Delicious Irony (And Other Acquired Tastes): Chapter Eleven
Delicious Irony (And Other Acquired Tastes)
Authoress: chelime
Rating: R
Disclaimer: Anything you recognize isn't mine.
Summary: A misunderstanding leads Remus and Sirius into playing a brilliant joke on the entire population of Hogwarts. Really, that’s all this is. A joke. And Remus is okay with that. Maybe. RLSB SLASH.
xXxXx
“Well, I’m knackered,” Remus immediately said upon entering the Gryffindor common room. The Marauders were just returning from dinner, and Peter and James were still alternately falling over each other with laughter and being indignant over the fact that Remus and Sirius hadn’t included them in the prank. “Erm. Night all.”
“G’night, Remus,” Peter said cheerfully. “I’ve actually got to go-I’m meeting Dorcas in the Astronomy Tower,” he said to the other Marauders as Remus retreated to the boys’ dormitory.
Sirius whistled while James said with a grin, “And so Peter finally joins the Astronomy Club. Welcome to manhood, my friend.”
“Astronomy Club?” Peter said blankly.
“You do know what goes on in that tower, don’t you, Wormtail?” Sirius asked with a hint of incredulousness in his voice.
“Yeah, I-OH! Ha ha, right, well I should, er, go-“ And blushing furiously, Peter made for the portrait hole while Sirius and James howled with laughter.
“Good ol’ Pete,” James said, throwing himself onto the couch in front of the fire. “Here’s hoping he does us proud tonight, eh?”
“Ha ha, yeah…”
After Sirius had been silent for a full minute, James nudged his head with his foot and asked, “What’s on your mind, Pads?”
Sirius tore his gaze away from the fire. “What makes you think something’s on my mind?”
James cocked an eyebrow.
“All right, yeah, there is,” Sirius grudgingly admitted. “I just…I don’t think I want to talk about it just yet.”
James stayed perfectly silent.
“Fine! I’ll tell you, you stupid prat.” Sirius scowled. “I hate when you do that.”
James smirked.
“All right, well, it’s like this,” Sirius began, and then the whole story behind the prank spilled out, and after only a minor hesitation, he divulged to James what Remus had admitted to him only a few hours ago, trusting that James would keep his silence in this matter.
James let out a soft whistle once Sirius concluded his story. “So that’s why you didn’t wait until April Fool’s to come clean. I was wondering what the point of that was.”
“Yeah,” said Sirius, giving a feeble laugh.
Silence fell between the two. Sirius chewed on his bottom lip while once again gazing into the fire. “Prongs?” he finally said.
“Yeah?”
“Moony fancies me.”
“Yeah…”
“Well, all right, he said it was hormones, but-but still. Moony wants to snog me.”
“You’d think he’d have had enough of that in the past week and a half,” James said jokingly.
“Right,” Sirius said distractedly.
James looked mutely at his friend as he stared broodingly into the fire. He was usually quite adept at knowing what was on Sirius’s mind at any given time, but this situation was so clearly unlike anything the boys had ever encountered that, for only the second time since he had met Sirius, he could not begin to fathom what thoughts might be running through Sirius’s head.
“You don’t think,” Sirius spoke out suddenly, his voice cracking a bit. “You don’t think this will-I dunno, ruin our friendship? Moony and me, I mean.”
“Not if you don’t want it to,” James answered, hoping he was right.
Sirius nodded, and James felt a stab of disappointment as Sirius once again turned to gaze silently into the fire; Sirius had adopted that look on his face, that shuttered look that meant he was done with talking.
And that’s that, I guess, James thought sullenly. But before he retreated up the staircase, he put a comforting hand on Sirius’s shoulder; Sirius did not look away from the fire-James had not expected him to-but he gave a sharp nod of his head to acknowledge James’s silent show of support. Knowing nothing else could be done for the moment, James took his hand away and made the trek up to the Seventh Year Boys’ dormitory, where he knew a not-so-fast-asleep Remus Lupin would be hiding behind closed curtains.
xXxXx
“Remus?”
…it most often appears as a horse with bulrushes for a mane. Having lured the unwary onto its back, it will dive straight to the bottom of its river or lake and devour the rider, letting the entrails float to the surface.
Well, that’s rather disgusting, Remus thought vaguely.
“Er, Remus?”
