weird, usa fic: yardstick family
Title: Yardstick Family
Words: 7,305
Disclaimer: Not mine. Just borrowing. zombres gave me permission.
Summary: A collection of ficlet snapshots of the Hawthone family. A companion to Strong Man.
Note: Angie wanted more. I felt compelled to oblige. ;) It occured to me after I'd finished that I left out a somewhat pertinent detail that I had told Angie about but failed to actually include in the story: Olivia teaches art at a university, Ben's a stay-at-home dad. (Also, I'm aware of the hideous lameness of this title, but I couldn't think of anything better and I just wanted to post it, please don't judge me based on this title oh golly.)
A week before the baby's due, Ben comes home from a grocery run to find Olivia crying in Amari's room.
He's not terribly concerned, and for a moment he wonders if that makes him a bad husband, but she's been doing this silent crying thing quite a bit during her pregnancy, to the point where it's commonplace. She hates it that she can't stop crying; she says it makes her feel like a damsel in distress. Ben assures her she never has been, nor will be.
She's sitting in the rocking chair - one of two, for each of the kids' rooms, gifts from Olivia's parents - staring at the toddler bed Ben put together last weekend. It's still early days yet in the adoption process and they might not get Amari for another year, but they figured doing both rooms at once would save time, especially after the baby comes. Ben never considered that it would just sit ready and empty, taunting them.
He sits on the floor in front of her and lays his hands on her thighs. She gives him a watery smile, but it doesn't last long.
"I want him home."
"I know, angel."
"What if this doesn't work?"
"What - the adoption?" Fear grips Ben's chest. He's never considered the adoption won't go through - he can't. Olivia shakes her head.
"When he gets here: what if it doesn't work? What if we only worked for those few weeks in South Africa and he doesn't like his room or Junior doesn't like him or he can't communicate or--"
"Whoa, hey, Liv. Calm down." He gets to his knees and wraps his arms around her shoulders. "Where is this coming from? Have you... how long have you felt like this?" She cries into his neck. Ben's always prided himself on being rather Sensitive Guy, but this constantly weepy version of Olivia just makes his heart break. He likes it about as much as she does. He strokes her hair, afraid to ask the question that he needs to ask: "Do you... are you having second thoughts? Do you not want to adopt Amari?"
She pulls back sharply, her forehead glancing off his chin. "Oh God, no," she moans. "That's not--" She sniffs, suddenly frustrated. "Ugh, these hormones. Benji, that's not what I meant at all."
"Okay, okay." He can breathe again.
"I just think I'd feel better about all of this if he were here."
Ben stretches up and grabs a box of Kleenex from the dresser, left from the last time Olivia started crying in Amari's room. "How do you mean?"
Olivia twists the hem of her shirt in her hands. "I'm terrified. About the baby. But I wasn't with Amari; it was so easy, those five weeks with him. I just feel like if he were here I wouldn't feel like I didn't have a clue what I was doing."
"Right, 'cause I'm an expert," he teases, and finally coaxes a smile.
"And," she starts softly, "when Junior gets here I just want it to be us."
Ben looks up at her: "You don't want Robbie and Charlie to come? I can call them right no--"
"No! No, that's not... they're part of the us, I guess. I just want to be a family and it won't be quite right."
"Without Amari." Olivia nods. "Okay, well, as much as I would love to work some magic in the next week or so I don't think I'm that talented but," he taps her chin, wait until she meets his eyes, "we'll still talk to him twice a week and send him pictures of Junior and when he finally does come home we'll have a big party. We can celebrate it every year, if you want, like he has two birthdays."
She starts crying again and tugs on his collar until he's holding her. "Is this... the good kind of crying now?" Olivia laughs into his shoulder, still a little watery, but miles better than she was ten minutes ago.
"Yeah, Benji, you done good."
"Love you, Liv."
"Oh, Ben, I love you."
+++++++++
Charlie is alone with the baby. The one-day old baby. She's not quite sure how this happened.
She and Robbie started driving as soon as Ben called to say that Olivia was in labor; they arrived in the middle of the night and snuck into the maternity ward when the security guard had his back turned. Olivia is sleeping and Ben's passed out in the chair next to her bed, one hand wrapped protectively around the leg of the bassinet that has been wheeled between them. Robbie had to sneak back down the hall to find a bathroom, so there's Charlie, essentially alone with the baby.
Who is awake. And staring at her.
"Oh fuck." She claps a hand over her mouth. "Sorry. Sorrysorrysorry, oh shit , no--" She sighs. "Oh kiddo, don't ever listen to me, okay?" She steps over Ben's legs so she's standing right next to the bassinet. "Um. Hey. I'm Aunt Charlie. You can call me... whatever the hell you want, I guess. Oh dammit, there I go again. And again."
She hears a sleepy chuckle to her right. "I'll give you a pass on this one, sis. I don't think she'll remember."
Charlie knocks her knee against Ben's as he rubs the sleep from his eyes. "I'm trying to be, y'know, a good influence or something. It's not easy; you should cut me some slack."
"You can pick her up."
Ugh, she was hoping he wouldn't suggest it. But now that it's out there, she does find the idea tempting, if stupid. "I dunno--" Ben stands and shoulders her out of the way to pick up Scout, then turns swiftly and dumps her in Charlie's waiting arms. "Ohshitokay."
"Charlie, this is Scout. Scout, Charlie."
"Hi," Charlie breathes. She blinks a few times at the tiny pale child at her arms and then looks up at Ben, wide-eyed. "Oh my God, what did you two do?"
"What?"
"You have a kid."
"Two, once the adoption is finalized."
"Oh my God, my brother has kids. My best friend has kids."
A sly grin streaks across Ben's face: "You're panicking a little right now, aren't you?"
"More than a little, you asshole. I am holding your kid."
"Charlie, don't wake--"
"Who decided we were old enough for this?"
"Okay, on second thought maybe I should wake Liv for this; she's gonna be pissed if she misses your breakdown. Sit down before you drop my daughter."
"Why am I holding your kid?" Charlie whispers harshly, her fingers twitching. She sits in Ben's vacated chair, suddenly afraid she really will drop the baby. She can't remember the last time she held a newborn. Ben crouches in front of her, one hand on her knee, the other cupping Scout's head.
"Charlotte. You're holding her because she's your niece. Calm down. Olivia and I may not totally know what we're doing, but it'll all be okay." Charlie nods, uncharacteristically mute. "She's a cutie, huh?"
"Looks like Liv," Charlie manages.
"And thank God for it."
"Congrats, Benji." He smiles a little, all pride and wonder in his eyes. "I should have, uh, I should have said that straight off. Instead of cursing at your kid. I'm proud of you."
Ben darts forward and kisses his sister's cheek, so quickly that he's already standing on the other side of the bed before she realizes what he's done. "I'm gonna go find Robbie, see if we can't find rustle up some coffee. You okay here?"
Charlie swallows heavily, a little out of her depth, but the Scout's weight in her arms is oddly comforting. "Um, yeah. We're good. Right, Scout?"
The newborn yawns.
+++++++++
Robbie's holding Amari while Ben sorts out paperwork with the customs officer. They haven't hit any snags yet, but the officer is thorough - to put it kindly - and it's taking so long that Ben is starting to get anxious. Robbie can feel Amari growing tense in his arms, feeding off his father's anxiety, so Robbie taps Ben's shoulder and nods at some chairs against the far wall.
Ben leans forward and kisses Amari's forehead: "Wanna go sit with Uncle Robbie, strong man? I'll be right there."
Robbie sets Amari in his own chair, but the little boy curls up into his side as soon as he sits. "Would you rather sit on my lap?" he asks, and Amari has crawled over before he even finishes the question. He's not much better, this far from Ben; he's incredibly intuitive just like Ben and Olivia described, but he is a child first and foremost. Now that Ben is back, Amari knows he won't leave but he still seems reluctant to let him out of his sight.
So, he should calm him down, right? That's what uncles do? [Robbie regrets every time he's teased Charlie about being nervous around Scout; it seems his nerves were reserved for his nephew.]
"Hey, strong man. Ben tells me you're capital-S Special." Amari nods, eyes straying from Ben for a moment. "I am, too, a bit." Robbie flounders. "I just... thought you should know. If you ever need to talk. Or--" he grimaces. "Or not talk. If you ever need, uh, anything. And you don't want to go to your parents. And now I'm talking like you're a teenager who needs advice about birds, oh wow, Charlie is never going to let me live this down."
Amari is watching Robbie babble now, turned around in his lap, with a smile tugging at the edges of his lips. Robbie meets his eyes, lets him stare; letting Amari see everything he's feeling - pride that Olivia asked him to accompany Ben when Scout got her ear infection, nervousness that he'll somehow screw this up, excitement because it turns out being an uncle is kinda fun - might make this easier in the long run. Amari's smile becomes a little more sure and he relaxes a bit.
"How about a story, then? I've been told the accent makes me quite the storyteller." Amari starts fingerspelling, his hand a quick blur that startles Robbie. "Oh, whoa, I'm sorry, I don't sign. I haven't learned. Yet! But I will." Amari frowns, then stares at Robbie again. Ben's told him that he can tell what Amari's thinking sometimes, like their link goes both ways, but Robbie can't say the same. "Can you write?" he asks, pulling a pen from his pocket. He can't find any paper, so he offers Amari the back of his hand.
