"he'll pay he'll pay he'll pay: is all that goes through my head for a good chunk of most days.  and you know what, he probably will... but I won't be there, and I really need to let this go.  On fucking long term rationale.  I don't spend days thinking about a father who molested me in a past life, besides being a little wary of my relationship ( Read more... )

I was doing fine before all this happened... a combination of little support and my own masochism and lack of decent contacts brought me to where I am.  Might not be a big deal to people who were always fine, but I really don't want to survive alone, and god knows I can't be myself or go in the ways I want.  And of course the people I want around ( Read more... )

miserable.

ha.  I applied for a shot at love 3... which is funny.  not that they'll pick my antisocial ass, but hell... filling out applications is fun.

I'm at the laudromat - and kinda stressed - I realized how normal it has become for me to be held back - and how oddly hard that patern is to break.  I want being free to be normal - and productive - and unfettered by anyone - especially people I've gotten to know here that I don't want to know or would not have known if I had been in a better spot ( Read more... )

I'm probably going to get off livejournal and switch to some other journal out there.  I found one of my friends old journals on greatestjournal from 2003 - made me miss that person and realize how much I need to drop my guard if I ever want the chance of something catching my attention again.

Warding went well, looking at this journal is making ( Read more... )

the deviation between being connected to someone and how they respond to you in person is fucked up.  i wrecked this friendship, I won't get over it [sorry], and I won't move on.  i feel like shit.  how can i expect her to talk to me in any kind of way that's not confused or hateful.  she hasn't been focusing on me.  she basically dumped me as a ( Read more... )

Ari ( Read more... )

still alive. 

( Read more... )