Multicoloured Ecstasy [oneshot]
Title: Multicoloured Ecstasy [oneshot]
Author: ccgensou
Genre: Sap/Fluff
Rating: PG-13
Band: The GazettE
Pairing: Reita/Ruki, hinted RukixUruha & ReitaxOC
Summary: Teenage AU. Ruki's POV. Two strangers sitting on a bench at a train station. What can a smile and some time change?
Comment: This was written simply as cheer-up writing. I haven‘t enjoyed writing something this much in ages, despite obvious imperfections and occasional faulty writing. Although a lot could be questioned about this, I decided to just write what I felt like writing. *nervous laugh* Comments are appreciated. <3
~
Multicoloured Ecstasy
He’s got a cute smile.
The first time we spoke was many weeks ago, at the exact same bench as the one we are sitting on right now. I was singing to myself, waiting for the train bringing Uruha to arrive, when he came to my bench, sitting down next to me on the space that I had been guarding from random people to claim. I remember how I stopped singing, frowning as I looked at him, and was just about to tell him to fuck off when he turned his head to look at me.
“You sing very well”, he told me, just barely loud enough to be heard through all the noise from the crowds around us, and that was when he smiled at me for the first time. That small, heart-melting and shy smile that I have yet not found anyone else able to compete with it in my list of adorable smiles. I guess you could say I fell for that smile - although in a totally platonic way of course, mind you, I have a boyfriend whose name I just happened to forget at the time.
All I could manage was a polite thank you, because something about him makes you need to slow down to be able to progress any other thoughts than who is this guy? Though as time goes, sometimes I wonder if I am the only one who sees this. When he’s around, people move past without even throwing a second glance towards him. It’s like he’s invisible to everyone but me. Even when I talk to Uruha about him, he doesn’t seem to think highly of him. Though not that I mind, I don’t like to share. It’s like he’s my own secret friend, with whom I share my own little private moments where I can watch him in all his glory without having to care about competition. Perhaps it’s his smile. Perhaps I’m just insane.
That first time, we didn’t talk more. We were two young strangers sitting on the same bench, which was all there was to it. But when Uruha’s train arrived and I was to leave, I looked back towards the bench to see him smile shyly at me and I knew that I would never forget that little moment.
Of course, what I did not know was that I would share many moments with that guy. It has become our common habit that whenever we are at the train station, we go to that bench in hope to see each other. I always keep telling myself on my way to the station that I can’t trust him to be there every time, yet he is more often there than he is not. He’s told me that he has a girlfriend, that’s why he’s there, either to wait for her or to wait for the next train to take him to her - and I’ve learned quickly that he misses his train a lot, making him spend a lot of time just sitting there waiting.
He calls himself Reita. No other name, just Reita, plain and simple. And he calls me Ruki. We are two anonymous people enjoying each other’s company. Obviously we both have real names, but it’s like we like to hide ourselves, and though I sometimes wish I knew his name so I could find out more about him, it’s somehow comforting to not know.
He’s sitting next to me right now, turned towards me with one foot on the ground and the other positioned on the bench, his knee bent. Seemingly absorbed in eating the food in the lunchbox sitting on the bench in front of him, the bleached blonde hair is falling over his eyes teasingly, but he doesn’t seem to mind. It’s like he’s used to hiding behind it, and I wonder what he would have to hide from.
Glancing up once, he notices that I’m looking at him, and the by now familiar blush colours his cheeks rosy red as he pauses his eating.
“I’m sorry, I’m not much company today, am I”, he says quietly, more of a statement than a question, with a small laugh following his words. He knows I don’t mind, but he has a polite nature, something that I find very appealing.
“You’re right, I should dump you straight ahead.” My reply is teasing and he only smiles in amusement at this, absently taking another bite of food with his eyes still locked with mine. He doesn’t do that a lot - dare to keep eye contact for a longer time. And true enough, soon he becomes shy again and stares down at his food as he continues to eat, albeit with less fervour this time around. “When’s your girlfriend going to arrive, anyway?” I ask, while looking at the time myself to see that I will have another fifteen minutes before my own boyfriend will be here.
Looking up in surprise over the question, he finishes to chew the food in his mouth before glancing towards the huge clock hanging up in the ceiling behind me. He opens his mouth as if to reply, but then seems to hesitate. He’s fidgeting, something has made him ill at ease and I don’t know what it is. “She said…” he starts, then pauses, then continues after a moment of silence, “She said she wasn’t sure which train she would manage to get on, so either in ten or forty minutes.”
For the sake of him not having to wait here all on his own, I nod as I hope that his girlfriend will have the decency to go with the first mentioned train. We both know - or at least I have deluded myself into believing that he knows just as many of the unspoken reliabilities between us as I do - that if he has to wait, I would gladly stay to keep him company for a while longer, if not for my boyfriend. Uruha doesn’t like Reita. It pains me to know that him and I have been fighting a lot more recently, the subject of the fights often being aforementioned guy. He doesn’t see why I should keep a stranger company, and he doesn’t see what is so special about Reita.
I told Reita about it once, only briefly, and sadly enough he seemed very guilty about causing issues in what up to the point when I met him had been a perfectly healthy relationship. I don’t blame him at all, I don’t. I blame Uruha for not accepting friendship. I’m not someone you can chain up and claim as your own, mind you, I want enough freedom to at least be able to socialize with Reita. Perhaps it’s his smile, perhaps that’s the key. Never in all the times Reita has met Uruha have I seen him smile that adorable smile that I first fell for. It makes me wonder if things would be better if I tell Reita to smile next time he meets Uruha, but every time that thought comes to my head, I dismiss it. If Uruha doesn’t accept Reita without a smile, then who am I to share. After all, what if Uruha decides to fall for him, too?
As I watch Reita finish up his lunch, I realise how afraid I am to lose him. What would I do if he would not be here to keep me company? Whenever he doesn’t show up and I have to sit on my own, I miss him. I wonder what he’s doing, who he’s with, if he’s happy, if he’s smiling that adorable smile towards someone else.
What if I’m not as special to him as he is to me.
It’s a frightening thought, it’s a frightening realisation to know you depend on someone so much even though in reality you barely know each other. I wonder what he would answer me if I dared to ask him what he thinks about me. I wonder, in all secrecy, if he loves to be around me as much as I love to be around him.
“What are you thinking about?” he asks, making me snap out of my thoughts and realise that I am staring at him. He stares back - curious, dark eyes watching me. For a short moment I panic, thinking that he can read me like an open book, and that would be devastating because something about my thoughts about him seem so forbidden, even though I always emphasis the innocence, the friendship. But then I come to my senses as I see how stupid it is to think that he could have any idea what I am thinking.
“Nothing of importance”, I answer simply, smiling when he looks slightly disappointed, as if he really thought I would have something interesting to tell him. In a way, I guess I have, but for now I don’t want to tell him, I don’t want to scare him away if he only thinks of me as someone to pass time with. “How about you?”
He looks at me for a while, and I wait. Then he carefully packs away his lunchbox into his black bag, before he proceeds to now put up both feet on the bench, his arms around his knees as he tilts his head slightly to his side. He’s beautiful, I think absently as I see a small, embarrassed blush tint his otherwise pale skin. Averting his eyes to the little space there is between us, he clears his throat in unease before he finally replies, “I’ve never kissed a boy.”
For a moment I don’t understand what he is saying. Then it dawns on me and my mouth forms to a small oh, my gaze turning curiously amused and slightly fascinated as he continues to look away, the blush on his face turning the most charming colour of red. A smile lights up my face, and then I let out a soft laugh. “Ah, so you are wondering how it is to kiss a guy.” He nods, barely a dip of his head to confirm what I said. I can’t help to find it adorable for him to think about something like that. Besides blushing like mad and being almost abnormally shy about a lot of things, Reita is a rather masculine guy, and I have had no doubts that he is completely straight. Until now, that is to say. Kiss a guy?
I would kiss him any day of the week if he’d ask for it. There’s no denying that I have wondered what it would be like to kiss those lips that can curve into the smile that I love. That is, out of sheer curiosity of course, because I do have a boyfriend, who I just tend to forget sometimes when I’m with Reita. He knows, of course. He knows I‘m bisexual and he knows about Uruha, I’ve told him about him and he doesn’t seem to mind. “Do you want me to kiss you?” I ask suddenly, grinning mischievously at him as his eyes widens and his shocked gaze finds mine.
“W - what?” he stutters confusedly, and I have to suppress a laugh because I highly doubt that it wasn’t what he was thinking. My mind has no problem warming up to the thought of his lips pressed against mine, in fact the thought of it makes my heart flutter with excitement as I hold my breath, just waiting, waiting for him to please not say no.
“I wouldn’t mind, you know”, I say after a while of silence, and something makes my confidence falter as I turn my gaze down to stare at my hands. Rushing to keep the silence at bay, I continue, “It would just be a quick kiss, no tongues, and then you wouldn’t have to wonder.”
Glancing up, I see him biting his lips with something looking like worry on his handsome face, along with very apparent hesitation, and I feel my heart drop as I know that he will say no. But what could I have expected from him, he’s got a girlfriend who he probably loves very much, and I am only a familiar stranger sitting next to him on a bench as he waits for her to come save him from boredom. And I have Uruha, I remind myself as an afterthought.
“I don’t want my first kiss to be a random experiment”, he says finally, voice quiet.
I stare at him for a while, wondering if he has realised what he just said. If he has a girlfriend then he has surely kissed someone before, which wouldn’t make me the first one to touch those heavenly lips with my own sinful ones. Mentally correcting his sentence to; first kiss with a guy, I nod slowly, understanding and accepting his wishes. “What if it wouldn’t be a random experiment?” I then ask, before I can stop myself.