The correct means to overcome a kelpie is to get a bridle over its head with a Placement Charm, which renders it docile and unthreatening.
Odd way of calming down a wild animal, thought Remus. You’d think it would try to resist being restrained…
“REMUS!”
“Bloody-what?” Remus glanced up and saw a boy he recognized from Double Herbology classes. He was rather red, though the expression on his face told Remus it was more from embarrassment at yelling in a library than anger at Remus for being oblivious. “Oh, I’m so sorry, I just get all caught up and…bugger, I’m sorry, is there something I can help you with?”
“I just, er, wanted to ask you something,” the boy said, his face flushing a bit more noticeably. “I don’t know if you remember me-I’m Landon. Landon Mathers.”
“Yes, I remember you, from Herbology,” Remus replied.
“Yeah,” Landon said, looking relieved. “Anyway, I…blast, I don’t suppose there’s anyway I can word this without sounding rather ridiculous. Just, er, bear with me.” Landon shot Remus a disarming grin. “I was at dinner last night and couldn’t help overhearing Sirius’s, ah, announcement.”
It was Remus’s turn to flush terribly as he remembered just the “announcement” Landon was referring to. “Attention, students of Hogwarts! While I regret to inform the male half of the population that I am, in fact, straight, it is my pleasure to announce that this fetching young man I’ve spent the past two weeks snogging isn’t, and not only is he a smashing snogger, he’s also available! Happy early April Fools’, fools! Cheers!”
“Ah,” Remus managed.
“I…is it true?”
“What, that I’m gay, or that I’m a good snogger?” Remus said without thinking.
Landon let out a surprised laugh. “I was thinking of the former, and if it’s true, then I guess I’d like to find out the latter.”
“What?” said Remus stupidly.
“I was hoping,” Landon said, a small, shy smile on his face, “that you would consent to go on a date with me.”
Remus would have burst out laughing if he had thought that it was at all appropriate to do so. With that “announcement,” Sirius had as good as placed a lonely hearts ad in the school paper for Remus.
The irony was not at all lost on Remus.
“I…er, are you sure?” It had not occurred to Remus that anyone would actually take Sirius’s words sincerely, especially as they were Sirius’s words.
Landon’s smile widened a bit. “Quite.”
Remus could not help but be perplexed that anyone would ask him on a date, and as he studied Landon, he could not help but be stunned that this particular “anyone” had been the first to extend such an offer: the Hufflepuff had chestnut hair and clear green eyes, a rather nice-looking mouth that seemed to smile easily, and, if his skills at dodging the vines of the Venomous Tentacula and his ability to wrestle pods out of the Snargaluff plants with apparent ease were anything to go by, he had quite the body too. While Sirius Black was considered the most wanted man in Hogwarts, the name of Landon Mathers was not unfamiliar to gossiping girls’ lips, though granted, the mutterings were mostly about why such a prize was wandering about single with so many girls to choose from.
That’s another mystery solved, Remus thought wryly.
Did Remus want to accept Landon’s offer, especially so soon after admitting he had feelings towards his best friend? He could not deny that he was already wondering what it would be like to go out with this boy; he felt rather silly and girlish as he pondered the possibility of becoming Landon Mathers’s boyfriend. Wasn’t that what Sirius wanted? For Remus to find someone to help his get over his crush so that their friendship could return to normal?
Remus forced himself to meet Landon’s gaze; the boy was patiently waiting for Remus’s answer.
So Remus grinned and said, “Well, if you’re sure.”
xXxXx
What do I care about a bloody glumbumble, Sirius thought moodily. Stupid Kettleburn. Could’ve given me something interesting like a kelpie, but no, he had to give the bloody kelpie to bloody Lupin.
And thinking of Remus sapped the last of Sirius’s not-strong-to-begin-with desire to finish his Care of Magical Creatures essay. He threw down his quill, deciding he would make a trip to the kitchens and eat away his bad mood.
He came to a halt at the bottom of the staircase.
Remus was sitting on the couch, his body angled away from the stairway-not that he would have noticed Sirius anyway, seeing as his nose was stuck in a book. Sirius was quite sure that if he were to just cross the common room and go out the portrait hole as he’d intended on, Remus would be none the wiser of Sirius ever having been in the same room, something he’d obviously been working to avoid for the past two days. The thing was, Sirius didn’t think he wanted to walk away unnoticed.
