Remembering
Title: Remembering
Author: Viv
Genre: angst
Rating: PG-13
Fandom: Viewfinder [manga]
Pairing: Asami/Takaba, kind of
Disclaimer: *sighs*
Summary: Asami's thoughts since Akihito's 'disappearance'. [oneshot - companion to Comfort]
I have never been this terrified in my life.
Or rather, I have never been truly terrified at all in my life.
And I wasn't fearing for my life.
No.
I forgot everything else that could've been important to me the moment I saw you under someone else's gun.
Everything but you.
I've always thought that you belonged to me. That I was the only one who had the right to make you suffer, and that if you were to die, it'd only be by my hand.
I thought you were mine.
But you aren't, are you?
Otherwise, you wouldn't have run away from me. You would've stayed with me and been safe.
Was it my fault for not holding you back?
Because I believed that you belonged exclusively to me, which meant that you would always come back to me. I thought that I could do anything I wanted of you.
And then I saw you under his gun.
Worry, fear, panic, despair, anger.
Your eyes broke something in me at that exact moment.
All of my self-control went down the drain the second your bloodshot eyes crossed mine and I knew then, I knew right then, that my heart had shattered and I had lost my mind.
What could've happened to you in such a short span of time that you already seemed like a former shadow of yourself from when you left me for your friends?
This was the first time I had ever lost my temper.
I knew then that you weren't just another body to keep me warm and satisfied.
I knew that that I could not afford to lose you. Not to him, not to anyone.
I remember the moment you feel into my arms, and I remember the exact moment I felt the pain piercing through my body. Wordlessly I prayed that you would just forget about me and run.
I also remember when I fell and how you failed to escape, instead staying close to me, the warmth of your body close to mine as tears slipped down your dirty but so beautiful face.
Worry, fear, panic, despair, anger.
You were crying for me, weren't you?
Even with how scared you were, you still managed to be furious over the fact that I been hurt, and you still feared for my life, instead of your own.
Something in my mind screamed that I had to save you no matter what the cost. I had to.
I wanted to take you away from there, take you far away in a place where those emotions would never appear in your eyes again.
Worry, fear, panic, despair, anger.
And then suddenly your eyes closed and you were swept away from me.
No! I thought.
I remember momentarily forgetting the pain, and the next thing I knew I was making my way up the stairs faster that I have ever done in my life, before reaching the rooftop.
But it was too late.
Worry, fear, panic, despair, anger.
Those feelings only intensified even further, and in my fury I almost tried to shoot the pilot of the helicopter but I knew that if I did, I was also putting you into more danger.
And so I stood there, hopeless, while you getting further and further away from me.
The hand I had over my chest tightened, gripping my shirt, while the one holding the gun started trembling.
I vaguely remember dropping my gun and falling to my knees, the pain in my chest only intensifying.
I thought it must have been the bullet I took, but in a corner of my mind I knew it was something else.
I dimly remember my men finding me on the rooftop, and franctically tring to reach my personal doctor.
I also remember when I broke out of my trance and I pushed them away, yelling, shouting, screaming at them to cut the fucking crap and to get ready to leave for Hong Kong.
And then I remember them trying to calm me down while a flash of your eyes appeared in my mind.
Worry, fear, panic, despair, anger.
Another blinding pain in my chest and I remember only seeing darkness then.
When I woke up, I found myself in my bed, disoriented.
I saw the doctor beside my bed, along with my best men, all worriedly staring at me.
For a short moment I almost expected you to barge in and demand what the hell I had been thinking.
And then I remembered everything again.
The blood. The pain. Your eyes.
Worry, fear, panic, despair, anger.
I haven't been able to sleep ever since. Every day is a waking nightmare and every night I lose my mind thinking about you.
I was angry, furious at myself for not being able to keep you away from danger.
Where are you?
Are you alright?
I swear, I will find you.
I'll save you and take you away and bring you back to Japan and hold you.
I'll cut the bullshit and this time, I'll properly make you mine and never let you go.
All mine.
Your body, your mind, your soul.
Your heart.
All of it.
I'll throw my dignity aside and beg for all of it if I have to.
