Wie es geht III
Title: Tu le sais maintenant (Wie es geht Part III)
Beta: none
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: Belafarin
Summary: The difference between us is, I’ve come to terms with it, while you still won’t even admit it to yourself.
A/N: Final part of the Wie es geht Series.
I’d come to the conclusion that no matter what I’d do, it would never be enough for you. It was not only frustrating me, it made my dreams follow me into conscious thought again, and the images stayed through the day like they hadn’t in years.
My eyes started to become bloodshot from the hours I spent in my bed, unable to sleep because I didn’t want to give the so-called ‘nightmares’ a chance. But the thing really unnerving me was that I still didn’t really know why this was affecting me like this - I’d gone through far worse, but this made me lose control.
One day in late June, I came home from a motorbike ride over some bare fields I had permission to use. I was bathed in sweat, mud-splattered, exhausted and freezing - it was raining. But the peace of mind that motorcycling brought was worth anything; it was like a meditation for me.
Still, I didn’t need to stay longer in this pretty fucked-up condition as I needed to. I simply put the bike in a dry place, then headed straight for the bathroom, where a huge bathtub was waiting for me, begging to be filled with hot water.
The bathtub was still there when I entered the bathroom - but there was something wrong with it: It was already filled, for one thing. And then…
‘What are you doing in here?’ I demanded from the leather-clad figure sitting on the edge of the tub.
You shrugged. ‘Waiting for you, obviously.’ I shot a dark look across the hot and damp room.
‘I wanted to visit you, but I figured you weren’t there when the garage was open and your bike gone, so…’ a flourishing hand gesture backwards, inviting me. ‘… I let in a bath for you. Ain’t I nice?’
There were still some things unclear to me. ‘How did you get in, anyway?’ I exclaimed, still standing apprehensively in the doorway. You shrugged again. ‘You said it yourself, Jannie. Mi casa es su casa. The spare key in the flowerpot.’
A sheepish grin spread over your face. ‘You’re the only person I know who’d be mad enough to hide a spare key in a flowerpot. I had to get myself and your bathroom all dirty.’ Still slightly muddy fingers gestured over to the brownish stains marring the white porcelain of the washing basin.
I couldn’t resist that sheepish expression, it made me grin, too. ‘Didn’t you know there was a wire attatched to it?’
‘Yeah, I noticed that when I’d dug out the key. - So, now, get on with it, before your bath gets all cold!’
I took a slow step towards you, your black clothes and hair standing out in contrast against practically everything here: the tiles, the towels, the porcelain. Even the bath mats were white.
‘Aren’t you going to leave?’ I frowned. You just stuck your tongue out, an adorable, boyish gesture you’d always been fond of.
‘Who’s gonna rub your back if I leave, eh? I don’t see a pretty girl, that could be your daughter if you think about it, jumping out of a closet in a mini-bikini!’
‘No, they became too expensive when you started to demand your fair share of what we earn as rock stars, dammit.’
We looked at each other, chuckling. It was comforting to fall back into usual, light-hearted banter after weeks of icy silence, only interrupted by unnerving quiz sessions. My exhaustion helped ignoring any undertones, if there were any at all.
‘So, sounds like I’ll have to do then, instead of bikini-girl.’ You grinned, sliding off the tub edge into a kneeling position in front of me. With a fake high-pitched voice and fluttering eyelashes you continued like a good boy toy. ‘And which parts of master should I attend to first, Master, please?’
My eyebrows wiggled mock-suggestively on their own accord before I shoved you away and began to undress on my own, laughing. The rest of the tension I’d been carrying around with me fell of with every laugh we shared, like every piece of clothing I lost.
Finally naked, I earned an appreciative wihistle from you, now that you’d returned to your old place on the tub edge. ‘You’re in a good shape, ol’ boy. Not like me with the few extra kilos that’ll help me survive the next cold winter.’
I blushed slightly, looked down to the floor and your bootless feet. Even your socks were black, and you wriggled your toes like you always did barefoot.