Sirius Black was not one for being ignored.
His mind made up, he covered the ground in three quick strides and vaulted over the back of the couch, planting himself beside Remus (who was trying to compose himself after flinching horribly when a body came flying at him) with a “Wotcher, Moony,” and diving headfirst into what was sure to be an awkward conversation at best. Awkward, Sirius decided, he could live with, and he plowed forward.
“So I heard you’ve got a date with Landon Mathers,” he said. Sirius was a firm believer in getting all unpleasant and potentially discomfiting things out of the way first.
“I do,” Remus warily replied.
“I think that’s great,” Sirius said firmly. “He’s a likeable bloke. Bit quiet, but friendly and-and nice and all. Quite handsome too, isn’t he? I think he’ll be good for you.”
After his initial reaction, Remus had gone quite rigid upon noticing that the body that had almost landed in his lap was Sirius Black’s. His posture had not changed one bit since the onset of this conversation-if anything, he was even more tensely poised. “Thank you for your vote of confidence, Sirius,” Remus managed, albeit a bit more tersely than he’d intended.
“It’s not like there’s anything bad about him, is there? I mean he doesn’t drown babies or…or eat just the icing on the cake, does he? Because just eating the icing is sacrilege. You either eat the entire thing or you don’t eat it at all. He doesn’t do that, does he, Moony?”
“Well he doesn’t drown babies,” Remus said without really thinking. “I don’t know about the other.”
“Right. Right. Not like you’ve seen him eat cake before, this is the first date after all.”
“Right.”
Suddenly, “awkward” was very much beginning to annoy Sirius.
“So…we’re okay now, right?” he said a bit desperately. “You’ve got yourself a bloke, so we can go back to normal now.”
“Er,” Remus said, looking distinctly uncomfortable. “Sirius, I really don’t think-it’s only been a few days-“
“But-but you’ve got Mathers now-“
“I know I do, Sirius, I know. But me agreeing to go on a date with someone doesn’t automatically erase any feelings I have for anyone else.”
Well, now Sirius just felt stupid. “I know that. I just-bugger, I’m sorry, I just wanted-“
“I understand,” Remus said, sounding weary. “Just-just give me some time, all right? I just need to get over this…thing. I mean, it’s just a schoolboy crush, nothing really serious, but all the same, I don’t think either of us want it to hang over our friendship.”
“No, you’re right,” Sirius agreed. “I wasn’t thinking, I was just being stupid.”
“It’s all right,” said Remus. “We’ll just…just give each other some space, let this work itself out. Okay?”
“Yeah. Yeah, okay.”
“Good.” Remus shifted a bit uncomfortably. “Well I should go, I’ve got that essay to finish for Care of Magical Creatures…”
“Oh, right. Yeah, I should probably go finish that too,” Sirius replied, nodding his head toward the boys’ staircase to indicate that his essay lay unfinished in their dormitory.
Remus smiled knowingly at him. “So you’ll be heading to the kitchens, then?”
“Am I that predictable?”
“You are to me.”
Sirius hadn’t meant for the statement to leave him so visibly stunned, he really hadn’t. But he could tell by the awkward look on Remus’s face that his own expression was not much better.
“Er,” said Remus. “I should really…library. Right. See you later.”
“S’later,” Sirius croaked; he was not sure if Remus had heard him as he was already halfway to the portrait hole.
And as Remus exited the Tower, Sirius could not help but compare it to Remus’s exit from his life, however temporary, and he felt a horrible ache that he knew no amount of pastries from the kitchens could dull.
xXxXx
A/N: I almost decided to include April Fools’ Day in this chapter, but it’s already one of the longer chapters, and I was afraid it might take me too much time to write as I’m still trying to figure out what, exactly, I want to happen in that scene. So here’s this for now! REVIEWS ARE LOVE.
Chapter One: Misconceptions and Consequences Thereof
Chapter Two: A Rather Complicated Situation
Chapter Three: The Kind Of Plan That Never Fails
Chapter Four: The Stealing of James Potter's Thunder
Chapter Five: Plotting Solo for a Change
Chapter Six: Provocation and It's Appeal
Chapter Seven: Bursting the Metaphorical Bubble
Chapter Eight: The Nervous Game
Chapter Nine: Hot and Bothered
Chapter Ten: How The Story Ends, Part One
Authoress: chelime
Rating: R
Disclaimer: Anything you recognize isn't mine.
