Torchwood Fic: "It Started With A Broken Headlight - 2/8" (Mulitple Pairings)
Title: It Started With A Broken Headlight
Part: 2 of 8
Author(s): cally73 (Toshiko), Clarrisani (Ianto), djpugsly (Owen), Obsessed7 (Gwen), QL (Random Others), Ruthyf (Jack)
Pairing(s): Multiple Pairings
Rating: R
Summary: Ianto discovers the SUV has a broken headlight...
Disclaimer: Not anyway connected to the BBC emails, just a bit of fun.
A/N: Written by a group of authors at the Torchwood Australian Forums for the "Torchwood Weekly Writing Challenge #4". I have permission from all those involved to reproduce this here. There are eight parts (one for each day). I will post a selection of links at the end of the final part to the original thread, the challenges, and also a selected few other links that might be of interested. Anyway, hope you enjoy.
Part One
********************
To: All
From: Captain Jack Harkness
Date: 03 March 2008
Subject: Everything
---
Bloody hell, I take a day off and the whole place turns upside down. And by the way for anyone who's interested, the Cardiff Sexpo was ffffaaannntttaaasstttiicccc..... bought some new toys (someone is going to be a lucky boy). And Owen that is also lucky for you after that beer exploding incident affected certain items of mine that were located in the freezer!
Firstly Ianto, I forgot to tell you about the little incident with the SUV (due to the day off). Yes it was my fault, I'll stick my hand up. I'm not going to go into what happened as it is a just a bit embarrassing. So now that you all have an admission, can we get back to normal? And Ianto, I would kill for a coffee, please!
Secondly, yes unfortunately I did contact St Mary's with the hope of another Torchwood visit, and with the hope of smoothing things over. So much for that idea. And Ianto, no I didn't contact the hospital; I'm not going there again.
Thirdly, the pizza bill - I believe my share is 100 pounds which includes the 2 deliveries of pizza that ended up in the food fights. Who on earth is cranking up this bill so much?
Lastly, I most definitely have not been fiddling (this time) with the CCTV footage so who is going to own up to that one?
Jack
********************
To: Owen Harper
From: Toshiko Sato
Date: 03 March 2008
Subject: Re. Ianto Bluffing
---
Yes, you do indeed make a killer instant coffee. Remember that time Ianto was away and Jack was interrogating an alien? It demanded some caffeine, so you made it a cup of your instant. Only things didn't go quite to plan did they? Jack wasn't too pleased if I recall.
Tosh
********************
To: Ianto Jones
From: Toshiko Sato
Date: 03 March 2008
Subject: Re. Pizza Bill
Ianto,
Let me know how much my share is, and I'll pay up. :) Now that Jack's owned up, do you think we could please, please get a cup of coffee? Just think how lonely your machine is getting. Please don't inflict Owen on us. You can make him suffer anyway you like, but please don't torment the rest of us! No one can make coffee the way you do.
Tosh
********************
To: Captain Jack Harkness
From: Toshiko Sato
Date: 03 March 2008
Subject: Sexpo
---
Jack,
Were you able to pick up that item I mentioned?
Tosh
********************
To: Toshiko Sato
From: Captain Jack Harkness
Date: 03 March 2008
Subject: Re. Sexpo
Sure did Tosh - didn't you find it in your bottom desk drawer yet?
Gee it was expensive; you owe me another 20 pounds.
Mmmm, do you need help test driving it? (nudge nudge, wink wink) I personally haven't used one before (cough cough), so would like to try it out. And at those prices I'd like to try before I buy.
********************
To: Captain Jack Harkness
From: Toshiko Sato
Date: 03 March 2008
Subject: Re. Sexpo
---
Thanks, Jack! I can't wait to test it out. Alone, thank you very much! From what I've heard, it's well worth every cent. Do you think I might be able to go home a little earlier today?
Tosh
********************
To: Toshiko Sato
From: Captain Jack Harkness
Date: 03 March 2008
Subject: Re. Sexpo
Tosh, I guess since it is for a good cause :), you can go a bit earlier today....but don't tell the others about it.
Jack.
********************
To: Gwen Cooper
From: Captain Jack Harkness
Date: 03 March 2008
Subject: Secrets
Gwen,
You know you did it, and I know you did it, but your secret is safe with me......so I'm pretty sure I know what was on that CCTV footage that has been edited. But really Gwen, teletubbies to cover up the incriminating evidence? How bizarre.
Jack.
********************
To: Captain Jack Harkness
From: Ianto Jones
Date: 03 March 2008
Subject: RE: Everything
---
Sir, must you broadcast our sex lives all over everyone’s emails? They already complain about knowing too much information. Also, I do believe you promised me that you would take me to the Sexpo, and then proceeded to neglect to mention it. You had better have come up with some creative ways of apologising.
And since you so nicely admitted that you were the one to break the headlight, I shall resume my coffee duties. You will be getting yours last of course. Oh, and could you please remind the team not to bring cans of coffee into the Hub, or I will have to do something slightly more drastic than shooting the can out of Owen's hand, even if the look of his face was priceless.
Finally, most of that pizza bill comes from Owen. It would seem we have discovered what he does when he is left behind at the Hub during missions.
Ianto
********************
To: Toshiko Sato
From: Ianto Jones
Date: 03 March 2008
Subject: Re. Pizza Bill
---
Tosh,
Your cup of coffee is currently brewing and will be on your desk soon. Jack will be receiving his last. I am still contemplating what needs to be done with Owen for subjecting the Hub to coffee in a can, and am open to suggestions.
As for the pizza, you actually have the lowest bill with only 37 pounds. I'm planning on taking the money in later on the way back from picking up the parts to fix the SUV headlight.
Ianto
********************
To: Ianto Jones
From: Captain Jack Harkness
Date: 03 March 2008
Subject: RE: Everything
---
Oh Ianto, I'm not telling them anything they don't already know (or haven't guessed yet)....lighten up. I'm really sorry I didn't take you to the Sexpo, but I knew you had to work on those "special" files for me, that I've entrusted only to you. And besides, you ARE going to be a lucky boy, and creativity is my middle name after all, so I'm sure you will accept my apology. Oh I can't wait to show you what I bought.
And Ianto, don't keep me waiting too long for my coffee - I'm really having caffeine withdrawals today. I just love what you can do with a bit of steam and froth ;)
Jack.
********************
To: All
From: Captain Jack Harkness
Date: 03 March 2008
Subject: Coffee duties
As I have owned up to the SUV incident, I would like to inform you that our dear Ianto Jones is now back on coffee duty (hip hip hooray for Ianto).
That said, I would like to remind you all to not bring any of that instant crap in to the hub. Ianto makes a superb brew, and we don't need any of that other rubbish lying around.