Amari giggles, then concentrates very hard on writing. Robbie watches him, the letters crooked and ill-formed, but still impressive for his age.
D-a-n-n-y.
Robbie swallows the curse that rises to his lips when Amari looks up at him. "Y-you want a Danny story?" Amari nods. "Did your mum and dad tell you about Danny?" Amari shakes his head, then pokes Robbie in the chest. "Oh, you saw him, did you?"
"Hey, all set!" Ben's back, shoving the last of the paperwork into his backpack and reaching for Amari. "C'mere, strong man." Amari frowns at his father and signs something at him. "Story? Oh, did I interrupt a story? Sorry, Rob."
"S'alright." Robbie lifts Amari into Ben's arms. "I can tell it at the gate." They start leaving the customs office when Ben reaches out suddenly and grabs Robbie's hand.
"Why do you-- did he write this?"
"It's fine."
"Robbie, I'm sorry."
Robbie waves him off: "Seriously, Ben, it's fine. I asked him what kind of story he wanted and he must have seen... I'll think of one that's not too scandalous, okay?"
"Only if you're sure." Ben looks down at Amari and whispers: "Danny can be a sore spot for Uncle Robbie, buddy." Amari crosses his arms over his chest, his big, dark eyes apologizing. Robbie doesn't need translating for that sign.
"Yeah, I love him. Don't worry, Amari, I've got plenty of happy Danny stories. You'll get one as soon we find the plane, yeah?"
+++++++++
Amari has never had a room to himself.
The navy walls of his room soak up the light and everything is so dark and empty and quiet that he can't sleep. He knew coming home would be different, but there's too much nothing that his system feels drained. He crawls out of the bed and walks to the door, peeks through the crack. He wasn't allowed to leave the room at the orphanage, but Ben and Olivia promised him he could come find them if he needed to.
He sneaks into the hall and he's halfway to his parents when he hears noises from his sister's room. That's better, he thinks. He's used to noise and sleeping with other kids. Scout's awake, but not really fussing. Amari grips the bars on her crib, tilts his head so they're looking eye-to-eye and Scout quiets after a minute. Amari pats his chest: mine. Scout reaches for his hands and holds on tight.
In the morning, Olivia finds Amari asleep on the floor, one arm raised, holding onto Scout's hand. They move his bed into Scout's room that afternoon.
+++++++++
Hormones or not, Olivia feels silly about worrying over how well the kids would get along once Amari arrives. They can leave Scout in her bouncy seat and Amari is content to sit next to her for an hour or more, the two of them just staring at each other.
"I wonder what he sees," Ben says one night; they've been watching the kids just look at each other for almost twenty minutes. "Strong man," Ben calls, and the little boy tears his eyes away. "What's she telling you?"
Amari grins wide and Olivia waits for something profound, but he just shrugs and laughs, which she thinks might be a better answer.
+++++++++
Scout speaks quickly, skipping over much of the baby babble and going straight to words. Ben is stupidly proud, tries to teach her long, complicated words that she won't ever use as a toddler. He just likes to listen to her try to copy Daddy and say "moratorium" and "verisimilitude."
"Da! Food!" she shouts one afternoon. He brings her Cheerios, but she keeps pushing them away.
"What's up, Mini-O? You said food. Aren't you hungry?" Scout gives him this look that's pure Olivia - a look he is sure will haunt him in fifteen years - and points to Amari, sitting quietly with a book a few feet away. "What about him?"
"Food!" She shouts again, and then signs food.
"Amari? Did you sign food to Scout?" The boy nods. "You hungry, strong man?" He nods again and smiles when Ben offers him the Cheerios.
When Olivia gets home from campus, he tells her he's found an interpreter for their son.
+++++++++
Amari enjoys bathtime far too much for Ben's taste. There's splashing and giggling and although he likes seeing his son so happy, Ben could do without getting a bath himself. One night, he gives up, and strips off his shirt as he sits by the tub. Amari immediately stands.
"Tub rules, strong man," Ben warns, pointing to the floor. Amari knows better than to stand in the bath. The boy sinks to his knees, his eyes never leaving Ben's chest. Ben follows his eyeline, looks down at the scars on his chest. It's funny, he hardly remembers he has them anymore: the long gashes from the Boo Hag, the dragonfly burn.
Amari stretches out a soapy finger and traces the Boo Hag's clawmarks. "You're getting me wet, buddy," Ben teases, but Amari just stares at him.
That night, Ben wakes with a kick to the ribs as Amari climbs over him to snuggle down between him and Olivia. The little boy hiccups a sob, grasping for his father.
"Hey, hey, strong man," Ben soothes, gathering him up and pulling him close. "Amari, baby, you're okay." The light from the nightlight in the hallway glints off Amari's big, dark eyes and Ben knows what's wrong. "Oh, Amari, I'm so sorry. Shh, it's okay."
"Whassit?" Olivia slurs, rolling over and laying a warm hand on Amari's back.
"It's my fault," Ben whispers. Amari hiccups again, buries his wet face in Ben's chest. "He saw my scars and I must have been thinking about them and he knew and then he had a nightmare about the Boo Hag--"
"Think about me," Olivia suggests. "Remember when you saw me?"
"My avenging angel." Of course he remembers.
Olivia scoots closer, Amari crushed between them, and kisses his spine where his neck meets his back. "Look at Daddy, strong man. Mama will protect you. You gotta see the whole story, Amari."
Ben remembers how Olivia looked, backed by the skee-ball lights, the wind in her hair. He strokes Amari's hair and holds his gaze. The boy quiets, licking the salt from his lips. He wriggles a bit to pull a hand up and he fingerspells h-e-r-o. "You're right, Mama is my hero." Ben wraps his arms around Amari, tucking him close. He doesn't really want to carry Amari back to bed; the boy is a little space heater but it feels nice, having him close. This kind of stuff, when he can make the nightmares go away, it makes him feel like a good dad.
Olivia rolls away and throws back her side of the covers. "Liv?" He can feel Amari's breathing syncing with his own.
"I want my girl," she says, and slips from the room.
"Family sleepover in the big bed." Ben ducks his head, presses his lips to his son's temple. "How does that sound, strong man?"
Amari barely nods, so close to sleep again already. Olivia comes back with Scout sacked out in her arms; she lays the girl next to her brother and - even asleep - she seeks him out, burrowing closer to Amari's back as Olivia slides back into bed.
"You okay?" she asks. Her eyes droop; she never fully woke up, but Ben's wide awake.
"Yeah, I just... I love that he's Sensitive. I just hate that it makes him so... sensitive."
"He's okay, Benji. You made it better."
"Actually, you did," he corrects.
"Of course I did," she yawns and then Ben's the only one awake.
+++++++++
Charlie knocks twice then bursts through the front door.
"WHERE ARE MY TINY HUMANS?" she shouts. Robbie rolls his eyes, standing behind her on the front porch. The pounding of little feet answer her question, followed by "Don't run!" in stereo from the kitchen.
Charlie drops to her knees and opens her arms; Scout and Amari round the corner and dive at her, driving her back into Robbie's legs. "Whoa, okay, everyone upright and inside. I don't think Mum and Dad want to cool the outdoors."
"Hugs, Uncle Pooh Bear!" Scout demands. Robbie tries to keep the smile off his face - did Charlie have to tell their niece he was the actual Christopher Robin? - but he can't help it, not when this tiny blond thing is grinning up at him, hands waving.
"Of course, Jean Louise."
Charlie's holding Amari up, his feet dangling off the floor, and they dance down the hallway towards the kitchen. "How are you, Amari Charles?" She drops him into his chair at the dinner table. How are you? she signs, and the boy's face lights up.
Practice! He signs back.
"Makes perfect!" She crouches down next to him, leans in close to whisper. "It wasn't very nice of me to put it off, was it? I want to talk to my favorite nephew." He stares at her a moment and then throws his arms around her neck, rocking them back and forth as he hugs her. "Oof, strong man. You hug like your daddy."
[As much as they love Charlie, Ben and Olivia are more than a little surprised at how good she's gotten with the kids. She's never been one for the touchy-feely kind of loving, but ever since she set eyes on Scout and Amari, Charlie is head over heels, buying stuffed animals and trying to watch her language. She's still not sure she can see herself having any, she confessed one night to Ben, but she likes borrowing her niece and nephew. All the fun without the crippling anxiety, she had said, laughing at her brother.]
The kids are already in their pajamas, having stayed up long past their bedtime to see Aunt Charlie and Uncle Robbie arrive. Olivia tries to lay down the law, shuffle them off to bed, but Robbie pulls presents out of the duffle bag and riles the kids back up again. "You're tucking them in, then, Rob," Olivia concedes with a smile. Robbie accepts the offer; he can't help but spoil Scout and Amari whenever they make it out for a visit.
Charlie finds her brother in the kitchen, finishing up the dishes. They watch Robbie and Olivia and the kids sitting on the floor looking at the books and toys they've brought. Scout crawls into Uncle Pooh's lap - "Scout, sweetheart, please don't call me that" - and insists he read her a bedtime story. Amari leans against Olivia's side, smacking his lips and rubbing at his eyes with a fist.
Charlie starts to laugh.
"What? What's so funny?"
"Oh my God, he's such a little you."
