FIC: SINS OF THE FATHER 9/15
Title: Sins of the Father
Chapter: 9/15
Author: carolinablu85, also known as CarolinaBlue on vh.net or CarolinaBlu on the wiki (I know, I'm a fountain of creative names)
Pairing: Luke/Noah
Rating: PG 13-ish , mentions of abuse and non-con moments (not graphic)
Spoilers: set in spring 2009, after Luke and Noah battle housing discrimination but before Damian/evil twins. Thus, before the Colonel came back from the dead last year
Summary: Alan makes an appearance, Noah meets Marcus, Jack gives Luke and Holden some bad news.
Disclaimer: I disclaim. I own a pair of sneakers, a cellphone, and some other stuff. The show? Nope, not that.
Author's Note: The first major 'epic' story I ever wrote (and finished)!
Chapter 1 / Chapter 2 / Chapter 3 / Chapter 4 / Chapter 5 / Chapter 6 / Chapter 7 / Chapter 8
Instinctively, before he even opened his eyes, he knew he was in a hospital. At the moment he wasn’t sure why, or how long he’d been there, but there was no mistaking that sterile, chemical smell. Or the beeping of monitors and machines around him. Damn it, what had he gotten himself into this time?
He cracked his eyes open warily, and was more than a little relieved to find himself alone in the room. Pretty nondescript hospital room, from what he could tell. Nothing out the window gave him any indication of where he was. Oakdale maybe? It made the most sense. After he was done assessing his surroundings, it was time to assess himself. His side hurt like hell, and he had to wonder if it was broken ribs or something else.
The bandages around his midsection told him it was something else. He gave the wound an experimental touch and nearly yelled out loud at the pain that radiated from it. But the pain also made him focus, and suddenly all the memories of the past few days came rushing back to him. The kidnapping, the cabin, the basement… Alan smirked to himself at the thought of the basement. God, if only he’d had one more day.
No, he couldn’t dwell on that right now. There were obviously more pressing issues, namely the shadowy figure standing right outside of his door. If he was under guard that meant he was in a regular civilian hospital, and they’d be taking him to lockup as soon as he was discharged. He needed to find a way out of here before then.
He wondered briefly where the Colonel and Tim were, but dismissed them just as quickly. Either they were dead, arrested, or gone. Whatever the case, they weren’t here. Alan was on his own. Another glance out the window told him he was on at least the fourth floor. That meant no escape that way. He’d have to find-
Footsteps and voices outside the door alerted Alan, and in that split second he went with his gut (so to speak), laying back on the bed and closing his eyes. Better for people to think he was weaker than he actually was. Underestimate him. It was the easiest way to gain an advantage. He kept himself perfectly still as the door opened and footfalls- 3 sets, he could tell- came closer.
“He should be coming off the sedative soon, Doctor Hughes,” a deep voice said in warning. “Do you want to keep him doped up?”
“Yes,” another man’s voice answered. He sounded older, very gentle and folksy. Like a cross between Andy Griffith and a Muppet. “Yes, for as long as possible. It might be a few more days, Dallas, before we can release him to you.”
“That’s fine,” a third mad replied. His voice was younger, confident. “We’ve got a nice, depressing cell waiting for him at the station. Then the Feds will transfer him to a Maximum Security prison somewhere out-of-state.”
A nurse, a doctor, and a cop, Alan told himself, refraining from adding 'walk into a bar...' in his head. Now was not the time. He refused to react to the cop’s words, though the idea of a stint in maximum security sent a shot of fear through him that momentarily overrode the pain in his side.
“Out of state?” the second voice- the doctor- questioned curiously.
“We might be pulling some strings there,” the cop admitted. “All four men are going to separate max securities, but we want this guy as far away from Noah as possible.”
Alan almost- almost- reacted to the name. So, the cop (and maybe the doctor) knew Noah? And they had found him, obviously. And he was alive, wherever he was. Alan was half-tempted to blow his cover and ask how Noah was, but wisened up at the last second. Not yet.
“How long you standing guard today, Dallas?” the first voice asked.
“Just till six. Then it’s back to the station till midnight.” Six hour shifts. Changing of the guard at the top and bottom of the clock. Alan filed that info away. This fake-sedation was paying off nicely. “So how’s Noah doing, Doc?” the cop asked. For a second Alan stopped breathing, held his breath so he wouldn’t dare miss the answer.
“Better,” the doctor seemed a little cautious in saying. “I was going to talk to him today about being released day after tomorrow, maybe the next if he’s up for it. He’s been managing to walk around a little, with Luke’s help of course.”
“Of course,” Dallas echoed, and Alan could hear the smile in his words. But Alan was too keyed up to really register that. Noah was here. The kid was here in the same hospital. Damn. Maybe he was tempting fate here, but he couldn’t help it. His original plans for escape flew out the proverbial window, and new ideas started to form.
The male nurse and Dallas continued talking as the doctor left, and Alan was grateful for that. It meant the nurse was distracted enough not to notice that his patient was pinching the IV tube where it rested under his hand. So any sedative they administered was useless…
* * * * * * * * * * * *
Noah shifted on the bed with a restless groan, aimlessly flipping through the four static-plagued channels the TV offered. Nothing on the stations had changed in the last two minutes since he had turned the TV on, and Noah found that to be unreasonably unfair. He had always had the innate ability to tell if he was going to like something within two minutes of watching it (it took him two minutes to fall in love with Luke), and nothing he had seen on TV in the last day and a half had managed to capture his attention.
Now that he was spending more and more time awake, he was growing more and more impatient to leave. He hated being on this bed, with the door right here for anyone to walk in or out of (except him). He felt like he was on display for everyone to see, a mummy in a museum. He didn’t like so many people looking at him, touching him, when he was… like this. Why did they have to keep looking at him like that? As if they could fix him?
He shifted in the bed again, wincing at the pull of sore muscles. Doctor Hughes and Doctor Stewart had insisted he start exercising and walking around to get his strength back. Noah had to admit, it had felt good to get out of bed. But the only thing that bothered him more than being in this bed was getting out of the room. Too many people, too much noise, and Noah couldn’t concentrate on protecting himself. There were too many ways he was left vulnerable. Honestly, if it weren’t for Luke wrapping an arm around his waist and walking alongside him, he probably would have run straight back into the room and locked the door.
Luke was the thing that kept him sane. Kept him safe. The other Snyders tried, and Noah appreciated and loved them for trying, but they could only do so much. Luke was the only one who knew how to chase his panic away. Luke still refused to leave at night, still slept on the cot next to his bed.
Noah could not be more ashamed and more grateful for that. He could handle being alone during the day- he was alone right now- but at night with the dim lights and muted sounds, Luke was there ready and able to convince him he wasn’t still locked up in the basement.
A knock startled him out of his thoughts. He waited, but the door didn’t open. That confused him. No one knocked and waited for his permission to enter. The doctors and nurses just barged in like they owned the place (which, okay, was pretty close to the truth). The Snyders and his other visitors always knocked, but it was more of a signal that they were coming in instead of a request. In his head, Noah actually refused to refer to it as ‘his’ room, because how could it be his if he had no control over it?
Another knock. He was almost tempted to exercise his right to refuse entry, but that seemed rude. What if it was Emma? “Come in?” he called out tentatively, still getting used to using his vocal chords at such a volume.
Noah didn’t recognize the man who entered, and that immediately put him on edge. Though he did remind Noah a little of an older Tom Hughes, and a lot of Rex Harrison. Idly, he tried to remember the last time he had watched the original Dr. Dolittle movie. A long time, he guessed. Then he realized the man was speaking. Noah shook his head to clear it and looked at the stranger questioningly.
“I was just making sure you are in fact Noah Mayer,” the man said, his voice low and pleasant. It was a nice voice. It helped Noah feel safe enough to nod in return, though he was still suspicious. His name was on every chart in this room and the door outside. Who was this guy? The man smiled calmly. “I’m Dr. Weston. And I do already know your name, but I felt like making a proper introduction. Just because I know your name doesn’t mean I know you, get what I’m saying?”
Noah stared at him incredulously, wondering if Dr. Bob had stuck him on some new hallucinogenic drug. The man- Dr. Weston- pulled up a chair to Noah’s bed, but still sat well outside the range of Noah’s personal space, which he grudgingly appreciated.
