Fic: Hold My Silence (chap 4)
Title: Hold My Silence
Author: casy_dee
Rating: T
Characters/Pairing: Connor/Abby
Spoiler: Series 3
Warning: Angst, Mentions of abuse. I don't get graphic, but it is plainly stated.
Genre: Romance, Angst, Hurt/Comfort
Summary: Abby has secrets in her past, but is it right to keep them there? Can Connor accept it? Set in the Cretaceous...
Part: 4/?
Chapter one is here
Chapter two is here
Chapter three is here
Chapter Four of Hold My Silence is Behind The Cut
Chapter 4
*bites nails* Hope you like it...
She had fallen asleep next to Connor. Not like she had since they had been trapped here, lying next to him on a separate pallet. Really next to Connor… as in wrapped in his arms. She shifted so that she could see his face more clearly; she liked watching him sleep. He really was handsome, even dirty and bruised and with a couple of weeks growth of facial hair; she wondered how she could have missed it for so long. Well, she hadn't missed it exactly. She had just ignored it. Abby was an expert at ignoring things she'd rather not face. She had been able to ignore her feelings about Connor for years.
Oh, god. She'd told him everything. Oh god, oh god, oh god.
What would she do now? What now?
She started when his eyes opened and focused on her. He gave her a sleepy smile and closed his eyes again.
"Good dream," he murmured.
Maybe she could just pretend it had never happened. Connor would probably go along with it. Maybe. She thought back to his adamant refusal to let her use him as an excuse to not tell him about her childhood and wasn't so sure. Connor could be outright stubborn about certain things, and it appeared that whatever it was that was between them had become one of those things.
She got up and left the cave to relieve herself, at least that's what Connor would think. She needed time to think. Time alone… without Connor confusing her worse than she already was. If she was lucky, he would sleep a while longer. Not likely, though.
She decided to go down to the base of the waterfall and check their traps to see if there was anything edible in them. Connor had said that as far as prehistoric eras were concerned, they had gotten pretty lucky. The Cretaceous had a far more varied and diverse lifeforms than the Jurassic. The presence of raptors meant they were in the late Cretaceous, according to Connor. A very few small mammals, mollusks, teleost fishes, and some recognizable insects developed during this era. Unfortunately, dinosaurs were the most common of all life forms. Large ones, small ones, mean ones and slightly less mean. Regardless of variety, it meant they had to constantly be on guard.
Connor would be sick with worry if he knew she was going all the way down to the base of the waterfall alone, and without even bothering to tell him. And he would be right. She really wasn't thinking clearly. If she died, Connor would be all alone. That's what he had told her when he dragged her out off the river. He'd said "don't leave me alone." He told her afterwards that if she had died, then he might as well be dead, as well. It had nearly broken her heart. It was then that she decided she had to tell him, no matter what the cost.
It wasn't fair to tell her that. It was as good as saying he would kill himself if she died. Now she felt like anytime she took a risk, she was taking it with both their lives. It was dirty and underhanded of him, but effective nonetheless. She didn't doubt his sincerity, either. That was the worst part. He had meant it, and she believed he had told her for the sole purpose of shocking her into paying attention to her surroundings.
She settled on the ledge outside their cave, dangling her feet over the steep drop off. She'd wait, and tell him she needed to think. He'd give her space, as long as she asked for it. She laughed to herself wryly; being stuck back in the past with Connor left her little choice but to face her problems and deal with them. No more burying her head in the sand. It seemed almost a shame… she had gotten very good at it.
Connor stirred in the cave, he rarely slept long past her waking. Back home Connor could sleep through anything, but here he slept lightly. He was changing… already different somehow… In the beginning, he had optimistically expected the rest of the team to find them. They hadn't ceased to exist, so they both assumed that Danny had succeeded in stopping Helen. It only stood to reason that help would be on the way. But it hadn't come.
By day three Connor had stopped talking about getting rescued and had begun talking about survival. He still maintained that they would be rescued, but if they waited around for it they would likely not survive long enough to be rescued. Of course, by day three he was able to walk on his own again and she suspected that his patience for waiting around for anything was gone. Connor was no fun at all when he was injured.