Summary: A misunderstanding leads Remus and Sirius into playing a brilliant joke on the entire population of Hogwarts. Really, that’s all this is. A joke. And Remus is okay with that. Maybe. RLSB SLASH.
xXxXx
“Well, I’m knackered,” Remus immediately said upon entering the Gryffindor common room. The Marauders were just returning from dinner, and Peter and James were still alternately falling over each other with laughter and being indignant over the fact that Remus and Sirius hadn’t included them in the prank. “Erm. Night all.”
“G’night, Remus,” Peter said cheerfully. “I’ve actually got to go-I’m meeting Dorcas in the Astronomy Tower,” he said to the other Marauders as Remus retreated to the boys’ dormitory.
Sirius whistled while James said with a grin, “And so Peter finally joins the Astronomy Club. Welcome to manhood, my friend.”
“Astronomy Club?” Peter said blankly.
“You do know what goes on in that tower, don’t you, Wormtail?” Sirius asked with a hint of incredulousness in his voice.
“Yeah, I-OH! Ha ha, right, well I should, er, go-“ And blushing furiously, Peter made for the portrait hole while Sirius and James howled with laughter.
“Good ol’ Pete,” James said, throwing himself onto the couch in front of the fire. “Here’s hoping he does us proud tonight, eh?”
“Ha ha, yeah…”
After Sirius had been silent for a full minute, James nudged his head with his foot and asked, “What’s on your mind, Pads?”
Sirius tore his gaze away from the fire. “What makes you think something’s on my mind?”
James cocked an eyebrow.
“All right, yeah, there is,” Sirius grudgingly admitted. “I just…I don’t think I want to talk about it just yet.”
James stayed perfectly silent.
“Fine! I’ll tell you, you stupid prat.” Sirius scowled. “I hate when you do that.”
James smirked.
“All right, well, it’s like this,” Sirius began, and then the whole story behind the prank spilled out, and after only a minor hesitation, he divulged to James what Remus had admitted to him only a few hours ago, trusting that James would keep his silence in this matter.
James let out a soft whistle once Sirius concluded his story. “So that’s why you didn’t wait until April Fool’s to come clean. I was wondering what the point of that was.”
“Yeah,” said Sirius, giving a feeble laugh.
Silence fell between the two. Sirius chewed on his bottom lip while once again gazing into the fire. “Prongs?” he finally said.
“Yeah?”
“Moony fancies me.”
“Yeah…”
“Well, all right, he said it was hormones, but-but still. Moony wants to snog me.”
“You’d think he’d have had enough of that in the past week and a half,” James said jokingly.
“Right,” Sirius said distractedly.
James looked mutely at his friend as he stared broodingly into the fire. He was usually quite adept at knowing what was on Sirius’s mind at any given time, but this situation was so clearly unlike anything the boys had ever encountered that, for only the second time since he had met Sirius, he could not begin to fathom what thoughts might be running through Sirius’s head.
“You don’t think,” Sirius spoke out suddenly, his voice cracking a bit. “You don’t think this will-I dunno, ruin our friendship? Moony and me, I mean.”
“Not if you don’t want it to,” James answered, hoping he was right.
Sirius nodded, and James felt a stab of disappointment as Sirius once again turned to gaze silently into the fire; Sirius had adopted that look on his face, that shuttered look that meant he was done with talking.
And that’s that, I guess, James thought sullenly. But before he retreated up the staircase, he put a comforting hand on Sirius’s shoulder; Sirius did not look away from the fire-James had not expected him to-but he gave a sharp nod of his head to acknowledge James’s silent show of support. Knowing nothing else could be done for the moment, James took his hand away and made the trek up to the Seventh Year Boys’ dormitory, where he knew a not-so-fast-asleep Remus Lupin would be hiding behind closed curtains.
xXxXx
“Remus?”
…it most often appears as a horse with bulrushes for a mane. Having lured the unwary onto its back, it will dive straight to the bottom of its river or lake and devour the rider, letting the entrails float to the surface.
Well, that’s rather disgusting, Remus thought vaguely.
“Er, Remus?”
The correct means to overcome a kelpie is to get a bridle over its head with a Placement Charm, which renders it docile and unthreatening.
