I know it's depressing. Get over it.

[chooseausername]

First off, let me just say that I'm so sorry that I don't know how to use an LJ cut.  This is a short story I'm working on, though despite the name, it's a little long. Take your time reading it.  It's not entirely cleaned up; there are adjustments that need to be made.  However, I would really, really appreciate criticism.  Leave me a comment

Comments

[captain_muscle]

Heart Stones!

I get it now!

You already know my thoughts.

It's about damn time you updated.

-Rich

[chooseausername]

thanks a whole lot. those are great suggestions.

my creative writing class, as well as Rich, caught some of those, too.

i think you scared anybody else away who wanted to comment...

come on guys! keep 'em coming!

[dynamicpsycho04]

First off Andrew - Excellent story. I like the whole third-person POV. It adds a good effect.

Second: LJ cuts are easy. Just change the *'s to < and >'s on each end and youre good to go: =)

*lj-cut text="Andrew Letellier is Cool Shit!"* (or whatever you want the link to say)

Then type whatever it is you want, and at the end, go

*/lj-cut*

Hope that helps. Ttyl dude!
~Jeff

[nazirapesquad]

I enjoyed it. You have a good grasp on imagery, you tend to create gesture drawings with words, i can see these people moving around eachother. Thats a good wire frame for you to paint your gooey plot plaster on. You had a lot of clever lines throughout the story, your writing stands on its own. Standing out in front of others is another issue, and tougher to maintain. You weaved in and out of outstanding and just standing, which isnt always bad, its kind of like a cherry popsicle thats got freezer burn around the edges, supposing you like cherry.. You have created interesting characters , i took time out in my head to stop and get to know them. and their home, and because I could do that, you create a good atmosphere. The events of the story itself, are a little on the thin side. There is little confusion, but this reads more like a chapter out of a novel than its own story. you've made a towering sandwich out of all my favorite things, but the heart stone toothpick is a little too short to hold it all together in a satisfying way.

[chooseausername]

superb criticism.

In the future, I'll be sure to give you a copy of my works to look over.

[wrongwaylouie]

Forgive me; I lack the faculties for any criticism and/or editorial advice.

I will say that was a beautiful short story. Thank you for sharing this :)

[chooseausername]

you win.

[wrongwaylouie]

Find a bio major and ask about glucose levels and affects of epinepherine on high blood glucose levels.

That's it. I won't say more, cause I do really like and don't think it needs to be changed so much that the story is ruined.

[morningangel360]

Ditto
I suck at writing, thus I don't :D But I kinda liked it, even though it was sad