[Fic] All That I Am - 3/12
Title: All That I Am
Author: Coley Merrin
Rating: R
Pairing: Zhou Mi/Kyuhyun
Genre: AU, Romance
Summary: To find a date that Kyuhyun can stomach is impossible - unless they hire one to pretend. But not even the perfect companion can stop years worth of threats, or keep their acting from becoming all too real.
***
Chapter One * Chapter Two * Chapter Three * Chapter Four
***
The morning after the first party he had attended with Kyuhyun felt like some kind of debriefing, as though Zhou Mi was some kind of secret agent downloading information after an important assignment. Eeteuk had called him in with an urgency as though someone were bleeding and it was imperative that he arrive before the world ended. And when he got there, he found Kyuhyun slouched in one of the chairs of Eeteuk’s office. It looked like it was slightly against his will, too, by the sit at your own risk expression he shot Zhou Mi as he came in. Eeteuk was firing at him before he got all the way inside.
“Kyuhyun didn’t have much to say about last night besides the fact that everyone now has the impression that you’re “boinking.” Which is great, I suppose, but not really the level of detail I was hoping for.”
Kyuhyun seemed content to study his own fingernails as Zhou Mi took his seat. The description, which he could hear perfectly in Kyuhyun’s voice, made his face heat against his will. “Well, I didn’t really say much. People were engaging Kyuhyun in conversation, and they were, um. Surprised by our relationship? Or by the fact that we were living together, especially. It seemed like no one really knew how to address it.”
“That’ll change,” Kyuhyun said wryly. “The piranhas are massing as we speak. I’m surprised you made it into the building without being jumped by reporters.”
“I had him driven in,” Eeteuk said primly. “But if you’re wanting a good front, then the two of you should go out together for lunch and really cement it.”
“We can discuss the investor meeting in the process,” Kyuhyun conceded after a moment.
“No. No. I’m not going. Dates don’t include me, not even for you Cho Kyuhyun. You two will have plenty to discuss, like how to get through tomorrow night’s party.”
“I thought I cancelled on that one?”
“I un-cancelled you,” Eeteuk informed him, shuffling papers on his desk. “You need this exposure right now, especially as the conference comes up. The more you go out and appear together now, the less people will take notice later. Plus it’s good practice.”
“Damn it, Eeteuk.”
“You know I’m right. So did you two hold hands or something last night? Tell me.”
Zhou Mi had the impression that he never wanted to argue with Eeteuk while Eeteuk had the option of arguing back at him. If it stumped even Kyuhyun who seemed to do his own thing all the time, then who knew? He’d get railroaded over in nanoseconds. Clearly, since he was sitting where he was. But thankfully Kyuhyun took over.
“Oh, so you know the COO from that Kim shipping magnate? Yeah. He was all smug about us looking like a little kid with a crush together.”
Eeteuk’s eyebrow rose. “What?”
“So Zhou Mi took a clue and kissed me.”
The other eyebrow rose, and Zhou Mi wanted to sink into his chair. Far, far into his chair. Kyuhyun said it with such…condescension. It sounded almost like he had thrown garbage on Kyuhyun instead. A defensive tactic, he theorized. A serial dater had no interest in getting close to people, so he’d push away any potential connections, trivialize any contact. He didn’t think the kiss had been that bad. Probably not his finest, but then again his spine had sure felt like it had been drawn up. He was used to going into uncomfortable situations, but hearing Kyuhyun announce their “relationship” and having to seem attentive and date-like, that had been further out of his comfort zone that he had anticipated. It was acting on a micro-reaction scale, something he was trying to build internal scaffolds to learn. Eeteuk had a point about them being able to get used to each other at small, early gatherings, before having to do anything bigger. Otherwise he was going to have to start calling himself shy, and just give Kyuhyun a little leash to lead him around with. Or maybe Kyuhyun had not thought the kiss was necessary. No bonus for him, then.
“Kissing… Well, that’s a very direct route to it. I kind of wish I’d thought of it. Kyuhyun can be kind of standoffish at times,” he told Zhou Mi.
“Perfectly personable,” Kyuhyun argued.
“That’s great, but I don’t see it. Why don’t you stand up and re-create last night so I can see for myself?”
Kyuhyun was smirking as he stood, mouthing something about practice at him.
“He’s better than a video camera,” Kyuhyun murmured, for Zhou Mi’s ears only, stepping close.
"Kyuhyun, could you loosen up? The way you're standing makes it look like you're trying to keep him from giving you the plague. You said he kissed you?"
Kyuhyun huffed and yanked Zhou Mi closer. "Fine, then let's practice kissing."
It had been a while. But "been awhile" didn't have anything to do with Kyuhyun's face. Or the fact that Kyuhyun had quite a mouth on him. In so many ways. Kyuhyun wouldn’t even meet his eyes, focusing instead on his lips. He tried to imagine that it was someone he really wanted, someone he was passionate about. Someone he wanted to impress, not just job-wise, but physically. The problem was, as his eyes lowered to Kyuhyun’s mouth, and he remembered the brief kiss of the night before, he wasn’t so far off from those feelings for real. Maybe it had just been barely a touch, but that didn’t mean he hadn’t felt it.
Some first kisses were awkward, some were messy, in bad ways. Some went off without a hitch. Not that it was, technically, their first kiss. And yet they had to find a little bit of a different angle at first, but it was like a rock sliding deep into a pond. Easy, too easy, to get lost in Kyuhyun's exploring kiss. At least Kyuhyun was trying. His lips were soft, but the kiss was not, not so much as it was so ridiculously hot. He was beginning to think that was just the way it was with Kyuhyun. Staring at that face did him little good, but kissing him... It never would be a good idea to let Kyuhyun know that Zhou Mi held any form of attraction for him. Of course, they needed to be able to show people that they were together, but that was strictly show. Nothing more. No need to know that there was the possibility for significant realness behind it.
But how couldn't there be, as Kyuhyun teased him with the kiss. The slide of lips, and the weight of Kyuhyun leaning into him. He could taste coffee, bitter on sweet, and heat as he struggled closer. Kyuhyun fought him, but not to get away. The almost snort of frustration against him that had him nipping Kyuhyun’s lip in retaliation. The warmth of Kyuhyun’s skin, he just wanted more. Just a little more. Just…
"Well, I'll just leave you two here, then."