Thanks.
From your caffeine withdrawn leader (hint hint Ianto).
********************
To: Captain Jack Harkness
From: Ianto Jones
Date: 03 March 2008
Subject: RE: Everything
---
You're not the one who has to put up with the comments and looks when you're away. Then again, you'd probably get off on them. And I shall reserve judgement on your apology until I have seen it. It will be interesting to see if you can make it any more 'apologetic' than when you 'accidentally' doped up Myfanwy and I had to spend several hours putting the Hub back together.
I'm bringing your coffee in now. I'm currently still mad at you, so don't expect anything else.
Ianto
********************
To: Ianto Jones
From: Gwen Cooper
Date: 03 March 2008
Subject: RE: Anything I should know about?
---
Thanks Ianto, that would be wonderful. I swear no matter how careful I am they just keep disappearing! It wouldn't surprise me if someone's sabotaged it just to piss me off!
Oh, no idea about the headlight, it was fine when I got back yesterday.
Will go and read the emails that have received since I sent that one earlier.
Gwen
********************
To: Ianto Jones
From: Gwen Cooper
Date: 03 March 2008
Subject: RE: Everything
---
What's this about the CCTV footage? Am I missing out on something exciting again? Honestly, if you'd ever get around to teaching me how to do it like you promised then maybe I'd have something to own up to!!
Gwen
********************
To: Toshiko Sato
From: Gwen Cooper
Date: 03 March 2008
Subject: RE: Anything I should know about?
Thanks Tosh, looks like it's all sorted now eh? Thank goodness for that!
Which reminds me, Rhys has this thing on tonight, do you want to catch a movie or something after work?
Gwen
********************
To: Captain Jack Harkness
From: Gwen Cooper
Date: 03 March 2008
Subject: Secrets
---
Actually Jack, Ianto hasn't shown me how to edit the CCTV footage yet so it can't be me. And even if I did know how to do it do you really think I'd use the Teletubbies?? Postman Pat is much more interesting. ;)
Gwen
********************
To: Ianto Jones
From: Gwen Cooper
Date: 03 March 2008
Subject: Secrets
---
Hi again Ianto,
What's my share of the pizza bill?
Gwen
********************
To: All
From: Ianto Jones
Date: 03 March 2008
Subject: Pizza Breakdown
---
I have the full break down of who owes what for that pizza bill. I've paid it using the Torchwood card, but I would like everyone to chip in so I can balance the accounts. The amounts are as follows:
Jack: 74 Pound 80p
Gwen: 97 Pound 50p
Tosh: 37 Pound (paid)
Owen: 1379 Pound 16p
Myself: 54 Pound 74p (paid)
If you have not paid, please do so. Thank you.
Ianto
********************
To: Gwen Cooper
From: Ianto Jones
Date: 03 March 2008
Subject: Many Things
---
Finally managed to find some time to check my email. If you would like, I can try to show you how the CCTV thing works after Jack sends Owen and Tosh home (I believe Tosh has gone already). I have Jack nicely distracted with a file he asked me to put together for him, so he won't interrupt us for a while.
I'm currently setting about retrieving your files. I have adjusted your settings so it should be harder to have any more accidents, but I will need to add something onto your computer later, so when you're not using it let me know. It should only take a minute.
Oh, and next time you take the car out, would you try to avoid leaving the radio on when you turn it off. Owen complains when he takes it out if the radio is still on.
Ianto
********************
To: Gwen Cooper
From: Toshiko Sato
Date: 03 March 2008
Subject: Tonight
Gwen,
I would have loved to have done something after work, but I'm actually busy tonight. :( I'll have to take a rain check. Although, I will can be free by the early evening if that works. I just have something that needs done first.
Tosh
********************
To: Ianto Jones
From: Captain Jack Harkness
Date: 03 March 2008
Subject: RE: Everything
---
Ianto, you are so right - I would get off on the comments and looks...you know me so well my dear boy!
I think you will really love my apology this evening - I promise you will not be disappointed. Just let your imagination run away with you, and you will be getting very close to what you're in for tonight.
By the way, that was the best coffee you have ever made for me. And funny how you didn't stay mad with me for very long - loved our little intimate moment before you left my office....you certainly know how to get my heart racing don't you?
Since knock off time is approaching fast, will we go over to your place straight after work? I gather you won't want to stop for dinner first ;)
Jack
********************
To: Gwen Cooper
From: Captain Jack Harkness
Date: 03 March 2008
Subject: Secrets
---
Well Gwen I'm quite surprised that you don't know how to edit the CCTV footage yet. I was certain it had to be you who had done the fiddle. Though I must admit, the Teletubbies thing didn't sound quite right if you were involved.
I wonder who on earth has been playing with the footage then.
Jack
********************
To: Ianto Jones
From: Captain Jack Harkness
Date: 03 March 2008
Subject: Pizza Breakdown
---
Ianto, I've put my share of the pizza money in the petty cash tin for safekeeping. You weren't around when I wanted to pay my bit, so I thought I should lock the money in the tin.
Has Owen paid up yet? We may have to let him pay it off in instalments....mind you if this happens, he won't be able to order any more pizza until he has settled the account. God, how does one person eat that much pizza? (are you sure he hasn't been sneaking pizza down to Janet?)
Jack
********************
To: Captain Jack Harkness
From: Ianto Jones
Date: 03 March 2008
Subject: RE: Everything
---
Honestly, Jack, is it possible for you not to grab me by the tie every time I walk into the office? And pulling those sad eyes on me is not fair. You know I can't stand it when you do that.
I need to show Gwen how to work the CCTV, or rather, how to edit the CCTV, before I finish up tonight, so you'll simply have to amuse yourself for a while. You can dwell on that little trick I pulled earlier. I'm sure you'll never find out where I learnt that one.
Oh, and I do believe Owen was feeding Janet pizza. I also discovered him doing some sort of experiments on the Meat Feast at one point. You realise, of course, Owen has pizza for every meal plus snacks. I think some pizza and coffee deprivation might wake him up to the error of his ways. Shall I begin taking bets on how long it will be until he cracks?
Ianto
********************
To: Ianto Jones
From: Captain Jack Harkness
Date: 03 March 2008
Subject: RE: Everything
---
Oh Ianto, I just have to do it, I just have to grab you by the tie, and yes EVERY time you walk in to my office. And I don't pull sad eyes at all, oh may be just a bit.....
Are you finished with Gwen yet? I think it must be time to go home, surely.....I've amused myself for quite long enough, in fact, I've actually been practising something that I know you will enjoy a bit later on. So c'mon, no more stalling.