His gaze darts up to meet my eyes in surprise once again, and then he quickly blurts out, in a matter-of-factly voice, “You have a boyfriend.”
Whatever amusement might have lingered on my face disappears as I turn my head away from him, staring ahead of me without really seeing the crowds passing by without paying us any attention. “And you’re just a curious, straight guy who has a girlfriend you just tend to forget all about”, I say, just as matter-of-factly as he did. I glance at the time. “A girlfriend who didn‘t show up with the first train, might I add.” Looking back at him, I notice that he is carefully avoiding my eyes, and I realise that what I said was rather bitterly blunt. “Ah… Didn’t mean to sound so rude.”
He just smiles. And I know we’re okay when he does, because he has the most genuine smile I’ve ever seen. Sometimes I think that his girlfriend does not deserve someone like him, sometimes I can’t help to think that I would be able to take care of him better than anyone could. Because they don’t seem close, he and his girl, it’s like one of those couples that meet a lot and hang out a lot but never get to know each other, caught in a sort of dead, monotonous phase. And Reita might not know it, but I can’t help to notice that sad shadow over his features whenever she’s in the topic.
I remember the first time he spoke of her. It was the third time we met here, at this bench, but it was the first time we really spoke to each other properly. He was messaging someone, and I watched him in silence, amazed as always over how he looks so handsome in his own little special way that no one else seems to understand. So I asked him what he was doing here, where he was going.
“What?” he spluttered out at first, looking up as if in shock over the fact that I had actually said anything directed towards him. “Oh”, he then breathed out softly. “Just… my girlfriend”, he answered finally, hesitantly, almost looking afraid for a moment, as if he expected me to laugh at him. I didn’t laugh, however I did smile.
“What’s her name?” I remember asking him, encouraging him to join in for a conversation.
“Aiko”, he said after a long pause, as if he was still hesitant whether or not to speak to me or not. “Aiko-chan, that’s her name.”
Being a stranger, I didn’t dare to ask more about her at that occasion, but over time, he’s told me small things whenever he notices I’m too curious to let it slide. It’s like he doesn’t want to speak of her around me, or perhaps in front of anyone. It makes me wonder if he ever talks about me to anyone. A part of me is hoping that he does, just to know that I am someone important enough to mention. Another part of me wants him not to, yet if he doesn’t it makes me afraid he might not because I’m no one special. In truth, I want him to keep me a secret because I want him to think of us as an out of the ordinary match that doesn’t need others to know.
Excluding Uruha who’s found us sitting there talking many times when I’ve forgotten to go and meet up with him as his train arrives, I haven’t told anyone else. Reita is my own secret, and for now, I want to keep it that way.
“Shouldn’t your boyfriend be here by now?” he asks suddenly, and I am quickly brought back to the present time being, just in time to meet his eyes as he looks back at me after glancing at the clock. After a moment of gazing into those captivating eyes, I make myself turn slightly where I sit to see what time it is, and sure enough, Uruha should have been here by now.
“Oh, you’re right”, I breathe out, finding that I couldn’t care less if he’s here or not, but not letting this thought being known to him. He looks at me for a while, letting the silence lapse over us as it comes clear that I have no intentions of speaking up again. I watch his gaze dart away after a few moments, watch how he absently raises a hand to scratch at the nape of his neck before his eyes finds mine again. And I can’t help to feel content with the idea of staying in his company a little more, can’t help to be thankful. He’s gorgeous.
“Do you think he missed his stop?” he asks after another while of silence, biting down on his lower lip after uttering the words, as if uncertain whether he should have asked or not. My eyes closely follows the way his teeth nibble at the soft skin, watching the pressure almost making it yield, and I have to blink away the confusion as I make the secret vision of his lips against mine fade to the very back of my mind before I can let myself focus on what he’s actually saying.
Oh. Uruha.
“No”, I hurry to say, voice confident. “He’s not coming.” At this proclamation, he’s confused, staring down at his hands with a small frown on his beautiful face as he breathes out a small oh. I can tell that he is trying to find some explanation to this, but I know that he won’t find anything to grasp for. I smile softly, reaching out a hand to touch his knee, and upon contact he looks up, letting one of his feet fall back on the ground to proceed to sit in what would make anyone else look perfectly comfortable, except him. Somehow not him. Because to me, all this does is to make me think that he’s trying to pretend he’s unfazed, and I can tell he’s unsure, he doesn’t know if we have crossed the line where he can’t ask any more questions. Yet he wants to know how I can be so sure that Uruha won’t come, that’s why he keeps making eye contact just to look away and then look up again, over and over.
“Screw being polite, Reita. Ask”, I demand with a laugh.
He gets a sheepish grin on his face for a little while, shrugging uncomfortably before asking, “How do you know that he won’t come?”
I gaze at him for a while, wondering myself how I can be so sure. Yet as see him look away, seemingly embarrassed to have asked even though I made him to, I remember yesterday. I remember Uruha, leaning against the counter in the kitchen of his parents’ house. I remember the sun shining in through the window and I remember how the light made his hair shimmer beautifully, but even more strongly I remember how I couldn’t think of anything else than conversations I had earlier that day with another guy. It was supposed to be us-time, yet we both suddenly were acting like strangers towards each other. If I go back even further in my memories, further back in time, an hour more, I can hear myself talking to Uruha, mentioning something Reita said, and I can see how his smile faded, see how he turned his face away from me. He looked almost… disappointed with me.
Then he started asking me small questions; they seemed strange at that point of time, but they make sense now that I think of it. He asked about Reita, he asked what I thought of him and other questions that I had no problem answering because they were about Reita. But then he asked me, “Why are you with me if you love him the more?”
And I never did answer that question.
Because how do you answer something you do not know, how do you answer something you didn’t even know was a question needing answer. How do you answer that when you want to say that you love him, yet at the same time you envision yourself in the arms of another. How?
I snap back into the present when Reita’s slightly worried eyes searches my face for a notion of something. “Ruki?” he asks. “Are you okay? You spaced out.” Not knowing what to say to that, I only shrug and smile apologetically, but Reita seems to have a fair guess of what I was thinking about, because he continues, “Maybe this isn’t my question to ask, but has something happened between you and Uruha-san?”
I’m struck with how amusing the situation might seem. Here we are, in the middle of a train station packed with people who, thankfully, never pay us a second glance, and we act as if we are all alone. I steal a glance at Reita, feeling strangely lucky to have him near, feeling special to have him being concerned over me, just happy that he cares. It’s true, I adore him. “I think it’s over”, I finally tell him quietly, keeping my gaze down now, watching my own hands’ movement as I fiddle with loose threads on my jeans, pulling at them and creating a smaller sized mess.
I hear him inhale sharply in, well, I don’t know. Shock? Disbelief? Compassion? Hell if I know. Hell if I care. I turn my head slightly in his direction as he gently puts his hand on my shoulder, as if to comfort me, but I refuse to look up. Something just makes me unable to. I know I should be sad, Uruha and I have been together for a long time now and I admit that it’s confusing to realise that he won’t be there for me anymore. It’s an empty feeling, a hollow place in my heart where he used to be, but beside the feeling of loneliness, I can’t cry, because something else has taken the sorrow’s room. Something - someone - has started to take Uruha’s place. And I didn’t even realise until now.
But how can anyone not fall for that smile.
“I - I’m sorry, I didn’t know, are you okay? I shouldn’t have asked if it was personal, it -” Reita tries to offer as an apology, as if it wasn’t my decision and mine alone to actually utter those words, as if he hasn’t been polite enough already. And I can’t help to smile as I shake my head, looking up and making him fall silent. I know that my face shines with nothing but adoration, nothing but affection, and that confuses him.
“Don’t think so much”, I say quietly. “You haven’t seen me become angry because you asked, have you.” I can’t help to be amused that the guy can be so unsure, in a way that’s almost absurd. Watching as a sheepish smile curves his lips, I wonder what he would do if I kissed him. He did wonder what it would be like. He did practically ask me to. He has a girlfriend, I remind myself suddenly, and I feel my heart drop to the pit of my stomach. It’s shameful to even think about stealing a kiss that would be forbidden and not to mention highly unwanted. He said so himself, didn’t he? He wanted it to mean something. It’s not enough that I care for him as deeply as I have come to do, it’s not enough that his smile can warm my heart, is it. Because he doesn’t feel the same, does he?
It’s wrong to play with curiosity.
“No”, he says after a while, answering a question he didn‘t need to answer, still appearing to be a bit worried as he looks at me closely. “But why didn’t you tell me? I could’ve refrained from saying some of the more stupid things concerning your boyfriend”, he continues, then his eyes widens as he quickly adds, “I’m sorry, I meant ex… ex boyfriend.” The frown on his beautiful face tells me he’s mentally scolding himself for being so tactless, and my eyes are shamefully drawn to his lips as his tongue darts out in all innocence to lick dry lips, before he starts to bite his lower lip again. I have already labelled it as a bad nervous habit of his.
“Because I didn’t realise it until now”, I say, making myself look into his questioning eyes instead. “We slipped apart”, I continue, saving him the embarrassment of asking questions he shouldn’t be asking. Then I let my eyes wander away to the crowds passing us as I tell him that, “He says I love someone else more than him.” And I can’t stop the small smile forming on my lips as I think that if he only knew. If he only knew who I meant when I said that, then what would he do?
“And - And do you?” he asks, stumbling over his own words once again, seemingly unable to be comfortable in the situation.