Eeteuk’s voice just managed to trickle through his brain's ecstatic reaction, and Zhou Mi managed to wrench his head away. "What do you mean? I thought we were practicing?"
"We were practicing a few minutes ago. Right now you're just making out."
Zhou Mi realized one of his hands was fisted in the back of Kyuhyun's shirt, and the other cupping the back of his neck. Kyuhyun's hands were no better, grasping Zhou Mi's collar as they had stood, locked together.
Kyuhyun let go so that he could sweep his hair partly off his forehead. "Well, good. If we can fool you then I guess we can fool anyone."
Did Kyuhyun meant to imply that it had all been an act? Completely? That he had responded to Zhou Mi in some desire to prove a point? It made him ill inside, but he realized that if he was going to keep any illusion of doing the same, he had to say something, and quick.
"Yeah, I thought that you'd be applauding us."
They got a skeptical look. "Whatever, guys."
The disbelief made him antsier than anything. If Kyuhyun pushed him away because of it, then he was in trouble. If he even suspected that Zhou Mi had been kissing him with any thought in his head but the job? His quick glance gained him only the knowledge that Kyuhyun was swiping at the corner of his mouth with his hand. Wiping away any evidence of the kiss. How stupid was he, if he believed that Kyuhyun saw it only an act? Maybe a skilled lover could put on that kind of show, and he didn’t mean to malign Kyuhyun’s skill in the slightest, but they had both been engaged, and startled to be pulled out of it. It wasn’t as though they’d need to make out at a party. Not at all.
“I can’t do lunch today. Maybe another time,” Kyuhyun said, pushing Zhou Mi into the hall and shutting Eeteuk’s door behind himself.
He remembered the last of the kisses, when Kyuhyun's mouth against his had been firm, unforgiving. As though it was some kind of uncertain barrier. And he had a terrifying thought.
"You’ve kissed men before, haven’t you?" he asked. Stealing Kyuhyun's first kisses with so little finesse? No, there was no way someone had resisted Kyuhyun this long.
"Of course I have What kind of a loser do you think I am?" Kyuhyun said defiantly, scraping his hair to the side again with an awkward hand.
"Oh." He wasn't going to press the issue when Kyuhyun was looking at him like that. Maybe if he were honest with himself, he wanted to, more than a little, to just kiss Kyuhyun with abandon, like they had started. Maybe the kissing hadn’t been the best idea, because it made him know what he was missing. Surely that wasn't too much to ask. They were together, weren't they? Kyuhyun could wrap his arms around him, and they could just...
"Well?" Kyuhyun interrupted his reverie.
"Sorry..."
A small herd of people exited a meeting down the hall, and Kyuhyun merely shrugged. Another crowd to perform to, he seemed to be saying, forcing Zhou Mi to step forward.
This time, the kiss was not as foreboding, but quicker. Barely more than a moment, but he felt so much more. The lips he had so admired gave, just a little, working with him and not against him. Kyuhyun with the dark eyes and the stubborn chin was....kissing him again. He almost forgot why, lost in the warmth of Kyuhyun's skin, the hand he curled there, at Kyuhyun's neck. Kyuhyun's hand was rather coyly on his chest, holding them apart. He wondered what he'd have to do to make it clutch at him. Until Kyuhyun wasn't just participating but demanding. It wasn't like they had come into this wanting each other. But Zhou Mi was curious by nature. And he had never, ever kissed anyone like Kyuhyun.
***
There wasn’t any option to think of repeating any of the kisses, because Zhou Mi barely saw Kyuhyun over the next day. He came in that night after Zhou Mi was already in bed, left way before he was conscious. The only information he had was what Eeteuk had emailed him, details of the party, the time he should be ready, the time Kyuhyun was supposed to arrive. A few details that Eeteuk thought it pertinent for him to know.
But it didn’t stop him from thinking of it against his will. Even napping it seemed he saw more than he wanted to, Kyuhyun’s darkly fringed eyes looking away. Dismissal, power. The almost helpless glint of humor, Kyuhyun’s whole face moving to try and contain it, looking like all he wanted was to chortle and never stop. He recognized the danger in those thoughts. Focusing on what Kyuhyun looked like and what Kyuhyun sounded like, as a man, wasn’t going to help him do his job. As a person, yes. What humored Kyuhyun, what made him angry, those things he could hold onto in case he had to diffuse a situation. Recognizing the changes in the timbre of his voice, the way moods rolled across his eyes, purely on an objective level. What those eyes looked like, dark and close, focused on his mouth, leaning for a kiss.
He hissed, and pushed the thoughts from him. It was ridiculous to twist himself up in knots when Kyuhyun had probably set it all aside immediately. So maybe he hadn’t dated anyone in a while, and maybe that did make Kyuhyun look more appealing than he should. He could push as much of it out of his head as he could, and rely on his professionalism. If he had that, then he wasn’t even sure what he did have.
He had picked up a second suit, a host of shirts and ties. He wasn’t color blind, so the assistant had more or less given him rein over the ties he’d wanted. Steering away from things that were too stuffy. He wanted to look nice, and not like he had just come from a funeral. Though he called Eeteuk to let him know that he had the clothes, he figured the man knew about it almost before he did. There was a third suit being tailored, subtle pinstripes, and he couldn’t wait to try it on. He did a little wiggle at himself in the mirror, adjusting the vest under his suit jacket. Kyuhyun would have no reason to find fault in his outfit at all. He stared across the closet and wondered what Kyuhyun would be wearing. It was easy to imagine combing that forest of ties, all hung in color blocks, and finding a complimenting shirt and having it ready for Kyuhyun. But it was more than obvious that they didn’t know each other well enough for that yet. For all he knew Kyuhyun would order his hands off of his things. Though it wasn’t like he tried them on, just looked at them.
In the two days since, he had started a locked file on his computer, of notes from the party. If meeting Eeteuk had been a debriefing, then he wanted information of his own to go back to. Who had been there to the best of his knowledge, what they had talked about. His impressions on how they had seen him and Kyuhyun, how close he had stood to Kyuhyun, any physical contact. Because he was a stranger, and new, they had made polite conversation trying to include him. He had been able to deflect much of that to Kyuhyun, as was normal in a couple going out in company known only to one of them. Zhou Mi would gain knowledge over time and be able to hold his own with less internal flailing on his part. He was competent, yes, but his stomach also churned as he tried to hold all the pieces of himself together. Laughing nervously wasn’t what he was being paid for. And he did feel comfortable with people. It was just a delicate balancing act between reality and his job.