Ben drops a plate back into the soapy water: "What do you mean?"
"When we were little, you used to do the same thing when you got sleepy. Rubbing your eyes, remember? Amari looks just like you." Ben snags Charlie's sleeve with a wet hand and pulls her into a damp hug. "Whoa, what's going on here?"
"Thank you, Sissy."
Ben's voice cracks a little and Charlie's arms wrap around him on instinct, protective. "Hey, Benji, what--"
"Just... thank you for saying that. That he's like me."
Charlie tries to shake it off: "Well, of course he's like you, he's your son." Ben goes in for another hug, but Charlie shoves him away playfully. "Go finish your dishes, you sap. Oh my God, clearly we need to come visit more if you're gonna go this soft while I'm not around to keep you on your toes."
+++++++++
Amari runs into the kitchen, rams straight into Olivia's legs. "Hey!" He waves a paper at her: "For me?" He nods. He's drawn the wild things again. "Thank you, Amari. Are you having fun with Aunt Charlie?"
Amari nods again, then signs loud, his hands waving from his ears. Olivia smiles: "Yeah, Aunt Charlie can get kinda loud. But not with you, strong man. You're the only one she's quiet with." It's true; Charlie never seems to fill the silence when she's playing with Amari. Ben and Olivia have never seen her sit quietly for so long in their entire lives. Olivia turns away to put his picture on the fridge but Amari tugs on her leg.
In her head, he signs. Loud in her head.
+++++++++
Ben and Robbie take Amari camping for the night at the park down the road. Robbie claims it's some sort of Special Guy Bonding exercise, to see what else Amari might be able to do. Charlie had acted all offended - "ex-cuse me, I'm the other half of Ben's twin mojo" - but Robbie can always see through her bravado. She wanted to stay back with Olivia, but she felt like she needed to put up the fight anyways. She misses her best friend.
"Aunt Charlie, I love your pretty arms." Scout grabs Charlie wrist and pushes up the sleeve of her shirt, presses her face close. "So many colors."
"Why thank you."
"Mama, you give me pretty arms like Aunt Charlie?" Charlie starts to laugh at the look on Olivia's face. Scout can't fathom why: "Mama paints pretty, she can give me pretty arms."
"Oh I know your mom paints pretty, kiddo. I'm not laughing at her." Charlie winks at Olivia. "What do you say, Liv? Wanna tat up your daughter?"
"What the heck," Olivia shrugs, silently thrilled at the look of surprise that streaks across Charlie's face. "We gotta make girls' night fun, right?" Olivia walks away to find supplies, calling over her shoulder as she leaves the room: "You guys want to put some newspaper on the kitchen floor so we don't make a mess?"
Scout shows Charlie the recycle bin where they keep the old newspapers and then spreads them out on the floor. "Aunt Charlie?"
"Yeah, spitfire?"
Scout smiles. "You call me spitfire!"
"I do!"
"Like Amari is strong?"
"Exactly like that."
"I call him that 'cause his name-sign is this." Scout holds her fists out in front of her, a tiny fighting stance.
"That's a good name-sign. Does Amari have one for me?" Scout ratchets two fingers on her right hand around the index of her left. "What is that?"
"It's mechanic," Olivia supplies, arms laden with paint and brushes. "Ben suggested it."
"Nicely done, Benji."
"So you want pretty arms like," Olivia breaks off, signs mechanic. Scout nods her fist yes.
"Look at you, Liv; you got brilliant kids." Charlie's voice is laced with pride. "Knew they would be, though, with you and Benji for 'rents." Olivia smiles softly; Charlie's not usually one for such overt compliments.
"Pretty arms!" Scout shouts, longing for attention.
"Alright, spitfire, roll up your sleeves."
Olivia paints trees and flowers up Scouts right arm, vines twisting around her wrist. Scout watches open-mouthed at the colors applied to her skin. When Olivia looks up at one point, Charlie has painted a ring of barbed wire around Scout's left arm and is working on a skull and cross-bones. "What? We each have our strengths." When they finish, they make Scout flex so her pretty arms are on display; they take a picture and text it to Ben.
What did you do?! He replies and it makes Olivia and Charlie double over in laughter. Scout doesn't know what's so funny, but she wants to be in the middle of it, throwing her arms around her happy mother. Olivia hugs her back and some of the paint on Scout's arms comes off on her shirt.
"Mama, your art!"
"It's okay, baby girl, we can fix it."
Scout prods Charlie's arm: "Aunt Charlie's don't come off."
"Hers are called tattoos. They're permanent."
"Like the markers that don't come off the wall ever never?"
"Yep."
"Mama, I want ever never tattoos!"
Charlie fist pumps and texts Ben while Olivia hugs her daughter: "Maybe when we're older. You should probably talk to Daddy about it, too."
+++++++++
They go visit Gloria over Olivia's spring break.
[Two kids on a five-hour plane ride: the flight attendants throw them dirty looks as they board. They smirk in pride as Scout sleeps the whole way and Amari is characteristically silent.]
Gloria fusses and spoils the kids, and then turns her attention on the two of them: "Oh, you beautiful children; look at this family you have made. He would be so proud."
She pulls Ben aside after dinner; Olivia lost the coin toss on bathtime. "What I said was true," Gloria insists. She reaches out and fiddles with Ben's hair in a maternal way that makes him sad. "Harry would have been so very, very proud of you. Of you both, but you especially." She leans close and her voice drops to a whisper: "What he was to you, you must be for that boy of yours, mushka."
Ben swears it.
When he tucks Amari in that night, the little boy holds his gaze longer than usual, then signs thank you and crawls under the covers.
+++++++++
No child in the history of the world has been more excited to start school than Jean Louise Hawthorne. Going to school meant meeting new people and painting like Mama and reading like Daddy and getting to ride the bus with Amari.
Olivia remembers her mother telling her once how hard it had been to let her go to school, how she felt like her baby was all grown up. Maybe she'll feel that way later, but right now she just loves seeing how excited Scout is, asking every morning if it's time to go. She doesn't worry about Scout, her social little spitfire, not the way she and Ben both agonized over sending Amari to school. They had never seriously considered homeschooling, but sending their quiet boy off to school without them had left her worried and shaky.
Which is why she's stunned when Ben calls her on the first day of school to tell her he's going to pick up Scout.
"What's wrong? She's only been there two hours."
She can hear him locking the front door. "Yeah, and according to the teacher she has spent an hour and fifty minutes sobbing. I gotta go, Liv, I'll call you back when I've got her."
She has office hours for the rest of the day, so Ben brings her by campus; Scout's face is red and damp, her eyes swollen, her pigtails falling out. As soon as she sees her mother, Scout beings sobbing anew. Olivia scoops her up and carries her to the chair usually filled by students.
"Oh sweetheart, come here. What's wrong, Scout?" The girl just keeps crying and Ben grimaces, his shoulders tight at the sound. "Baby girl, tell Mama what's wrong."
"Amari."
"What about him?"
"Want my Amari."
"Well, you'll see him after school."
"He left me."
"Scout, he didn't leave you. He had to go to his own classroom."
"Daddy told me I was going to school with Amari." Ben hangs his head, but Olivia stretches out a hand and pinches his wrist, shakes her head: Not your fault.
"Yeah, you go to school on the bus with Amari, but then he's in the big kid class and you're in the little kid class. And you make new friends." Scout's just hiccuping now and she plays with the buttons on Olivia's sweater. "Was that all? Did you just miss your brother?" Scout nods. "Do you think you could go back?" The little girl takes a great, gasping breath, like she might start crying again, and Ben steps forward and lays a hand on her back.
"How about this, Scout: you and me and Mama go get lunch in the dining hall and then you go back to school for just the afternoon. Just a half day, so you can see what it's like. And then Amari will pick you up at your classroom and ride the bus back with you."
Scout stops to think it over. "That sounds like a good offer to me, Jean Louise," Olivia coaxes. "I bet if you stop crying and give Daddy a kiss, he'll even buy you one of those big chocolate chip cookies." Scout hurls herself from her mother's arms into Ben's and gives him a smacking kiss on his jaw.
"Cookie, Daddy."
"And then school," he says. He's going for stern but it's not quite there yet and Olivia has to smile. "You have to be brave like Mama and go back to school."
Scout nods, then lays her head on Ben's chest as Olivia locks up her office. "No telling Amari I got scared?" she whispers into his shirt, clearly fearful of looking weak in front of her brother.
"It's our secret, Mini-O. Promise."
+++++++++
Ben always feels a little out of place at the end of the semester faculty parties. Olivia's colleagues are all very nice and more than a few have invited them over for dinner, but he's the stay-at-home dad who knows more about mac'n'cheese than Matisse and when the conversations eventually get around to the art these professors all love so dearly, Ben is clearly out of his depth. Olivia thinks it's cute and she blushes deeply when, asked who his favorite painter is, he says her. Her colleagues sigh and smile, assuming he's playing the dutiful husband, but she blushes because she knows it's true. At least this time the kids have been invited; their presence has loosened Ben up a bit.
He's away at the drink table, trying to find lemonade for the kids, as she speaks to her boss. Scout swings on her hand, on the edge of boredom, Amari standing shyly at her back, his nose pressing into her side anytime someone walks by.