Perhaps you are right re Owen - no pizza and coffee might make him wake up to himself. Yep definitely start taking bets. I love the way you think Ianto.
Now hurry up and get your sexy butt organised so we can go home.
Jack
********************
To: Capt. Jack Harkness
From: Owen Harper
Date: 03 March 2008
Subject: Re: Everything
---
Ooh Jack did you get my autograph for me from famous porn-star Chesty Lereaux? And did you happen to get my DVD's?
Oh, and Ianto should have his gun taken off him, I mean it's all fun and games until someone loses an eye.
Dr Owen Harper
********************
To: Owen Harper
From: Captain Jack Harkness
Date: 03 March 2008
Subject: Re: Everything
---
Yes Owen I got the autograph and the dvds you were wanting - they are sitting on my desk; just waiting for payment of course.
Nope Ianto is keeping the gun - and if you try pulling out another can of crap instant coffee, he will take pot shots again, so don't say you haven't been warned.
Jack
********************
To: Toshiko Sato
From: Owen Harper
Date: 03 March 2008
Subject: Ha Ha.
---
Why don't you go play with yourself Tosh.
Dr Owen Harper
********************
To: Captain Jack Harkness
From: Ianto Jones
Date: 03 March 2008
Subject: RE: Everything
---
Perhaps I should stop wearing the ties, That would put an end to your fun. And you use those eyes more than a bit. Now, if you look out the window I can very easily give you a taste of your own medicine. I still have to finish off setting up Gwen's computer, and then I have to see if she can work the new software. Perhaps you can amuse yourself with some things I found on Owen's computer. I saved them into the usual file.
Ianto
********************
To: Torchwood (All)
From: Jubilee Pizza
Date: 03 March 2008
Subject: Payment
---
Thank you for paying the bill. Finally!!
And tell that weedy guy he's not to try and scam any more free garlic breads or we'll ban him from our shop. He knows the rules ... it's every 500 pizzas then a free garlic bread!
We're still missing that delivery girl. And her scooter too! Are you sure you know nothing about this?
Chaz & Davo
Jubilee Pizza Senior Managers
Central Cardiff Branch
"Duuuuude! Call us for a pizza today!"
********************
To: Ianto Jones
From: Owen Harper
Date: 03 March 2008
Subject: Re: Pizza Breakdown
---
No way! I am not paying that. That is ridiculous, why do I have to pay that when at least once a month we spot Gwen crying into her pizza in the kitchen when she thinks no-one else is around. Besides, you know I'm worth it ;D
Dr. Owen Harper
********************
To: Capt. Jack Harkness
From: Owen Harper
Date: 03 March 2008
Subject: Re: Everything
---
What the hell is this?? Payment was not part of the deal. Does everyone think that I'm made of money? Oh and tell the twat from Jubilee that if he calls me weedy again I'll sock him one.
Girl's love it they do.
Dr. Owen Harper
********************
To: Owen Harper
From: Ianto Jones
Date: 03 March 2008
Subject: Re: Pizza Breakdown
---
Unlike you, Gwen normally pays for her own pizza. It just so happens that she forgot a few times. And I just received the email from Jubilee, and don't think I didn't spot the reference about the garlic bread. I thought I'd told you how that worked. It would appear that I would have been better off explaining it to Janet, as I am sure that not only she would have listened, but she would have comprehended as well.
Ianto
********************
To: Ianto Jones
From: Captain Jack Harkness
Date: 03 March 2008
Subject: RE: Everything
---
I'll have a look at that file now. Knowing Owen, I'm sure it will be amusing.
And Ianto, move your friggin arse as my patience is quickly running out. On top of that, the anticipation is killing me. Surely you are more than a bit curious as to what I have in mind for you this evening.
Jack
********************
To: Ianto Jones
From: Owen Harper
Date: 03 March 2008
Subject: Pizza Breakdown
---
Oh get your hand off it Ianto, you're telling me you never tried to scam a free tie with one of your suits? Or a free tank of petrol with a car service? Or free pack of rubbers with a sex toy? Yeah that's right, jack told us all about that one *kiss*
Dr. Owen Harper
********************
To: Captain Jack Harkness
From: Ianto Jones
Date: 03 March 2008
Subject: RE: Everything
---
It will take as long as it takes. These things cannot be rushed if they are to be done properly. You'll just have to try your patience and wait. I have a few new tricks to show you myself. Oh, and try not to rip my shirt off me tonight. I'm tired of having to replace them, and the guy at the shop is beginning to become suspicious.
Ianto
********************
To: Owen Harper
From: Ianto Jones
Date: 03 March 2008
Subject: Pizza Breakdown
---
When it comes to Jack, you need as many rubbers as you can get. He knows how to go through them. Unlike some people, he can go all night. And no, I have never scammed for a free tie, or free fuel. I simply use a rewards program and earn them.
Ianto
********************
To: Gwen Cooper
From: Owen Harper
Date: 03 March 2008
Subject: Be careful
---
Hey Gwen, I think the others are beginning to suspect something. There onto me with the pizza's and the garlic bread. Let's hope they don't find out about the... other thing.
Dr. Owen Harper
********************
To: Ianto Jones
From: Owen Harper
Date: 03 March 2008
Subject: Re: Pizza Breakdown
---
You have so. You don't have rewards cards, you just flash your Torchwood ID and they give you anything you want. Ties, G-strings, hair gel, moisturiser, handbags - that sort of thing.
And for your information, I have had many an all night session. Ever heard of Candy Suxx?
Dr. Owen Harper
********************
To: Owen Harper
From: Ianto Jones
Date: 03 March 2008
Subject: Re: Pizza Breakdown
---
I only ever flash the Torchwood card when I'm buying the ammunition and don't want them to start asking questions. And as a matter of fact, I have heard of her. Jack introduced me to her at a party earlier this year. I can assure you that hardly any of it is real, at least from where I was standing.
And the handbags are your thing, not mine.
Ianto
********************
To: Owen Harper
From: VVV - Vintage Video Village
Date: 03 March 2008
Subject: Return Due
---
Mister Harper
This is just a friendly reminder that your video / dvd rental -- 'The Little Mermaid' -- is due for return on the 4th of March.
If you do not return it on that date, you will be liable for a fine.
Sincerely
The Manager
~<>~
Perhaps seeing the amount of times you've borrowed this particular dvd, you might like to purchase your own personal copy instead!
-- Steve, The Manager
********************
To: Owen Harper
From: Ianto Jones
Date: 03 March 2008
Subject: :)
---
That's a rather interesting email you just received. I wonder what Jack, Gwen and Tosh would think of it.
Tea Boy
********************
To: Ianto Jones
From: Owen Harper
Date: 03 March 2008
Subject: Re: :)
---
What? Ariel's hot.