But there was a line in Eeteuk’s email that had him particularly taking notice. Of course Eeteuk had warned him to watch after his own safety, but also that of Kyuhyun. ”We’ve been receiving strange notes at the office, and I don’t know if it’s related to the upcoming board meeting or not. It couldn’t hurt to keep an extra eye out this evening.” His eyes slid to the hiding place, where he kept his gun. Eeteuk probably didn’t mean dangerous notes, but who knew, really? With Kyuhyun’s position, anything could be dangerous. It just added to the worry inside him.
He brushed imaginary lint from his jacket as Kyuhyun bustled in, not looking or speaking to him, just disappearing into the bathroom. He came out half naked, unconcerned about it, and into the closet he went.
Forget trying to be pleasant, he was suddenly trying to figure out how to think again. Pounding on his chest in surprise to get his breathing and heart back in alignment. If Kyuhyun was going to do that - oh, he couldn’t think about his skin - then he was going to start having to schedule emergency personal time before each outing. How embarrassing. He tried to think of something gross, falling off a cliff, a nice freezer, being chased by spiders…
“Are you ready?” Kyuhyun asked, making him start. Fully dressed. Fully covered. Tired, still, he thought, tracing Kyuhyun’s face in the two seconds he had after he nodded his agreement. Perhaps they wouldn’t stay long, to give Kyuhyun some time to rest. It worried him, the darkness under those eyes, the gauntness in his cheeks.
“Did you eat?” he asked before he could stop himself.
“I thought we were eating there.”
Maybe tiny finger foods, but nothing like the meal that Kyuhyun clearly needed. He dropped the subject, though it still seethed inside him. Wondering how he could get Kyuhyun to eat at all. Perhaps he and Eeteuk would have to meet about it, he pondered on the drive over. Though that seemed ridiculous. He could figure out how to get a grown man to eat. It honestly couldn’t be that hard.
“Ready for the rat race?” Kyuhyun asked as they prepared to enter.
“As I ever will be,” Zhou Mi told him.
All he had to do was watch Kyuhyun’s cues, keep calm and quiet. Not spill anything on himself. Maybe, just maybe, he could get Kyuhyun to laugh again. He tried to breath slow, but the tension creeped up the back of his neck anyway.
Kyuhyun reached, hooking two of his fingers through Zhou Mi’s to lead him in. It was all a show. An act. It meant nothing, like air kisses between acquaintances. But as curious faces turned their way, and their hosts came to meet them, it still comforted him.
***
They had been there no more than an hour when, for the first time, he had gotten waylaid away from Kyuhyun. He watched as Kyuhyun was led away for some kind of business chatter in a corner, a drink in his hand, and smiled at the people standing with him.
“It’s so lovely to meet you,” one of the women said, touching his arm. “Kyuhyun is so closed-mouthed about his private life. We had no idea he’d met someone.”
“He wouldn’t be Kyuhyun otherwise,” Zhou Mi murmured.
“He always rattles around these things like a caged tiger, even if he has a date. You seem to settle him a little. The girls I know who’ve dated him say he’s not very genial, but you seem to get along well.”
Why use a teaspoon to dig for information, if one could use a shovel? He could almost feel the twinge as eyes bored into him looking for information and dirt.
“We’re quite compatible,” he agreed. “It’s fascinating to hear him talk about his business.”
And if that was stretching the truth a little far, he figured the listeners would just chalk it up to him being enamored of the man.
“And that house is so big and gorgeous. You must love living there.”
He prayed for Kyuhyun to come back before he was asked what they did in bed.
"You two haven't been together very long, have you?"
"Long enough," Zhou Mi said as Kyuhyun drifted to a stop beside him. "Isn't that right, Kyuhyun?"
"Hm?"
He repeated the question and got a blank stare in return, and in the subsequent moment of silence, another question was being asked. Whatever they had said or hadn’t said had apparently satisfied.
"Must be hard being out in public, having to be good and hands off,” she commented.
"I think we do all right," Zhou Mi demurred. "Most of the time. How much alcohol was in that punch?"
Kyuhyun's eyes were not as focused as he might like. Too much alcohol and on an empty stomach while tired. Kyuhyun had probably been trying to supplement his lack of food with the sweet liquid, not even noticing how much alcohol it had in it.
"Oh, was he drinking that? It's pretty spiked."
"I just had a few glasses," Kyuhyun said. "Hands off? Zhou Mi? He's not even hands on at-"
Kyuhyun seemed startled and perplexed at the fingers that were suddenly over his mouth. "I don't think you need to share that," Zhou Mi said softly, smiling as though he was stopping a fond idiot. If Kyuhyun wanted to enlighten them of what they didn't do at home, then that would start to sound a little suspicious. There was only so much Zhou Mi could do to soften it, and Kyuhyun's tipsy state was only part of an explanation. But Kyuhyun wasn't having being silenced.
He hissed as Kyuhyun's teeth came far too close to latching onto his fingers. "Stop..."
"You stop! This is just how he..."
He felt the end of the sentence, his lips against Kyuhyun's. His eyes had been open to make sure he caught Kyuhyun's mouth and not his chin or nose, and things were blurry and weird, and for a second wondered if he wasn't really the one who had been drinking. His eyes dropped closed with Kyuhyun's, in some kind of triumph. All he had to do was distract Kyuhyun from saying whatever stupid thing had been ready to fall out of his mouth. And it was true that Kyuhyun had a mouth made for sin, he had traced it with his eyes more than once. And they’d had those few practice kisses. But not like this. Not when Kyuhyun's body was liquid, hot, melded to him, a drunkenly thrown arm all but smushing them together. And it wasn't like he was innocent. His hand on Kyuhyun's hip, the other that came to rest somewhere between his shoulder blades. And Kyuhyun's kiss, not orchestrated or planned. Not one ounce of restraint, just giving and giving. He had had no idea it would feel that good. Maybe he had only dreamed it would.
Someone laughed loudly to his left, and he jerked back with a start. Staring at Kyuhyun's closed eyes and wet lips. Five seconds of that. Not enough.
"I guess you showed us," one of the men behind Kyuhyun said, winking at his companion.
"Yes, he's... Yes." He straightened his shirt and got Kyuhyun alert and focused on him with a small shake. “Kyuhyun, we have to get going home so you can rest."
"But..."
