSWORD OF *HOODISAPRICK* (SRSLY, GUY, TOO OBVIOUS!) GOT ME IN. AND I FIGURED I’D SHARE THE TREASURE. JUST REMEMBER, THE SECOND WISH LIST ITEM IS MINE TO SEND HIM FOR CHRISTMAS. NO, HECK, I WILL DELIVER IT *PERSONALLY*!
THIS IS WHAT GREETED ME ON GUY'S USER PAGE:
THIS WAS THE RESULT OF CHECKING OUT HIS SHOPPING LIST:
AND THIS IS HIS PRODUCT REVIEW SUMMARY PAGE, WITH ALL HIS REVIEWS FOR SOME REASON WRITTEN IN ALL CAPS:
***** ELEGANT AND VERSATILE (SEE USER PICS)
THIS BEAUTY HAS NEVER LEFT MY SIDE SINCE I BOUGHT IT. SO MANY USES, SO LITTLE EFFORT.
GREAT AS A CAREER AID,
BURGLAR PROTECTION,
RELATIONSHIP STRESS RELIEVER…
THE POSSIBILITIES ARE ENDLESS!
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*****SATISFYING!
WHATEVER ‘NINJA’ MEANS, THIS PRODUCT IS INDISPENSABLE FOR SEXING UP SAVING YOUNG LADIES STUCK IN TREES. AM VERY SATISFIED THANKS TO MY PURCHASE! WILL SURELY LOOK FOR MORE OF THAT ‘NINJA’ STUFF.
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*****A THING OF BEAUTY
REVIEW BY SWORDZ_RULE: ADVERTISED AS A VOODOO DOLL. I DO NOT KNOW WHAT VOODOO IS BUT THIS ONE IS GREAT AS A PIN CUSHION AND PRACTICE TARGET FOR SMALL PROJECTILES (SEE MY ‘GIANT CROSSBOW’ REVIEW).
COMMENTS (1) BY SIR_GUY_OF_GISBORNE: THIS IS INDEED A WONDERFUL PRODUCT, BUT I HAVE NO IDEA WHO THE REVIEWER ABOVE IS, OR WHAT HE OR SHE MEANS ABOUT ALTERNATIVE USES! THE FIGURE IS A TRUE LIKENESS OF MY LORD SHERIFF, AND I TREASURE IT FOR ITS INSPIRATIONAL VALUE. AND WHOEVER SENT A LINK TO THE ABOVC COMMENT TO VASEY IS GETTING HIS ARSE REAMED OUT, BIG TIME, AS SOON AS I FIND YOU.
**ANATOMICALLY INCORRECT
THE CLOTHES ARE ACCURATE BUT THE FIGURE IS NOT. EVERYONE KNOWS THAT THE REAL NWM HAS HUGE MAN-BOOBS, NARROW SHOULDERS, A FAT ASS, AND A TINY PACKAGE… UNLIKE THIS ‘LIKENESS’. TO MAKE MATTERS WORSE, THEY TOTALLY RIPPED OFF MY HAIRDO FOR THIS ONE. WAY TOO FLATTERING!
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*** MISLEADING NAME, BUT OTHERWISE ENJOYABLE
GIANT CROSSBOW, MY ASS FOOT. I HAD HIGH HOPES BEFORE IT ARRIVED OF USING IT AGAINST THOSE PESKY OUTLAWS… UNTIL I SAW THAT IT MEASURES 5X6X8 INCHES! SO AS AN OFFENSIVE/DEFENSIVE LETHAL WEAPON IT IS USELESS. I DID, HOWEVER, FIND IT HIGHLY ENTERTAINING AS A SECRET PRACTICE WEAPON AGAINST SHERIFF VASEY, SHERIFF VASEY’S FIGURINE, CASTLE GUARDS, AND SIR JASPER.
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****OTHER THAN SMALL SIZE, A GOOD PRODUCT
AGAIN, SIZE IS AN ISSUE, AS IT IS USELESS FOR CASTLE DEFENCES, BUT THIS ONE IS EVEN BETTER FOR PRANKING VASEY TESTING THE ALERTNESS OF CASTLE GUARDS WITH THE OCCASIONAL SALVO. THEY NEVER SEE IT COMING! ITS APPEARANCE WHEN IT SHOOTS ITS LOAD REMINDS ME OF MY BIG SWORD FOR SOME REASON.
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****NICE TO WATCH IN ACTION
AGAIN, REMINDS ME OF MY SWORD, NO IDEA WHY. ESPECIALLY WHEN SET IN MOTION. THE DESCRIPTION MENTIONS THAT IT COMES EQUIPPED WITH FUNCTIONAL SKINS, AND IT SURE DOES. VERY CUTE.