"You want to tell Professor Gladwell your name?" Olivia suggests, tugging her daughter's hand. Scout raises three fingers, touches them to her temple. "Use your words, Jean Louise."
Scout wrinkles her nose, juts out a stubborn chin: "Like Amari's words better."
"I know, but if you don't talk, who's going to translate for him?" It's the only argument they've come up with that she accepts, because it's true: she does love signing. Olivia thinks the kids know more signs than her now, either that or they're making up their own. They discovered, though, that the only thing Scout loves more than signing with her brother is speaking up for him; it makes her feel important, translating in public. She worships Amari and she revels in the chance to do something for him.
"I'm Scout," she says, then reaches behind her and grabs Amari's hand, pulling him forward. "And this is my brother, Amari. He doesn't talk but he can still hear you, so don't think he's stupid or nothing."
"Scout!" Olivia scolds. Oh my God, she's never leaving Charlie alone with the kids again.
"What?" The girl seems genuinely confused. She just wants people to know how smart her big brother is. "I'm his p'tector. Aunt Charlie says so. Right, Amari?"
The boy ducks his head, smiling, a little embarrassed but clearly pleased by his sister's affection.
Professor Gladwell, fortunately, finds the whole encounter amusing and assures Scout that he finds them both very smart and personable. By the time Ben comes back with the lemonade, Olivia's not sure if she's embarrassed or pissed.
"Your daughter just mouthed off to my boss," she whispers as he steadies the cup so Scout can drink.
"Why's she mine?"
"Because your sister told her she was Amari's protector and she went all Charlie Hawthorne on Gladwell." She recounts Scout's exact words to Ben, who watches Amari smile in pride out of the corner of his eye.
"I dunno, Liv, I think she sounds like you."
"What are you talking about?"
"You can get pretty protective yourself, angel. Don't you think?" He chuckles as the frustration on her face fades away into contemplation. "You and Charlie both are more than a little protective and, while I'd rather she not endanger your job, I gotta say I'm pretty proud that she takes after my favorite girls."
+++++++++
They take the kids to a "haunted house" downtown one Halloween. It's actually one of the old fashioned theaters a few blocks from campus, decorated for the holiday, but the turnout is good from townies and students alike. Ben's a little surprised Amari wanted to go; he suspects the boy acquiesced because Scout had all but begged. They've figured out over the years that Amari's not psychic, not in the traditional way. Whatever he can do, it requires eye contact. Still, to say he's not wild about crowds is an understatement - too chaotic and loud and it's sensory overload for a tactile kid - so as they walk through, Ben has a little knight tucked close to his side.
[He can't believe his mother kept his and Charlie's old costumes all these years. The last time they'd taken the kids for a visit, she had pulled a RoughTote from the basement and put it in the trunk of the car. "I knew I kept these for a reason." The kids have been using them as play clothes, but Amari loves Ben's old aluminum foil knight costume; they patched it up with new foil and got him a store-bought sword. Scout, predictably, went straight for Charlie's old dragon costume. When they trick-or-treated last night, Olivia laughed at their twist on the old story, Sir Amari out in front, protecting his dragon.]
"You okay, strong man?" He whispers, careful that Olivia and Scout don't hear as they walk a few steps ahead. Amari nods, but curls two fingers in Ben's beltloop just to be safe.
The theater's employees are dressed to the nines: movie villains and supernatural monsters. When a werewolf walks by, Scout tries to follow him, but Olivia grabs the dragon spikes on the back of her sweatshirt and pulls her back. "Not real!" Scout admonishes. "Mama, he's not a loup garou." Ben barks out a laugh and Olivia throws him a look over her shoulder before she scoops up Scout; she's almost too big to carry, but it's easier than chasing after her.
"No, Scout, you're right. But remember what we said? This is fun scary stuff, make believe, not like the stuff Mama and Daddy saw on their trip. This is just for fun. Nothing's real here, it's all safe." Scout wraps her legs around Olivia's waist and lays her head down on her shoulder, seemingly satisfied, but her eyes follow the loup garou imposter until he leaves the hall.
The last theater to walk through is full of ghosts, or so the sign on the door claims. Olivia lets Scout down, but keeps a firm grip on her collar, as they start through the seemingly empty room: the seats move up and down and the handle on the fire escape door rattles. Scout is fascinated and Olivia smiles at the rapture on her face and she looks back to find her husband.
"Ben, how do you think they--"
Amari and Ben still stand in the doorway, wide-eyed and jaws low. Their eyes move from one corner of the room to the next. Olivia's grip on Scout tightens; maybe it's not all make-believe after all.
"Benji?"
"We're okay," he says immediately, voice low. He leans down and whispers something to Amari that Olivia can't hear, but then they start to walk down to the girls. "It's fine," he said, as they approached. "Like the Winchester House. They're just having fun."
"How many?" Olivia looks out at the empty theater. Scout is standing near a seat that rises and falls in time with the spooky music that pumps through the speakers.
"Twenty, twenty-five?" Ben guesses. Amari tugs on his hand and points towards the screen; two ghosts are sword-fighting and Amari brandishes his own plastic sword at them, laughing quietly. Olivia watches him; Ben can't tell what she's thinking.
"What's funny, Amari?" Scout asks, running up. Amari doesn't acknowledge the question, distracted by the ghosts dancing on the opposite aisle. "Mari!" Scout head-butts her brother in the chest.
"Jean Louise," Olivia sighs and pulls her away. She feels like she does that a lot. Ben always says Scout is the perfect blend of Olivia and Charlie, comfortable with emotions but still likely to lash out; Olivia loves that, her spunky little girl, but she spent the first part of her life wrangling Charlie and it seems she is fated to spend the rest of her life wrangling Scout.
Amari finally looks at his sister. Ghosts, he signs. Real.
"Strong's lying," Scout tattles, and Amari looks startled.
"Olivia..."
"Let's go," she suggests. Ben nods. They've never really had to explain this sort of stuff to Scout before; she knows about their roadtrip, though he's not sure how much of it she thinks is make believe, and she knows that Amari can look at her and know things, but the rest of it...
To be honest, he never thought he'd have to explain to his daughter how different they are.
+++++++++
"Start talking, Benji." Olivia curls herself around his back, snakes her hands around his ribs.
"About what?"
"You're disappointed in Scout."
He turns abruptly in her arms: "No, never. I am not disappointed in her. How could you--" She raises a hand to his lips.
"Okay, no, I'm sorry. I phrased that poorly." He purses his lips, kissing her fingertips. "You're disappointed she's not like you."
"I..." he sighs. "I don't want to be."
"But you are."
"Which is unfair to her. And to you." Olivia tilts her head in confusion, hair falling over her face. Ben reaches out and tucks it behind her ear. "I know it was hard, on our trip, being the only one who wasn't... and I hate that sometimes, that you're alone in that part of our lives. You make the best of it because you're Olivia Fucking Nettles Hawthorne, but it still makes me feel... I don't know." He can't find the words; he's tired and upset and he doesn't like being either so Olivia stays quiet, lets him find his place. "I'm glad you're not alone anymore in this. I'm glad that Scout is like you, that she won't have to feel things and see things that give her nightmares--"
"I've had my share of nightmares, Benji."
"I know. I know that. But it could have been worse. The feelings are... anyway, I love that she has you and you have her, but I still..."
He scoots closer, rests his forehead against her sternum. She threads her fingers through his hair. He doesn't want to say it, whatever he's thinking, but she won't let him sleep until he does.
"Amari's our son, but Scout is a blood Hawthorne and I just thought... I didn't want Harry's legacy..."
"You didn't want to be the last of the capital-S Special Hawthornes."
He nods into her chest, a growl deep in his own. He's ashamed. "And it's not fair to you, or Scout, or Amari, but I always just thought she'd be like me and Charlie and Harry."
"It's okay, Benji."
"Doesn't feel like it."
"Well, it is. I'll teach her to appreciate your gifts and you can teach her how to see all that she can, like I did on the trip. And it's okay to feel this way." He sighs. Olivia tugs on his hair. "Do you love your daughter, Benji?"
"God, yeah, of course."
"Then it's okay. We'll all be okay, I promise."
+++++++++
There are two weeks between the finals of spring semester and when they need to fly out to spend summer semester in Barcelona. Ben loads up the car while Olivia finishes grading and as soon as she's done they drive out to Oklahoma.
Robbie and Charlie, Olivia and Ben are stretched out on the front porch. The sky is clear and dotted with bright stars, the air warm. Amari is asleep with his head in Robbie's lap, his feet in Charlie's; Scout is passed out on the floor, curled around Olivia's feet like a cat.
Olivia takes a sip of her beer: "Our lives are weird."
"Welcome to the party, Liv," Charlie says, looking at her sideways. "Where'd that come from?"
"I was just thinking about the random and unnatural series of events that got us here. I mean, I knew our lives we weird, but when you stop to really think about it..."
The four fall silent for a moment in contemplation.
"Shit, way to go all existential on us, Olivia." Charlie rubs a fist against her forehead like she's fighting an ice cream headache. Robbie nudges her shoulder and nods down at the kids. "Ugh, fine, I'll fill the swear jar when I get in. Wait, does it count if they're asleep?"
"Yes," Ben and Olivia say in unison.
"At this rate, you'll pay for their college tuition, Sis," Ben grins.