He stole another kiss for show, and because he wanted it. He really wanted it. He was so stupid.
"I'll get both your coats," their hostess offered. “You take care of him, okay?”
Thankfully Kyuhyun's combative edge had faded, and he got himself into his coat, making mostly polite goodbyes as Zhou Mi kept a firm hand on his arm. Just in case he had to quiet him again.
And he opened Kyuhyun's car door for him, Kyuhyun sliding down into the bucket seat without a word of thanks. On the pretense of helping with Kyuhyun's seatbelt, he half leaned into the car. And squishing Kyuhyun's cheeks between his thumb and forefinger, he whispered loudly, "Cho Kyuhyun, you are never drinking in public ever again."
All Kyuhyun did was roll his eyes and settle back with a sigh.
Zhou Mi hurried to the other side before Kyuhyun got some harebrained idea to flick the locks down, which would be embarrassing. Even if he had the key. But they made it out of the driveway without mishap, and Zhou Mi finally, finally began to relax. He called the house and asked for soup to be put on, dragging the floppy man onto his feet.
“I’m not drunk,” Kyuhyun protested, and walked fairly steadily into the house. “You embarrassed me in front of everyone.”
“You almost said something you shouldn’t have!” Zhou Mi argued, guiding Kyuhyun to the table. He undid Kyuhyun’s tie, getting tepid tea into his hands as the soup was brought out.
“I don’t want it.”
“Eat it anyway, or you’ll hate yourself tomorrow.”
“And that’s different than today?”
He drank his soup quickly, watching as Kyuhyun got down most of his.
His eyes looked like marbles, he was so tired, so out of it.
“Come on,” he said gently, getting Kyuhyun to his feet.
All the skin he’d seen before, he saw again. Taking down Kyuhyun’s pants, undoing his shirt. Pulling off his socks as Kyuhyun sank back into the turned-down covers. Zhou Mi pulled them up, covering him, and Kyuhyun caught his wrist.
“Why are you doing this?” he asked, voice slightly slurred.
“Because you won’t do it for yourself,” he said. He indulged himself, petting back a lock of Kyuhyun’s hair and standing, waiting for sleep to take him over. It did, with astonishing quickness. Almost before Kyuhyun’s eyes had closed. It was ten at night, and Kyuhyun had passed out.
He tidied Kyuhyun’s suit on a hanger, and called Eeteuk.
“What does he have tomorrow that he can reschedule?” he asked. “He needs a break. I know you told me that, but tonight… He hadn’t eaten, and almost got falling-down drunk because of that. He nearly said something to give us away.”
That was the important part, beyond Kyuhyun’s health. The game between them had barely begun, and to give it up accidentally?
“He has a meeting with finance, but I can put that off. Take his cell phone and the alarm clock out of the room, and just let him sleep until he wakes up, okay? Take the morning with him, if he’ll let you. Take him shopping. Oh. Tell him it was my idea. You two didn’t get that lunch, so you can go find some casual shirts, and get something to eat. I’ll make sure everything’s ready for him when he gets here.”
“Will he be angry?”
“Well, he’ll be angry and rested. Thank you, Zhou Mi. You’re really doing better than I’d hoped.”
“I hope he thinks so too,” Zhou Mi said, and said good night. A long shower, staring at himself in the mirror. He knew the face staring back at him, but he wasn’t sure where he was. In physical place, yes. But Kyuhyun had surprised him again. Too many kisses, not enough mental fortitude. It was good that Kyuhyun wasn’t actively pursuing him. A few kisses, and he was folding like a house of cards. It wasn’t real, and that was the thing he had to remember. Even if Kyuhyun kissed him, it wasn’t because he was wanted. It was because Zhou Mi was there, and pretending. And it was probably beyond anyone really not to take advantage. Just as long as Zhou Mi didn’t lose sight of that.
***
Angry was not quite the word for it, when Kyuhyun woke at 8AM, disoriented, uncurling himself in the bed. His hair had seen a hurricane in the night, apparently, as he stared blearily at Zhou Mi.
“Why are you awake? What time is it?”
Zhou Mi stood, speaking into the intercom before turning back to Kyuhyun. “You slept in. Eeteuk changed your morning meetings so you could get some rest. They’re sending in some breakfast now, so you can eat.”
“Whose side are you on?” Kyuhyun demanded. “I’m the one who’s paying you. Why is Eeteuk-”
“I’m on your side.” He tried to keep his back straight. “But you didn’t see you at the party last night. If you’d drank any more, I’d have had to carry you out. And you were trying to say things that would make people not believe us.”
Kyuhyun stared at him, seconds stretching long, before dropping to examine his hands. “I don’t remember that.”
“I’m not surprised. You needed a good night’s sleep. And Eeteuk says-”
“Eeteuk, Eeteuk, Eeteuk,” Kyuhyun muttered.
Zhou Mi took the breakfast tray at the door, thanking the maid, and carried it to Kyuhyun. He laid out Eeteuk’s little shopping-and-lunch plan while getting the food in Kyuhyun’s lap.
“Some of this is yours?” Kyuhyun asked, taking in the food in front of him.
“No. I ate some already.”
Kyuhyun’s eyes flicked up his arm before settling at his face. “You could stand some weight, too.”
“You can’t order me to eat,” he teased, and retreated so that Kyuhyun didn’t think he was hovering. Even if the first thing Kyuhyun did start with was coffee and the newspaper.
"It's weird, I almost remember us making out at that party last night."
Zhou Mi shifted in his seat. "We did sort of."
Kyuhyun glanced up from the paper. "What?"
"We did. We did make out. You were tipsy and teasing, and..." He waved his hand helplessly.
"And you took advantage of me?"
"It wasn't like that! I had to find some way to make you be quiet."
"Since I don't remember very clearly, apparently it was like that! Do we have to see any of those people again?"
"Routinely," Zhou Mi said with possibly a little relish, since it seemed Kyuhyun was uncomfortable. Trying to blame him for Kyuhyun’s drunken ramblings.
"Fantastic."
"Well, just think. If we never even look at each other again, all they will see is us locked together, so I guess we did all the convincing that we needed."
Kyuhyun rubbed his elbow, but when he looked up he was no longer angry, or even resigned. Just accepting. And there was a spark to his eyes that hadn’t been there the last couple of days. A clear head, food, rest. It did wonders for anyone.
“And Eeteuk wants us to go shopping?”