It wasn't that he had complained about it, because he hadn't. He'd said he was fine anytime she asked. Connor just wasn't will suited for inactivity; his mind never stopped working, but he was unable to do anything without getting help. Luckily there was not a chauvinistic bone in his body, and he let Abby help him without getting his ego bruised. She had tried not to snap at him when he asked for help, but she was so scared that it just came out that way. After that, he stopped asking for her help so much, he just struggled to do it all on his own.
She didn't know how to take it back. She'd never been good with expressing how she felt, that's why she liked her lizards so much. They never cared that she was a psychological mess, they just loved her. Connor never called her on it, although he should have. Once he had been able to move around on his own again, things had gone back to what served as normal between them… until she fell in the river.
She'd spilled everything to him, and now she couldn't take it back. He'd handled it differently than she thought he would. She thought he'd want nothing to do with her. Oh, she figured he would still be her friend, but she truly believed he would see why they could never be a couple. Instead, Connor had begged for her to let them try. She had just wanted to tell him how much she cared for him before she died. She knew full well how unlikely it was that they would both survive here for an extended time. Every day was a gift, and a challenge, and she just wanted to try to meet her end with no regrets.
Then again… he probably felt the same.
"Abby? Is everything alright?" Connor asked as he exited the cave.
She jumped; she had been so lost in her own thoughts that she hadn't even heard him approach.
"Yeah. I'm going to check the traps. Was just waiting on you to wake up," she replied shortly.
She got up to leave without making eye contact with him.
"Just wait a minute Abby and I'll be ready," he answered easily.
"I'm going alone. I just want you to know where I am," she argued.
"No. It's too dangerous," Connor replied, his voice tight.
"I want some time alone, Connor," she countered.
His mouth firmed and his nostrils flared, tell tale signs that he was angry, but his voice came out soft.
"I'll stay far enough away not to bother you, but it isn't safe to be separated," he negotiated.
She nodded, accepting his rationale. If he said he'd stay out of her way, he would. She waited for him to return and then made her way down the slope from their cave. Connor stayed close behind her on the way there, but he didn't try to talk to her. As a matter of fact, he still looked pretty angry. Her stomach twisted, she didn't need him upset with her, as well.
True to his word, as soon as they approached the pool at the base of the waterfall Connor split off from her. He'd brought along his new spear, and he appeared to be studying the area near the waterfall for signs of edible life. The prehistoric snails they had gathered were barely edible, tasting of mud and silt. They were desperately hoping to catch fish in the traps Connor had devised.
He hoped to find meat for them, hence the spear. The idea of Connor hunting would have made her laugh a couple of weeks ago, but she wasn't laughing now. The intensity and determination on his face as he explored the area, spear held aloft was anything but silly. He looked dangerous; a shiver ran through her at the thought. He had wandered pretty far afield by this time, although he kept glancing back to check on her.
She was being stupid again. Really, look where they were. She was lucky to have Connor with her, and yet here she was trying to push him away again. That had been the whole damn point of telling him her story, so she wouldn't have a reason to do it anymore. So she could be honest with him. It seemed all she ever managed to do was to hurt Connor, and he was the last person she ever wanted to hurt.
Connor was headed back to her at a jog, a worried look on his face.
"Deinonychus… raptors. Family unit near here. Dangerous, big and mean," he explained breathlessly.
Abby nodded her understanding.
"Look, I know you wanted to be left alone, but I can't. Not here. We have to stay close, and avoid this area if possible. We need to go. Now," he said, warily eyeing their surroundings.
"What about all our traps?" she asked.
"We'll check 'em later. Abby, we need to go," Connor insisted.
They climbed back to their cave, moving quickly. Connor never lost the worried look on his face and more telling, he still wasn't talking. He was really worried.
"How many of them were there?" she asked after they had gotten closer to their camp.
"A lot," he answered shortly.
When they got back to their camp, Connor got out the chunks of rock he had collected that he thought he might be able to make into some sort of rudimentary stone tools and resumed working with them. Abby gathered her grasses again and settled her back against the cool stone of the cave. Connor still hadn't spoken to her, and she wasn't sure what to think about it. He rarely lost his temper; it was unusual for him to display much above annoyance, but he was clearly angry with her. His jaw was tight as he worked, and instead of his usual continuous stream of chatter he was silent except for the few muttered curses at he failed to make anything serviceable.
