Wie es geht II
Title: Tu ne veux pas le savoir
Author: Patti
Pairing: Belafarin
Rating: PG(-13)
Beta: Nicole
Summary: I just felt so lost, even within myself.
A/N: Sequel to 'Wie es geht'.
Two hours after you had left, I still found myself sitting in the same chair in the yard. I stared into the flame of the one remaining candle. I had been thinking about the same topic over and over again with myself. I tried to come up with the ‘right answer’. I couldn’t seem come to a suitable and satisfying conclusion. I just felt so lost, even within myself.
I told you that I didn’t have regrets, but what you didn’t know was that that night has been haunting me. Whenever I go to bed completely drained, like that after a long day in the desert, that memory comes back to me. The scent of sweat and leather tickles my nose. I can still taste your kisses and the alcohol that filled your breath. I can still feel your warm body against me, with me, in me.
At first, I was quite surprised about these recollections. I thought they were just afterglows that would fade after a short while. Obviously, they haven’t and I have tried everything to drive them out of my mind. I found that the more I tried to ignore them, the worse they became. I eventually just gave up on fighting them. I question whether I would still have these issues if I had been with someone else.
The last candle flickered out. I stared into the darkness. The only light remaining was that of the moon.
~oOo~
A few days later, we all met up to talk about the new album. You were just your usual self, maybe smoking a little more than your average. I, on the other hand, was still trying to figure out the ‘right answer’. My relative quietness seemed to unnerve Rod. He fled as soon as we decided we had worked enough for one day.
We were left alone inside the cosy room. You looked at me predatorily. I was beginning to feel uncomfortable under your gaze; it made me want to crawl under a blanket and hide. I know you could sense my uneasiness when that dimpled smile played round the corners of your mouth.
The only thing interrupting our silence was our own breathing. I couldn’t take it anymore. I had never been able to handle long periods of silence, it made me wriggle nervously and let the thoughts in my head become too loud. “Don’t look at me like that,” I snapped. “What do you want, anyway?”
“I think you know,” you answered calmly.
No luck there. I sighed dramatically.
“Shows you what you know. Has anybody ever told you you’re a real asshole, Felse?”
“Yeah, you. That’s why we’ve been friends for the past 20 years.” You frowned, as if a sudden idea had hit you. “Maybe that is the problem here.”
I knew you were looking at me intently, so I turned away to face the wall. It must have been painted recently, no spots marred the whitewash. I didn’t want to do anything I might have regretted later. I felt you brush up beside me, kneeling down and putting a tentative hand on my knee. It took effort not to react and to simply ignore you.
“You know, you have told me you don’t regret things. That there’s no point in crying over spilled milk, so to say, right? I just don’t quite believe you.”
Suddenly, hot breath tickled the shell of my ear. Your voice was calm, dark, and seductive. You could’ve made me do anything with it.
“I can tell, Jan… you’ve been dreaming a lot since that night, huh? It’s been following you around wherever you’ve been going. All you want is for it to stop. You would give your soul for it, and yet you still want more… infinitely more. It’s a desire so dark you won’t even admit it to yourself, and you feel like it’s gonna strangle you from the inside. Admit it, Jan. Let go.”
My larynx bounced too much when I gulped. Right on all counts, Bela. I cleared my throat. “And how would you know that?!”
The hand on my knee tightened, the fingertips digging hard into my leg. There would be bruises tomorrow, but I didn’t dare shove you away.
“That was the wrong answer, Jan.”
My head spun around on its own accord before I could stop the motion. “Why am I always supposed to give the answers, huh?” I almost yelled. This was getting to be too much. What was this all about? “Who are you to decide what’s wrong and what’s not? Is there any chance for me to do something right, or is this just a funny game you’re playing here? What the hell do you want, Felse? Why am I never enough?”
“Because you’re lying not only to me, but to yourself, too.”
Your hand stroked up my thigh, a fleeting caress, and then you were gone.
It was silent again.
Part III
Part I