Zhou Mi just smiled.
***
Author: Coley Merrin
Rating: R
Pairing: Zhou Mi/Kyuhyun
Genre: AU, Romance
Summary: To find a date that Kyuhyun can stomach is impossible - unless they hire one to pretend. But not even the perfect companion can stop years worth of threats, or keep their acting from becoming all too real.
***
Chapter One * Chapter Two * Chapter Three * Chapter Four
***
The morning after the first party he had attended with Kyuhyun felt like some kind of debriefing, as though Zhou Mi was some kind of secret agent downloading information after an important assignment. Eeteuk had called him in with an urgency as though someone were bleeding and it was imperative that he arrive before the world ended. And when he got there, he found Kyuhyun slouched in one of the chairs of Eeteuk’s office. It looked like it was slightly against his will, too, by the sit at your own risk expression he shot Zhou Mi as he came in. Eeteuk was firing at him before he got all the way inside.
“Kyuhyun didn’t have much to say about last night besides the fact that everyone now has the impression that you’re “boinking.” Which is great, I suppose, but not really the level of detail I was hoping for.”
Kyuhyun seemed content to study his own fingernails as Zhou Mi took his seat. The description, which he could hear perfectly in Kyuhyun’s voice, made his face heat against his will. “Well, I didn’t really say much. People were engaging Kyuhyun in conversation, and they were, um. Surprised by our relationship? Or by the fact that we were living together, especially. It seemed like no one really knew how to address it.”
“That’ll change,” Kyuhyun said wryly. “The piranhas are massing as we speak. I’m surprised you made it into the building without being jumped by reporters.”
“I had him driven in,” Eeteuk said primly. “But if you’re wanting a good front, then the two of you should go out together for lunch and really cement it.”
“We can discuss the investor meeting in the process,” Kyuhyun conceded after a moment.
“No. No. I’m not going. Dates don’t include me, not even for you Cho Kyuhyun. You two will have plenty to discuss, like how to get through tomorrow night’s party.”
“I thought I cancelled on that one?”
“I un-cancelled you,” Eeteuk informed him, shuffling papers on his desk. “You need this exposure right now, especially as the conference comes up. The more you go out and appear together now, the less people will take notice later. Plus it’s good practice.”
“Damn it, Eeteuk.”
“You know I’m right. So did you two hold hands or something last night? Tell me.”
Zhou Mi had the impression that he never wanted to argue with Eeteuk while Eeteuk had the option of arguing back at him. If it stumped even Kyuhyun who seemed to do his own thing all the time, then who knew? He’d get railroaded over in nanoseconds. Clearly, since he was sitting where he was. But thankfully Kyuhyun took over.
“Oh, so you know the COO from that Kim shipping magnate? Yeah. He was all smug about us looking like a little kid with a crush together.”
Eeteuk’s eyebrow rose. “What?”
“So Zhou Mi took a clue and kissed me.”
The other eyebrow rose, and Zhou Mi wanted to sink into his chair. Far, far into his chair. Kyuhyun said it with such…condescension. It sounded almost like he had thrown garbage on Kyuhyun instead. A defensive tactic, he theorized. A serial dater had no interest in getting close to people, so he’d push away any potential connections, trivialize any contact. He didn’t think the kiss had been that bad. Probably not his finest, but then again his spine had sure felt like it had been drawn up. He was used to going into uncomfortable situations, but hearing Kyuhyun announce their “relationship” and having to seem attentive and date-like, that had been further out of his comfort zone that he had anticipated. It was acting on a micro-reaction scale, something he was trying to build internal scaffolds to learn. Eeteuk had a point about them being able to get used to each other at small, early gatherings, before having to do anything bigger. Otherwise he was going to have to start calling himself shy, and just give Kyuhyun a little leash to lead him around with. Or maybe Kyuhyun had not thought the kiss was necessary. No bonus for him, then.
“Kissing… Well, that’s a very direct route to it. I kind of wish I’d thought of it. Kyuhyun can be kind of standoffish at times,” he told Zhou Mi.
“Perfectly personable,” Kyuhyun argued.
“That’s great, but I don’t see it. Why don’t you stand up and re-create last night so I can see for myself?”
Kyuhyun was smirking as he stood, mouthing something about practice at him.
“He’s better than a video camera,” Kyuhyun murmured, for Zhou Mi’s ears only, stepping close.
"Kyuhyun, could you loosen up? The way you're standing makes it look like you're trying to keep him from giving you the plague. You said he kissed you?"
Kyuhyun huffed and yanked Zhou Mi closer. "Fine, then let's practice kissing."
It had been a while. But "been awhile" didn't have anything to do with Kyuhyun's face. Or the fact that Kyuhyun had quite a mouth on him. In so many ways. Kyuhyun wouldn’t even meet his eyes, focusing instead on his lips. He tried to imagine that it was someone he really wanted, someone he was passionate about. Someone he wanted to impress, not just job-wise, but physically. The problem was, as his eyes lowered to Kyuhyun’s mouth, and he remembered the brief kiss of the night before, he wasn’t so far off from those feelings for real. Maybe it had just been barely a touch, but that didn’t mean he hadn’t felt it.
Some first kisses were awkward, some were messy, in bad ways. Some went off without a hitch. Not that it was, technically, their first kiss. And yet they had to find a little bit of a different angle at first, but it was like a rock sliding deep into a pond. Easy, too easy, to get lost in Kyuhyun's exploring kiss. At least Kyuhyun was trying. His lips were soft, but the kiss was not, not so much as it was so ridiculously hot. He was beginning to think that was just the way it was with Kyuhyun. Staring at that face did him little good, but kissing him... It never would be a good idea to let Kyuhyun know that Zhou Mi held any form of attraction for him. Of course, they needed to be able to show people that they were together, but that was strictly show. Nothing more. No need to know that there was the possibility for significant realness behind it.
But how couldn't there be, as Kyuhyun teased him with the kiss. The slide of lips, and the weight of Kyuhyun leaning into him. He could taste coffee, bitter on sweet, and heat as he struggled closer. Kyuhyun fought him, but not to get away. The almost snort of frustration against him that had him nipping Kyuhyun’s lip in retaliation. The warmth of Kyuhyun’s skin, he just wanted more. Just a little more. Just…
"Well, I'll just leave you two here, then."
Eeteuk’s voice just managed to trickle through his brain's ecstatic reaction, and Zhou Mi managed to wrench his head away. "What do you mean? I thought we were practicing?"
