proof-read a letter for me?

[cest_lui]

This letter is due tomorrow at 10:00am...could somebody proof-read it for me?

(The format is messed up from copying and pasting...printed out it looks like a normal letter, I promise...)

Comments

[funnel101]

Besides these reasons, I also have nearly a quarter-century of personal life experiences that relate to the field of Child and Family Studies, growing up with a mentally ill and substance-abusing parent as I did.

Rephrase the clause after Family Studies as: as I grew up with a mentally ill and substance-abusing parent.

Also among my life experiences are my desire to ultimately earn my Master’s in Social Work (MSW) and work in direct practice with at-risk youths, plus my own academic dissatisfaction with and personal full and permanent renunciation of religion, the field in which I currently(awkwardly) find myself.

This needs to be reworded; it's very awkward the way it is now. Also, you're using religion in two different ways in this sentence: one, as a general faith, and two, as an academic field. Pick one.

[cest_lui]

Thank you. I'm trying to re-word it and I can't figure out how...

BTW, at Berea College, the faculty of the Religion Department are all Protestant ministers (except one), and since BC is a Christian college, the general faith and academic discipline are the same thing here, unlike at a public university where "religious studies" is a different animal.

[iniswitryn]

Paragraph 1, sentence 5: "...Dr. Althea Webb), and this is solidified my interest..." - get rid of the "is".

Regarding the problematic half-paragraph immediately following, how about something like this:

"Additionally, having grown up with a mentally ill and substance-abusing parent gives me nearly a quarter-century of personal life experiences that relate to the field of Child and Family Studies. My ultimate desire is to earn my Master’s in Social Work (MSW) and work in direct practice with at-risk youths. I am certain I will find this field much more rewarding and helpful to both myself and to the youth with whom I wish to work than my original major of religious studies, which I chose as an inexperienced and younger student, but now as a (junior?)find a most awkward fit with my revised beliefs and more highly developed goals."

[cest_lui]

Woah...I really like that. Thank you!

[dropi_i_hafith]

He never knows when to stop with TMI!

I know this from personal experience; living with a mentally ill and pinky-mouse-abusing neighbor.

Just being an ass :)