Battlefield
Previous: The Greatest Show in the Galaxy
Battlefield
Ah yes, that theme variation that I hate and the logo that is so PAINFULLY '80s. This is going to grow on me eventually, isn't it?
Alistair? OH MY GOD IS THAT OLDER!BRIG.
IT IS OLDER!BRIG! And apparently he's left UNIT and become a teacher since last we saw him. ...when DID we last see him?
*checks Wikipedia* Ah yes, The Five Doctors. And...Mawdryn Undead? Still need to watch those...
And you must be Brigadier Winnie!
SEVEN! ACE! Hello, nice to finally meet you!
If I didn't know better, I'd say that a lightcycle just fell out of the sky and crashed into the side of that hill.
*Seven pulls IDs out of hat*
"...Who's Elizabeth Shaw? I don't even look like her!"
"I would just like to say three things: Yeti, Autons, Daleks. Cybermen and Silurians!"
"That was five things!"
"She didn't even notice."
"How can he be the same man if his appearance and personality have changed?"
"I don't know, sir."
Oh if only you knew...
Wow. They weren't kidding when they said that the McCoy era music sounded like an '80s exercise video.
SPACE KNIGHTS WITH GUNS. THIS SHOW.
I have a feeling that Winnie keeps saying "oh, shame..." as a family-friendly substitute for "oh, shit..."
BRIG. IS. BACK! *cue dramatic comeback music*
"Well if my hunch is right, the Earth could be the center of a war that doesn't even belong to this dimension!" THAT was a fast deduction...
Alrighty, now where were we? Ah yes: Seven, Ace, and Other People were about to be slaughtered by SPACE KNIGHTS WITH GUNS.
"Listen, now that we're all here, let me introduce myself. I'm the Doctor and this is..."
*BLAM*
"Go, before I unleash a terrible SOMETHING on you!" Oh my god. I'm half-expecting McCoy to grow fangs and start snarling at any second.
Also, this whole Arthurian-legend-from-space is cracking me up quite a bit. It reminds me of my Wayfinder LARPs, but cheesier.
Strangely enough, guess who has the larger budget? I'll give you a hint: it's the one that's NOT a summer camp.
"That was Mordred, and his mother Morgaine, a mighty sorceress."
"You know these guys, then?"
"Never met them before."
"I do not talk to peasants."
"You'll talk to ME!" *brawl*
"Professor?"
"Ignore them, they're just establishing their credentials."
Epic storm and lightning strikes outside an old brick castle where baddies gather. It is PHYSICALLY IMPOSSIBLE for this to get any campier.
"By this sword, brother to Excalibur, I PART the curtain of night!" *LIGHTNING* Guys. This. I cannot stop giggling.
Okay, THAT'S how it can get campier: having Mordred do one of the hammiest Evil Laughs in the HISTORY OF EVER.
Is it just me, or is McCoy REQUIRED to growl every line related to threats through gritted teeth?
So Seven's got: his umbrella, a gun on said umbrella, a sword, and a UNIT cap. Looks like somebody's going to war.
*blow into an empty chip bag* *clap* *BANG*
"Good morning." *leaves.*
That is the best wake-up call.
"No one's been able to decipher the carving."
"It says 'dig hole here'."
"Extraordinary. What does it say that in?"
"My handwriting."
"Ace...one of these days we're going to have a nice, long talk about acceptable safety standards." Get on that. You've got 3.5 serials left.
So despite this being "a few years into the future," they didn't foresee the eventual breakup of Czechoslovakia? For shame, time travelers.
Also, is it just me or does EVERY Classic story involving UNIT allegedly take place "a few years into the future"?*
They're going to bring down the Brig's helicopter with MAGIC. I THINK.
I WAS RIGHT.
"With any luck, a tunnel."
"A dark mysterious one?"
"Probably."
"Leading to unknown dangers?"
"Indubitably."
"Oh, wicked!"
Guys, I'm sorry for putting almost as many direct quotes here as my own opinions, but this story is just SO DAMN QUOTABLE FOR SOME REASON.
"Don't worry, Ace. It's only a trap." See? Like that! Also, when are you going to explain the 8th century concrete?
And then there was a helis'plosion!
(I love devising new variates of that line.)
So Mordred gets cast out by his own mother because he forgot to mention that they were fighting near a graveyard? ...Okay...
Some say he roams the woods at night, foraging for wolves. All we know is he's called..."The Brig."
I wish I could remember which Top Gear parody on ihasatardis I just completely ripped off.
Also, I guess we're about to find out what happens when you bring a knife to a gun fight. I mean, a gun to a magic fight.
Actually, we just learned that the Brig + prolonged practical exposure to the Doctor = relaxed composure when confronted with alien witches.
Unless you don't count "holding said alien witch at gunpoint" as "relaxed composure."