"We were practicing a few minutes ago. Right now you're just making out."
Zhou Mi realized one of his hands was fisted in the back of Kyuhyun's shirt, and the other cupping the back of his neck. Kyuhyun's hands were no better, grasping Zhou Mi's collar as they had stood, locked together.
Kyuhyun let go so that he could sweep his hair partly off his forehead. "Well, good. If we can fool you then I guess we can fool anyone."
Did Kyuhyun meant to imply that it had all been an act? Completely? That he had responded to Zhou Mi in some desire to prove a point? It made him ill inside, but he realized that if he was going to keep any illusion of doing the same, he had to say something, and quick.
"Yeah, I thought that you'd be applauding us."
They got a skeptical look. "Whatever, guys."
The disbelief made him antsier than anything. If Kyuhyun pushed him away because of it, then he was in trouble. If he even suspected that Zhou Mi had been kissing him with any thought in his head but the job? His quick glance gained him only the knowledge that Kyuhyun was swiping at the corner of his mouth with his hand. Wiping away any evidence of the kiss. How stupid was he, if he believed that Kyuhyun saw it only an act? Maybe a skilled lover could put on that kind of show, and he didn’t mean to malign Kyuhyun’s skill in the slightest, but they had both been engaged, and startled to be pulled out of it. It wasn’t as though they’d need to make out at a party. Not at all.
“I can’t do lunch today. Maybe another time,” Kyuhyun said, pushing Zhou Mi into the hall and shutting Eeteuk’s door behind himself.
He remembered the last of the kisses, when Kyuhyun's mouth against his had been firm, unforgiving. As though it was some kind of uncertain barrier. And he had a terrifying thought.
"You’ve kissed men before, haven’t you?" he asked. Stealing Kyuhyun's first kisses with so little finesse? No, there was no way someone had resisted Kyuhyun this long.
"Of course I have What kind of a loser do you think I am?" Kyuhyun said defiantly, scraping his hair to the side again with an awkward hand.
"Oh." He wasn't going to press the issue when Kyuhyun was looking at him like that. Maybe if he were honest with himself, he wanted to, more than a little, to just kiss Kyuhyun with abandon, like they had started. Maybe the kissing hadn’t been the best idea, because it made him know what he was missing. Surely that wasn't too much to ask. They were together, weren't they? Kyuhyun could wrap his arms around him, and they could just...
"Well?" Kyuhyun interrupted his reverie.
"Sorry..."
A small herd of people exited a meeting down the hall, and Kyuhyun merely shrugged. Another crowd to perform to, he seemed to be saying, forcing Zhou Mi to step forward.
This time, the kiss was not as foreboding, but quicker. Barely more than a moment, but he felt so much more. The lips he had so admired gave, just a little, working with him and not against him. Kyuhyun with the dark eyes and the stubborn chin was....kissing him again. He almost forgot why, lost in the warmth of Kyuhyun's skin, the hand he curled there, at Kyuhyun's neck. Kyuhyun's hand was rather coyly on his chest, holding them apart. He wondered what he'd have to do to make it clutch at him. Until Kyuhyun wasn't just participating but demanding. It wasn't like they had come into this wanting each other. But Zhou Mi was curious by nature. And he had never, ever kissed anyone like Kyuhyun.
***
There wasn’t any option to think of repeating any of the kisses, because Zhou Mi barely saw Kyuhyun over the next day. He came in that night after Zhou Mi was already in bed, left way before he was conscious. The only information he had was what Eeteuk had emailed him, details of the party, the time he should be ready, the time Kyuhyun was supposed to arrive. A few details that Eeteuk thought it pertinent for him to know.
But it didn’t stop him from thinking of it against his will. Even napping it seemed he saw more than he wanted to, Kyuhyun’s darkly fringed eyes looking away. Dismissal, power. The almost helpless glint of humor, Kyuhyun’s whole face moving to try and contain it, looking like all he wanted was to chortle and never stop. He recognized the danger in those thoughts. Focusing on what Kyuhyun looked like and what Kyuhyun sounded like, as a man, wasn’t going to help him do his job. As a person, yes. What humored Kyuhyun, what made him angry, those things he could hold onto in case he had to diffuse a situation. Recognizing the changes in the timbre of his voice, the way moods rolled across his eyes, purely on an objective level. What those eyes looked like, dark and close, focused on his mouth, leaning for a kiss.
He hissed, and pushed the thoughts from him. It was ridiculous to twist himself up in knots when Kyuhyun had probably set it all aside immediately. So maybe he hadn’t dated anyone in a while, and maybe that did make Kyuhyun look more appealing than he should. He could push as much of it out of his head as he could, and rely on his professionalism. If he had that, then he wasn’t even sure what he did have.
He had picked up a second suit, a host of shirts and ties. He wasn’t color blind, so the assistant had more or less given him rein over the ties he’d wanted. Steering away from things that were too stuffy. He wanted to look nice, and not like he had just come from a funeral. Though he called Eeteuk to let him know that he had the clothes, he figured the man knew about it almost before he did. There was a third suit being tailored, subtle pinstripes, and he couldn’t wait to try it on. He did a little wiggle at himself in the mirror, adjusting the vest under his suit jacket. Kyuhyun would have no reason to find fault in his outfit at all. He stared across the closet and wondered what Kyuhyun would be wearing. It was easy to imagine combing that forest of ties, all hung in color blocks, and finding a complimenting shirt and having it ready for Kyuhyun. But it was more than obvious that they didn’t know each other well enough for that yet. For all he knew Kyuhyun would order his hands off of his things. Though it wasn’t like he tried them on, just looked at them.
In the two days since, he had started a locked file on his computer, of notes from the party. If meeting Eeteuk had been a debriefing, then he wanted information of his own to go back to. Who had been there to the best of his knowledge, what they had talked about. His impressions on how they had seen him and Kyuhyun, how close he had stood to Kyuhyun, any physical contact. Because he was a stranger, and new, they had made polite conversation trying to include him. He had been able to deflect much of that to Kyuhyun, as was normal in a couple going out in company known only to one of them. Zhou Mi would gain knowledge over time and be able to hold his own with less internal flailing on his part. He was competent, yes, but his stomach also churned as he tried to hold all the pieces of himself together. Laughing nervously wasn’t what he was being paid for. And he did feel comfortable with people. It was just a delicate balancing act between reality and his job.