“Okay. Well, Noah, Dr. Hughes asked me to consult on your case; I’m a sort of… recovery specialist. I’m not here to do anything today, I just wanted a chance to meet you and for you to meet me before we work together.”
Noah nodded hesitantly. This guy was like no other doctor he had ever met before, and it made him nervous. How did he know this guy was for real, wasn’t…? “Where’s Dr. Hughes?” he asked quietly, his fingers slowly moving to the call button by the bed.
Dr. Weston noticed the movement but didn’t react. “He’s out to lunch with Kim right now. Though, as you know, Bob has been ‘out to lunch’ for most of his life.” He smiled a little wider, genuinely, and Noah cautiously brought his hand back away from the call button. Dr. Weston grew serious then. “Noah. I’m not going to tell you to trust me, because that would be stupid, but-”
“You’re a shrink,” Noah realized, his slight panic at that outweighing his embarrassment for interrupting. Of course he was a shrink. His tone, his understanding smile, his casual clothing. A ‘recovery specialist?’
Dr. Weston looked started for a second before smiling again. “Yes, I am.” He watched, impressed in spite of himself, as Noah folded inwards, almost seeming to shrink into the bed and pull away from him without ever actually moving.
“Please go,” Noah requested quietly. He was done talking. This was not what he wanted. He didn’t know this man, couldn’t trust him. No matter how much he looked like Professor Higgins.
Dr. Weston wasn’t about to give up yet. “Noah, I’d like for you to come see me sometime soon. My office is right downst-”
“Go. Please.” Noah didn’t care that he interrupted the man this time. His hand, now shaking, started to reach again for the call button.
Dr. Weston nodded, understanding that he couldn’t push it now. He stood carefully, backing away to the door. “I’m sorry to upset you, but I really think I can help you, Noah. And I think you know you need the help.” But Noah was done talking, now staring at a TV screen that had more static than picture on it.
Marcus wondered if there was something symbolic in that as he left, closing the door behind him. “Well,” he said, turning to greet the half a dozen pairs of eyes staring at him, “that went about as well as I expected it to.”
Luke’s angry gaze was the first to grab his attention. “I really wish you had told me first, instead of ambushing him like that,” the young man accused.
“Luke,” Lily rebuked half-heartedly. Marcus got the feeling he was witnessing a discussion that had been going on since he introduced himself to the Snyders fifteen minutes ago.
Luke didn’t look away from Dr. Weston. “I could have talked to him about it first, prepared him a little. He trusts me, he doesn’t-”
“Luke,” Dr. Weston gently interrupted. “You and I can’t make these decisions for Noah, as much as we’d like to. It has to be between me and him. He has to have complete control.”
Luke’s conviction weakened a little at that. “But-”
“Think about it, son,” Marcus continued. “Last week Noah lost control of everything in his life. But he didn’t just lose it, it was all taken from him forcibly.” He waited for Luke to nod in understanding before speaking again. “Now, my job is going to be to help Noah get that power back. To do that, it has to be just him and me.” He smiled then, trying to soften the blow. “You’re helping him so much, and doing a great job of it. Now it’s my turn. The best thing you can do for him is to let me do my job, my way.”
Luke studied him seriously for a moment. Marcus met the stare calmly, suddenly feeling like he was getting a dressing-down from Lucinda Walsh. This was her grandson after all, though the woman herself stood just behind him. Dear God, what was he getting himself into with this family?
He knew he liked Noah, had felt it the moment he sat down and met Noah’s gaze and could see the young man trapped inside. But, really, did it have to involve Oakdale’s most… present family? There seemed to be Snyders everywhere he turned! But he had to admit he was glad too. It meant Noah had a great support system, something he would definitely need.
Luke nodded to himself, and Marcus wondered if he had passed whatever test he had just taken. “I’m going to go sit with him,” the boy told his parents, holding up the large bag he had in his hands. “Casey dropped off his DVD player, so…”
“Go ahead,” Holden nodded, couldn’t help but smile at his son’s protective streak. It couldn’t be genetic, because Luke definitely got it from him.
Once Luke disappeared into Noah’s room, Marcus followed the rest of them back to the waiting room. “Well?” Lucinda’s voice was made to carry across the Grand Canyon, but Marcus was struck by the note of worry, of softness, he heard in that one word. He was a little surprised by it. Obviously, Lucinda wasn’t just indulging her grandson, her grandson’s boyfriend. She genuinely cared about this kid. And if Lucinda Walsh was in Noah’s corner, then Marcus had to take the job.
He put on his professional face, turning his attention back to the matter at hand. He reminded himself that therapists don’t sigh in public. “It’s not going to be easy. Bob was right when he said Noah has built up some walls…” the affectionately sad smiles from the adults told him they agreed, probably knew from experience.
He was feeling even more curious, more compelled to get involved because of it. “But he does need help. He’s very anxious, uncomfortable in his own skin. I don’t…” How much did these people know about Noah’s full condition? “I don’t think he’s fully acknowledging everything that happened to him. When he does, it won’t be pretty. The longer he puts it off, the worse it will be.”
“You don’t think he’d… hurt himself, do you?” Lily ventured. The other older woman with them, he remembered her name was Emma, took a deep shuddering breath at the thought.
Marcus shook his head. “From the short time I spent in there, no, I don’t see that happening. Not physically, at least.”
“Whoa- what does that mean?” The other woman burst out with before she could stop herself. Her name was Janet, she was married to Holden’s cousin, who was a cop. Marcus decided he was going to have to make a chart to remember all these people.
“He’s cutting himself off,” he explained. “Or he will. Shut down. Find some way to escape everything.”
“He’ll run away,” Holden murmured. Marcus stored that comment away in his brain for later thought, especially considering the fact that Lily and Lucinda nodded knowingly in agreement.
“Well Marcus, I assume this means you’re stepping up as Noah’s doctor?” Lucinda asked him, watching him with that laser focus and steely determination.
Marcus could remember a time when he had actually been afraid of this woman. “Lucinda, if you even have to ask…” She smirked at him before turning to the rest of the family, her face melting into a real smile then.
“When will you start?” Lily pressed on, clasping Holden’s hand in relief.
Marcus looked around reassuringly at all of them. “Twenty-five minutes ago.”
* * * * * * * * * * * *
A few hours later, Luke was telling himself not to panic. Just because Noah hadn’t been in his room when Luke and Holden had come back from getting lunch, just because none of the doctors or nurses or Snyders had seen him leave, just because there was no trace of him anywhere in the hospital… that was not cause to panic.
If Alison’s suggestion of checking the roof didn’t work, then he would panic. This, what he was feeling right now, this was not panic. This was merely… elevated emotional anxiety. Not panic. He burst through the final door onto the rooftop. “Noah?!” Okay, maybe a little panic.
“Hey.” Noah was there. Noah was there, sitting on the edge of the roof but facing in towards the hospital. He looked at Luke, that scary-blank expression he’d had since being rescued still in place. Luke hated that expression.
“Oh, Jesus,” Luke took a second to catch his breath, the immediate relief nearly knocking him off his feet. “Noah…” He crossed over to his boyfriend in 2.2 seconds, nearly tripping over his own feet in his haste. Forgetting to be gentle, he grabbed Noah and pulled him into a fierce hug.
Noah stiffened initially, but gradually relaxed into the embrace, his own arms coming up to wrap around Luke’s waist tentatively. “Luke?”
Luke wasn’t necessarily ready to let go, but he knew Noah probably wasn’t ready for one of their marathon hugs. He tried to ease off, but couldn’t completely. His hands came up to cradle either side of Noah’s face. It was still too pale, even more so in the natural light. Luke wondered how much rest Noah was actually getting. “You scared the crap out of me, babe. You weren’t in your room.”
Noah looked back at him confused for a moment before realization struck. “Sorry. Didn’t think I’d be gone that long.”
Luke nodded, tried to accept that, and told his heart and lungs that Noah was okay (relatively) and to calm the hell down. “What are you doing up here?” he asked softly.