"I've heard of worse ways to spend my hard-earned money," she admits.
Words: 7,305
Disclaimer: Not mine. Just borrowing. zombres gave me permission.
Summary: A collection of ficlet snapshots of the Hawthone family. A companion to Strong Man.
Note: Angie wanted more. I felt compelled to oblige. ;) It occured to me after I'd finished that I left out a somewhat pertinent detail that I had told Angie about but failed to actually include in the story: Olivia teaches art at a university, Ben's a stay-at-home dad. (Also, I'm aware of the hideous lameness of this title, but I couldn't think of anything better and I just wanted to post it, please don't judge me based on this title oh golly.)
A week before the baby's due, Ben comes home from a grocery run to find Olivia crying in Amari's room.
He's not terribly concerned, and for a moment he wonders if that makes him a bad husband, but she's been doing this silent crying thing quite a bit during her pregnancy, to the point where it's commonplace. She hates it that she can't stop crying; she says it makes her feel like a damsel in distress. Ben assures her she never has been, nor will be.
She's sitting in the rocking chair - one of two, for each of the kids' rooms, gifts from Olivia's parents - staring at the toddler bed Ben put together last weekend. It's still early days yet in the adoption process and they might not get Amari for another year, but they figured doing both rooms at once would save time, especially after the baby comes. Ben never considered that it would just sit ready and empty, taunting them.
He sits on the floor in front of her and lays his hands on her thighs. She gives him a watery smile, but it doesn't last long.
"I want him home."
"I know, angel."
"What if this doesn't work?"
"What - the adoption?" Fear grips Ben's chest. He's never considered the adoption won't go through - he can't. Olivia shakes her head.
"When he gets here: what if it doesn't work? What if we only worked for those few weeks in South Africa and he doesn't like his room or Junior doesn't like him or he can't communicate or--"
"Whoa, hey, Liv. Calm down." He gets to his knees and wraps his arms around her shoulders. "Where is this coming from? Have you... how long have you felt like this?" She cries into his neck. Ben's always prided himself on being rather Sensitive Guy, but this constantly weepy version of Olivia just makes his heart break. He likes it about as much as she does. He strokes her hair, afraid to ask the question that he needs to ask: "Do you... are you having second thoughts? Do you not want to adopt Amari?"
She pulls back sharply, her forehead glancing off his chin. "Oh God, no," she moans. "That's not--" She sniffs, suddenly frustrated. "Ugh, these hormones. Benji, that's not what I meant at all."
"Okay, okay." He can breathe again.
"I just think I'd feel better about all of this if he were here."
Ben stretches up and grabs a box of Kleenex from the dresser, left from the last time Olivia started crying in Amari's room. "How do you mean?"
Olivia twists the hem of her shirt in her hands. "I'm terrified. About the baby. But I wasn't with Amari; it was so easy, those five weeks with him. I just feel like if he were here I wouldn't feel like I didn't have a clue what I was doing."
"Right, 'cause I'm an expert," he teases, and finally coaxes a smile.
"And," she starts softly, "when Junior gets here I just want it to be us."
Ben looks up at her: "You don't want Robbie and Charlie to come? I can call them right no--"
"No! No, that's not... they're part of the us, I guess. I just want to be a family and it won't be quite right."
"Without Amari." Olivia nods. "Okay, well, as much as I would love to work some magic in the next week or so I don't think I'm that talented but," he taps her chin, wait until she meets his eyes, "we'll still talk to him twice a week and send him pictures of Junior and when he finally does come home we'll have a big party. We can celebrate it every year, if you want, like he has two birthdays."
She starts crying again and tugs on his collar until he's holding her. "Is this... the good kind of crying now?" Olivia laughs into his shoulder, still a little watery, but miles better than she was ten minutes ago.
"Yeah, Benji, you done good."
"Love you, Liv."
"Oh, Ben, I love you."
+++++++++
Charlie is alone with the baby. The one-day old baby. She's not quite sure how this happened.
She and Robbie started driving as soon as Ben called to say that Olivia was in labor; they arrived in the middle of the night and snuck into the maternity ward when the security guard had his back turned. Olivia is sleeping and Ben's passed out in the chair next to her bed, one hand wrapped protectively around the leg of the bassinet that has been wheeled between them. Robbie had to sneak back down the hall to find a bathroom, so there's Charlie, essentially alone with the baby.
Who is awake. And staring at her.
"Oh fuck." She claps a hand over her mouth. "Sorry. Sorrysorrysorry, oh shit , no--" She sighs. "Oh kiddo, don't ever listen to me, okay?" She steps over Ben's legs so she's standing right next to the bassinet. "Um. Hey. I'm Aunt Charlie. You can call me... whatever the hell you want, I guess. Oh dammit, there I go again. And again."
She hears a sleepy chuckle to her right. "I'll give you a pass on this one, sis. I don't think she'll remember."
Charlie knocks her knee against Ben's as he rubs the sleep from his eyes. "I'm trying to be, y'know, a good influence or something. It's not easy; you should cut me some slack."
"You can pick her up."
Ugh, she was hoping he wouldn't suggest it. But now that it's out there, she does find the idea tempting, if stupid. "I dunno--" Ben stands and shoulders her out of the way to pick up Scout, then turns swiftly and dumps her in Charlie's waiting arms. "Ohshitokay."
"Charlie, this is Scout. Scout, Charlie."
"Hi," Charlie breathes. She blinks a few times at the tiny pale child at her arms and then looks up at Ben, wide-eyed. "Oh my God, what did you two do?"
"What?"
"You have a kid."
"Two, once the adoption is finalized."
"Oh my God, my brother has kids. My best friend has kids."
A sly grin streaks across Ben's face: "You're panicking a little right now, aren't you?"
"More than a little, you asshole. I am holding your kid."
"Charlie, don't wake--"
"Who decided we were old enough for this?"
"Okay, on second thought maybe I should wake Liv for this; she's gonna be pissed if she misses your breakdown. Sit down before you drop my daughter."
"Why am I holding your kid?" Charlie whispers harshly, her fingers twitching. She sits in Ben's vacated chair, suddenly afraid she really will drop the baby. She can't remember the last time she held a newborn. Ben crouches in front of her, one hand on her knee, the other cupping Scout's head.
"Charlotte. You're holding her because she's your niece. Calm down. Olivia and I may not totally know what we're doing, but it'll all be okay." Charlie nods, uncharacteristically mute. "She's a cutie, huh?"
"Looks like Liv," Charlie manages.
"And thank God for it."
"Congrats, Benji." He smiles a little, all pride and wonder in his eyes. "I should have, uh, I should have said that straight off. Instead of cursing at your kid. I'm proud of you."
Ben darts forward and kisses his sister's cheek, so quickly that he's already standing on the other side of the bed before she realizes what he's done. "I'm gonna go find Robbie, see if we can't find rustle up some coffee. You okay here?"
Charlie swallows heavily, a little out of her depth, but the Scout's weight in her arms is oddly comforting. "Um, yeah. We're good. Right, Scout?"
The newborn yawns.
+++++++++
Robbie's holding Amari while Ben sorts out paperwork with the customs officer. They haven't hit any snags yet, but the officer is thorough - to put it kindly - and it's taking so long that Ben is starting to get anxious. Robbie can feel Amari growing tense in his arms, feeding off his father's anxiety, so Robbie taps Ben's shoulder and nods at some chairs against the far wall.
Ben leans forward and kisses Amari's forehead: "Wanna go sit with Uncle Robbie, strong man? I'll be right there."
Robbie sets Amari in his own chair, but the little boy curls up into his side as soon as he sits. "Would you rather sit on my lap?" he asks, and Amari has crawled over before he even finishes the question. He's not much better, this far from Ben; he's incredibly intuitive just like Ben and Olivia described, but he is a child first and foremost. Now that Ben is back, Amari knows he won't leave but he still seems reluctant to let him out of his sight.
So, he should calm him down, right? That's what uncles do? [Robbie regrets every time he's teased Charlie about being nervous around Scout; it seems his nerves were reserved for his nephew.]
"Hey, strong man. Ben tells me you're capital-S Special." Amari nods, eyes straying from Ben for a moment. "I am, too, a bit." Robbie flounders. "I just... thought you should know. If you ever need to talk. Or--" he grimaces. "Or not talk. If you ever need, uh, anything. And you don't want to go to your parents. And now I'm talking like you're a teenager who needs advice about birds, oh wow, Charlie is never going to let me live this down."
Amari is watching Robbie babble now, turned around in his lap, with a smile tugging at the edges of his lips. Robbie meets his eyes, lets him stare; letting Amari see everything he's feeling - pride that Olivia asked him to accompany Ben when Scout got her ear infection, nervousness that he'll somehow screw this up, excitement because it turns out being an uncle is kinda fun - might make this easier in the long run. Amari's smile becomes a little more sure and he relaxes a bit.
"How about a story, then? I've been told the accent makes me quite the storyteller." Amari starts fingerspelling, his hand a quick blur that startles Robbie. "Oh, whoa, I'm sorry, I don't sign. I haven't learned. Yet! But I will." Amari frowns, then stares at Robbie again. Ben's told him that he can tell what Amari's thinking sometimes, like their link goes both ways, but Robbie can't say the same. "Can you write?" he asks, pulling a pen from his pocket. He can't find any paper, so he offers Amari the back of his hand.
