(Untitled)

[cnaorte]

I haven't updated this thing in forever...Oh well.

Do me a favor, Taylor, and pray for me to die.

Anyways, here's something that I wrote.

Comments

[18bipsout]

Hey, here from _chickenscratch. Mind if I friend you? I liked the prose you posted in your app.

I'll crit this, too, as soon as I finish my homework. Heh.

[cnaorte]

But of course I don't mind befriending you.

I look forward to what you have to say. :)

[crimsontruth]

who did you know with auburn hair when you were 12? (curious)

[cnaorte]

No one. The story is fictitious, but the auburn girl is based off of you. :)

[ki55intherain]

hey! you knew me when we were 12...psh no one my ass!

the poem

[naked_intent]

I'll critique the other part of this post when I have the energy--I just had a little history with the poem, so I address it first ;)

So. Much better!

Honestly, you took the critique and applied it well. I compared this version with the original while checking it against the critique; I think you addressed about everything.

So, critique of this version. Much shorter, I promise.

Butterfly kisses and hopeful wishes is still nice alliteration.

what have i(’ve) done (it) I may or may not have mentioned this before, but it's really easy to tell what you intended... but it doesn't work out too well. I can read this two general way, obviously: 1) what have i done, and 2) i've done it--but that way of reading it means I have to exclude the first two words of the line and that's very disorientating for the reader. Experiment with putting the "i've done it" on another line. It could mean another line below the original, taking out the parantheses in the original, and simply putting "i've done it" (maybe in parantheses, maybe

Re: the poem

[cnaorte]

::big smile

[obsessive24]

Sorry it took me so long to get around to this. My forte is not poetry, so I'm just gonna write some feedback for the short story. Notes as I go along, sorry in advance for the fragmented nature of the critique. This is too long to post in one comment, so one more to follow.

Liked the start. Two-step romance is a very cool description for the eyes.

Did not like the second paragraph much. Leaves crunch soundly seems quite awkward, and leaves emitting cries didn't work for me at all. I liked life from treetops to footsteps, but thought majestic was too strong a word for what it was describing.

Paragraph three typo: should be sore thumb. ;)

I think serenity resonating amongst the trees is a bit descriptive overkill. Resonating doesn't sit well with serenity. I think in some cases, the contradiction may be used to great effect; but here it just seems to sound a bit jarring without any real reason why that should be the case.

I’m not worthy to break the silence that encases us like a child clasping water in the makeshift goblet of her

[obsessive24]

From what I've seen of the girl so far, I don't know if shrill is a good way to describe her laughter. The word has a bad connotation to me, and so far she's been lovely.

For a second I’m pretty sure a deer looked up from grazing somewhere, perhaps to discover the source of where the far-off sound was coming from.
The content confuses me somewhat. How did you know a deer looked up 'somewhere'? For this to work, the deer probably needs to have a more precise location (within sight), otherwise the narrator just ends up sounding eerily omniscient. ;) The structure seems flawed; you're saying "the source of where the sound is coming from", when it should be "the source of the sound [itself]". Does that make sense?

because once I stop running the awkwardness will return, just as your hand will return to your side.
I quite liked this sentence.

Around the tree. Under the limb. Through the spider webs that are nested between long forgotten trees.I definitely liked the sentence fragments. The only reservation I have about this bit is that

[cnaorte]

Thanks! Yes, I definetly agree with you on just about all of those, especially about the repetition of the word "tree"; once you pointed that out it just drove me crazy.

Where else would hair flow from?
Scary question.

I'll work on clarifying the sentence about the dear. It's a little abstract, and not necessarily even needed, so I'll see what I can do.

And about "I’m not worthy to break the silence that encases us like a child clasping water in the makeshift goblet of her hands," the silence is what is encasing us like the little girls hands, and we are the water that is being encased.

Basically it seems like I just need to find a good medium on how descriptive to be. I either don't do enough sometimes, or I try to compensate for that by doing too much. So I'll work on that.

Thanks for taking the time to critique it so much. And no, it was not too harsh at all.