Noah’s shoulders lifted just enough to constitute a shrug. “Wanted to be outside.” He hadn’t been outside in such a long time. He had just wanted to feel sunlight for awhile, take in real moving air, an actually breeze. It almost felt unreal, he’d been without it for so long. He sensed more than saw (when had he closed his eyes?) Luke nodding as he took a seat next to him on the ledge. Luke’s hand on his shoulder had him opening his eyes again, and he was semi-thrown by the look of understanding on Luke’s face.
“It’s been awhile, huh?” Luke’s voice was still quiet, and this time he was much more cautious as he put an arm around Noah and pulled him a little closer.
He nodded, telling himself it was okay, nobody was touching him in a way he didn’t want. This was Luke, for God’s sake. Noah had to prove to himself that nothing was wrong, so he laid his head down against Luke’s shoulder. It was a little awkward at first, but when he felt Luke kiss his hair, he breathed out a tiny sigh of relief. He could do this, he could try to be normal. “Sorry I made you freak out.”
Another light kiss. “Freak out? Me? No way, I was just… making sure you weren’t skipping out on the hospital bill.” Noah twitched for a second in what was probably supposed to be a chuckle, but remained quiet. He was still so quiet, and it worried Luke more than a little. And he was also a bit disturbed that Noah didn’t make any mention of the cost of his hospital stay or worry how he would pay for it.
Of course, Lucinda had already taken care of everything, but Noah didn’t know that. And he also didn’t ask. Luke found himself actually wishing they could have an argument about money right now, just to hear some life in Noah’s voice. “Just, next time you want to go for a walk, can you tell someone? No one will stop you, we just want to know where you are.”
Noah nodded again, eyes closing once more. He was breathing deeply and evenly, for probably the first time since he had woken up. Luke made a silent vow to bring him up here every time they went for a walk from now on until he was released.
Speaking of silence… “Have you thought any more about going to see Dr. Weston?” he asked cautiously. Since that unsuccessful first meeting early this morning, Luke had tried- and failed- to talk to Noah about going to therapy. He backed off soon enough, knowing it was something Noah would want to go over in his own head first. And Dr. Weston’s words to him after leaving Noah’s room had had a surprisingly strong effect- it would help Noah to decide for himself. Luke remembered his own experience with therapy and knew the doctor was right. Noah had to make these decisions on his own.
Noah shrugged again, and Luke told himself not to get frustrated. “Okay. Since I’m not sure if that means ‘yes’ or ‘no,’ I’m going to-”
“Do you remember the last time we were up here?” Wow. Not only was Noah speaking a complete sentence- subject and predicate and everything- but he was also interrupting. Luke was very surprised he hadn’t fallen off the damn building.
He took a breath, concentrating on the actual question. The last time they had been up here…? Oh. Crap. When Casey and Ali had locked them out so they had to talk to each other. Not one of his favorite memories ever. “Yeah, I remember,” he answered simply, letting Noah take the lead on this conversation. Hell, Noah could recite the Gettysburg Address right now and he’d take it as a victory.
“It was cold.”
Then again, if Noah was going to talk about the weather, maybe he would have to take the lead back. “It was January, love.”
The tiny movement against his shoulder might have been a nod. “I told you… told you we were both too messed up to be in a relationship together. That we needed to work on ourselves before we could…”
Okay. So. This is what panic feels like. “Noah, what are you trying to tell me?” He wanted to bring Noah’s face back up to his so they could look at each other, but with the way Noah avoided eye contact lately he knew that could only make the situation worse. So he simply held his breath, terrified.
“I’m more messed up than I’ve ever been, Luke. I c-can’t ask you to…” His voice was like sandpaper rubbing against Luke’s skin. It hurt, and he wondered if just listening to someone’s voice could make you bleed.
“You’re not asking me. I’m asking you. To try to get better, to believe you can get better. You, being with you, is what I want. No matter what.” Luke made sure his grip around Noah remained firm. “You’re not hurting me in any way, Noah Mayer. You’re stuck with me.”
“But…” Noah might have shaken his head, Luke wasn’t sure through the shaking his own body was doing. “What if this is it? What if this is me now?” Almost a whisper: “What if I can’t be good enough anymore?”
He wrapped both arms around his boyfriend now, his chin resting against the top of his dark head. He wanted to talk about that whole ‘good enough’ problem, but knew that was an issue probably best left to Dr. Weston. So he went with the first question instead. “Do you remember us on the porch at the farm, you telling me that my paralysis wasn’t a done deal? That I shouldn’t accept it as the way things had to be?” He didn’t wait for Noah to respond. “You were the one who convinced me to just try. And because of you and physical therapy-” he tried very hard not to stress the word therapy- “I did get better. And stronger for it. Now it’s your turn to let me convince you.”
Noah was silent for a few minutes, but Luke was encouraged by the fact that he was holding on to Luke as tightly as Luke was holding on to him. He should have known Noah was going to have this freakout. His mom had told him of Dr. Weston’s warning about Noah pulling away from everyone. But this was Noah; Noah was always throwing curve balls. Even with this episode, it almost felt like he was giving Luke the option to leave him because he thought he should, not because he wanted Luke to go.
But Noah still wasn’t responding, and Luke decided against pushing any further. “You don’t have to make any decisions right now, okay? No one on this roof is expecting anything from you.” Noah’s grip tightened just a fraction. Luke took that as his version of a laugh. And Luke would take whatever he could get right now. Whatever Noah could give.
“I do love you,” Noah’s voice just barely carried over the wind, just the tiniest bit insistent, proving Luke’s theory right.
“I know you do,” Luke whispered just as quietly. “I love you too.”
“I know.”
* * * * * * * * * * * *
Luke and Holden were just exiting Noah’s room when Jack hurried up to them, out of breath and concerned. “Janet said Noah was-”
“We found him,” Luke cut in, assuring him. He studied Jack curiously, wondering why he looked so freaked out.
Holden was wondering too. “It’s okay, Luke found him on the roof a few hours ago. He was just getting some fresh air; you can’t blame the guy, really.” Luke hid a smile- his dad sounded cool and collected now, but he had gone into a full on Papa Bear mode after they had discovered Noah’s empty bed.
Best of all, he had given Noah one of his patented Holden-Snyder-I’m-stern-because-I-care lectures when Luke had brought him back from the roof. The expression on Noah’s face had been the most Noah-like that Luke had seen since this nightmare started, another thing that gave him hope.
Jack’s next words brought Luke back to the present. “You can’t let him go wandering around on his own right now,” Jack told them forcefully.
Luke narrowed his eyes, getting a little defensive. Whatever Noah needed, Noah was going to get. “Why not? He needs to be up and walking, doctor’s orders. And I’m not going to let him be locked up in a room again.”
“Luke,” Jack sighed. “Just… just trust me. Please. Don’t let Noah go around the hospital by himself.”
The look in Jack’s eyes scared Holden a little, and he had to press the issue. “Come on Jack, you gotta give us a little more than that. What’s going on?”
Jack looked at both of them seriously for a moment before dragging them over to a more private corner of the hallway, still in view of Noah’s door. “Okay. I’m technically not allowed to tell you this, but… Alan Reddik? He’s here, being treated at this hospital.”
“What?” Luke’s voice came out as a whisper, but it still echoed for miles. “I thought he was dead.”
“Alan’s the one who…?” Holden had to ask. At both Jack and Luke’s somber nods, he closed his eyes, took a deep breath, then refocused on his cousin. “He’s here?”
Jack nodded again. “I’m sorry. I only just found out. Margo told me he had survived the shooting, but since I was pulled off that part of the case, I-”
“Why were you pulled off?” Holden interrupted, confused.
“It’s procedure,” Jack explained. “I was the one who shot Alan in the confrontation.” Holden and Luke looked shocked at that, but Jack waved away their reactions preemptively. “Internal Affairs cleared me, but I’m not allowed to work the case anymore.”
“You shot him?” Luke asked, voice going slightly high-pitched.
Jack tried to smile and failed spectacularly. “Yeah. Then I find out this morning he’s being treated here. And then Janet tells me Noah went missing from his room and…” he took a slow, calming breath. “I don’t know if you want to tell him or not, but I guess you two should be aware.”
“Can’t you have him taken somewhere else? Anywhere else? Siberia?” Luke was getting really tired of getting hysterical. He needed a damn vacation. Him and Noah, white sandy beaches, crystal-blue oceans, bathing suits optional. One tiny compartment of Luke’s brain that wasn’t dealing with this current crisis started to plan the trip.