Besides, I'm sure you wouldn't want the others to find out about our hot weekend in my apartment. ;)
Dr. Owen Harper
********************
To: Owen Harper
From: Ianto Jones
Date: 03 March 2008
Subject: On second thought...
---
No word shall be spoken. At least not for now.
********************
To: Ianto Jones
From: Owen Harper
Date: 03 March 2008
Subject: Re: On second thought...
---
Now, about that coffee...
Dr Owen Harper
********************
To: Owen Harper
From: Ianto Jones
Date: 03 March 2008
Subject: Re: On second thought...
---
Don't press your luck. I believe that night can work both ways. I have a feeling you don't want the others to find out about it either.
Ianto
********************
To: Ianto Jones
From: Owen Harper
Date: 03 March 2008
Subject: Re: On Second Thought...
---
Au contreur, I believe that Gwen and Tosh would be more than willing to get in on some of that...
Dr Owen Harper
********************
To: Owen Harper
From: Ianto Jones
Date: 03 March 2008
Subject: Re: On Second Thought...
---
I think quite literally, as far as Tosh is concerned. And if it didn't involve you, maybe Gwen as well. The whole team; Jack's fantasy.
Ianto
********************
To: Ianto Jones
From: Owen Harper
Date: 03 March 2008
Subject: Re: On Second Thoughts...
---
Oh what you don't know about me and Gwen ;). And me and Tosh ;). And me and Jack ;) ;)
Dr. Owen Harper
********************
To: Owen Harper
From: Ianto Jones
Date: 03 March 2008
Subject: Re: On Second Thoughts...
---
No, that last ones a lie. Jack would have bragged about it. Sorry, you can't pull that one on me. Especially since Jack's reading over my shoulder laughing his head off.
Ianto
********************
To: Owen Harper
From: Captain Jack Harkness
cc: Ianto Jones
Date: 03 March 2008
Subject: Re: Everything
---
Ok Owen, here is the compromise......Torchwood will cover half your pizza bill, but you have to cough up the balance. I'm happy for you to pay it in instalments, but you need to get the debt settled before charging up any more pizzas to the account.
So no more whinging, just pay the instalments and clear the account.
From your fearless leader
********************
To: Ianto Jones
From: Owen Harper
Date: 03 March 2008
Subject: Re: On Second Thoughts...
---
Oh but there has been flirting. Don't think that I haven't noticed Jack. Yeah dream on, I am resistant to your charms.
Dr Owen Harper
********************
To: Owen Harper
From: Ianto Jones
Date: 03 March 2008
Subject: Re: On Second Thoughts...
---
Actually, Jack has gone back to his own computer. He's starting to get rather frisky. All the better for me later. And believe me, no one is resistant to Jack's charms. If he ever turned them on you, you'd find that I'm right. Hopefully he never will though. I couldn't put up with his complaints about how overrated you are in bed.
Ianto
********************
To: Ianto Jones; Owen Harper
From: Captain Jack Harkness
Date: 03 March 2008
Subject: Enough already
---
Ok you two, enough of the "posturing"......Owen, there may have been flirting but Ianto's my main squeeze.....I know I love flirting with all and sundry, and of course there is a lot of innuendo along the way but Ianto, well, Ianto is Ianto......aaaahhhh.
And Ianto you don't need to feel threatened....and by the way, I've nicked your stopwatch, and you have exactly 10 minutes to get your butt over to my office, as we have a date. Now if you don't get your arse over here by that time, date's off. Enough of the torture please. You've left me hanging for too long.
Jack
********************
To: Capt. Jack Harkness
From: Owen Harper
Date: 03 March 2008
Subject: Re: Everything
---
Ok, better than nothing. Also please stop flirting with me. I am not above filing a sexual harassment suit you know.
Dr. Owen Harper
********************
To: Captain Jack Harkness
From: Ianto Jones
Date: 03 March 2008
Subject: Enough already
---
You're not fooling anyone, Sir. As pleased as I am that you consider me your main squeeze, we both know that when that 10 minutes is up and I don't come in, you'll come out to drag me in there. Especially since you've still got those new toys to try. And considering Owen is still here, it would be rather amusing to see his reaction.
Love your personal torturer,
Ianto
********************
To: All
From: Owen Harper
Date: 03 March 2008
Subject: Very Funny
---
Who exactly thought that it would be a great laugh to post my confidential emails on the office bulletin board, huh? Own up now so that I may kill you mercifully.
Dr Owen Harper
********************
o: Torchwood (All)
From: Prime Minister's Office
Date: 03 March 2008
Subject: Torchwood Finances
Status: Classified
---
Torchwood
Please justify why the Prime Minister's Office has just been billed for exactly 1379 Pound 16p.
We also wish to remind you that your government grant funding is now up for review. Please submit your forms E22, E23, E27, Tax18, Tax21 and M45, filled out in triplicate, blocked letters in black pen.
Last financial year, the government spent exactly 3 million Pounds cleaning up the mess caused by Torchwood. Please justify why we should not just shut you down, in order to save the tax payers that money in the future.
We are also putting in place cost cutting measures, regarding new technologies. There will be no budget for technology in this financial year. You will have to make do with what you already have.
Signed
The Prime Minister's Aide
cc: Prime Minister
********************
To: Owen Harper
From: Ianto Jones
Date: 03 March 2008
Subject: Re: Very Funny
---
Ah. So I don't have to let the Little Mermaid thing slip after all. As for those other ones...
Ianto
********************
To: Captain Jack Harkness
From: Ianto Jones
Date: 03 March 2008
Subject: Going to be late
---
Jack, I'm afraid I'm going to be a little late for our date. I need to find some innovative and painful ways to torture Owen slowly to death.
Ianto
********************
To: All
From: Owen Harper
Date: 03 March 2008
Subject: Prime Minister's Email
---
Ok so judging from the amount of empty cans and fruit being thrown in the direction of my workstation, some of you obviously think that I have something to do with it.
Ok, maybe I did, but are we going to let them get away with cutting our budget. C'mon back me up here!
Dr Owen Harper
********************
To: All
From: Ianto Jones
Date: 03 March 2008
Subject: Re: Prime Minister's Email
---
I'm afraid that I must agree with Owen here. So, all those in favour of prostituting Owen out to repay that debt, please group email your agreement.
Ianto
********************
To: All
From: Owen Harper
Date: 03 March 2008
Subject: Re: Prime Minister's Email
---
Yeah right, how about we prostitute golden boy, he would draw a higher class of sleazebags and tramps...
Dr Owen Harper
********************
TBC...
