things go back and forth and are better again(in regards to my last entry). horribly vivid dreams i had last night. two in particular really disturbed me. there was a party of some sort at my grandparent's house and all these very odd people show up at sit around the table, everyone seems to know them except for me. they are all ritzy and the like ( Read more... )

i'm driving myself crazy trying to get certain thoughts out of my head. things i shouldn't be thinking about anymore. it's very hard to do but it is necessary. and i feel silly typing about it. it's not really so bad. it's just when i'm by myself all of it keeps haunting me. i haven't cried much, only a couple of intense spurts when i felt ( Read more... )

long time no update... welllll, i have a job! i'm working at this cafe/bakery in the mall called cinnamon city, have been for almost a week now. got an accordion, waiting for it to get to me, yay internet shopping. saving saving saving because i'm moving to calgary in january. things have had their ups and downs, i was really unhappy for a while ( Read more... )

another failed attempt at some kind of birthday gathering under my belt... i don't really care, it's just a fact. i don't think i'm meant to try to plan things for myself like this, ha. they just don't work out and it never has anything to do with me, it's just that things come up with other people that are actually important, there is always ( Read more... )

i want to record all of the vocal work for "more than a gift" this weekend. yes, all of it. it will happen inbetween all of the pre-birthday shenenigans. didn't look for a job today, didn't have a ride to places and the weather was too dreadful to walk around in. tomorrow? maybe. i'm still haunted by various things. every twenty-first of every ( Read more... )

emotions swinging up and down. the brian jonestown massacre show last wednesday was absolutely fantastic. had a really good time... drank a lot, danced a lot, and managed to meet anton after the show. from thursday until yesterday, i had the house to myself. it was a free for all commune involving the playing and recording of music, lots of alcohol ( Read more... )

strange dreams again. dreams about making films. about sitting around and brainstorming and having great ideas but i cannot remember what those great ideas were but i had one that i know i have not already had in real life that was really brilliant, if only i could remember what it was. i'm going to try very hard. and something about riding bikes ( Read more... )

feeling better, most of my insecurities were based on things inside me, i have a terrible habit of distorting reality and deciding that my distortions are truth when they are not and assuming extremes. for me, it is hard to find a balance between things being very good and very terrible. i was able to start my adventures in musical sawing this ( Read more... )

why do i let myself care about people so much? ughhhhh.

purging always and washing myself clean again and again of all of that of which i thought i knew; every day, again and again. new favourite band for today. unable to sleep again. not wanting to wake up but still going, going, going. always going. needing to get the hell out of here and find something new. peace doesn't exist for people like me, i' ( Read more... )