“Not till the docs clear him, Luke. I tried, believe me. But we’ve got guys posted at his door at all times, okay? We’re taking care of it.”
“Can you put another guy outside Noah’s room?” Holden asked, his own eyes straying to the door, worried.
“No. They thought about it but decided not to.” Jack hated the fact that he kept bearing bad news to his family.
“Why the hell not?” Luke demanded. Holden put a hand on his shoulder, both in comfort and in warning for the language.
“Think about it Luke- do you think it’s really wise to put an armed man standing guard outside Noah’s room? You said it yourself, he’d feel trapped all over again. And on a tactical side, if Alan were to somehow escape and if he went looking for Noah, a cop standing outside the door would be a dead giveaway of his location.” Jack put his hand on Luke’s other shoulder briefly. “Trust me. We’re doing everything we can. And anyway, just two more days and Noah will be going home, right?”
“Right,” Luke answered, recognizing the logic behind Jack’s reasoning but feeling no where near satisfied.
“Have you talked to him about Emma’s suggestion?” Jack turned to Holden.
“What suggestion?” Luke looked back and forth between them.
“Mama wondered if Noah might want to move to the farm when he’s released from the hospital. Just for a little while, while he’s recuperating,” Holden told his son. Luke raised his eyebrows but didn’t immediately balk at the idea, so Holden continued. “It’ll be nice and quiet there, lots of open space and not a lot of people. She already made up his old room for him, just in case.”
Luke was silent for a long moment, chewing on his bottom lip. Noah move to the farm? “You… just decided all this? Without talking to me?”
Smiling, Holden tried to put Luke at ease. “No one has decided anything. Mama had the idea this morning. I was going to talk to both of you about it, but then Noah wasn’t in his room and we were running around and… It’ll be up to Noah, of course.”
“With Meg and Eliza staying at Paul’s, it’s just Emma, Janet, and me at the house,” Jack spoke up. “I can’t guarantee that Emma and Janet won’t try to mother the hell out of him, but maybe that’s what he needs. And he won’t feel crowded if he needs a break, you know?”
Luke nodded, still mulling it over, and Holden couldn’t hold back his grin any longer. Sometimes his son was so transparent. “Mama set up your old room too, Luke. You didn’t think we’d be stupid enough to separate you two, did you?”
Luke let out the breath he’d unconsciously been holding. “For a second, yeah. I did,” he grumbled sheepishly. Now that he thought about it rationally, he realized the two of them at the farm was a perfect idea; it was the place Noah always ended up after a fiasco with the Colonel. Okay, score one for Grandma Emma.
“I should probably be the one to talk to him about it,” he mused out loud. Holden and Jack nodded their agreement, following him back down the hallway to Noah’s room. Luke couldn’t help but glance around suspiciously as they approached the door. Alan was here somewhere. Too close.
The three Snyders paused in the doorway, looking in. Noah was asleep, face turned towards the TV that was about halfway through playing some old black-and-white movie. Luke vaguely remembered watching it with Noah before- what was it called? Animal Crackers or something like that? It was also one of Noah’s self-proclaimed “chicken soup films,” one he would watch when he really needed the comfort.
“Why don’t we got out to Al’s and get some dinner? Let him sleep,” Holden suggested quietly. God knows Noah needed the rest. Luke had told him about Noah waking up frequently during the night, as though he couldn’t let himself fully relax. As though he’d fall asleep and wake up back in that damn cabin. Holden shook his head, then realized Luke was doing the same.
“I can’t leave the hospital right now. Not after…” Luke nodded his head towards Jack.
Jack took a step forward, tried to look reassuring. “Luke-”
“No, I know. I know he’s under guard wherever he is and Noah’s safe, but… I can’t go just yet. If we went to Al’s I’d be too freaked out to eat anyway.”
“Okay, we can compromise,” Holden held up a hand. “How about a trip down to the cafeteria? Stale pizza, bad coffee, that sound good?”
“Yes. Great,” Luke answered enthusiastically, not caring if they teased him. As long as he got his way. One more glance at his sleeping boyfriend, and they headed down the hallway. Just two more days…
* * * * * * * * * * * *
It was now or never. Almost 6pm. He was being released any day now, he just wasn’t sure exactly when. It wasn’t like he could ask. In the last thirty-six hours since he had woken up, every time a nurse or doc entered to sedate him again he pretended to be asleep, pinching the IV tube under the cover of his blanket so the staff would never know. Just before they were due back, he’d remove his IV, drain out the fluids so it looked like the sedative was used up, then reattach the tubing. It paid to be a former Army medic, that was for damn sure.
He was off the heart monitors and any other machine that checked his status. All he had to do was take out the IV and he’d be ready to go. It was now or never. 6pm- the guard shift change was taking place.
Alan eased his way out of the bed, testing his muscle strength. He had been working them up to a steady condition in the dead of every night, determined to be in good physical form in case his escape got… a little out of hand. He snuck over to the door and peered out through the blinds at the small window. The two cops were talking, chatting lightly, until one finally walked off, leaving a young dark-skinned man behind. Alan wondered if one of the two of them was the Dallas that had been in his room when he woke up. Not that it mattered.
He shifted lightly on the balls of his feet, waiting. Sure enough, the door opened inward slowly as the cop came in to check on the prisoner. Alan waited for the guy to flip on the light switch before making his move. He slammed the door shut with his arm and grabbed the cop from behind, incapacitating him. The cop reacted quickly, throwing his head back and cracking Alan on the bridge of his nose.
Alan had been expecting the move, however, and ducked away in enough time to avoid a broken nose. He grabbed the cop by his neck and slammed his head down roughly on the edge of the bed, making sure to connect with the metal framing. The cop was out instantly, and Alan caught his falling body before it could hit the ground and make any noise.
Patting him down, he found the concealed gun easily, checked to make sure it was fully loaded, and slid it into the waistband of the pants he had changed into about an hour ago. His personal effects had been left in the closet of his room, and while his shirt was beyond repair, his jeans had been fine. He dragged the body of the cop over to the bathroom and stripped him of his baggy outer-shirt before locking him in. He had no idea if the cop was even alive or not, but he wasn’t taking any chances. And thankfully, the shirt fit him.
A moment later, Alan was walking confidently out of his own darkened hospital room. So far, so good…
* * * * * * * * *
Noah awoke with a start, and he wasn’t sure why. The last thing he remembered was turning on Casey’s DVD player to watch Animal Crackers. Not his favorite Marx Brothers movie- you just can’t top Duck Soup- but this one did have that brilliant Harpo ending with the silverware that always used to make him laugh.
Now the screen was dark with the DVD logo bouncing around slowly, and Noah had to admit he was disappointed. Part of him had put this particular movie on just to see if it would get him laughing; he wasn’t sure if he was capable of that anymore. And now he’d missed the opportunity.
He wondered what time it was and where Luke was, but he just couldn’t get himself to turn his head and look at the clock or the rest of the room. It would take so much energy to move, and Noah wasn’t sure how much energy he had left. To do anything. Putting up a semi-brave face for the doctors and the Snyders was slowly draining him.
The appearance of that shrink this morning might have been the straw to break the emotionally-crippled camel’s back. It was like the Perfect Storm- not a question of if but a question of when. Noah was this close to a complete internal explosion, and he really hoped when it happened that he didn’t accidentally take out any innocent bystanders with flying debris. Please God, just don’t let Luke get hurt by it.
He still wasn’t sure what had woken him up this time. Then he felt a hand on his wrist, slowly sliding up his arm. “Luke?” He blinked heavily, still half-asleep, and finally managed to turn his body so he was on his back and facing upwards. And that’s when he saw the figure standing over him.
Alan.
He bolted upright, trying to get anywhere but here, but an arm slammed into his chest and forcefully pushed him down until he was flat on his back again. Noah opened his mouth to scream- and it definitely would have been a scream- but the living, breathing nightmare slapped a large hand over his mouth, effectively silencing him. He still tried to struggle, tried to yell, but was suddenly frozen into silence when Alan leaned over him, getting in his face. Getting too close.
“Noah… Did you think I was finished with you?”
TO BE CONTINUED! Coming Up: A stand-off at the hospital, Luke tries to stop a bad situation from getting worse, Noah admits he needs help...
