The Trial of a Time Lord: The Ultimate Foe
Previous: The Trial of a Time Lord Parts 8-12: Terror of the Vervoids
Parts 13-14: The Ultimate Foe
"By Robert Holmes. Part Thirteen." Unlucky 13. Poor old Robert.
His Name Is "The Railyard."
I have to admit it's a bit odd hearing Six and actually seeing him, after I've been listening to his BFAs for the past couple days.
"The matrix can be physically penetrated!" ...no comment. I am an adult.
Valeyard, somehow I don't think chuckling evily after Six accuses you of tampering with the matrix is going to help your case.
Two mysterious coffin-shaped things fly in and...GLITZ! MEL! Welcome back! Come on in, you're missing all the fun.
Ahh, so I guess Mel sticking with Glitz in Dragonfire does have a little something to substantiate it after all: they'd met before, here.
(I know that's a weak defense, but it's more prior contact than most companions have before they jump ship to get married.)
"You said you were sent here, Sabalom Glitz, by whom?"
"By me, madam."
MAAASTERRRRR!! Holy crap, when did I see you last? The Five Doctors?
The whole set-up of this scene is actually pretty hilarious, mainly with the Master standing IN the matrix and being all "oh hay guyz s'up?"
Also, the InfoText is doing a very efficient job at pointing out all the plotholes of this scene which, for your sanity, I won't go into.
Although I will agree with its surprise that the Inquisitor doesn't know who THE MASTER is, by name OR reputation.
...and neither does the Valeyard, somehow amazingly apparently.
Oh. Well, at least with the Valeyard, the Master gets to call him out on the "shortness of his memory."
"If I might intercede?"
"YOU have no part in these proceedings, sir."
"Corporeally, of course not, but I'm present and enjoying myself enormously."
Guys...this...I can't even...just...giggling, so goddamn much right now. #iloveyoumaster
Seriously, that was just like "can I play too? :D"
"NO GTFO. D:<"
"aww, can't I watch? D:"
"...k :|"
":D"
His Name Is "The Stackyard."
Well, I think we've just had the entire missing plot of The Mysterious Planet explained to us.
"In all my travelings throughout the universe, I've battled against evil, against power-mad conspirators. I should've stayed here! The oldest civilization: decadent, degenerate, and ROTTEN TO THE CORE! Power-mad conspirators, Daleks, Sontarans, Cybermen! They're still in the nursery compared to us! Ten million years of absolute power. THAT'S what it takes to be really corrupt!"
And at last, the final revelation: the Valeyard is, allegedly, a future evil spin-off of the Doctor. #spoilersilearnedlongago
I wonder if the fan theories regarding the Dream Lord from Amy's Choice turn out to be true: that he's actually a precursor to the Valeyard.
Finally! Action in the trial chamber! And why did Six insist on bringing Glitz but not Mel? Oh wait, actually that does make sense...
I don't know about you guys, but the Matrix looks a bit like medieval England to me.
And now we have the cheerful singing of children doing "London Bridge is Falling Down" with Evil Laughter in the background. ...what.
"Huh. I can't believe you're in THERE..."
*GRAB*
OH GOD WHAT IS THAT WATER BARREL.
"We just stepped through a door, that's all!"
"Into the matrix, where the only logic is...that there isn't any logic."
So the Master leaves a note for the Doctor on where to find the Valeyard's base, which is LITERALLY lit up with flashing neon lights. What.
I haven't said it in a while but, guys...THIS. SHOW.
This episode can't seem to decide how seriously it wants to take itself. But personally, I have no problem with this.
"You'll be perfectly safe..." but then Glitz was hit by a BIG WOBBLY SPEAR! #ohnoes
Awww, and the Master gets to give us our happy Peri epilogue.
I just realized: Glitz might be the closest thing Six ever gets to a male companion. He doesn't even have one in the audios.
(Well, okay, unless someone wants to count the upcoming ones with him, Evelyn and Thomas Brewster, but let's not go into that now.)
("The events surround the writing of the final two episodes of this story are some of the darkest days ever to have befallen those working behind-the-scenes at Doctor Who.") That's probably the most ominous bit of InfoText I've seen so far. I must read this.
"The Doctor's well-matched against himself. One must destroy the other."
"How utterly evil!"
"Thank you!"
Ouch. That dramatic zoom-in on the Master's yeah-I-guess-I-was-kinda-behind-it-all speech would've been more awesome with tighter effects.
And now there are TWO secretaries! (...that was really odd)
"My work is a celebration of all that is perfect! Why speed perfection?"
"...Because your employer wants me dead."
Guys, the Valeyard is indirectly making the Doctor basically sign a waiver for his remaining lives if he dies in a corridor. I can't even...
"This is a very odd waiting room. And where are the hopelessly out-of-date magazines?" ......but it's a beach.
Ah yes, this scene. Evil laughter from the sky and creepy hands reaching out to drag Six down into the painfully obvious quicksand.
Hopefully, that's the last cliffhanger I'll have to deal with with Colin mugging for the camera by executive order.
(Don't get me wrong, Colin has a lovely face, but some cliffhanger gimmicks get really old really fast.)
This is the last time I'll be seeing/hearing that title sequence...
Wow, Glitz actually tore one of Six's orange spats off.
Actually, I think he got them both...and then they got sunk back under...and Six can still talk...what...