Odd way of calming down a wild animal, thought Remus. You’d think it would try to resist being restrained…
“REMUS!”
“Bloody-what?” Remus glanced up and saw a boy he recognized from Double Herbology classes. He was rather red, though the expression on his face told Remus it was more from embarrassment at yelling in a library than anger at Remus for being oblivious. “Oh, I’m so sorry, I just get all caught up and…bugger, I’m sorry, is there something I can help you with?”
“I just, er, wanted to ask you something,” the boy said, his face flushing a bit more noticeably. “I don’t know if you remember me-I’m Landon. Landon Mathers.”
“Yes, I remember you, from Herbology,” Remus replied.
“Yeah,” Landon said, looking relieved. “Anyway, I…blast, I don’t suppose there’s anyway I can word this without sounding rather ridiculous. Just, er, bear with me.” Landon shot Remus a disarming grin. “I was at dinner last night and couldn’t help overhearing Sirius’s, ah, announcement.”
It was Remus’s turn to flush terribly as he remembered just the “announcement” Landon was referring to. “Attention, students of Hogwarts! While I regret to inform the male half of the population that I am, in fact, straight, it is my pleasure to announce that this fetching young man I’ve spent the past two weeks snogging isn’t, and not only is he a smashing snogger, he’s also available! Happy early April Fools’, fools! Cheers!”
“Ah,” Remus managed.
“I…is it true?”
“What, that I’m gay, or that I’m a good snogger?” Remus said without thinking.
Landon let out a surprised laugh. “I was thinking of the former, and if it’s true, then I guess I’d like to find out the latter.”
“What?” said Remus stupidly.
“I was hoping,” Landon said, a small, shy smile on his face, “that you would consent to go on a date with me.”
Remus would have burst out laughing if he had thought that it was at all appropriate to do so. With that “announcement,” Sirius had as good as placed a lonely hearts ad in the school paper for Remus.
The irony was not at all lost on Remus.
“I…er, are you sure?” It had not occurred to Remus that anyone would actually take Sirius’s words sincerely, especially as they were Sirius’s words.
Landon’s smile widened a bit. “Quite.”
Remus could not help but be perplexed that anyone would ask him on a date, and as he studied Landon, he could not help but be stunned that this particular “anyone” had been the first to extend such an offer: the Hufflepuff had chestnut hair and clear green eyes, a rather nice-looking mouth that seemed to smile easily, and, if his skills at dodging the vines of the Venomous Tentacula and his ability to wrestle pods out of the Snargaluff plants with apparent ease were anything to go by, he had quite the body too. While Sirius Black was considered the most wanted man in Hogwarts, the name of Landon Mathers was not unfamiliar to gossiping girls’ lips, though granted, the mutterings were mostly about why such a prize was wandering about single with so many girls to choose from.
That’s another mystery solved, Remus thought wryly.
Did Remus want to accept Landon’s offer, especially so soon after admitting he had feelings towards his best friend? He could not deny that he was already wondering what it would be like to go out with this boy; he felt rather silly and girlish as he pondered the possibility of becoming Landon Mathers’s boyfriend. Wasn’t that what Sirius wanted? For Remus to find someone to help his get over his crush so that their friendship could return to normal?
Remus forced himself to meet Landon’s gaze; the boy was patiently waiting for Remus’s answer.
So Remus grinned and said, “Well, if you’re sure.”
xXxXx
What do I care about a bloody glumbumble, Sirius thought moodily. Stupid Kettleburn. Could’ve given me something interesting like a kelpie, but no, he had to give the bloody kelpie to bloody Lupin.
And thinking of Remus sapped the last of Sirius’s not-strong-to-begin-with desire to finish his Care of Magical Creatures essay. He threw down his quill, deciding he would make a trip to the kitchens and eat away his bad mood.
He came to a halt at the bottom of the staircase.
Remus was sitting on the couch, his body angled away from the stairway-not that he would have noticed Sirius anyway, seeing as his nose was stuck in a book. Sirius was quite sure that if he were to just cross the common room and go out the portrait hole as he’d intended on, Remus would be none the wiser of Sirius ever having been in the same room, something he’d obviously been working to avoid for the past two days. The thing was, Sirius didn’t think he wanted to walk away unnoticed.