Chapter: 9/15
Author: carolinablu85, also known as CarolinaBlue on vh.net or CarolinaBlu on the wiki (I know, I'm a fountain of creative names)
Pairing: Luke/Noah
Rating: PG 13-ish , mentions of abuse and non-con moments (not graphic)
Spoilers: set in spring 2009, after Luke and Noah battle housing discrimination but before Damian/evil twins. Thus, before the Colonel came back from the dead last year
Summary: Alan makes an appearance, Noah meets Marcus, Jack gives Luke and Holden some bad news.
Disclaimer: I disclaim. I own a pair of sneakers, a cellphone, and some other stuff. The show? Nope, not that.
Author's Note: The first major 'epic' story I ever wrote (and finished)!
Chapter 1 / Chapter 2 / Chapter 3 / Chapter 4 / Chapter 5 / Chapter 6 / Chapter 7 / Chapter 8
Instinctively, before he even opened his eyes, he knew he was in a hospital. At the moment he wasn’t sure why, or how long he’d been there, but there was no mistaking that sterile, chemical smell. Or the beeping of monitors and machines around him. Damn it, what had he gotten himself into this time?
He cracked his eyes open warily, and was more than a little relieved to find himself alone in the room. Pretty nondescript hospital room, from what he could tell. Nothing out the window gave him any indication of where he was. Oakdale maybe? It made the most sense. After he was done assessing his surroundings, it was time to assess himself. His side hurt like hell, and he had to wonder if it was broken ribs or something else.
The bandages around his midsection told him it was something else. He gave the wound an experimental touch and nearly yelled out loud at the pain that radiated from it. But the pain also made him focus, and suddenly all the memories of the past few days came rushing back to him. The kidnapping, the cabin, the basement… Alan smirked to himself at the thought of the basement. God, if only he’d had one more day.
No, he couldn’t dwell on that right now. There were obviously more pressing issues, namely the shadowy figure standing right outside of his door. If he was under guard that meant he was in a regular civilian hospital, and they’d be taking him to lockup as soon as he was discharged. He needed to find a way out of here before then.
He wondered briefly where the Colonel and Tim were, but dismissed them just as quickly. Either they were dead, arrested, or gone. Whatever the case, they weren’t here. Alan was on his own. Another glance out the window told him he was on at least the fourth floor. That meant no escape that way. He’d have to find-
Footsteps and voices outside the door alerted Alan, and in that split second he went with his gut (so to speak), laying back on the bed and closing his eyes. Better for people to think he was weaker than he actually was. Underestimate him. It was the easiest way to gain an advantage. He kept himself perfectly still as the door opened and footfalls- 3 sets, he could tell- came closer.
“He should be coming off the sedative soon, Doctor Hughes,” a deep voice said in warning. “Do you want to keep him doped up?”
“Yes,” another man’s voice answered. He sounded older, very gentle and folksy. Like a cross between Andy Griffith and a Muppet. “Yes, for as long as possible. It might be a few more days, Dallas, before we can release him to you.”
“That’s fine,” a third mad replied. His voice was younger, confident. “We’ve got a nice, depressing cell waiting for him at the station. Then the Feds will transfer him to a Maximum Security prison somewhere out-of-state.”
A nurse, a doctor, and a cop, Alan told himself, refraining from adding 'walk into a bar...' in his head. Now was not the time. He refused to react to the cop’s words, though the idea of a stint in maximum security sent a shot of fear through him that momentarily overrode the pain in his side.
“Out of state?” the second voice- the doctor- questioned curiously.
“We might be pulling some strings there,” the cop admitted. “All four men are going to separate max securities, but we want this guy as far away from Noah as possible.”
Alan almost- almost- reacted to the name. So, the cop (and maybe the doctor) knew Noah? And they had found him, obviously. And he was alive, wherever he was. Alan was half-tempted to blow his cover and ask how Noah was, but wisened up at the last second. Not yet.
“How long you standing guard today, Dallas?” the first voice asked.
“Just till six. Then it’s back to the station till midnight.” Six hour shifts. Changing of the guard at the top and bottom of the clock. Alan filed that info away. This fake-sedation was paying off nicely. “So how’s Noah doing, Doc?” the cop asked. For a second Alan stopped breathing, held his breath so he wouldn’t dare miss the answer.
“Better,” the doctor seemed a little cautious in saying. “I was going to talk to him today about being released day after tomorrow, maybe the next if he’s up for it. He’s been managing to walk around a little, with Luke’s help of course.”
“Of course,” Dallas echoed, and Alan could hear the smile in his words. But Alan was too keyed up to really register that. Noah was here. The kid was here in the same hospital. Damn. Maybe he was tempting fate here, but he couldn’t help it. His original plans for escape flew out the proverbial window, and new ideas started to form.
The male nurse and Dallas continued talking as the doctor left, and Alan was grateful for that. It meant the nurse was distracted enough not to notice that his patient was pinching the IV tube where it rested under his hand. So any sedative they administered was useless…
* * * * * * * * * * * *
Noah shifted on the bed with a restless groan, aimlessly flipping through the four static-plagued channels the TV offered. Nothing on the stations had changed in the last two minutes since he had turned the TV on, and Noah found that to be unreasonably unfair. He had always had the innate ability to tell if he was going to like something within two minutes of watching it (it took him two minutes to fall in love with Luke), and nothing he had seen on TV in the last day and a half had managed to capture his attention.
Now that he was spending more and more time awake, he was growing more and more impatient to leave. He hated being on this bed, with the door right here for anyone to walk in or out of (except him). He felt like he was on display for everyone to see, a mummy in a museum. He didn’t like so many people looking at him, touching him, when he was… like this. Why did they have to keep looking at him like that? As if they could fix him?
He shifted in the bed again, wincing at the pull of sore muscles. Doctor Hughes and Doctor Stewart had insisted he start exercising and walking around to get his strength back. Noah had to admit, it had felt good to get out of bed. But the only thing that bothered him more than being in this bed was getting out of the room. Too many people, too much noise, and Noah couldn’t concentrate on protecting himself. There were too many ways he was left vulnerable. Honestly, if it weren’t for Luke wrapping an arm around his waist and walking alongside him, he probably would have run straight back into the room and locked the door.
Luke was the thing that kept him sane. Kept him safe. The other Snyders tried, and Noah appreciated and loved them for trying, but they could only do so much. Luke was the only one who knew how to chase his panic away. Luke still refused to leave at night, still slept on the cot next to his bed.
Noah could not be more ashamed and more grateful for that. He could handle being alone during the day- he was alone right now- but at night with the dim lights and muted sounds, Luke was there ready and able to convince him he wasn’t still locked up in the basement.
A knock startled him out of his thoughts. He waited, but the door didn’t open. That confused him. No one knocked and waited for his permission to enter. The doctors and nurses just barged in like they owned the place (which, okay, was pretty close to the truth). The Snyders and his other visitors always knocked, but it was more of a signal that they were coming in instead of a request. In his head, Noah actually refused to refer to it as ‘his’ room, because how could it be his if he had no control over it?
Another knock. He was almost tempted to exercise his right to refuse entry, but that seemed rude. What if it was Emma? “Come in?” he called out tentatively, still getting used to using his vocal chords at such a volume.
Noah didn’t recognize the man who entered, and that immediately put him on edge. Though he did remind Noah a little of an older Tom Hughes, and a lot of Rex Harrison. Idly, he tried to remember the last time he had watched the original Dr. Dolittle movie. A long time, he guessed. Then he realized the man was speaking. Noah shook his head to clear it and looked at the stranger questioningly.
“I was just making sure you are in fact Noah Mayer,” the man said, his voice low and pleasant. It was a nice voice. It helped Noah feel safe enough to nod in return, though he was still suspicious. His name was on every chart in this room and the door outside. Who was this guy? The man smiled calmly. “I’m Dr. Weston. And I do already know your name, but I felt like making a proper introduction. Just because I know your name doesn’t mean I know you, get what I’m saying?”
Noah stared at him incredulously, wondering if Dr. Bob had stuck him on some new hallucinogenic drug. The man- Dr. Weston- pulled up a chair to Noah’s bed, but still sat well outside the range of Noah’s personal space, which he grudgingly appreciated.