Guys. The Brig is holding an armored transdimensional sorceress at gunpoint while discussing World War Remembrance. THIS. SHOW.
"I wish you to know that I bear you no malice."
"I understand."
"But when we meet again, I shall kill you."
Being attacked by a mysterious green snake-thing? There is no Plan A. Go with Plan B: RUN!!!
AH, THAT MUST BE THE INFAMOUS WATER TANK.
Well, I'm halfway through my first Seven serial and I must say that I LOVE this guy. SERIOUSLY.
Now I'm more miffed that I missed the chance to meet Sylvester himself a few weeks ago. Then again, I wasn't old enough to go to that event.
By which I mean, my age was basically the ONLY reason I couldn't go. *sigh* Oh well, still lots of Doctor out there...
So, here's my Doctor-rating so far:
One: Really like.
Two: Love.
Three: Love.
Four: Love.
Five: Love.
Six: May grow on me later.
Seven: Love.
Eight: Only one left to see.
Nine: Really like (really need to re-watch, since he was my first).
Ten: My Doctor.
Eleven: Love.
So your companion's about to drown in a tank of water. What do you do? Grab the nearest glowing thing with cables and PULL!
OH MY GOD ACE IS THE LADY OF THE LAKE
"What were you doing in the lake?"
"Drowning. Here, you can be King of England."
And Seven is saved by THE BRIG *triumphant music* stomping on said Nearest Glowing Thing. Together again at last...
So you're a knight from another world, banished by your own mother. What do you do? Go to a pub, get smashed, and hit on local girls.
And then your mom comes back, kills said local girl, and picks up your tab by RESTORING THE LANDLADY'S EYESIGHT. GUYS, THIS SHOW.
They certainly seem to've rounded up an international cast here. I'm hearing all kinds of European accents I can't place.
Seven has Jedi mind powers. What...he...I just...WHAT? I mean, I know the Master had it and Two and Four had their hypnowatches but...this?
BESSIE! "Better than a helicopter," apparently. And with a new license-plate to match the new driver: "WHO 7"
Okay, there's burning rubber, and then there's LEAVING LITERAL STREAKS OF FLAME ON THE GROUND WHEN YOUR ROADSTER TAKES OFF.
"I've got to put an end to this bloodshed."
"How, Doctor? Stand in the middle and shout 'stop'?"
"...Good idea."
UNIT soldiers clashing with Space Knights With Guns. With the most insanely '80s music I think I've ever heard. So much inadvertent win.
I think we're nearing the bridge between Classic and New Who. It looks great, but the SHEER RIDICULOUSNESS of the plot is hilarious.
In case I haven't made myself clear: SPACE KNIGHTS WITH GUNS. And MAGIC. And '80s MUSIC. And soon we'll have our TOKEN RUBBER SUIT MONSTER.
"STOOOOOOOP! I COMMAND IT! THERE. WILL. BE. NO. BATTLE HERE!!!" Oh my god Seven I love you.
Huh. The Destroyer might actually be a halfway-decent Rubber Suit Monster. It certainly looks more detailed than many who came before it.
"Tell Morgaine to call off the Destroyer, or I WILL DECAPITATE YOU." GUYS. SEVEN'S UMBRELLA JUST BECAME OH SO VERY AWESOME.
Guys...listen...I don't even...HOW IS THIS STORY BEING SO UNENDINGLY RELENTLESSLY MADE OF SOLID WIN.
IT IS QUITE POSSIBLY THE GREATEST GRILLED CHEESE SANDWICH I'VE EVER EATEN ON THIS SHOW.
And apparently Seven's suggestion of arming UNIT with silver bullets was right on the mark. No pun intended.
Despite the fact that he's only used it a couple times, I may have "GERONIMO!" forever associated with Eleven. So yeah, Ace, about that...
The demonic minion equivalent of ripping your shirt open: ripping your chainmail open.
OH MY GOD. OH MY GOD BRIG. OH MY GOD. I KNOW WHERE THIS IS GOING. WHY ARE YOU THE MOST-AWESOME-EVER.
"Ah...little man...what do you want of me?"
"GET OFF. MY. WORLD."
The following fangasm needs its own Tweet:
FUCK YEAH BRIG!!!
And then there was lots of GREEN s'plosions!
"Ace?"
"Yes, Brigadier?"
"I'm getting too old for this sort of thing. He's all yours from now on."
There is a sorceress from another dimension trying to launch a nuclear missile. I know I've said it so many times this story but, this show.
D'awww, happy everybody-together-enjoying-the-sunshiney-day ending!
Okay this is going right up there with The Mind Robber, City of Death, and The Armageddon Factor as an all-time favorite Classic Who serial.
Seriously, I cannot properly express my love for the EPIC cheese. It is melt-in-your-mouth delicious.
Next: Ghost Light
*See my commentary for "The Silurians" for my explanation concerning the "Present Day" tag.