"What are you trying to make first?" she asked, trying to draw him into conversation.
He glanced at her briefly, "Knife."
"Oh. Getting close?" she asked.
"No," he replied with a brief shake of his head.
He growled in frustration and struck the next rock harder than he needed to. It fractured, leaving one edge razor sharp. It was a success, but unfortunately he sliced his hand at the termination of the blow. He cried out sharply and pressed the heel of his hand to his leg to try to stop the bleeding. Abby jumped up and went to him, concerned at how badly he might have cut himself. Neither one of them could afford to be seriously injured.
"Let me see," she demanded.
"It's fine," he argued.
"Connor, just let me see it," she insisted and grabbed for his hand.
He turned his body away from hers, preventing her from looking, "No."
"Connor, what is wrong with you?" she asked, frustrated by his uncharacteristic coldness towards her.
He gave a short sarcastic laugh, "Seriously?"
"Yes!" she replied, exasperated.
"I should have known you'd do a turnabout on me, but I had truly believed you wouldn't. I just hoped you… Never mind. Doesn't matter," he ended, with a bitter shake of his head.
"No. Connor, no. I haven't," she explained.
Connor never got angry with her, and it bothered her more than she liked to admit that he was angry with her now. She wondered if this was how she made him feel. If it was, she was sorry for it all over again. Nothing ever came out right with him. Her words were always too sharp, too hard. She'd cut him to the quick more times than she could count.
"You said we could try! Did you mean it, or not?" he demanded.
"I just… I needed some time to think. I didn't mean it like that," she stumbled over her words, trying to fight back the urge to shout back at him.
It wouldn't help matters, but there it was nonetheless, boiling under the surface. Knee jerk reaction… a shield of anger to mask the pain.
"Yes or no, Abby?" he said gravely, his dark eyes boring into hers.
TBC
A/N: Please tell me what you think? Reviews feed the hungry muse.
So Connor isn't psychic... and he's making some assumptions about Abby wanting some time to think. *grins* Poor Conn.
Musical inspirations:
Make You Hurt by Hana Pestle (Abby)
Blame it on the Changes by Dashboard Confessional (Connor)
Author: casy_dee
Rating: T
Characters/Pairing: Connor/Abby
Spoiler: Series 3
Warning: Angst, Mentions of abuse. I don't get graphic, but it is plainly stated.
Genre: Romance, Angst, Hurt/Comfort
Summary: Abby has secrets in her past, but is it right to keep them there? Can Connor accept it? Set in the Cretaceous...
Part: 4/?
Chapter one is here
Chapter two is here
Chapter three is here
Chapter Four of Hold My Silence is Behind The Cut
Chapter 4
*bites nails* Hope you like it...
She had fallen asleep next to Connor. Not like she had since they had been trapped here, lying next to him on a separate pallet. Really next to Connor… as in wrapped in his arms. She shifted so that she could see his face more clearly; she liked watching him sleep. He really was handsome, even dirty and bruised and with a couple of weeks growth of facial hair; she wondered how she could have missed it for so long. Well, she hadn't missed it exactly. She had just ignored it. Abby was an expert at ignoring things she'd rather not face. She had been able to ignore her feelings about Connor for years.
Oh, god. She'd told him everything. Oh god, oh god, oh god.
What would she do now? What now?
She started when his eyes opened and focused on her. He gave her a sleepy smile and closed his eyes again.
"Good dream," he murmured.
Maybe she could just pretend it had never happened. Connor would probably go along with it. Maybe. She thought back to his adamant refusal to let her use him as an excuse to not tell him about her childhood and wasn't so sure. Connor could be outright stubborn about certain things, and it appeared that whatever it was that was between them had become one of those things.
She got up and left the cave to relieve herself, at least that's what Connor would think. She needed time to think. Time alone… without Connor confusing her worse than she already was. If she was lucky, he would sleep a while longer. Not likely, though.
She decided to go down to the base of the waterfall and check their traps to see if there was anything edible in them. Connor had said that as far as prehistoric eras were concerned, they had gotten pretty lucky. The Cretaceous had a far more varied and diverse lifeforms than the Jurassic. The presence of raptors meant they were in the late Cretaceous, according to Connor. A very few small mammals, mollusks, teleost fishes, and some recognizable insects developed during this era. Unfortunately, dinosaurs were the most common of all life forms. Large ones, small ones, mean ones and slightly less mean. Regardless of variety, it meant they had to constantly be on guard.