“Okay. Well, Noah, Dr. Hughes asked me to consult on your case; I’m a sort of… recovery specialist. I’m not here to do anything today, I just wanted a chance to meet you and for you to meet me before we work together.”
Noah nodded hesitantly. This guy was like no other doctor he had ever met before, and it made him nervous. How did he know this guy was for real, wasn’t…? “Where’s Dr. Hughes?” he asked quietly, his fingers slowly moving to the call button by the bed.
Dr. Weston noticed the movement but didn’t react. “He’s out to lunch with Kim right now. Though, as you know, Bob has been ‘out to lunch’ for most of his life.” He smiled a little wider, genuinely, and Noah cautiously brought his hand back away from the call button. Dr. Weston grew serious then. “Noah. I’m not going to tell you to trust me, because that would be stupid, but-”
“You’re a shrink,” Noah realized, his slight panic at that outweighing his embarrassment for interrupting. Of course he was a shrink. His tone, his understanding smile, his casual clothing. A ‘recovery specialist?’
Dr. Weston looked started for a second before smiling again. “Yes, I am.” He watched, impressed in spite of himself, as Noah folded inwards, almost seeming to shrink into the bed and pull away from him without ever actually moving.
“Please go,” Noah requested quietly. He was done talking. This was not what he wanted. He didn’t know this man, couldn’t trust him. No matter how much he looked like Professor Higgins.
Dr. Weston wasn’t about to give up yet. “Noah, I’d like for you to come see me sometime soon. My office is right downst-”
“Go. Please.” Noah didn’t care that he interrupted the man this time. His hand, now shaking, started to reach again for the call button.
Dr. Weston nodded, understanding that he couldn’t push it now. He stood carefully, backing away to the door. “I’m sorry to upset you, but I really think I can help you, Noah. And I think you know you need the help.” But Noah was done talking, now staring at a TV screen that had more static than picture on it.
Marcus wondered if there was something symbolic in that as he left, closing the door behind him. “Well,” he said, turning to greet the half a dozen pairs of eyes staring at him, “that went about as well as I expected it to.”
Luke’s angry gaze was the first to grab his attention. “I really wish you had told me first, instead of ambushing him like that,” the young man accused.
“Luke,” Lily rebuked half-heartedly. Marcus got the feeling he was witnessing a discussion that had been going on since he introduced himself to the Snyders fifteen minutes ago.
Luke didn’t look away from Dr. Weston. “I could have talked to him about it first, prepared him a little. He trusts me, he doesn’t-”
“Luke,” Dr. Weston gently interrupted. “You and I can’t make these decisions for Noah, as much as we’d like to. It has to be between me and him. He has to have complete control.”
Luke’s conviction weakened a little at that. “But-”
“Think about it, son,” Marcus continued. “Last week Noah lost control of everything in his life. But he didn’t just lose it, it was all taken from him forcibly.” He waited for Luke to nod in understanding before speaking again. “Now, my job is going to be to help Noah get that power back. To do that, it has to be just him and me.” He smiled then, trying to soften the blow. “You’re helping him so much, and doing a great job of it. Now it’s my turn. The best thing you can do for him is to let me do my job, my way.”
Luke studied him seriously for a moment. Marcus met the stare calmly, suddenly feeling like he was getting a dressing-down from Lucinda Walsh. This was her grandson after all, though the woman herself stood just behind him. Dear God, what was he getting himself into with this family?
He knew he liked Noah, had felt it the moment he sat down and met Noah’s gaze and could see the young man trapped inside. But, really, did it have to involve Oakdale’s most… present family? There seemed to be Snyders everywhere he turned! But he had to admit he was glad too. It meant Noah had a great support system, something he would definitely need.
Luke nodded to himself, and Marcus wondered if he had passed whatever test he had just taken. “I’m going to go sit with him,” the boy told his parents, holding up the large bag he had in his hands. “Casey dropped off his DVD player, so…”
“Go ahead,” Holden nodded, couldn’t help but smile at his son’s protective streak. It couldn’t be genetic, because Luke definitely got it from him.
Once Luke disappeared into Noah’s room, Marcus followed the rest of them back to the waiting room. “Well?” Lucinda’s voice was made to carry across the Grand Canyon, but Marcus was struck by the note of worry, of softness, he heard in that one word. He was a little surprised by it. Obviously, Lucinda wasn’t just indulging her grandson, her grandson’s boyfriend. She genuinely cared about this kid. And if Lucinda Walsh was in Noah’s corner, then Marcus had to take the job.
He put on his professional face, turning his attention back to the matter at hand. He reminded himself that therapists don’t sigh in public. “It’s not going to be easy. Bob was right when he said Noah has built up some walls…” the affectionately sad smiles from the adults told him they agreed, probably knew from experience.
He was feeling even more curious, more compelled to get involved because of it. “But he does need help. He’s very anxious, uncomfortable in his own skin. I don’t…” How much did these people know about Noah’s full condition? “I don’t think he’s fully acknowledging everything that happened to him. When he does, it won’t be pretty. The longer he puts it off, the worse it will be.”
“You don’t think he’d… hurt himself, do you?” Lily ventured. The other older woman with them, he remembered her name was Emma, took a deep shuddering breath at the thought.
Marcus shook his head. “From the short time I spent in there, no, I don’t see that happening. Not physically, at least.”
“Whoa- what does that mean?” The other woman burst out with before she could stop herself. Her name was Janet, she was married to Holden’s cousin, who was a cop. Marcus decided he was going to have to make a chart to remember all these people.
“He’s cutting himself off,” he explained. “Or he will. Shut down. Find some way to escape everything.”
“He’ll run away,” Holden murmured. Marcus stored that comment away in his brain for later thought, especially considering the fact that Lily and Lucinda nodded knowingly in agreement.
“Well Marcus, I assume this means you’re stepping up as Noah’s doctor?” Lucinda asked him, watching him with that laser focus and steely determination.
Marcus could remember a time when he had actually been afraid of this woman. “Lucinda, if you even have to ask…” She smirked at him before turning to the rest of the family, her face melting into a real smile then.
“When will you start?” Lily pressed on, clasping Holden’s hand in relief.
Marcus looked around reassuringly at all of them. “Twenty-five minutes ago.”
* * * * * * * * * * * *
A few hours later, Luke was telling himself not to panic. Just because Noah hadn’t been in his room when Luke and Holden had come back from getting lunch, just because none of the doctors or nurses or Snyders had seen him leave, just because there was no trace of him anywhere in the hospital… that was not cause to panic.
If Alison’s suggestion of checking the roof didn’t work, then he would panic. This, what he was feeling right now, this was not panic. This was merely… elevated emotional anxiety. Not panic. He burst through the final door onto the rooftop. “Noah?!” Okay, maybe a little panic.
“Hey.” Noah was there. Noah was there, sitting on the edge of the roof but facing in towards the hospital. He looked at Luke, that scary-blank expression he’d had since being rescued still in place. Luke hated that expression.
“Oh, Jesus,” Luke took a second to catch his breath, the immediate relief nearly knocking him off his feet. “Noah…” He crossed over to his boyfriend in 2.2 seconds, nearly tripping over his own feet in his haste. Forgetting to be gentle, he grabbed Noah and pulled him into a fierce hug.
Noah stiffened initially, but gradually relaxed into the embrace, his own arms coming up to wrap around Luke’s waist tentatively. “Luke?”
Luke wasn’t necessarily ready to let go, but he knew Noah probably wasn’t ready for one of their marathon hugs. He tried to ease off, but couldn’t completely. His hands came up to cradle either side of Noah’s face. It was still too pale, even more so in the natural light. Luke wondered how much rest Noah was actually getting. “You scared the crap out of me, babe. You weren’t in your room.”
Noah looked back at him confused for a moment before realization struck. “Sorry. Didn’t think I’d be gone that long.”
Luke nodded, tried to accept that, and told his heart and lungs that Noah was okay (relatively) and to calm the hell down. “What are you doing up here?” he asked softly.
Noah’s shoulders lifted just enough to constitute a shrug. “Wanted to be outside.” He hadn’t been outside in such a long time. He had just wanted to feel sunlight for awhile, take in real moving air, an actually breeze. It almost felt unreal, he’d been without it for so long. He sensed more than saw (when had he closed his eyes?) Luke nodding as he took a seat next to him on the ledge. Luke’s hand on his shoulder had him opening his eyes again, and he was semi-thrown by the look of understanding on Luke’s face.