But there was a line in Eeteuk’s email that had him particularly taking notice. Of course Eeteuk had warned him to watch after his own safety, but also that of Kyuhyun. ”We’ve been receiving strange notes at the office, and I don’t know if it’s related to the upcoming board meeting or not. It couldn’t hurt to keep an extra eye out this evening.” His eyes slid to the hiding place, where he kept his gun. Eeteuk probably didn’t mean dangerous notes, but who knew, really? With Kyuhyun’s position, anything could be dangerous. It just added to the worry inside him.
He brushed imaginary lint from his jacket as Kyuhyun bustled in, not looking or speaking to him, just disappearing into the bathroom. He came out half naked, unconcerned about it, and into the closet he went.
Forget trying to be pleasant, he was suddenly trying to figure out how to think again. Pounding on his chest in surprise to get his breathing and heart back in alignment. If Kyuhyun was going to do that - oh, he couldn’t think about his skin - then he was going to start having to schedule emergency personal time before each outing. How embarrassing. He tried to think of something gross, falling off a cliff, a nice freezer, being chased by spiders…
“Are you ready?” Kyuhyun asked, making him start. Fully dressed. Fully covered. Tired, still, he thought, tracing Kyuhyun’s face in the two seconds he had after he nodded his agreement. Perhaps they wouldn’t stay long, to give Kyuhyun some time to rest. It worried him, the darkness under those eyes, the gauntness in his cheeks.
“Did you eat?” he asked before he could stop himself.
“I thought we were eating there.”
Maybe tiny finger foods, but nothing like the meal that Kyuhyun clearly needed. He dropped the subject, though it still seethed inside him. Wondering how he could get Kyuhyun to eat at all. Perhaps he and Eeteuk would have to meet about it, he pondered on the drive over. Though that seemed ridiculous. He could figure out how to get a grown man to eat. It honestly couldn’t be that hard.
“Ready for the rat race?” Kyuhyun asked as they prepared to enter.
“As I ever will be,” Zhou Mi told him.
All he had to do was watch Kyuhyun’s cues, keep calm and quiet. Not spill anything on himself. Maybe, just maybe, he could get Kyuhyun to laugh again. He tried to breath slow, but the tension creeped up the back of his neck anyway.
Kyuhyun reached, hooking two of his fingers through Zhou Mi’s to lead him in. It was all a show. An act. It meant nothing, like air kisses between acquaintances. But as curious faces turned their way, and their hosts came to meet them, it still comforted him.
***
They had been there no more than an hour when, for the first time, he had gotten waylaid away from Kyuhyun. He watched as Kyuhyun was led away for some kind of business chatter in a corner, a drink in his hand, and smiled at the people standing with him.
“It’s so lovely to meet you,” one of the women said, touching his arm. “Kyuhyun is so closed-mouthed about his private life. We had no idea he’d met someone.”
“He wouldn’t be Kyuhyun otherwise,” Zhou Mi murmured.
“He always rattles around these things like a caged tiger, even if he has a date. You seem to settle him a little. The girls I know who’ve dated him say he’s not very genial, but you seem to get along well.”
Why use a teaspoon to dig for information, if one could use a shovel? He could almost feel the twinge as eyes bored into him looking for information and dirt.
“We’re quite compatible,” he agreed. “It’s fascinating to hear him talk about his business.”
And if that was stretching the truth a little far, he figured the listeners would just chalk it up to him being enamored of the man.
“And that house is so big and gorgeous. You must love living there.”
He prayed for Kyuhyun to come back before he was asked what they did in bed.
"You two haven't been together very long, have you?"
"Long enough," Zhou Mi said as Kyuhyun drifted to a stop beside him. "Isn't that right, Kyuhyun?"
"Hm?"
He repeated the question and got a blank stare in return, and in the subsequent moment of silence, another question was being asked. Whatever they had said or hadn’t said had apparently satisfied.
"Must be hard being out in public, having to be good and hands off,” she commented.
"I think we do all right," Zhou Mi demurred. "Most of the time. How much alcohol was in that punch?"
Kyuhyun's eyes were not as focused as he might like. Too much alcohol and on an empty stomach while tired. Kyuhyun had probably been trying to supplement his lack of food with the sweet liquid, not even noticing how much alcohol it had in it.
"Oh, was he drinking that? It's pretty spiked."
"I just had a few glasses," Kyuhyun said. "Hands off? Zhou Mi? He's not even hands on at-"
Kyuhyun seemed startled and perplexed at the fingers that were suddenly over his mouth. "I don't think you need to share that," Zhou Mi said softly, smiling as though he was stopping a fond idiot. If Kyuhyun wanted to enlighten them of what they didn't do at home, then that would start to sound a little suspicious. There was only so much Zhou Mi could do to soften it, and Kyuhyun's tipsy state was only part of an explanation. But Kyuhyun wasn't having being silenced.
He hissed as Kyuhyun's teeth came far too close to latching onto his fingers. "Stop..."
"You stop! This is just how he..."
He felt the end of the sentence, his lips against Kyuhyun's. His eyes had been open to make sure he caught Kyuhyun's mouth and not his chin or nose, and things were blurry and weird, and for a second wondered if he wasn't really the one who had been drinking. His eyes dropped closed with Kyuhyun's, in some kind of triumph. All he had to do was distract Kyuhyun from saying whatever stupid thing had been ready to fall out of his mouth. And it was true that Kyuhyun had a mouth made for sin, he had traced it with his eyes more than once. And they’d had those few practice kisses. But not like this. Not when Kyuhyun's body was liquid, hot, melded to him, a drunkenly thrown arm all but smushing them together. And it wasn't like he was innocent. His hand on Kyuhyun's hip, the other that came to rest somewhere between his shoulder blades. And Kyuhyun's kiss, not orchestrated or planned. Not one ounce of restraint, just giving and giving. He had had no idea it would feel that good. Maybe he had only dreamed it would.
Someone laughed loudly to his left, and he jerked back with a start. Staring at Kyuhyun's closed eyes and wet lips. Five seconds of that. Not enough.
"I guess you showed us," one of the men behind Kyuhyun said, winking at his companion.
"Yes, he's... Yes." He straightened his shirt and got Kyuhyun alert and focused on him with a small shake. “Kyuhyun, we have to get going home so you can rest."
"But..."