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** OMISSIONS IN LABELLING
BOUGHT THIS TO CREATE A PRIVATE ENTERTAINMENT SPACE ATOP A CASTLE TOWER AND IT WORKED FINE FOR A WHILE… UNTIL A COUPLE OF PRICKS USED IT TO FLOAT AWAY! PRODUCT NAME AND LABEL MUST CLEARLY SPECIFY THE NEED FOR STURDY IDIOT-PROOF INSTALLATION AND MUST INCLUDE WARNING THAT BESIDES BEING A TENT-MARQUEE-CANOPY-GAZEBO, IT CAN ALSO FUNCTION AS A FLYING DEVICE.
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*** GOOD BUT HAS UNFORTUNATE SIDE EFFECTS
AS A HAIR CARE PRODUCT IT WORKS FINE, BUT SINCE I STARTED USING IT, THE FREQUENCY OF BONDAGE INCIDENTS WHERE I WAS FORCIBLY RESTRAINED AND HEAVILY PETTED HAS INCREASED MORE THAN THREEFOLD. BUY AT YOUR OWN RISK!
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***GOOD PRODUCT, BUT INAPPROPRIATE ACCESSORY
I WAS REALLY LOOKING FORWARD TO RECEIVING MY ORDER. WHEN IT ARRIVED IT WAS A BIT SMALL, ABOUT THE SIZE OF A BIG OUTHOUSE, BUT I STILL LIKED IT. WHAT MADE ME REGRET MY PURCHASE WAS THE ACCESSORY THAT COMES PACKAGED WITH IT AS A FREE GIFT:
THIS PESKY CREATURE HAS STINKY BREATH, KEEPS RUNNING AROUND BITING MY ANKLES, AND PEES INTO MY BOOTS AT NIGHT. AND I CANNOT RETURN MY PURCHASE BECAUSE IT WAS CUSTOMIZED (WHY DID I ASK FOR A MINI-DUNGEON ANYWAY?) IF THESE ARE BUNDLED TOGETHER, THE PACKAGE SHOULD AT LEAST HAVE A HOUSEBREAKING AND TOILET TRAINING MANUAL ENCLOSED.
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*****DOES NOT WORK AT ALL.
THIS DEVICE IS SUPPOSED TO EMIT A LOUD WARNING NOISE WHEN THE NIGHTWATCHMAN APPROACHES. NO WAY! THE ROGUE TIED ME TO MY BED ONE NIGHT AND DID UNSPEAKABLE THINGS TO ME AND HAD ME BEGGING FOR MORE AND IT NEVER SOUNDED ONCE!
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****VERY HANDY!
IN ADDITION TO A MAP, WORKS WELL AS A HANDKERCHIEF, SMALL TABLECLOTH, WASHCLOTH, AND EVEN EYE MASK. JUST REMEMBER TO WASH BETWEEN USES. THEY SHOULD ALSO MAKE BLANKET-SIZED ONES, HOWEVER.
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*USELESS
HAD HIGH HOPES FOR THIS ONE AFTER A DRUNKEN ACCIDENT IN THE HOLY LAND. DOES NOT WORK.
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*DECEPTIVE DESCRIPTION
THE PRODUCT PAGE SAID: “NO BRIDE CAN RESIST ITS STYLISH APPEAL. SHE WILL THROW HERSELF AT YOU AND BEG TO BE SWEPT OFF HER FEET!”
REALITY? SHE THREW A PUNCH AT ME AND BEGGED TO BE SWEPT OFF HER FEET BY A DIRTY OUTLAW.
I HAVE RETURNED IT AND GOT MY MONEY BACK TO GET DRUNK ON, BUT BASED ON EXPERIENCE (TOOK WEEKS FOR THAT BRUISE TO HEAL!), I CAN ONLY RECOMMEND THIS ONE AS A SELF-DEFENCE ITEM.
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*WASTE OF MONEY
THIS SO-CALLED ‘MULTILAYER DEFENCE AND ALARM SYSTEM’ RECOMMENDED BY 'HOMES AND CASTLES' COSTS LOADS OF MONEY AND DOES NOT WORK AT ALL. A GANG OF SCRUFFY, FILTHY, STINKING FOREST-DWELLING AMATEURS DISABLED IT IN ABOUT AN HOUR. GOOD THING I BOUGHT IT AT MY SUPERIOR’S ORDERS OR ELSE I WOULD NEVER HEAR THE LAST OF IT FROM HIM.
AND FINALLY I GOT TO THE HOLY GRAIL OF GUY'S WISH LIST... REMEMBER, I AM GETTING HIM THE SECOND ITEM!