Amari giggles, then concentrates very hard on writing. Robbie watches him, the letters crooked and ill-formed, but still impressive for his age.
D-a-n-n-y.
Robbie swallows the curse that rises to his lips when Amari looks up at him. "Y-you want a Danny story?" Amari nods. "Did your mum and dad tell you about Danny?" Amari shakes his head, then pokes Robbie in the chest. "Oh, you saw him, did you?"
"Hey, all set!" Ben's back, shoving the last of the paperwork into his backpack and reaching for Amari. "C'mere, strong man." Amari frowns at his father and signs something at him. "Story? Oh, did I interrupt a story? Sorry, Rob."
"S'alright." Robbie lifts Amari into Ben's arms. "I can tell it at the gate." They start leaving the customs office when Ben reaches out suddenly and grabs Robbie's hand.
"Why do you-- did he write this?"
"It's fine."
"Robbie, I'm sorry."
Robbie waves him off: "Seriously, Ben, it's fine. I asked him what kind of story he wanted and he must have seen... I'll think of one that's not too scandalous, okay?"
"Only if you're sure." Ben looks down at Amari and whispers: "Danny can be a sore spot for Uncle Robbie, buddy." Amari crosses his arms over his chest, his big, dark eyes apologizing. Robbie doesn't need translating for that sign.
"Yeah, I love him. Don't worry, Amari, I've got plenty of happy Danny stories. You'll get one as soon we find the plane, yeah?"
+++++++++
Amari has never had a room to himself.
The navy walls of his room soak up the light and everything is so dark and empty and quiet that he can't sleep. He knew coming home would be different, but there's too much nothing that his system feels drained. He crawls out of the bed and walks to the door, peeks through the crack. He wasn't allowed to leave the room at the orphanage, but Ben and Olivia promised him he could come find them if he needed to.
He sneaks into the hall and he's halfway to his parents when he hears noises from his sister's room. That's better, he thinks. He's used to noise and sleeping with other kids. Scout's awake, but not really fussing. Amari grips the bars on her crib, tilts his head so they're looking eye-to-eye and Scout quiets after a minute. Amari pats his chest: mine. Scout reaches for his hands and holds on tight.
In the morning, Olivia finds Amari asleep on the floor, one arm raised, holding onto Scout's hand. They move his bed into Scout's room that afternoon.
+++++++++
Hormones or not, Olivia feels silly about worrying over how well the kids would get along once Amari arrives. They can leave Scout in her bouncy seat and Amari is content to sit next to her for an hour or more, the two of them just staring at each other.
"I wonder what he sees," Ben says one night; they've been watching the kids just look at each other for almost twenty minutes. "Strong man," Ben calls, and the little boy tears his eyes away. "What's she telling you?"
Amari grins wide and Olivia waits for something profound, but he just shrugs and laughs, which she thinks might be a better answer.
+++++++++
Scout speaks quickly, skipping over much of the baby babble and going straight to words. Ben is stupidly proud, tries to teach her long, complicated words that she won't ever use as a toddler. He just likes to listen to her try to copy Daddy and say "moratorium" and "verisimilitude."
"Da! Food!" she shouts one afternoon. He brings her Cheerios, but she keeps pushing them away.
"What's up, Mini-O? You said food. Aren't you hungry?" Scout gives him this look that's pure Olivia - a look he is sure will haunt him in fifteen years - and points to Amari, sitting quietly with a book a few feet away. "What about him?"
"Food!" She shouts again, and then signs food.
"Amari? Did you sign food to Scout?" The boy nods. "You hungry, strong man?" He nods again and smiles when Ben offers him the Cheerios.
When Olivia gets home from campus, he tells her he's found an interpreter for their son.
+++++++++
Amari enjoys bathtime far too much for Ben's taste. There's splashing and giggling and although he likes seeing his son so happy, Ben could do without getting a bath himself. One night, he gives up, and strips off his shirt as he sits by the tub. Amari immediately stands.
"Tub rules, strong man," Ben warns, pointing to the floor. Amari knows better than to stand in the bath. The boy sinks to his knees, his eyes never leaving Ben's chest. Ben follows his eyeline, looks down at the scars on his chest. It's funny, he hardly remembers he has them anymore: the long gashes from the Boo Hag, the dragonfly burn.
Amari stretches out a soapy finger and traces the Boo Hag's clawmarks. "You're getting me wet, buddy," Ben teases, but Amari just stares at him.
That night, Ben wakes with a kick to the ribs as Amari climbs over him to snuggle down between him and Olivia. The little boy hiccups a sob, grasping for his father.
"Hey, hey, strong man," Ben soothes, gathering him up and pulling him close. "Amari, baby, you're okay." The light from the nightlight in the hallway glints off Amari's big, dark eyes and Ben knows what's wrong. "Oh, Amari, I'm so sorry. Shh, it's okay."
"Whassit?" Olivia slurs, rolling over and laying a warm hand on Amari's back.
"It's my fault," Ben whispers. Amari hiccups again, buries his wet face in Ben's chest. "He saw my scars and I must have been thinking about them and he knew and then he had a nightmare about the Boo Hag--"
"Think about me," Olivia suggests. "Remember when you saw me?"
"My avenging angel." Of course he remembers.
Olivia scoots closer, Amari crushed between them, and kisses his spine where his neck meets his back. "Look at Daddy, strong man. Mama will protect you. You gotta see the whole story, Amari."
Ben remembers how Olivia looked, backed by the skee-ball lights, the wind in her hair. He strokes Amari's hair and holds his gaze. The boy quiets, licking the salt from his lips. He wriggles a bit to pull a hand up and he fingerspells h-e-r-o. "You're right, Mama is my hero." Ben wraps his arms around Amari, tucking him close. He doesn't really want to carry Amari back to bed; the boy is a little space heater but it feels nice, having him close. This kind of stuff, when he can make the nightmares go away, it makes him feel like a good dad.
Olivia rolls away and throws back her side of the covers. "Liv?" He can feel Amari's breathing syncing with his own.
"I want my girl," she says, and slips from the room.
"Family sleepover in the big bed." Ben ducks his head, presses his lips to his son's temple. "How does that sound, strong man?"
Amari barely nods, so close to sleep again already. Olivia comes back with Scout sacked out in her arms; she lays the girl next to her brother and - even asleep - she seeks him out, burrowing closer to Amari's back as Olivia slides back into bed.
"You okay?" she asks. Her eyes droop; she never fully woke up, but Ben's wide awake.
"Yeah, I just... I love that he's Sensitive. I just hate that it makes him so... sensitive."
"He's okay, Benji. You made it better."
"Actually, you did," he corrects.
"Of course I did," she yawns and then Ben's the only one awake.
+++++++++
Charlie knocks twice then bursts through the front door.
"WHERE ARE MY TINY HUMANS?" she shouts. Robbie rolls his eyes, standing behind her on the front porch. The pounding of little feet answer her question, followed by "Don't run!" in stereo from the kitchen.
Charlie drops to her knees and opens her arms; Scout and Amari round the corner and dive at her, driving her back into Robbie's legs. "Whoa, okay, everyone upright and inside. I don't think Mum and Dad want to cool the outdoors."
"Hugs, Uncle Pooh Bear!" Scout demands. Robbie tries to keep the smile off his face - did Charlie have to tell their niece he was the actual Christopher Robin? - but he can't help it, not when this tiny blond thing is grinning up at him, hands waving.
"Of course, Jean Louise."
Charlie's holding Amari up, his feet dangling off the floor, and they dance down the hallway towards the kitchen. "How are you, Amari Charles?" She drops him into his chair at the dinner table. How are you? she signs, and the boy's face lights up.
Practice! He signs back.
"Makes perfect!" She crouches down next to him, leans in close to whisper. "It wasn't very nice of me to put it off, was it? I want to talk to my favorite nephew." He stares at her a moment and then throws his arms around her neck, rocking them back and forth as he hugs her. "Oof, strong man. You hug like your daddy."
[As much as they love Charlie, Ben and Olivia are more than a little surprised at how good she's gotten with the kids. She's never been one for the touchy-feely kind of loving, but ever since she set eyes on Scout and Amari, Charlie is head over heels, buying stuffed animals and trying to watch her language. She's still not sure she can see herself having any, she confessed one night to Ben, but she likes borrowing her niece and nephew. All the fun without the crippling anxiety, she had said, laughing at her brother.]
The kids are already in their pajamas, having stayed up long past their bedtime to see Aunt Charlie and Uncle Robbie arrive. Olivia tries to lay down the law, shuffle them off to bed, but Robbie pulls presents out of the duffle bag and riles the kids back up again. "You're tucking them in, then, Rob," Olivia concedes with a smile. Robbie accepts the offer; he can't help but spoil Scout and Amari whenever they make it out for a visit.
Charlie finds her brother in the kitchen, finishing up the dishes. They watch Robbie and Olivia and the kids sitting on the floor looking at the books and toys they've brought. Scout crawls into Uncle Pooh's lap - "Scout, sweetheart, please don't call me that" - and insists he read her a bedtime story. Amari leans against Olivia's side, smacking his lips and rubbing at his eyes with a fist.
Charlie starts to laugh.
"What? What's so funny?"
"Oh my God, he's such a little you."