“It’s been awhile, huh?” Luke’s voice was still quiet, and this time he was much more cautious as he put an arm around Noah and pulled him a little closer.
He nodded, telling himself it was okay, nobody was touching him in a way he didn’t want. This was Luke, for God’s sake. Noah had to prove to himself that nothing was wrong, so he laid his head down against Luke’s shoulder. It was a little awkward at first, but when he felt Luke kiss his hair, he breathed out a tiny sigh of relief. He could do this, he could try to be normal. “Sorry I made you freak out.”
Another light kiss. “Freak out? Me? No way, I was just… making sure you weren’t skipping out on the hospital bill.” Noah twitched for a second in what was probably supposed to be a chuckle, but remained quiet. He was still so quiet, and it worried Luke more than a little. And he was also a bit disturbed that Noah didn’t make any mention of the cost of his hospital stay or worry how he would pay for it.
Of course, Lucinda had already taken care of everything, but Noah didn’t know that. And he also didn’t ask. Luke found himself actually wishing they could have an argument about money right now, just to hear some life in Noah’s voice. “Just, next time you want to go for a walk, can you tell someone? No one will stop you, we just want to know where you are.”
Noah nodded again, eyes closing once more. He was breathing deeply and evenly, for probably the first time since he had woken up. Luke made a silent vow to bring him up here every time they went for a walk from now on until he was released.
Speaking of silence… “Have you thought any more about going to see Dr. Weston?” he asked cautiously. Since that unsuccessful first meeting early this morning, Luke had tried- and failed- to talk to Noah about going to therapy. He backed off soon enough, knowing it was something Noah would want to go over in his own head first. And Dr. Weston’s words to him after leaving Noah’s room had had a surprisingly strong effect- it would help Noah to decide for himself. Luke remembered his own experience with therapy and knew the doctor was right. Noah had to make these decisions on his own.
Noah shrugged again, and Luke told himself not to get frustrated. “Okay. Since I’m not sure if that means ‘yes’ or ‘no,’ I’m going to-”
“Do you remember the last time we were up here?” Wow. Not only was Noah speaking a complete sentence- subject and predicate and everything- but he was also interrupting. Luke was very surprised he hadn’t fallen off the damn building.
He took a breath, concentrating on the actual question. The last time they had been up here…? Oh. Crap. When Casey and Ali had locked them out so they had to talk to each other. Not one of his favorite memories ever. “Yeah, I remember,” he answered simply, letting Noah take the lead on this conversation. Hell, Noah could recite the Gettysburg Address right now and he’d take it as a victory.
“It was cold.”
Then again, if Noah was going to talk about the weather, maybe he would have to take the lead back. “It was January, love.”
The tiny movement against his shoulder might have been a nod. “I told you… told you we were both too messed up to be in a relationship together. That we needed to work on ourselves before we could…”
Okay. So. This is what panic feels like. “Noah, what are you trying to tell me?” He wanted to bring Noah’s face back up to his so they could look at each other, but with the way Noah avoided eye contact lately he knew that could only make the situation worse. So he simply held his breath, terrified.
“I’m more messed up than I’ve ever been, Luke. I c-can’t ask you to…” His voice was like sandpaper rubbing against Luke’s skin. It hurt, and he wondered if just listening to someone’s voice could make you bleed.
“You’re not asking me. I’m asking you. To try to get better, to believe you can get better. You, being with you, is what I want. No matter what.” Luke made sure his grip around Noah remained firm. “You’re not hurting me in any way, Noah Mayer. You’re stuck with me.”
“But…” Noah might have shaken his head, Luke wasn’t sure through the shaking his own body was doing. “What if this is it? What if this is me now?” Almost a whisper: “What if I can’t be good enough anymore?”
He wrapped both arms around his boyfriend now, his chin resting against the top of his dark head. He wanted to talk about that whole ‘good enough’ problem, but knew that was an issue probably best left to Dr. Weston. So he went with the first question instead. “Do you remember us on the porch at the farm, you telling me that my paralysis wasn’t a done deal? That I shouldn’t accept it as the way things had to be?” He didn’t wait for Noah to respond. “You were the one who convinced me to just try. And because of you and physical therapy-” he tried very hard not to stress the word therapy- “I did get better. And stronger for it. Now it’s your turn to let me convince you.”
Noah was silent for a few minutes, but Luke was encouraged by the fact that he was holding on to Luke as tightly as Luke was holding on to him. He should have known Noah was going to have this freakout. His mom had told him of Dr. Weston’s warning about Noah pulling away from everyone. But this was Noah; Noah was always throwing curve balls. Even with this episode, it almost felt like he was giving Luke the option to leave him because he thought he should, not because he wanted Luke to go.
But Noah still wasn’t responding, and Luke decided against pushing any further. “You don’t have to make any decisions right now, okay? No one on this roof is expecting anything from you.” Noah’s grip tightened just a fraction. Luke took that as his version of a laugh. And Luke would take whatever he could get right now. Whatever Noah could give.
“I do love you,” Noah’s voice just barely carried over the wind, just the tiniest bit insistent, proving Luke’s theory right.
“I know you do,” Luke whispered just as quietly. “I love you too.”
“I know.”
* * * * * * * * * * * *
Luke and Holden were just exiting Noah’s room when Jack hurried up to them, out of breath and concerned. “Janet said Noah was-”
“We found him,” Luke cut in, assuring him. He studied Jack curiously, wondering why he looked so freaked out.
Holden was wondering too. “It’s okay, Luke found him on the roof a few hours ago. He was just getting some fresh air; you can’t blame the guy, really.” Luke hid a smile- his dad sounded cool and collected now, but he had gone into a full on Papa Bear mode after they had discovered Noah’s empty bed.
Best of all, he had given Noah one of his patented Holden-Snyder-I’m-stern-because-I-care lectures when Luke had brought him back from the roof. The expression on Noah’s face had been the most Noah-like that Luke had seen since this nightmare started, another thing that gave him hope.
Jack’s next words brought Luke back to the present. “You can’t let him go wandering around on his own right now,” Jack told them forcefully.
Luke narrowed his eyes, getting a little defensive. Whatever Noah needed, Noah was going to get. “Why not? He needs to be up and walking, doctor’s orders. And I’m not going to let him be locked up in a room again.”
“Luke,” Jack sighed. “Just… just trust me. Please. Don’t let Noah go around the hospital by himself.”
The look in Jack’s eyes scared Holden a little, and he had to press the issue. “Come on Jack, you gotta give us a little more than that. What’s going on?”
Jack looked at both of them seriously for a moment before dragging them over to a more private corner of the hallway, still in view of Noah’s door. “Okay. I’m technically not allowed to tell you this, but… Alan Reddik? He’s here, being treated at this hospital.”
“What?” Luke’s voice came out as a whisper, but it still echoed for miles. “I thought he was dead.”
“Alan’s the one who…?” Holden had to ask. At both Jack and Luke’s somber nods, he closed his eyes, took a deep breath, then refocused on his cousin. “He’s here?”
Jack nodded again. “I’m sorry. I only just found out. Margo told me he had survived the shooting, but since I was pulled off that part of the case, I-”
“Why were you pulled off?” Holden interrupted, confused.
“It’s procedure,” Jack explained. “I was the one who shot Alan in the confrontation.” Holden and Luke looked shocked at that, but Jack waved away their reactions preemptively. “Internal Affairs cleared me, but I’m not allowed to work the case anymore.”
“You shot him?” Luke asked, voice going slightly high-pitched.
Jack tried to smile and failed spectacularly. “Yeah. Then I find out this morning he’s being treated here. And then Janet tells me Noah went missing from his room and…” he took a slow, calming breath. “I don’t know if you want to tell him or not, but I guess you two should be aware.”
“Can’t you have him taken somewhere else? Anywhere else? Siberia?” Luke was getting really tired of getting hysterical. He needed a damn vacation. Him and Noah, white sandy beaches, crystal-blue oceans, bathing suits optional. One tiny compartment of Luke’s brain that wasn’t dealing with this current crisis started to plan the trip.