Connor would be sick with worry if he knew she was going all the way down to the base of the waterfall alone, and without even bothering to tell him. And he would be right. She really wasn't thinking clearly. If she died, Connor would be all alone. That's what he had told her when he dragged her out off the river. He'd said "don't leave me alone." He told her afterwards that if she had died, then he might as well be dead, as well. It had nearly broken her heart. It was then that she decided she had to tell him, no matter what the cost.
It wasn't fair to tell her that. It was as good as saying he would kill himself if she died. Now she felt like anytime she took a risk, she was taking it with both their lives. It was dirty and underhanded of him, but effective nonetheless. She didn't doubt his sincerity, either. That was the worst part. He had meant it, and she believed he had told her for the sole purpose of shocking her into paying attention to her surroundings.
She settled on the ledge outside their cave, dangling her feet over the steep drop off. She'd wait, and tell him she needed to think. He'd give her space, as long as she asked for it. She laughed to herself wryly; being stuck back in the past with Connor left her little choice but to face her problems and deal with them. No more burying her head in the sand. It seemed almost a shame… she had gotten very good at it.
Connor stirred in the cave, he rarely slept long past her waking. Back home Connor could sleep through anything, but here he slept lightly. He was changing… already different somehow… In the beginning, he had optimistically expected the rest of the team to find them. They hadn't ceased to exist, so they both assumed that Danny had succeeded in stopping Helen. It only stood to reason that help would be on the way. But it hadn't come.
By day three Connor had stopped talking about getting rescued and had begun talking about survival. He still maintained that they would be rescued, but if they waited around for it they would likely not survive long enough to be rescued. Of course, by day three he was able to walk on his own again and she suspected that his patience for waiting around for anything was gone. Connor was no fun at all when he was injured.
It wasn't that he had complained about it, because he hadn't. He'd said he was fine anytime she asked. Connor just wasn't will suited for inactivity; his mind never stopped working, but he was unable to do anything without getting help. Luckily there was not a chauvinistic bone in his body, and he let Abby help him without getting his ego bruised. She had tried not to snap at him when he asked for help, but she was so scared that it just came out that way. After that, he stopped asking for her help so much, he just struggled to do it all on his own.
She didn't know how to take it back. She'd never been good with expressing how she felt, that's why she liked her lizards so much. They never cared that she was a psychological mess, they just loved her. Connor never called her on it, although he should have. Once he had been able to move around on his own again, things had gone back to what served as normal between them… until she fell in the river.
She'd spilled everything to him, and now she couldn't take it back. He'd handled it differently than she thought he would. She thought he'd want nothing to do with her. Oh, she figured he would still be her friend, but she truly believed he would see why they could never be a couple. Instead, Connor had begged for her to let them try. She had just wanted to tell him how much she cared for him before she died. She knew full well how unlikely it was that they would both survive here for an extended time. Every day was a gift, and a challenge, and she just wanted to try to meet her end with no regrets.
Then again… he probably felt the same.
"Abby? Is everything alright?" Connor asked as he exited the cave.
She jumped; she had been so lost in her own thoughts that she hadn't even heard him approach.
"Yeah. I'm going to check the traps. Was just waiting on you to wake up," she replied shortly.
She got up to leave without making eye contact with him.
"Just wait a minute Abby and I'll be ready," he answered easily.
"I'm going alone. I just want you to know where I am," she argued.
"No. It's too dangerous," Connor replied, his voice tight.
"I want some time alone, Connor," she countered.
His mouth firmed and his nostrils flared, tell tale signs that he was angry, but his voice came out soft.
"I'll stay far enough away not to bother you, but it isn't safe to be separated," he negotiated.
She nodded, accepting his rationale. If he said he'd stay out of her way, he would. She waited for him to return and then made her way down the slope from their cave. Connor stayed close behind her on the way there, but he didn't try to talk to her. As a matter of fact, he still looked pretty angry. Her stomach twisted, she didn't need him upset with her, as well.