Ben drops a plate back into the soapy water: "What do you mean?"
"When we were little, you used to do the same thing when you got sleepy. Rubbing your eyes, remember? Amari looks just like you." Ben snags Charlie's sleeve with a wet hand and pulls her into a damp hug. "Whoa, what's going on here?"
"Thank you, Sissy."
Ben's voice cracks a little and Charlie's arms wrap around him on instinct, protective. "Hey, Benji, what--"
"Just... thank you for saying that. That he's like me."
Charlie tries to shake it off: "Well, of course he's like you, he's your son." Ben goes in for another hug, but Charlie shoves him away playfully. "Go finish your dishes, you sap. Oh my God, clearly we need to come visit more if you're gonna go this soft while I'm not around to keep you on your toes."
+++++++++
Amari runs into the kitchen, rams straight into Olivia's legs. "Hey!" He waves a paper at her: "For me?" He nods. He's drawn the wild things again. "Thank you, Amari. Are you having fun with Aunt Charlie?"
Amari nods again, then signs loud, his hands waving from his ears. Olivia smiles: "Yeah, Aunt Charlie can get kinda loud. But not with you, strong man. You're the only one she's quiet with." It's true; Charlie never seems to fill the silence when she's playing with Amari. Ben and Olivia have never seen her sit quietly for so long in their entire lives. Olivia turns away to put his picture on the fridge but Amari tugs on her leg.
In her head, he signs. Loud in her head.
+++++++++
Ben and Robbie take Amari camping for the night at the park down the road. Robbie claims it's some sort of Special Guy Bonding exercise, to see what else Amari might be able to do. Charlie had acted all offended - "ex-cuse me, I'm the other half of Ben's twin mojo" - but Robbie can always see through her bravado. She wanted to stay back with Olivia, but she felt like she needed to put up the fight anyways. She misses her best friend.
"Aunt Charlie, I love your pretty arms." Scout grabs Charlie wrist and pushes up the sleeve of her shirt, presses her face close. "So many colors."
"Why thank you."
"Mama, you give me pretty arms like Aunt Charlie?" Charlie starts to laugh at the look on Olivia's face. Scout can't fathom why: "Mama paints pretty, she can give me pretty arms."
"Oh I know your mom paints pretty, kiddo. I'm not laughing at her." Charlie winks at Olivia. "What do you say, Liv? Wanna tat up your daughter?"
"What the heck," Olivia shrugs, silently thrilled at the look of surprise that streaks across Charlie's face. "We gotta make girls' night fun, right?" Olivia walks away to find supplies, calling over her shoulder as she leaves the room: "You guys want to put some newspaper on the kitchen floor so we don't make a mess?"
Scout shows Charlie the recycle bin where they keep the old newspapers and then spreads them out on the floor. "Aunt Charlie?"
"Yeah, spitfire?"
Scout smiles. "You call me spitfire!"
"I do!"
"Like Amari is strong?"
"Exactly like that."
"I call him that 'cause his name-sign is this." Scout holds her fists out in front of her, a tiny fighting stance.
"That's a good name-sign. Does Amari have one for me?" Scout ratchets two fingers on her right hand around the index of her left. "What is that?"
"It's mechanic," Olivia supplies, arms laden with paint and brushes. "Ben suggested it."
"Nicely done, Benji."
"So you want pretty arms like," Olivia breaks off, signs mechanic. Scout nods her fist yes.
"Look at you, Liv; you got brilliant kids." Charlie's voice is laced with pride. "Knew they would be, though, with you and Benji for 'rents." Olivia smiles softly; Charlie's not usually one for such overt compliments.
"Pretty arms!" Scout shouts, longing for attention.
"Alright, spitfire, roll up your sleeves."
Olivia paints trees and flowers up Scouts right arm, vines twisting around her wrist. Scout watches open-mouthed at the colors applied to her skin. When Olivia looks up at one point, Charlie has painted a ring of barbed wire around Scout's left arm and is working on a skull and cross-bones. "What? We each have our strengths." When they finish, they make Scout flex so her pretty arms are on display; they take a picture and text it to Ben.
What did you do?! He replies and it makes Olivia and Charlie double over in laughter. Scout doesn't know what's so funny, but she wants to be in the middle of it, throwing her arms around her happy mother. Olivia hugs her back and some of the paint on Scout's arms comes off on her shirt.
"Mama, your art!"
"It's okay, baby girl, we can fix it."
Scout prods Charlie's arm: "Aunt Charlie's don't come off."
"Hers are called tattoos. They're permanent."
"Like the markers that don't come off the wall ever never?"
"Yep."
"Mama, I want ever never tattoos!"
Charlie fist pumps and texts Ben while Olivia hugs her daughter: "Maybe when we're older. You should probably talk to Daddy about it, too."
+++++++++
They go visit Gloria over Olivia's spring break.
[Two kids on a five-hour plane ride: the flight attendants throw them dirty looks as they board. They smirk in pride as Scout sleeps the whole way and Amari is characteristically silent.]
Gloria fusses and spoils the kids, and then turns her attention on the two of them: "Oh, you beautiful children; look at this family you have made. He would be so proud."
She pulls Ben aside after dinner; Olivia lost the coin toss on bathtime. "What I said was true," Gloria insists. She reaches out and fiddles with Ben's hair in a maternal way that makes him sad. "Harry would have been so very, very proud of you. Of you both, but you especially." She leans close and her voice drops to a whisper: "What he was to you, you must be for that boy of yours, mushka."
Ben swears it.
When he tucks Amari in that night, the little boy holds his gaze longer than usual, then signs thank you and crawls under the covers.
+++++++++
No child in the history of the world has been more excited to start school than Jean Louise Hawthorne. Going to school meant meeting new people and painting like Mama and reading like Daddy and getting to ride the bus with Amari.
Olivia remembers her mother telling her once how hard it had been to let her go to school, how she felt like her baby was all grown up. Maybe she'll feel that way later, but right now she just loves seeing how excited Scout is, asking every morning if it's time to go. She doesn't worry about Scout, her social little spitfire, not the way she and Ben both agonized over sending Amari to school. They had never seriously considered homeschooling, but sending their quiet boy off to school without them had left her worried and shaky.
Which is why she's stunned when Ben calls her on the first day of school to tell her he's going to pick up Scout.
"What's wrong? She's only been there two hours."
She can hear him locking the front door. "Yeah, and according to the teacher she has spent an hour and fifty minutes sobbing. I gotta go, Liv, I'll call you back when I've got her."
She has office hours for the rest of the day, so Ben brings her by campus; Scout's face is red and damp, her eyes swollen, her pigtails falling out. As soon as she sees her mother, Scout beings sobbing anew. Olivia scoops her up and carries her to the chair usually filled by students.
"Oh sweetheart, come here. What's wrong, Scout?" The girl just keeps crying and Ben grimaces, his shoulders tight at the sound. "Baby girl, tell Mama what's wrong."
"Amari."
"What about him?"
"Want my Amari."
"Well, you'll see him after school."
"He left me."
"Scout, he didn't leave you. He had to go to his own classroom."
"Daddy told me I was going to school with Amari." Ben hangs his head, but Olivia stretches out a hand and pinches his wrist, shakes her head: Not your fault.
"Yeah, you go to school on the bus with Amari, but then he's in the big kid class and you're in the little kid class. And you make new friends." Scout's just hiccuping now and she plays with the buttons on Olivia's sweater. "Was that all? Did you just miss your brother?" Scout nods. "Do you think you could go back?" The little girl takes a great, gasping breath, like she might start crying again, and Ben steps forward and lays a hand on her back.
"How about this, Scout: you and me and Mama go get lunch in the dining hall and then you go back to school for just the afternoon. Just a half day, so you can see what it's like. And then Amari will pick you up at your classroom and ride the bus back with you."
Scout stops to think it over. "That sounds like a good offer to me, Jean Louise," Olivia coaxes. "I bet if you stop crying and give Daddy a kiss, he'll even buy you one of those big chocolate chip cookies." Scout hurls herself from her mother's arms into Ben's and gives him a smacking kiss on his jaw.
"Cookie, Daddy."
"And then school," he says. He's going for stern but it's not quite there yet and Olivia has to smile. "You have to be brave like Mama and go back to school."
Scout nods, then lays her head on Ben's chest as Olivia locks up her office. "No telling Amari I got scared?" she whispers into his shirt, clearly fearful of looking weak in front of her brother.
"It's our secret, Mini-O. Promise."
+++++++++
Ben always feels a little out of place at the end of the semester faculty parties. Olivia's colleagues are all very nice and more than a few have invited them over for dinner, but he's the stay-at-home dad who knows more about mac'n'cheese than Matisse and when the conversations eventually get around to the art these professors all love so dearly, Ben is clearly out of his depth. Olivia thinks it's cute and she blushes deeply when, asked who his favorite painter is, he says her. Her colleagues sigh and smile, assuming he's playing the dutiful husband, but she blushes because she knows it's true. At least this time the kids have been invited; their presence has loosened Ben up a bit.
He's away at the drink table, trying to find lemonade for the kids, as she speaks to her boss. Scout swings on her hand, on the edge of boredom, Amari standing shyly at her back, his nose pressing into her side anytime someone walks by.
"You want to tell Professor Gladwell your name?" Olivia suggests, tugging her daughter's hand. Scout raises three fingers, touches them to her temple. "Use your words, Jean Louise."