“Not till the docs clear him, Luke. I tried, believe me. But we’ve got guys posted at his door at all times, okay? We’re taking care of it.”
“Can you put another guy outside Noah’s room?” Holden asked, his own eyes straying to the door, worried.
“No. They thought about it but decided not to.” Jack hated the fact that he kept bearing bad news to his family.
“Why the hell not?” Luke demanded. Holden put a hand on his shoulder, both in comfort and in warning for the language.
“Think about it Luke- do you think it’s really wise to put an armed man standing guard outside Noah’s room? You said it yourself, he’d feel trapped all over again. And on a tactical side, if Alan were to somehow escape and if he went looking for Noah, a cop standing outside the door would be a dead giveaway of his location.” Jack put his hand on Luke’s other shoulder briefly. “Trust me. We’re doing everything we can. And anyway, just two more days and Noah will be going home, right?”
“Right,” Luke answered, recognizing the logic behind Jack’s reasoning but feeling no where near satisfied.
“Have you talked to him about Emma’s suggestion?” Jack turned to Holden.
“What suggestion?” Luke looked back and forth between them.
“Mama wondered if Noah might want to move to the farm when he’s released from the hospital. Just for a little while, while he’s recuperating,” Holden told his son. Luke raised his eyebrows but didn’t immediately balk at the idea, so Holden continued. “It’ll be nice and quiet there, lots of open space and not a lot of people. She already made up his old room for him, just in case.”
Luke was silent for a long moment, chewing on his bottom lip. Noah move to the farm? “You… just decided all this? Without talking to me?”
Smiling, Holden tried to put Luke at ease. “No one has decided anything. Mama had the idea this morning. I was going to talk to both of you about it, but then Noah wasn’t in his room and we were running around and… It’ll be up to Noah, of course.”
“With Meg and Eliza staying at Paul’s, it’s just Emma, Janet, and me at the house,” Jack spoke up. “I can’t guarantee that Emma and Janet won’t try to mother the hell out of him, but maybe that’s what he needs. And he won’t feel crowded if he needs a break, you know?”
Luke nodded, still mulling it over, and Holden couldn’t hold back his grin any longer. Sometimes his son was so transparent. “Mama set up your old room too, Luke. You didn’t think we’d be stupid enough to separate you two, did you?”
Luke let out the breath he’d unconsciously been holding. “For a second, yeah. I did,” he grumbled sheepishly. Now that he thought about it rationally, he realized the two of them at the farm was a perfect idea; it was the place Noah always ended up after a fiasco with the Colonel. Okay, score one for Grandma Emma.
“I should probably be the one to talk to him about it,” he mused out loud. Holden and Jack nodded their agreement, following him back down the hallway to Noah’s room. Luke couldn’t help but glance around suspiciously as they approached the door. Alan was here somewhere. Too close.
The three Snyders paused in the doorway, looking in. Noah was asleep, face turned towards the TV that was about halfway through playing some old black-and-white movie. Luke vaguely remembered watching it with Noah before- what was it called? Animal Crackers or something like that? It was also one of Noah’s self-proclaimed “chicken soup films,” one he would watch when he really needed the comfort.
“Why don’t we got out to Al’s and get some dinner? Let him sleep,” Holden suggested quietly. God knows Noah needed the rest. Luke had told him about Noah waking up frequently during the night, as though he couldn’t let himself fully relax. As though he’d fall asleep and wake up back in that damn cabin. Holden shook his head, then realized Luke was doing the same.
“I can’t leave the hospital right now. Not after…” Luke nodded his head towards Jack.
Jack took a step forward, tried to look reassuring. “Luke-”
“No, I know. I know he’s under guard wherever he is and Noah’s safe, but… I can’t go just yet. If we went to Al’s I’d be too freaked out to eat anyway.”
“Okay, we can compromise,” Holden held up a hand. “How about a trip down to the cafeteria? Stale pizza, bad coffee, that sound good?”
“Yes. Great,” Luke answered enthusiastically, not caring if they teased him. As long as he got his way. One more glance at his sleeping boyfriend, and they headed down the hallway. Just two more days…
* * * * * * * * * * * *
It was now or never. Almost 6pm. He was being released any day now, he just wasn’t sure exactly when. It wasn’t like he could ask. In the last thirty-six hours since he had woken up, every time a nurse or doc entered to sedate him again he pretended to be asleep, pinching the IV tube under the cover of his blanket so the staff would never know. Just before they were due back, he’d remove his IV, drain out the fluids so it looked like the sedative was used up, then reattach the tubing. It paid to be a former Army medic, that was for damn sure.
He was off the heart monitors and any other machine that checked his status. All he had to do was take out the IV and he’d be ready to go. It was now or never. 6pm- the guard shift change was taking place.
Alan eased his way out of the bed, testing his muscle strength. He had been working them up to a steady condition in the dead of every night, determined to be in good physical form in case his escape got… a little out of hand. He snuck over to the door and peered out through the blinds at the small window. The two cops were talking, chatting lightly, until one finally walked off, leaving a young dark-skinned man behind. Alan wondered if one of the two of them was the Dallas that had been in his room when he woke up. Not that it mattered.
He shifted lightly on the balls of his feet, waiting. Sure enough, the door opened inward slowly as the cop came in to check on the prisoner. Alan waited for the guy to flip on the light switch before making his move. He slammed the door shut with his arm and grabbed the cop from behind, incapacitating him. The cop reacted quickly, throwing his head back and cracking Alan on the bridge of his nose.
Alan had been expecting the move, however, and ducked away in enough time to avoid a broken nose. He grabbed the cop by his neck and slammed his head down roughly on the edge of the bed, making sure to connect with the metal framing. The cop was out instantly, and Alan caught his falling body before it could hit the ground and make any noise.
Patting him down, he found the concealed gun easily, checked to make sure it was fully loaded, and slid it into the waistband of the pants he had changed into about an hour ago. His personal effects had been left in the closet of his room, and while his shirt was beyond repair, his jeans had been fine. He dragged the body of the cop over to the bathroom and stripped him of his baggy outer-shirt before locking him in. He had no idea if the cop was even alive or not, but he wasn’t taking any chances. And thankfully, the shirt fit him.
A moment later, Alan was walking confidently out of his own darkened hospital room. So far, so good…
* * * * * * * * *
Noah awoke with a start, and he wasn’t sure why. The last thing he remembered was turning on Casey’s DVD player to watch Animal Crackers. Not his favorite Marx Brothers movie- you just can’t top Duck Soup- but this one did have that brilliant Harpo ending with the silverware that always used to make him laugh.
Now the screen was dark with the DVD logo bouncing around slowly, and Noah had to admit he was disappointed. Part of him had put this particular movie on just to see if it would get him laughing; he wasn’t sure if he was capable of that anymore. And now he’d missed the opportunity.
He wondered what time it was and where Luke was, but he just couldn’t get himself to turn his head and look at the clock or the rest of the room. It would take so much energy to move, and Noah wasn’t sure how much energy he had left. To do anything. Putting up a semi-brave face for the doctors and the Snyders was slowly draining him.
The appearance of that shrink this morning might have been the straw to break the emotionally-crippled camel’s back. It was like the Perfect Storm- not a question of if but a question of when. Noah was this close to a complete internal explosion, and he really hoped when it happened that he didn’t accidentally take out any innocent bystanders with flying debris. Please God, just don’t let Luke get hurt by it.
He still wasn’t sure what had woken him up this time. Then he felt a hand on his wrist, slowly sliding up his arm. “Luke?” He blinked heavily, still half-asleep, and finally managed to turn his body so he was on his back and facing upwards. And that’s when he saw the figure standing over him.
Alan.
He bolted upright, trying to get anywhere but here, but an arm slammed into his chest and forcefully pushed him down until he was flat on his back again. Noah opened his mouth to scream- and it definitely would have been a scream- but the living, breathing nightmare slapped a large hand over his mouth, effectively silencing him. He still tried to struggle, tried to yell, but was suddenly frozen into silence when Alan leaned over him, getting in his face. Getting too close.
“Noah… Did you think I was finished with you?”
TO BE CONTINUED! Coming Up: A stand-off at the hospital, Luke tries to stop a bad situation from getting worse, Noah admits he needs help...