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Computers Are Assholes
Today was trying to reset the password on my Twitter account because I forgot it. Kind of like the same way I forget the names of girls that I desperately want to get with. I'm still not sure why I even have a twitter account in the first place. But I needed to login to help Michael Ian Black in his twitter war against Levar Burton. So when it came ( Read more... ) -
New Year, Same Shit
Since there seems to be such a high demand for it, I might as well write about the new year.* But rather than doing what everyone else does and talk about the new year by actually talking about the past year, I’m going to talk about what is going to happen in the new year ( Read more... ) -
Is That a Basset Hound?
What’s with the word “phones?” Is that Latin? Anyways, I always get phone calls at the most inopportune time possible. Either I am in a deep or hilarious conversation with a friend about marshmallows in jar, playing video games, or my hands are covered in cookie dough, making it impossible for me to answer the phone without covering it in dough. ( Read more... ) -
A Quick Word About Mustaches
I was making my way through the speed bumps, a.k.a pedestrians, at the local Wal-Mart today when I saw what appeared to be a mustachioed man. But after a double take and a triple take, I realized that this was no man, but a woman with a stache that could account for multiple missing babies. Upon seeing this spectacle, I almost ran over an Asian ( Read more... ) -
Stop and Chat
Due in part by the fact that I am far from fat, I really enjoy walking. It gets me from point A to point B in an efficient and cost effective manner. This is my primary use for walking. Occasionally, I will walk to ease my troubled mind or if I am feeling gassy. However my goal is ultimately to get from one place to another. I have found that a ( Read more... ) -
If you are dumb, I will punch you
I had a dream the other night that was too spectacular to be kept to myself. It started out ordinary enough: I was riding in a convertible with some strangers who claimed to be my friends, yelling at old people to “Give something back to society besides Worther’s caramels,” and “To stop stealing all the lucrative Wal-Mart jobs from mexicans.” I ( Read more... ) -
Money Saving Jew Tip #207
Instead of driving around the mall parking lot looking for that perfect spot that is as close as possible to the entrance of JcPenney's, park in the first spot you see upon entering the parking lot. You will save on gas in addition to getting FREE exercise whilst walking to the store. The fat cats down at L.A. Fitness lead you to believe that you ( Read more... ) -
Crazy People Will Kill You
It's a fact: crazy people will kill you if you cross them, or if you do something they don't comprehend, or if you do anything at all ( Read more... ) -
You and everybody you know sucks
First off, I want to apologize to the two people who read this for not updating more frequently. Secondly, get fucked ( Read more... ) -
shit
This post is just a friendly reminder that the keyboard shortcut [Ctrl+Q] will quit some programs and is dangerously close to [Ctrl+A] (the shortcut to "Select All"). So if you happen to be trying to select your two page journal entry encompassing how much grocery baggers and hippies suck and how awesome BLTs are, you might want to play it safe and ( Read more... )