Well, that winds up Part Two. Onwards to Part Three. Please note, due to the size of Part Three it had to be broken into two sections. Both are uploaded.
Part: 2 of 8
Author(s): cally73 (Toshiko), Clarrisani (Ianto), djpugsly (Owen), Obsessed7 (Gwen), QL (Random Others), Ruthyf (Jack)
Pairing(s): Multiple Pairings
Rating: R
Summary: Ianto discovers the SUV has a broken headlight...
Disclaimer: Not anyway connected to the BBC emails, just a bit of fun.
A/N: Written by a group of authors at the Torchwood Australian Forums for the "Torchwood Weekly Writing Challenge #4". I have permission from all those involved to reproduce this here. There are eight parts (one for each day). I will post a selection of links at the end of the final part to the original thread, the challenges, and also a selected few other links that might be of interested. Anyway, hope you enjoy.
Part One
********************
To: All
From: Captain Jack Harkness
Date: 03 March 2008
Subject: Everything
---
Bloody hell, I take a day off and the whole place turns upside down. And by the way for anyone who's interested, the Cardiff Sexpo was ffffaaannntttaaasstttiicccc..... bought some new toys (someone is going to be a lucky boy). And Owen that is also lucky for you after that beer exploding incident affected certain items of mine that were located in the freezer!
Firstly Ianto, I forgot to tell you about the little incident with the SUV (due to the day off). Yes it was my fault, I'll stick my hand up. I'm not going to go into what happened as it is a just a bit embarrassing. So now that you all have an admission, can we get back to normal? And Ianto, I would kill for a coffee, please!
Secondly, yes unfortunately I did contact St Mary's with the hope of another Torchwood visit, and with the hope of smoothing things over. So much for that idea. And Ianto, no I didn't contact the hospital; I'm not going there again.
Thirdly, the pizza bill - I believe my share is 100 pounds which includes the 2 deliveries of pizza that ended up in the food fights. Who on earth is cranking up this bill so much?
Lastly, I most definitely have not been fiddling (this time) with the CCTV footage so who is going to own up to that one?
Jack
********************
To: Owen Harper
From: Toshiko Sato
Date: 03 March 2008
Subject: Re. Ianto Bluffing
---
Yes, you do indeed make a killer instant coffee. Remember that time Ianto was away and Jack was interrogating an alien? It demanded some caffeine, so you made it a cup of your instant. Only things didn't go quite to plan did they? Jack wasn't too pleased if I recall.
Tosh
********************
To: Ianto Jones
From: Toshiko Sato
Date: 03 March 2008
Subject: Re. Pizza Bill
Ianto,
Let me know how much my share is, and I'll pay up. :) Now that Jack's owned up, do you think we could please, please get a cup of coffee? Just think how lonely your machine is getting. Please don't inflict Owen on us. You can make him suffer anyway you like, but please don't torment the rest of us! No one can make coffee the way you do.
Tosh
********************
To: Captain Jack Harkness
From: Toshiko Sato
Date: 03 March 2008
Subject: Sexpo
---
Jack,
Were you able to pick up that item I mentioned?
Tosh
********************
To: Toshiko Sato
From: Captain Jack Harkness
Date: 03 March 2008
Subject: Re. Sexpo
Sure did Tosh - didn't you find it in your bottom desk drawer yet?
Gee it was expensive; you owe me another 20 pounds.
Mmmm, do you need help test driving it? (nudge nudge, wink wink) I personally haven't used one before (cough cough), so would like to try it out. And at those prices I'd like to try before I buy.
********************
To: Captain Jack Harkness
From: Toshiko Sato
Date: 03 March 2008
Subject: Re. Sexpo
---
Thanks, Jack! I can't wait to test it out. Alone, thank you very much! From what I've heard, it's well worth every cent. Do you think I might be able to go home a little earlier today?
Tosh
********************
To: Toshiko Sato
From: Captain Jack Harkness
Date: 03 March 2008
Subject: Re. Sexpo
Tosh, I guess since it is for a good cause :), you can go a bit earlier today....but don't tell the others about it.
Jack.
********************
To: Gwen Cooper
From: Captain Jack Harkness
Date: 03 March 2008
Subject: Secrets
Gwen,
You know you did it, and I know you did it, but your secret is safe with me......so I'm pretty sure I know what was on that CCTV footage that has been edited. But really Gwen, teletubbies to cover up the incriminating evidence? How bizarre.
Jack.
********************
To: Captain Jack Harkness
From: Ianto Jones
Date: 03 March 2008
Subject: RE: Everything
---
Sir, must you broadcast our sex lives all over everyone’s emails? They already complain about knowing too much information. Also, I do believe you promised me that you would take me to the Sexpo, and then proceeded to neglect to mention it. You had better have come up with some creative ways of apologising.
And since you so nicely admitted that you were the one to break the headlight, I shall resume my coffee duties. You will be getting yours last of course. Oh, and could you please remind the team not to bring cans of coffee into the Hub, or I will have to do something slightly more drastic than shooting the can out of Owen's hand, even if the look of his face was priceless.
Finally, most of that pizza bill comes from Owen. It would seem we have discovered what he does when he is left behind at the Hub during missions.
Ianto
********************
To: Toshiko Sato
From: Ianto Jones
Date: 03 March 2008
Subject: Re. Pizza Bill
---
Tosh,
Your cup of coffee is currently brewing and will be on your desk soon. Jack will be receiving his last. I am still contemplating what needs to be done with Owen for subjecting the Hub to coffee in a can, and am open to suggestions.
As for the pizza, you actually have the lowest bill with only 37 pounds. I'm planning on taking the money in later on the way back from picking up the parts to fix the SUV headlight.
Ianto
********************
To: Ianto Jones
From: Captain Jack Harkness
Date: 03 March 2008
Subject: RE: Everything
---
Oh Ianto, I'm not telling them anything they don't already know (or haven't guessed yet)....lighten up. I'm really sorry I didn't take you to the Sexpo, but I knew you had to work on those "special" files for me, that I've entrusted only to you. And besides, you ARE going to be a lucky boy, and creativity is my middle name after all, so I'm sure you will accept my apology. Oh I can't wait to show you what I bought.
And Ianto, don't keep me waiting too long for my coffee - I'm really having caffeine withdrawals today. I just love what you can do with a bit of steam and froth ;)
Jack.
********************
To: All
From: Captain Jack Harkness
Date: 03 March 2008
Subject: Coffee duties
As I have owned up to the SUV incident, I would like to inform you that our dear Ianto Jones is now back on coffee duty (hip hip hooray for Ianto).
That said, I would like to remind you all to not bring any of that instant crap in to the hub. Ianto makes a superb brew, and we don't need any of that other rubbish lying around.
Thanks.