Scout wrinkles her nose, juts out a stubborn chin: "Like Amari's words better."
"I know, but if you don't talk, who's going to translate for him?" It's the only argument they've come up with that she accepts, because it's true: she does love signing. Olivia thinks the kids know more signs than her now, either that or they're making up their own. They discovered, though, that the only thing Scout loves more than signing with her brother is speaking up for him; it makes her feel important, translating in public. She worships Amari and she revels in the chance to do something for him.
"I'm Scout," she says, then reaches behind her and grabs Amari's hand, pulling him forward. "And this is my brother, Amari. He doesn't talk but he can still hear you, so don't think he's stupid or nothing."
"Scout!" Olivia scolds. Oh my God, she's never leaving Charlie alone with the kids again.
"What?" The girl seems genuinely confused. She just wants people to know how smart her big brother is. "I'm his p'tector. Aunt Charlie says so. Right, Amari?"
The boy ducks his head, smiling, a little embarrassed but clearly pleased by his sister's affection.
Professor Gladwell, fortunately, finds the whole encounter amusing and assures Scout that he finds them both very smart and personable. By the time Ben comes back with the lemonade, Olivia's not sure if she's embarrassed or pissed.
"Your daughter just mouthed off to my boss," she whispers as he steadies the cup so Scout can drink.
"Why's she mine?"
"Because your sister told her she was Amari's protector and she went all Charlie Hawthorne on Gladwell." She recounts Scout's exact words to Ben, who watches Amari smile in pride out of the corner of his eye.
"I dunno, Liv, I think she sounds like you."
"What are you talking about?"
"You can get pretty protective yourself, angel. Don't you think?" He chuckles as the frustration on her face fades away into contemplation. "You and Charlie both are more than a little protective and, while I'd rather she not endanger your job, I gotta say I'm pretty proud that she takes after my favorite girls."
+++++++++
They take the kids to a "haunted house" downtown one Halloween. It's actually one of the old fashioned theaters a few blocks from campus, decorated for the holiday, but the turnout is good from townies and students alike. Ben's a little surprised Amari wanted to go; he suspects the boy acquiesced because Scout had all but begged. They've figured out over the years that Amari's not psychic, not in the traditional way. Whatever he can do, it requires eye contact. Still, to say he's not wild about crowds is an understatement - too chaotic and loud and it's sensory overload for a tactile kid - so as they walk through, Ben has a little knight tucked close to his side.
[He can't believe his mother kept his and Charlie's old costumes all these years. The last time they'd taken the kids for a visit, she had pulled a RoughTote from the basement and put it in the trunk of the car. "I knew I kept these for a reason." The kids have been using them as play clothes, but Amari loves Ben's old aluminum foil knight costume; they patched it up with new foil and got him a store-bought sword. Scout, predictably, went straight for Charlie's old dragon costume. When they trick-or-treated last night, Olivia laughed at their twist on the old story, Sir Amari out in front, protecting his dragon.]
"You okay, strong man?" He whispers, careful that Olivia and Scout don't hear as they walk a few steps ahead. Amari nods, but curls two fingers in Ben's beltloop just to be safe.
The theater's employees are dressed to the nines: movie villains and supernatural monsters. When a werewolf walks by, Scout tries to follow him, but Olivia grabs the dragon spikes on the back of her sweatshirt and pulls her back. "Not real!" Scout admonishes. "Mama, he's not a loup garou." Ben barks out a laugh and Olivia throws him a look over her shoulder before she scoops up Scout; she's almost too big to carry, but it's easier than chasing after her.
"No, Scout, you're right. But remember what we said? This is fun scary stuff, make believe, not like the stuff Mama and Daddy saw on their trip. This is just for fun. Nothing's real here, it's all safe." Scout wraps her legs around Olivia's waist and lays her head down on her shoulder, seemingly satisfied, but her eyes follow the loup garou imposter until he leaves the hall.
The last theater to walk through is full of ghosts, or so the sign on the door claims. Olivia lets Scout down, but keeps a firm grip on her collar, as they start through the seemingly empty room: the seats move up and down and the handle on the fire escape door rattles. Scout is fascinated and Olivia smiles at the rapture on her face and she looks back to find her husband.
"Ben, how do you think they--"
Amari and Ben still stand in the doorway, wide-eyed and jaws low. Their eyes move from one corner of the room to the next. Olivia's grip on Scout tightens; maybe it's not all make-believe after all.
"Benji?"
"We're okay," he says immediately, voice low. He leans down and whispers something to Amari that Olivia can't hear, but then they start to walk down to the girls. "It's fine," he said, as they approached. "Like the Winchester House. They're just having fun."
"How many?" Olivia looks out at the empty theater. Scout is standing near a seat that rises and falls in time with the spooky music that pumps through the speakers.
"Twenty, twenty-five?" Ben guesses. Amari tugs on his hand and points towards the screen; two ghosts are sword-fighting and Amari brandishes his own plastic sword at them, laughing quietly. Olivia watches him; Ben can't tell what she's thinking.
"What's funny, Amari?" Scout asks, running up. Amari doesn't acknowledge the question, distracted by the ghosts dancing on the opposite aisle. "Mari!" Scout head-butts her brother in the chest.
"Jean Louise," Olivia sighs and pulls her away. She feels like she does that a lot. Ben always says Scout is the perfect blend of Olivia and Charlie, comfortable with emotions but still likely to lash out; Olivia loves that, her spunky little girl, but she spent the first part of her life wrangling Charlie and it seems she is fated to spend the rest of her life wrangling Scout.
Amari finally looks at his sister. Ghosts, he signs. Real.
"Strong's lying," Scout tattles, and Amari looks startled.
"Olivia..."
"Let's go," she suggests. Ben nods. They've never really had to explain this sort of stuff to Scout before; she knows about their roadtrip, though he's not sure how much of it she thinks is make believe, and she knows that Amari can look at her and know things, but the rest of it...
To be honest, he never thought he'd have to explain to his daughter how different they are.
+++++++++
"Start talking, Benji." Olivia curls herself around his back, snakes her hands around his ribs.
"About what?"
"You're disappointed in Scout."
He turns abruptly in her arms: "No, never. I am not disappointed in her. How could you--" She raises a hand to his lips.
"Okay, no, I'm sorry. I phrased that poorly." He purses his lips, kissing her fingertips. "You're disappointed she's not like you."
"I..." he sighs. "I don't want to be."
"But you are."
"Which is unfair to her. And to you." Olivia tilts her head in confusion, hair falling over her face. Ben reaches out and tucks it behind her ear. "I know it was hard, on our trip, being the only one who wasn't... and I hate that sometimes, that you're alone in that part of our lives. You make the best of it because you're Olivia Fucking Nettles Hawthorne, but it still makes me feel... I don't know." He can't find the words; he's tired and upset and he doesn't like being either so Olivia stays quiet, lets him find his place. "I'm glad you're not alone anymore in this. I'm glad that Scout is like you, that she won't have to feel things and see things that give her nightmares--"
"I've had my share of nightmares, Benji."
"I know. I know that. But it could have been worse. The feelings are... anyway, I love that she has you and you have her, but I still..."
He scoots closer, rests his forehead against her sternum. She threads her fingers through his hair. He doesn't want to say it, whatever he's thinking, but she won't let him sleep until he does.
"Amari's our son, but Scout is a blood Hawthorne and I just thought... I didn't want Harry's legacy..."
"You didn't want to be the last of the capital-S Special Hawthornes."
He nods into her chest, a growl deep in his own. He's ashamed. "And it's not fair to you, or Scout, or Amari, but I always just thought she'd be like me and Charlie and Harry."
"It's okay, Benji."
"Doesn't feel like it."
"Well, it is. I'll teach her to appreciate your gifts and you can teach her how to see all that she can, like I did on the trip. And it's okay to feel this way." He sighs. Olivia tugs on his hair. "Do you love your daughter, Benji?"
"God, yeah, of course."
"Then it's okay. We'll all be okay, I promise."
+++++++++
There are two weeks between the finals of spring semester and when they need to fly out to spend summer semester in Barcelona. Ben loads up the car while Olivia finishes grading and as soon as she's done they drive out to Oklahoma.
Robbie and Charlie, Olivia and Ben are stretched out on the front porch. The sky is clear and dotted with bright stars, the air warm. Amari is asleep with his head in Robbie's lap, his feet in Charlie's; Scout is passed out on the floor, curled around Olivia's feet like a cat.
Olivia takes a sip of her beer: "Our lives are weird."
"Welcome to the party, Liv," Charlie says, looking at her sideways. "Where'd that come from?"
"I was just thinking about the random and unnatural series of events that got us here. I mean, I knew our lives we weird, but when you stop to really think about it..."
The four fall silent for a moment in contemplation.
"Shit, way to go all existential on us, Olivia." Charlie rubs a fist against her forehead like she's fighting an ice cream headache. Robbie nudges her shoulder and nods down at the kids. "Ugh, fine, I'll fill the swear jar when I get in. Wait, does it count if they're asleep?"
"Yes," Ben and Olivia say in unison.
"At this rate, you'll pay for their college tuition, Sis," Ben grins.
"I've heard of worse ways to spend my hard-earned money," she admits.