Huh. So that scene of Six rising almost Jesus-like from the sand was actually just a sinking shot played backwards.
GLITZ. THEY'RE NOT CALLED "ANKLE ARMOR." THEY'RE CALLED "SPATS."
I really don't know what specific need there actually is for the Valeyard to keep jump-cutting all over the place like that.
So Mel finally decides to try and enter the matrix to help Six...and the Keeper just trips her. Ouch.
Nerve gas! Quick! Into that black beach hut that may or may not be the Master's TARDIS in disguise!
Oh Master, you were just doing this to get rid of the guy who would've destroyed the Doctor instead of you. That's just so...you.
And then you lead Glitz away and leave Six alone in your console room with...I'm going to assume, the most epic disco ball reflections ever.
"He'll become a zombie?"
"Temporarily. Long enough for my purposes."
And what exactly ARE these "purposes," Master, pray tell?
Ah. Valeyard bait. Of course. ...wait, Glitz, did you just slap Six on the ass? This isn't the time to be copping a feel.
Is it just me, or does the Master's dildo have a different-looking effect each serial?
RUN, Master and Glitz! RUN from the evil man cackling and throwing exploding quill pens at you!
Awakened by Mel! Although considering how much shadow she's in, it wouldn't surprise me if that wasn't really her.
And now they appear to've left the matrix...but somehow I doubt it...
"I would trust Mel with my life." And considering how things are going back to "normal," I'm becoming even more suspicious.
Oh hey Vervoids.
WHAT THE EVERLOVING THEY ZOOMED OUT FROM THE TRIAL ROOM INTO THE TRIAL ROOM I WAS EXPECTING A FAKE BUT NOT A REVEAL LIKE THAT.
"We cannot interfere!"
"Well I CAN!"
And suddenly BAMF!MEL.
Seeing Time Lord guards pulling a horse and carriage is a very odd sight, let me tell you.
Oh. Please tell me this is going to lead to some three-way team-up between Mel, Glitz, and the Master. Because that would be AWESOME.
"That trial was an illusion!"
*ping!*
Well that was easy.
...so apparently Mel didn't just save the Doctor, she just accidentally threw a wrench in his plan. Crap.
Wait. No. Master. Seriously? All your "I am the Master and you will obey me" power and you're using a dangling crystal to hypnotize Glitz?
Oh. Actually that didn't work at all. Glitz was distracted by shiny things, but not in the way that the Master wanted.
Also, Glitz seems to have a knack for turning peoples' own guns on themselves.
Have I mentioned yet that I ADORE the Master just...being...*him* in this story?
And now we're coming in on the last 10 minutes of the Colin Baker era. I should've mentioned that at the beginning of the episode...
Wow. Now that was a REALLY impressive prosthetic mask. Seriously. Wow.
"A megabyte modem!" Oooooo, MEGABYTES? I think I have a few of those on my iPod... #80scomputers
("A 'megabye modem' is perhaps the silliest piece of descriptive dialogue given to explain a deadly flashing box of lights in the entire history of Doctor Who! And that's saying something!")
Wait...WHEN did Gallifrey start falling to pieces because of this trial?
"You really are the archetypal philistine. Moments such as this should be savored!" Oh Master, you really do love your savoring, don't you?
Uh oh, something's draining the color in the Master's TARDIS and making everyone speak in Pig Latin! (I think!)
I just realized how rare it is to see Ainley!Master looking shocked or horrified. I think last time was the Brig's punch in Five Doctors.
(Last time that I remember, anyway. Haven't seen Planet of Fire yet. Of course, there was also "MY WEEEEEEEEEEEEB!!!" in Castrovalva.)
"There's nothing you can do to prevent the catharsis of spurious morality!" After nearly a year, I still don't quite understand that line.
And I think the InfoText just did me the courtesy of breaking it down for me. Thank you.
Oh no, not MEGABYTES! Quick! Dodge the deadly flying MEGABYTES!
And then there was a MEGABYTE s'plosion.
So let me get this straight: after all that, the final battle comes down NOT to good vs. evil, but to shutting down a flashing technobox?
GUYS. I DO BELIEVE THAT IS WHAT IS TERMED A "COP-OUT." SERIOUSLY. WHAT THE HELL.
("The clip had a soft heart-shaped pink-tinged border added to it for extra sugary cringeworthness.") #infotexttrufax
I think you can all probably guess what was just shown. Apparently it wasn't until the DVD prep for Mindwarp that Nicola Bryant ever saw it.
Apparently the "prevent the catharsis" post was my 9,000th Tweet and I missed it! Nicely appropriate, though.
This is Colin Baker's last scene. Considering there's no regeneration involved, it REALLY doesn't feel like it.
"Carrot juice, carrot juice, carrot juice..." Poor Colin. We hardly knew ye. And yet you live quite successfully on, thanks to @bigfinish
(I was listening to Project: Twilight and Project: Lazarus earlier today and quite enjoying them.)
OH. HELLO UNEXPECTED!MICHAEL JAYSTON. HOW DID YOU GET OUT OF THE MATRIX.
I'm not even going to try and wrap my mind around everything that was wrong with that final scene because my brain might explode.
And so, at last, the Trial ends. Excellent execution, but with tragically poor pay-off. Because seriously. That ending. Those endings.
Next: Season 24: Time and the Rani