From your caffeine withdrawn leader (hint hint Ianto).
********************
To: Captain Jack Harkness
From: Ianto Jones
Date: 03 March 2008
Subject: RE: Everything
---
You're not the one who has to put up with the comments and looks when you're away. Then again, you'd probably get off on them. And I shall reserve judgement on your apology until I have seen it. It will be interesting to see if you can make it any more 'apologetic' than when you 'accidentally' doped up Myfanwy and I had to spend several hours putting the Hub back together.
I'm bringing your coffee in now. I'm currently still mad at you, so don't expect anything else.
Ianto
********************
To: Ianto Jones
From: Gwen Cooper
Date: 03 March 2008
Subject: RE: Anything I should know about?
---
Thanks Ianto, that would be wonderful. I swear no matter how careful I am they just keep disappearing! It wouldn't surprise me if someone's sabotaged it just to piss me off!
Oh, no idea about the headlight, it was fine when I got back yesterday.
Will go and read the emails that have received since I sent that one earlier.
Gwen
********************
To: Ianto Jones
From: Gwen Cooper
Date: 03 March 2008
Subject: RE: Everything
---
What's this about the CCTV footage? Am I missing out on something exciting again? Honestly, if you'd ever get around to teaching me how to do it like you promised then maybe I'd have something to own up to!!
Gwen
********************
To: Toshiko Sato
From: Gwen Cooper
Date: 03 March 2008
Subject: RE: Anything I should know about?
Thanks Tosh, looks like it's all sorted now eh? Thank goodness for that!
Which reminds me, Rhys has this thing on tonight, do you want to catch a movie or something after work?
Gwen
********************
To: Captain Jack Harkness
From: Gwen Cooper
Date: 03 March 2008
Subject: Secrets
---
Actually Jack, Ianto hasn't shown me how to edit the CCTV footage yet so it can't be me. And even if I did know how to do it do you really think I'd use the Teletubbies?? Postman Pat is much more interesting. ;)
Gwen
********************
To: Ianto Jones
From: Gwen Cooper
Date: 03 March 2008
Subject: Secrets
---
Hi again Ianto,
What's my share of the pizza bill?
Gwen
********************
To: All
From: Ianto Jones
Date: 03 March 2008
Subject: Pizza Breakdown
---
I have the full break down of who owes what for that pizza bill. I've paid it using the Torchwood card, but I would like everyone to chip in so I can balance the accounts. The amounts are as follows:
Jack: 74 Pound 80p
Gwen: 97 Pound 50p
Tosh: 37 Pound (paid)
Owen: 1379 Pound 16p
Myself: 54 Pound 74p (paid)
If you have not paid, please do so. Thank you.
Ianto
********************
To: Gwen Cooper
From: Ianto Jones
Date: 03 March 2008
Subject: Many Things
---
Finally managed to find some time to check my email. If you would like, I can try to show you how the CCTV thing works after Jack sends Owen and Tosh home (I believe Tosh has gone already). I have Jack nicely distracted with a file he asked me to put together for him, so he won't interrupt us for a while.
I'm currently setting about retrieving your files. I have adjusted your settings so it should be harder to have any more accidents, but I will need to add something onto your computer later, so when you're not using it let me know. It should only take a minute.
Oh, and next time you take the car out, would you try to avoid leaving the radio on when you turn it off. Owen complains when he takes it out if the radio is still on.
Ianto
********************
To: Gwen Cooper
From: Toshiko Sato
Date: 03 March 2008
Subject: Tonight
Gwen,
I would have loved to have done something after work, but I'm actually busy tonight. :( I'll have to take a rain check. Although, I will can be free by the early evening if that works. I just have something that needs done first.
Tosh
********************
To: Ianto Jones
From: Captain Jack Harkness
Date: 03 March 2008
Subject: RE: Everything
---
Ianto, you are so right - I would get off on the comments and looks...you know me so well my dear boy!
I think you will really love my apology this evening - I promise you will not be disappointed. Just let your imagination run away with you, and you will be getting very close to what you're in for tonight.
By the way, that was the best coffee you have ever made for me. And funny how you didn't stay mad with me for very long - loved our little intimate moment before you left my office....you certainly know how to get my heart racing don't you?
Since knock off time is approaching fast, will we go over to your place straight after work? I gather you won't want to stop for dinner first ;)
Jack
********************
To: Gwen Cooper
From: Captain Jack Harkness
Date: 03 March 2008
Subject: Secrets
---
Well Gwen I'm quite surprised that you don't know how to edit the CCTV footage yet. I was certain it had to be you who had done the fiddle. Though I must admit, the Teletubbies thing didn't sound quite right if you were involved.
I wonder who on earth has been playing with the footage then.
Jack
********************
To: Ianto Jones
From: Captain Jack Harkness
Date: 03 March 2008
Subject: Pizza Breakdown
---
Ianto, I've put my share of the pizza money in the petty cash tin for safekeeping. You weren't around when I wanted to pay my bit, so I thought I should lock the money in the tin.
Has Owen paid up yet? We may have to let him pay it off in instalments....mind you if this happens, he won't be able to order any more pizza until he has settled the account. God, how does one person eat that much pizza? (are you sure he hasn't been sneaking pizza down to Janet?)
Jack
********************
To: Captain Jack Harkness
From: Ianto Jones
Date: 03 March 2008
Subject: RE: Everything
---
Honestly, Jack, is it possible for you not to grab me by the tie every time I walk into the office? And pulling those sad eyes on me is not fair. You know I can't stand it when you do that.
I need to show Gwen how to work the CCTV, or rather, how to edit the CCTV, before I finish up tonight, so you'll simply have to amuse yourself for a while. You can dwell on that little trick I pulled earlier. I'm sure you'll never find out where I learnt that one.
Oh, and I do believe Owen was feeding Janet pizza. I also discovered him doing some sort of experiments on the Meat Feast at one point. You realise, of course, Owen has pizza for every meal plus snacks. I think some pizza and coffee deprivation might wake him up to the error of his ways. Shall I begin taking bets on how long it will be until he cracks?
Ianto
********************
To: Ianto Jones
From: Captain Jack Harkness
Date: 03 March 2008
Subject: RE: Everything
---
Oh Ianto, I just have to do it, I just have to grab you by the tie, and yes EVERY time you walk in to my office. And I don't pull sad eyes at all, oh may be just a bit.....
Are you finished with Gwen yet? I think it must be time to go home, surely.....I've amused myself for quite long enough, in fact, I've actually been practising something that I know you will enjoy a bit later on. So c'mon, no more stalling.
Perhaps you are right re Owen - no pizza and coffee might make him wake up to himself. Yep definitely start taking bets. I love the way you think Ianto.