I look up at him again, letting my eyes search his face, observing every shadow on his skin, every hair gone astray, every reflecting light in his dark eyes. I really look at him, and for every second passing, every moment of blessed time moving by, my smile grows, until I’m probably beaming at him, because if he’s not reason enough to smile then nothing is. There’s no need to think twice before I answer, “Yes.”
Then I do something I shouldn’t do, had I any common sense left, but he makes me lose it, he makes my mind crash to be reborn from the ashes of shame. So I touch him. My cold hand in contrast with his warm cheek in a sheepish caress, telling him with actions and not words something that I can’t even begin to understand myself. I don’t expect him to take it easily, and a moment later I let my hand fall down as I look away, my smile turning sad before fading. I am afraid. It’s too late to make it undone, but I still helplessly wish that I could, because what I am afraid of is that he will be disgusted, or too uncomfortable to be around me, making him leave me entirely alone forevermore.
“Ruki?” he asks, voice high-pitched. Would it not be because of the aching pain at hearing his panicky voice speak my name, I would tease him. But I’m exhausted, and though I want to think of myself as brave, I know I’m not, because were I more brave, I would not just sit there in silence, staring down at my hands resting in my lap. I would offer him an explanation, but I can’t. There are moments in everyone’s life when you just lose all your words and all your sanity. “Ruki?” he repeats, this time pleading, as if he’s grasping for me to offer some sense to the situation, seemingly unaware that all my good sense probably dispersed the moment he first smiled at me, so many weeks ago.
“Reita”, I only say in return, in what I hope is a light-hearted tone of voice, but I am aware that it very likely came out slightly mocking. I can never stop trying to avoid embarrassing myself in front of Reita, I can never stop needing to try effortlessly to wrap myself in a perfection that has never been meant for me. It’s instinct, animalistic need to look good to - what? To breed? Or to live an act that would satisfy carnal instinct, in my case. Perhaps I should become a monk in a faraway village up somewhere in the mountains, forever denying my want to touch, to feel, to love the beautiful young man who seems to be frozen on the spot, sitting next to me.
I close my eyes to the surroundings and take a deep breath to reach for whatever strength I can find to confront the mess I have put myself in, but I don’t get as far as to open my eyes again before a sensation so sweet I could faint immediately is quite literally hitting me as lips crash against mine.
Soft, sweet, overwhelming. Unexpected proximity so sudden that my eyes snap open in shock, and I find myself staring right into Reita’s dark, wide eyes, so close. My mind is running in circles, around and round in emptiness, balancing on the thin line of sanity, and is this real? We’re both like paralysed, staring at each other as if time has stopped moving, lips pressed against each other, both of us breathing unevenly as we are probably both trying to figure out if this is truly is a real situation. Is it? His lips are warm, unearthly perfect resting with gentle pressure against mine, and if this is a dream, then - I never want to wake up.
Fear. I can see fear seeping into his eyes, panic spreading like wildfire through his veins as he’s realising what he’s done and what he‘s still doing. And he’s confused, he’s so very confused and real that I have to take in the fact that this is not a piece of imagination. But I can tell that he is about to draw back, I can tell he’s about to break the heaven into earth again, and I cannot let that happen, I cannot let him go now. Making a small sound at the back of my throat, I let my eyes fall close, giving him my wholehearted trust with that simple gesture, before moving my lips against his so lightly, so carefully, afraid to scare him away, afraid of a lot of things.
He doesn’t move as I hesitantly continue what he started, gently kissing him with a touch so fragile that I almost wonder if he can even feel it, but unable to make myself do more than that, afraid he might fly away from me if I do anything wrong. My heart is beating so fast in my chest that I’m afraid it’ll burst into thousands of shattered pieces never to be found again. It’s so awkward that weren’t it because I want this so badly, I would run for the hills, but I make myself stay, repeating over and over to myself that he made the first move, it can’t be entirely unwanted, I am not doing anything wrong. Am I?
Yet he’s still paralysed to the spot, and I have to stop, but I’m unable to make myself move away immediately, afraid of losing the contact I’ve been craving. So I slowly open my eyes, meeting his unsure gaze, trying to find something to hold onto, something saying that he wants this. But all I can see is hesitation, all I can see is that fear, and I wonder what he’s so afraid of, I wonder if it’s my fault or someone else’s, wonder if he’ll ever overcome that fear or if I should give up now. Knowing that I will regret it, I decide to move back an inch, breaking the sweet closeness and averting my eyes, swallowing as my nerves are starting to be painfully reminded.
But barely a second has passed before his lips latch upon mine once again, and my eyes go wide in shock as he starts to kiss me with unsure, awkward yet somehow heavenly perfect touches of soft lips. I forget to breathe as I watch his eyes fall close, see the short, dark eyelashes come to rest against his skin. Everything about him screams out anxiety, and I hear him make a small sound resembling of a whimper as he presses his lips more forcefully against mine, kiss still tender yet somehow pleading. And I snap out of my state of shock, hesitantly answering the kiss, careful once again not to scare him, yet he does not draw back.
My eyes flutter shut as I raise a hand, placing it gently against his cheek, caressing the skin I touched for the first time just mere moments ago, and it is as if that touch comforts him, because suddenly it’s not as awkward anymore. It’s perfect, so perfect, it’s more than I could ever imagine it to be to kiss those beautiful lips. Kissing him is so unlike kissing Uruha, they are so different from each other, but I know that I could easily get used to this, get used to the feeling of melting against his shy kiss, if he lets me.
Tilting my head slightly to the side, I gain confidence enough to take control, moving my lips against his in what I hope is a reassuring way, still carefully keeping it slow as to not make him shy away. But I absently feel one of his arms slipping around my waist, hesitantly pulling me closer to his warm body, and I have to smile tenderly into the kiss, wondering if this is my cue to take it further. So I ask for more, tongue gently tracing his bottom lip, and although he seems to go rigid at first, he gives it to me after a few nerve-wracking moments when right was wrong and wrong was right. And my heart is racing, my mind is lost in a cloud of euphoria as he’s taking me to the top of the stairs leading to heaven, our tongues now touching, playing, exploring new territory with a strange sort of shyness. If it would be possible to melt into someone’s touch, I would. If it would be possible to give your heart to someone without carving your own chest out, I would.
And though I never want it to end, it does. Breathless, we have to end the kiss, our lips lingering against each other for yet a couple of seconds before we draw back, and I slowly let my eyes open to the world of actuality once again. For a while, all I can do is take uneven breaths of air as I gaze at him through some kind of multicoloured daze of ecstasy, my mind seemingly feather born. He stares back, a flush colouring his cheeks, appearing incredulous to the situation, and I dearly hope that he does not regret it, because I sure as hell don’t want this to be edged with guilt. After taking another few gulps of air, I sheepishly lick my lips, letting one of my hands come to rest against the fabric of the black t-shirt hiding his chest from my view.
I absently wonder if it is supposed to be that good, if it’s supposed to make you feel quite like that, when in all reality it was awkward, unsure and, well… first-kiss-esque.
Wham.
Uh, oh, crowds, staring, crowds, staring, crowds. Staring.
“What do you think you’re all looking at? Fuck off!” I exclaim, snapping out of the daze and following it up with a string of irate curses, all while glaring daggers at every by-passer unfortunate enough to have chosen to stay to watch the little freakshow we undoubtedly made for them. I notice that my hand is clutching the fabric of his t-shirt in a possessive manner, and all I want to do is to protect him from the rude citizens who should all be shipped off to The Land of Homophobia. I mean, how dare they -
“Crap.”
It’s a weak voice, faint and, weren’t it because I’m so close to him, almost inaudible. I look back at him immediately, worry marking my face, and although I open my mouth to say something, to tell him it’s alright, to tell him not to bother trying to please society, I choke on all my words as I realise that I have no right. He’s got a girlfriend. Crap? Crapfuck. I might want him so much that the thought of losing him right after sharing one of the best kisses I’ve ever had is agonizing, but I’m not going to try stealing someone else’s man. Only Reita can make the decision to stay with me, but I thought he was straight, I thought that he was just curious. Hang on, was that all it was?
Curiosity?
I need a drink. Or make that two. And two will be three, four or five, because no one steals from their parents’ liquor cabinet just to have two drinks. Congratulations, Ruki, you just had the best fucking kiss in the world, and he doesn’t even love you.
“I love you.”
What? I choke on air pathetically, eyes widening in shock and disbelief as the three quietly spoken words reach my ears like blessings from the heavens above, yet I’m almost too afraid to believe it. Staring at him incredulously, I watch him blush, his cheeks turning rosy red as he keeps his head down, carefully avoiding my eyes. I should say something, do something, but although I’m desperately trying to find something to grasp for, my mind is empty, tumbling down the path of complete shock. I never - I didn’t - It’s - he… He loves me? Slowly, so very slowly, the words start to sink in, and I have to inhale sharply as I almost want to start crying because it’s exactly what I wanted to hear, it’s more than I ever thought he’d say to me, it’s what I thought he was forever unable to feel towards someone like me.
So I kiss him. Desperately clinging onto him, I latch my mouth upon his, whimpering at the back of my throat because it’s so unreal yet at the same time so real and I don’t know how to think, I just don’t want to let him out of my sight ever again, don’t want to let go. The kiss is nothing like the shy kiss we shared moments ago, no, this is pure desperation, us claiming each other possessively, tongues playing feverishly. This is unleashed need to be close, need to know that this is accepted, that this is wanted by both of us.