Sirius Black was not one for being ignored.
His mind made up, he covered the ground in three quick strides and vaulted over the back of the couch, planting himself beside Remus (who was trying to compose himself after flinching horribly when a body came flying at him) with a “Wotcher, Moony,” and diving headfirst into what was sure to be an awkward conversation at best. Awkward, Sirius decided, he could live with, and he plowed forward.
“So I heard you’ve got a date with Landon Mathers,” he said. Sirius was a firm believer in getting all unpleasant and potentially discomfiting things out of the way first.
“I do,” Remus warily replied.
“I think that’s great,” Sirius said firmly. “He’s a likeable bloke. Bit quiet, but friendly and-and nice and all. Quite handsome too, isn’t he? I think he’ll be good for you.”
After his initial reaction, Remus had gone quite rigid upon noticing that the body that had almost landed in his lap was Sirius Black’s. His posture had not changed one bit since the onset of this conversation-if anything, he was even more tensely poised. “Thank you for your vote of confidence, Sirius,” Remus managed, albeit a bit more tersely than he’d intended.
“It’s not like there’s anything bad about him, is there? I mean he doesn’t drown babies or…or eat just the icing on the cake, does he? Because just eating the icing is sacrilege. You either eat the entire thing or you don’t eat it at all. He doesn’t do that, does he, Moony?”
“Well he doesn’t drown babies,” Remus said without really thinking. “I don’t know about the other.”
“Right. Right. Not like you’ve seen him eat cake before, this is the first date after all.”
“Right.”
Suddenly, “awkward” was very much beginning to annoy Sirius.
“So…we’re okay now, right?” he said a bit desperately. “You’ve got yourself a bloke, so we can go back to normal now.”
“Er,” Remus said, looking distinctly uncomfortable. “Sirius, I really don’t think-it’s only been a few days-“
“But-but you’ve got Mathers now-“
“I know I do, Sirius, I know. But me agreeing to go on a date with someone doesn’t automatically erase any feelings I have for anyone else.”
Well, now Sirius just felt stupid. “I know that. I just-bugger, I’m sorry, I just wanted-“
“I understand,” Remus said, sounding weary. “Just-just give me some time, all right? I just need to get over this…thing. I mean, it’s just a schoolboy crush, nothing really serious, but all the same, I don’t think either of us want it to hang over our friendship.”
“No, you’re right,” Sirius agreed. “I wasn’t thinking, I was just being stupid.”
“It’s all right,” said Remus. “We’ll just…just give each other some space, let this work itself out. Okay?”
“Yeah. Yeah, okay.”
“Good.” Remus shifted a bit uncomfortably. “Well I should go, I’ve got that essay to finish for Care of Magical Creatures…”
“Oh, right. Yeah, I should probably go finish that too,” Sirius replied, nodding his head toward the boys’ staircase to indicate that his essay lay unfinished in their dormitory.
Remus smiled knowingly at him. “So you’ll be heading to the kitchens, then?”
“Am I that predictable?”
“You are to me.”
Sirius hadn’t meant for the statement to leave him so visibly stunned, he really hadn’t. But he could tell by the awkward look on Remus’s face that his own expression was not much better.
“Er,” said Remus. “I should really…library. Right. See you later.”
“S’later,” Sirius croaked; he was not sure if Remus had heard him as he was already halfway to the portrait hole.
And as Remus exited the Tower, Sirius could not help but compare it to Remus’s exit from his life, however temporary, and he felt a horrible ache that he knew no amount of pastries from the kitchens could dull.
xXxXx
A/N: I almost decided to include April Fools’ Day in this chapter, but it’s already one of the longer chapters, and I was afraid it might take me too much time to write as I’m still trying to figure out what, exactly, I want to happen in that scene. So here’s this for now! REVIEWS ARE LOVE.
Chapter One: Misconceptions and Consequences Thereof
Chapter Two: A Rather Complicated Situation
Chapter Three: The Kind Of Plan That Never Fails
Chapter Four: The Stealing of James Potter's Thunder
Chapter Five: Plotting Solo for a Change
Chapter Six: Provocation and It's Appeal
Chapter Seven: Bursting the Metaphorical Bubble
Chapter Eight: The Nervous Game
Chapter Nine: Hot and Bothered
Chapter Ten: How The Story Ends, Part One