Now hurry up and get your sexy butt organised so we can go home.
Jack
********************
To: Capt. Jack Harkness
From: Owen Harper
Date: 03 March 2008
Subject: Re: Everything
---
Ooh Jack did you get my autograph for me from famous porn-star Chesty Lereaux? And did you happen to get my DVD's?
Oh, and Ianto should have his gun taken off him, I mean it's all fun and games until someone loses an eye.
Dr Owen Harper
********************
To: Owen Harper
From: Captain Jack Harkness
Date: 03 March 2008
Subject: Re: Everything
---
Yes Owen I got the autograph and the dvds you were wanting - they are sitting on my desk; just waiting for payment of course.
Nope Ianto is keeping the gun - and if you try pulling out another can of crap instant coffee, he will take pot shots again, so don't say you haven't been warned.
Jack
********************
To: Toshiko Sato
From: Owen Harper
Date: 03 March 2008
Subject: Ha Ha.
---
Why don't you go play with yourself Tosh.
Dr Owen Harper
********************
To: Captain Jack Harkness
From: Ianto Jones
Date: 03 March 2008
Subject: RE: Everything
---
Perhaps I should stop wearing the ties, That would put an end to your fun. And you use those eyes more than a bit. Now, if you look out the window I can very easily give you a taste of your own medicine. I still have to finish off setting up Gwen's computer, and then I have to see if she can work the new software. Perhaps you can amuse yourself with some things I found on Owen's computer. I saved them into the usual file.
Ianto
********************
To: Torchwood (All)
From: Jubilee Pizza
Date: 03 March 2008
Subject: Payment
---
Thank you for paying the bill. Finally!!
And tell that weedy guy he's not to try and scam any more free garlic breads or we'll ban him from our shop. He knows the rules ... it's every 500 pizzas then a free garlic bread!
We're still missing that delivery girl. And her scooter too! Are you sure you know nothing about this?
Chaz & Davo
Jubilee Pizza Senior Managers
Central Cardiff Branch
"Duuuuude! Call us for a pizza today!"
********************
To: Ianto Jones
From: Owen Harper
Date: 03 March 2008
Subject: Re: Pizza Breakdown
---
No way! I am not paying that. That is ridiculous, why do I have to pay that when at least once a month we spot Gwen crying into her pizza in the kitchen when she thinks no-one else is around. Besides, you know I'm worth it ;D
Dr. Owen Harper
********************
To: Capt. Jack Harkness
From: Owen Harper
Date: 03 March 2008
Subject: Re: Everything
---
What the hell is this?? Payment was not part of the deal. Does everyone think that I'm made of money? Oh and tell the twat from Jubilee that if he calls me weedy again I'll sock him one.
Girl's love it they do.
Dr. Owen Harper
********************
To: Owen Harper
From: Ianto Jones
Date: 03 March 2008
Subject: Re: Pizza Breakdown
---
Unlike you, Gwen normally pays for her own pizza. It just so happens that she forgot a few times. And I just received the email from Jubilee, and don't think I didn't spot the reference about the garlic bread. I thought I'd told you how that worked. It would appear that I would have been better off explaining it to Janet, as I am sure that not only she would have listened, but she would have comprehended as well.
Ianto
********************
To: Ianto Jones
From: Captain Jack Harkness
Date: 03 March 2008
Subject: RE: Everything
---
I'll have a look at that file now. Knowing Owen, I'm sure it will be amusing.
And Ianto, move your friggin arse as my patience is quickly running out. On top of that, the anticipation is killing me. Surely you are more than a bit curious as to what I have in mind for you this evening.
Jack
********************
To: Ianto Jones
From: Owen Harper
Date: 03 March 2008
Subject: Pizza Breakdown
---
Oh get your hand off it Ianto, you're telling me you never tried to scam a free tie with one of your suits? Or a free tank of petrol with a car service? Or free pack of rubbers with a sex toy? Yeah that's right, jack told us all about that one *kiss*
Dr. Owen Harper
********************
To: Captain Jack Harkness
From: Ianto Jones
Date: 03 March 2008
Subject: RE: Everything
---
It will take as long as it takes. These things cannot be rushed if they are to be done properly. You'll just have to try your patience and wait. I have a few new tricks to show you myself. Oh, and try not to rip my shirt off me tonight. I'm tired of having to replace them, and the guy at the shop is beginning to become suspicious.
Ianto
********************
To: Owen Harper
From: Ianto Jones
Date: 03 March 2008
Subject: Pizza Breakdown
---
When it comes to Jack, you need as many rubbers as you can get. He knows how to go through them. Unlike some people, he can go all night. And no, I have never scammed for a free tie, or free fuel. I simply use a rewards program and earn them.
Ianto
********************
To: Gwen Cooper
From: Owen Harper
Date: 03 March 2008
Subject: Be careful
---
Hey Gwen, I think the others are beginning to suspect something. There onto me with the pizza's and the garlic bread. Let's hope they don't find out about the... other thing.
Dr. Owen Harper
********************
To: Ianto Jones
From: Owen Harper
Date: 03 March 2008
Subject: Re: Pizza Breakdown
---
You have so. You don't have rewards cards, you just flash your Torchwood ID and they give you anything you want. Ties, G-strings, hair gel, moisturiser, handbags - that sort of thing.
And for your information, I have had many an all night session. Ever heard of Candy Suxx?
Dr. Owen Harper
********************
To: Owen Harper
From: Ianto Jones
Date: 03 March 2008
Subject: Re: Pizza Breakdown
---
I only ever flash the Torchwood card when I'm buying the ammunition and don't want them to start asking questions. And as a matter of fact, I have heard of her. Jack introduced me to her at a party earlier this year. I can assure you that hardly any of it is real, at least from where I was standing.
And the handbags are your thing, not mine.
Ianto
********************
To: Owen Harper
From: VVV - Vintage Video Village
Date: 03 March 2008
Subject: Return Due
---
Mister Harper
This is just a friendly reminder that your video / dvd rental -- 'The Little Mermaid' -- is due for return on the 4th of March.
If you do not return it on that date, you will be liable for a fine.
Sincerely
The Manager
~<>~
Perhaps seeing the amount of times you've borrowed this particular dvd, you might like to purchase your own personal copy instead!
-- Steve, The Manager
********************
To: Owen Harper
From: Ianto Jones
Date: 03 March 2008
Subject: :)
---
That's a rather interesting email you just received. I wonder what Jack, Gwen and Tosh would think of it.
Tea Boy
********************
To: Ianto Jones
From: Owen Harper
Date: 03 March 2008
Subject: Re: :)
---
What? Ariel's hot.