And when we finally part, we’re out of breath once again, yet I can’t quite tell if it’s only because of the possessive kiss, or because he makes me breathless just by being him. Thinking is something I’ve forgotten how to do, and all I can do is stare in amaze, watch as a shy smile curves his lips as he lets his fingertips trace my jawbone lightly, his eyes locked with mine. “I never thought”, he mumbles, blush intensifying, “that I’d ever dare to tell you that.”
Opening my mouth wordlessly, I take in the fact that his words indicate that this is not a recent discovery he’s made about his feelings towards me, something which makes my heart warm up with the peculiar sensation of being special to someone. Yet although I smile affectionately at these, to me, important words, I know there are things left unsaid, matters left to solve and, not to mention, the possibilities of a future to ask for.
“You have no idea how much that means to me”, I say, letting my fingers toy with strands of his blonde hair, “but…” I trail off, and I can see a flicker of anxiety roam over his beautiful face, something which I hurry to ease away by placing a reassuring, small kiss at the corner of his mouth. “As much as I hate to be the one to destroy the mood here, there’s questions I need to ask.” No one can say I’m not an honest and fair guy, when it all comes down to it. I watch Reita nod, his expression turning sheepish, and it’s apparent that he has at least a vague idea of what I have in mind. But even so, what he says next comes as a bizarre shock to me.
“There’s no girlfriend.” His voice is painted with endless layers of embarrassment and apprehension, as if he expects me to lash out upon hearing that confession. But all I can really do is to stare at him, because although I swear I heard him loud and clear, my mind is having great difficulties to quite understand just how much what he just said has changed the situation. No girlfriend? Moments of awkward silence passes as I’m trying to grasp for some sense to a situation that has spun out of control a long time ago. No Aiko-chan? That means…
“Your first…?” I start, voice cracked with disbelief, unable to elaborate the meaning of my broken question. But he notices that my shocked eyes dart towards his kiss-swollen lips, and, thank God, needs no further explanation to be able to answer by giving a short nod, looking away quickly as if immensely mortified that I now know.
But all I can think is, how adorable.
He gave me his first kiss. No wonder he was so close to flipping out. And then it dawns on me, finally, that no girlfriend means that he’s had no reason to be here at all, he’s had no reason to keep me company. He’s been lying to me ever since I met him, and suddenly I’m not surprised that he has been reluctant to speak of his so-called girlfriend. No truth came from that mouth, that tongue did not form any words that were real. I frown, and he notices it, for he starts to fidget nervously, his gaze darting back and forth between his hands and my eyes, unsure.
“Why did you lie to me?” I ask, feeling somehow betrayed. Dishonesty, from someone who I believed to be secretive, sure, but not lying, not someone I can’t trust to tell me the truth.
“I don’t… know”, he says unconvincingly, carefully avoiding to meet my eyes now, biting his lower lip as his fidgeting turns almost frantic, ripping the seams of his t-shirt seemingly without even noticing. If he doesn’t know, why is he here. If he doesn’t know, why has he been waiting here so many times now. If he doesn’t know, then how come he lied to me in the first place. Why? I keep my gaze fixed on his face, simply waiting for him to explain himself, because I want to know, and he knows I deserve an explanation. And when he does speak again, his voice is weak with embarrassment and fear - fear of what? Losing me? God knows I won’t give him up, I just want the truth. “I said it, because… I wanted to have an excuse to go here, every day”, he says, swallows, then continues, “just to meet you.”
My mouth opens wordless as my mind is taking in what he’s told me. “Really?” I breathe out rather stupidly, feeling my heart melt as his words sink deeper into the core. He just nods, blushing like never before, still avoiding my eyes as if he’d die looking into them. That’s when I recognize him. That’s when I realise that I have seen him before, at school. I don’t even know his name, because I’ve never cared to get to know him - and I just stay silent, ashamed of myself when I realise that he’s the quiet guy that everyone ignores. Or should I say, one of many, which makes him even more invisible and oh shit, how come I have never bothered to get to know him before?
“Blockhead?” I ask, voice shrill in my self-hate for not seeing him before. Reita flinches violently as he’s called by his school-name, eyes darting towards my shocked face and, after probably misreading my expression as one of horror, immediately starts scanning the environment for an escape.
“I’m so sorry!” he blurts out in panic, attempting to stand up. “I’m so, so, so sorry, I never should have - I’ll - I’ll just leave, I’m sorry, Ruki.” Up on his feet, he’s about to start into a run, but - thank my luck - I manage to grab his wrist with one of my hands and, rather unceremoniously, yank him down towards me, my lips crashing against his without a warning. I stare into his wide, stunned eyes as I make quick work of sliding my tongue into his mouth, my arms encircling his waist as I force him to stay put. Around us, people stop, they stare, they do whatever they want to do because I don’t care, Reita is mine.
And when he hesitantly starts to kiss me back, I break the kiss abruptly, rasping out, “What gave you the impression that you have anything to be sorry about, Reita? Don’t give yourself that much credit.” Unwavering, I’ve locked my eyes with his, daring him to ever consider looking away, yet I’m still surprised that he doesn’t falter. Emotions run across his face like a colourful spectacle that all blends to a messy blur as they move by too fast for me to focus on any of them.
“You’re very, uh, blunt sometimes, aren’t you”, he says then, a hesitant smile trying to chase away the momentary confusions and rough treatments. At this, my gaze softens, and I let out a slightly sheepish laugh, making the best imitation of a shrug that the situation allows. Placing a soothing kiss on his warm lips just because I can, I then sigh in contentment at being able to hold him close in public without having him squirming like mad to get out of my grip, like Uruha used to do. With that thought running through my mind, I realise that we’re both free for the day. We started the day in two separate relationships, only meeting briefly before parting to do whatever own business we have, but now those things have been promptly cancelled as we find ourselves in each other’s arms.
“Hey, you want to go have hot steaming sex in a closet?” I blurt out, a mischievous grin breaking out on my face as I take notice to how he goes rigid in my arms, eyes wide and alarmed. Deciding to tease him yet a moment longer, I kiss him slowly, seductively moving my lips against his before murmuring, “I thought it’d be kind of… fun. And if someone walks by when we, ah, step out later on, all we have to do is say we came out of the closet.”
“R-Ruki!” he stutters, clearly flustered, which only makes my grin grow wider. “I can’t - We can’t -” he tries, obviously thinking that I’m actually serious. As much as I’d not mind to ravish him right here right now, I am well aware that this is his first relationship - does that mean we’re together? And that the last thing I would want to do is to scare him away by rushing anything. I don’t mind slow. Reita’s worth slow.
“Just teasing”, I say affectionately, and I smile at how he relaxes immediately, albeit with the rosy red flush still colouring his cheeks. “But really, can we go somewhere?” I ask, continuing. “As much as I want to show you off like a trophy, because I like to flaunt that I am allowed to kiss someone as beautiful as you -”, this makes him look away and blush even more, “- all these staring people are starting to creep me out.”
He only manages a nod, and we start to detangle our bodies, somewhat clumsily, and I let out a small laugh, wondering how we look in the eyes of someone else. Is he as adorable as he is to me? Does his discomfort look awkward or simply endearing? When he’s safe on his feet without any accidents, I bounce up from the bench and, with a smile in his direction, motion for him to come with me.
We walk in silence for a while, and I wonder if he wants me to take his hand. I know I want to. But I don’t have to wonder for a long while, however, because soon enough, I feel his hand carefully taking mine, fingers intertwining almost hesitantly. I look up at him with a look of astonishment, but he only stares down at the ground in front of him, as if absorbed in making sure he won’t step wrong. Affectionately, I give his hand a reassuring squeeze, discreetly walking closer to him as we exit the train station. This makes him smile; just a small, thankful smile that makes my heart melt as he glances at me in his own, overly shy way.
“So what are we?” I ask, breathing in the semi-fresh air outside. At Reita’s questioning gaze, I shrug before walking even closer, bumping into him with a slightly shy smile. “You know… We, you and me… us? Is there an ‘us‘ now?” This question is followed by silence, just like I predicted. I feel his grip around my hand tighten ever so little, and I look up at him curiously, deep down wanting him to tell me we’re together now, not that I have to tell him that. He’s biting his lower lip frantically, a small frown of worry on his face, looking like he’s hesitating whether or not to say something. “Reita”, I say softly, and for a second, he meets my gaze before blushing and looking away, seemingly ashamed of something, something which I hope not is us. “Tell me what you want”, I practically beg him.
“D - Do you want to go out with me?!” he blurts out, nerves making his voice high and panicky as that familiar blush he’s been wearing almost the whole day makes itself even more obvious on his cheeks. And I can only repeat how adorable he is, even when his shyness gets almost tedious to break through. I stop walking, pulling him to halt as well, and at his nervous glance at me, I stand on my tiptoes and give him a chaste kiss on the lips before smiling genuinely.
“Thought you’d never ask, boyfriend”, I say, simply, earning myself a beautiful smile from him, leaving me staring in love. “I think I have a new nickname for you”, I then say in a singsong voice, just barely avoiding to giggle as he looks at me again, looking both surprised and, to my amusement, slightly alarmed. Grinning, I proclaim, “Stalker!”
He only laughs sheepishly, and when the laughter has subsided, a smile is left on his lips, one that he doesn’t let fade, and I have to tighten my grip around his hand to calm my mind in knowing that he is there, he is mine, and he’s not going to disappear. Reita, my boyfriend. Boyfriend. Lover? I could get used to this. I could get very used to this. Pulling him with me, I break into a run, laughing childishly, blissfully, earning us some weird looks from people we run past. And whenever I glance at him to see if he’s getting tired, all I can see is the smile on his lips, the lips that are mine to kiss.
God I love that smile.