True to his word, as soon as they approached the pool at the base of the waterfall Connor split off from her. He'd brought along his new spear, and he appeared to be studying the area near the waterfall for signs of edible life. The prehistoric snails they had gathered were barely edible, tasting of mud and silt. They were desperately hoping to catch fish in the traps Connor had devised.
He hoped to find meat for them, hence the spear. The idea of Connor hunting would have made her laugh a couple of weeks ago, but she wasn't laughing now. The intensity and determination on his face as he explored the area, spear held aloft was anything but silly. He looked dangerous; a shiver ran through her at the thought. He had wandered pretty far afield by this time, although he kept glancing back to check on her.
She was being stupid again. Really, look where they were. She was lucky to have Connor with her, and yet here she was trying to push him away again. That had been the whole damn point of telling him her story, so she wouldn't have a reason to do it anymore. So she could be honest with him. It seemed all she ever managed to do was to hurt Connor, and he was the last person she ever wanted to hurt.
Connor was headed back to her at a jog, a worried look on his face.
"Deinonychus… raptors. Family unit near here. Dangerous, big and mean," he explained breathlessly.
Abby nodded her understanding.
"Look, I know you wanted to be left alone, but I can't. Not here. We have to stay close, and avoid this area if possible. We need to go. Now," he said, warily eyeing their surroundings.
"What about all our traps?" she asked.
"We'll check 'em later. Abby, we need to go," Connor insisted.
They climbed back to their cave, moving quickly. Connor never lost the worried look on his face and more telling, he still wasn't talking. He was really worried.
"How many of them were there?" she asked after they had gotten closer to their camp.
"A lot," he answered shortly.
When they got back to their camp, Connor got out the chunks of rock he had collected that he thought he might be able to make into some sort of rudimentary stone tools and resumed working with them. Abby gathered her grasses again and settled her back against the cool stone of the cave. Connor still hadn't spoken to her, and she wasn't sure what to think about it. He rarely lost his temper; it was unusual for him to display much above annoyance, but he was clearly angry with her. His jaw was tight as he worked, and instead of his usual continuous stream of chatter he was silent except for the few muttered curses at he failed to make anything serviceable.
"What are you trying to make first?" she asked, trying to draw him into conversation.
He glanced at her briefly, "Knife."
"Oh. Getting close?" she asked.
"No," he replied with a brief shake of his head.
He growled in frustration and struck the next rock harder than he needed to. It fractured, leaving one edge razor sharp. It was a success, but unfortunately he sliced his hand at the termination of the blow. He cried out sharply and pressed the heel of his hand to his leg to try to stop the bleeding. Abby jumped up and went to him, concerned at how badly he might have cut himself. Neither one of them could afford to be seriously injured.
"Let me see," she demanded.
"It's fine," he argued.
"Connor, just let me see it," she insisted and grabbed for his hand.
He turned his body away from hers, preventing her from looking, "No."
"Connor, what is wrong with you?" she asked, frustrated by his uncharacteristic coldness towards her.
He gave a short sarcastic laugh, "Seriously?"
"Yes!" she replied, exasperated.
"I should have known you'd do a turnabout on me, but I had truly believed you wouldn't. I just hoped you… Never mind. Doesn't matter," he ended, with a bitter shake of his head.
"No. Connor, no. I haven't," she explained.
Connor never got angry with her, and it bothered her more than she liked to admit that he was angry with her now. She wondered if this was how she made him feel. If it was, she was sorry for it all over again. Nothing ever came out right with him. Her words were always too sharp, too hard. She'd cut him to the quick more times than she could count.
"You said we could try! Did you mean it, or not?" he demanded.
"I just… I needed some time to think. I didn't mean it like that," she stumbled over her words, trying to fight back the urge to shout back at him.
It wouldn't help matters, but there it was nonetheless, boiling under the surface. Knee jerk reaction… a shield of anger to mask the pain.
"Yes or no, Abby?" he said gravely, his dark eyes boring into hers.
TBC
A/N: Please tell me what you think? Reviews feed the hungry muse.
So Connor isn't psychic... and he's making some assumptions about Abby wanting some time to think. *grins* Poor Conn.
Musical inspirations:
Make You Hurt by Hana Pestle (Abby)
Blame it on the Changes by Dashboard Confessional (Connor)