Besides, I'm sure you wouldn't want the others to find out about our hot weekend in my apartment. ;)
Dr. Owen Harper
********************
To: Owen Harper
From: Ianto Jones
Date: 03 March 2008
Subject: On second thought...
---
No word shall be spoken. At least not for now.
********************
To: Ianto Jones
From: Owen Harper
Date: 03 March 2008
Subject: Re: On second thought...
---
Now, about that coffee...
Dr Owen Harper
********************
To: Owen Harper
From: Ianto Jones
Date: 03 March 2008
Subject: Re: On second thought...
---
Don't press your luck. I believe that night can work both ways. I have a feeling you don't want the others to find out about it either.
Ianto
********************
To: Ianto Jones
From: Owen Harper
Date: 03 March 2008
Subject: Re: On Second Thought...
---
Au contreur, I believe that Gwen and Tosh would be more than willing to get in on some of that...
Dr Owen Harper
********************
To: Owen Harper
From: Ianto Jones
Date: 03 March 2008
Subject: Re: On Second Thought...
---
I think quite literally, as far as Tosh is concerned. And if it didn't involve you, maybe Gwen as well. The whole team; Jack's fantasy.
Ianto
********************
To: Ianto Jones
From: Owen Harper
Date: 03 March 2008
Subject: Re: On Second Thoughts...
---
Oh what you don't know about me and Gwen ;). And me and Tosh ;). And me and Jack ;) ;)
Dr. Owen Harper
********************
To: Owen Harper
From: Ianto Jones
Date: 03 March 2008
Subject: Re: On Second Thoughts...
---
No, that last ones a lie. Jack would have bragged about it. Sorry, you can't pull that one on me. Especially since Jack's reading over my shoulder laughing his head off.
Ianto
********************
To: Owen Harper
From: Captain Jack Harkness
cc: Ianto Jones
Date: 03 March 2008
Subject: Re: Everything
---
Ok Owen, here is the compromise......Torchwood will cover half your pizza bill, but you have to cough up the balance. I'm happy for you to pay it in instalments, but you need to get the debt settled before charging up any more pizzas to the account.
So no more whinging, just pay the instalments and clear the account.
From your fearless leader
********************
To: Ianto Jones
From: Owen Harper
Date: 03 March 2008
Subject: Re: On Second Thoughts...
---
Oh but there has been flirting. Don't think that I haven't noticed Jack. Yeah dream on, I am resistant to your charms.
Dr Owen Harper
********************
To: Owen Harper
From: Ianto Jones
Date: 03 March 2008
Subject: Re: On Second Thoughts...
---
Actually, Jack has gone back to his own computer. He's starting to get rather frisky. All the better for me later. And believe me, no one is resistant to Jack's charms. If he ever turned them on you, you'd find that I'm right. Hopefully he never will though. I couldn't put up with his complaints about how overrated you are in bed.
Ianto
********************
To: Ianto Jones; Owen Harper
From: Captain Jack Harkness
Date: 03 March 2008
Subject: Enough already
---
Ok you two, enough of the "posturing"......Owen, there may have been flirting but Ianto's my main squeeze.....I know I love flirting with all and sundry, and of course there is a lot of innuendo along the way but Ianto, well, Ianto is Ianto......aaaahhhh.
And Ianto you don't need to feel threatened....and by the way, I've nicked your stopwatch, and you have exactly 10 minutes to get your butt over to my office, as we have a date. Now if you don't get your arse over here by that time, date's off. Enough of the torture please. You've left me hanging for too long.
Jack
********************
To: Capt. Jack Harkness
From: Owen Harper
Date: 03 March 2008
Subject: Re: Everything
---
Ok, better than nothing. Also please stop flirting with me. I am not above filing a sexual harassment suit you know.
Dr. Owen Harper
********************
To: Captain Jack Harkness
From: Ianto Jones
Date: 03 March 2008
Subject: Enough already
---
You're not fooling anyone, Sir. As pleased as I am that you consider me your main squeeze, we both know that when that 10 minutes is up and I don't come in, you'll come out to drag me in there. Especially since you've still got those new toys to try. And considering Owen is still here, it would be rather amusing to see his reaction.
Love your personal torturer,
Ianto
********************
To: All
From: Owen Harper
Date: 03 March 2008
Subject: Very Funny
---
Who exactly thought that it would be a great laugh to post my confidential emails on the office bulletin board, huh? Own up now so that I may kill you mercifully.
Dr Owen Harper
********************
o: Torchwood (All)
From: Prime Minister's Office
Date: 03 March 2008
Subject: Torchwood Finances
Status: Classified
---
Torchwood
Please justify why the Prime Minister's Office has just been billed for exactly 1379 Pound 16p.
We also wish to remind you that your government grant funding is now up for review. Please submit your forms E22, E23, E27, Tax18, Tax21 and M45, filled out in triplicate, blocked letters in black pen.
Last financial year, the government spent exactly 3 million Pounds cleaning up the mess caused by Torchwood. Please justify why we should not just shut you down, in order to save the tax payers that money in the future.
We are also putting in place cost cutting measures, regarding new technologies. There will be no budget for technology in this financial year. You will have to make do with what you already have.
Signed
The Prime Minister's Aide
cc: Prime Minister
********************
To: Owen Harper
From: Ianto Jones
Date: 03 March 2008
Subject: Re: Very Funny
---
Ah. So I don't have to let the Little Mermaid thing slip after all. As for those other ones...
Ianto
********************
To: Captain Jack Harkness
From: Ianto Jones
Date: 03 March 2008
Subject: Going to be late
---
Jack, I'm afraid I'm going to be a little late for our date. I need to find some innovative and painful ways to torture Owen slowly to death.
Ianto
********************
To: All
From: Owen Harper
Date: 03 March 2008
Subject: Prime Minister's Email
---
Ok so judging from the amount of empty cans and fruit being thrown in the direction of my workstation, some of you obviously think that I have something to do with it.
Ok, maybe I did, but are we going to let them get away with cutting our budget. C'mon back me up here!
Dr Owen Harper
********************
To: All
From: Ianto Jones
Date: 03 March 2008
Subject: Re: Prime Minister's Email
---
I'm afraid that I must agree with Owen here. So, all those in favour of prostituting Owen out to repay that debt, please group email your agreement.
Ianto
********************
To: All
From: Owen Harper
Date: 03 March 2008
Subject: Re: Prime Minister's Email
---
Yeah right, how about we prostitute golden boy, he would draw a higher class of sleazebags and tramps...
Dr Owen Harper
********************
TBC...
Well, that winds up Part Two. Onwards to Part Three. Please note, due to the size of Part Three it had to be broken into two sections. Both are uploaded.