I'll be careful and warm and gentle and soothing and caring and tender.
I'll protect you, make love to you and when you cry, there will only be tears of happiness.
I swear I'll find you.
I know you're alive. I know it in my guts.
Worry, fear, panic, despair, anger.
I know you at least care about me in some ways. I saw it in your eyes.
Because once this is all over with and if you still don't want me, I'll let you go free. I'll no longer hold you back. I'll only watch over you from afar, so that you don't risk your life again because of me.
I'll give you back your life.
Just knowing you think about me will be enough. I won't ask for anything more. Only from time to time, remember me.
And that will ease my pain, the pain of no longer being able to claim you as mine.
But no matter what the outcome, I promise I'll save you.
And even if I fail you, even if I fail to save you and I have to die there, I will at least set you free.
Just so that...
Worry, fear, panic, despair, anger.
Just so that I can erase those emotions from your eyes when I finally see you at least one last time.
---
April 25, 2006
Author's notes: Yup, yup, yup I wrote companion to Comfort. Why? Because I thought that bastard Asami also needed to suffer. Hehehe, I kid, I kid.
Or not. I don't care if he's hot and handsome and dashing and god-like and- and- and- *shakes fist* !!!
An apology to sasheenka who wanted something fluffy. Another one to windyhurrice because I really did think that my next Viewfinder fic would be inspired by a single word in her comment for 'Comfort'. Guess that didn't happen... but I won't give up! I will figure something for both of you!
Anyway, I'm still having a hard time writing with Asami, hence the reason why I was hesitating so much over writing in his point-of view, but in the end I thought "Aaaaah what the *bleep*, he's furious and heartbroken, so of course he'd be forgiven for being completely OOC."
Right? Right?! NON?! OUI?! RIGHT?!
Hahaha, pardon, pardon. It's just that up until now, one of the comments that I've had coming back a lot in many of my fics (in any fandoms, whether real-people or manga-based) was that "your way of portraying [bla] is so in character, it's so 'believable'!" so I had to keep that up... but Asami is complicated.
Oooooooh well. Enough chitchat from me, 'merci' for reading and please comment.
Author: Viv
Genre: angst
Rating: PG-13
Fandom: Viewfinder [manga]
Pairing: Asami/Takaba, kind of
Disclaimer: *sighs*
Summary: Asami's thoughts since Akihito's 'disappearance'. [oneshot - companion to Comfort]
I have never been this terrified in my life.
Or rather, I have never been truly terrified at all in my life.
And I wasn't fearing for my life.
No.
I forgot everything else that could've been important to me the moment I saw you under someone else's gun.
Everything but you.
I've always thought that you belonged to me. That I was the only one who had the right to make you suffer, and that if you were to die, it'd only be by my hand.
I thought you were mine.
But you aren't, are you?
Otherwise, you wouldn't have run away from me. You would've stayed with me and been safe.
Was it my fault for not holding you back?
Because I believed that you belonged exclusively to me, which meant that you would always come back to me. I thought that I could do anything I wanted of you.
And then I saw you under his gun.
Worry, fear, panic, despair, anger.
Your eyes broke something in me at that exact moment.
All of my self-control went down the drain the second your bloodshot eyes crossed mine and I knew then, I knew right then, that my heart had shattered and I had lost my mind.
What could've happened to you in such a short span of time that you already seemed like a former shadow of yourself from when you left me for your friends?
This was the first time I had ever lost my temper.
I knew then that you weren't just another body to keep me warm and satisfied.
I knew that that I could not afford to lose you. Not to him, not to anyone.
I remember the moment you feel into my arms, and I remember the exact moment I felt the pain piercing through my body. Wordlessly I prayed that you would just forget about me and run.
I also remember when I fell and how you failed to escape, instead staying close to me, the warmth of your body close to mine as tears slipped down your dirty but so beautiful face.
Worry, fear, panic, despair, anger.
You were crying for me, weren't you?
Even with how scared you were, you still managed to be furious over the fact that I been hurt, and you still feared for my life, instead of your own.
Something in my mind screamed that I had to save you no matter what the cost. I had to.
I wanted to take you away from there, take you far away in a place where those emotions would never appear in your eyes again.
