Empty Air

[hunhamburger]

Day of Challenge: Week One, Challenge 1/5
Title: Empty Air
Pairing:Chanyeol/Baekhyun
Rating: PG
Genre:Angst
Length:547
Summary/Warnings: Challenge number 22 for xoxocamp using the song Please Don't by K.Will

Comments

[gokulex59]

Well... isn't this heartbreaking.

There are probably a lot of things Chanyeol holds back and are the source of the problems, but that's how life works, doesn't it? You just can't say everything.

[hunhamburger]

Well, heartbreaking was my goal so thank you!
Thanks for taking the time to read and comment! :)

[edoriko]

Ah that was really sad ;w;

Okay, critique time~

Overall the writing was very nice, I liked your descriptions and I thought the flow was good. But try to be careful of having too many sentences with a verb clause at the end.

(ex. Streetlamps occasionally flashed light into through the car, illuminating it momentarily before fading back to gray

or But the selfish half of him wanted to drive onward, spare himself the pain of seeing the innocent gold ring around his best friends finger. )

Instead of tacking it on in the end, try to vary it a bit more by putting them at the beginning or connecting the sentence with and.

(The only reason I thought to point this out is because I have a bad habit of using "blahblah, -ing blahblah" type sentences all the time. Anyway, I don't think it's really a problem but maybe just try to keep it in mind. ^^)

[hunhamburger]

I never noticed that! You're right! Now when I look back I see exactly what you mean ><"
Thank you so much, this critique is really helpful! <3

[edoriko]

Glad I could help! ^^

[anonymous]

this made me feel a little unnerved.. it was really heart-wrenching and none of your mistakes really took away from the plot

[hunhamburger]

Thank you! I should really go through this and fix all of my grammar and spelling mistakes ><"