Help me...

[cliffieluv]

I've come to this sort of crossroads in my life

Comments

[burstoflight]

There's nothing wrong with the way you're feeling. Everyone goes through phases in their lives. Everyone is always changing. As for your sexuality, it honestly shouldn't matter to anyone. Nothing is completely "black" or "white" anyway. I do think you should talk to someone though. Just let the feelings out to someone. Someone you can trust...and believe me, they'll stand by you no matter what. *HUGS*

[cliffieluv]

Thanks! *hugs* I've started talking to my psychiatrist about it after seeing her for 4 years and not saying one word but I should probably talk more about it with her but even with her its really hard to mention. I just can't talk to my friends or family about it even though I do trust them. But my friends have different beliefs than me and I feel like they won't understand and I don't want to lose them.

[babyjamesismine]

Aw Becca, I really don't know what to say to this. I can't even begin to imagine how you feel, but I'm so sorry to hear you feel this way. :( I think you're stuck in between maybe not feeling what the world wants you to feel...liking men, but also not totally feeling what you maybe think you should...fully liking women. I'm not sure if you're saying you are gay or that you are questioning it or that you just don't want to be it. I don't know that, and obviously I can't tell you how to feel or who to be. So leaving that issue aside, you asked what to do, how to live, in the midst of a situation where you feel out of place in the world. The reason for feeling that way is almost moot, because many people feel that way but for entirely different reasons, so first I would suggest maybe not focusing too much on that because maybe that's not really the crux of your feelings, because I think even if you had that figured out you might still not be happy with who you are. I don't know, its hard to give any sort of advice in these

[cliffieluv]

Awe, thanks for the advice.

Most of the time I don't even know what I'm talking about so if you were able to decipher my rambling then you get bonus points!

I'm not really religious but I know that praying is a very big comfort for a lot of people. I agree no self-help books is really going to help me, though lol. My psychiatrist isn't even helping me too much!

It's hard sorting out of my feelings when I feel so insecure around all kinds of people. Having social phobia doesn't really help me out and it's been pretty bad lately but you are right about the baby steps and I'm trying.

How do you force yourself to do something you're scared of? Should you?

[babyjamesismine]

That's a good question. When we're scared to do things there's usually good reasons for it, so whether or not you should really and truly depends on many things, mostly on what the actual thing is. If once you weigh everything carefully you feel it is something you should do but you're just scared, at that point all you can really do is force yourself to do it. The 'how' depends on what it is...maybe its doing it little by little, maybe its just jumping right into it...it really, really depends. I'm no help. :(

[cliffieluv]

No what you said was good considering the question was pretty much unanswerable. I live so much in my head because I get panic and anxiety attacks when in many social situations so it's hard for me to stop thinking and start acting/feeling and I think that is a lot of my problem. I just have such a hard time forming relationships that I'd rather not even try anymore but that just keeps me isolated with my negative thoughts. I try so hard to help myself...I take medication to help with my moods and with the anxiety and depression and panic attacks and all that but it's like my default setting is a permanent depression which I just can't escape from. And to be honest, I've accepted that. That's my brain. I just feel like I'm drowning more than treading water which is how I usually feel.

[featherweight]

Hey, just thought I'd do a quick post and say that I hope that you can find that happiness you're looking for. I'm sorry that this world has made it difficult for you to openly explore your sexuality. Maybe you're bisexual, gay, whatever. It shouldn't matter, but it often does and I can understand that it must be so difficult to come out so to say. I hope you can find someone to talk to about this and that you will be able to finally be *yourself* (whether you choose to embrace a label or not). And know that you can openly talk about things here and that there will be people to support you through this difficult time.

[cliffieluv]

Thank you for the support. Pretending just hurts too much you know...but making changes is so hard for me....especially dealing with these things that I wish would disappear.

[youfallaway]

Oh, Beks, I'm sorry. I don't really have anything really brilliant or especially comforting to say, I wish that I did. I do have one friend, though, that I've known for years and years - since 7th grade actually, crazy - and I was the first person he ever came out to. I'm not comparing the situations, or labeling you as anything, because I think labels are crap, but I just wanted you to know that you're not alone. That night in his truck, years ago, he was finally able to be honest with himself enough to share something with me that he'd kept inside for as long as he could remember, and that's such a liberating, but also a really, really brave thing. So, know that. It was brave of you to post this, not because there is a single thing wrong with you, or what you're feeling, but because you feel like there is, and you're scared of being judged, and you posted it away. Stay strong, and know that if you ever needed someone to listen or talk to, you have a lot of people on here that would do that for you in a second. You have one for sure

[cliffieluv]

Check your messages Linds!! Thanks so much for commenting. I didn't mean to ignore you!! Promise.

[allegator20]

Beks this is a huge step! Im so proud of you, you have no idea! Just doing this alone means so much and a step in the right direction. There is nothing wrong with the way you feel and it sucks that you feel like it has to be hidden, although i totally understand why you feel like you have to hide it. I just wish people didn't have to judge so that you could feel free.

Love you!

[cliffieluv]

I always wanted to talk to you about it but when so much time goes by and I always kept quiet I felt like I was this huge liar who people would feel uncomfortable around. That's how I feel about telling my other friends too. I feel so stuck and miserable Als. Are you surprised at all? I never know how I'm viewed by other people. Mostly I don't really want to know LOL but I was just wondering. I know I've been so distant but I just started to feel so disconnected from everyone and I regret letting it get that far but you know I retreat into myself as some ridiculous self preservation protection thing. Thank you for your support.