The End. <3
-
I will be absent in November.
www.nanowrimo.org
Author: ccgensou
Genre: Sap/Fluff
Rating: PG-13
Band: The GazettE
Pairing: Reita/Ruki, hinted RukixUruha & ReitaxOC
Summary: Teenage AU. Ruki's POV. Two strangers sitting on a bench at a train station. What can a smile and some time change?
Comment: This was written simply as cheer-up writing. I haven‘t enjoyed writing something this much in ages, despite obvious imperfections and occasional faulty writing. Although a lot could be questioned about this, I decided to just write what I felt like writing. *nervous laugh* Comments are appreciated. <3
~
Multicoloured Ecstasy
He’s got a cute smile.
The first time we spoke was many weeks ago, at the exact same bench as the one we are sitting on right now. I was singing to myself, waiting for the train bringing Uruha to arrive, when he came to my bench, sitting down next to me on the space that I had been guarding from random people to claim. I remember how I stopped singing, frowning as I looked at him, and was just about to tell him to fuck off when he turned his head to look at me.
“You sing very well”, he told me, just barely loud enough to be heard through all the noise from the crowds around us, and that was when he smiled at me for the first time. That small, heart-melting and shy smile that I have yet not found anyone else able to compete with it in my list of adorable smiles. I guess you could say I fell for that smile - although in a totally platonic way of course, mind you, I have a boyfriend whose name I just happened to forget at the time.
All I could manage was a polite thank you, because something about him makes you need to slow down to be able to progress any other thoughts than who is this guy? Though as time goes, sometimes I wonder if I am the only one who sees this. When he’s around, people move past without even throwing a second glance towards him. It’s like he’s invisible to everyone but me. Even when I talk to Uruha about him, he doesn’t seem to think highly of him. Though not that I mind, I don’t like to share. It’s like he’s my own secret friend, with whom I share my own little private moments where I can watch him in all his glory without having to care about competition. Perhaps it’s his smile. Perhaps I’m just insane.
That first time, we didn’t talk more. We were two young strangers sitting on the same bench, which was all there was to it. But when Uruha’s train arrived and I was to leave, I looked back towards the bench to see him smile shyly at me and I knew that I would never forget that little moment.
Of course, what I did not know was that I would share many moments with that guy. It has become our common habit that whenever we are at the train station, we go to that bench in hope to see each other. I always keep telling myself on my way to the station that I can’t trust him to be there every time, yet he is more often there than he is not. He’s told me that he has a girlfriend, that’s why he’s there, either to wait for her or to wait for the next train to take him to her - and I’ve learned quickly that he misses his train a lot, making him spend a lot of time just sitting there waiting.
He calls himself Reita. No other name, just Reita, plain and simple. And he calls me Ruki. We are two anonymous people enjoying each other’s company. Obviously we both have real names, but it’s like we like to hide ourselves, and though I sometimes wish I knew his name so I could find out more about him, it’s somehow comforting to not know.
He’s sitting next to me right now, turned towards me with one foot on the ground and the other positioned on the bench, his knee bent. Seemingly absorbed in eating the food in the lunchbox sitting on the bench in front of him, the bleached blonde hair is falling over his eyes teasingly, but he doesn’t seem to mind. It’s like he’s used to hiding behind it, and I wonder what he would have to hide from.
Glancing up once, he notices that I’m looking at him, and the by now familiar blush colours his cheeks rosy red as he pauses his eating.
“I’m sorry, I’m not much company today, am I”, he says quietly, more of a statement than a question, with a small laugh following his words. He knows I don’t mind, but he has a polite nature, something that I find very appealing.
“You’re right, I should dump you straight ahead.” My reply is teasing and he only smiles in amusement at this, absently taking another bite of food with his eyes still locked with mine. He doesn’t do that a lot - dare to keep eye contact for a longer time. And true enough, soon he becomes shy again and stares down at his food as he continues to eat, albeit with less fervour this time around. “When’s your girlfriend going to arrive, anyway?” I ask, while looking at the time myself to see that I will have another fifteen minutes before my own boyfriend will be here.
Looking up in surprise over the question, he finishes to chew the food in his mouth before glancing towards the huge clock hanging up in the ceiling behind me. He opens his mouth as if to reply, but then seems to hesitate. He’s fidgeting, something has made him ill at ease and I don’t know what it is. “She said…” he starts, then pauses, then continues after a moment of silence, “She said she wasn’t sure which train she would manage to get on, so either in ten or forty minutes.”
For the sake of him not having to wait here all on his own, I nod as I hope that his girlfriend will have the decency to go with the first mentioned train. We both know - or at least I have deluded myself into believing that he knows just as many of the unspoken reliabilities between us as I do - that if he has to wait, I would gladly stay to keep him company for a while longer, if not for my boyfriend. Uruha doesn’t like Reita. It pains me to know that him and I have been fighting a lot more recently, the subject of the fights often being aforementioned guy. He doesn’t see why I should keep a stranger company, and he doesn’t see what is so special about Reita.
I told Reita about it once, only briefly, and sadly enough he seemed very guilty about causing issues in what up to the point when I met him had been a perfectly healthy relationship. I don’t blame him at all, I don’t. I blame Uruha for not accepting friendship. I’m not someone you can chain up and claim as your own, mind you, I want enough freedom to at least be able to socialize with Reita. Perhaps it’s his smile, perhaps that’s the key. Never in all the times Reita has met Uruha have I seen him smile that adorable smile that I first fell for. It makes me wonder if things would be better if I tell Reita to smile next time he meets Uruha, but every time that thought comes to my head, I dismiss it. If Uruha doesn’t accept Reita without a smile, then who am I to share. After all, what if Uruha decides to fall for him, too?
As I watch Reita finish up his lunch, I realise how afraid I am to lose him. What would I do if he would not be here to keep me company? Whenever he doesn’t show up and I have to sit on my own, I miss him. I wonder what he’s doing, who he’s with, if he’s happy, if he’s smiling that adorable smile towards someone else.
What if I’m not as special to him as he is to me.
It’s a frightening thought, it’s a frightening realisation to know you depend on someone so much even though in reality you barely know each other. I wonder what he would answer me if I dared to ask him what he thinks about me. I wonder, in all secrecy, if he loves to be around me as much as I love to be around him.
“What are you thinking about?” he asks, making me snap out of my thoughts and realise that I am staring at him. He stares back - curious, dark eyes watching me. For a short moment I panic, thinking that he can read me like an open book, and that would be devastating because something about my thoughts about him seem so forbidden, even though I always emphasis the innocence, the friendship. But then I come to my senses as I see how stupid it is to think that he could have any idea what I am thinking.
“Nothing of importance”, I answer simply, smiling when he looks slightly disappointed, as if he really thought I would have something interesting to tell him. In a way, I guess I have, but for now I don’t want to tell him, I don’t want to scare him away if he only thinks of me as someone to pass time with. “How about you?”
He looks at me for a while, and I wait. Then he carefully packs away his lunchbox into his black bag, before he proceeds to now put up both feet on the bench, his arms around his knees as he tilts his head slightly to his side. He’s beautiful, I think absently as I see a small, embarrassed blush tint his otherwise pale skin. Averting his eyes to the little space there is between us, he clears his throat in unease before he finally replies, “I’ve never kissed a boy.”
For a moment I don’t understand what he is saying. Then it dawns on me and my mouth forms to a small oh, my gaze turning curiously amused and slightly fascinated as he continues to look away, the blush on his face turning the most charming colour of red. A smile lights up my face, and then I let out a soft laugh. “Ah, so you are wondering how it is to kiss a guy.” He nods, barely a dip of his head to confirm what I said. I can’t help to find it adorable for him to think about something like that. Besides blushing like mad and being almost abnormally shy about a lot of things, Reita is a rather masculine guy, and I have had no doubts that he is completely straight. Until now, that is to say. Kiss a guy?
I would kiss him any day of the week if he’d ask for it. There’s no denying that I have wondered what it would be like to kiss those lips that can curve into the smile that I love. That is, out of sheer curiosity of course, because I do have a boyfriend, who I just tend to forget sometimes when I’m with Reita. He knows, of course. He knows I‘m bisexual and he knows about Uruha, I’ve told him about him and he doesn’t seem to mind. “Do you want me to kiss you?” I ask suddenly, grinning mischievously at him as his eyes widens and his shocked gaze finds mine.
“W - what?” he stutters confusedly, and I have to suppress a laugh because I highly doubt that it wasn’t what he was thinking. My mind has no problem warming up to the thought of his lips pressed against mine, in fact the thought of it makes my heart flutter with excitement as I hold my breath, just waiting, waiting for him to please not say no.
“I wouldn’t mind, you know”, I say after a while of silence, and something makes my confidence falter as I turn my gaze down to stare at my hands. Rushing to keep the silence at bay, I continue, “It would just be a quick kiss, no tongues, and then you wouldn’t have to wonder.”
Glancing up, I see him biting his lips with something looking like worry on his handsome face, along with very apparent hesitation, and I feel my heart drop as I know that he will say no. But what could I have expected from him, he’s got a girlfriend who he probably loves very much, and I am only a familiar stranger sitting next to him on a bench as he waits for her to come save him from boredom. And I have Uruha, I remind myself as an afterthought.
“I don’t want my first kiss to be a random experiment”, he says finally, voice quiet.
I stare at him for a while, wondering if he has realised what he just said. If he has a girlfriend then he has surely kissed someone before, which wouldn’t make me the first one to touch those heavenly lips with my own sinful ones. Mentally correcting his sentence to; first kiss with a guy, I nod slowly, understanding and accepting his wishes. “What if it wouldn’t be a random experiment?” I then ask, before I can stop myself.