Though it was surprisingly easy to be naked around you, just like it had been in the 80s when we still lived together, I was aware of your closely regarding me, critical gaze skimming over my arms, chest, abdomen - all of which had indeed become more toned in the last few months. Workout had been helping me to fight my demons - and there had been a lot of things going on in my head.
I let myself sink into the still well-temperatured water with a grateful sigh. The oversized tub was one of the few real luxuries I allowed myself, and the only thing I occasionally missed on my journeys.
My tense muscles relaxed in the fluid warmth, I leaned back and closed my eyes. Your hands on my bare shoulders were startling at the first tough, but my already sleepy brain remembered something you’d said about a backrub. Mmm, a backrub sounded divine…
Your soft, deep voice, mumbling to yourself, was lulling my senses, while hands, strong and calloused from years of handling drumsticks, were kneading and pulling the musclulature of my back, working against the soreness that would inevitably follow a day of motorcycling. A warm feeling coiled deep in my belly, spreading through my tired limbs.
‘So, while I have you at my complete mercy’, I felt you whispering into my ear, ‘you really should tell me what you should have long ago.’
I opened one eye. ‘You’re such a mood killer, you know that, Felse?’
‘I have someone to remind me every other day.’
‘Oh, blow me.’
I noticed a dimple in your cheek when a saucy grin spread over your whole face. ‘I don’t think that’s seriously what you want from me, but if that’s everything, I’ll…’
I pressed a wet hand to your forehead to stop you from bending forwards too much. ‘I still don’t understand what I should want from a dickhead like you, Felse, and why you keep fucking pressing on that subject.’
A short moment of silence followed. I watched a stray drop of water make its way down youf cheek, highlighting a thin strip of soft skin, Your hand unconsciously wiped it away; I noticed how strangely naked your fingers looked without the heavy rings that you must have put off before starting with the massage.
‘I suppose because I know what you want because it’s what I want, too.’ You said. ‘The difference between us is, I’ve come to terms with it, while you still won’t even admit it to yourself. Don’t frown at me, I know you long enough to get a grip of how you think, Jan. I just want you to be honest.’
I just raised my eyebrow. ‘Be honest about what?’ I chose to relax back in the water then, before it would get too cold, and closed my eyes to shut out your weird expression.
‘I’m sure you remember vividly, when you’re like that, with your eyes closed and reality far away.’ You said softly, close to my head. I could feel your warm breath ghosting over my skin. ‘I’ve told you before, but you wouldn’t listen… you do remember that night that didn’t have to mean something, wasn’t supposed to. You thought I was so drunk off my head, but really, I wasn’t. You know I’m an actor, and not even a bad one, too. I barely drank that evening, but you somehow didn’t notice. I was almost as conscious to what I was doing as you were, and it was my intention behind it, my plan. I just wanted you back then, Jan, and I still want you today, just like you want me…’
Your voice was sinfully rich, like a drug fogging my senses. And once again, the whole scene sprang to life behind my closed eyelids… only that this time, you were with me in reality, too, you didn’t fade away when I tentatively opened my eyes.
Instead, you leant down, hovered mere inches from my face for a moment before leaning in to kiss me gently. Not invading, not demanding, just caressing, testing. When I felt a small swipe of tongue across my bottom lip, I opened my mouth slightly, just barely surpressing a moan.
Giving the invitation, I still hadn’t anticipated a gatecrasher, but it came nonetheless. You invaded my mouth, teeth clashing, and I couldn’t help but respond with equal ferocity, so that we were devouring one another, until we both were gasping from arousal and lack of air.
‘So that’s what you’ve been wanting from me, Bela, seducing me in the bathtub?’
‘No’, you replied, equally breathless, ‘I want far more than just seducing you in the bathtub.’
‘Then it’s good.’
You regarded me for a moment, then affectionately kissed me on the top of my nose. ‘That’s what I’ve been waiting to hear, Jan. And now, let’s get you out of that water before you begin freezing off some parts of you that we could put to far better use.’
I let out a strangely relieved, though breathy, laugh, and followed a sudden impulse, splashing a huge amout of water at you, just to hear you shriek like a true bikini-girl.
~BEGINNING~
Part II