Worry, fear, panic, despair, anger.
And then suddenly your eyes closed and you were swept away from me.
No! I thought.
I remember momentarily forgetting the pain, and the next thing I knew I was making my way up the stairs faster that I have ever done in my life, before reaching the rooftop.
But it was too late.
Worry, fear, panic, despair, anger.
Those feelings only intensified even further, and in my fury I almost tried to shoot the pilot of the helicopter but I knew that if I did, I was also putting you into more danger.
And so I stood there, hopeless, while you getting further and further away from me.
The hand I had over my chest tightened, gripping my shirt, while the one holding the gun started trembling.
I vaguely remember dropping my gun and falling to my knees, the pain in my chest only intensifying.
I thought it must have been the bullet I took, but in a corner of my mind I knew it was something else.
I dimly remember my men finding me on the rooftop, and franctically tring to reach my personal doctor.
I also remember when I broke out of my trance and I pushed them away, yelling, shouting, screaming at them to cut the fucking crap and to get ready to leave for Hong Kong.
And then I remember them trying to calm me down while a flash of your eyes appeared in my mind.
Worry, fear, panic, despair, anger.
Another blinding pain in my chest and I remember only seeing darkness then.
When I woke up, I found myself in my bed, disoriented.
I saw the doctor beside my bed, along with my best men, all worriedly staring at me.
For a short moment I almost expected you to barge in and demand what the hell I had been thinking.
And then I remembered everything again.
The blood. The pain. Your eyes.
Worry, fear, panic, despair, anger.
I haven't been able to sleep ever since. Every day is a waking nightmare and every night I lose my mind thinking about you.
I was angry, furious at myself for not being able to keep you away from danger.
Where are you?
Are you alright?
I swear, I will find you.
I'll save you and take you away and bring you back to Japan and hold you.
I'll cut the bullshit and this time, I'll properly make you mine and never let you go.
All mine.
Your body, your mind, your soul.
Your heart.
All of it.
I'll throw my dignity aside and beg for all of it if I have to.
I'll be careful and warm and gentle and soothing and caring and tender.
I'll protect you, make love to you and when you cry, there will only be tears of happiness.
I swear I'll find you.
I know you're alive. I know it in my guts.
Worry, fear, panic, despair, anger.
I know you at least care about me in some ways. I saw it in your eyes.
Because once this is all over with and if you still don't want me, I'll let you go free. I'll no longer hold you back. I'll only watch over you from afar, so that you don't risk your life again because of me.
I'll give you back your life.
Just knowing you think about me will be enough. I won't ask for anything more. Only from time to time, remember me.
And that will ease my pain, the pain of no longer being able to claim you as mine.
But no matter what the outcome, I promise I'll save you.
And even if I fail you, even if I fail to save you and I have to die there, I will at least set you free.
Just so that...
Worry, fear, panic, despair, anger.
Just so that I can erase those emotions from your eyes when I finally see you at least one last time.
---
April 25, 2006
Author's notes: Yup, yup, yup I wrote companion to Comfort. Why? Because I thought that bastard Asami also needed to suffer. Hehehe, I kid, I kid.
Or not. I don't care if he's hot and handsome and dashing and god-like and- and- and- *shakes fist* !!!
An apology to sasheenka who wanted something fluffy. Another one to windyhurrice because I really did think that my next Viewfinder fic would be inspired by a single word in her comment for 'Comfort'. Guess that didn't happen... but I won't give up! I will figure something for both of you!
Anyway, I'm still having a hard time writing with Asami, hence the reason why I was hesitating so much over writing in his point-of view, but in the end I thought "Aaaaah what the *bleep*, he's furious and heartbroken, so of course he'd be forgiven for being completely OOC."
Right? Right?! NON?! OUI?! RIGHT?!
Hahaha, pardon, pardon. It's just that up until now, one of the comments that I've had coming back a lot in many of my fics (in any fandoms, whether real-people or manga-based) was that "your way of portraying [bla] is so in character, it's so 'believable'!" so I had to keep that up... but Asami is complicated.
Oooooooh well. Enough chitchat from me, 'merci' for reading and please comment.