His gaze darts up to meet my eyes in surprise once again, and then he quickly blurts out, in a matter-of-factly voice, “You have a boyfriend.”
Whatever amusement might have lingered on my face disappears as I turn my head away from him, staring ahead of me without really seeing the crowds passing by without paying us any attention. “And you’re just a curious, straight guy who has a girlfriend you just tend to forget all about”, I say, just as matter-of-factly as he did. I glance at the time. “A girlfriend who didn‘t show up with the first train, might I add.” Looking back at him, I notice that he is carefully avoiding my eyes, and I realise that what I said was rather bitterly blunt. “Ah… Didn’t mean to sound so rude.”
He just smiles. And I know we’re okay when he does, because he has the most genuine smile I’ve ever seen. Sometimes I think that his girlfriend does not deserve someone like him, sometimes I can’t help to think that I would be able to take care of him better than anyone could. Because they don’t seem close, he and his girl, it’s like one of those couples that meet a lot and hang out a lot but never get to know each other, caught in a sort of dead, monotonous phase. And Reita might not know it, but I can’t help to notice that sad shadow over his features whenever she’s in the topic.
I remember the first time he spoke of her. It was the third time we met here, at this bench, but it was the first time we really spoke to each other properly. He was messaging someone, and I watched him in silence, amazed as always over how he looks so handsome in his own little special way that no one else seems to understand. So I asked him what he was doing here, where he was going.
“What?” he spluttered out at first, looking up as if in shock over the fact that I had actually said anything directed towards him. “Oh”, he then breathed out softly. “Just… my girlfriend”, he answered finally, hesitantly, almost looking afraid for a moment, as if he expected me to laugh at him. I didn’t laugh, however I did smile.
“What’s her name?” I remember asking him, encouraging him to join in for a conversation.
“Aiko”, he said after a long pause, as if he was still hesitant whether or not to speak to me or not. “Aiko-chan, that’s her name.”
Being a stranger, I didn’t dare to ask more about her at that occasion, but over time, he’s told me small things whenever he notices I’m too curious to let it slide. It’s like he doesn’t want to speak of her around me, or perhaps in front of anyone. It makes me wonder if he ever talks about me to anyone. A part of me is hoping that he does, just to know that I am someone important enough to mention. Another part of me wants him not to, yet if he doesn’t it makes me afraid he might not because I’m no one special. In truth, I want him to keep me a secret because I want him to think of us as an out of the ordinary match that doesn’t need others to know.
Excluding Uruha who’s found us sitting there talking many times when I’ve forgotten to go and meet up with him as his train arrives, I haven’t told anyone else. Reita is my own secret, and for now, I want to keep it that way.
“Shouldn’t your boyfriend be here by now?” he asks suddenly, and I am quickly brought back to the present time being, just in time to meet his eyes as he looks back at me after glancing at the clock. After a moment of gazing into those captivating eyes, I make myself turn slightly where I sit to see what time it is, and sure enough, Uruha should have been here by now.
“Oh, you’re right”, I breathe out, finding that I couldn’t care less if he’s here or not, but not letting this thought being known to him. He looks at me for a while, letting the silence lapse over us as it comes clear that I have no intentions of speaking up again. I watch his gaze dart away after a few moments, watch how he absently raises a hand to scratch at the nape of his neck before his eyes finds mine again. And I can’t help to feel content with the idea of staying in his company a little more, can’t help to be thankful. He’s gorgeous.
“Do you think he missed his stop?” he asks after another while of silence, biting down on his lower lip after uttering the words, as if uncertain whether he should have asked or not. My eyes closely follows the way his teeth nibble at the soft skin, watching the pressure almost making it yield, and I have to blink away the confusion as I make the secret vision of his lips against mine fade to the very back of my mind before I can let myself focus on what he’s actually saying.
Oh. Uruha.
“No”, I hurry to say, voice confident. “He’s not coming.” At this proclamation, he’s confused, staring down at his hands with a small frown on his beautiful face as he breathes out a small oh. I can tell that he is trying to find some explanation to this, but I know that he won’t find anything to grasp for. I smile softly, reaching out a hand to touch his knee, and upon contact he looks up, letting one of his feet fall back on the ground to proceed to sit in what would make anyone else look perfectly comfortable, except him. Somehow not him. Because to me, all this does is to make me think that he’s trying to pretend he’s unfazed, and I can tell he’s unsure, he doesn’t know if we have crossed the line where he can’t ask any more questions. Yet he wants to know how I can be so sure that Uruha won’t come, that’s why he keeps making eye contact just to look away and then look up again, over and over.
“Screw being polite, Reita. Ask”, I demand with a laugh.
He gets a sheepish grin on his face for a little while, shrugging uncomfortably before asking, “How do you know that he won’t come?”
I gaze at him for a while, wondering myself how I can be so sure. Yet as see him look away, seemingly embarrassed to have asked even though I made him to, I remember yesterday. I remember Uruha, leaning against the counter in the kitchen of his parents’ house. I remember the sun shining in through the window and I remember how the light made his hair shimmer beautifully, but even more strongly I remember how I couldn’t think of anything else than conversations I had earlier that day with another guy. It was supposed to be us-time, yet we both suddenly were acting like strangers towards each other. If I go back even further in my memories, further back in time, an hour more, I can hear myself talking to Uruha, mentioning something Reita said, and I can see how his smile faded, see how he turned his face away from me. He looked almost… disappointed with me.
Then he started asking me small questions; they seemed strange at that point of time, but they make sense now that I think of it. He asked about Reita, he asked what I thought of him and other questions that I had no problem answering because they were about Reita. But then he asked me, “Why are you with me if you love him the more?”
And I never did answer that question.
Because how do you answer something you do not know, how do you answer something you didn’t even know was a question needing answer. How do you answer that when you want to say that you love him, yet at the same time you envision yourself in the arms of another. How?
I snap back into the present when Reita’s slightly worried eyes searches my face for a notion of something. “Ruki?” he asks. “Are you okay? You spaced out.” Not knowing what to say to that, I only shrug and smile apologetically, but Reita seems to have a fair guess of what I was thinking about, because he continues, “Maybe this isn’t my question to ask, but has something happened between you and Uruha-san?”
I’m struck with how amusing the situation might seem. Here we are, in the middle of a train station packed with people who, thankfully, never pay us a second glance, and we act as if we are all alone. I steal a glance at Reita, feeling strangely lucky to have him near, feeling special to have him being concerned over me, just happy that he cares. It’s true, I adore him. “I think it’s over”, I finally tell him quietly, keeping my gaze down now, watching my own hands’ movement as I fiddle with loose threads on my jeans, pulling at them and creating a smaller sized mess.
I hear him inhale sharply in, well, I don’t know. Shock? Disbelief? Compassion? Hell if I know. Hell if I care. I turn my head slightly in his direction as he gently puts his hand on my shoulder, as if to comfort me, but I refuse to look up. Something just makes me unable to. I know I should be sad, Uruha and I have been together for a long time now and I admit that it’s confusing to realise that he won’t be there for me anymore. It’s an empty feeling, a hollow place in my heart where he used to be, but beside the feeling of loneliness, I can’t cry, because something else has taken the sorrow’s room. Something - someone - has started to take Uruha’s place. And I didn’t even realise until now.
But how can anyone not fall for that smile.
“I - I’m sorry, I didn’t know, are you okay? I shouldn’t have asked if it was personal, it -” Reita tries to offer as an apology, as if it wasn’t my decision and mine alone to actually utter those words, as if he hasn’t been polite enough already. And I can’t help to smile as I shake my head, looking up and making him fall silent. I know that my face shines with nothing but adoration, nothing but affection, and that confuses him.
“Don’t think so much”, I say quietly. “You haven’t seen me become angry because you asked, have you.” I can’t help to be amused that the guy can be so unsure, in a way that’s almost absurd. Watching as a sheepish smile curves his lips, I wonder what he would do if I kissed him. He did wonder what it would be like. He did practically ask me to. He has a girlfriend, I remind myself suddenly, and I feel my heart drop to the pit of my stomach. It’s shameful to even think about stealing a kiss that would be forbidden and not to mention highly unwanted. He said so himself, didn’t he? He wanted it to mean something. It’s not enough that I care for him as deeply as I have come to do, it’s not enough that his smile can warm my heart, is it. Because he doesn’t feel the same, does he?
It’s wrong to play with curiosity.
“No”, he says after a while, answering a question he didn‘t need to answer, still appearing to be a bit worried as he looks at me closely. “But why didn’t you tell me? I could’ve refrained from saying some of the more stupid things concerning your boyfriend”, he continues, then his eyes widens as he quickly adds, “I’m sorry, I meant ex… ex boyfriend.” The frown on his beautiful face tells me he’s mentally scolding himself for being so tactless, and my eyes are shamefully drawn to his lips as his tongue darts out in all innocence to lick dry lips, before he starts to bite his lower lip again. I have already labelled it as a bad nervous habit of his.
“Because I didn’t realise it until now”, I say, making myself look into his questioning eyes instead. “We slipped apart”, I continue, saving him the embarrassment of asking questions he shouldn’t be asking. Then I let my eyes wander away to the crowds passing us as I tell him that, “He says I love someone else more than him.” And I can’t stop the small smile forming on my lips as I think that if he only knew. If he only knew who I meant when I said that, then what would he do?
“And - And do you?” he asks, stumbling over his own words once again, seemingly unable to be comfortable in the situation.
