i've decided what i want. but i don't care if i get it or not. cornering myself into a decision is satisfying enough.

i keep having anxiety attacks. nothing like they used to be, but definitely worth honorable mention on any scale. the odd part is that they have nothing to do with me. i keep finding these little ideas about horrible things happening to the people i know in the back of my brain and before i've really thought about all the objectivity vs possibility ( Read more... )

happiness has only to do with how cheerful your livejournal reads.

too many things are horrible, disgusting, painful. but i have a genius of a fake smile now, so everything's fine, right? yes. everything's fine.

you don't know what you're doing. i think about how much we want to respect ourselves and how in spite of the fact, for no good reason, we do nothing about it. it is a very distancing feeling to be sad on someone else's behalf, especially when it has nothing to do with you.

i have no reason to be anything but happy so
i want to preserve this sentiment until it ferments
and makes me drunk and sick again.
solitude and peace and quiet are keeping me alive though, i appreciate them very much.

happiness is not easy ( Read more... )

...oh him, he lost his smile. she did too, but long before she knew it. and they will both die somewhere between here and 2060, if they're lucky. in that time they will both waste themselves trying to find more green paper and better looking faces to see. but the point is they will both waste themselves because they will never understand the ( Read more... )

but i'm not even sad. i just feel very nihilistic.

my life is painted on the asphalt of a parking lot in big white dotted lines and i've been following and following and i keep swearing that the maze leads to something nice but when i stop i keep wanting something else and i keep wishing i were somewhere else because the lights in the lot flicker sometimes and i lose track of how far i've come. i'm ( Read more... )