He stole another kiss for show, and because he wanted it. He really wanted it. He was so stupid.
"I'll get both your coats," their hostess offered. “You take care of him, okay?”
Thankfully Kyuhyun's combative edge had faded, and he got himself into his coat, making mostly polite goodbyes as Zhou Mi kept a firm hand on his arm. Just in case he had to quiet him again.
And he opened Kyuhyun's car door for him, Kyuhyun sliding down into the bucket seat without a word of thanks. On the pretense of helping with Kyuhyun's seatbelt, he half leaned into the car. And squishing Kyuhyun's cheeks between his thumb and forefinger, he whispered loudly, "Cho Kyuhyun, you are never drinking in public ever again."
All Kyuhyun did was roll his eyes and settle back with a sigh.
Zhou Mi hurried to the other side before Kyuhyun got some harebrained idea to flick the locks down, which would be embarrassing. Even if he had the key. But they made it out of the driveway without mishap, and Zhou Mi finally, finally began to relax. He called the house and asked for soup to be put on, dragging the floppy man onto his feet.
“I’m not drunk,” Kyuhyun protested, and walked fairly steadily into the house. “You embarrassed me in front of everyone.”
“You almost said something you shouldn’t have!” Zhou Mi argued, guiding Kyuhyun to the table. He undid Kyuhyun’s tie, getting tepid tea into his hands as the soup was brought out.
“I don’t want it.”
“Eat it anyway, or you’ll hate yourself tomorrow.”
“And that’s different than today?”
He drank his soup quickly, watching as Kyuhyun got down most of his.
His eyes looked like marbles, he was so tired, so out of it.
“Come on,” he said gently, getting Kyuhyun to his feet.
All the skin he’d seen before, he saw again. Taking down Kyuhyun’s pants, undoing his shirt. Pulling off his socks as Kyuhyun sank back into the turned-down covers. Zhou Mi pulled them up, covering him, and Kyuhyun caught his wrist.
“Why are you doing this?” he asked, voice slightly slurred.
“Because you won’t do it for yourself,” he said. He indulged himself, petting back a lock of Kyuhyun’s hair and standing, waiting for sleep to take him over. It did, with astonishing quickness. Almost before Kyuhyun’s eyes had closed. It was ten at night, and Kyuhyun had passed out.
He tidied Kyuhyun’s suit on a hanger, and called Eeteuk.
“What does he have tomorrow that he can reschedule?” he asked. “He needs a break. I know you told me that, but tonight… He hadn’t eaten, and almost got falling-down drunk because of that. He nearly said something to give us away.”
That was the important part, beyond Kyuhyun’s health. The game between them had barely begun, and to give it up accidentally?
“He has a meeting with finance, but I can put that off. Take his cell phone and the alarm clock out of the room, and just let him sleep until he wakes up, okay? Take the morning with him, if he’ll let you. Take him shopping. Oh. Tell him it was my idea. You two didn’t get that lunch, so you can go find some casual shirts, and get something to eat. I’ll make sure everything’s ready for him when he gets here.”
“Will he be angry?”
“Well, he’ll be angry and rested. Thank you, Zhou Mi. You’re really doing better than I’d hoped.”
“I hope he thinks so too,” Zhou Mi said, and said good night. A long shower, staring at himself in the mirror. He knew the face staring back at him, but he wasn’t sure where he was. In physical place, yes. But Kyuhyun had surprised him again. Too many kisses, not enough mental fortitude. It was good that Kyuhyun wasn’t actively pursuing him. A few kisses, and he was folding like a house of cards. It wasn’t real, and that was the thing he had to remember. Even if Kyuhyun kissed him, it wasn’t because he was wanted. It was because Zhou Mi was there, and pretending. And it was probably beyond anyone really not to take advantage. Just as long as Zhou Mi didn’t lose sight of that.
***
Angry was not quite the word for it, when Kyuhyun woke at 8AM, disoriented, uncurling himself in the bed. His hair had seen a hurricane in the night, apparently, as he stared blearily at Zhou Mi.
“Why are you awake? What time is it?”
Zhou Mi stood, speaking into the intercom before turning back to Kyuhyun. “You slept in. Eeteuk changed your morning meetings so you could get some rest. They’re sending in some breakfast now, so you can eat.”
“Whose side are you on?” Kyuhyun demanded. “I’m the one who’s paying you. Why is Eeteuk-”
“I’m on your side.” He tried to keep his back straight. “But you didn’t see you at the party last night. If you’d drank any more, I’d have had to carry you out. And you were trying to say things that would make people not believe us.”
Kyuhyun stared at him, seconds stretching long, before dropping to examine his hands. “I don’t remember that.”
“I’m not surprised. You needed a good night’s sleep. And Eeteuk says-”
“Eeteuk, Eeteuk, Eeteuk,” Kyuhyun muttered.
Zhou Mi took the breakfast tray at the door, thanking the maid, and carried it to Kyuhyun. He laid out Eeteuk’s little shopping-and-lunch plan while getting the food in Kyuhyun’s lap.
“Some of this is yours?” Kyuhyun asked, taking in the food in front of him.
“No. I ate some already.”
Kyuhyun’s eyes flicked up his arm before settling at his face. “You could stand some weight, too.”
“You can’t order me to eat,” he teased, and retreated so that Kyuhyun didn’t think he was hovering. Even if the first thing Kyuhyun did start with was coffee and the newspaper.
"It's weird, I almost remember us making out at that party last night."
Zhou Mi shifted in his seat. "We did sort of."
Kyuhyun glanced up from the paper. "What?"
"We did. We did make out. You were tipsy and teasing, and..." He waved his hand helplessly.
"And you took advantage of me?"
"It wasn't like that! I had to find some way to make you be quiet."
"Since I don't remember very clearly, apparently it was like that! Do we have to see any of those people again?"
"Routinely," Zhou Mi said with possibly a little relish, since it seemed Kyuhyun was uncomfortable. Trying to blame him for Kyuhyun’s drunken ramblings.
"Fantastic."
"Well, just think. If we never even look at each other again, all they will see is us locked together, so I guess we did all the convincing that we needed."
Kyuhyun rubbed his elbow, but when he looked up he was no longer angry, or even resigned. Just accepting. And there was a spark to his eyes that hadn’t been there the last couple of days. A clear head, food, rest. It did wonders for anyone.
“And Eeteuk wants us to go shopping?”
Zhou Mi just smiled.
***