I look up at him again, letting my eyes search his face, observing every shadow on his skin, every hair gone astray, every reflecting light in his dark eyes. I really look at him, and for every second passing, every moment of blessed time moving by, my smile grows, until I’m probably beaming at him, because if he’s not reason enough to smile then nothing is. There’s no need to think twice before I answer, “Yes.”
Then I do something I shouldn’t do, had I any common sense left, but he makes me lose it, he makes my mind crash to be reborn from the ashes of shame. So I touch him. My cold hand in contrast with his warm cheek in a sheepish caress, telling him with actions and not words something that I can’t even begin to understand myself. I don’t expect him to take it easily, and a moment later I let my hand fall down as I look away, my smile turning sad before fading. I am afraid. It’s too late to make it undone, but I still helplessly wish that I could, because what I am afraid of is that he will be disgusted, or too uncomfortable to be around me, making him leave me entirely alone forevermore.
“Ruki?” he asks, voice high-pitched. Would it not be because of the aching pain at hearing his panicky voice speak my name, I would tease him. But I’m exhausted, and though I want to think of myself as brave, I know I’m not, because were I more brave, I would not just sit there in silence, staring down at my hands resting in my lap. I would offer him an explanation, but I can’t. There are moments in everyone’s life when you just lose all your words and all your sanity. “Ruki?” he repeats, this time pleading, as if he’s grasping for me to offer some sense to the situation, seemingly unaware that all my good sense probably dispersed the moment he first smiled at me, so many weeks ago.
“Reita”, I only say in return, in what I hope is a light-hearted tone of voice, but I am aware that it very likely came out slightly mocking. I can never stop trying to avoid embarrassing myself in front of Reita, I can never stop needing to try effortlessly to wrap myself in a perfection that has never been meant for me. It’s instinct, animalistic need to look good to - what? To breed? Or to live an act that would satisfy carnal instinct, in my case. Perhaps I should become a monk in a faraway village up somewhere in the mountains, forever denying my want to touch, to feel, to love the beautiful young man who seems to be frozen on the spot, sitting next to me.
I close my eyes to the surroundings and take a deep breath to reach for whatever strength I can find to confront the mess I have put myself in, but I don’t get as far as to open my eyes again before a sensation so sweet I could faint immediately is quite literally hitting me as lips crash against mine.
Soft, sweet, overwhelming. Unexpected proximity so sudden that my eyes snap open in shock, and I find myself staring right into Reita’s dark, wide eyes, so close. My mind is running in circles, around and round in emptiness, balancing on the thin line of sanity, and is this real? We’re both like paralysed, staring at each other as if time has stopped moving, lips pressed against each other, both of us breathing unevenly as we are probably both trying to figure out if this is truly is a real situation. Is it? His lips are warm, unearthly perfect resting with gentle pressure against mine, and if this is a dream, then - I never want to wake up.
Fear. I can see fear seeping into his eyes, panic spreading like wildfire through his veins as he’s realising what he’s done and what he‘s still doing. And he’s confused, he’s so very confused and real that I have to take in the fact that this is not a piece of imagination. But I can tell that he is about to draw back, I can tell he’s about to break the heaven into earth again, and I cannot let that happen, I cannot let him go now. Making a small sound at the back of my throat, I let my eyes fall close, giving him my wholehearted trust with that simple gesture, before moving my lips against his so lightly, so carefully, afraid to scare him away, afraid of a lot of things.
He doesn’t move as I hesitantly continue what he started, gently kissing him with a touch so fragile that I almost wonder if he can even feel it, but unable to make myself do more than that, afraid he might fly away from me if I do anything wrong. My heart is beating so fast in my chest that I’m afraid it’ll burst into thousands of shattered pieces never to be found again. It’s so awkward that weren’t it because I want this so badly, I would run for the hills, but I make myself stay, repeating over and over to myself that he made the first move, it can’t be entirely unwanted, I am not doing anything wrong. Am I?
Yet he’s still paralysed to the spot, and I have to stop, but I’m unable to make myself move away immediately, afraid of losing the contact I’ve been craving. So I slowly open my eyes, meeting his unsure gaze, trying to find something to hold onto, something saying that he wants this. But all I can see is hesitation, all I can see is that fear, and I wonder what he’s so afraid of, I wonder if it’s my fault or someone else’s, wonder if he’ll ever overcome that fear or if I should give up now. Knowing that I will regret it, I decide to move back an inch, breaking the sweet closeness and averting my eyes, swallowing as my nerves are starting to be painfully reminded.
But barely a second has passed before his lips latch upon mine once again, and my eyes go wide in shock as he starts to kiss me with unsure, awkward yet somehow heavenly perfect touches of soft lips. I forget to breathe as I watch his eyes fall close, see the short, dark eyelashes come to rest against his skin. Everything about him screams out anxiety, and I hear him make a small sound resembling of a whimper as he presses his lips more forcefully against mine, kiss still tender yet somehow pleading. And I snap out of my state of shock, hesitantly answering the kiss, careful once again not to scare him, yet he does not draw back.
My eyes flutter shut as I raise a hand, placing it gently against his cheek, caressing the skin I touched for the first time just mere moments ago, and it is as if that touch comforts him, because suddenly it’s not as awkward anymore. It’s perfect, so perfect, it’s more than I could ever imagine it to be to kiss those beautiful lips. Kissing him is so unlike kissing Uruha, they are so different from each other, but I know that I could easily get used to this, get used to the feeling of melting against his shy kiss, if he lets me.
Tilting my head slightly to the side, I gain confidence enough to take control, moving my lips against his in what I hope is a reassuring way, still carefully keeping it slow as to not make him shy away. But I absently feel one of his arms slipping around my waist, hesitantly pulling me closer to his warm body, and I have to smile tenderly into the kiss, wondering if this is my cue to take it further. So I ask for more, tongue gently tracing his bottom lip, and although he seems to go rigid at first, he gives it to me after a few nerve-wracking moments when right was wrong and wrong was right. And my heart is racing, my mind is lost in a cloud of euphoria as he’s taking me to the top of the stairs leading to heaven, our tongues now touching, playing, exploring new territory with a strange sort of shyness. If it would be possible to melt into someone’s touch, I would. If it would be possible to give your heart to someone without carving your own chest out, I would.
And though I never want it to end, it does. Breathless, we have to end the kiss, our lips lingering against each other for yet a couple of seconds before we draw back, and I slowly let my eyes open to the world of actuality once again. For a while, all I can do is take uneven breaths of air as I gaze at him through some kind of multicoloured daze of ecstasy, my mind seemingly feather born. He stares back, a flush colouring his cheeks, appearing incredulous to the situation, and I dearly hope that he does not regret it, because I sure as hell don’t want this to be edged with guilt. After taking another few gulps of air, I sheepishly lick my lips, letting one of my hands come to rest against the fabric of the black t-shirt hiding his chest from my view.
I absently wonder if it is supposed to be that good, if it’s supposed to make you feel quite like that, when in all reality it was awkward, unsure and, well… first-kiss-esque.
Wham.
Uh, oh, crowds, staring, crowds, staring, crowds. Staring.
“What do you think you’re all looking at? Fuck off!” I exclaim, snapping out of the daze and following it up with a string of irate curses, all while glaring daggers at every by-passer unfortunate enough to have chosen to stay to watch the little freakshow we undoubtedly made for them. I notice that my hand is clutching the fabric of his t-shirt in a possessive manner, and all I want to do is to protect him from the rude citizens who should all be shipped off to The Land of Homophobia. I mean, how dare they -
“Crap.”
It’s a weak voice, faint and, weren’t it because I’m so close to him, almost inaudible. I look back at him immediately, worry marking my face, and although I open my mouth to say something, to tell him it’s alright, to tell him not to bother trying to please society, I choke on all my words as I realise that I have no right. He’s got a girlfriend. Crap? Crapfuck. I might want him so much that the thought of losing him right after sharing one of the best kisses I’ve ever had is agonizing, but I’m not going to try stealing someone else’s man. Only Reita can make the decision to stay with me, but I thought he was straight, I thought that he was just curious. Hang on, was that all it was?
Curiosity?
I need a drink. Or make that two. And two will be three, four or five, because no one steals from their parents’ liquor cabinet just to have two drinks. Congratulations, Ruki, you just had the best fucking kiss in the world, and he doesn’t even love you.
“I love you.”
What? I choke on air pathetically, eyes widening in shock and disbelief as the three quietly spoken words reach my ears like blessings from the heavens above, yet I’m almost too afraid to believe it. Staring at him incredulously, I watch him blush, his cheeks turning rosy red as he keeps his head down, carefully avoiding my eyes. I should say something, do something, but although I’m desperately trying to find something to grasp for, my mind is empty, tumbling down the path of complete shock. I never - I didn’t - It’s - he… He loves me? Slowly, so very slowly, the words start to sink in, and I have to inhale sharply as I almost want to start crying because it’s exactly what I wanted to hear, it’s more than I ever thought he’d say to me, it’s what I thought he was forever unable to feel towards someone like me.
So I kiss him. Desperately clinging onto him, I latch my mouth upon his, whimpering at the back of my throat because it’s so unreal yet at the same time so real and I don’t know how to think, I just don’t want to let him out of my sight ever again, don’t want to let go. The kiss is nothing like the shy kiss we shared moments ago, no, this is pure desperation, us claiming each other possessively, tongues playing feverishly. This is unleashed need to be close, need to know that this is accepted, that this is wanted by both of us.
And when we finally part, we’re out of breath once again, yet I can’t quite tell if it’s only because of the possessive kiss, or because he makes me breathless just by being him. Thinking is something I’ve forgotten how to do, and all I can do is stare in amaze, watch as a shy smile curves his lips as he lets his fingertips trace my jawbone lightly, his eyes locked with mine. “I never thought”, he mumbles, blush intensifying, “that I’d ever dare to tell you that.”
Opening my mouth wordlessly, I take in the fact that his words indicate that this is not a recent discovery he’s made about his feelings towards me, something which makes my heart warm up with the peculiar sensation of being special to someone. Yet although I smile affectionately at these, to me, important words, I know there are things left unsaid, matters left to solve and, not to mention, the possibilities of a future to ask for.
“You have no idea how much that means to me”, I say, letting my fingers toy with strands of his blonde hair, “but…” I trail off, and I can see a flicker of anxiety roam over his beautiful face, something which I hurry to ease away by placing a reassuring, small kiss at the corner of his mouth. “As much as I hate to be the one to destroy the mood here, there’s questions I need to ask.” No one can say I’m not an honest and fair guy, when it all comes down to it. I watch Reita nod, his expression turning sheepish, and it’s apparent that he has at least a vague idea of what I have in mind. But even so, what he says next comes as a bizarre shock to me.
“There’s no girlfriend.” His voice is painted with endless layers of embarrassment and apprehension, as if he expects me to lash out upon hearing that confession. But all I can really do is to stare at him, because although I swear I heard him loud and clear, my mind is having great difficulties to quite understand just how much what he just said has changed the situation. No girlfriend? Moments of awkward silence passes as I’m trying to grasp for some sense to a situation that has spun out of control a long time ago. No Aiko-chan? That means…
“Your first…?” I start, voice cracked with disbelief, unable to elaborate the meaning of my broken question. But he notices that my shocked eyes dart towards his kiss-swollen lips, and, thank God, needs no further explanation to be able to answer by giving a short nod, looking away quickly as if immensely mortified that I now know.
But all I can think is, how adorable.
He gave me his first kiss. No wonder he was so close to flipping out. And then it dawns on me, finally, that no girlfriend means that he’s had no reason to be here at all, he’s had no reason to keep me company. He’s been lying to me ever since I met him, and suddenly I’m not surprised that he has been reluctant to speak of his so-called girlfriend. No truth came from that mouth, that tongue did not form any words that were real. I frown, and he notices it, for he starts to fidget nervously, his gaze darting back and forth between his hands and my eyes, unsure.
“Why did you lie to me?” I ask, feeling somehow betrayed. Dishonesty, from someone who I believed to be secretive, sure, but not lying, not someone I can’t trust to tell me the truth.
“I don’t… know”, he says unconvincingly, carefully avoiding to meet my eyes now, biting his lower lip as his fidgeting turns almost frantic, ripping the seams of his t-shirt seemingly without even noticing. If he doesn’t know, why is he here. If he doesn’t know, why has he been waiting here so many times now. If he doesn’t know, then how come he lied to me in the first place. Why? I keep my gaze fixed on his face, simply waiting for him to explain himself, because I want to know, and he knows I deserve an explanation. And when he does speak again, his voice is weak with embarrassment and fear - fear of what? Losing me? God knows I won’t give him up, I just want the truth. “I said it, because… I wanted to have an excuse to go here, every day”, he says, swallows, then continues, “just to meet you.”
My mouth opens wordless as my mind is taking in what he’s told me. “Really?” I breathe out rather stupidly, feeling my heart melt as his words sink deeper into the core. He just nods, blushing like never before, still avoiding my eyes as if he’d die looking into them. That’s when I recognize him. That’s when I realise that I have seen him before, at school. I don’t even know his name, because I’ve never cared to get to know him - and I just stay silent, ashamed of myself when I realise that he’s the quiet guy that everyone ignores. Or should I say, one of many, which makes him even more invisible and oh shit, how come I have never bothered to get to know him before?
“Blockhead?” I ask, voice shrill in my self-hate for not seeing him before. Reita flinches violently as he’s called by his school-name, eyes darting towards my shocked face and, after probably misreading my expression as one of horror, immediately starts scanning the environment for an escape.
“I’m so sorry!” he blurts out in panic, attempting to stand up. “I’m so, so, so sorry, I never should have - I’ll - I’ll just leave, I’m sorry, Ruki.” Up on his feet, he’s about to start into a run, but - thank my luck - I manage to grab his wrist with one of my hands and, rather unceremoniously, yank him down towards me, my lips crashing against his without a warning. I stare into his wide, stunned eyes as I make quick work of sliding my tongue into his mouth, my arms encircling his waist as I force him to stay put. Around us, people stop, they stare, they do whatever they want to do because I don’t care, Reita is mine.
And when he hesitantly starts to kiss me back, I break the kiss abruptly, rasping out, “What gave you the impression that you have anything to be sorry about, Reita? Don’t give yourself that much credit.” Unwavering, I’ve locked my eyes with his, daring him to ever consider looking away, yet I’m still surprised that he doesn’t falter. Emotions run across his face like a colourful spectacle that all blends to a messy blur as they move by too fast for me to focus on any of them.
“You’re very, uh, blunt sometimes, aren’t you”, he says then, a hesitant smile trying to chase away the momentary confusions and rough treatments. At this, my gaze softens, and I let out a slightly sheepish laugh, making the best imitation of a shrug that the situation allows. Placing a soothing kiss on his warm lips just because I can, I then sigh in contentment at being able to hold him close in public without having him squirming like mad to get out of my grip, like Uruha used to do. With that thought running through my mind, I realise that we’re both free for the day. We started the day in two separate relationships, only meeting briefly before parting to do whatever own business we have, but now those things have been promptly cancelled as we find ourselves in each other’s arms.
“Hey, you want to go have hot steaming sex in a closet?” I blurt out, a mischievous grin breaking out on my face as I take notice to how he goes rigid in my arms, eyes wide and alarmed. Deciding to tease him yet a moment longer, I kiss him slowly, seductively moving my lips against his before murmuring, “I thought it’d be kind of… fun. And if someone walks by when we, ah, step out later on, all we have to do is say we came out of the closet.”
“R-Ruki!” he stutters, clearly flustered, which only makes my grin grow wider. “I can’t - We can’t -” he tries, obviously thinking that I’m actually serious. As much as I’d not mind to ravish him right here right now, I am well aware that this is his first relationship - does that mean we’re together? And that the last thing I would want to do is to scare him away by rushing anything. I don’t mind slow. Reita’s worth slow.
“Just teasing”, I say affectionately, and I smile at how he relaxes immediately, albeit with the rosy red flush still colouring his cheeks. “But really, can we go somewhere?” I ask, continuing. “As much as I want to show you off like a trophy, because I like to flaunt that I am allowed to kiss someone as beautiful as you -”, this makes him look away and blush even more, “- all these staring people are starting to creep me out.”
He only manages a nod, and we start to detangle our bodies, somewhat clumsily, and I let out a small laugh, wondering how we look in the eyes of someone else. Is he as adorable as he is to me? Does his discomfort look awkward or simply endearing? When he’s safe on his feet without any accidents, I bounce up from the bench and, with a smile in his direction, motion for him to come with me.
We walk in silence for a while, and I wonder if he wants me to take his hand. I know I want to. But I don’t have to wonder for a long while, however, because soon enough, I feel his hand carefully taking mine, fingers intertwining almost hesitantly. I look up at him with a look of astonishment, but he only stares down at the ground in front of him, as if absorbed in making sure he won’t step wrong. Affectionately, I give his hand a reassuring squeeze, discreetly walking closer to him as we exit the train station. This makes him smile; just a small, thankful smile that makes my heart melt as he glances at me in his own, overly shy way.
“So what are we?” I ask, breathing in the semi-fresh air outside. At Reita’s questioning gaze, I shrug before walking even closer, bumping into him with a slightly shy smile. “You know… We, you and me… us? Is there an ‘us‘ now?” This question is followed by silence, just like I predicted. I feel his grip around my hand tighten ever so little, and I look up at him curiously, deep down wanting him to tell me we’re together now, not that I have to tell him that. He’s biting his lower lip frantically, a small frown of worry on his face, looking like he’s hesitating whether or not to say something. “Reita”, I say softly, and for a second, he meets my gaze before blushing and looking away, seemingly ashamed of something, something which I hope not is us. “Tell me what you want”, I practically beg him.
“D - Do you want to go out with me?!” he blurts out, nerves making his voice high and panicky as that familiar blush he’s been wearing almost the whole day makes itself even more obvious on his cheeks. And I can only repeat how adorable he is, even when his shyness gets almost tedious to break through. I stop walking, pulling him to halt as well, and at his nervous glance at me, I stand on my tiptoes and give him a chaste kiss on the lips before smiling genuinely.
“Thought you’d never ask, boyfriend”, I say, simply, earning myself a beautiful smile from him, leaving me staring in love. “I think I have a new nickname for you”, I then say in a singsong voice, just barely avoiding to giggle as he looks at me again, looking both surprised and, to my amusement, slightly alarmed. Grinning, I proclaim, “Stalker!”
He only laughs sheepishly, and when the laughter has subsided, a smile is left on his lips, one that he doesn’t let fade, and I have to tighten my grip around his hand to calm my mind in knowing that he is there, he is mine, and he’s not going to disappear. Reita, my boyfriend. Boyfriend. Lover? I could get used to this. I could get very used to this. Pulling him with me, I break into a run, laughing childishly, blissfully, earning us some weird looks from people we run past. And whenever I glance at him to see if he’s getting tired, all I can see is the smile on his lips, the lips that are mine to kiss.
God I love that smile.
The End. <3
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I will be absent in November.
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